I know it sounds crazy me coming here for help, Im new to this board. but i really need support right now. me being over weight has been a battle for years, it started with my first child, then iwas ten pds over weight with the second added thirty and I have had my third child two years ago, Im not almost eighty pounds overweight. my husband and I have been married for 15 years. we like all couples have gone through alot of ups and downs in those 15 years. but he is ready to leave me, he has talked about moving out. it all stems to my weight gain, inside im so mad at him and hate him for being so shallow. but in my head I understand why, he is no longer attracted to me, and Im not in the best of shape, I use to be active and I am no longer, Im tired alot and never have alot of energy. I need help, Im so depressed my marriage is falling apart and my family because Im fat. How weak can I be? Im 33 years old and in the worse shape ever.
Michelle, I don't have any easy answers for you ... actually I don't have any answers at all, except that it's not crazy to come here for help. This is a great, supportive community with lots of different kinds of groups. It looks as though you've made four posts, so maybe you've already hooked up with a particular thread that makes sense to you (people tend to cluster in groups on this site for some reason). I currently post on the St. Patricia's Pledge thread on this board. We are playing a game at the moment! You'd be welcome to join us and I know people from all over the board would also warmly welcome you to their groups and somewhere I know you'd find just the right kind of support for you at this stage in your journey. There is also a forum on depression and weight issues on 3FC ... I haven't lurked there for ages, so don't know if it'd be useful or not to you.
Whatever you do or wherever you post, please feel better, don't make rash decisions or assume that everything that seems wrong in your life is due to weight or is unfixable! Everything is fixable, including weight!!! Stay strong!
I'm so sorry for your troubles, and I certainly hope things get better for you soon.
When you're in a troubled relationship of any kind, it completely saps your energy - it can really suck the life out of you & it becomes a downward spiral. I totally relate. I don't know you, or your husband, but I can say that I do not believe people leave marriages/fall out of love, especially ones that've lasted for 15 years, because one of the people in the relationship gains weight. That might be what he's saying, or that you're hearing (or what you believe), but I just don't buy it. Might it be because he sees that your personality is changing (i.e., the depression? lack of energy? lack of motivation?) and he just can't deal with that? Weight is an "easy" thing to blame problems on... but it's normally just a symptom.
Off my soapbox now!!
Honestly, coming here & posting is an awesome first step! Have you ever considered couseling of any kind? It might be helpful just to talk it out totally & gain some new perspective & reinforcement.
Either way, congrats on taking the first step & best of luck to you!
You need to concentrate on yourself! You have probably been doing for your husband and children ever since you got married.
It's time for you.... make time for yourself and start thinking about goals, they don't have to be big. You have to love yourself first. Did you ever see that movie with (Shelly Winters) her husband leaves and she completely falls apart and gains a bunch of weight. She finally relizes she has to do it for herself and started dieting and excercising and working really hard and pretty soon she relizes she really doesn't need him to be happy.
My Dear Michelle,
Please don't be so down on yourself. This will not help. If after 15 years this man is walking out because of some weight, well I say see ya!!!!! I know it's hard, but you have to do this weight loss for yourself not for him or anyone else. If you try to loose it for him and you fail, you will blame him, and everytime you want something you think you should not have you will blame him, in the end you will hate this man, and it does not sound like you want to do that. Maybe a good old fashioned talk willl help? You need support in this and him walking out will not be much support.
I have been married for 14 years this year, and my dh has seen me in an 85 lb range or more. The man, does have his faults, but I do love him, and he supports me in all that I do. He told me that he did not marry me for the weight, he married whats inside this girl!!! He said the outside is only packaging and its whats inside that counts, and he says in that aspect he just loves me more everyday!!!
For Valentines he sent me flowers with a card that read this (keep in mind I am loosing and he supports it)
EVERYDAY I LOVE LESS OF YOU, KEEP UP THE GOOD WORK, LOVE HUBBY.....
Okay, might be corny to some of you, but it touched my heart so, it made me cry!!!
So you see, there are men out there that will love you for you!!! Maybe you need to sit this man of yours down and tell him how you feel and that you would like his support through your bad times, is that not in the vows (well something like that).
You have come to the right place for support, we are all here for you. I love this 3fc site, I come here probably 10 times a day or more, even when I'm at work when I can. So much encouragement found here and love from people who are going through the same things you are.
Like Dr. Phil said on a recent show in a similar situation...."Are your children from Immaculate Conceptions? Isn't your husband responsible for the pregnancies when you gained the weight? Aren't those HIS kids wearing you out everyday?"
If anyone should be talking about leaving this situation, sounds like you've got a lot better cause. Unfortunately, when someone is looking to get out of a relationship, they can always find an excuse. The problem is not your weight ....the problem is your husband's lack of commitment to his family and his failure to love, honor and cherish you as his wife and mother of his children.
Have you heard the expression...it's better to have something and not need it than need something and not have it? You might want to start stashing whatever cash you can away just in case you need it.
And dear Michelle, you are not the weak one in your relationship. You are doing your best to keep your family together without much help from your children's daddy. Don't keep this situation a secret from any friends and family, who you can trust to give you support at this difficult time. You need and deserve all the help you can get.
And one more thing....if you really want your husband to treat you better, you can set an example for him by treating yourself with more kindness, understanding and tenderness.
Oh Michelle... my heart goes out to you. I have been where you are. {{{ HUGS }}}
My husband left me in 1990 and told everyone who would listen that it was because I had gotten so fat. It not only hurt like ****... it was sooooo embarrassing that everyone knew it was because I was FAT.
I hurt soooo bad. I still cry over it sometimes. I am not willing to discuss all the details on an open forum like this.... but it was the worst year of my life.
I found support from a few special people. I turned my husband over to God to take care of because to be honest... I did not know what to do.
I wrote a positive affirmation similar to this....
"I am a worthy human being. I deserve to be treated with respect and understanding. I will not allow anyone to treat me otherwise. I turn my life and my families lives over to the care of God and I trust that he will take care of all of us in HIS TIME frame not mine. Until then, I will be the best I can be on each given day. "
Then I got myself busy "living my life" not waiting on my husband to "decide" if I was good enough for him or not.
My kids and I took trips... without him.
We visited friends .. without him.
He was shocked that I stood on my own... I did not beg him to "tolerate my fat" until I lost. I let him know... I would be just fine without him.
HE WAS SHOCKED.
In reality... I had become a different person from who he had married. I wanted to hide because of my weight. I was a different person fat than thinner.
I would like to say... "I am the same person... fat or thin." BUT... I am not.
Thinner I had a "JOY" of life. Fat I did not.
Thinner I wanted to go, go, go. Fat I wanted to hide.
Thinner I was much more aggresive in the bedroom. Fat I didn't want him to touch my blubber.
THIS IS ME ONLY. I am not speaking on behalf of all heavy women. I KNOW some women are very comfortable with their weight. I WAS NOT. I was a different person.
I guess what I am trying to say is.....
DO YOU LIKE YOU ???? If not... then change for YOU ...not for him.
Because.... my dear.... you have to live with you no matter what.
Whether he stays or he leaves... YOU WILL STILL BE THERE.
My husband finally realized that HE had his problems too.
He was not perfect either. But it took him 8 months to figure that out. We are still married today. Unfortunately I am fatter now than then. But he says he is happier than he has ever been. What is the difference.?? How can he be happier when I am fatter? I can't speak for him.... but for me.... I try to be the same person I would be if I were thinner. I try to enjoy life more now. I try to be HAPPY instead of depressed because I am fat. I am different today than I was then. My attitude is better, my self confidence is better, my life is better.
Did I change or did he ? I think we both had to. But...
I was only responsible for changing ME.
I could not control him or change him. I did NOT TRY. I let him go ... I put him in Gods hands... I let him know I still wanted to save the marriage but I would not sit around and wait on him to decide if I was "good enough " for him or not. That was his decison.. not mine... but I WAS GOOD ENOUGH for ME.
STAND PROUD Michelle.
Yes, you have a weight problem. But as everyone else also stated... your problems and your husbands problems are MORE than just pounds. Work on your self respect. Write out some "positive affirmations" and read them every day... several times a day. Improve your physical activities by 10 minutes a day.
Take it one day at a time. And know that YOU WILL MAKE IT... no matter what you have or haven't done in the past.
TODAY IS A NEW DAY. Hold your head up high and say....
"I am going to take care of me for ME."
I hope all of this rambling has made some sense.
It is impossible to tell a lifetime story in 5-6 paragraphs.
Just know you are not alone. You have support here.
Last edited by 2cute2Bfat; 02-22-2003 at 06:40 AM.
omg 2cute, you made me cry! Michelle, 2cute, both of you have been where I was, as well. 2cute, you took those words right out of my mouth and probably said them all better than I could have.
Michelle, life is too short to live for everyone else around you and then give up. You are a precious, loving, giving, worthwhile, intelligent, beautiful, strong human being. Don't let anyone tell you otherwise.
The big difference between my story and 2cute's is that I walked away from my husband. He couldn't believe his *fat* wife would walk away, I mean... who else would want me, right?? Well *I* wanted *ME* back. I started working out every day - at first it was just 5 minutes on a treadmill, that's all I was capable of. But in a few days it was up to 7 minutes, then 10... 20, 45... then inclines and running, then lifting weights again, then joining taekwondo... during that period of time I told him I wanted a divorce. When that happened, this guy's jaw hit the floor and he confessed to me that he had been 100% certain that I would "come crawling back to him." Imagine my anger. When I told my brother about that, my brother just shook his head and said "wow, even after 11 years with you, he didn't know you very well, did he." Maybe the big problem was that I didn't know myself very well, either.
Michelle, you are strong, you are a powerful force in and of yourself. Believe in yourself, because that's where it all starts.
Oh and btw .. I did lose a lot of weight .. nearly 90 pounds. I was in the best shape of my life. I met a guy I love so much it's insane, we're still together, and guess what *cough* I need to lose about 70 pounds again. And you know what? R couldn't really care less. He loves me. Period. He wants me around, he laughs with me, he cares about me, and he supports me regardless. And my ex? Oddly enough we've become pretty good friends. He realizes he was a total butthead about everything, and his second wife just left him after 7 years because of many of the same issues. I do try to not say "I told you so" but it is so very difficult sometimes.
I know it is easy to say just hang in there, but have you tried talking to your husband and explaining to him that you are trying to lose weight? Some people have such a difficult time, especially like me if you are an emotional eater. I have been lucky that my husband has been very understandable. When I was heavier I too did not want to do much and now I get right out there and do everything with them. My husband told me he would love me at 100 lbs or 1000 lbs. It is me inside, my heart and my soul. Just sit down and talk to him and ask him what the problem really is and tell him you need to know the truth.
There are so many wonderful women already offering their support- No matter what happens regarding your marriage, please keep coming back.
Just a few lines to share ..... I was in a 3yr relationship and was very close to my goal weight after losing 40+ lbs. In those days, I went to WW's meetings and am glad I did because I saw the stats and heard the applause as each pound melted away. During a "loud discussion" with my boyfriend, in which I was trying to assert myself, I was told that no matter what anyone told me, his opinion was all that mattered and I was still fat and "misled". And like the other poster, when I ended the relationship a short time later, was amazed at how long it took to convince him that I meant it.
I really need help
You'd be welcome to join us and I know people from all over the board would also warmly welcome you to their groups and somewhere I know you'd find just the right kind of support for you at this stage in your journey. There is also a forum on depression and weight issues on 3FC ... I haven't lurked there for ages, so don't know if it'd be useful or not to you.
