Weight Loss Support - Ramblings about weight, boyfriend and guilt




racrane
11-30-2011, 01:38 AM
I'm sure others feel the same way I feel. I guess I don't want be alone in this.

When I met my boyfriend I was about 130 lbs and now I'm 180 ish. I feel so terrible that my weight has got to this point. I have struggled with binge eating and it's finally under control for the first time in my life. I am really ready to begin losing weight because I have control.

BUT all it takes is me seeing a picture of me at a thinner weight or my boyfriend slipping he dreams of me from when we first were together (thinner) and I start to cry. I feel so guilty that he has to put up with a girlfriend like me. He loves me and still thinks I"m gorgeous but I just don't know how he can. To me, all I can see is my added weight. I know he doesn't see it that way at all but I do.

Another thing I"ve realized as of late is that I feel scared to be thin again. I'm afraid of guys looking at me again and of people judging me for losing or gaining again. I can't help but worry what people will think.

Any advice for my two worries? Thank you everyone. :)


Bulanova
11-30-2011, 02:24 AM
I'm new here and just browsing around for a little help myself and thought I would offer some in return.

I wish I could say more other than you are far from alone. :( After I got married, I really packed my weight back on. All I think of when we see friends or family is, "They will think, 'oh, typical... As soon as she got married, she let herself go.' " I know I'm wrong and they aren't thinking that, but it doesn't stop the horrible guilt. And I also know how it feels to wonder how your SO could still possibly find you attractive.

The best advice I can give for the guilt situation is try to reverse your roles. We often apply double standards to ourselves. If your boyfriend gained weight, would you still love him? Would you accept him? Would you still find him attractive? I'd bet you'll say yes. It's the same for him.

As for worrying what people will think, the best advice I can give for that would be to do this for yourself. If you're happy and committed, it doesn't matter if guys start to look at you again (truth be told, they probably never stopped). It also doesn't matter what others might think for you to lose or gain weight back. I've found I've imagined some of the most horrible gossip about myself from people that has never taken place. Deep down, I know my real friends don't care if I'm 120 or 420. There ARE petty people out there, but the only way I have ever found to be successful is to manage my weight for myself. Trying to manage it for other people always leads to failure.

Good luck, hon.

Beach Patrol
11-30-2011, 11:06 AM
Ok - let's look at this logically, shall we?

First of all, WHY do you "feel so guilty" that he has to "put up with" a girlfriend like "you"? Do you think the only thing lovable about yourself is your looks? You said all you see is "the added weight" - but I'd bet he sees you for who you really are! Even tho you ARE pretty (if that's you in your avatar) - I bet you have a lot more going for you than just your looks (or thinness) . I bet you have a great sense of humor, you're probably pretty darn smart, and I'd surmise you have some sort of talent you're not admitting (singing? playing an instrument? writing? decorating? painting? something!) and are you compassionate? I bet so! -and that's just for starters.

You said he loves you and still thinks you're gorgeous... so do you think he's lying? Or is there something deep down about yourself that you can't possibly BELIEVE he loves you & thinks your gorgeous? THIS IS A SELF-ESTEEM ISSUE and even when you reach your weight loss goal, you'll still grapple with this. So I'd suggest you work on your self-esteem. There are a myriad of ways to do this: self affirmations, self-help books, therapy, etc. The point is, YOU MUST LEARN TO LOVE YOURSELF. You must! Because honey, you can't get away from yourself. You're with you 24/7, no matter what.

As for being "scared to be thin again" because guys will look at you and people will judge you... well, guess what? WE CANNOT CONTROL WHAT OTHER PEOPLE DO OR THINK. And here's a nice slice of reality for you: 9 out of 10 times, people are NOT thinking anywhere NEAR what we imagine they're thinking. NO.WHERE.NEAR! People are very judgmental, no doubt about that - but they are also pretty much too wrapped up in their own lives to be thinking/worrying about yours. Everybody is walking around, going about their business, living their lives, WORRYING ABOUT THEIR OWN **** entirely too much to be considering YOUR weight.

So here's a suggestion for you: STOP PUTTING YOUR THOUGHTS INTO OTHER PEOPLE'S HEADS. :yes:

And may I say, you are entirely ONE CUTE CHICK!!! - I mean seriously! your cute little hairstyle & your sweet smile - how could ANYBODY think you're not completely adorable? Only a moron!! - and I'd put good money on a bet that your boyfriend is not a moron...else, why would you be with him? ;) :hug:


Unna
11-30-2011, 11:21 AM
Well, you don't need to cry (of course there is nothing wrong with crying) because you can lose the weight. Your weight gain is not permanent.

And people will probably talk. They always talk when people lose or gain. It is always hot gossip. But then they eventually stop talking and move on to the next gossip. So, you might have to endure a few uncomfortable situations, but it will pass pretty quickly.

Anyway, it will get better! I think you can do it - and it really sounds like you are ready to stop overeating and get back to your more normal weight.

There is also a great forum on 3FC for people to talk about binging and control issues - Best of luck!

FatToFitWife
11-30-2011, 12:17 PM
Hey girl, first off ...I can feel your pain. I've gained 40 lbs since I've been married, and I was also already overweight when we got married! Did I mention I've only been married just over a year? Yeah ...imagine how great I feel about that, lol! But what I've realized is my husband lives me for me, as I'm positive your bf does you. Also, this is something we can control and take charge of. The guilt & negative thoughts? Well, that really is just low self esteem we need yo work on. We are here and we are doing it! Keep it up & focus on how awesome you alreasy are & be proud that you're taking control of your health.

JayEll
11-30-2011, 12:23 PM
Just a suggestion that you are not alive on this Earth to please your boyfriend...

If you want to lose weight, lose it for yourself--to be more healthy, to be more active, to feel better.

You may find that boyfriends come and go, but your body is with you always. You can choose to love and care for yourself, or to hate your "flaws" and go around feeling bad all the time. It really is up to you.

Good luck with your plan!
Jay

EagleRiverDee
11-30-2011, 12:33 PM
In the 11 years I've been with my DH, I went from 135 to 225 and now am down to 194. He loved me thin, and even at my heaviest he told me he loved me even more because of our compatibility. And he loves me now. It took me a while to believe that, but now I do.

I understand how you feel, but if your man tells you he loves you, I hope you will believe him. If you want to change, change for you, but don't refuse to let someone love you because you don't feel you deserve it.

ShanIAm
11-30-2011, 12:43 PM
A personal story --

I had stayed in contact with an exboyfriend by phone or text. We dated about 8 years ago for over a year. When he met me I was around 145 pounds but when he dumped me (and cheated on me) I was 185 pounds. I convinced myself that it was all due to the fact I had gained weight and I was no longer attractive. So I coughed it up to him being a shallow jerk and it was his loss! A few months ago, after I had lost around 50 pounds, I reached out to him and asked if he wanted to get together for a beer or two after work. Let me tell you -- he was ALL OVER ME afte about an hour of us hanging out. I made a comment, in a joking-but-I'm-serious type of way, that had I still looked like I did the last time he saw me he wouldn't even want to sit next to me! He looked at me so sad and asked, "Is that what you have thought all these years? That I broke up with you because of your weight?". I said, "Of course. And don't lie and say it wasn't". He went on to explain that the weight gain was the issue but not in the way I thought. He said he was attracted most to my personality and the kind person I was. He said when I gained the weight my personality changed....I was angry all the time....I was becoming very insecure in our relationship....etc. And he was right. I did become a nasty, bitter, insecure person. And THAT was the reason he left.

I tell you this story because of the comment you made about wondering why your boyfriend still finds you attractive. I agree whole heartedly with the other posters who say that he is with you for more than just physical appearance. He is attracted to ALL OF YOU. Please do not let this weight gain get you down because it will change you. Just like it changed me.

As far as what other people say? Well, I'd rather have people talk about how great I am looking by losing weight and then adopt that "I'll show them" attitude by not gaining a pound back! :D Draw strength from their comments!

MusicalAstronaut
11-30-2011, 12:55 PM
I'm afraid I don't have any advice, just empathy. :/ Unlike you, I was never thin. But that just makes me even more afraid to be thin! I'm afraid of change, and I'm afraid of losing weight and gaining it back again. I can't imagine people will be nice about that. :/

jayohwhy
11-30-2011, 01:44 PM
i understand where you are coming from. when we first got married, i packed on the love chub and felt horrible about myself. because i felt horrible, i projected that on to my husband and it became "how could he want me when i look so bad".

i realized though, that my weight, whether high or low, most greatly impacts me, and not others. it gets very complicated when you start thinking about how other people will think of you or treat you.

just think about this-- do you want this? how do you want yourself to look? your health, your body, is primarily for you.

i do that and try not to worry about the rest

racrane
11-30-2011, 02:45 PM
Thank you everyone so much for your advice. Every single one of you has great things/advice to say. (And that is me in the avatar, though at a flattering angle.)

Anyway, I am very lucky to have a great boyfriend. I am trying to understand that he really is with me for bigger reasons than just my weight - for instance, we gel very well as a couple.

But though my eating disorder behaviors really have diminished, my self-esteem I really do need to work on. I think my weight reflected how I felt about myself. I hated myself and so I kind of "punished" it by stuffing myself.

Anyway, I am so scared of what other people think and that doesn't benefit me at all! I know I hated it when I was thinner and people liked me then. I felt so insecure - why would they like me? It's something I have to deal with - I have to be okay with people liking me.

Sorry for my rambling on. Thank you everyone. Any more advice would be appreciated. :)

Mimzzy
11-30-2011, 07:21 PM
I feel you hun! When I met my boyfriend I was probably in the 140's, a little chubby for my height but not to bad. After 2yrs I ballooned out to 180lbs at my known heaviest. I felt horrible like I had somehow been failing at life, I could only imagine how my boyfriend felt about his now fat girlfriend. I mean, If I was disgusted with my body how could he not be right? No. My boyfriend said he barely noticed the extra weight (even though it was almost 50lbs)!

Your boyfriend wants to be with you or he wouldn't be. It may sound harsh but its true. He doesn't see you as a fat girl, gross and I bet he doesn't think you "let yourself go". Regardless of what you think/see he loves for you so many things, not just your physical appearance. Just like my boyfriend I bet he thinks your beautiful at ANY size. Don't let your insecurities make you think any different. I hope that you believe him when he tells you he loves you because he wouldn't say it if he didn't mean it.

Don't be scared to be healthy! It's a logical fear, humans are not good at change. If things could remain the same forever I often think we would prefer it. I think you should do some deep thinking and think about your reasons for wanting to lose weight again. Make sure this is for you and you only. Change is not always a bad thing :D As for the unwanted attention, just ignore people. People can be crude but try not to let it get to you. It doesn't matter what they think ( This comes from someone who has a severe case of S.A.D or Social Anxiety Disorder, I too have a extremely hard time going into public and feeling comfortable). To be honest, the people you think are looking at you probably aren't. Do you ever remember the person you saw at the grocery store or walking down the road? Not usually. Same goes for everyone else, even though we think differently.

BTW I think your gorgeous! Look at that beautiful smile!

shcirerf
11-30-2011, 10:02 PM
I do understand where you are coming from. Been there, done that. As long as you continue in this mind set, the people around you will manipulate it, whether they mean to or not.

Being much older and wiser, I can tell you, guilt and shame are useless emotions, and the only person that gets hurt is you.

My father, who passed away 35 years ago, was and still is my biggest inspiration, because, he didn't give 2 hoots what folks thought about him. His favorite saying, was, "If they're talking about me, they're leaving someone else alone, and I KNOW what I've been doing, and I was on the right page, so let them blab.

Sometimes, we are harder on ourselves than the rest of the world is, and sometimes, we just need to put on our big girl panties and get on with it, and quit being a victim and be a survivor and conquerer!

racrane
11-30-2011, 10:04 PM
I feel you hun! When I met my boyfriend I was probably in the 140's, a little chubby for my height but not to bad. After 2yrs I ballooned out to 180lbs at my known heaviest. I felt horrible like I had somehow been failing at life, I could only imagine how my boyfriend felt about his now fat girlfriend. I mean, If I was disgusted with my body how could he not be right? No. My boyfriend said he barely noticed the extra weight (even though it was almost 50lbs)!

Your boyfriend wants to be with you or he wouldn't be. It may sound harsh but its true. He doesn't see you as a fat girl, gross and I bet he doesn't think you "let yourself go". Regardless of what you think/see he loves for you so many things, not just your physical appearance. Just like my boyfriend I bet he thinks your beautiful at ANY size. Don't let your insecurities make you think any different. I hope that you believe him when he tells you he loves you because he wouldn't say it if he didn't mean it.

Don't be scared to be healthy! It's a logical fear, humans are not good at change. If things could remain the same forever I often think we would prefer it. I think you should do some deep thinking and think about your reasons for wanting to lose weight again. Make sure this is for you and you only. Change is not always a bad thing :D As for the unwanted attention, just ignore people. People can be crude but try not to let it get to you. It doesn't matter what they think ( This comes from someone who has a severe case of S.A.D or Social Anxiety Disorder, I too have a extremely hard time going into public and feeling comfortable). To be honest, the people you think are looking at you probably aren't. Do you ever remember the person you saw at the grocery store or walking down the road? Not usually. Same goes for everyone else, even though we think differently.

BTW I think your gorgeous! Look at that beautiful smile!

This also helped me. Thank you so much! <3

sontaikle
11-30-2011, 10:26 PM
Everyone here has given you wonderful advice. All I can really add (which really isn't adding anything) is that you must learn to love yourself before you can have a healthy relationship. It doesn't matter what you weigh, you are a person and you are worth it. Your boyfriend loves you for WHO YOU ARE because you are a beautiful person (both inside and out!).

I know that loving yourself is easier said than done and often requires a long and painful journey to arrive there.

I guess it must be different for you folks who were thin once and then gained weight. I actually envy you all because I don't have a frame of reference to go by when it comes to losing weight. Sure, I'm almost at my arbitrarily set goal, but I don't know if I can go lower or how I'll look lower than this or if I should stay here. I was overweight and obese my entire life—I don't know what it's like to be thin. I DO know what it's like to hate yourself because of the weight.

I hated myself quite a bit. I wished I could just be thin like the other girls. Clothes shopping was **** and I would usually leave the store crying and wishing I could disappear. I was a bit of a tomboy which didn't help me make friends at all. The girls didn't have the same interests as me and the boys didn't want to have anything to do with a "fat girl." I was excluded from everything by the other girls as they talked about me behind my back and it left me suicidal.

I just wished I could disappear or die because I thought I was somehow less than a person because I was fat. Over time I slowly began to realize that it shouldn't matter how much I weigh. It shouldn't matter what I look like and that I was a person and I mattered. In my life I saw beautiful, confident fat women—some of whom were the most popular girls in school—who were surrounded by people. They loved themselves and weren't afraid to show it regardless of their weight!

I remember when I met my fiancee in college. I was 200 pounds and I could barely understand why a handsome tall guy like him would pursue a woman like me. I pushed those thoughts aside though and went ahead with it. We were together three years before I started losing weight and if I bring up my weight he just laughs at me and says that I'm silly because he finds me attractive regardless. Even now he's barely commented on my weight loss unless it's something like "I can feel your bones."

I wouldn't have met him if I had stayed the way I was in middle school. When I began to love myself I met wonderful people and made wonderful friends and met the man I'm going to marry. All of this happened when I was 200 pounds and virtually nothing has changed now that I'm 136 pounds. I'm still the same person (just smaller) and therefore my friends and loved ones are still there for me. Losing weight hasn't made me a better and more confident person...I did that years ago without losing weight.

I really don't know where I'm going with all of this...I'm kind of rambling. Just know that I've been there. I've questioned friends who would stick by a fat person and I've questioned boyfriends who would stick around a fat girl. In the end though it was the change on the inside that let me have the wonderful life I have now...the change on the outside was just the icing on the cake.

racrane
12-01-2011, 04:24 PM
Thank you Sontaikle. I really appreciate it. :)

My boyfriend really hasn't commented on my appearance except when I complain about it. He even states he worships my body no matter my weight so I really shouldn't worry about that at all. (I just don't know how he can say that sometimes) It's something I have to deal with. I have been exercising more lately but doing more kickboxing and I have to say I love it. I feel stronger than just doing the stairmaster.