General chatter - My ex will be at the wedding I'm in =(




Daki
01-19-2012, 10:41 AM
So, I'm a bridesmaid in a February wedding and the bride just broke the news to me last night that my emotionally abusive ex was invited out of politeness (We were all a big group of friends) and since he hasn't talked to her or the groom in months she thought that he wouldn't come. Well, it turns out he accepted the invitation.

I am a little spazzed out about this. See, we dated for 3 years and a few months after we broke up for the second time his close friend asked me out. I fully warned him what this would do to his friendship with my ex and he said he thought I was worth it. We kept the fact that we were dating a secret because we wanted to make sure it was going somewhere first. After our 3rd date we agreed we were definitely going somewhere and we needed to figure out how to tell my ex. Turns out he suspected it and confront us via text before we got to tell him. He FLIPPED out on us. Accusing us of only dating so he could get laid and I could get back at my ex (not that it was any of his business but we hadn't done anything more than a kiss and a hug). We NEEDED to get his PERMISSION before dating (Like he would have said yes /eye roll). And he called me all sorts of not nice things that would get censored here. He didn't want me anymore but he didn't want anyone else to have me either (He said those words).

Anyway. I'm still with my boyfriend. We've been dating for a year and a half and everything is absolutely amazing with us. He's simply the best. While I'm over my ex, I'm upset that he is going to be there. From what I've heard he's SO MUCH WORSE than when I dated him. I hear he's extremely depressed and his emotional abuse has turned physical and he's hopping to a new girl every month. So I'm worried he's going to start problems. When I knew him I knew that he would never do that but when I knew him he'd never do a lot of things he does now.

Has anyone else been in this sort of situation? Was it as awkward as I'm imagining? I know I need to stay far away from him and ignore him but I'm worried he's also going to try to horde time with my friends and my boyfriend and I will be sitting by ourselves. I've SO been looking forward to this wedding and now I'm dreading it.

I feel I'm being a baby about this but this guy ruined my life for YEARS. He broke my self esteem, he had me dependent on him, he took me away from my friends, he'd dictate when I could and couldn't go out, he'd scream in my face and call me awful names, he'd throw things just near enough to me to scare the sh-t out of me. Granted, I let these things happen to me, I should have left him years before I did. I'm still afraid of him, though. I'm upset I haven't gotten over my fear of him but I don't even know where to start for that.

I think.. that I really just needed to vent because I don't have very many people I can talk to about this. But if anyone has any advice I welcome it.


MiZTaCCen
01-19-2012, 11:18 AM
I personally think you have every right to be p!ssed...he hasn't talked to them in month and you're in the wedding I'm going to guess because you're a good friend...so for them to invite your douche ex is pretty crappy IMO.

As much as he's ruined your life before though, I'd say go in there like you just don't care! You have an amazing boyfriend, I guess you have an amazing group of friends and you look wonderful. Maybe take a kick boxing class here and there just incase your ex acts up and boot F him into next tuesday. lol jk... Try and be civil towards him as hard as thats going to be. No need to have him ruin your night just because he decided to be there. He is who he is, and he's made you a better person out of what he's done to you.

Worse comes to worse, if he starts really acting up and you become completely uncomfortable just leave. It's your friends fault for inviting him to begin with and if they don't understand WHY you had to leave then they arent that great of friends.

Besides we all think the worse of situations we don't know. Maybe he'll be on his best behaviour and it won't be as bad as your imagining it right now!

theCandEs
01-19-2012, 11:49 AM
Your ex sounds a lot like my SIL. Anyway, usually in these situations they will either be on their best behavior, or they will stare daggers at you all night and trash you to any of your friends who care to listen. That has been my experience. Usually, that just makes them look bad, but you never know who might be impressionable enough to believe him. I doubt he will say anything much to you directly, but you know better than I do as to what he might do. My guess is he is not going to the wedding to show happiness for the newly married couple, but to show his distaste for you. I would guess he will find some date he can show off, too, to make it seem like he has moved on. I would say, try to ignore him the best you can (I know that's hard!), and don't let him bring you down!

Hopefully, I am wrong, and everything will be just fine. Sometimes I can worry myself into a tizzy, and then everything goes just fine.


Daki
01-19-2012, 12:21 PM
for them to invite your douche ex is pretty crappy IMO.

No need to have him ruin your night just because he decided to be there. He is who he is, and he's made you a better person out of what he's done to you.

Worse comes to worse, if he starts really acting up and you become completely uncomfortable just leave.

Maybe he'll be on his best behaviour and it won't be as bad as your imagining it right now!

You know, I really am disappointed he was invited at all. The bride and my boyfriend are best friends and she was really upset at how my ex treated us. I do know that she invited SEVERAL people that she didn't really want there as a polite gesture and a couple of them are actually coming. So I guess she's learned her lesson with that lol. She doesn't like excluding people even if she's got a good reason.

Yeah he really did make me a stronger person. I felt like I had to completely rebuild myself. Now he's falling apart and I'm stronger than ever with a partner who is my biggest fan. I suppose it does seem a little silly to worry with all that's going for me. And you're right, worst case I can just leave.

usually in these situations they will either be on their best behavior, or they will stare daggers at you all night and trash you to any of your friends who care to listen.

My guess is he is not going to the wedding to show happiness for the newly married couple, but to show his distaste for you. I would guess he will find some date he can show off, too, to make it seem like he has moved on.

Sometimes I can worry myself into a tizzy, and then everything goes just fine.

Yeah, I'm hoping he just behaves himself or stares daggers. He can do that all he likes. I just don't want any passive aggressive BS or him approaching me. And it was also my thought that he had an ulterior motive for going. Be it trying to win our friends over again, or showing off a date, or whatever. I DEFINITELY worry myself into a tizzy and I'm pretty sure that's what I'm doing about this. I'm a worrier lol.

Thanks guys! You're making me feel better about this already =)

MiZTaCCen
01-19-2012, 12:45 PM
Yeah he really did make me a stronger person. I felt like I had to completely rebuild myself. Now he's falling apart and I'm stronger than ever with a partner who is my biggest fan. I suppose it does seem a little silly to worry with all that's going for me. And you're right, worst case I can just leave.

Thanks guys! You're making me feel better about this already =)

I know exactly how you feel when someone rips you apart completely and you have to start from scratch to find yourself and rebuild yourself but in the end I look back at it all and think..."it was worth it" at the time not so much, but the aftermath of it, always turns out for the best.

Also you're friend needs to work on not being a people pleaser! lol If it's my wedding and I don't want you there, I aint inviting you, not even out of a nice gesture haha.

Glad you're feeling a bit better about the whole thing! :hug:

cherrypie
01-19-2012, 01:02 PM
You are happy and he isn't. If anything you are going to have way more fun at this wedding than he is.

CrystalZ10
01-19-2012, 01:06 PM
Sounds like he's a hot mess and your pulled together....let him TRY to say anything to you and just give it back to him. I'm sure you've got plenty of ammo...
Just don't let him corner you or your boyfriend alone...just to be on the safe side..

Why can't the bride uninvite him?

mammasita
01-19-2012, 01:56 PM
I think the bride was 100% wrong for even inviting him. WHO CARES about politeness considering she knew how he treated you and she is fully aware that you are now dating your ex's friend. I know this is probably not an option for you, but I would personally back out of the wedding. For me, its the principal of the matter.

I hope everything works out for you!

Sunshine73
01-19-2012, 02:15 PM
Here's my take on it (and I've been in similar situations):

First, since the bride and groom are aware of the history, I would suggest that the groom talk to the ushers and/or groomsmen and ask them to keep an eye on the situation so that if he becomes obnoxious toward you they can quietly and discreetly redirect the situation.

Second, we always tend to think that these situations will be much worse than they actually are (at least this is true with me). You'll be busy with bridesmaid duty, wedding party stuff and most likely seated at the head table which means if he's going to be a jerk, he's most likely going to have to do so in front of a ton of people - in which case the groomsmen/ushers should be able to diffuse the situation.

Finally, go and enjoy yourself. This idiot doesn't deserve one more minute of your precious time or one half of a thought. You've moved on and are happy. If he's stuck in the past that's his problem. If he behaves like an idiot, that's on him. Just remind yourself how incredibly lucky you are that you don't have to put up with his crap anymore!

EagleRiverDee
01-19-2012, 04:52 PM
Someone told me once, the best revenge is just to be happy.

Go to the wedding. Be happy. If he starts a scene over you and your boyfriend, that's his problem. Yeah, it'll be awkward. But it won't be your fault. Your friend invited him, out of politeness, obviously not fully thinking through what could happen if he said yes. He did say yes. So, if he causes a scene that puts a black spot on their wedding, that's really her fault. My opinion is that you should at least air out this possibility with your friend. They can either un-invite him, or at least check with him and tell him you WILL be there with your boyfriend and if he has a problem with that he needs to not come. That they won't tolerate any scenes. See what he says.

astrophe
01-19-2012, 05:11 PM
Look, the marriage is about the union, not the party foo foo after.

Be in the wedding, honor your bride and groom pals. Then leave the party foo foo optional. If you are having fun, yay. Stay and have fun. If you aren't, do your goodbyes, leave and have fun elsewhere. It isn't your party, and you didn't invite the horrible guest. So you aren't obligated to stay there.

Let the ex worry about himself and his problems. If he makes a scene, I doubt it would be at the ceremony.

If he makes a butt of himself at the reception party, you can leave. You aren't STUCK there like you are as part of the bridal party in the ceremony.

Try relax and not worry about it. His issues are his issues -- it isn't about you. :hug:

A.

bandit bear
01-20-2012, 02:30 AM
I do know that she invited SEVERAL people that she didn't really want there as a polite gesture and a couple of them are actually coming. So I guess she's learned her lesson with that lol. She doesn't like excluding people even if she's got a good reason.

Honestly.... how horrible would it be for her to rescind the invitation? Or for her to talk to him and say that if he causes problems, he'll be asked to leave? You're a bridesmaid, you absolutely cannot leave if he starts acting up. You're an important part of the wedding, from before the start to afterwards. You don't want to miss anything. And for you to miss because of him isn't fair not only to you but to the bride.

So either the bride rescinds the invitation or she has a stern talking to with him.

bandit bear
01-20-2012, 02:33 AM
Also you're friend needs to work on not being a people pleaser! lol If it's my wedding and I don't want you there, I aint inviting you, not even out of a nice gesture haha.

That's exactly how i was with my wedding. My dad does not get along with his brother and sister, so I didn't invite them. Luckily they live in Texas and we live in California. But I don't care if I hurt their feelings, they're bad people and would have ruined the night. My uncle is an argumentative prick and my aunt is (sadly) confined to a wheelchair due to her inability to stop drinking alcohol and smoking (she had a hip transplant and the hip replacement had to be removed due to infection due to her not taking care of herself), and all she does is argue too. And she'd have to have a caretaker come with her.

bandit bear
01-20-2012, 02:40 AM
Be in the wedding, honor your bride and groom pals. Then leave the party foo foo optional. If you are having fun, yay. Stay and have fun. If you aren't, do your goodbyes, leave and have fun elsewhere. It isn't your party, and you didn't invite the horrible guest. So you aren't obligated to stay there.

Actually, the bridal party is a big part of the reception. They're introduced at lunch/dinner (depending on the time of the ceremony), sit at the head table with the bride and groom (or the wedding party table), usually give toasts, are a part of the bouquet toss and garter toss, are there for the cutting of the cake. Plus, the BMs also help the bride freshen up, and should also be in the pictures of the reception! Not to mention that the reception is the best part of the wedding. The ceremony is only about 30 minutes, depending. It might not be her party per say, but she's a part of it by being in the bridal party. If she was a mere guest, then that would be fine. But I would have been really upset if one of my bridesmaids left after the ceremony at my wedding. They're my friends and I want to celebrate with them!

Sinoia
01-20-2012, 02:54 AM
I was in a relationship like that and understand all too well. That sort of emotional abuse is all about control and now you have your own control back so he is powerless, no matter what he may do at the wedding.

I know there is an historical, residual anxiety but you can set that aside.

Only you can know how vulnerable you feel and if you sat down and made a list on a scale of one to ten, one being that you do not go to the wedding at all, and ten being you go and he does not exist at all for you ... then you can decide on your course of action.

sontaikle
01-20-2012, 09:29 AM
I'm sorry but you have every right to be pissed over the insensitivity of the bride and groom. Abusers do not deserve "POLITENESS" at all!

People really need to stop glossing over abuse and making it all "hush hush"

MARLA26
01-20-2012, 10:12 AM
I would not be at the wedding. Your friend was way out of line and callous in inviting him, knowing the circumstances.
She has to learn that there are consequences to her poor choices in life.

And you should not put yourself, your boyfriend and other guests in harms way of the abusive ex.
He might get drunk at the wedding, or before, to build up more nerve to act out.

There are a lot of negative news stories out there every week about people acting out and being violent at parties....leading to bloodshed and injuries and worse.

Your friend may have put you and others in harms way. Why should you agonize over this for months? A wedding should be a joyous event, not a battleground.

Your friend did not handle the situation properly, so therefore, you have every right to back out.
Her wedding might be wonderful fairytale for her, but it's a nightmare for you.
:(

EZMONEY
01-20-2012, 10:49 AM
It is the bride's wedding...

she can invite anybody she wants to...

it's not up to her to "police" anyone.

If the op feels in danger, in any way, she should bow out...

I am sure the bride will understand and if she doesn't then that's just too damn bad.

thinner
01-20-2012, 10:50 AM
I too would be mad if I had put all the work, time (money??) into being a bridesmaid and then had to miss a reception, pictures, or any other part of it. I think someone should remind him to be prepared for who he will see there. My personal opinion is that he accepted the invitation to make people uncomfortable. If he makes a scene, he's only making himself look bad and proving to everyone there how he is without a doubt. Is there security at the venues? And, if he does make a scene, either he will be removed or you are definitely within rights to get up and leave, and it's HER wedding that got ruined, not yours.

Daki
01-20-2012, 11:52 AM
Thank you, everyone.

I'm going to speak with the bride tonight and raise the concern that my ex might pull some shady sh-t. Almost all of the wedding party understands the background story even if they don't know the details. I'm pretty sure a few of the guys will be keeping an eye out for funny business.

I refuse to show him that he can still dictate my actions, so I'm going to tough it out, avoid him, and have a great time. Plus I spent $220 on that dress, I wanna rock it! It might not even be a "tough it out" situation. It'll just be the first time I've seen him in a year and half and I'm not sure if my reaction will be fear, indifference, anger, whatever. But I'm not a "cause a scene" kind of girl so I'll just avoid him with all my might.

I've already calmed down significantly about this. I freaked at first, but there's no reason to be afraid. He's old hat and I'm awesome. I am still disappointed they invited him but it IS their wedding. I accepted to be a part of it. All I can do is being an adult and avoid any interaction. I'm sure I'll be busy with bridesmaid duties anyway.

Thank you all for your kind words! I really appreciate it.

EZMONEY
01-20-2012, 11:58 AM
great attitude DAKI

bandit bear
01-20-2012, 12:50 PM
It is the bride's wedding...

she can invite anybody she wants to...

it's not up to her to "police" anyone.

If the op feels in danger, in any way, she should bow out...

I am sure the bride will understand and if she doesn't then that's just too damn bad.

Yeah, but inviting an abusive ex of one of her bridesmaids? Out of politeness? of course she has ever right to invite whomever she wants, but where is the politeness towards her bridesmaid?

bandit bear
01-20-2012, 12:58 PM
I'm going to speak with the bride tonight and raise the concern that my ex might pull some shady sh-t.

I would honestly ask her if she would uninvite him simply due to it making you uncomfortable. She needs to ask herself who she wants more there, a close friend who is also in the wedding party, or a sometimes acquaintance. All she has to do is phone him up, say that she's sorry but he can no longer attend due to extenuating circumstances, and have that be that. If she hurts his feelings, who cares? And if she has to say something, if he asks, she can say she gave a miscount to the caterer and there is no room for him at the reception.

Daki
01-20-2012, 01:57 PM
I would honestly ask her if she would uninvite him simply due to it making you uncomfortable.

The situation is not really so black and white. I told myself I would never interfere with his friendship with my friends because I don't want to give him the satisfaction of being able to blame me for him having no friends left. A lot of our friends are torn because of who they thought he was for years and who he turned into after we broke up. They are all so loyal to everyone they befriend that they didn't really know how to react to his behavior. I haven't told most of them that he was emotionally abusive.

Another complication is this wedding would really only be a test run. His best friend and my best friend are getting married next year. We're both going to be asked to be in the wedding party. How this wedding goes will determine my answer if I'll accept the privilege of being the maid of honor at my best friend's wedding. This is the real reason I don't want him uninvited. It would break my heart to decline to be in her wedding because of him. She dated my ex's friend for 2 years and our relationships mirrored each other. Those two might as well have been the same person. But we supported each other, helped each other find the confidence to end it, helped each other remember why we were leaving these duds, supported each other as we rebuilt ourselves and found who we really are again. Not only that, but I freaking set her up with her fiance! I can't keep asking that he not be invited to weddings.

bandit bear
01-20-2012, 10:31 PM
Oh you absolutely can't back out of the wedding. No way.

The way you reason though, is very sound and I think you made your own argument as to why you should stay in the wedding, stay the whole time, and basically ignore him.

So his best friend is marrying your best friend next year? That's like friend incest! lol j/k. But that's really tough. If this goes OK, I would still be cautious accepting her invitation to be MOH because he might be the Best Man, and then you two would have to walk down the aisle together, plan and coordinate together, and that would just be all bad. But I'd worry about that later on. I do think it would be a good idea to have the groomsmen keep an eye on him. Is the couple who is getting married next year coming to this wedding?

Telorida
01-20-2012, 10:42 PM
Someone told me once, the best revenge is just to be happy.

I came here to say this exact quote - except I heard, "The best revenge is living well."

Make sure the male half of the bridal party knows to be on the lookout, and above all, if anything comes up, keep any drama WELL AWAY from the bride and groom. (I'll avoid going in to how weak-willed it was for her to invite people she didn't want to share the day with...)

You will get through this. Do NOT let him get the better of you. Be cordial. Be the better person. It sounds like you already are.

Your ex sounds like my father. (I mean to say... he sounds like someone who is depressed, lashing out at the world, and really needs help that nobody but a professional can provide.)

Alicia87
01-22-2012, 01:34 PM
I read the title of your post and thought, yeah I remember that.

My best friend is married to my on-again, off-again boyfriend's brother. My situation is different in that he is not abusive, but we have issues that we don't seem to be able to work out.

I was maid of honor in my best friend's wedding and obviously being that the groom was his brother, he was there too. It wasn't as big of a deal as you might think though. I know that my situation is different because he wasn't abusive, but as a member of the wedding party you are so busy taking care of the bride and pictures and you sit at the head table and so on, that you don't honestly have to work too hard to avoid people if you don't want to talk to them. It was awkward, no doubt, but turned out okay for me.

Just be you! Be fantastic, look gorgeous in your fabulous dress and enjoy the night with your friends. If you do have to interact with him, just politely say hi and then excuse yourself. You don't owe him anything, but you do owe it to yourself to enjoy this wedding. Don't give your power away to him, he doesn't decide what you do with your life - you do!!