General chatter - hmm...now less fat..still ugly?




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SLIMplicity
11-30-2011, 12:33 AM
Hi,

Ever notice that you can lose the weight but can't change your looks?

I'm feeling hopelessly ugly these days..I'm also remembering some of the reasons why I gained weight to begin with. Feels hopeless to keep trying..I realize this sounds very shallow and vain. I am aware of the benefits to my health by losing weight..

My body is so weird..at least in my super fatness I could hid it better. The more I lose weight the more "real" body emerges..and its kinda of a let down.. :(

Not everyone it beautiful... everyone can lose weight if they want..
but you can't change how beautiful, pretty, attractive you are.....

Any thoughts on this?


124chicksinger
11-30-2011, 01:09 AM
Ever watch the t.v. show "How do I look?" Forget that they throw out an old wardrobe--that is small potatoes. They change the hair style, sometimes the color and redo the makeup and---voila---amazing transformation. Follow this link in particular and see a young lady named Sakari. All she needed was a hairdo and makeup to take her from....before....to AMAZING. Okay, the clothing didn't hurt either. Mind you--she lost NO weight. Same size; completely different girl after. You can be amazing. Maybe you are already amazing and just don't know it. We are our own worst critics.

http://www.mystyle.com/mystyle/photos/gallery.jsp?galleryUUID=167#12218

You can change anything you want about your looks. Clothes. Makeup. Hair style. Hair color. Those are easy. Losing weight is harder...and so is surgery (boobs, nose, filler, botox, lifts, tucks, etc.) but those also are options.

Don't be so uncomfortable in your own skin that you call yourself ugly. Tight hugs to you.

DesertTabby
11-30-2011, 03:27 AM
You won't know how you actually look (especially your body) unless you've lost all the weight that you plan on losing. Go look at the board in Maintainers about Body Image. Most people there still suffer from 'phantom fat' or poor body image too, but a lot of them are no longer as low as when they first began the weight loss journey. They rebuilt parts of their self-esteem during their journey of weight loss. Some still have that niggling voice in the back of their heads but at least now its easier to drown it out. ****, I have that voice - I think its that voice that got us to our heaviest! You may not build your self confidence up completely but hopefully by the end of your journey you will be in a better place than when you began, just like those people in Maintainers.

Don't give up and don't give in to those voices. We're here for you. :grouphug:


popspry
11-30-2011, 03:32 AM
I always feel this way. Whenever I read a post about how the women here hate all the attention men give them now that they are thin I want to seriously cry because no men ever hit on me, not at nearly 200 pounds and not now, at almost 150. Some people have to be the unattractive ones, and unfortenately I'm one of them.

runningfromfat
11-30-2011, 08:49 AM
Honestly? With the right hair/makeup and clothes you can look AMAZING. I'm a big fan of all those makeover reality shows (What not to wear is probably my favorite, though). They're fun to watch and it just goes to show that the way you take care of yourself and carry yourself makes a HUGE difference.

Sure, we might not all look like supermodels but that would be boring. :lol: That doesn't mean that we can't find a partner to love and cherish us for who we are.

I know this is going to sound cheesy but I find my husband attractive no matter his weight, no matter what he's wearing because I know HIM. HE's what I was attracted to in the first place, his personality, his humor, the whole package. I do find him physically attractive but I'm sure not every women out there does (and I'm pretty thankful for that honestly! :lol: ). We don't NEED to be attractive to everyone, that's an impossibly high standard. What we do need to do is learn to love ourselves (seriously, I know it's not always the easiest thing in the world..) but focus on your good qualities, we ALL have them.

MariaMaria
11-30-2011, 01:44 PM
Being perceived as beautiful is more about grooming than raw material.

EagleRiverDee
11-30-2011, 01:56 PM
I understand. I am not an attractive person, and I'm aware of it. Mostly I go through life okay with that, except for on the occasion where some unkind person feels the need to point out that I'm unattractive.

But you know, some of the most interesting people I've ever met weren't really attractive, but they just were magnetic. I've particularly met a lot of women 50+ that had reached the point where they were just comfortable with themselves and even if their teeth were messed up or they had aged poorly and were all wrinkly, they were just so darned interesting. I think I'd rather be interesting and surrounded with friends than attractive anyway. So that's my goal. LOL.

dragonwoman64
11-30-2011, 03:15 PM
I understand. I am not an attractive person, and I'm aware of it. Mostly I go through life okay with that, except for on the occasion where some unkind person feels the need to point out that I'm unattractive.

But you know, some of the most interesting people I've ever met weren't really attractive, but they just were magnetic. I've particularly met a lot of women 50+ that had reached the point where they were just comfortable with themselves and even if their teeth were messed up or they had aged poorly and were all wrinkly, they were just so darned interesting. I think I'd rather be interesting and surrounded with friends than attractive anyway. So that's my goal. LOL.

first of all, if that's your pic, I very much disagree.

I do think people pick up on whether we think we're attractive or not, and react accordingly. most of us fall into a middle category between hideously ugly and hottest of goddesses.

I totally agree with the rest of your post, about magnetism and strength of personality. We all have to make the most of what we have, accentuate our positives. a good spirit goes a long way too.

theox
11-30-2011, 03:47 PM
Well:

1. At 240 you're still a long way from looking how you'll look at 160.
2. Even if you are ugly - so what? It might make some things more difficult and some people might be jerks to you about it, but being ugly doesn't mean that you're a bad person or that you're doomed to a bad life. You're probably average or above average in other qualities that you can use to get what you need and want.
3. The other posters are right - even if you don't magically start looking like a supermodel, a good haircut, some flattering clothing, and some tasteful makeup can really highlight a person's best attributes. And personality and confidence do count for a lot in how people perceive each other.

theox
11-30-2011, 03:49 PM
first of all, if that's your pic, I very much disagree.

I also disagree. I also don't think aka8941 is ugly, either. You guys are too hard on yourselves.

kateleestar
11-30-2011, 04:00 PM
They say "we are our own worst critics" and its true. Things we see in the mirror and look way too closely at are things that most people arent giving a second look.

I think as a child I was loved too much or something, and now sometimes I'm overconfident, lol. Even now, even at my heaviest, I would still be all 'ooo, good hair day!' or 'im so cute!' or pretty or whatever. I talk myself up to myself, because who else is gonna do it? If no one wants to be my cheerleader, I WILL BE MY CHEERLEADER, because darnit, I'm awesome.

Tell yourself that. Tell yourself how awesome/pretty/hot/wonderful you are every.single.day. And MEAN IT. You can change your outlook on things, but it is all - just like weightloss - up to YOU.

:)

And I have to agree with the above posters, go out and get yo' hair did! Go to a makeup counter (or sephora) and have them do your makeup how it should be done, not just how you've always done it. Hair can change a person, and make you feel 1000% better about yourself! :D

free1
11-30-2011, 04:00 PM
HAD TO RESPOND....

How do you define "unattractive"? Who set the definition? AND WHY ARE WE LISTENING TO THEM? Beauty comes in all forms, I may not be Julia Roberts beautiful but I'm my kind of beautiful. I think my nose is to big, my eyebrows too thick and my eyes are too far apart but I am still BEAUTIFUL in the way that God intended.

Don't mean to get preachy but there's a scripture that says "I am fearfully and wonderfully made." I believe that...although I may not look like any of the magazine covers.

MusicalAstronaut
11-30-2011, 04:13 PM
I feel that way too. I always felt like once I finished losing weight beauty would come with that. But now that I've been losing weight I've sort of been hyper aware of how other people look, and I realized, almost no one is "perfectly beautiful". I talked to my boyfriend about it and he was basically like "well, duh!" but I never realized it. I think everyone is way too hard on themselves. I know I definitely am. I mean, heck, I'm halfway to my goal and when I look in the mirror I don't see a difference! What does that tell you about me?

I also agree with the other replies; clothes/makeup/hair styles can really change how you look. I don't enjoy wearing makeup but I do feel prettier when I wear it. Who knows, maybe when I hit goal I'll buy one of those expensive makeup kits. :P

Sinoia
11-30-2011, 04:17 PM
Call me odd but I thought Sakari looked dead cute in the before picture, in fact better than in the after one!

Someone said (hate that but I cannot recall... romance author, always wore pink and was chubby) "You can either look fat or old". I tested this out on a lot of friends who said that they would prefer to look old. At 60, losing weight and seeing the jowls and armwings flapping alarmingly with each pound lost, I am resigned to looking old. Why? Because I am getting old and that is just fine. Looking fat is not what bothers me, though. I am not losing weight to look better (good thing you may say!) I am losing it to be fitter and healthier.

No one should think themselves ugly, no matter what. Attractiveness is so subjective and often based on wrong principles ... mostly to do with which particular brandname wants to make money out of people's self-image misconceptions.

I am not attractive in any sense and every now and then I feel bad in my clothes, then I remind myself I am my own worst enemy. My partner adores me and if I think less of myself than she does, I am insulting her by dismissing her opinion and feelings.

Be kinder to yourself. You don't have to primp and turn out like Miss World. If that is all on which a mate bases his or her attraction to you then it is superficial. Hackneyed as it may be, the real gorgeous you is what a true partner will see, and that is really all you need on display and not covered in cosmetics!

unpretty
12-01-2011, 09:31 AM
You probably just need a makeover to bring out your best features. If you've lost the weight, you deserve it. Treat yourself to a new hair colour/style, new clothes, and start wearing some makeup. I think you can take inexpensive makeup application classes if you're not too sure how to put it on. It's easy :)

carter
12-01-2011, 10:31 AM
Call me odd but I thought Sakari looked dead cute in the before picture, in fact better than in the after one!

You aren't weird; that entire makeover gallery made me angry - they erased every trace of individuality from those women and made them all look identical - blonde highlights and cocktail dresses for everyone! Ridiculous.

What it underscores for me, and hopefully for the original poster as well, is that one woman's "unattractive" is another's "attractive". Some folks looked at that makeover gallery and thought all the after pictures were great. I looked at that gallery, and thought the after pictures were generic and boring - I wouldn't even notice those "after" women in a crowd, but many of the "befores" looked like people I'd want to talk to.

There is more than one way to be striking and beautiful, and just because you don't look like person X, person Y, or person Z, doesn't mean you aren't lovely, it doesn't mean that who you are as an individual doesn't shine through and make you lovely, regardless of whether you meet some manufactured standard of beauty.

HikingChloe
12-01-2011, 10:51 AM
Hello. Yes, I am someone who is not particularly attractive and changing my body hasn't changed that. It didn't change my attractiveness to the opposite sex one bit. LOL!

On the flip side I am healthy, strong, and taking care of myself. I believe in kindness and life. My body is aging and will continue to age and that is OK.

You are on a fantastic journey and have already lost a lot of weight with more yet to go. Who knows how that will feel and how YOU will feel as you get comfortable with it later on. You are doing wonderful. :)

Thighs Be Gone
12-01-2011, 11:01 AM
You aren't far enough into your process just yet. KEEP GOING! Are you working out and getting the rush of feeling powerful? I have NEVER seen a woman that was fit and strong that I didn't think fit somewhere on the scale of attractive! You WILL get there. Absolutely, keep going.

Looking attractive can be likened to decorating a home or cooking. Some people have the looks from the very beginning and never really understand the concept of "making the best of what ya got." Some women have to experiment and alter and change until they "get it right." That's ME! :)

Now, with comparing it to cooking and decorating--It's the same as putting together a meal with the ingredients you have on hand. It may be harder than going to the market and buying 12 specialized ingredients for one dish BUT it will still be decadent and delicious if you know how to cook! Through the years I have seen some women with GORGEOUS houses--some have spent an absolute MINT and others have bought from thrift stores and garage sales. The key is that the latter know HOW to decorate---they don't have to spend a mint. They just move things around, change this or change that until the room is right.

KEEP MOVING THINGS AROUND. KEEP EXPERIMENTING. Make the best of what ya got and you will ROCK your look!

Thighs Be Gone
12-01-2011, 11:04 AM
..ONE MORE THING! I disagree that you can't change how attractive you are! With clean eating and lots of water, exercise, and sunshine you absolutely CAN become more attractive! Absolutely NO doubt about it.

mhill0823
12-01-2011, 07:44 PM
I think that being ugly is all in someones head! Once you get to your goal and realize how much work you have put into it, you will see yourself as a whole new person!
Don't change who you are, just embrace it!!!
I'm sure you are absolutely Beautiful!!!

SLIMplicity
12-01-2011, 10:15 PM
Thank you all for your thoughtful and encouraging posts!:thanks: I posted a pic of my beautiful self in my profile, hopefully y'all can check me out HAHA! just took it now with my webcam, messy hair and all!:lol:

I was having an ugly day... I do truly wonder about the whole beauty thing. I have some beautiful friends and they always get the attention and admiration from all the men.
Sometimes when I'm newly dating I don't want to expose my date to these beautiful woman, in fear of being left behind as they walk off into the sunset.. LOL crazy.. I know. :dizzy:

I had a best-friend in high school who did this to me. She basically stole my man and now 15 years later it still haunts me. My insecurities get the better of me these days. As I lose weight so many old insecurities crop up, especially about looks and how we are perceived on the outside.

I do date and men do find me somewhat attractive, I guess..
but deep down I feel as if I'm the booby prize (pun intended)..as they have settled for second best and they are waiting for someone better to come along...

I realize that I have many issues in my self esteem that I need to work on that. The voice in my head is pretty loud and makes me all the more self-hating.

I do have days of feeling powerful and really just great about myself.
Since I have started exercising more, it does feel great. I love it! When I'm outside walking, I have a bounce in my step and I think people take notice. It does make me feel happier.

I do have a ways to go and will continue to reflect...

Right now I feel more powerful, more confident and -yes even beautiful..in my own way.

Again thanks all..

EagleRiverDee
12-01-2011, 10:55 PM
I completely understand. BTW, I think you look fine. But I know where you're coming from and maybe you and I both get the impression we aren't attractive for the same reason- the way the opposite sex reacts to us.

Part of the reason I'm convinced I'm unattractive is that while someone may flirt with me in an email or over the phone, NO ONE ever flirts with me in person. EVER. The last time a man flirted with me in person was about 11 years ago. I've also had some very hurtful things said to me in these past 11 years that make me certain that some men find me downright ugly, some to my face and some that I just overheard.

I try not to let it get me down. I've got a good life, I'm happy usually and I am managing to lose some weight (albeit very slowly!) and so I'm getting healthier.

mhill0823
12-01-2011, 11:07 PM
I think you're Beautiful!!!! Everyone has those days, I completely understand! I've gotten to the point now that it's been so long since a man was flirty with me that when it does happen I think they are like joking with me or something, I have to work on that! lol

Serval87
12-02-2011, 05:09 AM
It's a rarity for me to feel cute ... let alone pretty/beautiful, so I know exactly how you feel. I don't feel like I have a good personality, either, but I'm working on that. I do, however, have several talents that I think of as above average, so I'd rather be ugly and talented than beautiful and boring.

As for everyone that's said they look ugly on this post, I DISAGREE! :)

Cali Doll
12-02-2011, 08:22 AM
Well:

1. At 240 you're still a long way from looking how you'll look at 160.
2. Even if you are ugly - so what? It might make some things more difficult and some people might be jerks to you about it, but being ugly doesn't mean that you're a bad person or that you're doomed to a bad life. You're probably average or above average in other qualities that you can use to get what you need and want.
3. The other posters are right - even if you don't magically start looking like a supermodel, a good haircut, some flattering clothing, and some tasteful makeup can really highlight a person's best attributes. And personality and confidence do count for a lot in how people perceive each other.

The best advice!

DezziePS
12-03-2011, 12:11 AM
First: I know what you mean and greatly sympathize. You are doing great on your loss so far, but let me just say that you're still pretty far away from your goal (which is the same as mine and we're the same height). One of the things that comforts me is looking at some of the before/during/after pics on this website. It seems like there are a lot of pics where people look similarly proportioned to me now and me when I was heavier during their journey, but when they get to their goal weight, they look amazing. I think part of it is that when you're losing weight, you don't have control over where you lose it and sometimes it comes off in weird places for a while before you lose enough to "even out."

That said, a couple of years ago I was reading an old essay that Gloria Steinem wrote. At the end, she said that Eleanor Roosevelt, at the end of her life, was once asked if she had any regrets, and she said, "Yes. Only one. I wish I was prettier." Steinem said that it was such a shame that that's how she saw her life- this woman who had done all these amazing things and really changed the world, and what she regretted was that she wasn't prettier! She said something along the lines of that regret not being worthy of Eleanor Roosevelt, and not worthy of any of us.

tessilette
12-03-2011, 12:30 AM
I think you are being too hard on yourself. My advice would be to focus on the things you like about yourself and stop worrying about the things you don't.
And remember; Beauty is in the eye of the beholder.

swtbttrfly23
12-07-2011, 01:53 PM
I definitely know what you mean. I wish I could reach through the internet and give you ladies giant hugs. I know this feeling all too well. But these are the things that I've come to grips with and come to understand about the situation:

1. "Attractive" means the WORLD more than just looks. It's your demeanor, it's your attitude, it's the way you make the rest of the world feel. I think often 'attraction' is seen as purely physical, but let's be honest, people can be attracted to all sorts of things for all sorts of reasons. This makes me think of the movie "Run, Fatboy, Run" (a fantastic movie with Simon Pegg, if you've never seen it, I highly recommend it!!). In it, there is an adorable little boy with a crush on a little girl. "She looks like a tree frog", he explains to his dad. "And I like tree frogs".

2. I think that a lot of the time it's not so much that you're ugly, it's that you're average and your mind puts a bad spin on it. I've come to grips with the fact that I will never like any pictures of myself, or at the very least it takes me years to think I look alright in them. But when I look into a mirror and smile, I do think that I am cute. I'm cute because I look like me. And for a long time I just saw the flaws (really like I still do when it comes to photos), but now I make a point to notice the little things that I like-my little dimples (including a newly emerging dimple on the other side of my face!), my oversized cheeks that make me look like I'm always happy, my eyes that practically glow out of my head and change into a range of blues, greens, and greys depending on what I wear. But I still feel, when I look at photos, that I'm ugly. I have come to terms with the fact that I will never look at myself objectively in a photograph, or on a webcam, and that through other "eyes" I'll always find myself ugly. But what I feel when I look at myself through my own eyes, is adorably cute. So I'm going with that instead :-)

Pudgebrownie
12-07-2011, 02:12 PM
What is beauty?


I think the definition of beauty and what people find attractive greatly varies from what's culturally acceptable to the eye-of-the-beholder. What my DH finds attractive about me, may not be what others find attractive. What you may perceive as "ugly" may very well be beautiful to another. What it boils down to is that achieving attractiveness is not exclusive to physical attributes. Yes, it's apart of it - a part of it - not all of it!


Don't beat yourself up! I like some of the other suggestions. Maybe give yourself a day of pampering? Treat yourself to a little makeover of your choice. Get your nails done, or maybe get a freshened up hairstyle?


Warm vibes <3

Chubbykins
12-07-2011, 06:35 PM
As long as you don't miss a nose or have some huge blistering scar across your face you can't be ugly.

Beauty is just a measure of how easily you sexually attract others. Even when people admire physical beauty without sexual intentions it is a by-product of how desirable we want to be to third parties.

To be sexually attractive there are three basic rules in nature:
a. Look healthy. This includes having a healthy weight, being clean and having no evident marks of illness.
b. Being symmetrical to a certain extend. If one half of your body looks pretty much like the other you're ok!
c. Being confident! A woman with confidense that shows off the best of her and downplays the negative is an instant turn on to most people. Many woman the score lower in the first two points can easily overcome others when they show confidense.

If you think you are still ugly after reading the three points you can still work on it, especially your confidense.