General chatter - Husbands, body issues & "computer time"

12-07-2011, 12:03 AM
I was just wondering if there are any wives out there that want to talk about body issues with their husband. I know it is a personal topic for people struggling with it and I think it will make us all feel better knowing we aren't alone! I have been feeling really insecure (newlywed of 4 months - been together 5 years so not too "newly") as of late. I have gained back every lb of the weight I lost last year and just kind of looked at myself in the mirror naked and thought "yikes, seriously, who would find this sexy or arousing?". I know my husband loves me, thinks I'm beautiful, etc and we have an amazing emotional relationship/friendship, but our sex life has always ranged from mediocre to horrid. We've talked about it constantly and the blame always circles to me but "not me" (I don't know if that makes sense). My husband has never once initiated sex since our honeymoon, and rarely initiated it while dating, and since we now live together I've noticed constant viewing of porn sites on the computer and have confronted him about it numerous times in the last 6 months. It was something I was aware of over the years, but it didn't bother me until we cohabitated because now I am here EVERY day. Before it could be a whole week until we saw each other, but now, I mean wait until 3 o'clock when I get home, seriously.

The bottom line is I feel like he's using porn to fulfil his sexual needs because he doesn't enjoy having sex with his overweight wife because it is too much work, so he doesn't initiate it, unless I do - which means I have to do ALL the work. To top it all off he isn't the healthiest either and has some fairly big ED issues - but won't admit that it's a part of the problem (it's apparently a result of me not doing enough foreplay, once again, my fault).

I want to mostly lose weight for me and for health reasons and gaining freedom to do things being big helps - but it just really hurts so bad it is almost impeding my weight loss efforts.

P.S. I always find it annoying how men expect us to get all freshened and dressed up (my husband wants me to put on hosiery to seduce him), but my husband will wear his gross long underwear leggings around in a tank top, unshowered for a few days with horrible breath and expect me to just come onto him. What the ****, ladies!!

12-07-2011, 12:30 AM
The bottom line is I feel like he's using porn to fulfil his sexual needs because he doesn't enjoy having sex with his overweight wife because it is too much work, so he doesn't initiate it, unless I do - which means I have to do ALL the work.

Have you asked him if this is so?

To top it all off he isn't the healthiest either and has some fairly big ED issues - but won't admit that it's a part of the problem (it's apparently a result of me not doing enough foreplay, once again, my fault).

ED is a result of foreplay probs?

my husband will wear his gross long underwear leggings around in a tank top, unshowered for a few days with horrible breath and expect me to just come onto him.


Is he suffering from depression? Lack of interest in his own self care? That could impact libido big time.


12-07-2011, 12:33 AM
I am not tryin to sound weird but I would love to have a husband like yours sounds :D. Maybe I would get sick of it, but after so many years of feeling severly sexually neglected I wouldn't even know what to do with that. My husband is such a wonderful man, it's just in this department - which is a big part of the husband/wife relationship, it's empty. I have had ex-boyfriends who have been complete horn dogs so over the years I've just been kind of stupeified by it hoping it would one day get better. I know all men are different but I am glad at least I don't have a husband who comments on things like my weight - that sounds just terrible!! I guess he is your ex for a reason. My husband unfortunately is not the "get healthy" type, I've sort of accepted it's not going to happen. He is too picky of an eater, addicted to mt. dew and energy drinks and too stubborn to exercise (he isn't overweight though). Also the fabric wall sounds awful... if that was here I dont' think we would ever have sex again. LOL.

A - I have not asked him if this is the case or not, but I have implied that I don't feel like he finds me sexy, which he says isn't the case. I just suspect it. Also the point is he denies he has ED because I don't spend time arousing him enough so it just looks like ED. I don't understand it, people I've dated long ago didn't really need 45 minutes of foreplay to "get ready" - but I also haven't dated a lot of people. It is annoying though. I am not sure if he is depressed, but I never thought about it because he has always seemed realtively happy - just sloppy, maybe I should ask. Thank you.

12-07-2011, 12:58 AM
45 minutes??? He needs to be checked out by a doctor. That is NOT normal.

I know many people don't think porn is a bad thing, and in some cases, it may not be. It really sounds like it's a problem here though. Daily use seem excessive to me (addiction?)

Like astrophe, I do wonder if depression is the cause here. The poor hygiene, daily porn use, and ED issues seem to point that way. Either that or some sort of other medical problem, perhaps? Either way, I do think he should talk to his doctor.

12-07-2011, 02:27 AM
Have you ever heard of 'the death grip'? Its when males can't get off during sex because they masturbate so much that their penis is basically used to the sensation of a tightly gripped hand (rather than the less tight but oh so cozy grip of er, something else :P). Basically it decreases sensitivity. Add to it that he is getting his sexual needs met by porn and you can see why he takes so long with you.

Please look up 'Dan Savage' and 'Death Grip' on google. I LOVE Dan Savage and he lays it to you straight plus gives you advice on how to deal.

As for how unhygenic and unsexy he is, have you tried telling him that just like he might prefer you in stockings, you prefer him showered and in say...firemen's pants? Hey, at least its better than long johns!

12-07-2011, 03:45 AM
I really think that a healthy sex life is vital to any marriage. It takes work sometimes, though. It seems to me that porn is the "easy option" for your husband. You are NOT to blame! You've been making effort...he's been making demands.

Losing weight and getting thin isn't going to solve your sex issues. You need to be confident and love yourself right now and continue on your weight loss journey as a strong, empowered woman. Keep it separate from the sex thing.

I've been where you are. Lack of sex isn't solved by playing the blame game. When I stopped having the "Its my fault, I'm too fat to be sexy" mentality and stopped pressuring my husband our sex life improved a lot.

Have you tried incorporating porn into your sex life a little bit? It may help to ease him away from porn and help him to get more used to having sex with a real woman.

I know how much it hurts to feel like he prefers porn over the real thing. But you have to believe that its not about you. Its just easier and requires less effort to pull up a porno and fly solo. I'm sure he's not comparing you to the porn girls when he's doing it, and I'm sure he's not comparing them to you when he's with you.

His issue probably isn't that he's not attracted to you. It's more likely he's just used to his routine and too lazy to change it.

As for his should get him a fishnet glove and tell him that that can be his stockinged lady until he wants the real thing. ;)

All in all, the more sex you have, the more you want. The more you want it, the better it gets!

12-07-2011, 06:24 AM
IMO- sounds kind of like your hunny has a porn addiction..Their is a difference between looking at it on the odd occasion but doing it every day is not healthy..its unrealistic.

From my up and downs in my sex life with my hunny..which have been many..ive learned a few things so far:

1) if you are constantly insecure and talking like you hate yourself or dont like what you see, odds are he will get turned off

2) If you dont do anything to initiate and show that you want it and show him that he is wanted-he wont bother

3) If he is stressed out or something else is going on in his life-he could be going through a phase..and that phase can last awhile..cause stress really does turn a guy off

4) If he is depressed or suffering from bouts of guessed sex drive.. he wants to go to his man cave

5) sometimes guys are clueless and they dont know what we want.

Point is: lots of things could be going on..If he has ED..thats a huge pre-cursor to circumstancial depression...if he has an addiction to porn..that can also cause ED in the bedroom..

It sounds like he is depressed..if he isnt looking after himself sounds like he might be suffering from a case of lost identity..ive learned that sometimes, when we go from being in a dating relationship to being with someone day in and day out...they need time to adjust and we can lose our identity in the other person..and sometimes it takes awhile to find ourselves again..

I think its time you and him got beyond the "is it me" issue.. and start really talking about whats really going on ..cause i dont this your issue is lack of sex..their is something deeper going on with him then that...and he is probably right when he says it has nothing to do with you..spouse's tend to blame the spouse for things that are not their fault, because they dont want to deal with the fact, that its something in themselves.

12-07-2011, 07:00 AM
I agree with pp - it sounds suspiciously like your husband might be depressed/porn addiction or both. It is not normal that a young man would not initiate (or rarely) sex with his newly married wife (and even when you were dating!)... not to mention the ED issues. 45 minutes is a VERY long time. My husband just turned 37, and if I so much as brush by his stomach or legs in bed, well... you get the picture. ;)

It sounds like he needs to be evaluated, but from how you described his mentality/personality, that might prove to be difficult. Would he consent to couples counselling? IT's much easier to hear that kind of thing from someone outside the relationship. Might get him out of denial about the porn too.

GL and keep your chin up - it has nothing to do with you and everything to do with him!

12-07-2011, 10:07 AM
My ex had this problem. The intimacy in our marriage was totally there are many other issues related why he's my ex, there are many factors that contributed to the marriage failing, my ownership as well so I'm just going to talk about the sex part.

I knew before we got married he liked porn. But after we lived together I caught him several times. The sex life was fine or "bareable" etc until we had kids. Then I caught him again and again. And this was a HUGE issues cause I didn't want some sex spam popping up on the computer when the kids were around! But it continued so bad that he eventually stopped sleeping in our bed and would be up til 2am on the computer!

For him, as he explained it was nothing emotional, it was simply a quick release. But his addiction to it took away the emotional intimacy from the marriage. Try not to internalize it. I know that's hard to do, but the rush of porn, the "forbidden" and the hiding, the secrecy to keep it hidden (addiction is like that) is all part of the "rush" it's all part of what makes it so addictive. It's a pattern, a cycle that's so hard to break. And so when it comes down to time with the wife and the intimacy, the rush isn't there. It's not your fault. He has conditioned himself to enjoy porn. The connection is jaded by the rush, and getting back into that emotional intimacy can be very hard.

He needs help. You noticed this before the marriage, it's been around probably since before you even came along. It needs to be looked at, counselling, therapy etc. because honestly, you need intimacy with your partner to keep it going, to feel close etc. You can't honestly make true love when he's stuck in the rush of porn.

Good luck hun xoxo

12-07-2011, 01:14 PM
Ok... my two cents worth. Is it an addiction? Maybe. Is it making you feel bad about yourself? You betcha. What you have to realize is men are visual people - the porn ( and the requested stockings on you) provides him the visual. Why is it taking him so long? That's not you darlin', that's cause he used to "much" stimulus visually when he is in pleasure mode. I agree with one of the other posters, if you have no issue with it, to incorporate the porn when you both are together. Slowly ween him down off it when you are together - if it's the visual stimulation, then I am betting it won't take 45 mins to prep anymore. Rest assured though, it's not you, your looks, or what you do (or fail to do)... it's a man being a weird man, lol. In turn though, he puts in a request for stockings, you put in a request for a shower... or make the times you initiate with him correlate to when he does shower - eventually he will make the association; proof with Pavloc's dog :) and for the record, I am happily married for 11 yrs, together 13 under the same roof... and we have had "issues" as everyone has before. Just remember, men don't think like we do - they are not nearly as complicated. Keep it simple, associate with positive "reinforcement" and that is how you will get back on track :)

12-07-2011, 01:19 PM
I agree with what some of the others are saying, he is desensitized. It sounds like porn addiction. Some people do not take this seriously and think porn is harmless, it is quite destructive.

I would talk to him about it in a non threatening non confrontive fashion. He needs help. perhaps therapy and a male accountability partner. I would look into a porn blocker but this will only work if he wants to be free of the addiction.

Try not to make this about you. You are beautiful person and deserve a healthy happy m8nd and body. Keep on the journey for yourself.

12-07-2011, 01:31 PM
I am not sure bringing porn into the bedroom is a good idea. It is only validating the behavior not solving the underlying issues. Obviously she IS having a problem with it. She feels neglected and empty in that area. Why do something that will make the situation worse?

12-07-2011, 02:06 PM
My ex had a porn addiction. One of the reasons I left. I would cry and beg him to come to bed with me. He ruined my computer with all the porn viruses, too. >.< I never solved the problem. I hope you can. *hug*

My current just doesn't want to have sex with me at all. I guess I understand since I work nights and he works days. It's hard to make time. There is basically one night in a 2 week period that we could have the time to do it. Although from our conversations, I personally believe he's have ED issues (he's 15 years older than me). Evidently smoking can cause ED. Awesome! And some heavy use of NSAIDS may cause ED according to one study. Basically I'm screwed (and not in a good way). My husband doesn't require me to dress up, thank goodness. He even looks at me funny if I dress up cause I want to feel pretty!

12-07-2011, 03:02 PM
It isn't normal that after four months of being married, he's having ED issues and you're having issues with him in the bedroom.

Obviously, you two need to sit down and really talk about what's going on. And maybe even marriage counseling. Counseling shouldn't be seen as "failing" but rather learning how to communicate better and how to resolve issues. Eventually, you won't need the counselor anymore to help you deal with these things because you'll have a tool set of problem solving skills and coping mechanisms that will make your marriage stronger.

But if you both don't deal with this issue, then what happened me (and others who refer to their EXES as exes) will happen to you. I also was with someone who I was incompatible with in the bedroom and we eventually had to face that our relationship wasn't going to work out. We were great friends. But that was with it. We were living together and I remember feeling and saying probably the same things that you have been saying to him.

Really think about going to counseling. Figure out a way to get him there, especially if there is a chance he might be depressed at all. And then work on making this work for you.

This is not about your weight at all.

12-07-2011, 03:15 PM
I am not sure bringing porn into the bedroom is a good idea. It is only validating the behavior not solving the underlying issues. Obviously she IS having a problem with it. She feels neglected and empty in that area. Why do something that will make the situation worse?

That's assuming that the issue is an addiction and not an alternative. I was suggesting that maybe porn is just a lazy easy way for him not to have to make the real effort it takes to have physical intimacy.

None of us are in that house, we don't know that he has an "addiction." I think people tend to jump the gun on that word. Addiction is one word that is way overused, IMHO....and it should be taken more seriously and not thrown around so lightly.

I hate seeing, especially in the media, everybody blame everything on addiction. "I cheated on my wife because I'm a sex addict." "I can't get a job because I'm a porn addict" Its the perfect scapegoat.

I agree with PP, therapy sounds like a good idea. Your marriage is way too young to be having problems like this, and I feel for you, girl. ((hug))

12-07-2011, 03:22 PM
45 minutes is a VERY long time. My husband just turned 37, and if I so much as brush by his stomach or legs in bed, well... you get the picture. ;)

My husband of 20 years (he's over 50) is the doesn't take long. Every marriage has its ups and downs, but at 4 months married, you should be riding a high wave right now.

Just know that it's not YOU!

12-07-2011, 04:30 PM
I don't know that he's addicted to porn or what... but I hope you get him to a check up for the erectile dysfunction bit and find the reason WHY.

Maybe's that is causing depression? And the need for "no pressure" porn as a sex outlet as opposed to actual sex where he experiences performance anxiety?

But there's enough there to be concerned, and a check up just to be sure seems like a place to start sorting all this out.


12-07-2011, 07:07 PM
It could be the weight of course :( I know it doesn't sound nice, but it is absolutely natural for human beings to prefer slim sexual partners to heavier ones. Weight makes sex harder.

That being said it doesn't mean that you aren't the person he wants to live with and love above all.

Whatever his part of the problem is you should first of all fix your side. You have two options, or so it would seem to me: 1. Try having more sex as you lose weight 2. Find someone who wants to have sex with you as you are at any weight.

It is one thing to ask of a person to love your faults and another to ask of them to love you while you are giving up on fixing your faults. I personaly would not be attracted to someone who doesn't try to be the best they can be.

There are heavy couples with an active sex life, there are skinny couples wihout one. Of course it isn't all about the weight, but it is a factor.

Now to the possible ED your hubs might have... does he perhaps have a lot of stress? Men that prefer cold distant porn to a warm real woman usually have performance stress. It might make him feel worse and worse to talk about sex, because admitting sexual disfunction is harder for a man than a woman. This might add to you feeling responsible for the situation.

Personally I think gradually having open discussions about sex helps, starting first with offers from your part and then with gentle demands :) Just because they don't do it in the movies doesn't mean that talking and laughing while having sex is a no-do either. It isn't a show, it's just a way to make your very special someone happy.

12-07-2011, 11:34 PM
His lack of initiating, ED, and wanting 45 minutes of foreplay could all be explained by low testosterone. I think porn addiction or depression are also possible culprits. It could be all three or some physical cause we don't know about.

Do you know anything about how his sex life has been in previous relationships?

I'm a little concerned about why you guys got married with this huge unaddressed issue looming. Do you feel very close to him in other ways?

Emerald Eyes
12-07-2011, 11:43 PM
I am under the impression that porn shouldn't be part of the bedroom, either. Mainly because that's the reason she is feeling insecure in the first place....all I know is myself, and that would make it worse for me. Seeing all of the "perfect" women and knowing he would rather see them than me and the only way I could entice him into the room with me was to see them... um, no. Again, that's just me...people are different. I also have the belief that any form of gratification of needs that it met by another venue is no better than physically cheating...and that goes both ways. When men (or women) go to another venue for sexual gratification (regardless of whether physical sex is had--could be porn of any style) it's no better than physically cheating with another person (to me). Same thing with emotional needs...when women (or men) seek emotional gratification from another source it is no better than cheating. Your husband/wife is supposed to be the person that gratifies you both sexually and emotionally. When that isn't the case, that's normally when things fall apart.

the best marriage advice I've ever heard actually came from my husband to my sister and her husband "Just get over yourselves and serve each other!" (but that has to go both ways or one person becomes a door mat).

best advice I can give you is advice that's already been given-- talk to him. Tell him it HURTS you when he goes to the porn instead of you. Tell him you WANT your marriage to last and that sex (between the 2 of you) is a vital part in that happening.

again, my own opinions and things that work for me.

bless your heart-- hang in there, sweetie!!

12-08-2011, 05:01 AM
It sounds like ED to me. Maybe he feels embrassed about it so he is avoiding intimacy with you and going for the porn so there is no feeling of embrassment. It could be a whole host of things. I think your weight is hardly the issue here. If a man really wants sex they will have it with the nearest woman(which is the wife or girlfriend). And he is saying he needs foreplay is an excuse for his sex issues. Men do not need foreplay like women do. Foreplay us actually a more important thing for female arousal than it is for men.

You need to have a serious talk with him. Or even bring a sex therapist into the situation if needed.

12-08-2011, 10:35 AM
IMHO, and I know it's probably more complicated than you were able to encompass in your post, I think it's super crappy of him to blame you for the sex situation. It takes two, and it sounds like you are trying to offer solutions and he is unwilling to explore them. I think you need to go to counseling to start communicating with each other and figure out what's going on. I agree with some of the other posters, why did you marry this guy with this huge unresolved issue? I have tried to tell myself in previous relationships that sex wasn't that important and that I could get over an unsatisfying sex life, but after a failed marriage that ended in part because I couldn't stand the thought of being so sexually unfulfilled for the rest of my life, I decided that that just wasn't true. I really hope that you can get this resolved. A rewarding sex life is something we all deserve.

Also, 45 minutes just to get heated up enough to perform is ridiculous. Especially if you're doing a bunch of grunt work that whole time. Sometimes protracted foreplay can be fun, but to be perfectly blunt, if I had to do that every time, I would (a) feel like I never had enough time to have sex and (b) probably lose interest at some point before the main event. If he is not able to maintain an erection, there are *ahem* other ways he can be involved with you. I have heard that one of the exercises they give to couples who are dealing with issues such as these is to not have intercourse for a week, but to spend several nights touching and kissing and whatever-ing, knowing that intercourse will not come of it to relieve some of the pressure. Maybe it's worth a shot. But like other posters have said, I do think that there is a desensitization issue probably going on, in addition to the difficulties some men have with repeat performances.