Hi all! An earlier thread about dating/weight got me to thinking that a lot of people here may have online dating experience. I am giving it a try for the first time and am struggling to even get my profile together. I was hoping that those of you with experience would chime in here and give me your best tips, advice, experiences and warnings. :) I have a few questions to start off with, but am interested to hear anything you are willing to share!! Thanks!!
I am currently 240/5'2 and a size 20/22. What is the correct choice for body type??? One of the sites gives me the option of "a few extra pounds" "Big and Tall/BBW" or "prefer not to say" in addition to thin or athletic etc. The other site offers "Heavyset" "Stocky" "Big and Beautiful" "Curvy" or "Full figured."
What would you select for each? I want people to know the truth right up front but I don't know what the best choice to pick is.
Beyond that I know that you are supposed to keep your profile upbeat/positive etc. My scenario is that my marriage ended 5.5 years ago. I have been alone ever since. And with a newborn and a toddler to raise with basically no help I medicated with food like crazy. Now I have my act together and am finally blasting the weight off. Is there a non tacky way to say that I am losing the weight and interested in meeting someone that is active?
OK, lastly I am looking for great tips for writing a profile, appearing interesting etc.
Thank you!! ;)
12-10-2011, 04:24 PM
I also met my husband online. He was the first guy I met (kind of a lucky shot eh?) online. I used 'athletic' because I am (I had lost the weight by then), it really is up to you what you want to say - you don't have to put anything. What do you feel comfortable saying? I think the term "BBW" implies you are planning to stay that way. If you are actively losing, I probably wouldn't select a type (because that's not the permanent "you"). When you meet a guy you can of course be more detailed about that.
Good luck & have fun!!!! I have nothing but positive things to say :) I used Lavalife.
12-10-2011, 04:54 PM
Admittedly when I've done those profiles I usually picked the largest (Big and Beautiful sounds upbeat and gives a good indication.) Mainly because I would rather they have a larger image of me in their heads since those terms are so subjective. A lot of people seem to have a harder problem adjusting or accepting 'bigger than imagined' rather than 'smaller than imagined' so I figured better safe than sorry.
Also keep your profile as honest as possible but I highly suggest you NOT mention the fact that you have kids. Feel free to mention that you were married before and possibly hint that you share custody if you absolutely must but (...I hate to put seeds of doubt or horrific thoughts in your head...) a lot of pedophiles focus on single mothers due to the 'access' of her kids. So I would rather you err in the side of caution.
I also highly recommend having your type of humor to shine through your profile. If you're sarcastic, make it sarcastic. If you have a dark sense of humor then don't be afraid to go there either (I got a lot of high ratings for my profile and I mentioned doing drugs off of hookers' bodies!) Also try not to be generic in your interests if you can, the more your profile stands out the better!
Finally I tackled the problem of hinting that I'm losing weight by mentioning that I am looking for someone who is willing to drag me off to try new activities and is willing to bring out the extrovert in me. Also mention that you're into new activities (hiking or biking or whatever it is you prefer to do) and would love a companion! Heck, even suggesting a 'fitness partner' could yield you some great results.
Whew, okay, that's what I've got so far! Good luck and tell us how it goes!
12-11-2011, 12:53 PM
I'd say the best way to be is honest and upbeat. If you have photos on your profile and they aren't totally deceptive from-above-angle head shots, they will speak for themselves. Since you are losing weight and interested in a healthy partner, it's probably good to mention that healthy is a priority.
One thing I notice when I skim females' online dating profiles is that a lot of them sound mean and b!tchy for no apparent reason, like they are blaming ALL men for problems they've had with specific men in the past. You sound like you have a good attitude toward life and that you are lots of fun, so I'm sure that positive energy will shine forth on your profile.
12-12-2011, 12:27 AM
Hi Liz, I am on Plenty of Fish and although my profile is hidden right now, I enjoy reading their forums as much as I enjoy reading the ones here! That said, I think when you decide on which body type you use, go with your gut and use what feels right. I use BBW because that's what I am, although I am trying to lose weight as well. I have made a point to mention in my profile that I lost a lot of weight in the past, and am still in the process so I am looking for someone who is active as well.
As I've mentioned, I like reading their forums as well, and one of the biggest complaints I see men make is how some women claim they are "average" or "a few extra pounds" when they are really more "BBW". Similarly, I've seen a lot of women complain that some men say they are 6' feet tall when they're really about 5'6"...I think in those cases the forum posters have felt misled by profiles. I also have a full-body shot so they can see how I look and have no illusions, but of course everything has to be taken with a grain of salt, we have no way of knowing that the person we see on the profile is the actual person who owns the profile.
And yes, keep it positive! I know I have no interest in contacting a man on POF who sounds angry and bitter and misogynistic, so many men probably do not want to respond to a negative profile either.
12-12-2011, 03:58 AM
I definitely agree about being honest on your profile. Post some flattering, yet realistic pictures so that the guys will have an accurate image of you in their heads. If you do this, I don't think the "body type" answer will matter as much. Most guys will look at your pictures first, probably before even going to your profile. In terms of the actual profile, I wouldn't flat out say that you're trying to lose weight. I would just mention that you want someone active and that YOU like being active (and then list activities that you like to do). Also, like other pp's have said, make everything very positive. We all have our issues, but no one is going to be initially attracted to someone whose profile is full of complaints and negativity. I've gone through several "rounds" of online dating on plentyoffish.com and there are so many guys whose whole profile consists of them whining about ex-gfs and how they were screwed over by women, yada yada. I definitely don't go for those types of guys.
In terms of actually talking to guys, don't be afraid to message a guy first. I met my current bf on plentyoffish and I was the one who messaged him. He didn't have a lot of time to sit and go through people's profiles so we probably wouldn't have met had I not taken the first step. And I'm sure you'd do this anyway, but when you message a guy, make sure to ask questions and be specific about things you like about him. Most people who are worth your time are going to want an actual conversation, not just a "what's up?". Anyway, that's all I can think of! Have fun and good luck!
12-12-2011, 04:19 AM
When I wrote the profile of the ad in which I met my husband, I listed my "stats" outright - my hair color, eye color, height, weight - and the range of weights that I had been in the last ten years. I also joked that my weight was subject to change without notice in either direction - that I was currently dieting, and looking for someone who was in a similar situation - or sympathetic to it.
I wanted to make it clear that I was willing to date active overweight guys, because I knew that in the BBW and FA community, there were a lot more men of all sizes willing to date overweight women - but that a lot of the BBW women would only dated fit and average men (it's a double standard that is rarely mentioned in the groups' propaganda).
It's a "supply-and-demand" thing. There are more men looking for women in the groups, so the women can afford to be picky (and unfortunately that often means shallow).
I'm really glad I did, because my husband was the only very overweight guy I'd ever dated seriously, and I would have missed out if I had ruled him out based on his size (or the fact that his idea of getting dressed up is wearing dark jeans and a clean, dark t-shirt with no holes, logos or pictures on it).
12-13-2011, 02:05 PM
I met my boyfriend from Plenty of Fish. My profile said "BBW", which he prefers anyway. I was upbeat, personable and honest with my profile. Nothing has changed about me (or him for that matter) and we are currently living together. Which in my profile I did state that I had NO desire to marry again...which he was just fine with. My profile pictures were a wide variety of headshots, photos taken at work events (full length, but a "nice" looksee), to the casual backyard grillin' and chillin' shots with my girlfriends.
Good luck to you...I know I had to go through a LOT of 'one date wonders' to get where I am today, but I'm glad I took the time to be picky!
12-13-2011, 07:15 PM
Where were you ladies 2 years ago? This is all great advice!
Liz - I did a lot of online dating, some good, some bad. The best advice I can give is do not rule guys out because they don't fall within certain personality or physical perimeters. I dated all kinds of guys...tall, short...thin, not so thin (lol)...older, younger...well you get it. My current BF doesn't fit the checklist of what I thought I was attracted to in the beginning, yet he is the best man I've ever met.
Also, don't be shy about telling someone if you don't think you two would be a good fit, tactfully of course. Don't lead men on hoping they'll get the hint. I've seen too many people do this and it's just cruel and immature. (stepping off soapbox, lol)
Good luck and have fun!
12-15-2011, 09:51 AM
Be honest, truly and completely. Maybe not list out all of your personality traits, but choose a picture of yourself that is honest! I know a lot of girls who choose the most flattering/photoshopped picture of themselves and it's quite cruel to mislead someone like that I think!
Also, be yourself! Your profile reflects you, the responses you would give, don't try and exceed your personality to appear to be someone you're not.
I met my boyfriend online when we were 13 (we're 22 now), so online is a great place to meet people. I got lucky with him, we met at 18, he went to my Uni and lived with me at 19 and we got together at 20! So we were friends for a looong time. So don't rush into anything! Make sure the person you're talking to is interested in YOU as a person and wants to take things the same pace you do.
12-15-2011, 12:36 PM
I agree, you should be honest as possible. I've never done online dating, but my hubby met his ex online, and she was NOT honest about her size. Her picture was deceptive as she had obviously tried to make the angle as flattering as possible. And she never once mentioned that she was overweight. He's not shallow by any means, but was very shocked when he met her in person and realized that she larger than she let on...she's probably about 250-ish and her picture and description of herself made her sound like she wasn't plus sized.
He doesn't care about size, but since she was dishonest from the begining their relationship never stood a chance (even if she hadn't been a crazy sleazy witch.).
I'd suggest a candid picture rather than one you take of yourself. Much more honest, and IMO more inviting and natural.
12-15-2011, 02:34 PM
I did some online dating in the past (When I was very slim), but I had dyed black hair, questionable fashion sense and hadn't quite grown into my face. The picture I had up was before I dyed my hair and a very flattering, maybe photoshopped face. I met this guy and he was clearly surprised to see me; I knew I didn't look like what he was expecting.
Besides being chubbier now, I think I'm much more attractive than I was then... But I definitely know if I did online dating again I'd post a flattering photo as well as candid, average pictures. I might even post some downright bad photos of me, just in case!
Online dating can be awesome but it's also tricky because we can't help but have this image of people in our heads, both as far as looks and personality go. I feel like it's easy to be disappointed after you've thought someone up in your mind already. I definitely believe in meeting very soon after you "meet" online so as to minimize idealizing each other.
12-15-2011, 07:17 PM
Put some up that show your sense of humour! If I were a guy and saw someone who looked like they were fun compared to a girl just posing and pouting I know I'd choose the fun girl!