General chatter - broke up with best friend

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01-22-2012, 04:00 PM
so i don't know if any of you guys saw my thread about judgemental ppl in which i talked about my frustrations with a friend of mine and how she judged everyone, but well today the sh*t hit the fan. she said something so hypocritical that i just brought out all her skeletons and paraded them in front of her. I know i was a B but I couldn't let it pass again. She says because those were her mistakes of the past I shouldn't have brought them up cause shes trying to move on, I respect that but just cause you're moving on from those mistakes doesn't give you the right to judge others making the same mistakes you did a month ago..I know just in doing what I did and calling her a hypocrit is judging her as well and I don't want to but I wanted her to see what shes doing is so mind blowingly hypocritical . god knows I'm not perfect, I have many skeletons but I will be the first to tell you them, I don't hide behind any make believe white picket fence tossing stones at others. What I did to her was wrong as well, I should of just kept tuning her out and letting her act whatever way she wants .It wasn't just what she said today, we recently started school again and shes making little comments and quips about all the girls all the time so lately my frustration had been building and I let it all out in the most B way possible. Anyways to get back to the point, we've known each other forever and I guess the older we got the more different we became. Like in HS we were both lil alternative tom boys right, the loser duo, but I got older and I dress feminine now and I've had bfs , im still a little goth freak but a girly one and she hasn't really changed from the tomboy loner, which is cool, thats her thing man and I love her for being her, but we are so different now, and she certainly judges me for having changed the way i did-saying im fake and that she didnt think i was 'one of those girls'. we are different not just in style, but our whole personalities are different. Like when we was 15 we could both giggle at the girl in the 4 inch heels and lil dress and now we've grown up and I'm the girl in the 4 inch heels and lil dress, i've seen and experienced enough in life to know thats wrong, and I respect all other females in whatever they wanna do or dress like or whatever as long as they aren't hurting someone else and I guess I don't feel she grew into that respectful mode like I did, like we grew up in different ways, but shes still stuck in HS cattyness, am I making any sense? like we grew into different people in almost all ways. I'm only 24 so I haven't had this happen before. I think I'm having a quarter life crisis. Its not just her, my whole friend scene is changing into a whole different group of people than I would of ever thought I'd hang with in HS. Like has anyone else gone through this in their early-mid-late whatever 20s, this sudden change of social scene and dynamic. I don't know if I'm making any sense at all, it seems like one long rant because I'm still reeling from todays events.

01-22-2012, 04:35 PM
Sometimes as we grow up we grow apart from people because we change. I know how you feel about growing as a person and your best friend hasn't changed one bit. One of my close friends back home, over the years I've changed my views on things etc and when I go visit her she's is the exact same person she was 5 years ago. Nothing changed, nothings grown and it's one of those things I've realized that she's not someone I could hang out with on a 24/7 basis not anymore. Sure she's helped me out a lot through my breakup and when I moved back home but in the end we're two different people, and two very different maturity levels. (some people choose to grow others like to be stuck in the same world they've lived in all their lives, without realizing it...)

I personally couldn't tolerate a very judgmental person around me at this point in my life, especially when I'm trying to change my views. Why should I make snarky comments about ex's new girlfriends being fat or anyone else when quite frankly there's a reason they're with them and not me. (that was just an example) I think you did the right thing in speaking your mind with her and even though you brought up past stuff, it's clear she hasn't gotten over it and continues to bring it up in the present maybe in different ways. Sometimes in order to succeed you need to get rid of the toxic people surrounding you along with anything else that maybe sabotaging or whatever your progress. Whether it's weight loss, new job, new place anything. There comes a time you just need to "break up" with people and move on especially when they are holding you back!


01-22-2012, 04:47 PM
my friend is definetly the same person she was in highschool despite being older than me. its a weird time , I don't feel like I'm an adult yet at all but I feel I've gotten to this stage pass teen years , this in between stage where I've grown up in a lot of ways and not everyone my age or even slightly older than me have. its like i'm shedding my skin and morphing into the person i was meant to be, like a final stage of evolution, im such a nerd, im finding out who i am and turning into that person. its like an identity crisis when youre finding out who you are and then you realise who you are now isn't compatible to the friends youve had for 10, 15 years. things were simpler than, i even started looking at wearing the same clothes i did then or the same music or doing the same things to see if maybe i really havent changed and im just fooling myself-but i just couldnt cause i have indeed changed. im glad to know im not the only one this happens too. i was starting to think maybe im just a B that pushes everyone away.

01-22-2012, 06:24 PM
Not as all, sometimes we go back and enjoy our "immature younger days" Sometimes I seem myself enjoying a younger me and being stupid but the reality is, everyone grows up eventually some just take longer to do it. You're not being a B and pushing anyone away, you're being yourself and seeing things in a different light. You're finding out another side of you that has been hidden for so long a side that's ready to come out!

01-22-2012, 06:32 PM
thanks , i just really needed someone else whose been through this before to explain it lol its all very new to me, im calling it quarter life crisis

01-22-2012, 06:48 PM
lol well as long as your feeling better we all eventually hit our crisis situations where we do we do now! aha

01-22-2012, 06:54 PM
i know EXACTLY what your going through!!! I wrote alot but definitely read it!

Im from NJ and When I was in h.s I was a complete b**ch to authority, very conceited, full of myself, very popular so I thought I was all that..etc..(but I was still super nice to people,everyone, the "nerds", "band people" ,"joks", etc..I had friends in every group) & I hung around a lot of people that were like me. I also had 2 twin older brother who were a few yrs older then me and they were really known around town, alot of people were scared of them and they had a reputation to not be messed with, but also were very popular, had tons of friends and always threw the craziest parties.

Back then i drank all the time, i'm talking every night just about, I was the biggest pothead ever and listened to & thought songs with lyrics like "yea i hit a b*tch and get high and f**k hoes" was cool.

Speed up 5 years later, I am completely different then I was then. I moved to PA after I graduated ( i got kicked out of my house & couldnt afford to live in NJ so I moved to PA by myself) then I met my an amazing guy which hes older then me & SOOO much more mature then any guys Iv ever been around, then I moved in with him SO I started really changing alot (i kinda had no other choice but to grow up fast when i was kicked out and really needed to grow up fast in order to survive, so thats when the change really started). I stopped drinking bc it just lost its appeal to me, maybe bc I was a waitress & when I'd be working at 2am I would see so many drunk people making complete fools of themselves+ My bf doesn't drink so it was never around. I stopped smoking weed too, just bc I didnt want to + I didnt know anywhere to get it from & my bf doesnt do that either so it was something I just never thought about anymore.

So i really started becoming different & started liking different things & everytime I wud go back to NJ to visit, its like evryone that I knew were all stuck in the same place they were 6,7,8 years ago! Mind you I always hung out with older people, like 3-4-5 yrs older so alot of these people are in their late 20's early 30's & still partying all the time, sleeping around, have no motivation, living at home (which thats not really a biggie the ecomomy is f'ed right now).

My brothers are still so hung up on being the "cool" & "popular" ones they still acts like their the "man"& still party all the time. The differnce is when your living and acting like how you were when your 20, at 31 its embarrassing. + you have daughters.

I also dont really listen to alot of the same music I used to listen too. I was always a huge fan of every genre & noticed as I got older I tapped into more of the older music from the 60's and 70's that actually had meaning and a message and would rather rock out to Queen and Alice Cooper as opposed to Eminem screaming and yelling on a record talking about killing a girl or lady gaga telling you to worship the devil.
And its like anytime I would express my feelings on how I dont think the new drake song is the "ishh" or I dont think eminem is that cool anymore & I dont think lil wayne is the man I would get shhhii* talked to and told im stupid and I dont know what Im talking about & that ima nerd now..etc.....
I almost want to scream out IM SORRY THAT IV GROWN UP! (mind you these artists do have some good songs im just making a point that Im just not into it that much anymore)
Its gotten so bad with my brothers that I cant even be around them bc they still think & act like their 20 & their both 31 w daughters & its embarrassing. & My 1 has ZERO respect for woman, even towards me just talks so rudely and disrespectful to me and his girlfriend I just cant deal.

I also got closer to God and I feel like I am always being judged about that and being told I think Im better then everyone. WHY??? BC I dont want to smoke a joint w u? I dont want to go to an eminem concert w u? I dont want to hang out at a party where everyones getting wasted?? Its not me thinking im better I just grew up & i understand Im at the age (24) where yes the majority of kids my age are still doing all these things and nowadays it seems that noone grows up till they're like 40! But im sorry all them things just aint my thing nomore.

I also dont speak to any of my older friends either except for like 2. My 2 best friends whom Iv known for 15 yrs, I completely dont talk to them. The 1, me & her are just sooo different, & have 2 completely different personalities, her outlook on life and guys and stuff in general is so out there, I cant even be around her and the other one, she just started acting completely different then how she used to be and starting becoming so judgmental (like your friend) that I finally told her how i felt, we got into an argument & we stopped talking. Mind you I was friends with these 2 since I was like 6 & all through hs we were inseparable. BUT honestly im happier w/o them being in my life. They were bringing me down it felt like.

& its just majority of the people I know whenever I go back to NJ where I'm from it just seems like everyone, from my brothers still acting so immature, to everyone else I know still getting wasted, going clubbing nonstop, sleep around, pops pills, does drugs..I just want to leave as soon as I get there and I told myself December is the last time I'm coming back to visit. Its just like I have nothing in common with ANYONE I used to hang out with & I'm sick of being told I think Im better.

SOOO wooooooooooooooowieeee I just rambled on but I wanted to be specific and share my story with you and tell you that I completely understand where your coming from and your not the only one that is going through this. People just grow up and grow apart. & Theres nothing wrong with that & Iv learned that just bc this person is your family or you've known them and been friends with them for upteen years doesnt mean you needa put up w their bs or remain close friends w them just bc you have been forever. Do whats best for YOU. & who gives a shoot if noone likes it! In the end theres noone else that cares more about you then YOU so always do whats best for you and what makes YOU happy. Trust me I get so much bs from my family and so called "friends" like why dont i hang out or why are you not talking to me or why didnt you wanna come over when I had people over..etc.. & I either ignore it(which isnt right but watevvvzz lol) or just tell them IM SORRY I JUST DIDNT FEEL LIKE IT & I dont care who likes it!!

In the end YOUR most important! & whoever has a problem with it, its THEIR problem :)

01-22-2012, 08:39 PM
thank you for sharing your story. different scenes but very similar story lines. grew apart and found out who i was and they are stuck in grade 10. its sad to leave the past behind. your story reminded me of something else about this situation though. to get into 'scenes'. im still a goth freak(albeit a girly one and not the tom boy i used to be) and they are whatever they used to be as well, but its amazing how ppl in the same scene can be at such different maturity levels and be so different personality wise. oddly enough the ppl i do get along with now are all from different scenes, no two of us are from the same but we are all roughly the same maturity level and same personality type. we look past each others own personal tastes and dont judge one another and just have fun, whether they like thick black liner or glitter everywhere or cowboy hats, we actually have more in common than someone from the same 'scene' as me. we all get along better than if i had stayed in the same 'scene' with the same ppl who are the same as they were when we were in 10th grade. like in highschool what group you belonged with mattered for everything, now it doesn't matter what you identify with as long as your personalities click. but my friends from highschool are still in that judging everyone mentality , ive learned to look past a lot of things and like the person, but my friends have not grown. i guess its time to leave the past in the past and move on , sad as it is ill be happier in the end.

i guess what i was trying to say is that alot of stuff that mattered in high school just doesnt in adult life and some ppl move on and grow up from it and others stay in that hs mindset and never change and cant handle it when someone else does and they become judgemental and ppl grow apart. yea. i know i never make sense lol

01-23-2012, 12:06 AM
Relax. There IS such thing as the quarter life crisis.

At 24 you ARE an adult. But a lot of things are still the first time around type experiences. You are collecting your yardsticks. Later in life you can look back and go "Oh, this is kind of like that time when... but a little different because..." and those yardsticks can help you navigate the new experience better than the first time around. But picking up those yardsticks can be painful. I'm sorry your friend break up thing was like that.

But not all friends are friends for life and grow at the pace you do. Some are friends of age and stage, some of geography, some of situation, etc.

I had friends in HS and in college that were "age and stage" because we were friends while we were all students at the same time but no so much after we graduated. I have one friend I've been friends with since we were 12. We live in different places but when we get the chance to reconnect, it's still solid -- that's a "lifetime" friend. Some are "work friends" but no more. It's just going to vary.

Try to relax about it and take it as it comes.

I'd suggest apologizing for the blow up part though with that one friend... if you are destined to grow in different directions, that's just part of life. But breaking off ugly -- that's not necessary.


bandit bear
01-23-2012, 03:23 AM
So I read your last thread, and i read this one.

I had a friend similar to yours. I've always been a bit of a sexpot, not to toot my own horn, but I'm just that way. I get male attention, whether I like it or not (and mostly, I don't like it, I am married! lol). We were friends in high school and I was always the one flirting, had boyfriends, and she didn't. When we started college, I went off, she stayed at home and went to JC. I ended up dating someone we both knew (he was originally friends with our mutual friend and coincidentally I'm not friends with her anymore, either). We kept dating, she kept being single and she got more bitter and bitter. She just kept making those kinds of comments. I knew it was tough for her.

Anyways, flash forward a couple of years, to 2008. She has a boyfriend (I think she might have been engaged at this point), a Marine, and has completely changed into this hyper ultra-conservative, when before, she had zero interest in politics. I don't have any particular interest myself, and I always ignored her incorrect posts on Myspace about the election and politics in general. When President Obama won, she posted something just so wrong that I called her out on it, via private message, and she got mad. I then told her I voted for him, and why, and I never got a reply and instead, I got deleted from her friends list. We had been friends for six years and she deleted me because I voted for the person she opposed. Then I knew she was so different than who she used to be, and worse. I honestly didn't care who she voted for, what made me mad was her being all bitter about her candidate losing.

I just couldn't believe she would throw away six years of friendship over something so stupid. I attempted to contact her several times over the last couple of years, with zero response. When she got married June 2010, I sent her a FB message congratulating her. I thought "By now, she has to be over it and accept my friend request." Nope. Shows me who she really is, someone who values similar political opinion over friendship. And I don't want to be friends with someone like that. Maybe she was still jealous, i don't know.

Anyways, I think it's better for you in the long run to not be friends with her. She's miserable and taking it out on everyone around her. You're in your mid-20s, you need to enjoy your life without limitations. She's holding you back, and you shouldn't be held back like that.

One thing I noticed is that you said she hasn't changed since high school. That's bad. Very bad. My friend hasn't really changed since high school either except for her apparent intense hatred for people who vote Democrat (lol). She's still very immature, and frankly I'm surprised she found a guy to tolerate her immaturity, but I have a feeling he's the same way (they say two kinds of guys join the Marines: the bad @sses who want to shoot things up, and the nerdy guys who have something to prove. He's the latter).

Anyways, you're changing, she isn't, and it's time to move on. You're a positive person, she's not. there is no sense in being around someone so negative and toxic all of the time.

01-23-2012, 04:19 AM
People grow apart. Some grow up, some don't. It's an unfortunate but unavoidable part of life.

I sort of split with a friend a few months ago but did so quietly. Quietly enough that he's not actually aware that I even did it. I just dropped contact, got "busy". I met him my sophomore year of college but we weren't really close. From about September to November he tried to hang out with me more but I resisted. I came to realize that I dislike the type of person he is - arrogant, rude, cruel, hypocritical, I just cut way back on contact and tried to avoid him. He ended up moving out of the building a few months back and now we barely see each other. I'm happier this way, I don't want to be around the type of person who would put me down.

Beach Patrol
01-24-2012, 02:30 PM
Sometimes people DO grow apart. Some grow up; some never seem to get the whole "adulthood" thing.

Sometimes we have to cut people out of our lives, no matter how long we've known them. Sometimes those people are family members! :o But when someone is becoming toxic to our well-being, it's up to us to decide what's best for us.

And FWIW, I find hypocrites to be the most irritating people on the planet. (It's why I hate all politicians. :lol: )