General chatter - Sad due to loss of a friendship




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EagleRiverDee
01-27-2012, 09:17 PM
Hi all. This has been weighing on me, and I thought I would post it up here and just get this off my chest.

For several years I've been best friends with a gal that I met at a training thing for work, she lives in another city. We kept up daily via email, text, and sometimes phone calls. Despite our geographical distance, she truly felt like the best friend in the world, and she felt the same of me.

Last summer I started doing a pretty serious exercise program (P90X) which became almost a hobby for me and something I spoke a lot about but never tried to push on her. In the meantime, she left her job and went back to school and so we lost our commonality of working in a similar industry. She also had ZERO interest or support for my efforts to get healthy and lose weight. Any time I would bring it up she would actually seem to get angry with me (she is overweight too). I stopped sharing any of my exercise or weight loss goals and successes with her because she seemed so hostile about it. I wasn't bragging, I wasn't trying to rub anything in, I wasn't trying to get her to do it. But it was part of my life.

Meanwhile she started just blowing me off, for weeks at a time. And then she'd reappear, like nothing had happened. But in those times, I felt like I didn't matter to her. That happened twice, and then at Christmas 2011 she did it again and blew me off for the entire Christmas season and well into January even though she knows Christmas is a tough time for me especially this year as my parents moved across the country and it was my first Christmas without family. This time, I sent her a letter asking what was up and told her it was hurting me and that she seemed to just be blowing me off. She got defensive and angry and said you can't blow someone off that you don't have plans with. During all this, I would see her posting on her social networking site to other friends and even spending hours playing games. So she clearly had time- just no time for me. Since then, I've stopped emailing her, texting her or IM'ing her. I will make an occasional comment on her social networking page. That's it. She is the same way.

To me, it's devastating that my only close friendship utterly failed in such a short timespan, but I feel like it had turned into a one way friendship. I was there for her, she wasn't there for me. And it hurts. I'm not that great at making friends, and now I have no close woman friend to associate with. And no matter how much I love my DH, every gal needs at least one good woman friend, I think.

She's not on this forum, she doesn't even know I come to this forum, so this isn't a passive aggressive letter to her or anything. It's just me venting because I don't understand what happened or if I did something wrong or if I should try to fix it. And I don't really know how to go about making a new woman friend. Advice and wisdom would be appreciated.

Thanks.


Amy8888
01-27-2012, 09:48 PM
I'm sorry you are so sad. I tend to let friendships die if I start to feel like I'm putting more effort in than the other person. I guess I've been burned enough in the past that I don't want to look like I'm chasing the other person. I'm also afraid of initiating plans with people so I really don't get out much. I have three kids, ages 6, 4 and 3 months so it's fine for now but I sure miss having a close friend near me. (I also live away from where I grew up so I miss the people who really get me.) I guess I just wanted to say you're not alone.

EagleRiverDee
01-27-2012, 09:50 PM
Thanks Amy. That's exactly where this friendship was, it felt like to continue to write to her was just going to seem desperate on my part. Her actions pretty much speak for themselves that she no longer wishes to be friends, or at least not close friends.


VermontMom
01-27-2012, 10:00 PM
That is very sad, I'm so sorry that she decided to unfriend you. It seems hard to believe, doesn't it, that I guess she felt threatened by your decision to get healthier. Even though you made sure not to make it a big deal when you realized she was not into it at all for you.

When I've been hurt by other people, my DH always says 'you can't do anything about how other people feel' which is true but it is still sucky isn't it! And it is hard, as an adult, to make friends. Or it is for me.

djs06
01-27-2012, 11:29 PM
Aww. I'm sorry. I understand how you feel. I don't have many close friends, and the ones I do have are far away. I had a close friend once who I didn't feel was holding up her end of the friendship, and we lost touch- she contacted me a few years later, saying she missed me and she'd never met another friend like me, but at that point I had been too hurt to move forward in a friendship with her. Friends are there for you more than just when they have nothing better going on, or more than when they just want someone to vent to.

Just remember that things happen for a reason. If this friendship continued, it would become toxic. Friendships end for a reason, even if it doesn't always seem that way, and you're better off being a little bit lonely than having a negative friendship bringing you down. It seems that once friendships become one-sided, they never bounce back to what they once were.

:grouphug:

Lovely
01-27-2012, 11:44 PM
I don't have any words of wisdom, but I wanted to extend a few e-hugs.

:hug: :hug: :hug:

SanityNow
01-28-2012, 01:53 AM
Hi Dee, I'm sorry your sad. I've had experiences like yours. Listen, you did nothing wrong. When a friend doesn't share in your happiness, doesn't make you feel like you are important to her, then that's basically it, IMHO. Things change and there are a million reasons for the change that happened here. Do not follow her on the social network, don't try to 'fix' anything. The important thing is for You to continue to exercise, have a healthy life, and enjoy your DH. Do you have any hobbies, or maybe join a club to meet new friends. Volunteer somewhere? Above all, please don't spend too much time being upset...life is just too good to be sad :)

evilwomaniamshe
01-28-2012, 03:29 AM
Hiya girl,
That sucks when a friendship ends, but it isn't your fault, people change, friends come & go and that is just the way life is sometimes! :( Chin up, you will meet & cross paths with many new friends over the years. I am sure you have already made many friends online here that can and will be available to chat with you on a daily basis... Or maybe you can join an online friendship site, like this http://www.girlfriendsocial.com/

knoxie
01-28-2012, 03:42 AM
Sometimes friends just grow apart no matter how much either or both wished it wasn't that way. It could be that your weight loss touched on a sensitive issue for her or she felt that she was being left behind somehow whilst you were having successes with your weight. It could be something totally unrelated! Whatever the reason it doesn't make either of you bad people.

It's difficult with friendships because there's usually no breakup like there would be in a more intimate relationship - no "it's not you, it's me", no "I need space", no "we should try counseling to see if we can save this" so the breakdowns can be gradual and unexplained. Don't blame yourself for what's happened. Personally I have very few close female friends and being phased out like you were has happened to me too many times to count. It's important to remember you didn't do anything awful and sometimes people just change.

dragonwoman64
01-28-2012, 02:58 PM
sounds to me like you did all the right things, but she was the wrong person. that's not a long time to know someone, and since most of your interaction was through the www, there may have been many things that were filtered about her and in her life that you were completely unaware of.

for me, building up my social circle, makes one interaction with one other person less crucial, if you get me. maybe you can start a little group in your area doing something that fits into your life, a walking/hiking group.

hang in there!

EagleRiverDee
01-28-2012, 07:01 PM
Thanks everyone. Each of you had words I needed to hear. I have been checking her social network site for her status updates, and I do need to stop that. I do need to join a club or something so I can meet new people. She was starting to become toxic...or perhaps she always was. Interestingly I don't know that I've ever met a more consistently negative person. I guess I always felt like it was my job to sort of cheer her up. But while I miss having a friend to talk to, it's true that once I started my exercise and weight loss journey she stopped showing any interest in me. I was expected to be there for her but she stopped being there for me. So I guess it was time and probably I should have seen it coming. It was probably one of those things where if I had a different perspective I would have seen it coming. Thanks everyone.

thinner
01-29-2012, 12:00 AM
i know i lost a friend when i was losing some weight. i got blamed for her not losing weight. go figure *roll eyes*. i had started to lose and be consistent in the gym, eat less, etc. she said she wanted to lose, adn she didn't need to lose as much as i did anyway, and she kept saying she didnt have time to workout or whatever a reason was. then she started to be hateful to me, and i just got tired of it because she said soemthing hateful in our church choir restroom with a bunch of people in there. like i was keeping her from putting on her makeup or something. just like i'm keeping her from working out. well duhh,,,if nothing else, workout when i'm at the gym myself, omg. i saw her once later that day and she said hi but it was still in that "pissy" tone, so i dont even think i responded. i decided to remove people like that from my life. that's the only time i've ever been blamed for somebody else not losing weight omg. sometimes i keep friends around even though i know they are sort of getting "toxic" because it's hard to find friends. but then sometimes i have to delete hateful people too.

omg. i've had the dating breakup that was more sudden and worse than any of this, and worse than any other breakup i'd ever had.

JudgeDread
01-29-2012, 11:03 AM
Sounds like she couldn't handle the fact you cared about your health. She probably took it the wrong way, and felt guilty that she doesn't care about her health. Too bad she's has to be that shallow about it.

It sucks to part from friends, I've been through it a few times, more during HS and college. And now I am living in another state working full time in an almost all male workplace. I have no best girl friends here. I am starting to reach out to one of the wives of a coworker, she is cool. But I left my best friends at home, and we don't talk as much as our lives are, well busy!

I am lucky to have my BF, he is my best friend. But yes, we all need a best girlfriend too...or at least someone to turn to on a frequent basis without feeling like your bothering them.

jules1216
01-29-2012, 11:56 AM
I have a little support group that originated from this site...dont know what I would do without them...I lost my Mom in May 2010, she was my go to person and best friend....miss her tremendously..

I am on of those people with the insane need to fix things and try to make it all work...finally realizing that some things just cant be fixed and I need to move on..I have enough day to day drama in my life that I dont need to add anything to it..

astrophe
01-29-2012, 12:09 PM
To me, it's devastating that my only close friendship utterly failed in such a short timespan, but I feel like it had turned into a one way friendship.

But did it fail? Or just run its course? Or take a pause?

Can't be everything for everybody every time.

I don't think you so much failed as grew apart in interest for now. You were doing this fitness thing, she left the common work you did so there wasn't that commonality any more, geography, etc.

It sounds too like she might be a bit depressed? Blowing people off and sinking into her own world? Depression sometimes comes out as anger with lashing out.

Not that I'm saying it is your job to be her cheerleader/propping up person. I'm saying there may be reasons out of your control for the change, reasons you may not know now and may not ever know. Don't internalize it -- just let it be what it will be. Maybe one day you'll have an explanation. Maybe you won't.

There's also different types of friendships. Some are age and stage, some are geographical, some are for life. It's going to be a mixed bag and all these types are totally ok.

I do understand the need to be with a close female friend -- I wish I had a closer one but my longest close friend lives in another state.

Three of my other friendships changed because of hours changing for my friend -- new job, back at school, etc. Maybe it will ping back when her school is over for the one. Who knows about the other two -- one lives further away now and both made the change from SAHM to WOHM so even though our kids are about the same age it's a lot harder to sync up time together. Before it was easy when all the kids were in school to plan a brunch date.

I guess I take a more philosophical view on friendship -- they can weave in and out of my life without it being a THING if for a while, the frequency or intensity changes. After all, life is long, and other things pop up.

Right now there's been a lot of eldercare in my life to do, so I'm low on free time myself, and when I have it, I tend to be stressy and tired. So I'm not always the best company. My friends understand that -- and we do our best to keep in touch and get together when possible but it's long and far between.

A.

shcirerf
01-30-2012, 01:15 AM
People come and go in our lives, for different reasons, at different times.

Some friendships stay, some go.

It's life.

Given, the geographical distance and mostly online communication, it's different, than someone you can see, on a face to face, physical level. Those relationships come and go too.

I wouldn't worry over it too much. Take the good, let go of the bad and move on.

Amy8888
01-30-2012, 04:52 PM
I saw this article and thought of this thread. Friendships end sometimes, just like romantic relationships, and sometimes it's no one's fault. It still hurts though.

http://mobile.nytimes.com/2012/01/29/fashion/its-not-me-its-you-how-to-end-a-friendship.xml

EagleRiverDee
01-30-2012, 06:21 PM
Amy- that's a good article. I think the reason I'm taking this so hard is that I don't have any explanation- I've never been good with not getting closure. And to be frank, it's affected my self-esteem because I'm trying to figure out what's wrong with me. It hasn't been a good year for my friendships. One friend of 15 years de-friended me on Facebook by calling me a deragatory name because of my political views and then deleted me. Another friend just never has time for me and despite repeated overtures on my part to do something she turns me down. And now my best friend has dumped me. I mean, the handwriting on the wall says it's ME, right? And yet I can't figure it out. I'm honest, I'm punctual, I'm positive (usually), I don't put people down, I engage my friends in conversations about them because I'm genuinely interested in them, I am helpful, and I stay in touch. I do all the things I would want from a friend of mine in return. But lately I just feel like I've become repulsive to people, and I don't know what I'm doing wrong. And yet, that's not really a question you can ask anyone and ever get a straight answer because no one wants to tell you what you're doing wrong for fear of being unkind.

chickadeee55
01-30-2012, 06:47 PM
Dee, sorry this has happened to you, and yes no matter why it happened it still affects you.

You mentioned some common things that I could relate to, about 12 yrs ago I had a best friend at work, we were very close, and talked and went to lunch all the time, we could tell each other anything and it was accepted. Then she left and got a new job, within a year our relationship ended, not so common ground anymore. I went to lunch with her abut 3 yrs ago, and it wasn't the same, she was negative. We have different lives now, and I am girlfriendless and have been for 10 yrs. It is hard to find someone to click with. But I think my story just confirms that it was not you it was just circumstances.

I think it is great that you are taking care of yourself, keep up the good work.

I often thought they should have a girl friend site like they have match.com for finding marriage, how about one where you can connect with another girl for friendship. Could this be a opportunity!

Chin up, and have a great evening

EagleRiverDee
01-30-2012, 06:49 PM
I often thought they should have a girl friend site like they have match.com for finding marriage, how about one where you can connect with another girl for friendship. Could this be a opportunity!

I like that idea. If you start it, I'll be your first member. ;)

Thanks and have a great day!

nina125
01-31-2012, 02:01 PM
Just a quick tip: I would never discuss politics, religion or any divisive topic in public. The only time I would discuss such things is on an online forum anonymously.

Em123
02-01-2012, 08:24 PM
Hey Dee!

I came across a great quote the other day online which is I feel is relevant to this topic:

“Before you diagnose yourself with depression or low self esteem, first make sure that you are not, in fact, just surrounding yourself with assh*les.”
― William Gibson

Sorry for the language in that quote, but I find its something that is very true. (And something which I remind myself when I come across really unforgiving people).

I think you should stop looking for the negatives within yourself because you sound like a very lovely person and a good friend to have. Your "friends" who defriended you however, sound like the complete opposite. :( For someone to defriend you after 15 years of friendship for a political comment... I think that shows more a reflection of their character and intolerance more than anything.

I think you shouldn't dwell too much on what has happened, but rather look to the future and to all the new friends you can make in due time. Also appreciate the great people around you, like your DH and family. Like everyone else has said, it's really great you're making lots of progress in your weight loss... those who don't want to share your happiness probably don't deserve half of your time. (Just my opinion).

Stay healthy and happy! :hug:

EagleRiverDee
02-01-2012, 08:29 PM
Em123-

I LOVE That quote. I'm going to remember that, as there is probably some real truth there. :)

Thank you for sharing that.

novangel
02-03-2012, 08:49 PM
I know what you mean. I have a great boyfriend but every woman needs another woman to confide in..I long for that too. I have friends but they are ALL very one-sided and selfish. My Mom died 5 years ago but she filled that void when she was alive. I'm currently trying to form new friendships.