General chatter - Don't want another baby




View Full Version : Don't want another baby


sacha
12-15-2011, 09:50 AM
Well after almost 2 years of people telling me, "Oh, you'll change your mind!"... I haven't. I don't want another pregnancy and I don't want another baby. I love my toddler but I don't want to do the pregnancy-newborn/baby stage again. It was too hard for a variety of exceptional reasons. Can't do it.

I was pregnant a few months ago and lost the baby at 10 weeks (a subchorionic haematoma that detached). I hate to say this... but it doesn't upset me.

My husband is pressuring me at least once a week for another child. He can't accept "no". I am very open to adoption with a child that is a toddler or older. He says okay... if we have one more of our own.

What do I do? I have spoken to him over and over and over and we can't agree on this. I am the one who does all the work :?: He also refuses to believe that I had postnatal depression even though it was quite obvious to others.


bargoo
12-15-2011, 09:57 AM
It has only been a few months that you lost your baby. Remind your husband of this and tell him it is just too soon ro be making any plans for a new baby at this time. Whether or not you will change your mind is not the point, the point is to get your husband to quit pressuring you.

sacha
12-15-2011, 09:58 AM
Thanks. I admit I have felt this way since #1 was born. #2 was "planned" but I admit very reluctantly on my part.


ArtyKay
12-15-2011, 11:04 AM
:hug: That's tough.

I want to wait a bit to start trying to get pregnant again, I'm just not emotionally ready, and DH wants to get going right away as soon as we're able to (I'm still waiting for aunt flo before we can even start doing the no pants dance without protection.)...

Its just different for guys. Its not necessarily that they're insensitive, its just that...well, boys are dumb. :p Nobody knows what you want but you, and while I believe that decisions should be mutual in marriage, pregnancy is different.

Its your body and only you can know you know how you feel. Men only see the results of pregnancy, they can't possibly understand the experience so I know you're frustrated, but try to understand that if you guys aren't going to get pregnant again it may take him a while to come to terms with it. He needs to be understanding, but you should also try to be patient with him.

I would just ask him to put a pin in it for now if you guys can't agree.

krampus
12-15-2011, 01:35 PM
Huge hug to you sacha. That's really tough. I assume you've talked with him at length about why it was so hard for you? It really is your body, your choice. He will have to deal. It seems really messed up that he refuses to believe you had postnatal depression - has he read up on it at all or is he just being stubborn?

Lambiechop
12-15-2011, 02:44 PM
That's tough. After my son was born I was done. DH and I talked about it and he even scheduled a vasectomy. When the day came he told me he'd been thinking about it and really wanted another baby at some point. I was very hesitant to say the least. 1 1/2 years later we decided to try and I got pregnant the first attempt. I know in my heart I could have been content with one child but the joy my daughter has brought, not only to me, but to my husband and my son made it worth it to me. My children are best friends and they love being together. My decision could have deprived my son from that relationship. Thinking about that makes me sad.

Ultimately it's a decision only you and your husband can make. I wish you the best of luck.

djs06
12-15-2011, 03:09 PM
I'm sorry you're in such a tough situation. You're right, YOU do all the work, so your opinion obviously matters here! Have you tried explaining to him that if you do have another baby, you're not doing it because you want to, and that will be detrimental to your relationship with both him and the child? I think you're being perfectly reasonable by proposing the idea to adopt a slightly older child (not to mention very noble, because so many families only want newborns!) I am concerned that he refuses to acknowledge your depression as well. Does he refuse to talk about it, or does he outright deny that it was a reality?

sacha
12-15-2011, 03:26 PM
Thanks everyone. I *do* want my boy to have a sibling for sure (my husband is an only child and honestly thinks it's all rainbows & sunshine to have siblings) but it's the postnatal depression that scares me.

My son was born with a birth injury, he was very colicky, he only outgrew his acid reflux disease a few weeks ago (he's 18 months), I have no family here except his father (who expects newborns to be left in cribs to cry to sleep from day 1 - I am an attachment parenting mother), and it was just **** on earth plus the labour was horrific (3 full days, torn abdominal muscles, 4 hours pushing, birth injury).

My husband thinks that because I would have a C-section next time (to avoid the birth injury) that a newborn would be easy for us and that I won't have PND again. Maybe it will be - but what if it isn't? How can I function with postnatal depression with not one but TWO babies?? It was hard enough with one. He keeps thinking I'll just 'outgrow it'.

djs06
12-15-2011, 03:36 PM
One, I was an only child, and there were definitely times I wished I had a sibling (interestingly, it's been moreso now that I'm older) but really, it's not so bad. It will not be the end of the world to your child if he's an only!

Two, it sounds like he needs to be seriously educated about depression and the fact that you don't just 'get over it' or 'outgrow' it. Your husband should be sensitive to both your physical AND emotional health and understand that the two are often very intertwined.

I hope that you two can come to an understanding; I really feel for you.

Lambiechop
12-15-2011, 05:04 PM
I had horrible post partum depression after I had my daughter, my husband deployed when she was 3 months old, and my family lives on the east coast while I'm in WA. It sucked. A lot. I, however, had no previous experience with PPD and didn't get help when I should have. I was completely miserable and didn't connect with my daughter until I finally got help and was put on anti-depressants. After that things improved.

I think adoption is wonderful but it seems like an incredibly stressful, expensive, and uncertain undertaking to me. I'd love to adopt an older child but it scares me that those children have a lot of times been through so much. I've always wondered what it is like being an adopted child whose parents have biological children before or after their adoption. Do they resent the bio kids? Feel even more like an outsider? Things like that.

Before you had your first son did you think you wanted a bigger family? Was your husband under the impression that you'd have more than one child (biological or otherwise)?

Not trying to convince you one way or the other but these are all things I wish I would have thought about or other people would have brought to my attention.

sacha
12-15-2011, 05:29 PM
Thanks yes, we wanted 3-4 (and he still does) but I really didn't know what motherhood was really like!

theCandEs
12-15-2011, 05:34 PM
I completely understand this. My oldest was 3 and a half when I had my youngest. Oldest was colicky, had refux, screamed constantly. I had a horrible delivery, too. Post-partem depression that did not go away until he was about 9 months old. Ugh!

I did want another one, though. It worked out okay. I had a planned c-section. I took "happy pills" for the first months post-partem. I was a much better mommy this second time around. Knowing what to expect took away a lot of the horribleness of the first pregnancy and delivery, and infancy. I am the one who did most all of the work with mine, too. Let me tell you, it was so much better the second time around. Just saying....

jules1216
12-15-2011, 07:28 PM
My daughter has a almost four year old..she has been very clear about not wanting anpother child, but her husband and his family keep pressuring her. As much as I would love a granddaughter...I would never go there. It's her decision.

I also had a miscarriage after my second child...it took me years to get over it...

Hugs to you...

Arctic Mama
12-15-2011, 08:50 PM
Sacha, I had debilitating depression after my first - I didn't want to hold my own baby, it was so bad! And I didn't recognize it until it had passed, nobody said anything. So I had almost four months of not bonding with my daughter, resenting her, struggling daily to do the simplest things, etc. It was awful and very frightening to think I would be prone to it again in the future.


However -

With two other babies born since then, I can say my fears have been unfounded when it comes to suffering from that. I had not a hint of it after my second, and felt it coming on after my third so I could get treatment immediately and head it off in the first few days.

Now, I want as big a family as my husband and I can possibly stand, so I admit that I cannot understand the desire for only a single child, but I DO know many older couples who regret not having more children, I haven't met a single one who has expressed that they wish they'd had less. Just my .02

sacha
12-16-2011, 06:16 AM
Thank you ladies.

The logical part of me would be Michelle Duggar (well, half that), I would love to have a giant brood of 3-4 children, I really would. It's the fear that I will go through the PND again that scares me.

Esofia
12-16-2011, 06:48 AM
A friend of mine had severe PND with both her children. Whenever she gets broody for a third, her partner (a retired lecturer in medicine) reminds her that she really can't go through that again. (Also her partner is getting a bit old for another baby.) There are probably some stats around about the likelihood of getting PND with your second birth. I know that if you have PMDD, you're much higher risk for PND, it's a hormonal thing. Your first birth sounds as if it were literally traumatic, which will have been a factor in your developing PND; a non-traumatic birth would probably be less likely to cause PND, but of course there are so many factors.

Meanwhile, it's your body and your choice. Do you have a reliable method of contraception that is under your control rather than his?

ArtyKay
12-16-2011, 06:48 AM
If that's your biggest fear then maybe you should keep a more open mind to having more bio children? Like other posters have said, there are solutions, and you already know and have experienced it, so you could nip it in the bud, and would be much better prepared for everything next time around. I mean, if the big obstacle is something that can be prevented or helped, then is it really an obstacle?

I think the biggest issue here is that your husband doesn't take the PND seriously. If you can get him to fully understand it and be on your team, be there to fully support you, it may be worth giving having another baby a shot?


I think maybe, just my opinion, you should present this to your husband...that you're not willing to even think about having a bio child again until he shows some more support and understanding.

That being said, it IS your body and your decision. No woman should carry and give birth to a child that she doesn't really want...or has resentment towards.

bargoo
12-16-2011, 06:50 AM
Talk to your doctor about this. Brooke Shields , the actress had Post Partum Depression with her first child, much was written about it. She has had a second child and did not have it. Please talk to your doctor, let him know your fears.

Unna
12-16-2011, 08:14 AM
What a terrible dilemma.

Your husband's arguing that he was an only child and had it rough, thus he would have rather of had siblings - well, the grass is ALWAYS greener on the other side.

I was a bit of an only child and I had siblings - but my siblings were substantially older than I was, so I only remember living with them a short period of time before they moved out. You learn to adapt with or without them - the quality of your child's life will be good with or without siblings.

It is the same way with my boyfriend - his only sister moved out when he was quite young. Guess what? He didn't fall into depression because he was alone.... he made all the "brothers" he could ask for in kindergarten - they are still super - close, like real siblings, to this day.

I wish you the best.

kateleestar
12-16-2011, 08:59 AM
I was an only child, and the only time I ever felt that I truly wanted a sibling was when my mom died. I remember thinking how much easier it would (??) have been if I had someone with me who knew what I was going though, exactly. Other than that part of my life, I can't say that I really missed out on anything, and I think my parents and I were MUCH closer because there was no one else. I call my Dad every day, and I talked to them both daily before my mom passed on. We are almost friends now that I'm older... I wouldn't trade it for the world! :)

Now I do have to add that I'm the only "only child" I know. I never was that spoiled only child that everyone hates, as we were very poor due to my mothers legnthy illness, but thats another story for another day. My parents miscarried before they had me and were told, pretty much, if you tried again and failed, you'd have to adopt. I, thank god, lol, was born! yey. Anyways, I don't want you to base your decision on anything having to do with being worried about your kid being an only child. We all turn out pretty amazing! ;)

Also: My DH and I have already had the kid-talk. I have 2 cousins that are adopted and I completely think that those two kids, born to other people, were put on this earth for my Aunt and Uncle. They look like them, they have the same mannerisms... its almost odd. My aunt is tall and thin, so is their youngest. My uncle is tall and thick, so is their oldest. Its perfection, lol... The youngest was a "crack baby" if you will, and had to be weaned off of several un-spellable drugs before they could take him home.. They went through an agency... What I was saying before the pro-adoption story was that my H and I have already had the kid talk. We are having one and adopting one. We do not plan on going through an agency, because we a: dont have 30K laying around to buy a kid, lol, and b: I would rather save a kid from a life of foster care. We are planning on doing foster-to-adopt through our county. I figure it this way: Why should I put my body/mind though that stress more than once if I dont have too, when there are TONS of kids out there that need a good home and food and a roof over their heads! :D

Good luck on your decision. It's not easy... Also? Tell your husband when he can carry and birth the kid, he gets to make that decision! :lol:

:)

sacha
12-16-2011, 11:13 AM
Thank you. I would also like to foster & adopt. There are so many people sitting around to adopt a newborn, but I have a friend whose parents adopted a toddler born addicted to cocaine (mother prostitute, father was random customer), he is now a wonderful man, going to college and very productive. God knows on what street corner he would be on if he had been kept by his birth mother. I know I am a good mom, but my husband is a police officer and has very bad foster kid experiences and can't see past that (I also worked in policing but am not so jaded).

I saw my sister in law this morning and her 5 month old... ergh, it made me broody, but she is an exceptionally content baby too. Mine was Hellboy, we called him ;)

ArtyKay
12-17-2011, 01:53 AM
Thank you. I would also like to foster & adopt. There are so many people sitting around to adopt a newborn, but I have a friend whose parents adopted a toddler born addicted to cocaine (mother prostitute, father was random customer), he is now a wonderful man, going to college and very productive. God knows on what street corner he would be on if he had been kept by his birth mother. I know I am a good mom, but my husband is a police officer and has very bad foster kid experiences and can't see past that (I also worked in policing but am not so jaded).

I saw my sister in law this morning and her 5 month old... ergh, it made me broody, but she is an exceptionally content baby too. Mine was Hellboy, we called him ;)

There aren't enough people who want to adopt toddlers/younger children. But then, there aren't many people who are right for the job. It takesa very special family to take in an older child or toddler.

I have seen some foster/adopted children who have severe behavioral problems when I worked in daycare...but I've also seen them get better. If you're willing to put in the extra work and have unrelenting patience and unlimited love the kids generally DO get better. Its a long and winding road though. Years and years of hard HARD work. Major blood sweat and tears.

I think the main concern of most people who are looking into adopting an older kid is often the safety of their other children...most of the kids who were born addicted to some drug, or born into an abusive home are agressive, and I can understand why this would be a concern of your husband's. Add this aggressive nature to behavioral issues...You get a hyperactive, tantrum throwing kid who likes to hit and bite and kick. I've gotten bloody noses and bruises from kids like this, trying to keep them from attacking other kids.

I'm not trying to convince you not to adopt an older kid, NO NO NO! Nobody needs a good home more than these types of kids. I'm just saying that there is much more work and heartache and exhaustion in adopting a child like this than there is in having a baby. Its not just about being a good mom, you can be the best mom in the world and not be able to control the actions of a baby or toddler or kid. That doesn't make you a failure, and one difficult baby doesn't mean your next one will be.

Also...my older brother was VERY colicky. He also had acid reflux, and my mom had severe PND with him. He didn't stop crying, almost literally, until he was about 10 months old. My little brother and I were very content, happy babies who rarely cried and slept for long periods of time. Every baby's different.

Again, I'm not trying to pressure you one way or the other. In the end, you need to make the choice that is going to make YOU happy.

EZMONEY
12-17-2011, 07:04 AM
Prayers for you as you and your husband make this decision.

luckyme0510
12-17-2011, 11:50 AM
I don't want anymore either, my daughter is now 3. I actually loved the newborn stage and I'm having a harder time now. I just realized that I'm not a very good mom. I'm good at going through the motions, she's always clean and always fed and I snuggle her a lot but I'm not one of those super moms who does all the artsy stuff and reads to their kids all say and slaves over a stove. I feel like if I can't be that kind of mom than I probably shouldn't have anymore.

If you were not upset about your miscarriage then maybe that's a sign. Don't have more children if you don't want them, at the end of the day if you're the one doing all the work then it's your decision. My husband understands that, he was not on board in the beginning but I have been slowly shoving more responsibility with the childcare on him and voila! now he sees things my way.

Everyone has an opinion about it by the way, especially his family. At the end of the day they are not the ones carrying the child for 9 months, having a vaginal delivery or c/s (which in my opinion are equally horrendous in their own way), and they're not the ones up at night with a crying baby. They're not the ones paying your bills either. Sorry, I feel like I hijacked your thread but I am very passionate about the subject! Bringing a child into this world is a big deal, and if you don't want to nobody should coerce you into it including your husband.

theCandEs
12-17-2011, 02:05 PM
I don't want anymore either, my daughter is now 3. I actually loved the newborn stage and I'm having a harder time now. I just realized that I'm not a very good mom. I'm good at going through the motions, she's always clean and always fed and I snuggle her a lot but I'm not one of those super moms who does all the artsy stuff and reads to their kids all say and slaves over a stove. I feel like if I can't be that kind of mom than I probably shouldn't have anymore.

Oh, wow! This kind-of touched a nerve with me. I'm definitely not the artsy sort, and I don't read to my kids all day or anything, but I do consider myself to be a good mom! If those are your criteria for being a good mom, then I guess I have failed as well. It takes all sorts of people to make good moms and just because I'm not spending every waking minute entertaining my children does not make me a bad parent. They can entertain themselves! And maybe I didn't sit there teaching them their A,B,C's or whatnot, but that does not mean they are not smart or that I have failed them in some way. (They both make straight A's in school, btw). My kids are well-behaved, clean, and well-fed, plus, they are loved. If that is not enough, then that is just too bad.

As a side note, I do agree that if you don't want anymore children, then don't have them. It will just create resentment between the two of you if you do.

Esofia
12-17-2011, 04:57 PM
Clean, fed and well-snuggled sounds like good parenting to me.

124chicksinger
12-17-2011, 07:21 PM
I feel for you, I really do. I have 1 child, a daughter, and she is the love of our lives. She is 23 and very happily an "only". She is not selfish, to the contrary, she is a very generous caring loving human. I had a difficult pregnancy and delivery, and that is enough about that. I never wanted to get pregnant again, and when she was 2 I was caving into my own ideas of a perfect family and told my husband this was his opportunity to try for a boy. Not only did that dampen his libido, but he said....I'm going to stay away from you for 24 hours...and we'll talk about this tomorrow. So, tomorrow arrived and we had a heart to heart and he confessed he never wanted to "put you through that again" and that he was more than happy with his 1 and only child. We decided that was it and never looked back. Knowing that he felt that way certainly made it easier on me. Unfortunately, your husband doesn't seem to understand that pregnancy/delivery was no pic nic for you. Adopting sounds like a wonderful alternative and perhaps you, and maybe your doctor as well, could steer him into embracing that. Meanwhile, I don't know how you would feel going on the pill and not telling him because that is another issue entirely--but if he won't take no for an answer on the pregnancy, you could ensure it never happens. Tough love on that one, but it could be your way out of another pregnancy that scares the snot out of you. Tight hugs to you.

mystyblue85
12-17-2011, 09:06 PM
Sacha, i know how you feel. I had ppd with my first 2 babies (especially the 2nd, who was a surprise) and it was horrible. The pregnancies were fairly easy, my daughter's delivery went off without a hitch, my son's ended in a devastating emergency c section...i spent my entire 2nd pregnancy dreading having my son and i dont think i wanted him until his heart tracing was lost and I had to have the emergency c section. my heart bloomed then for him, but I still had ppd. I dont have to describe the horror of ppd to you, because you know. When I got pregnant with my 3rd child, me and hubby were having a hard time with our marriage and talking about divorce. I spent 95% of the pregnancy confined to a bed, many trips to the hospital for pre term labor, had to get the beta shots for lung development, had gestational diabetes and pregnancy induced hypertension, had my ob tell me that the bay was going to come early and i should be prepared to have a very sick baby who will spend a lot of time in the nicu...i was stressed and crying and horrible the whole pregnancy, my son Jaxon was born 4 weeks early, perfectly healthy and breathing on his own, smiling at me within hours of birth...he spent 3 days in nicu for observation and he came home with me. I had no PPD whatsoever. he is my hearts joy, my husbands joy and his big brother and sister love him tremendously. we feel like the perfect family and I told my husband i was never going to get pregnant again, because after the ordeal with Jaxon, i never wanted another baby to inhabit my womb (my exact words, quoted, lol) and he said ok and i scheduled a tubal ligation, but he asked me at the last minute to cancel because "we" might want more children later. I told him "we" actually meant "he" and we could adopt a child, but no more children are coming out of my body. we almost fight over it. he doesnt want me pregnant right now, but i dont want to be pregnant again. ever. never ever.
Its a hard conversation and sometimes i think having another baby would be awesome, but only if I didnt have to be pregnant to get one. He tries to understand, but I know he doesnt. he just keeps saying that the pregnany might be easy like it was with the 1st 2. and i tell him i had two easy pregnancies with 2 horrible ppd sessions and a horrible pregnancy with no ppd, and i cant choose between the two.
im sorry im so long winded, but Im saying all this to say that i know how you feel and im sorry youre going through this and it will get better because a compromise must be reached. maybe you could show him adoption websites or have him exposed to a family with an adopted child. or maybe show him some articles about ppd and the likelihood of it recurring. and just keep talking about it. communication is key.
****hugs*****

zenor77
12-18-2011, 01:01 AM
Only you and your husband can make this decision. You both need to agree though. If you are reluctant, don't do it just to please your husband.

It's tough that he doesn't understand postpartum depression. I completely understand your fears. That was my biggest fear when I had my son. I know this sounds gross, but I had my placenta made into capsules to stave off PPD (cooked, dried, powdered and capsuled.) There isn't a lot of research, but what has been done shows that this helps significantly. Do they allow this in Canada? I believe, taking the capsules was the only reason I didn't sink into deep depression. If you do decide for another, it may be something to consider.

BTW, we do attachment parenting too. My son is almost 15 months and I had to severely adjust my diet or he'd show signs of colic. So, I understand not wanting to go through that stage again. It's tough. My DH wants another and I'm unsure, since it's just now getting easier to take care of DS. I love him dearly and it's totally worth it. If we go for #2, it won't be for a couple years though. I can't make that decision yet.

Good luck!