General chatter - Advice/Thoughts

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12-02-2011, 12:21 PM
I have been on this forum for abut 9 months and I love the support here. All the wonderful chicks and roosters are so smart, thoughtful and loving that I have decided to take the plunge and ask for advice/opinions/thoughts on a personal issue.
I have a half brother (same mom) who is 5 years younger than I am. He is 37 now. My mom is 67 years old and she has lived with me for about four years now. Luckily, she is fairly healthy and she is and always has been a loving mother. Very supportive to all her children.
Last night my mom told me that my brother and his wife are planning a trip over Christmas and they want (expect) her to stay at their house and watch their dogs. Really, they want her to take care of their dogs over freakin Christmas. We don't have huge plans but I want my mom around for the holidays. My brother NEVER calls my mom. He may occasionally text her but only once in a blue moon. He does not ask her over for dinner, not even on holidays, her birthday or mothers day. No cards, no calls (maybe a text) no nothing. I makes me so mad that he ignores our mom. We only have one mom, she is not going to be around forever and he ignores her. And yes, it does hurt her.
Generally, I keep my mouth shut but I am so outraged that I am thinking of sending him a Christmas card that says my one wish for Christmas is that he begins to pay some attention to our mom. She sacrificed a lot for this child and she deserves his love, support and respect. Is it too much to ask for him to take time to give her some attention. Call her, take her out on special occasions?
As a side note, he does not have children, yes he works full time, but it is and always has been all about her family. They do everything for HER mom, nieces, etc but he can't give our mom the time of day. UGH. My blood is boiling today.
So, my question is, should I keep my mouth shut or would it be okay for me to send a card to him tactfully stating he needs to pay more attention to our mom???

12-02-2011, 12:46 PM
I wouldn't do it. If I really needed to confront another adult on a behavior issue it is going to be in person. The card feels too passive - aggressive.

The truth is, your mom needs to step up and tell him no. That would be far more clear as she is the one he is mistreating. It would be empowering for her.

Family stuff can be really frustrating. I know how that is.

12-02-2011, 01:42 PM
I'd stay out of it -- at least confront him directly and not through a card. Your mom is an adult and if this bothers her she needs to tell him.

It's hard to stand by and watch it happen though. My own sister is not especially kind to our mother, but takes whatever financial help my mother offers and then treats her like garbage.

12-02-2011, 01:46 PM
How does your mom feel about dog sitting?

Doesn't seem fair, I agree, that she shouldn't if she is going to miss out on family stuff with your side.

Maybe instead of a card you could meet your brother for coffee somewhere and express your concerns face to face. Probably won't change things but you never know... even a little movement on his part could be nice for your mom.

12-02-2011, 01:47 PM
Personally, I would not say that in a card. If I were you, I would call him up and tell him you have a problem with your mother being alone during the holidays and that it is selfish of him to even ask that of her. Even if you and your brother live a reasonable distance away so she could be with you ON Christmas, that's just not the same as having her around for the whole time!

He should get HER mom to watch the dogs if they are so close. There's zero reason to ignore your mother and then expect her to do you a favor. As my mother was fond of telling me when I was growing up "I may be your mother, but I am not your maid." How thoughtless of him.

Good luck! I hope it gets resolved to your (And your mother's!) liking =)

12-02-2011, 01:48 PM
I went through the same issues with my younger brother not being there for my mom...and eventually my mother passed away and he will live with his regrets. But - as much as I wanted to tell him to change I understood that taking that stance wouldn't do anything to improve the situation between him and my mom, but instead would just create more of a rift between him and I.

I would say it's not your place to say anything to him, especially in that manner. If you do decide to confront him do it coming from a place of love, not of anger. If you confront it the wrong way it will cause more animosity in your family and in turn, more stress and pain for your mother.

12-02-2011, 01:50 PM
Oh, and since he doesn't pay much attention to her life...

he probably isn't aware she was recently diagnosed being....

allergic to dogs.....;)

12-02-2011, 08:42 PM
I'm sure there are kennels open over Christmas, and it won't cost all that much. It may help to mention that to your mother when you're urging her to stand up for herself. I'd begin by telling her all about the wonderful Christmas you're planning with her, and wave away any ideas that she is compelled to be a dog-sitter for a son who barely says hello to her.

12-03-2011, 04:58 AM
Your mom has to handle this herself. She has to tell him to make different arrangements for the dogs. If your brother can afford to leave town over the holidays, then he can afford to leave the dogs in a kennel.

How did your mom go from cast-away mom to dogsitter on demand?
Your brother lacks compassion. He is treating your mom as a doormat at Christmas. He is selfish and has no respect for your mom.

Your mom should let him know she is not interested in being penned up for days in a house with dogs and a pooper scooper during the holiday season.

Is that how a loving son treats his mother? Why isn't he taking his mom on the trip with him so he can show her a good time and they can all enjoy the Holiday Season together?

A friend of mine asked me to take care of her dog for a few weeks while she recuperates from hip surgery. And she is not a close friend. She calls me maybe once a month, and if I go to her house she rarely offers me a cup of coffee.
She is not a giver, she is a taker. And she has the money to kennel her dog.

I do not want a dog in my house and neither do my cats. I have a life with a busy schedule that does not include picking up poop in my yard and cleaning dog urine out of my new carpets. I don't run a free kennel. I was not put on this earth to serve other peoples interests on a whim.

She has numerous relatives she entertains weekly. So I suggested she place her dog with one of them. She said she "didn't want to take advantage of her relatives."

But "taking advantage" of me is OK. LOL

Consciously or unconsciously we all strive to make the kind of a world we like.
~Oliver Wendell Holmes~

12-05-2011, 01:23 PM
I agree that your mom needs to be the one to fight this particular battle; however, going forward, sitting down with your brother and encouraging him to be more active in your mother's life couldn't hurt. I wouldn't do it in a card. You can't make him do it, but you can let him know that you certainly notice his lack of compassion for your mother.

This is such a tough situation; I'm sorry you're in it.

12-05-2011, 01:24 PM
She has numerous relatives she entertains weekly. So I suggested she place her dog with one of them. She said she "didn't want to take advantage of her relatives."

But "taking advantage" of me is OK. LOL

Oh my! That is horrible. What a nasty thing to say. How did you respond?!

Beach Patrol
12-05-2011, 01:44 PM
So, my question is, should I keep my mouth shut or would it be okay for me to send a card to him tactfully stating he needs to pay more attention to our mom???

He's old enough that you shouldn't be "his moral compass". And a xmas card is certainly no good avenue to act as one. JM2C

(Side note: yeah, your bro is being a wanker treating your mom like that!)

12-05-2011, 02:27 PM
My husband has written a 3 page letter to one of his sisters for similar reasons(and some)....but he has never sent it off to her.He had fully intended on it,but writing it all out and letting it sit for a few days helped him get over it.I'd say doing something similar may help,but sending it out may make things even worse and you'll have the potential to feel even more anger if he doesn't respond in a way you'd hope he would.Just a thought.