Weight Loss Support - Why Does He Do This! Boyfriend Rant.




Mimzzy
11-28-2011, 02:53 PM
This could get long, please bare with me! :D

My boyfriend originally started this weight loss journey with me. Most of that time we spent eating out and gaining "love" chub plus some. I got on the scale one day and had hit 177lbs! Ouch! I started watching what I ate and he followed suit and started working out with me. It was great at first, when I didn't want to stay on track he would talk me out of eating and when he wanted something I could do the same.

It came to and end when he hit his goal. He didn't have as much weight to lose as me and since men lose quicker then women it happened pretty rapidly. He then told me that now he wanted to tone up. Since then though he has started to eat uncontrollably! In one day he will have toast with caramel spread on it, several suckers, several candies, waffles with cinnamon spread on them and so on. He has gained back 3 -4lbs in a month, he just laughs it off! Luckily I have stayed strong and have not touched any of those foods but he makes it so hard! Every time he gets up to get yet another thing he will ask me if I want anything, when I reply "No" he asks again! Him and I have talked about this as well, I asked him nicely to not ask me if I want it because It makes me want to say yes. He told me he would stop but every night right after dinner now he asks "do you want anything?" "are you still hungry" while he is making his goodies! He his consciously doing it as well! It baffles me, how can he actually not care? Last night is a perfect example of this - We had our dinner, it was delicious. He told me how full he was while rubbing his stomach. Not even 5mins later he turns, looks into the kitchen, looks at me and says "mmmmmmmmmm caramel dip, do you want anything?" When I said "No, I'm full" he said "Are you sure? I'm full to but I want some caramel spread" CAN YOU BELIEVE IT?!

His idea of working out is also playing Kinect sports on the xbox :dz: He is not even doing the hard events like track and field, he does bowling and table tennis... Seriously? I am running my a** off on the treadmill, and he is playing video games. After that he seriously tells me how "hard" it is and how he is so tired because he played for the whole hour! Ummmm, excuse me? Your tired?! Who is the one who just ran over 4 miles on the da** treadmill!?! UGH! It makes me so mad to see him put so little effort in and talk like he is working his butt off. He recently started P90X and for the first day was all into it! Although he still refused to give up his candy habit because the nutrition plan they give was "stupid" :dizzy: When he actually did his first video though that all stopped. He would half a** the moves and then just stand there and stare at the video" After that he told me how hard he worked out. Let me tell you, the amount of effort he put into it was laughable! Yesterday was the same thing, I was doing intervals on the treadmill and he was doing his video (kinda). After he told me all kinds of great things! He was so tired, the guy on the video said that was the hardest work out in the series, he was shaking and so on. When I said something like "Yeah, the intervals kicked me butt today" he looked at me dumb founded and said "well, how long did it take you? I thought there would be more running" WHAT!!!!! My intervals were this my recovery jog would be 5mph for 1 min and I would sprint at my hardest for 30 seconds at 8mph. I just started doing it so I am working my way up but I thought it was pretty good! Guess I was wrong.

I felt horrible when he said that! I have never told him his effort was laughable and he will never get toned eating like he is! Well..... I may have told him some of it after he said that to me yesterday but he deserved everything he got! It still didn't change anything though, the boy will use ANYTHING for an excuse to eat. Including bedroom "activities" if you catch my drift. First thing he does after is say "mmmmmmm, it always makes me hungry" and goes to the fridge. Its 11PM!! AHHH. I have told him he doesn't have to work out with me and that if he wants to eat crap then go ahead but stop doing it around me. He assures me he wants to eat "healthy" and wants to work out still. I am just going to stay strong but I am so freakin annoyed right now.

Thanks for listening everyone, I'm sorry it was so long.


rubidoux
11-28-2011, 03:27 PM
I'm sorry! It sounds like you're super frustrated with him.

Maybe you have to decide that, whether he says he is or not, the truth is that he isn't into the whole weight loss/fitness thing now. I am very motivated right now, but I haven't always been (obviously!). If my husband had tried to push me in this at a time that I wasn't feeling it, that would have been really disastrous to our relationship. There have been times since I started losing where he's worried that I wasn't going to stay on my diet. Well, he has learned to keep those fears to himself! That is just not okay in my book. This is all about me. It's not about trying to make myself look better for him. It's all about me and I kind of think that's how it should be. So, I feel like I want to come to your boyfriend's defense.

I do think you have the right to ask that foods that are going to be too tempting to you not be brought into the house. Maybe there's some sugary food that he loves for a midnight snack that you aren't that keen on? Or maybe he needs to keep his stash of crap hidden and not eat it around you. Have you sat him down and talked seriously with him about it, not just in anger after he said that (I agree very obnoxious) comment about your intervals? If not I would try again and make sure that he understands that you *need* him to respect your needs.

But I would really try to divorce myself from his weight/fitness issues if I was you. And at four pounds overweight I'm not sure that I'd be taking it more seriously than he is.

ShanIAm
11-28-2011, 03:29 PM
I had a boyfriend once that used to get VERY upset if he couldn't feed me all the time. He was a chef and he said that cooking for someone is his way of showing love and that when I refused his dessert after a heafty meal, I was rejecting his love.

Whatever.

The truth is is that he became terribly threatened by my losing weight. Because he thought that if I became more attractive to the opposite sex I'd dump him as soon as I realized I had better options.

I'm not saying this is the case with your boyfriend. In fact, if you two enjoyed putting weight on together he may still associate eating together as having fun together. He may just be trying to revive those fun eating times you two shared together.

But you will never know why unless you pointedly tell him - "Hey babe. I really appreciate you offering to get me something but I'm in the middle of making some life changes to get healthy. It will really help me out if you didn't ask me. If anything, I view you asking me if I want food as being more disrespectful than if you didn't ask me at all. Can you do this for me?". If he says yes but continues with the same behavior then straight out ask him why he is not supporting you and/or respecting your food boundries.

With that said, I applaud you for saying NO! *clap clap clap* :D


jayohwhy
11-28-2011, 03:37 PM
i'm sorry that he is being so frustrating.

For me, i've had to make it so that my actions are independent from his. My husband knows that I am being strict with my calories and will offer me things and I will just have to say no. He knows that I would like him to be healthy, and I do make it a point to have healthy food around and talk about my calories, but everything is his choice. However, my husband has never had a weight problem. He has gained love chub since being with me, but he is still thin (which can be annoying). :/

BigCanadian
11-28-2011, 03:48 PM
Your boyfriend is in denial. And likely getting off on the attention, if you are showing it.
Congrats on the weight you've lost so far.
Don't let him bring you down, the scale doesn't lie.

Mimzzy
11-28-2011, 04:02 PM
rubidoux - I may have not said this clearly enough but I have given him an out. When we sat down and had a serious talk about it I told him he did not have to work out with me if he didn't want to and that he could eat whatever he wants as long as he didn't eat it around me. He has complete control of what he eats, when he eats and if he works out. I am not pushing him in any way, shape or form. It has absolutely nothing to do with him looking better for me and I'm a little upset you seem to think I am pushing him into looking better for my own benefit. As for the 4lbs, No 4lbs is not a big deal. That's not the point I was trying to get across, the point was that he complains about gaining and then eats like he eats. Which is annoying to say to least.

Yes, we have talked about it. I don't know if he is not listening or if he forgets but it never works. Even when I give him examples of what to do for me that do not include food he just constantly wants me to eat. Its a frustrating circle.

InsideMe
11-28-2011, 04:17 PM
Girl all I can say is this:

1) you have talked to him
2) it's his ****
3) you keep on track
4) leave the room or join a gym and go somewhere else to workout so you don't have to deal with his denial

As much as you both were in this together, and obviously he's not trying to maintain or encourage you to keep going, instead he asks you if you want food from the kitchen.....ignore it. If you are tired of talking, communicating and you feel you have expressed yourself fully to him and nothing changes, then really there isn't much more you can do but ignore it and keep doing what your doing for yourself. You can't talk to a brick wall. You can't make him get back on track. Those are all his choices.

My GF is the same way (thank God we don't live together!) cause all she does is ***** and complain she has to lose weight and the next thing she's eating is a friggin whopper! So I feel for ya. Hang in there!

EagleRiverDee
11-28-2011, 04:37 PM
To me, it sounds like both of you need to start supporting each other better.

He's not supporting you on your diet, and in fact is sabotaging it. He also isn't being positive about your workouts.

On the flip side, you're completely down on his dietary choices and on his workout intensity.

You both need to stop it. He needs your support, and you need his. You can't control his behavior but you can control yours. At the very minimum, I would do two things if I were you. One, stop being so judgmental about his diet and exercise program. That's on him and you need to be just as loving and supportive of him as you want him to be of you. Two, tell him again- and as many times as it takes- to stop sabotaging your diet and to stop minimizing how hard you are working. Perhaps he'll be more receptive to that when you begin acting more supportive of him.

JOLINA
11-28-2011, 04:37 PM
It sounds to me that he prefers the lifestyle of a couch potato. He is looking for an eating buddy :corn: ...someone to be fat and happy with. :cheers:
:cofdate:

He wants to be thin but does not want to put the time and effort into it. :hun:

Your lifestyles are at odds, and he might start acting jealous soon. Accusing you of looking for someone else.

Just keep working on your diet and remaining healthy. Time will sort out everything for you.


YOU HAVE THREE CHOICES:
YOU CAN GIVE UP,
GIVE IN,
OR GIVE IT YOUR ALL.

rubidoux
11-28-2011, 04:42 PM
It has absolutely nothing to do with him looking better for me and I'm a little upset you seem to think I am pushing him into looking better for my own benefit. As for the 4lbs, No 4lbs is not a big deal. That's not the point I was trying to get across, the point was that he complains about gaining and then eats like he eats. Which is annoying to say to least.


I'm sorry, Isis. I really didn't mean to imply that was what you were thinking. That is something that my husband has thought at times when he's been pushy about this subject with me, which probably leads me to feeling more prickly about it than I would otherwise. But I do think it (being encouraged to lose weight/eat better/exercise) is something that people do get prickly about, so I was just thinking maybe you'd each feel better about the other if you decided that he was officially not doing this with you. Then he wouldn't feel like you want something of him (to do real workouts instead of lame ones) and maybe he wouldn't assert that's he's worked so hard when he hasn't. And maybe you'd feel better because if he's not in it with you, it really doesn't matter that he's tired from walking across the room.

Do you feel like he's sabotaging you?

rubidoux
11-28-2011, 04:50 PM
Sorry this is totally off topic and not related to the OP... but


My GF is the same way (thank God we don't live together!) cause all she does is ***** and complain she has to lose weight and the next thing she's eating is a friggin whopper! So I feel for ya. Hang in there!

I *****ed and complained (almost entirely to myself though) about my weight for 15 years while eating crap, too. I think many of us have (for whatever period of time). I am in awe of you and the OP for having jumped on your weight issues successfully right off the bat. I think that's great and I'm very jealous because I don't think I had it in me. Your girlfriend and the old me know that we *should* be doing what you're doing, but it doesn't come so easy for all of us. I think there are many people who struggle mightily with it before they are able to make the changes you have and some people are never able to do it.

InsideMe
11-28-2011, 05:18 PM
Sorry this is totally off topic and not related to the OP... but



I *****ed and complained (almost entirely to myself though) about my weight for 15 years while eating crap, too. I think many of us have (for whatever period of time). I am in awe of you and the OP for having jumped on your weight issues successfully right off the bat. I think that's great and I'm very jealous because I don't think I had it in me. Your girlfriend and the old me know that we *should* be doing what you're doing, but it doesn't come so easy for all of us. I think there are many people who struggle mightily with it before they are able to make the changes you have and some people are never able to do it.

It didn't say it comes easy to me. I have been obese my ENTIRE life. I have struggled with weight loss for 28 years of my life, since I was 7 years old. It's still not EASY for me. I'm a single career mother with 2 young children and I still do it. I still binge, I still have emotional problems with food. But I know it's the desire to finally want to make changes. My GF has the desire too, but would rather do nothing about it even though she's on high blood pressure medication. Weight loss isn't EASY for anyone! My point is this. People who complain about their life, and it's usually the same stuff will ALWAYS remain in that place. They will most likely not make the decision to better themselves unless at times they are:

1) Either sick of complaining and wanting change
2) They are literally FORCED to do it.

We all have choices, so it's either stop complaining and do something about it, or be quiet and continue with your lifestyle choice. There are no other choices. For those who complain why can't they continue to be supportive? Just because they are obviously making a decision to maintain an unhealthy lifestyle doesn't mean they can't be happy for their partner??? I'm not on my girlfriend to exercise and eat better. I never say ANTYHING about what she's putting in her mouth, cause that's what she wants out of life. So why can't she do the same for me? Why must she complain about her weight issues all the time and make my whole journey about her??? And how she feels? It goes both ways you know. You know why they can't? It's because they see what they are lacking in themselves in their spouse. That is someone who is stuck in themselves and nobody can bring them out but themselves. It's not easy on those who are working so hard to better themselves then to have to hear complaints left right and center and none the less offering foods to us we can't have! That's not support that's sabbotage!

ETA: And who ever said Isis and I both jumped on our weight issues right off that bat? That's your assumption! Like I said, I have been at this my entire life, having survived eating disorders, health issues all to my highest weight of 265lbs on my 5 ft 3 frame. Depression, counselling....the list goes on. This has been a life long journey not just the 5 months I've been doing it!

Mimzzy
11-28-2011, 05:19 PM
To put it simply I feel like he WANTS me to gain the weight back. I have no idea why or even if that is whats going through his head but its how I feel. I can't think of another reason to want to keep stuffing crap in my face when I have asked him not to several times. rubidoux - you are probably right. I need to resign that even though he says he wants to, he just not into it.

By the way - I have not told him his work outs are lame and he is not putting effort into it. I have not told him that hes not working hard enough. I just listen to what he is saying and smile. That was purely me venting my own thoughts lol I should have put that into the post originally, I'm sorry for the confusion. When I did let him have it the other day it was about how I felt his comments were rude and I felt hurt that he would make such silly comments. It was also about him shoving bad food into my face even though I asked him not to. It was purely my feelings. It was not about his crappy eating or work out habits.

Thank you for your suggestions everyone.

Munchy
11-28-2011, 05:26 PM
I'm sorry, Isis. I really didn't mean to imply that was what you were thinking. That is something that my husband has thought at times when he's been pushy about this subject with me, which probably leads me to feeling more prickly about it than I would otherwise. But I do think it (being encouraged to lose weight/eat better/exercise) is something that people do get prickly about, so I was just thinking maybe you'd each feel better about the other if you decided that he was officially not doing this with you. Then he wouldn't feel like you want something of him (to do real workouts instead of lame ones) and maybe he wouldn't assert that's he's worked so hard when he hasn't. And maybe you'd feel better because if he's not in it with you, it really doesn't matter that he's tired from walking across the room.

Do you feel like he's sabotaging you?

Honestly, he sounds like my grandmother. She's a diabetic and sort of stuck in her ways. She will eat the EXACT OPPOSITE than she should at all times, complain about how hard it is and how she can't eat anything (though she doesn't follow good nutrition at all anyway, so how is eating whatever you want hard??) and then say things like "you'll understand when you get diabetes."

When? I try to eat a balanced, whole food diet that would be perfect for a diabetic anyway, but thanks for assuming I will get diabetes. It just comes off like a threat.

When I finally ignored her food habits, I felt much better. I can't control or change how she takes care of herself (or doesn't), even when she ends up in the hospital over and over.

popspry
11-28-2011, 05:41 PM
I think some people push food to sabotage, but a lot of times it isn't that. When my sister insists I eat something she made, it is because she thinks I will enjoy it, and that is just her way. So I wouldn't assume bad intentions. Also, it is easy to be motivated about weight loss at first, but mantainenance is hard(er). It is quite possible he is having a rough time because he had the "Now I'm thin so I can eat all my old favorites again". As annoying as that is for you, I think you would benefit from a weight loss buddy who isn't your boyfriend.

I think you can both be more supportive (I see a lot of resentment from both of you) but that doesn't mean you have the same goal, and that's okay. I think sometimes when you sit someone down and tell them everything they are doing wrong, it doesn't feel great. Maybe choose 1 behavior to workk on (like offering treats).

You two need to tell each other what you are doing right though. Why you are proud of each other, and accept that his weight struggle isn't yours.

kaplods
11-28-2011, 11:49 PM
To put it simply I feel like he WANTS me to gain the weight back. I have no idea why or even if that is whats going through his head but its how I feel. I can't think of another reason to want to keep stuffing crap in my face when I have asked him not to several times. rubidoux - you are probably right. I need to resign that even though he says he wants to, he just not into it.

By the way - I have not told him his work outs are lame and he is not putting effort into it. I have not told him that hes not working hard enough. I just listen to what he is saying and smile. That was purely me venting my own thoughts lol I should have put that into the post originally, I'm sorry for the confusion. When I did let him have it the other day it was about how I felt his comments were rude and I felt hurt that he would make such silly comments. It was also about him shoving bad food into my face even though I asked him not to. It was purely my feelings. It was not about his crappy eating or work out habits.

Thank you for your suggestions everyone.

Even though you haven't SAID these things out loud, it's extremely likely that your boyfriend "heard" them anyway.

Smiling when you're angry or annoyed, usually doesn't come off as genuine. Unless you're a great actress, and your boyfriend is an oblivious idiot, I'd suspect that he knows that you don't think much of his efforts. I'd guess that he knows how little you respect his choices, and that you resent the fact that you believe you're working harder than he is.


Belittling your boyfriend's efforts (even if it's just in your head) isn't support. And if he feels you're not supportive of him, he's not going to be very supportive of you. If he feels your resentment, he probably has some resentment of his own. And even if you both are trying to be perfectly supportive of each other, it still may not feel that way.

I've learned that when you diet "together" with someone in the same household, resentment is almost inevitable. I wish I'd learned that when I was on diets with my mother (starting in kindergarten - I was my mom's "diet buddy"). I didn't realize it as a child, and I suspect my mother didn't consciously realize it either, but she would often pull us out of Weight Watchers or whatever plan we were following, when I was losing faster or better than she was.

I remember feeling "it's unfair" about her as well. And I found the same with my husband. We can't "diet together" without resenting all of the "it's unfair," moments.


My husband and I had to learn that the best way we can support each other more often than not, is to to stay out of each other's weight loss.

It's too easy to judge the other person by our own standards, and then feel resentment at anything that seems "unfair."

When my husband and I started going to the gym together when we first married - his idea of an average workout was 3 hours of intense effort. He'd walk for an hour, lift weights for an hour, and then swim for 45 minutess.

I could only do about 45 minutes in the pool. Sometimes I did complain to hubby when I felt I'd done something "hard."

I'm sure hubby sometimes resented when I complained, thinking I had it easy and shouldn't ever complain to him when I was doing 1/4 the workout he was doing.

And likewise I resented it when he complained, feeling that he was "rubbing it in" or saying that I had no right to complain when he was doing more work. Or I'd think "easy for you to say, when you can do four times as much as I do, it's like you don't think my efforts count at all."

Most of this we didn't SAY to each other, but we knew we were thinking it.

It "ruined" the gym experience for both of us, and it took seven years before we were willing to try again.

Now our positions are reversed. His degenerative joint disease has progressed (luckily not as quickly as predicted when at 17 he was told he'd be in a wheelchair by 35 - he's 41 and uses a cane in the winter).

Now he can't keep up with me. And we both still have difficulty providing the right amount and kind of support.

It doesn't matter whether your "hard" is as difficult as his "hard," if you can't support each other, then maybe the best way to support each other by staying out of each other's way.

My husband and I have tried to be supportive of each other, but it never works out that way. I resent that what seems difficult for me, isn't difficult (or doesn't matter) to him. He resents that what seems difficult for him isn't difficult (or doesn't matter) to me. Even when we try to be supportive, it can come off as being food-cop or nanny.

We can't MAKE each other fit our ideal. It wouldn't work, and it would just fuel more resentment.

We have learned that it's very counterproductive to judge the other person's journey. Often we're wrong in our perceptions, and even when we're not, it usually doesn't matter.

For a while now, I've been angry that hubby's eating habits are "less healthy" than mine. He's been telling me that he knows what he's doing and his upcoming blood tests were going to prove it.

After the blood tests, he showed me his lab reports, and every one of his tests showed tremendous improvements.

I should have been happy, right? Instead, I was very miffed that I'd been proven wrong. That what hubby was doing was working...

and then that got me mad. It "wasn't fair" that he could eat such crap and still see improvements in his lab work.

And this was all after we'd decided to stay out of each other's weight loss (we try, but it's a lot harder than it sounds).


Working on health and weight loss is really rough. Being supportive of someone else's weight loss is tough too. Sometimes you can't do both at the same time.

racrane
11-29-2011, 12:58 AM
I understand completely. My boyfriend even told me he liked me a little "plumper" because other guys don't look at me then. I was extremely angry when he said that to me. But that's his thinking. He still loves me, he just words things very badly. I have to really stay strong when he eats often. He has huge portions and really has maintained his weight quite well. Try to stay strong.