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JudgeDread
01-20-2012, 01:06 AM
So I just needed to vent.....I have nobody to talk to at the moment. I feel super alone.

So everythings been great with my BF of 1 1/2 years......now the baby talk came up lately. He is determined to have children.....Me? I don't know. I have never been at a point in my life where I've said..."I can't wait to be a mom......" I'm 26, about to turn 27.

He's worried that if we get married I will someday say "You know what, babies aren't right for me"

I just DON'T KNOW!

He would make a great dad, me as a mom..I know I can do fine, if not great. I just am not a time in my life where I want to think about babies. It scares me to death to be pregnant. I fear most of all I will get fat like my mom did after she had us kids...and then the health problems to come.

I just don't know. I love him with every bit of my heart but I feel he will drop me for this one issue. As shallow as it sounds...I know he loves me too but it baffles me he's willing to give up everything because I can't give him a sure yes or no.

I did the mistake of telling him I would do it FOR him. I guess that's not what he wanted to hear.

I guess he want's to end up like his brother, knocking up some chick he fights with and then loving the kids but having a crappy relationship???????????????????????????????????


UGH.

I don't know.


Sinoia
01-20-2012, 02:59 AM
Just be true to yourself.

Don't have babies for him. If this is a deal breaker, make it YOUR dealbreaker. Just let him know you are uncertain at this stage and you cannot say how you will feel in the future. If he loves you he will support you and, who knows, in time you may want to have babies. However, if you dont want them and have one you are saddled with it.

You are not a broodmare.

Rainbowgirl
01-20-2012, 03:16 AM
I think SOME men are of the opinion that having babies is no big deal, and to them, they're right. They do how much work in the whole process of making a baby and women are left struggling through 9 months of pregnancy, hours of labor, and then all the emotional, psychological, and physical changes that result from carrying a child, birthing it, and caring for it.

It's not really his life that would be changing, it's YOURS. So YOU are the one in control of whether you will have children and when. As Sinoia said, you're not a brood mare that he can just knock up because he's getting the feelings of wanting to populate the planet some more.

Explain to him, in gentle terms, how much of an impact having a child is not only on a relationship but on a woman individually and say that you aren't sure if that's a task you're up to at this point in time. If he can't accept that you're not willing to jump head first into a life changing decision like having a child is, then I would consider reevaluating the relationship.

That's just what I'd do personally, but I also know it would take an EXTREMELY SPECIAL man to make me want to have kids. I don't want them now or ever and he'd have to be made in heaven for me/perfect fit/soulmate/type dude for me to ever want to have children.


andrew80k
01-20-2012, 10:20 AM
You know it has to be a decision made by both of you. It's not something to get into lightly. My wife and I didn't decide to have children until we were in our mid-30's. We weren't ready. Do not do it unless you are sure you are ready, no matter what. Don't do it for him, don't do it to "save" the relationship. Children are a LOT of work. If he leaves you because you're not ready, then that's on him and you'll have to come to grips with that.

cherrypie
01-20-2012, 10:45 AM
If he knows he wants to have children he has the right to persue that. I know women who have left their husbands because the husband didn't want to have children. I really don't see the difference. If two people have uncompatable life goals I really don't see how they can successfully stay together.

MiZTaCCen
01-20-2012, 10:55 AM
If you're not ready for kids, you're not ready it's that simple and he needs to respect that!

You guys have only been together for 1.5 years...what's the rush? I can't stand desperate people who need to be married, or need to have children because society says have them by the time your this age. It's ridiculous.

Tell him you're not ready and that yes you said you would be willing to have kids but not this point in your life, when you're older. If he leaves you because of that it's because he never loved you to begin with. Harsh reality I know but if you do things you don't want to in the end you'll learn to resent him, yourself and probably the children. IT'S YOUR BODY, YOUR CHOICE! so unless the TWO of you are both ready you need to close this discussion and speak to him firmly about it.

Also...who says once you have kids he'll stick around anyways? So you pop out a baby or two and make it to a 3 year relationship who say's it doesn't end there? You've only been together for 1.5 years...take it slow theres plenty of time for babies and all that other huge responisbilty...

cherrypie
01-20-2012, 11:08 AM
sorry, but a 1.5 year relationship is long enough to be discussing life goals and seeing if they are compatable. Would you tell a woman that if she really wanted kids and was with a man who didn't? Would you tell a woman who left a man who couldn't give her what she needed in life that she never loved him in the first place?

Lovely
01-20-2012, 11:25 AM
:hug: Be honest with yourself, and be honest with your boyfriend.

When my husband and I began discussing our long-term goals for life, the topic of children came up on many occasions. In fact, it still comes up as we communicate about our wants and needs as they change over time.

I am a person that may or may not choose to have children in the future. I was quite straight forward about this with my husband long before we were married.

I believe my words were something the effect of "I'm not sure that I want children. I may one day. I do not want them now. I do know that my mind is not completely made up on the matter. If we choose to stay together, we both have to be okay with the fact that it's a real possibility that I may never want to have children. I understand if this conflicts with what you want, but we should face things as they are and decide if this relationship is right for us."

It was a longer discussion than just that, but it needed to be said. If he was the type of person who absolutely 100% wanted children, then we wouldn't have made a good fit for each other regardless of how much we cared for one another. Either he'd be resentful if I never wanted children, or I'd be resentful for having children to make him happy.

He's okay with it, and he's okay if we change our minds down the road.

From your post, you're at a point in your relationship where the long-term is being discussed. It needs to be discussed honestly. For both your benefits.

If you don't know, you don't know. There's nothing wrong with not knowing. He will have to decide whether your life goals match up with his, and the same goes for you. This isn't a shallow issue for either of you. It's very personal, and potentially life altering.

djs06
01-20-2012, 11:29 AM
You said it yourself- you're not at a time in your life where you're ready to think about babies. I'm not either, and I don't know that I ever will be, so I understand. You just need to be honest with your bf that it's not something you're ready for at this point and you don't know if you will be. You might decide a few years down the road that you do want kids or you definitely don't. But you don't "owe" him children, and it's not something you should do "for him." The resentment you're already feeling about this issue is apparent in your line about his brother. No doubt you'd love your children if you had them, but you'd resent your bf/husband if you felt forced to have them or lose him.

Couples don't always have matching life goals, and sometimes they are deal breakers- but that's okay.

Daki
01-20-2012, 12:07 PM
I have always wanted children, I've known that since I was 12. I have DEFINITELY ended relationships because we were not seeing eye to eye on that topic. Ended a 2 year relationship because we were in our 20s and he didn't want kids until he was late 30s. I didn't want to compromise and I didn't want him to have to. So we broke up instead.

Before I moved in with my current boyfriend I had a talk with him. I said "Once you move in together, you either get married or you break up. People don't generally move in together then move out then get married. I want children. Before we do this, I need to make sure you want them too." He told me that he was not thrilled about having kids for a long time and only recently did he think that having kids could be good. He said if he never had any kids he'd be okay and if he did have kids, he'd be okay with that too.

Don't settle. Don't do it "for" him. I think you should be with someone who is fine with whatever you eventually decide. There are guys out there who don't think they need kids to have a fulfilled life.. but they aren't opposed to it either.

You are almost 27, you don't need to decide now. But I probably would decide if this is a dealbreaker for your relationship. You shouldn't HAVE to have children because he wants them. And he shouldn't HAVE to be okay with not having any. It's a meaningful, fundamental difference between the two of you. It's not a silly thing to break up over.

Alicia87
01-20-2012, 12:16 PM
Having matching goals in life is a huge factor in a successful relationship. It sucks when you love someone and don't see eye to eye on things and sometimes you have to end it. I know how hard a decision that can be (am in the middle of this myself except I want kids and he doesn't know/doesn't think so). It's really hard to deal with but in the long run you want both of you to be happy.

runningfromfat
01-20-2012, 12:19 PM
I've got to say that if you guys can't agree on this thing it probably is a dealbreaker. I've always known I wanted kids, honestly, I can't ever remembering a point of time that I didn't want at least one kid. Every guy that I've dated I've pretty much made sure we agreed on that early on. Didn't mean that it was remotely a constant topic of conversation but it's something important enough to me (amongst other issues) that I would've ended a relationship over it.


FWIW, I have seen marriages end because of this very issue. It's a lot easier to get out of one now then with many years of marriage under your belt.

Sorry, I'm not trying to sound harsh. I do think this is 100% your decision and nobody should be forced into a pregnancy if you don't want one. On the other hand, he certainly should have the same choice and if it's clear you don't want kids, then it's his choice to leave.

Another thing too... as someone who has had fertility issues and have seen friends and relatives who have struggled with them too (and I'm talking about women in their late 20's/early 30's), it is a decision that you might have to make sooner than later. If you don't want kids that is 100% OK but be sure about it, come to peace with the decision and know that if you change your mind in your mid-30's there maybe not be the option left for biological children. I have many friends who have made that decision and are happy with it. Others who have decided to adopt. It's a very personal choice. But I do think it's worth doing a bit soul searching first and making sure you're happy with your choice.

As... I definitely think 1.5 years is long enough to decide about a relationship. DH and I got married after 1.5 years of dating and are still married today (many years later! :D ).

Oh, and about weight gain in pregnancy. I gained like CRAZY but I also ended up eating a TON of crap and not exercising enough. So... if you eat healthy, and exercise a lot of that can be prevented. Also, check my ticker. I'm underneath my prepregnancy weight, it's definitely possible to lose it again even if you do gain a lot. ;)

MiZTaCCen
01-20-2012, 12:54 PM
sorry, but a 1.5 year relationship is long enough to be discussing life goals and seeing if they are compatable. Would you tell a woman that if she really wanted kids and was with a man who didn't? Would you tell a woman who left a man who couldn't give her what she needed in life that she never loved him in the first place?

Possibly wrong choice of words, but it was more my opinion. I also didn't say don't discuss future goals, I said whats the rush? as in whats the rush into having children at this point in her life especially when you've only been together for 1.5 years. Not to mention she's not even married to him yet. (not I don't exactly agree that you need to be married, or I'm one for marriage, but doesn't that thing usually come up before deciding babies?) I personally do think if he left and went to another woman right away to be his baby maker he didn't love her. Or he loved her but wasn't IN love. (again my opinion.) She already told him she'd do it for him, she's just not ready right now and if he's pressuring her about it, of course she's going to freak out and I don't blame her. I'm the same age as her and you bring up babies to me I shut right down. Who know's maybe in the end it'll work out for the best, or she'll come to realize that as much as she loves him, he's just not the right person for her...

Actually this story reminds me of the book baby proof (by the chick who wrote something borrowed. lol)

JudgeDread
01-20-2012, 12:59 PM
Thanks guys. We talked again this morning...got it worked out. I told him I was open to it....and I can see myself having kids with HIM. But I have just been scared because I hear horror stories from people being pregnant...seeing how my mom gained and never lost the weight...how it deteriorated her health so much.

I think what hurt me most was that it felt like it was a dealbreaker. He said he doesn't want to get married unless we are on the same path, yet says if we don't have kids he would be with me the rest of our lives anyways.

I feel better, but yeah we are both not ready yet, which is good. I just haven't thought about it much..haven't been around kids much..it's scary! It' an obstacle I can get over eventually but I just wanted his support. But I guess my jokes and complaining about pregnancy scared him more than anything.

cherrypie
01-20-2012, 01:23 PM
Possibly wrong choice of words, but it was more my opinion. I also didn't say don't discuss future goals, I said whats the rush? as in whats the rush into having children at this point in her life especially when you've only been together for 1.5 years. Not to mention she's not even married to him yet. (not I don't exactly agree that you need to be married, or I'm one for marriage, but doesn't that thing usually come up before deciding babies?) I personally do think if he left and went to another woman right away to be his baby maker he didn't love her. Or he loved her but wasn't IN love. (again my opinion.) She already told him she'd do it for him, she's just not ready right now and if he's pressuring her about it, of course she's going to freak out and I don't blame her. I'm the same age as her and you bring up babies to me I shut right down. Who know's maybe in the end it'll work out for the best, or she'll come to realize that as much as she loves him, he's just not the right person for her...

Actually this story reminds me of the book baby proof (by the chick who wrote something borrowed. lol)

seriously? you think people should get married before they discuss if they want kids or not? :lol:

he didn't want her to get pregnant this month by the way, he wanted to know if she wanted to have kids one day.

alaskanlaughter
01-20-2012, 06:29 PM
these are my thoughts...from my experiences...

when i was 19 i got pregnant with my long-time boyfriend and we later got married...it was unplanned and i have NEVER regretted that...although him and i are no longer married i have NEVER regretted having my baby or being with him .....a little while farther in life, i met a man that i later married (still married to)...after we had been together for maybe 3(?) years we went ahead and had a baby...i didnt particularly want to have more children BUT i made a CHOICE to give him a child which was something he passionately wanted in his life...and let me be clear, i CHOSE to do that for him and i have NEVER regretted that choice either....i love both my children with all my heart (probably more than either man i've married lol) and i have NEVER looked back and felt regret over any of those decisions

however i do NOT plan on having more children...both pregnancies took a toll on my physical and emotional health..lots of weight gain with both...the childbirth for both children was long, difficult and traumatic...that being said, i am 34 now and plan to focus on MY health, MY body and do not want any more children...ever...my DH knows that and, at this point, he is okay with that although i think he would like more

if DH gets to the point where he desperately wants to have more children, then that could become a dealbreaker for us...as he deserves to have more children if he wants, and i also deserve to NOT have more

novangel
01-22-2012, 10:11 PM
Speaking from experience do not have a baby if you're not sure. I can't stress that enough.

bandit bear
01-23-2012, 03:31 AM
sorry, but a 1.5 year relationship is long enough to be discussing life goals and seeing if they are compatable. Would you tell a woman that if she really wanted kids and was with a man who didn't? Would you tell a woman who left a man who couldn't give her what she needed in life that she never loved him in the first place?

Well, it depends on how old they are. I started dating my husband when I was 18 and he was 19, and after a year and a half, we were still only almost 20 and 21.

We were lucky that we were young, and I was in college and he was in the Army so we just kind of floated together until we moved in together after 5 years. We got married about a year ago and I'm still not sure if and when I want kids. I do know he definitely wants them but we decided to cross that bridge when we get there. We're definitely not ready now and we did get a dog, and that's working out splendidly. I know I'll be ready when i'm ready.

It needs to be a complete dealbreaker. For example, my husband would not date a smoker, and lo and behold, I smoked. So I quit.

Amy8888
01-23-2012, 05:56 PM
So everythings been great with my BF of 1 1/2 years......now the baby talk came up lately. He is determined to have children.....Me? I don't know. I have never been at a point in my life where I've said..."I can't wait to be a mom......" I'm 26, about to turn 27.

He's worried that if we get married I will someday say "You know what, babies aren't right for me"

I just DON'T KNOW!

He would make a great dad, me as a mom..I know I can do fine, if not great.

I think you sound like me when I was dating my husband. He's always known he wanted kids. In fact, he wanted 5. I figured I'd have kids but like you, was never a "baby person." I'd get excited if I saw a puppy but not a baby.

I married him when I was 29 and had to finish my dissertation so he didn't even consider pushing the issue until that was done. Once that was done, in fact, he didn't bring it up, he let me come to the conclusion that I was ready to try. By that point, I'd seen him react to pets vomiting and having accidents and so on. And seriously, this might sound weird, but he was able to laugh at stuff like that and that made me laugh, and I knew I could do the baby thing with him. The things I was scared of, I knew we could laugh through.

So I finally had our first baby and I was more in love than I'd ever been with anyone. I sat on the couch holding her, just crying because I couldn't believe how strongly I loved her. My husband had to teach me how to change diapers, but now I'm a pro. I've had two more kids. He's not getting the 5 he wanted because I'm done but I think he's okay with that.

I'm not saying it'll be the same for you, and I could be misreading your post (which I read as you're not OPPOSED to babies, you're just not sure about them). The funny thing is, the guy I dated before wasn't into kids and since I was not set to have them, I never thought about having kids myself. I think it's okay to be influenced into having kids if it's more the case that you're undecided, rather than you're opposed to having them.

You may also need more time to be child-free. I was almost 31 when we had our first and by then, I was fine with not going out every weekend. My husband was very smart not to push the issue until I was done with school (or really, ever, but he wouldn't even consider it until I was done). Are there things like that still going on that you need to finish up before starting a new phase of life?

I think it's good that you're talking about it and I hope you and he can both be completely honest with yourselves. I don't want to seem like someone else pressuring you, but I can tell you that in my case I learned it really is true, babies are different when they're your own.

JudgeDread
01-23-2012, 06:06 PM
Thanks again guys for your thoughts.

We did talk it out and I got him to understand I wasn't against the idea, I just wasn't really sure. He interpreted my fears and jokes as me saying "no way". It was just a way for me to deal with my fears by making fun of the whole pregnancy thing (and telling him he had to change ALL the diapers hehe)

So yeah, we both are not ready now. I just got scared thinking about it. Now he feels better and me too. I think it is just scary that I am turning 27 next month and that window is closing sooner than I want it to! Getting old sucks!

mhuppert
01-23-2012, 10:16 PM
I definitely agree with others who have said don't rush into it, and don't do it if you think you're "on the fence" because as those of us with children know, it is a HUGE change in your life! (It personally for me was a great change, but still a big commitment) But from your reply it sounds like you just don't know at this point and that's okay, because like I said, it's a big decision. Maybe someday you will want them, maybe not, but I think it's a wise choice to give yourselves time to really think it through. :hug: Glad your BF seems to understand now.

krampus
01-24-2012, 12:47 PM
I'm glad you got this sorted out. Everyone knows that many women determined to never have babies decide at 35 that they've changed their minds, and many men who think they really want children can find happiness elsewhere.

Skittlez
01-30-2012, 02:14 PM
A bit of a necro, but it sounded to me like you were more scared about how having a child could effect your health than the actual having kids part. I wasn't sure if I wanted to have kids when I met my now husband, in fact I was pretty sure I didn't want them. I told him so flat out and he accepted that even though he did want some. He didn't want them enough that it was a dealbreaker though I guess. Now five years later I'm at the point where I do want a kid. People change, and having a kid is a scary thing, I so agree with you on that. But just because your mom had problems with her pregnancy doesn't mean you will! You can make choices that will make your pregnancy a safer one if you chose (if you decide to have kids later). Good luck!