Pregnant - Nursing - Having a hard time w/this decision (warning: long post)




4myloves
12-08-2011, 11:41 AM
I know there are lots of moms here, and soon to be's, and TTC's. I need some female perspective from some of you who may have had to (or may soon have to) make this decision.....

When I had my daughter, Edie, she weighed 9 lb. 11 oz. at birth. Now, I know she's not like a world-record holder for being the biggest baby, or anything, but the Dr. who delivered her (NOT my regular OB/Gyn) told me that having another baby after the way she stretched by uterine wall could end up being deadly for both me and the baby.

When my regular Doc got to the hospital the next day, he told me that Doc who had delivered Edie was a bit over-reactive; that if I gave my body at least 3 years to heal before TTC again, both the baby and I SHOULD be fine (should). At that time, I was 34 years old, which would make me 37 @ TTC point.

Well, now I'm 35, will be 36 in January, and it's been two years. When I went in for my yearly exam, they had the "talk" with me--if you're my age, you know the "talk."--If you want to have a healthy baby and not take any chances blah, blah, blah......

I HAVE two healthy babies (thank God!), but I've always, deep-down, wanted a bigger family. Now I'm not so sure. I don't want to wait until I'm 37to TTC again, but I don't want to TTC NOW because I couldn't live with myself if I knowingly put one of my babies in danger, and, to me (no judgement calls meant here), the baby in my belly would be just as much loved & alive as the two I have on the ground. Plus, the Doc said MY life could be in jeopardy, as well, and I don't want to leave my babies with only their Pop & other family members to raise them--they're MINE MINE MINE :p

NOW--if you've gotten through all of that (1st of all BLESS YOU), here's the decision I'm facing: I feel like I need to get my tubes tied. I KNOW that there's always going to be a part of me that will want to carry a baby again. I also KNOW that I don't want to be 40-years-old and pregnant. BUT, there's this HUGE part of me that feels like if I get my tubes tied I'm giving up a major part of my life. I know that is an incredibly selfish statement to make, because there are many many women who would love to have babies, but who can't, for various reasons.

I guess I just need some feedback of some kind. You don't have to tell me if I'm right or if I'm wrong, just something to help me weigh the pros and cons of having/or not having another baby & the degree of permanancy of having a tubal. (If you feel compelled to tell me if I'm right or wrong or selfish or anything else, however, FEEL FREE!!--This ain't my first rodeo, and I know that asking for opinions and input generally garners opinions and input. I got my big girl panties on ;) )


bargoo
12-08-2011, 12:00 PM
I would get another medical opinion since these two doctors don't quite agree.

mandalinn82
12-08-2011, 12:04 PM
IMO, the reluctancy to make this decision "final" would make me strongly consider NOT getting a tubal. There are birth control options that are not permanent, as I'm sure you know, so why force yourself to make a permanent decision that you're not quite yet ready to make?

Only you can make a decision about whether you want to have more kids, but it's not like the decision is "have a kid now or permanently remove any option of having more kids". There is another option of "give it a year and see if I feel the same way". You might decide in a year that you want to make the decision permanent, and that's fine, but the chance that in a year you might have changed your mind is enough for me to think you don't need to make it permanent right now.


DezziePS
12-08-2011, 12:17 PM
I agree! Why do you want to have a tubal or nothing? I would really look into getting an IUD or something, maybe. IUD's are reversible if you change your mind in a year. Or is that what you're worried about? Are you worried at 39 you'll decide to have a baby and the current 36 year old you doesn't want the future you to make a mistake? I think THAT's a mistake! Plenty of women have healthy pregnancies at more advanced ages now, and who knows what science will be like in 5 years.

In any case, tubals are invasive. If you really wanted something surgical and permanent, why don't you have your hubby get a vasectomy? They're MUCH less invasive than tubals.

bargoo
12-08-2011, 12:19 PM
I did have a tubal ligation when my son was nine months old. This was done at the doctors urging . Years later I found out the diagnosis was wrong and there really had been no need to have my tubes tied. A bitter dissappointment but too late too change anything.

astrophe
12-08-2011, 12:47 PM
Well, I was a high risk pregnancy and I don't want any more kids. But I haven't gone the tubal route. I expect DH to get a vasectomy. I took it on the front 20 years with BCP, I expect him to take one for the team now. (We'd agreed on this before we married and his doc appts are coming up.)

On the having kids front -- it's the biggest decision you make on using up Earth's resources. Putting another human on the planet using stuff up for 80+ years is a huge impact. The second biggest decision is what/how you eat -- because that you do around 3 times a day for 80+ years.

I only ever wanted 2 kids, because I wanted the kids to not compete with the siblings for attention, jobs, resources growing up, etc. Then with my health hurdles it ended up at 1 kid because I didn't want to risk it and leave kid and spouse without me. There was a year or two where we "closed the door but didn't lock it" -- we were pretty sure we were done but left it without doing anything surgical. Just went with condoms and BCP.

Now that we're at 37, we're ready to move on the vasectomy.

Only you can answer your own question.

But since you asked? Me in your shoes? I'd stop at the 2 kids, but not necessarily do the tubal. Seek other BC methods and sound out DH on the V if you decide to "lock that door" in the future.

GL!
A.

Ksquared
12-08-2011, 12:54 PM
I think everyone is missing something! Get your tubes tied, while it is a perment thing.. it does not mean you can never ever ever have another baby! You just can't make one in the traditional and fun sense. With todays medical technology having your tubes tied doesn't mean no more babies. You can always have eggs harvested and them impregnated. Not exactly a romantic night at home, but you can always have a child still.

I have two boys myself, got my tubes tied. I do not want anymore children. two are MORE then enough for me.

mandalinn82
12-08-2011, 12:56 PM
You can always have eggs harvested and them impregnated. Not exactly a romantic night at home, but you can always have a child still.

True, but this is not a financially feasible option for a lot of people, since it costs more than the average car.

Ryler832
12-08-2011, 01:08 PM
I think everyone is missing something! Get your tubes tied, while it is a perment thing.. it does not mean you can never ever ever have another baby! You just can't make one in the traditional and fun sense. With todays medical technology having your tubes tied doesn't mean no more babies. You can always have eggs harvested and them impregnated. Not exactly a romantic night at home, but you can always have a child still.*

I have two boys myself, got my tubes tied. I do not want anymore children. two are MORE then enough for me.

This isn't an option to choose when you can conceive naturally. I had IVF done with my daughter only after trying for 7 years and 3 miscarriages. This is very expensive and time consuming.*

To the OP: why do you want a tubal ligation? Is it all or nothing at this point? I would get another medical opinion on TTC again. *My mom had 2 babies, over 10 lb each and they were born with 18 months of one another. What doctors recommend or provide are just their expert opinions. If you were to go back and ask him for a guarantee signed he would never do it. What I'm trying to say is why feel obligated to stick to one doctor's opinion when there are plenty out there.

4myloves
12-08-2011, 02:22 PM
Hubby absolutely refuses the VS route. He is also, however, adamantly clear that he doesn't want ANY MORE kids ("don't even want the two I've got!" type).

After reading through your responses (and I hope even more chime in, because every post helps me to evaluate my situation more clearly), I decided to schedule a preliminary meeting with my OB/Gyn to discuss tubal AND other non-permanent methods of BC.

This isn't my first go-round with this decision-making process. The first time I brought it up, my OB flat-out refused me. He's known since the first day I met him that I want(ed) four (or more) kids. That meeting was when Edie was 6-months-old (so a year-and-a-half ago).

The fact that I'm still torn, at this point, speaks volumes to me of my own situation, I just really really need the differing persectives. The thing is, for those of you who asked, at this point I really feel as though it is TUBAL OR NOTHING. Literally. I'm tired of having to remember the pill every day. DH doesn't want me getting any "foreign objects" (what he calls IUD's) put in my body. I'm ready to stop taking the pill and let Mother Nature take Her course--with the "what's meant to be will be" attitude.

I know in the end it will still be my decision to make, regardless of the comments I receive here, but I want you all to know that your input and this whole conversation means so much to me. :love:

bargoo
12-08-2011, 02:58 PM
Re:Hubby having a vasectomy, which he doesn't want, wouldn't help the situation. You are the one with the potential problem, Please get another opinion. I speak from someone who rushed into tubal ligation only to find it wasn't necessary.Take your time, don't rush into anything, if you decide against it and get pregnant at 37 or 38 , remember many women do, sometimes for the first time.

astrophe
12-08-2011, 03:48 PM
Well, talk about all your options with the doc. Maybe norplant?

And talk to DH some more. I find it strange he's nixing vasectomy, IUD, yet adamantly wants no kids. Like he's fobbing all the BC responsibility on you or something and then being a back seat driver about your options. Weird. How are you guys with condoms?

A.

zenor77
12-08-2011, 04:01 PM
So, how are more kids an option, if your husband adamantly doesn't want more?

That said, I would get a third opinion. Doctors can be wrong and are wrong more than we'd all like to admit. They are human, after all. It doesn't hurt to get another opinion.

I will say, if my DH refused to get a vasectomy, he would also have NO SAY in what form of birth control I chose. I can't force him to have surgery and he can't tell me what to put in my body.

If you decide to wait on a permanent option, what about the patch, nuvo ring or the depo shot? They don't require remembering a pill everyday.

untamed
12-08-2011, 09:44 PM
I will say, if my DH refused to get a vasectomy, he would also have NO SAY in what form of birth control I chose. I can't force him to have surgery and he can't tell me what to put in my body.


What zenor77 said. If he doesn't want to have the surgery, then it should be your choice what method YOU want to use. I also second the suggestion of Nuvaring, it's awesome. Just have to remember it once every 3 weeks, not daily.

butterflymama
12-08-2011, 11:50 PM
When I had my daughter, Edie, she weighed 9 lb. 11 oz. at birth. Now, I know she's not like a world-record holder for being the biggest baby, or anything, but the Dr. who delivered her (NOT my regular OB/Gyn) told me that having another baby after the way she stretched by uterine wall could end up being deadly for both me and the baby.

When my regular Doc got to the hospital the next day, he told me that Doc who had delivered Edie was a bit over-reactive; that if I gave my body at least 3 years to heal before TTC again, both the baby and I SHOULD be fine (should). At that time, I was 34 years old, which would make me 37 @ TTC point.

)


I'm sorry but these are both ridicules statements. I would run very far and fast from both of these Dr.s I have never in my life heard of such a stupid statement as having a 9 lb 11 oz baby could endanger yours or your baby's life if you became pregnant again. My son was 9lbs 12oz and 22" at birth and I had a second c-section to have him. I was in the care of an amazing, very experienced midwife and the head of high risk obstetrics at a major hospital in Toronto and nobody every cautioned me about the baby "stretching out my uterus" The only thing I was cautioned after both my c-sections was to wait 9 mons to a year to conceive again as to ensure that the incision in my uterus had had lots of time to heal. The uterus is an amazing body part that is very good at stretching and shrinking again. I am currently pregnant again and nobody is concerned about my uterus being too stretched out from my previous pregnancy and I am planning a VBA2C (Vaginal Birth After 2 C-sections). Sorry but I am utterly floored at both of the above statements and I do not think you should make any decisions about future pregnancies based on those statements unless I am understanding it wrong or there is some missing information here.

sacha
12-09-2011, 09:01 AM
I also find it bizarre that a large baby would 'stretch out the uterus', I have never heard of this. Yes, a large baby with additional risk factors can be dangeorus at delivery (shoulder dystocia, which my 9lb 3oz boy had) but that can be resolved through precautions in future vaginal deliveries or C-section.

That being said, if your husband doesn't want anymore children, that sort of solves it right there. I don't want anymore children and my husband does, it is a very difficult subject for us right now, I feel he should respect my wish that I do not want more but he doesn't.

4myloves
12-09-2011, 09:36 AM
@ butterflymama: nope, you're not understanding it wrong, and nothing is missing! When I was laying on the OP table, getting my c-section, the delivering Doc exclaimed "OH! Well, that's not good!"

I would never willingly use him, nor refer anyone else to him.

I think MY Doc was just downplaying the actions of the other Doc, rather than actually giving me an "informed" evaluation.

Beck
12-09-2011, 10:44 AM
I'm also surprised by the doctor saying your uterus was too stretched due to a 9+ lb baby. I had twins whose combined weight was 10lb 10oz, and there plenty of mamas that have much more weight than that with twins and higher order multiples. I'd opt for another opinion if you are considering more children.

As far as a tubal- if you have any hesitation, wait. Remember there are also risks with that procedure. My sister had a tubal and was nicked on one of her organs (I can't remember if it was kidney, liver, or something else), and had issues because of it. There are risks with every procedure, even simple and common ones.

I don't understand men who refuse a vasectomy but are all gung-ho for the woman to go through a tubal which is more complicated and less easily reversed. We put up with the pregnancy and labor, the least they can do is get themselves a vasectomy!

DezziePS
12-09-2011, 11:12 AM
I agree. Though I'm sure there's more to it than just the limited part you've posted, OP, I would be pretty irritated with DH telling me he refused to consider a VS, but that I should get a tubal. Maybe part of it is that he is uninformed about the procedures? VS is so much less invasive! And why is he concerned with you getting an IUD? It sounds like perhaps another misunderstanding about how effective and safe they are- moreso than tubals, I would argue, and they're reversible.

I don't know. It makes me really sad for you that your husband is so much in control of this decision. I would hate for you to get a surgery because someone else was uninformed about the alternatives.

kirsteng
12-11-2011, 07:52 AM
I couldn't agree more about the large-babies factor and it endangering you... absolute hogwash! Go see a midwife and see what they have to say.. I guarantee they'll be completely nonplussed by the size of your baby and ready to take you on as a client.

Age - I'd say also not a factor. Don't close any doors based on age... and don't wait the 3 years based on the hogwash above. ;) (but see hubby comments to follow). I had my 3 babies at ages: 35, 36 and almost 41. 3 healthy straightforward pregnancies, 3 unmedicated births (the last a home birth with a midwife), and 3 beautiful healthy children.

Stage - May be a factor for you. My first 2 were 18 months apart, and our first boy was/is a challenging child. Made a huge difference in our decision to delay/consider a third. I'd always wanted 3, DH had always wanted 2. Then throw two little ones into the mix, one of whom was (bless his heart) a holy terror.. and it seemed for a long time (3 years) that we would stop at 2. But then things got just a little bit easier (ds1 was 5 and dd2 was 3 1/2) so we suddenly decided to give it a try despite my age. I was lucky enough to get pregnant month 1 after I had just turned 40. I have a gorgeous little 2 1/2 year old boy to show for it now.. and DH and I always shake our heads and marvel how close we came to not having this little blessing in our lives. So don't rule it out, even with DH saying no, just yet... things can change fast. Little ones (toddlers and babies) are SUPER time consuming and demanding, but things do ease up quite a bit when they start to hit school age.

Surgery - not sure what to tell you on that one... we used condoms and I charted my cycle so I knew when I was fertile. During that 10 day period each month we used condoms. I haven't taken bc pills for more than 10 years. DH did get a vasectomy a year ago though, as we knew we were stopping at 3. It wasn't terrible, but there was a bit of lingering pain for a few months for him (not everyone has this by any means). Now he's so glad he's done it... I hope your DH reconsiders.

Like everyone says though, you still have time to think about whether you're both truly ready to say you're finished with having kids. I wouldn't do anything permanent while things might still change.

GL with your decision and I wish you the best! :hug:

Allthatglitters1014
01-30-2012, 07:46 AM
I am also on the I went through 3 C sections(probably 1 more in the future) so you
have the VS camp. I'd be pretty damn pissed if DH simply refused. I guess my line would be "I am not having my tubes tied so if you refuse a VS then be prepared to use condoms or have a baby"

If DH doesn't even want the kids he has do you really think its a good idea to have more?