Emotional toll of being overweight in one's early 20's
We all know its emotionally taxing to be overweight, especially as a female, at anytime during one's life. BUT I'm having the hardest time ever this year. I'm 22 and now that I can hang out in bars, the game is much more difficult. I hang out in nyc's heavy metal scene, (that's what I like), I can't help but think the people in it generally are more shallow. Yes, I hang out with a lot of guys in bands, and what can you expect from them? But they are all late 20's early 30's and I hoped that they would be more mature than their 22 year old counter parts. WELL...I feel like I'm treated like a boy. All the slender vivacious ahem scantily clad girls get the attention and affection (that's a euphemism) of my talented, handsome guy "friends" one of which I have a pretty serious "crush" on. It hurts to, weekend after weekend, sit in the same bar watching new slim girls come and go and get all the attention and phone numbers. The worst thing: These girls sit on all the guys laps, and get carried around...it absolutely DESTROYS my self esteem. Makes me feel like a Rottweiler who is jealous of a chiuaua who gets to ride in a purse. can anyone sympathize?
I can. i am totally in love with my best friend! and he is really tall and kind of lanky. but i think he is very attractive. he spends a lot of time with me and we pretty much go everywhere together. But i hate how he always notices the super skinny shorts girls. he always mentions how attractive he thinks they are. even when im all done up and think i look really good...he'll never say anything =[
I'm 21, and while I don't have a specific guy that I like like you do, I feel like the majority of guys look past me. I'm on a couple of dating websites and the only guys who "wink" or email me are old guys in their late 30's! It is beyond frustrating. I try to use this as motivation to lose weight and better my image. I also sometimes feel like guys would rather a skinny girl who doesn't have similar interests, etc than an overweight girl who would potentially be a great match. For example, I fit the description of a lot of these guy's answers for "what are you looking for in a girl", so I message them and I get ignored because of my weight. Again, this is very frustrating, but I will just have to use it as motivation to better my physical appearance.
Last edited by xLindsay46; 12-22-2011 at 08:45 PM.
Your weight can only hold you back if you let it. Please learn to love yourself as you are, you are totally worth it! You can meet decent men at any size and many men are attracted to confident women of any size. If they are turned off simply because you're not thin, then you are hanging around the wrong guys.
I'm 23, but I spent the majority of my life overweight. I had a blast in college and graduate school and met my fiancee—all while at my starting weight! I've seen SO MANY confident plus size women with men fawning over them because of who they were and I've seen thin women who couldn't find a decent guy.
Your weight can only hold you back if you let it. Please learn to love yourself as you are, you are totally worth it! You can meet decent men at any size and many men are attracted to confident women of any size. If they are turned off simply because you're not thin, then you are hanging around the wrong guys.
I'm 23, but I spent the majority of my life overweight. I had a blast in college and graduate school and met my fiancee—all while at my starting weight! I've seen SO MANY confident plus size women with men fawning over them because of who they were and I've seen thin women who couldn't find a decent guy.
I can't ditto this enough. Seriously - this is so much the truth.
I also remember, when I would go through heavy phases in my 20's, only having older guys flirt with me. I never had many boyfriends that were close to my age - it was as if all those younger boys were only interested in skinnier girls. I don't think this is necessarily true, but thats how I felt like things were at the time.
But I also liked the conversation much better from older men! Boys my age were SO boring to talk to.
I do have a funny story: My best friend, when I was an overweight teen, was VERY pretty. She had all the guys crushing on her. I recently met up with a guy who never gave me the time of day when she was around. I always had a crush on him. I obviously did not even hit the "pretty" radar in his eyes back in the day, but NOW, he couldn't believe how much I'd changed, how amazing I looked. He pretty much was ready to start a serious relationship on the spot. Of course I wasn't interested then.
I met my current boyfriend, who is very good looking and fit, in a bar. I was about 150lbs when we met (somewhat slim). If I were heavier, I really don't think he would have been into me. I also think I would have exuberated less confidence.
Men are shallow.
But sometimes they also surprise you. Despite my dramatic weight gain from all the dinner and alcohol that was consumed in the beginning of our relationship (I basically went from eating nothing to eating everything), my boyfriend never said a negative word - in fact, he thought I was sexy the entire time. The weight gain never phased him like it did me. He couldn't care less - in fact, he still doesn't. He tries to support my loss because it is important to me, but he still says I don't need to change anything about myself.
While I agree with sontaikle, that you shouldn't let things hold you back, I still know that in my personal experience, I used these situations to motivate me to fill up on broccoli and salads at meal time and to go jogging in the morning. I did want to be the girl that got attention for looks when she was out (yes, superficial and narcissistic).
I know some people deal with having a larger body quite well, but I tend to feel trapped when my body is larger. Also, I do have a rather "pretty" face that seems to disappear when I am bigger - and that hurts. I don't feel as "authentic" if I am carrying around a bunch of weight.
This is just my personal experience. It is superficial at best - but if we can't be real with eachother on this forum, then we are wasting everyone's time.
But, as you are working on getting the body that fits who you feel you are, don't neglect your mind. Reading, learning, studying, writing, creating - as I get older I see how crucial these things are for a well-rounded feeling of contentness.
I think its all in the way you carry yourself, heavy or not.
Even when I was at my original starting weight of 209, I used to date guys (and thats when I met my husband). I believed, very truly, that I was sexy. Sexy comes from inside. Its your power as a woman.
I honestly thought I could use my charm, my wit, my brain, and my smile to "lure" in the guys I wanted. I didn't get every guy (especially the super duper hott ones...they were too self-absorbed to see past my size 16 jeans) but some great guys were genuinely interested.
I was heavy as a teen and dated more boys in high school than some skinny butt cheerleaders, because I believed in myself and carried myself as such...where those skinny chicks were really insecure.
If you look at the girls that are getting the guys you want, I promise its more than their looks attracting the guys. Its their charisma, their spunk, their confidence, their power. You can have that too, you just have to believe in yourself!
I totally agree. I just turned 23 and I weigh close to 300 lbs it wasnt until recently that I was like wth am I doing???? im not really looking for a guy at the moment. Im just working hard and going to school. But sometimes I wonder why Im still single. i think I have a good personality and have a pretty face. But im covered by fat. When I was 215 I loved the way I looked. Now I wish I went back there and stayed. I was never skinny but curvy. Now im using all the bad things to keep me motivated. We can do it girls!!!
Thanks for the support guys! The whole thing IS superficial DUH (in a perfect world we would be attracted to eachother for the character content, and maybe a little bit of apperance but this is the animal kingdom still) however all the above things I have said...although there are always exceptions...I wouldn't want a guy who was not in some sort of shape. Man boobs and a huge gut are generally turn offs, and I know that makes me a hypocrite, but at least I'm supposed to have boobs. Next thing is: I'm a beauty professional, I have grown up in the fashion industry of nyc and in my mother's salon. Every time I go out I am confident that my hair and makeup and dress is great. I AM a little shy, but I talk. All the men know who I am, it's not that I'm a wall flower, it's more that I'm a "bro" (has something to do with my personality yes...from my experience only, so don't jump down my throat...Most men hate a strong feminist type woman). The girls that I see land men are more ditsy scantily clad and certainly "outgoing" that is to say being more drunk, more giggly, more loud and hanging all over everyone (I guess that can be mistaken for coquettish) but that will NEVER be me, thin or fat I'm not a giggly person. And lastly: Summer 2010, I was 175...and just men were all over me...not really a difference in confidence level, I am who I am....I was probably less sure of who I was, a lot less social, and not used to going out. I know I am a really pretty girl and my body was bangin' back then, I was curvy in all the right places.
Whew....Sorry that was a litany, but that's what I have to say. Once again...Thanks for chatting with me chickies!
mescelestus,
That's pretty much how I am..pretty confident/talkative, but always seems to give off the "bro" vibe. I live in a rural area, where the country cheerleader queen rules, so I never dated in HS, and then I went to college in the same town-and had the same results. Not that I didn't want to, just most of the guys I was attracted to leaned towards to small spinner type, which I am not. I was the girl the guys hung out with and played videogames, drank, chilled, or whatever--but never got a glace my way. I have had those experiences online that Lindsay46 talked about.
I have been out dancing in big cities and that's where most of my emotional scars have come from--when I was younger and less heavy, I went to a party at a convention in a big city and was so happy to finally be able to try my club dancing skills. Then was even more excited when a guy decided to dance with me...I felt him leave and turned, then I saw and heard him talking to his friends, tell them they should try "that" and laughed. Like I was some toy or amusement...I was so horrified I left and haven't clubbed since.
For those of you who say its easy finding a guy using more confidence, guess its just the area or school you are in...(nyc for sure) has more pickings than a rural town where you can know lots of people since grammar school or have come from a similar place.
cfan - It's not easy, nor did I ever say it was. It's just not impossible. I'm sorry about your clubbing experience...and I've had similar experiences growing up (in middle school guys would tell me that their friends liked me to gross out their friends), especially when I was a teenager (and probably weighed something in the vicinity of 220-230). Like you I hung out with the guys, played video games (still do) but never got a glance. I remember telling one of my good friends that I had a crush on him and getting shot down. It sucks, it hurts and I always just wished I was thin.
There are guys out there who don't care, but unfortunately one needs to hunt a bit more to find them. They may not be the best looking or best in shape, but if they're a good person it shouldn't really matter. I dated men of varying sizes--skinny, fat, in between--because I fell for their personalities over their looks.
Growing up obese has been a humbling experience, I think. I find that I tend to judge a person based on his or her personality and appearance second because that's how I always wanted people to judge me.
It's hard to find a decent guy, but it's not always easy for thinner women either. Sure, they may get the good-looking men by just batting their eyelashes, but do all meaningful and successful relationships form that way? One night stands and hookups are different things entirely. I'd personally rather have a committed relationship over the attention of different men.
My fiancee is one of those "good guys." We started dating when I was 200 pounds. I brought up my weight several times in the relationship and he couldn't understand why I ever made an issue. He barely said anything about my weight loss (I wasn't doing it for him anyway, so I didn't care) other than things such as "It's easy to pick you up." When I recently brought up my fear that he would find me unattractive should I regain the weight, he looked at me as if I had three heads and laughed because he loves me for me, not what I weigh.
Even when I was at my starting weight his friends would curse him for finding a woman that is an avid gamer. They all still just want what we have--someone that cares for them and can share their hobbies. All of his friends really don't care what a girl weighs...they just want someone to share their lives with.
They are out there...it's just unfortunately a needle in a haystack thing.
mescelestus- I think I can relate to you... I love to go out with my friends but I am always so self conscious about how I look and it almost always breaks my heart when everyone around me is getting hit on but me....I feel like the weight has broken my self-esteem and it makes it very hard for me to be myself... however, I have actually used this as motivation to lose the weight...im not saying that im losing weight to get a boy to look at me/talk to me or w/e... but I do want to lose the weight to gain back my self esteem and show the great personality that I know I have...all in all I have come to the conclusion that if im not happy with myself I cant be happy with anyone else...
IMO the NYC bar scene SUCKS. I live in Manhattan and I feel like I've been to countless bars. For a couple years now I've been the "thin" girl but I still don't get ANY attention from guys. I know a lot of it is appearance but there's something else to it as well. Maybe exuding confidence? I'm definitely shy and I'm sure I don't come off as very confident. So my point is that I know it's frustrating but don't think it's all about looks. Plus you have to keep in mind that sometimes guys are just blind to what's happening around them and they are insecure as well. Girls who are all over them are the easy target, and they are more confident that they will "score" with those girls. The ones who are more of a challenge are intimidating and they run the risk of getting rejected!
cfan you got it spot on. sometimes it's where you live and the people around you that may make it hard to meet someone..sometimes there are just slim pickings
Emotional toll of being overweight in one's early 20's
can anyone sympathize?
