Weight Loss Support - An Unhealthy reason to lose weight...




Misa66
01-25-2012, 04:03 AM
I've only been on here a few days but I think it's time to admit to myself and to others why I'm finally really motivated to lose weight. Which should be good right?....but I feel like it's because an "unhealthy" reason.

DONT get me wrong, I of course want to drop the pounds because I want to feel healthier and look/feel better about myself and I've been having some knee pain and I'm only 22! I'm not obese, I'm only about 160 and 5'5" which is considered "overweight" but I'd like to get down to 125-130 which is a healthy weight for my height.

So here is the deal, I've never hated my body, yea I've disliked it but not hate. My boyfriend of 3 years had always told me I was the only girl who could get him sexually aroused and at first it was hard to believe knowing I was chunkier than what society thinks is sexy but over time it felt flattering. Well there has now been 3 "incidents" last year were I've found porn in his laptop/phone, o have no problem with porn but...didn't he say I was the only girl that could get him hot? To say the least I was devastated, I cant believe that statement anymore cause he's obviously been looking at that for months (he had not when we started dating) so did his mind set change? Did he realize "skinny" girls are hot OR was he lying all along? If asked him this amd he has never really answered. After the last incident which was a few days before thanksgiving I thought to myself "well that's what he's into....I guess I will use that as my motivation this time to lose weight"

And now that's my problem, I don't want to use that as motivation....I know i can't go from what I am now to a porn star body. But everytime I reach for that cookie or think about that drive thru the images of him and porn and my body come to mid and I stop. I know this is unhealthy. I'm NOT doing this to get the body to please him, I know I'm doing this for myself. But I want to get rid of this sick twisted "motivation" I have.

Any support or advice will be definately appreciated :(


Mizzthingaling
01-25-2012, 04:45 AM
I think you need to take a step back and ask yourself why yourself esteem relies on his actions or what he says. He does not define your happiness or confidence. Also, you can not compare yourself to porn stars. Their job is to be an unattainable fantasy for men. If you want to get healthy do it for you not for what you *think* his ideal woman weighs.

Also, men say things sometimes if they think it will make women feel better. He is obviously attracted to you, he is dating you after all. Porn is a release for some and an addition for others. I've kind of been where you are. I dated a guy who looked at porn too much until I broke up with him. Your bf probably told you he hadn't to make you feel better.

lucky8
01-25-2012, 05:46 AM
I understand, its happened to me before ( Although its not my motivation to lose weight)
Its never really been far from my mind the comparing and the sicking feeling when i found it as to me my relationship / sex life was perfect. was years ago now but its never left me. even tho he claimed it was out ov bordam??? which i can accept as men really are one dimensional creature.s
Was the finding it for me ...........why would anyone one in a relationship want to hide it? thats what i couldnt get my head round and of course reflected on feelings about myself and the way i looked. So totally understand the way your feeling it was an emotionally tough time for me. It was a one off and its not something that effects us now....so you need to find out if it was a one off or hes doing it all the time.....which wud seem he may have a little problem and if he doesnt sort it it will get between you , if your not comftable with it tell him, let him know he cant have the best of both worlds lol
Unfortunatly this day in age you just cant seem to get away from it , its everywhere , you just have to focus on your self and gain self confidence and self worth , thats more attractive to any man other than getting ya bits out :) HTH **HUGS**


JayEll
01-25-2012, 07:17 AM
Gosh, his use of porn has nothing to do with you. Some men just like to look. If you want to know why he looks at it, ask him.

Trying to please someone else or fit what you think are their ideas isn't really the best motivation, as you already know. What if you lose all your weight and he still looks at porn?

But you also might just stay off his laptop and phone. Does he know you were looking around and found the porn, or haven't you said anything? Are you being sneaky about it?

You need to be the most important thing in your life, not him. Focus on yourself. He may not be the last boyfriend you ever have.

Jay

freelancemomma
01-25-2012, 08:08 AM
For what it's worth, I think it's unrealistic to expect that a guy will only be attracted to ONE person or thing. For my part, I have no problem with the idea that my husband may find other women sexually attractive -- I suppose I take it as a given, and I also believe that our relationship is based on a lot more than sex. Maybe it's because I'm 55 and my self-esteem has very little to do with my sexual attractiveness at this point (though I do consider myself attractive)...

In your shoes I would try to put it aside unless his porn use is compulsive and/or interferes with your relationship.

Freelance

ennay
01-25-2012, 10:17 AM
His use of porn has nothing to do with your body.

The discussion of why he looks at porn, what it does for him and how it makes YOU feel is one for you to have with him.


I cant believe that statement anymore cause he's obviously been looking at that for months (he had not when we started dating) so did his mind set change? Did he realize "skinny" girls are hot OR was he lying all along?
(

This is not an either or. Most men have a very wide range of what they consider hot and it really starts with naked. "Did he realize NAKED girls are hot" is probably a better phrasing and I am guessing he was aware of that before he met you .

Doesn't mean he was lying either. Despite the male talent of entertaining themselves endlessly with photographs, men ARE capable of feeling the love/chemistry connection as well. You are more than your body. THAT is hot.

Bottom line is if the body IS all that matters, then he is not worthy of you.

Beach Patrol
01-25-2012, 10:29 AM
After the last incident which was a few days before thanksgiving I thought to myself "well that's what he's into....I guess I will use that as my motivation this time to lose weight"

And now that's my problem, I don't want to use that as motivation....I know i can't go from what I am now to a porn star body. But everytime I reach for that cookie or think about that drive thru the images of him and porn and my body come to mid and I stop. I know this is unhealthy. I'm NOT doing this to get the body to please him, I know I'm doing this for myself. But I want to get rid of this sick twisted "motivation" I have.

Ok, first of all, this is NOT a "sick twisted motivation" - any motivation you deem necessary is motivation enough. You know you want/need to lose weight. Who CARES where the motivation comes from?

2ndly, it sounds to me like you have some pretty straight forward self-esteem issues. I would suggest you learn to deal with that, or you'll forever be comparing yourself to others and never learn to be happy with yourself. That's no way to live your life.

And third... may I just say... Men are visual creatures.

Your bf looking at porn does not mean he doesn't love/desire you. It doesn't mean he was "lying" that you're the only girl who can "get him hot". Most men hide their porn habits because most women (seemingly) find it disgusting or view it as a threat, as you seem to have perceived it. I guarantee you if there was a chick in a porn flick that had your exact body measurements & weight & she was gett'n her nasty on, he'd watch it.

Men like all sorts of things: sports, video games, arts, music, politics, etc. Porn may or may not be your thing, but it's out there, & easier to access more than ever, thanks to the "interwebs". I surmise about 98% of the male population has a porn habit on some basic level, if not even a fetish for it. Some like magazines. Some like flicks. Some use the web, or a phone (yes, phone sex) and some go for all of it. Some like lite porn, some like heavy porn, and some get very addicted to it.

Whatever your bf's porn habit is, don't let that be your bane of existence. You can use it as "motivation to lose weight" if you want to - it's no different than using Jillian Michaels or any one of thousands of models in magazines or runways. It doesn't make you sick or twisted. But it might be a horrible worm in your head if you let it dictate what you think/feel about yourself.

Bottom line? DON'T COMPARE YOURSELF TO OTHERS. We're all different in many different ways. Embrace yourself; embrace your differences. Accepting yourself is the first step to loving yourself, and you must love yourself in order to take care of yourself & be healthy. FOR YOU.

Dorian5
01-25-2012, 11:01 AM
I surmise about 98% of the male population has a porn habit on some basic level.

This.

And it has nothing to do with how beautiful you are, or how attracted he is to you. It doesn't reflect his preference for a certain body type or anything like that.

I worked in one of those sex stores selling all sorts of toys/magazines/movies to all sorts of people of all genders. It goes all the way across the board. And it's normal.

cherrypie
01-25-2012, 11:02 AM
There may be men who don't look at porn, but I've never met one. It has about as much to do with you as when you look at some movie star or other celebrity crush has to do with him. As long as he's not doing it to the exclusion of all other things or cannot orgasm any other way it's pretty normal.

Dorian5
01-25-2012, 11:06 AM
There may be men who don't look at porn, but I've never met one.

Seconded. :yes:

astrophe
01-25-2012, 11:09 AM
Well there has now been 3 "incidents" last year were I've found porn in his laptop/phone, o have no problem with porn but...didn't he say I was the only girl that could get him hot? To say the least I was devastated, I cant believe that statement anymore cause he's obviously been looking at that for months (he had not when we started dating) so did his mind set change? Did he realize "skinny" girls are hot OR was he lying all along?

You say you are ok with porn, then later you are devastated. Where the devastation coming from? Is it the porn or is it not knowing that he was looking porn? Why was it an "incident?"

Then you jump from looking at porn to lying to you about your looks. Can't it be both? He likes to look at porn, AND you are the only real person who turns him on? (Because porn is not a real person to have a relationship with. And there's a lot of photoshopping. That's not real.)

Is the root of the problem trusting? Why are you on his phone and computer?

Or is it your body image?

Then the motivation -- why are you competing with paper mags or digital images? Where's the perceived threat?

Is there several things going at once?

I guess what I'm trying to say (rather badly) is sit down and sort out your feelings and layers first. Then sit down and talk to your BF about these things and try to see where you are both coming from and what you can do about it together so both of you are feeling good in the relationship.

GL!
A.

JudgeDread
01-25-2012, 11:10 AM
Men are crazy LOL. But yeah they all look at it. I think what he meant is that you're the apple of his eye, and the only one he wants to be truely intimate with.

If the porn thing bothers you that he's hiding it or whatnot..suggest it as a together activity. I watch with my BF and he loves that we do it together. (My male coworkers agree they wished their gf or wives would watch with them)

But again, we all have a tendancy to look and see attractive people. Doesn't mean we want them :)

krampus
01-25-2012, 11:27 AM
Porn actresses and real-life girlfriends are not in the same category. You can't expect no one except you will ever give him a boner - but as long as he's being faithful to you and doesn't require porn to be on in the background when you're getting it on, I see no issue.

I understand the feeling of "god I'm gross compared to XX porn starlet" all too well though. Sometimes stupid thoughts like "why would anyone find me attractive if I don't have washboard abs and a perfectly waxed xxxxxx?" enter my brain, but I've gotten pretty good at stamping them out.

cherrypie
01-25-2012, 11:30 AM
there is amateur porn out there. Personally I find professional porn really creepy lol

ELBS717
01-25-2012, 11:30 AM
It's good that you recognize the fact that this is not a 'healthy' motivation for you to lose weight. I think I would step back and try to adjust your thinking about porn... dont' put so much stock in it. I don't think you should feel so threatened by it.

jeminijad
01-25-2012, 01:06 PM
1) Don't give porn power. It is nothing but entertainment, and like PPs said, nearly every man looks at it.

1B) If a women claims her man doesn't, there is a 2% chance that she is correct and a 98% chance that she is deluded.

2) Your initial motivation to lose weight can be unhealthy. That is ok. But you will need to resolve the issue in the long run, or you won't succeed/maintain.

3) Don't take porn personally. Really hard at first, I know.

lm3898
01-25-2012, 01:14 PM
No matter what you look like, your boyfriend would probably still look at porn from time to time. I once caught my boyfriend at the time, and was so grossed out and upset, but really, I had been away for a week, and I can't exactly expect him to always think of nothing but me if he "ah-hems" while I am away. A link popped up or he sought it out, who knows...I know it doesn't de-value how he looks at me/how hot I am to him at all - it's me that he's with - same for you, if he wanted someone that looked like a porn star, chances are he wouldn't be in a loving, committed relationship with you for three years...

If it really irkes you, maybe try to let him know just how much, I'm sure it isn't intentionally meant to hurt you at all...

Also, I've lost weight for me AND because I want to look good for my hubby who is good looking and really takes care of himself - wanting to look good for someone you love isn't wrong, but doing it b/c you're afraid he's more into a porn star than you isn't the best idea...sorry just an opinion.

Sum38
01-25-2012, 01:29 PM
Men are more "visual" than women what comes to sex. -- 3 times over 3 years...I would not worry about it. It just shows he is a healthy male.

I learned, long time ago, not to be jealous of the virtual world.

He loves you. He lusts after you. But he is a male who is alive.... in his mind, it is not cheating. It is just a fantasy.

Believe in his love.

ringmaster
01-25-2012, 02:10 PM
if everything else in the relationship is ok then I wouldn't worry.

neon_zephyr
01-25-2012, 02:17 PM
Guys watch porn. Some gals do, too. It doesn't have to be a commentary on whether or not he is attracted to you. And, your self-esteem should not be dependent on whether or not your boyfriend thinks you're hot. This will lead to serious codependency problems in the long term, if you don't address the issue for yourself (not the weight itself, but the basis for your self-esteem about your body-image). You should definitely address this issue and not let it slide. Your discomfort about your own motivations is an indication that you are unsettled by it and that's signalling something to you. Pay attention to your body and treat yourself well.

Now, about the porn itself, if it bugs you and you feel disrespected, you should definitely talk to him about it.

Lots of women (and men) use their spouses' interest as a motivating tool. So, you're not alone in this, even if you feel conflicted because of it. If it helps you to feel better about yourself and to reach your goals, then go with it. You're not alone in this. Your motivation for starting your weight loss efforts isn't exactly the same as your reason for sticking with it and it doesn't have to be a black and white thing. We are people in bodies and our reasons for changing our bodies (or not) are multifaceted and do not need to be noble or healthy, necessarily, in themselves. It's worse to beat yourself up over why you want to do something than it is to just admit to yourself what's going on. Honesty will help you stick to it.

You sound like an interesting, caring, and loving person. You're worth more than your body and your sexuality, both to yourself and your BF. And, whatever reasons you have for wanting to change your body, just stay aware of them and keep yourself accountable by sticking around on the forum. :) If your BF is really interested in sticking around, a few pounds won't make that much of a difference to him in the long run. So, remember that you're probably dealing with at least 3-4 different things that are all embedded into your situation.

Good Luck to you!! :)

LiannaKole
01-25-2012, 03:21 PM
If his porn use is reasonable (like, not all the time or at work or anything), I don't think that's a problem. It doesn't mean he doesn't find you sexy as ****, it might just be something he does.

Think of it like this. A lot of women read romance novels that are basically porn in word form. No one freaks out. That doesn't mean they don't love their partners and find them attractive. It's just something they like to do. Just because someone reads a novel with an attractive guy in it doesn't mean they're looking to date/sleep with someone else like in the novel.

Guys are more visual than women, so their romance novel equivalent is actual porn. It's not a replacement for you at all. It's something totally outside of that. Just because they look at porn doesn't mean they want to date/sleep with someone like in the porn.

I'm not sure if there are other things that are problematic in your relationship, but in my opinion looking at some porn is fine.

As far as wanting to lose weight to be attractive to your partner, I don't think that's a bad reason at all. You love him, so you want to be attractive for him. Just like it wouldn't be bad if he wanted to work out more to be attractive to you. Just make sure the core of what you're doing is for YOU. Because YOU decided it was what YOU wanted, no matter the other reasons. But doing it kind of for him because you love him isn't an unhealthy reason. :)

Good luck! You're doing great!

EDIT: However, I don't mean to suggest that "boys will be boys." Not at all. If the porn really bothers you, I'd think about taking to him about it. Just because he's a guy doesn't give him the excuse, but it does give one reason he likes porn (being more visual). If there was some hobby you liked that bothered him and you would give it up for him, I think he might do something similar for you.

mrsmurphy
01-25-2012, 03:34 PM
I agree with the previous post, if he's watching porn reasonably its probably not a problem. I am newly married, but my husband and I have been together for 7 years. He does not watch porn all the time. But, to keep this pg when he wants to "cuddle" and I dont have the interest to "cuddle" i tell him go look at some porn. If i didn't have that outlet we would be "cuddling" 100 times a week.

Anyways, my point is, men watch porn. It's entertainment. I would rather him watching porn then out "cuddling" with someone else! Also, i'm sure he still finds you attractive!! I know even though my husband watches porn he still finds me attractive. Porn is like fantasy for men. They know they could never be with any of those women, but it's fun to fantasize for them. You should lose weight because you want to, and when you go to grab that food, redirect your thoughts to a reason you want to lose weight for yourself not because your feeling some type of way about him not finding you attractive anymore. Do you know what i mean?

Arctic Mama
01-25-2012, 03:50 PM
Your motivation aside, porn is not allowed in our marriage for just that reason. I am of the opinion it is highly destructive to the body image and expectations of those involved in the relationships. Far too many men AND women have sick, skewed perceptions because of the fiction the sex industry sells, and I don't abide by it at all.

That's my premise, so if you disagree, feel free to disregard all information I give based on it.

If you want to look sexier and feel healthier, please make sure your motivation for doing so is something that lasts. There is nothing wrong with wanting to be as sexually attractive to your mate as possible, but the image to base it off of is what is best for YOUR body, not what sells on someone else. His porn isn't your problem, in that it doesn't mean YOU need to change. I'd confront him on it and ask why he's looking and if it is something related to possibly not getting enough interaction with you. If it isn't, then the problem is HIM.

I am disgusted at how acceptable sexual eroticism has become, and I think it does a great deal of damage to the young men and women who get roped into believing that is what sex truly is. I say this as someone younger (25), myself, who dealt with porn issues for years. Getting that stuff banished from my husband and my life before we exchanged vows was the best thing we ever did for marital strength AND mutual enjoyment of one another!


I wish you the very best on your weightloss for YOU, not him ;)

LAgreeneyes
01-25-2012, 04:00 PM
Anyways, my point is, men watch porn. It's entertainment. I would rather him watching porn then out "cuddling" with someone else! Also, i'm sure he still finds you attractive!! I know even though my husband watches porn he still finds me attractive. Porn is like fantasy for men. They know they could never be with any of those women, but it's fun to fantasize for them. You should lose weight because you want to, and when you go to grab that food, redirect your thoughts to a reason you want to lose weight for yourself not because your feeling some type of way about him not finding you attractive anymore. Do you know what i mean?


Well said. I agree.

Italiannie
01-25-2012, 04:22 PM
I don't believe porn is as passive or benign as we like to think. Just my opinion, but I've seen it destroy individuals and I don't know how much it really enhances anyone's life. (Yes, I understand that men are different, blah, blah, blah).

If it makes one partner uncomfortable, it should be stopped. It is clearly having an effect on your relationship/self image, etc. That, in and of itself, should signal him to stop.

If you were truly fine with it, you wouldn't have posted.

novangel
01-25-2012, 04:38 PM
1) Don't give porn power. It is nothing but entertainment, and like PPs said, nearly every man looks at it.

1) If a women claims her man doesn't, there is a 2% chance that she is correct and a 98% chance that she is deluded.

2) Your initial motivation to lose weight can be unhealthy. That is ok. But you will need to resolve the issue in the long run, or you won't succeed/maintain.

3) Don't take porn personally. Really hard at first, I know.


My thoughts exactly.

jillianfan
01-25-2012, 07:29 PM
What can I say - he's a guy. Most guys are into porn or strip clubs, truth be told, even if most of us don't want to admit it. It's not a reflection on you, it's just how they are wired. Don't beat yourself up.

I weigh as much as you, and I am a good four inches shorter. I have to say that those porn girls don't threaten me one bit. Still, if it motivates you to reach your goals, more power to you. Just don't beat yourself up about it, and don't beat him about it, either - just my advice. As they say, boys will be boys.:dizzy:

Mamalicious
01-25-2012, 07:56 PM
I think your boyfriend wasn't being honest with you when he said you were the only woman to ever turn him on. Sometimes men do or say things to try to make us feel good. I dont believe he was being malicious, just being a man lol.

I tried losing weight for someone else and when they were gone the weight came back. As long as you are getting healthy for you, you should be fine. Good luck!

bellona
01-26-2012, 07:14 AM
I think porn is more about what those girls are DOING than what they look like. Don't worry too much about it,like others have said, a lot of men look at porn. Lose weight for you :)

OhThePlaces
01-26-2012, 08:59 AM
I agree with those who have said, motivation is still motivation. If it helps kick-start the weightloss process for you, then great. I once had a dream that my boyfriend (now husband) cheated on me with his high school sweetheart. I didn't have any doubts about his fidelity and she lived across the country, but the dream still left that sick feeling in my stomach when I woke up and I began a diet that day. Ha!

That being said, you obviously have an issue with his porn use. I am fine with my husband looking occasionally, but if it makes you uncomfortable, talk to him about it. I think it's unrealistic to think that there's only one women (you) in the world that he finds sexually attractive. We are sexual beings... can you honestly say that he is the only man out there that you find attractive? That doesn't mean that he (or you) has the desire to actually be with someone else. :hug:

knoxie
01-27-2012, 01:44 PM
As you have no problem with porn is the issue that he said you were the only girl who could get him hot and that's apparently not the case, or that these girls he was looking at were 'skinny' girls? Or both? Your boyfriend is in a relationship with you, not some chick from the internet. People have differing opinions on porn and its place, if any, in a relationship and that's something only you really know if you're ok with.

You said you had some minor health problems with the weight so if this is the kickstart you needed to address that so be it. There's no need to beat yourself up over if it's the 'right' reason or a 'good' reason as it's not the only reason.

As for the porn girls being skinny, variety is the spice of life - how many girlfriends do you know who have a 'type' but crush on guys who are the total opposite? It doesn't mean he finds you any less attractive - particularly when the 'other' girls are from internet porn!.

alliesarang
01-28-2012, 12:44 PM
I haven't read through the whole thread but here's the deal.

Men are visual creatures, they just are. My boyfriend doesn't even have the sound on his computer on when he watches it, which is so bizarre to me and I think to most women.

Here's the good news. Porn doesn't make him feel desired, porn doesn't answer back, porn doesn't make him feel wanted. It's just a time filler. It's purely a business transaction. THAT'S why you're way more attractive than those porn girls (most of whom are really not so cute, seriously). As girls we feel that if he's able to be aroused by those girls it means way more than it actually does. That's because we need more than the image of a naked man to be aroused. But that's all it takes for them, just boobs, ya know? :)

I'm rambling here, but anyway. Trust when I say I know how you feel cause I've been there. but really! there are so many more things you have to offer as a real women, that makes you infinitely more attractive than any porno girl, and weight is the smallest factor in all of this. I guarantee the thought has never even crossed his mind.