General chatter - Women constantly jealous?




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CherryQuinn
12-20-2011, 02:53 PM
I have this friend, my best friend actually, known her since high school. She was cool then but now that we are grown women (24 and she almost 25) i've found shes is extremly jealous of other women, including myself, to the point the things she says are insane and hurtful. She has never had a bf, the longest a guy has 'hung' out with her has been a couple weeks, i think this has played a part in her self esteem. Why else would she feel the need to put down other women all the time? For example shes always going on about how guys always want the skinny girls but the skinny girls are all fake because they wear corsets and shapewear and how she just wants to rip off their corsets and shapewear to show all the men that they are actually fat. I wear corsets and she says thats one of the only reasons i have a bf and she doesnt. she also goes off on push up bras and heels, and makeup. she has a few girls she constantly calls fake for their makeup , she recently said a friend of ours only has a bf cause she wears makeup on her eyes that makes her eyes change shape and size. i try to tell her makeup can only do so much, and that our friends are pretty and so is she but she wont here it. she has once went off about how me and my other friend 'steal' all the men because we are both of scandinavian descent and thats 'exotic' (white is exotic??). recently i aquired some extensions to put streaks of color in my hair and she is now talking about how she wants to pull all the 'plastic' hair off of girls heads to show their 'ugly' real short hair. i feel as though shes angry other girls put time into their appearence, i tell her she can do the same but if she doesnt want to dont be angry at the girls that like to do their hair and makeup and wear whatever clothes they want.

Sorry for the rant, but my point is I want to know if anyone else has a friend like this in their lives?


ArtyKay
12-20-2011, 02:58 PM
Wow...its amazing that she thinks any man would stay with any woman solely based on her wearing makeup or heels.

Honestly, I wouldn't be friends with somebody that negative and insecure.

mammasita
12-20-2011, 03:00 PM
Nope I don't and if I did, I would avoid that person like the plague. Your friend sounds miserable and unhappy.

Have you ever tried to reason with her or maybe help her do her makeup or pick out a nice outfit? Maybe she is criticizing because she doesn't know how to do her makeup or pick out flattering clothes.


CherryQuinn
12-20-2011, 03:09 PM
Nope I don't and if I did, I would avoid that person like the plague. Your friend sounds miserable and unhappy.

Have you ever tried to reason with her or maybe help her do her makeup or pick out a nice outfit? Maybe she is criticizing because she doesn't know how to do her makeup or pick out flattering clothes.

she has come to be for makeup, hair, clothes. ive taught her everything i know and even done her makeup for her , but then she says she doesn't feel its for her and i tell her thats cool be who you are but dont judge other women who want these things. she is really insecure i really think its cause shes never had a bf so she feels it has to be other ppls faults. its no ones fault she just hasnt come across a guy that works right with her, its getting really hard to still hang out with her cause i can only tolerate so much, lately im short tempered with her and i dont want to hurt her , i love her and shes my drummer in my band so that also complicates things alot. ive gone from seeing her everyday to seeing her twice or three times a month and emailing her all the music stuff she needs for the drums. i dont know how to get her off this view that its every other womans fault for 'stealing' men

sontaikle
12-20-2011, 03:11 PM
It's dangerous to generalize an entire group (women) based on the actions of one. Your friend is jealous of others, her gender doesn't really matter nor does.

Your friend just sounds like a bitter person. Best to cut such people out of your life to avoid the stress and aggravation.

cherrypie
12-20-2011, 03:15 PM
she has come to be for makeup, hair, clothes. ive taught her everything i know and even done her makeup for her , but then she says she doesn't feel its for her and i tell her thats cool be who you are but dont judge other women who want these things. she is really insecure i really think its cause shes never had a bf so she feels it has to be other ppls faults. its no ones fault she just hasnt come across a guy that works right with her, its getting really hard to still hang out with her cause i can only tolerate so much, lately im short tempered with her and i dont want to hurt her , i love her and shes my drummer in my band so that also complicates things alot. ive gone from seeing her everyday to seeing her twice or three times a month and emailing her all the music stuff she needs for the drums. i dont know how to get her off this view that its every other womans fault for 'stealing' men

that is so much easier to accept than you don't attract any men because you are bitter nasty and jealous.

CherryQuinn
12-20-2011, 03:16 PM
It's dangerous to generalize an entire group (women) based on the actions of one. Your friend is jealous of others, her gender doesn't really matter nor does.

Your friend just sounds like a bitter person. Best to cut such people out of your life to avoid the stress and aggravation.

i wasnt generalizing, just wondering if she is unique of if there are other ppl out there that know ppl that are jealous of others. since this is about looks based jealousy, i figured women against other women or men against other men even, i didnt think a woman would be jealous of a mans beard for example :P. basically its about those women that seem to always put down their fellow females, i know not all women are like this, shes the only one i know that is out of all the ones i know.

maybe i choose a bad title? i just didnt know what to call it. I guess women putting down fellow females would of been a better title.

ArtyKay
12-20-2011, 03:30 PM
that is so much easier to accept than you don't attract any men because you are bitter nasty and jealous.

This is exactly it. She's blaming her singleness on these silly physical things as an excuse not to take a good hard look at why she's REALLY alone. Have you ever told her to stop feeling sorry for herself?

That sounds mean, but sometimes people like this need a good hard reality check.

lissvarna
12-20-2011, 03:32 PM
I had a friend like that. She actually admitted to me that she liked me the most when my ex and I broke up because I was miserable and unhappy; she added that she really only likes people when she's happier than they are. I gave her lots of chances to be a good, genuine friend and she always failed.

She was extremely moody, jealous of me and almost everyone else we knew, but when she was in a good mood we had a lot in common and a lot of fun. That's why I didn't avoid or drop her as a friend. Just like you said you loved your friend, I loved mine too. In the end tho, she was never going to change. It's not that much different from being in an unhealthy romantic relationship; after that friendship was over it was very freeing for me. Of course, there was a LOT of drama as the friendship was coming to an end-- toxic people tend to bring that. But I'm really happy she's out of my life.

There's no easy way out of this friendship, but my advice would be to tell her what you think of some of her opinions and distance yourself from her. No need to be especially polite, IMO, or rude about it. Be frank with her so she understands how you feel about her jealousy.

DesertTabby
12-20-2011, 03:44 PM
She sounds pretty toxic.

There is a rule I follow when it comes to friends and lovers: they either drain you or nourish you.

Take stock of how you feel after you hang out with your friends, do you feel energized or drained/tired/moody? If its the former, keep them close, if its the latter its probably best to keep them as acquaintances that you see once a month.

Mimzzy
12-20-2011, 03:45 PM
She sounds like a insanely jealous and insecure person. The constant hating on everyone sounds like she is projecting her insecurities on others and making it about them when its really about her. Honestly, this is the kind of person I avoid having in my life. They cause more trouble then anything, however I know this is not always possible if you truly are close with them.

This may sound mean but has anyone tried some tough love? I have had to do this with a friend and it was not pleasant but in the end it did help our friendship. You don't have to be mean but explaining the reasons you feel the need to avoid her but give her the kick in the butt she needs to stop being so negative. Maybe even ask her why she feels the need to constantly drag people down with her? Maybe some deeper issues will come out into the open.

MariaMaria
12-20-2011, 03:52 PM
It's dangerous to generalize an entire group (women) based on the actions of one. Your friend is jealous of others, her gender doesn't really matter nor does.

Your friend just sounds like a bitter person. Best to cut such people out of your life to avoid the stress and aggravation.

Yes, this. All of it.

No need to conflate the entire sex with your friend. That's a cheap shot.

And when your thread title is about WOMEN, not people, you're asking about women, not people. You know?

krampus
12-20-2011, 04:32 PM
Wow, she's got issues...serious issues that only she can really deal with. How badly do you need her friendship in your life? Sounds like she tears you down in a big way and it's weighing heavily upon you...

Rainbowgirl
12-20-2011, 06:10 PM
I mean this truly seriously and not in any way flippantly so I don't mean to offend anyone with this remark but: is there any possibility that she maybe doesn't like guys? I mean.. is it possible that she may in fact be gay but hasn't really kind of figured it out? I know it sounds odd, but it does happen and that type of venom and anger ...I wonder if maybe she's transferring a lot of that to men when really she's secretly (maybe even to herself) upset that women don't like her?

In any event, it sounds like a toxic relationship and at best she has some serious self esteem issues and at worse possibly showing a bit of psychosis that should be addressed.

I would consider how much the friendship really means to you and balance it against how much frustration it's causing.

Best of luck.

L144S
12-20-2011, 07:05 PM
I think we have all come across people like this in our lives. I think you can just find other things to do with other people. She will never understand any explanation so you can save your energy and put it towards feeling good about you. I say just let this friendship fade. Let calls go, don't answer e mails or text right away hours days weeks..souround yourself with people and women that will be there for you. They are out there, they are amazing and they will lead you to be the best you, you can be.

Ciao
12-20-2011, 08:00 PM
http://i845.photobucket.com/albums/ab15/JeMappelleSierra/Pictures/clipart2-1.png

i used to have people in my life like that-
those who downgrade others to make themselves feel better
(mind you, these are mostly high school girls i'm talking about.)

i've learned two things: if they make you happy, keep them close.
if they don't, move on to new friends.

my "friends" were stuck in a rut with lack of self-confidence,
spitefulness, and immaturity. i quickly realized these were
not the people i wanted to associate myself with, and since
then i've lost many high school "friends" who aren't over the drama.

some were very close and that hurt a little. but i believe
today that pushing them away was the right thing to do.
it made me a better AND happier person.

don't put all your time and effort into someone who's
being spiteful. just something to think about.

http://i845.photobucket.com/albums/ab15/JeMappelleSierra/Pictures/clipart2.png

fatferretfanatic
12-20-2011, 08:45 PM
The person in question needs professional help, in my humble opinion. She's blaming everyone else for the way she really feels about herself, and she's damaging to be around it sounds like. It's sad, but she shouldn't subject others, and her closest to that kind of attitude and cruel insults because she is really insecure. Many people find that it is hard to change their outlook on people in that way because they have to realize that it's their problem and take ownership of it. If you are the one with the bad attitude, not everyone else with a problem, you can change that! That's a hard thing to do, but so worth it. I am sorry your friend doesn't see this.

Serval87
12-20-2011, 10:17 PM
I know how your friend feels a little. I'm a bit bitter, prone to jealousy (but not that extreme), and very insecure person. I try my hardest to be polite and nice to the few friends I do have, but I feel depressed a lot, and it just kind of shoves them away. Most of my friends have ended up ditching me, and It's very sad. I suggest you broach the subject delicately (at least at first), and see how that works out. There's probably a lot of depression under her jealousy and insecurities. You shouldn't just throw her away, because I'll bet most of her other "friends" have or will do that, and then she won't have anybody. Some people can't help feeling this way. Sometimes they need help "Bettering" themselves, and sometimes they also need to know that someone truly cares.

Thighs Be Gone
12-20-2011, 10:32 PM
If I came across anyone like that in my life, they wouldn't be in my life long. YOU need to ask YOURSELF why you are this person's friend. It sounds like she is toxic.

PrairieGirl
12-20-2011, 10:36 PM
I think we might have the same friend. A girlfriend of mine does the same types of things you're describing. She sabotages my weight loss efforts, constantly complains about how other people look, moans about how men are all *******s and doesn't take any responsibility for herself. She'll even say rude things about me in front of other people, for example one day at the beach with a group of friends she asked me how I managed to get so fat without having any stretch marks.

I've distanced myself from this person because I don't need any additional negativity in my life. Anyone who wants to make me feel worse can get behind me in line. I have my own battles to fight.

CherryQuinn
12-20-2011, 11:17 PM
Yes, this. All of it.

No need to conflate the entire sex with your friend. That's a cheap shot.

And when your thread title is about WOMEN, not people, you're asking about women, not people. You know?

ok i dont know if its my bad english but im not getting how ppl are confusing me saying 'women' with me saying 'all women'. i never said all women, im asking if any one knows other women that judge and put down and are jealous of other women, it coiuld easily apply to men against other men but because im a woman i obviously have more connection to the female side of this jealousy problem. i never said all women, the thread title does not say not all women, it says women, 'women' could refer to more than one as it is plural form of woman but does not mean all women inclusively. O.o theres even a question mark marking this as a question , im sorry if i confused or offended anyone, but i have stated what i meant by it already in the thread, my english isn't the best so i tend to simplify things such as titles but if you read what ive already stated in the thread to the first confused person you would see im not generalizing or lumping all women together


ive tried to change it so ppl don't get confused or what not but i dont know how, but my explanation should be enough.

Esofia
12-21-2011, 05:48 PM
I was wondering if she could be a closet case as well. The only women I've ever known who talk about ripping the underwear off other women are talking about wanting to have sex with other women. Either way, her possibly confused sexuality is not your problem. She's a highly negative person and sounds like a rotten friend. If you need to stay civil for the sake of the band, then I'd suggest cutting her off the next time she goes on one of her rants by saying something like, "I'm really fed up with hearing you make nasty remarks about other women." Or perhaps a lighter, jokier version, but you definitely need to make it clear that you will not listen to this any longer.

Thighs Be Gone
12-21-2011, 06:05 PM
I was wondering if she could be a closet case as well. The only women I've ever known who talk about ripping the underwear off other women are talking about wanting to have sex with other women. Either way, her possibly confused sexuality is not your problem. She's a highly negative person and sounds like a rotten friend. If you need to stay civil for the sake of the band, then I'd suggest cutting her off the next time she goes on one of her rants by saying something like, "I'm really fed up with hearing you make nasty remarks about other women." Or perhaps a lighter, jokier version, but you definitely need to make it clear that you will not listen to this any longer.

For the record I also thought the same thing--IMMEDIATELY.

Also, for the record--because 3FC is vastly, vastly women posters, I see nothing wrong with OP's intentions. I have also NEVER had a jealousy or resentment issue with a man regarding my appearance. So yeah, OP. I get it.

Arctic Mama
12-21-2011, 07:38 PM
This is exactly it. She's blaming her singleness on these silly physical things as an excuse not to take a good hard look at why she's REALLY alone. Have you ever told her to stop feeling sorry for herself?

That sounds mean, but sometimes people like this need a good hard reality check.

Exactly. I generally try to take the sweet, gentle road with people, but individuals like your friend not only make themselves miserable, but everyone around them. Toxic inside and out.

Tell her the truth - that what she says hurts your feeling and is offensive and that bitter, angry people aren't attractive no MATTER their looks, because it sounds like she needs to hear it. There's a lot of unattractive but blissfully happy, sweet people out there. And some gorgeous train wrecks who end up miserable and alone. Nobody is conspiring more against your friend's happiness than she is, herself.

Drummer or no, the kindest thing you can do for her is be honest. Faithful are the wounds of a friend - because you have known her forever and love her she should know, above most others, that you have her best interests in mind with your honesty. At this point, with a history like hers, either seperate from her or tell her the truth, for your sake!

CherryQuinn
12-21-2011, 07:55 PM
thanks guys. maybe thats exactly what i need to do. the next time she says something crazy ill confront her on it. as for her being in the closet, shes not so much in the closet as 'bi-curious' at least thats what she claims she is. i know a lot of guys shes persued in the past have told me they were turned off by her snide remarks about other girls and felt she needed to lighten up.

tiffany0809
12-21-2011, 08:07 PM
As others have said, toxic is definitely a good word for her.

But to answer your question, yes I've known women who are jealous like that. Although I don't know if it's so much jealousy as it insecurity, and they find it easier to drag people down to their level than to step things up for themselves. I can't say that I've never been that person. I've definitely had my insecurities and I've been jealous of friends. I don't think it's been as extreme as what you described, but I do think it's common.

Rainbowgirl
12-22-2011, 12:41 AM
thanks guys. maybe thats exactly what i need to do. the next time she says something crazy ill confront her on it. as for her being in the closet, shes not so much in the closet as 'bi-curious' at least thats what she claims she is. i know a lot of guys shes persued in the past have told me they were turned off by her snide remarks about other girls and felt she needed to lighten up.

For what it's worth, the girls I knew that were "bi-curious" were those in high school and were doing it mostly for shock value and to get guys. Once you hit your adulthood, it seems that those who are "bi-curious" are those who are confused, truly, about their sexual identity or those who are actually gay. Not saying that it means she's definitely gay, or definitely straight, but it sounds like she's definitely confused.

If she does know her sexual identity, then I'd say her comments are made from an extremely insecure individual that needs help; probably more help than you can offer.

Esofia
12-22-2011, 11:48 AM
Rainbowgirl - I'm not sure where bisexuals fit into your model, but I must say that I didn't come out as "bicurious", I came out as bisexual. And before I came out, I knew I was bisexual, I just kept quiet about it. Making horrible remarks about any gender was never part of it. I completely understand dithering over working out your sexual orientation, I did so myself, but I find "bicurious" to be an suspiciously flippant way of referring to it. I have known some people have an easier time of coming out than others, but no one ever found it to be a joke. And this flippancy can be plain old immaturity, but it can also arise from contempt for others or for yourself.

Rainbowgirl
12-28-2011, 10:06 PM
Rainbowgirl - I'm not sure where bisexuals fit into your model, but I must say that I didn't come out as "bicurious", I came out as bisexual. And before I came out, I knew I was bisexual, I just kept quiet about it. Making horrible remarks about any gender was never part of it. I completely understand dithering over working out your sexual orientation, I did so myself, but I find "bicurious" to be an suspiciously flippant way of referring to it. I have known some people have an easier time of coming out than others, but no one ever found it to be a joke. And this flippancy can be plain old immaturity, but it can also arise from contempt for others or for yourself.

I used quotations because that is what they called themselves when/where I was growing up. It got old really fast to hear x-number of girls throughout the day telling their crushes "I'm bi-curious" which was more-or-less code for "I'll have a 3-some if you'll like me." Many who continued to use the "bi-curious" comment after highschool, have in fact turned out to be (and this is from my limited experience with friends and certainly not a scientific fact) gay. A few were bisexual, others realize they were strictly heterosexual.

I pride myself on being one of the least judgmental people in regards to sexuality, so I'm a bit confused on how exactly to take your comments to me. I did not mean my post in any way to be flippant or immature. It was an explanation of what I have found to be the general case in my distinct experience and may or may not reflect what happens elsewhere.

caliyah
12-29-2011, 02:29 AM
I agree the OP's choice of title - From what I've seen I feel most guys can be competitive but not 'jealous' of one another in the same way many women can be of each other.