Weight Loss Support - Errrgg!!!!!

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12-14-2011, 10:38 PM
I have removed this post

January Snow
12-14-2011, 11:25 PM
Could it be possible that your boyfriend, perhaps subconsciously, wants you to stay heavier? Some people are very insecure and don't want you to look or feel better because then you might leave them. Your boyfriend doesn't sound terribly supportive. Is he unsupportive or dismissive in other ways?

12-14-2011, 11:44 PM
I'm sorry that you and your BF are on different wavelengths about your weight loss.

Remember, for men weight loss is often very different than it is for women. My dad gained a bit of weight last year, realized he needed to lose, so he stopped eating as much. He dropped 20 lbs fairly quickly and painlessly.

He mentioned how simple the process was ("I just cut out desserts and second servings.") and told me he didn't really understand why there's a whole billion dollar diet industry around something so simple.

I reminded him that for women there is a whole lot more involved emotionally and physically. Weight loss is very different for men than for women. It's a lot more complicated for women.

Maybe communicating a bit more with your boyfriend about the process, your mentality and struggles, why you want to lose the weight, and how much happier you'll be at a lower, healthier weight. Help him understand what you need to succeed and how grateful you'll be if he was on your team.

Perhaps once he sees how important this is to you and how committed you are he'll be more on board with helping you reach your goals. Likely he's not trying to be unsupportive or subconsciously undermining your weight loss goals. Losing weight is just a very, very different process for men and he hasn't yet seen what it entails for you.

12-15-2011, 09:32 AM
Oooh, honey -- I'm sorry. I know that must have stung. But hey, you should use those words to prove him wrong!! :) How about this... maybe you can say to him, "Hey, I hear what you are saying but it hurt my feelings that you don't have faith that this time I really want to get healthy so how about if I lose 10 pounds then you can buy me that gift I asked for?". Maybe a compromise of sorts? It can be used as both a birthday gift and a nice reward for having lost those 10 pounds....or whatever # you decide on?

Or you can ask him to give you a Visa gift card and you can go buy it yourself! :D

12-15-2011, 09:45 AM
I'm sure you love him & he's your son's father so I will assume the best.

Chances are that he just doesn't understand how hard it is for you and that you are serious about doing this. I know, back before I gained all my weight (once upon a time... 10 years ago), weight loss was obvious to me: "Duh, just don't eat as much!" <insert eye roll for anyone who said it was hard>. That's a normal reaction from people who don't struggle with their weight (or at least don't realize they have a problem if they do).

So stick with your support person that you have, and don't tell him what you're doing - just 'show' him. When he sees that you are serious, dedicated, and that you are sticking to a plan with results, he may change his tune.

Is it too much to ask? Well, I will say that it may be too much to expect him to "understand" especially if this is not what you've always been like. When a partner changes a part of their lifestyle dramatically it can be very difficult to deal with. Give him time to adjust.

As for your birthday, how much is the watch? Maybe a gift certificate to a certain place in the same amount??

12-15-2011, 09:58 AM
My husband always tends to oversimplify the process, too. I don't know if your bf has a weight problem, but if he doesn't, that may be why he doesn't understand. My husband has never had a weight problem, so he cannot understand why others just don't "eat half of what they normally eat" to lose. He even eschews exercise, thinking that it's silly to pay others (i.e., the gym) to physically exert yourself. The thing is, most people who do not have a weight problem do not understand that many of those of us who do are somewhat obsessed with food, so it isn't that easy just "to cut back."

I just ignore it and do what I know works for me. As for him getting you the gift, I would remind him that gift-giving involves thinking about what would make the receiver happy. If he doesn't get you what you want, treat yourself to it anyway for your b-day.

12-15-2011, 10:42 AM
I just don't think he cares. I don't think its a bad thing - he is satisfied with you exactly as you are. I tell all my problems and weight loss thoughts to the lovely people on this website - I generally leave my boyfriend out of it. Although he is my little fitness buddy when it comes to jogging. If your boyfriend likes exercising or weight lifting, maybe he can help you out and you guys can support eachother in that way.

I also have noticed my boyfriend (who is slim) can gain 15 lbs over the course of 6 months and then lose it all in one week. He often goes out of town for business projects - he gets so wrapped up in the project he forgets to eat. He comes home, 7 days later, super fit and trim. It really irks me.

One more thing - your story reminds me a bit of an experience I just had with my boyfriend. I told him I wanted a super-fancy digital scale that measures water, fat, everything, with top-accuracy for X-mas. He was like "NO WAY - can you even imagine the hard time I would get from EVERYONE, probably even eventually including you, if I bought you a scale for X-mas!!"

So, your boyfriend may also just be a bit wiser and realize that sort of gift could be bad news later!

12-15-2011, 10:56 AM
That watch you are talking about is several hundred dollars for an accurate one - seems like a lot to ask for. Why not have him reward you with $$$ for pounds lost and save up for it.

Lori Bell
12-15-2011, 11:18 AM
Oh heck...I agree with your boyfriend. You don't really need some fancy gadgit to lose weight, and you really do just need to eat less. Sounds so mean, (and please know that I am not trying to sound mean in any way), but it's so darn true. Save those bucks and spend it on an awesome new outfit after you drop a few sizes.

The way I see it...(and the way I did it) was to eat less move more. Yeah, it was HARD, it sucked and was pretty painful at times, but I never spent a dime to do it. I didn't spend money on a gym, or a body bugg, or pills, or a program or any of that stuff. I did it the good old free way and I truly think that 99% of all overweight people can do it that way too!

Beach Patrol
12-15-2011, 01:14 PM
I don't "agree" with your boyfriend because I think all men should buy gifts for their special lady that the lady actually WANTS - regardless of the reasoning behind it. ;)

But I DO AGREE with Lori Bell:
You don't really need some fancy gadgit to lose weight, and you really do just need to eat less. Sounds so mean, (and please know that I am not trying to sound mean in any way), but it's so darn true. Save those bucks and spend it on an awesome new outfit after you drop a few sizes.

The way I see it...(and the way I did it) was to eat less move more.

That's the basics of weight loss, no matter what "method" you choose to "eat less" or how you manage to "move more" - it's all about creating a calorie deficit.

Easy? Nope. Simple? Yup.

Good luck! - YOU. CAN. DO. THIS!!!! :hug:

12-15-2011, 01:39 PM
I agree that weight loss can be as simple as eat less, exercise more but sometimes it helps to have tools. I just bought a scale that measures body fat percentage too and I find it helpful, so it was worth the $50 I paid for it. I use Lose It to track calories and would gladly pay a monthly fee for that to do the math for me (it's free, for now). And I've spent $500 on home exercise equipment that I use every day. So tools can be worth the price, if you use them.

12-15-2011, 03:07 PM
Unfortunately, men are not as sensitive to weight loss as we would like them to be. I would kill for my boyfriend to understand and be sensitive to all my frustrations, but even when I do complain he stares at me blankly. He has NO idea why I get to upset.

For example: The scale was going up, but I was working out harder and it was discouraging to see. When I explain this to me all he said was "Yeah, that sucks. Want a chocolate bar?" WHAT!? I was just complaining about the scale and he is offering me empty calories?

I think men tend to make it simpler then women do, To them it really is, eat less and move more. They don't usually involve things like, counting calories, watching nutritional facts, fad diets, pills, awesome little gadgets. They also don't understand why we feel the need to have all those things, well... my boyfriend doesn't anyway. All he think I need are a nice pair of shoes for running, and even with those he doesn't understand why I can't go to sport check and pick up any shoe they have in the running section. Over-pronation, under-pronation, stability, cushion all these mean absolutely nothing to me. He believes that our body instinctively can run on it own without all those fancy terms and shoes. No amount of convincing on my part will help either. I had to learn that it won't change and he will never be that sensitive weight loss partner that I want. I had to put an end to most of my weight loss chatter because his stupid comments would send me into an angry frenzy most of the time.

I do not agree with your boyfriend completely disregarding something you have specifically asked for. Regardless of the reason you want it, I think people in relationships should listen to what each other actually wants. I don't know about you but my boyfriend has asked for some pretty stupid things over the years but they are stupid to ME not to HIM. Maybe try explaining that concept?

12-15-2011, 08:15 PM
I agree that you don't need the fancy watch to lose weight.

My brother has a Garmin for running and it's cool when I run with him to know about our pace, finish time, distance, calories, etc...but I do just fine with measuring my routes using mapmyrun.com and timing using my ipod's stopwatch. If you have the watch you'll be constantly watching the numbers instead of enjoying the activity.

12-15-2011, 08:30 PM
If the item is pretty expensive I see why he'd say such a thing, but saying it that way was not very good. Men sometimes can't think before words hit their mouth. It's an epidemic. :)

12-15-2011, 08:54 PM
I can think of at least a dozen things that I would find more helpful to me than one of these gadgets, but that's not really the point, is it?

I don't know your budget, or your or your BF's views on gift-giving (whether birthdays are for "needed" items or for "extravagances" you wouldn't buy for yourself), but he didn't ask you what you needed, he asked you what you WANTED.

Now gift-givers should (in my opinion) have a choice in the gift they give - so he could have said "I'm not comfortable buying you something that I don't think you'll use, is there anything else you want?"

And you could have then said, "no," or "yes, how about.....?"

If you had asked for a special piece of jewelry that you would only wear once or twice a year, would he have gotten this angry?

I agree that men are often very literal minded and don't "get" emotion-based logic, but that doesn't mean they can't be taught, and he's using some emotional-logic himself if he didn't just say "no" he got angry and "parental" about it.

My fibromyalgia during severe flares actually causes cognitive impairment, to the point that I sometimes can't think very well, and I have poor impulse-control. My husband actually sometimes feels he has to say "no" to things I want when I'm in this state-of-mind. We had a lot of arguments until he learned to treat me as an adult with cognitive impairment as opposed to a child he had to take care of.

For example, sometimes I get severe "puppy envy," when friends and family talk about their cute little dogs. We also have an old, fat cat who is TERRIFIED of all other animals. And there are so many other reasons that having a dog is a very bad idea right now (the main being my husband and I are BOTH disabled and don't really have the energy to take care of a pet that's any higher-maintenance than the one we have).

My husband has learned to listen to me talk about dogs without discouraging me (in other words, wait until I ask for a dog before telling me all the reasons we can't have one), but if I do start talking about wanting a dog (as I did a few days ago) - he does remind me (but gently) of all the reasons a dog isn't practical.

I have a lot of ideas even crazier than wanting a dog, and my husband has learned to listen to those ideas in the same way. He doesn't always know when to listen and nod, and when to start listing all the downsides to my wild ideas, but we're both getting better at it.

I've also had to learn to communitcate a litte differently, because I can't use my husband as a sounding board if I don't want his honest and candid opinions (because he can't give any other kind - and when he's tried, I can tell and that TICKS me off just as much or more).

I can see your BF's point, but only because I can usually see both sides of almost any argument (except sometimes for a few minutes during one I'm in the middle of).

If these kinds of arguments (where you want someting and your BF angrily vetoes it without discussing it) are frequent in your relationship, I'd highly recommend counseling.

I really don't have any ideas for resolving this issue with your BF, but the one thing I would suggest, is to avoid getting into an argument over who had a right - or had the greater right to be angry. That never works.

12-16-2011, 11:38 AM
Okay so the watch has been compared to some of the top ones and this one is only $30. I feel that $30 is not to much to ask for since he can spend twice that much on a video game and not think twice about it. And i would buy it for myself but i can because i am a stay at home mom, this is how it has been since i had my son 16 months ago, he would rather me stay home and i love being home with him. So what i am saying is he would have to be the one who gets if for me. I dont ever ask for anything, other than to buy food when we need it but that is not a want it is a need. **** I didnt even ask for a hair cut for a year. And you know i know some of you say that i dont need thing like that or whatever, it is not that i need it i want it i feel it would help me.

12-16-2011, 12:47 PM
$30!? Geez that's really nothing for a birthday gift for your girlfriend :( And yeah, no kidding if he will buy a video game 2x that.

Did you tell him these things? What does he say? Have you told him that you need his support and that he's hurting your feelings??

12-16-2011, 01:13 PM
yeah i have tried to tell him i need and want his support while i am doing this. I also told him that I need to workout to keep from going crazy. Then today i told him that i have lost 2.2 lbs and 15.5 inches all over in the last 5 days and it was like he didn't really care much, I have known since i got with him that he is not a very emotional time guy and all that but i would have liked a little excitement or a i am happy for you. I dont know if he thinks i am going to give up or something. But I have been reading this book called Are you ready by bob harper it has really helped me get a handle on everything.

12-16-2011, 02:50 PM
Sometimes men don't want you to succeed in losing weight because it makes them feel threatened in that you might expect them to lose weight or that you want to lose weight so that you'll be more attractive to other men.

I think some men don't even realize that this is why they're unsupportive.

12-16-2011, 03:27 PM
IMO, since you asked right! :lol:
Do this for yourself or not at all, no matter if your bf is behind you or not.
My DH couldn't care less if I were overweight or not (however, he has not correlated my moods with being overweight, yet!)
Second, I agree w/LoriBell in that you don't need all the fancy gadgets to lose weight.
HOWEVER, I am a Type A personality and I HAVE to know. I use a digital scale for measuring food and a separate one to measure body weight.
I use My Fitness Pal to log food and activity.
I use an old Garmin to measure the pace when I run.
And I use a Polar FT40 (http://www.heartratemonitorsusa.com/polar-ft40-woman-black.html) (which I LOVE) when I exercise. I included a link and highly recommend this site to anyone who is in the market for a Polar!
It really changed the way I exercised & proved what I knew to be true in that my treadmill #s were WRONG. I thought I was burning more than I actually was!

Best of luck to you with your fitness goals! :)

12-16-2011, 07:59 PM
I think the much bigger issue here is that you seem to have absolutely no financial indepence, and your BF is in complete control of the family income.

It sounds like both you and your BF see his income as "his money," rather than your money together. Unfortunately, depending on which state you live in, and how long you've been together, the law may agree unless you're married.

You don't have to have a job outside the home to have financial independence, but you do need your BF's cooperation. He has to also see that you have as much right to discretionary income as he does.

If you can't come to an agreement you both feel is fair, I'd highly recommend couples counseling.

My husband and I faced a similar issue recently - I didn't drive and rarely left the house alone. While I've always had access to the family money, to spend money without my husband's permission, I had to do it online (and because he took care of the bills, he'd see the online payment and would ask me what I had bought). As a result, I couldn't buy anything without my husband noticing, and asking about it, which made buying him a birthday or anniversary present rather difficult. In order to surprise him, I would have to buy his gift at the very last minute online, and would wrap a print-out of the gift.

I got tired of being unable to spend a cent without my husband's input or commentary, so we set up a bank account that I am in complete control of. We agreed on an amount that would be deposited into that account every month from our main account.

Emerald Eyes
12-16-2011, 11:55 PM
My husband is very supportive.

However, whenever I'd get all worked up about eating better or losing weight, he never shared my enthusiasm....and he ALWAYS supports me. I found this odd, so I just asked him one night.
He told me that it was hard for him to act supportive and to encourage me when I'd done the same thing over and over and never made any kind of change. I'd "try" for 2 or 3 weeks, so no results, and stop. He was right.

Once I actually DID make a change, and he could see me trying regardless of situations that came up that would make it easy to quit, he has been amazing.

Now, I'm 10.5lbs down and not a day goes by where he doesn't mention something about how well I'm doing. He even dug out his old 10lb bowling ball from middle school to show me how much weight I lost... :D

Could it be that your BF just needs you to SHOW him that you're truly willing to do something? You don't NEED his support (althought it's nice to have) to do it. For me, showing my husband that I actually COULD do it was part of my drive.

as far as the money thing...yeah, it isn't healthy for either of you to look at the money as "his". Your job is to stay at home and take care of your child...that's what he wants you to do as well....but that doesn't mean he should be the only one that ever gets to spend any money. You should both have a say.

12-17-2011, 05:07 AM
My husband doesn't get all "Woohoo, go you!" when I start on a weight loss mission. Why? Because I've bounced up and down a 50 lb range in the 4 years we've been together.

I asked for an ellyptical once, and he shot me down. He said "You can exercise for free! I can really only see you using this a few times..." And by ask, I meant I consulted him before buying it. And he was right, I wouldn't have used it. I'm going to make my goal to exercise at a gym 3x a week before I buy it.

He doesn't want to invest enthusiasm or money into something I've never kept up with, and I don't blame him. It gets a bit like a broken record after a certain point...."I'm going to lose weight!" then I gain it all back. "I'm going to REALLY do it this time!" Gain it all back PLUS more!

This time around, I haven't mentioned anything to him except that I'm counting calories. End of story, not saying another word until I've lost a lot more weight than this.

As far as the money situation...No. Not right. Now I've heard about situations where a couple having separate money works, but only when both parties are making an income. You're doing a full time job at home, that doesn't mean you should suffer.

I don't want to jump to conclusions because I don't know your full situation, and he could very well be a great guy....but to me this sounds like an abusive situation when you couple his comment with the money situation.

In not giving you control of any money, he is controlling you THROUGH money. You're not a child, you're an adult and you are his EQUAL. You shouldn't have to ask your husband for money every time you need to grocery shop, and you shouldn't be scared to ask for a haircut! You should have money available to do whatever you want (responsibly, of course.).

If you feel like his comment was a flat out refusal of something that isn't a lot to ask for, and if you feel like he wants to keep you overweight...do you feel like he is trying to control your weight?

I'm not saying this is the situation at all, just a thought. Control is abuse, and this kind of abuse does manifest in: Controlling all of the money, giving you no financial freedom and therefore putting you in a situation where you are stuck. Control over weight through put downs, making you feel bad, ect. Abusive men do things to keep their women at home and feeling bad about themselves.

Either way...you need to have money that you have control over. You need his support, which you should be able to gain by proving that your serious (losing weight, exercising, eating well CONSISTANTLY!).

All in all...you are NOT a child, and he shouldn't treat you like one. You need to step up and talk to him about this, or else its not going to change.

12-17-2011, 05:16 AM
I got tired of being unable to spend a cent without my husband's input or commentary, so we set up a bank account that I am in complete control of. We agreed on an amount that would be deposited into that account every month from our main account.

Dude. I need to do this for my husband. we can never buy eachother stuff, and he always spends way too much money. He thinks his debit card is a magical piece of plastic...he just swipes and swipes lol. I've thought about taking away his debit card, but I hate for him to be without it in case something were ever to happen.

Anyhoo, the separate account for the household's non-bill-payer is a fantastic idea! I'm going to open up an account for him when I get paid again.

12-17-2011, 08:04 AM
Anyhoo, the separate account for the household's non-bill-payer is a fantastic idea! I'm going to open up an account for him when I get paid again.

I love it! My husband isn't tight with the purse strings, in fact he's the spender and I'm the natural "budgeter" in the family. However, when my illnesses started interfering with my short-term memory, and my ability to do simple math, I had to turn over the financial reigns to hubby. He's done an ok job, but we'd be saving more and spending less if I were still in charge (well, if the "old me" were still in charge).

It would drive me crazy, especially since our disability incomes are about equal, so I felt like I was contributing half of the money, but not getting half of the control (but I couldn't take on half of the control).

I felt like I was having to "ask" for money that was already mine. I also felt I had to compensate for my hubby's spendy ways by cutting back on myself - and then I'd resent that.

We're actually considering opening up a third account - for his discretionary income. That way, we're both on a budget. The household account will be for necessities and savings and then each of us will have an account for our individual spending money.

12-17-2011, 10:54 AM
I can kind of see why the BF is saying what he is...

It could be hes "heard that story before" and would rather money go to something he thinks you'd "use all the time" *not saying you wouldnt, but he might think that*

It very well could be that he is results driven too... like the previous poster said. My man was that way too, after about 10 lbs hes been on board all the way!

12-17-2011, 12:27 PM
It can be very easy to harshly judge others (and ourselves) by the person's past weight loss failures (and to judge all but perfection as failures). I think it's incredibly important though, to distinguish "easy" from "justified."

We judge weight loss by standards that we don't use for anything else. Incredible success (if we were to compare it to how most people in similar situation are doing) looks like incredible failure, because we've been taught (and that's men and women) to use unrealistic and inaccurate measures of success.

We set people up to fail, by declaring most efforts failures, and by setting a long list of "should be able to" criteria, to judge the success by...

Should be able to do it without help

Should be able to "just" eat less and move more without any fancy plans

Should be able to avoid all tempting foods in all situations

Should be able to use moderation

Should never revert to old habits

All these "shoulds" get in the way of actual success - and when they're imposed not only by ourselves, but by others (who are supposed to love us) it becomes an unbearable burden.

Men AND women need to be educated on the realities of weight loss. Weight loss success statistics are dismal - and it's not because overweight folks are lazy, good-for-nothing, unmotivated, whiny babies, who never follow through on their promises to themselves and others.

Weight loss fails so often because it's hard, though we treat it as if it's easy - so that anyone who doesn't accomplish it rapidly and without difficulty must be lazy, crazy, or stupid.

If we all acknowledged how damned difficult weight loss was, we'd be piling on praise and encouragement for even the smallest of successes, instead of dismissing everything but perfect failure as success.

It's perfectly understandable that many men (and women) don't realize this - but it's inexcuseable that we're not educating people.

My husband didn't understand my issues with my weight loss, my fibromyalgia, my IBS, or sugar addiction (he had some health and eating issues of his own, but they were different than mine). To be honest, I didn't understand a lot of his either.

We both educated ourselves and now we're a lot more sympathetic to the other persons issues.

It's hard to educate yourself on weight loss, because the cultural myths and sterotypes (that fat people are lazy, crazy, or stupid) interfere with the realities. It's also taboo, so the "failures" don't get as much attention as the successes (and the incredibly success stories of rapid weight loss are used as "proof" that everyone can accomplish that "if they really want to."

I didn't start succeeding with my own weight loss until I realized that I wasn't lazy, crazy or stupid. I had to understand the enemy to fight it (even though I've been studying the enemy for 40 years, since my first doctor-supervised diet in kindergarten).