General chatter - When do you throw in the towel in terms of flirting with a man &not getting results?




FreeBird3
12-15-2011, 12:26 AM
This thread is off a tangent from the thread "How often are healthy-weight men interested in you?" (great thread btw...lots of good advice and observations). A poster wrote that we, as women, give off signals in order for men to ask us out on a date if we send them positive signals (i.e. smile and eye contact).

My question is...when do you throw in the towel from all the initial signals? I naturally smile and make eye contact with eveyone, so perhaps that's why some men don't read too much into me smiling and making eye contact. I live in the Pacific Northwest and I've been told that men, in general, over here take longer to approach a woman compared to east coast men who tend to be more assertive.

At any rate, there is a particular man that I have my eyes set on and I believe I have given him more than enough signals to let him know that I'm definitely interested in him (i.e. smile, eye contact, a bit of wit, and even going as far as to say "What would I do without you?" in a fun/flirty tone of voice when he noticed a mistake in an email I sent and called me up about it). He has smiled back and sometimes I feel like he looks at me a second longer than any other person would (or perahps that wishful thinking on my part), so I do sometimes feel like he is interested in me. However, he hasn't made a move at all. I'm 99.99% sure he is single and I admit that I have a little crush on him. Aside from being blunt by telling him that I have a crush on him, there is nothing more that I can do/say that would be appropriate without looking creepy/psycho.

So when DO you throw in the towel when it comes to flirting with a man without him asking you out? I apologize for asking such a "high school girl" type question. I haven't had much dating experience due to poor self esteem and weight issues; therefore, I'm not the typical 30-something woman who has a lot of experience with dating in general.


ArtyKay
12-15-2011, 02:49 AM
Ask him out! Some guys are just shy...its not regional, it varies from man to man. He may suck at reading signals, too. Just ask him out if you like him and he hasn't made a move.

If he says no, thats when I would throw in the towel.

Unna
12-15-2011, 03:30 AM
I agree with ArtyKay. Some men really are bad at picking up signals, so I wouldn't rely on them.


sacha
12-15-2011, 06:06 AM
Ask him out for coffee. Believe me, men are so rarely approached, I'm sure it will be met with flattery rather than 'creepy' or psycho.

PS I am originally from the northwest too (British Columbia) and yes, men over there don't seem to be as assertive as here! Seattle boys were shy (until they knew I was Canadian LOL) but just go for a coffee! Good luck!

bargoo
12-15-2011, 06:42 AM
On the other hand he may just not be interested in you. That is not a personal insult, it is just the way it is in many cases.

sontaikle
12-15-2011, 08:11 AM
You can ask him out. No seriously you can. It's 2011, GO FOR IT. He may be bad at picking up signals or he may not be interested. You can't know unless you take that plunge.

I've asked guys out before because I got tired of waiting around for them. When my fiancee and I were in the "hanging out" stage I was going to ask him because I was tired of waiting but then he beat me to it :joker: Although he didn't ask me anything, he just kissed me. Then we both pretty much said "cool, we're going out." We're strange, don't look at me like that! :dizzy:

Riestrella
12-15-2011, 08:42 AM
Women can most definitely take the initiative! All you need to say is "Do you want to go to ___ some time with me?" and see how he responds. If he's like yeah, sure, awesome then success! If he avoids it or dodges the question then assume that he's not interested. But if there has been flirting, you're both single, then just go for it!

Thighs Be Gone
12-15-2011, 08:43 AM
I completely agree with asking him for a coffee. It would be best if you could somehow work it in casually--like when you are both leaving the building or something. If you need a date for a party or small gathering you could also ask him to go along so you aren't alone. Either way would be a good ploy to spend some time with him and take it the next level.

Esofia
12-15-2011, 10:12 AM
Another vote for asking him out! I've been quite happy to ask people out since my teens. Asking him out for coffee is a good one, it's relatively low-key and it can turn to friendship or romance depending on how it works out.

InsideMe
12-15-2011, 10:46 AM
Me too! I say ask him out! Something casual, like hey do you wanna grab a coffe? Honestly, you like him, he might just be shy and hey, you'll never know if you don't try. If he says yes then great, if he says no, they you aren't any worse off then where you started right? Tell us what happens if you decide to ask him out :)

ArtyKay
12-15-2011, 10:56 AM
You can ask him out. No seriously you can. It's 2011, GO FOR IT. He may be bad at picking up signals or he may not be interested. You can't know unless you take that plunge.

I've asked guys out before because I got tired of waiting around for them. When my fiancee and I were in the "hanging out" stage I was going to ask him because I was tired of waiting but then he beat me to it :joker: Although he didn't ask me anything, he just kissed me. Then we both pretty much said "cool, we're going out." We're strange, don't look at me like that! :dizzy:

Awww, that sounds like my hubby. We were both crushing on each other for about a year before we ever started dating...but the timing never worked out. He was in a relationship, then I was in one. One day he asked me about my relationship after we hadn't seen eachother in a while, and when I answered "He's not my boyfriend anymore", he just got really quiet. A few minutes later he said "I could be your boyfriend." really quietly, and the rest is history. :D

mammasita
12-15-2011, 11:16 AM
Agreed. Ask him out. My approach has always been to get some friends together for happy hour and then ask the guy to join. Less pressure then a one on one and you'll have a better opportunity to feel him out and then perhaps suggest a one on one date.

krampus
12-15-2011, 01:36 PM
Throw in another vote for "ask him out." That way you know you did everything in your power to let him know you're interested!

PreciousMissy
12-15-2011, 06:32 PM
I just gave my friend the same advice. She was flirting with a guy, wanted to go out but he didn't ask, so I told her to ask. Unfortunately it didn't work out (apparently he just liked the attention to boost his ego, or something) but at least she asked rather than waiting around.

I like the idea of asking him to a group situation. If he spends all his time focused on you then you know he's interested. If he spends all of his time flirting with another girl then he's not the one for you (happened to another friend).

ArtyKay
12-16-2011, 04:04 AM
I like the idea of asking him to a group situation. If he spends all his time focused on you then you know he's interested. If he spends all of his time flirting with another girl then he's not the one for you (happened to another friend).

I like the group idea too. It takes a lot of the pressure off and its a little less scary than asking for a one-on-one situation.

Of course, if you're inviting him to a group gathering or something that makes it to where there's a specific day and time....he may turn the invitation down because he already has plans and that would probably make it harder or more stressful to ask him out a second time, even if he wasn't turning you down out of disinterest but unavailability. You'd be questioning whether he was really busy, or if he was just being polite.

Sooo...group situation would be more comfortable for you, and give you a good oppurtunity to scope him out more, but it may not give you a real answer as to whether he's interested in you or not.

Giving an open ended invite for coffee or drinks may be a better indicator of what he's feeling.

Just depends on what you want.

Chubbykins
12-19-2011, 09:01 AM
There is no law for men to be the ones to do the asking.
It is perfectly fine to call him or facebook him and just ask him out for a drink or something funny like a roadtrip or a movie. :)
If you have a few friendly dates alone together you'll surely find out if there is chemistry

98DaysOfSummer
12-19-2011, 08:46 PM
Since you asked where our personal line is, I will be honest - for me, I won't ask a guy out. Of course, I'm married now so it's kind of beside the point but for me, if a guy isn't interested enough to ask me out, he's just not interested enough period.

First, I don't want to be the one making all the moves. Nothing against shy people, but I want a guy to be interested enough to ask me for coffee, you know? Second, I don't want to be that girl chasing some guy who isn't into me so I would spend a LOT of time being all angsty - did he say yes to be nice? Did he say no because he's busy? Should I ask again? Now that I've made the first move, is he going to expect me to make all of them? If he doesn't call, is it because he's not interested or because he expects me to because I did the first time. I would wear myself out (and bore my friends to tears).

There is nothing wrong with women asking men out and you should ABSOLUTELY do what you're comfortable with. All the best to you.

astrophe
12-19-2011, 10:17 PM
So when DO you throw in the towel when it comes to flirting with a man without him asking you out?

Well, I used to wait in high school and not get much result. Frustrating.

In college, I just started doing the asking. I still got asked out, but with me ALSO asking others too, I was going out with more people more often. Since I wanted to be out meeting new people this was fine and dandy with me!

It's only a date, not a marriage proposal. Saying something like "How about a coffee date sometime?" isn't a biggie.

And if they say yes, great, on to coffee! If not then I can move on and not be left wondering. So that's progress too.


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