Weight Loss Support - My Boyfriend Eats a LOT




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redrose8988
11-24-2011, 10:59 PM
Ok so I wasn't sure where to post this thread so I just decided why not here?

When I started dating my boyfriend I weighed around 170lbs. Not my lowest or healthiest, but not terrible either. Around 1 month ago I was weighed at my doctor's office to be 193 lbs. I know it's my own responsibility when it comes to eating, but does anyone else have problems with eating more when they have their boyfriend/girlfriend around?

On a related note: I've been a bad influence on him as well. He went up from 200 lbs to 250 lbs since dating me. I know he wants to be fit, but he ends up just asking me if we can go get ice cream or cookies on a regular basis. I don't want to be his mother and tell him no...but on the other hand the more I walk into places that specialize in candy and other unhealthy things the harder it is for me to resist them.

I'm not sure how to avoid the pitfalls of gaining weight while dating. And now how to keep from sliding off track when I'm around him. And lastly, how to motivate him to get on track also. I've gone down to around 184-185 again and I want to continue to lose, but I feel really frustrated because I know he wants to eat a lot more than I do, and he loves it when we're sharing food that we have exactly the same amount. He doesn't seem to understand that I CANT eat the same portions that he can. It's just frustrating.

Phew. Did that all make sense? I sure hope so.


flourless
11-24-2011, 11:15 PM
It's not about being his mother. If you don't want to eat cookies and ice cream, there's nothing wrong with saying "No cookies for me today, but you have fun." Or better yet "I don't really want to go out for dessert, but would you be interested in a walk after dinner?" Sometimes you could substitute less-bad food-oriented options. Self-serve frozen yogurt works for me, because I can take just a couple of ounces with fruit or nut toppings. Or go out for a cup of tea/coffee, or a single really good chocolate.

When you've had enough of something, you can just say "Oh, I've had enough of that, feel free to finish it." Or eat more slowly. Taking smaller bites, skipping a bite here and there, taking extra time to wipe your fingers or your mouth - unless he's watching intently to see how much you eat, you should be able to discreetly eat less and still end up finishing at the same time.

MedChick87
11-24-2011, 11:26 PM
I DEFINITELY know how you feel. I've been dating someone for 1-2 months and we're still in the "go out to eat every other day" phase. I'd be interested in tips as well, because I don't want to decline dinner invitations but at the same time i can't afford to eat at restaurants 4 nights a week and lose weight. So far the only thing I've done is try to make healthier choices at restaurants (i.e. getting a grilled chicken salad instead of chicken fingers and fries).

I really like the above suggestions, especially suggesting you go for a walk or some other form of physical activity that you can do together. I may do that too! :)


JohnP
11-24-2011, 11:39 PM
With respect if this is a conversation you're not capable of having with your boyfriend you should just give up on having any kind of a solid relationship.

The above is an example of how blunt you need to be when speaking to men. We're very simple. You just need to tell us what you want/need us to do.

Sungseng
11-25-2011, 12:03 AM
My boyfriend is a healthy weight and he definitely inadvertantly affects how I eat. The other night we sat down to watch a movie, afterward I counted the calories in all the snacks he ate, about 1000! But all I had to do was say to him, please don't eat so much around me, it makes me feel bad and he said yeah, no problem.

You have to be able to say it directly!

Some things I have also done are if he really wants to eat out I suggest cooking for us instead which he loves. Then I can control what calories I eat and he can eat the rest, no problem! If he is really he'll bent on going out, we wait and do it once over the weekend, delayed gratification is the best!

I hope some of this helps!

Debbieiam
11-25-2011, 12:12 AM
I am with you on this one my Husband is always saying its alot cheaper to eat out than to buy grogery to make a meal so i been sticking with salads

BeachKitty
11-25-2011, 01:16 AM
My bf has also gained 30lbs since we've been together. He was very skinny before so he's actually still at a normal weight. Seeing me working on being healthy had made him want to do the same on his own. He's cut out soda almost completely and has started working out again. He still loves his treats though. I'm thankful we don't like the same type of snacks or I'd be in trouble constantly lol.

As far as talking to him about it you're just going to have to be honest about not being able to eat like him. I'm sure he will understand. Maybe you could suggest saving money by not going out to get treats so much and using it for something else.

popspry
11-25-2011, 02:43 AM
My boyfriend and I are long-distance, and truthfully it makes it easier. We always go out to dinner, but as I only see him once a month, maybe twice it doesn't affect my weight loss. Usually I'm good with portion control, but when we spend the day together I usually end up eating just cause he is - like popcorn while watching a movie even though I don't like theatre popcorn.

I think it is mostly about saying what you want, not what he needs to do. In our 3 years together he's gained 30 pounds. Yes, he'd like to lose, but it isn't my job to tell him "no". My job is to offer healthier choices and let him decide. I have to stand up and say "sure, you can have ice cream, I'll have some fruit instead" or "let's go to A instead of B because they have healthier options" or "Not tonight, but if you want to, go ahead".

I don't nag him - we've talked about my weight loss a lot, what I do, what anyone would need to do to lose weight, but he's an adult, and so am I. I always felt guilty for my eating growing up and I definitely wouldn't want anyone else to feel like I'm shaming them.

3CatsMeow
11-25-2011, 03:20 AM
I had the same problem with mine. Just be blunt. Tell him you want to lose weight for health, and if his BMI is over a healthy one, tell him he should think about eating better too. Its kinda fun when you can be 'healthy together' so encourage him to join in with you on better eating/exercising. Just make sure it doesn't turn into a healthy eating contest.. Men can get very competitive about these things. I would know.

Unna
11-25-2011, 03:27 AM
Well, you certainly cannot eat the same portions that he can - I mean, HE cannot even eat those portions and not gain! That means they are WAY too many calories for you.

It is super typical to gain weight in a relationship - I can imagine most of us here did as well. I did! Welcome to the club!

I'm still learning how to eat with my boyfriend. Things have been getting better. One thing to do: find a fun sport that you both can share and do this most evenings instead of simply watching television or going to the movies. My boyfriend got me into jogging. Now, that is our thing that we do together.

In my opinion, try to look at the situation a bit more positively. I mean, yeah - his presence definitely helped you gain 20 lbs. But, you also have wonderful partner in crime now that you can go to the gym with, etc.

When I met my boyfriend, I was a leaner 148. Then, within no time I blossomed out to 180-185. We started jogging together when I was feeling low. I recently started calorie counting and am slowly down to 158. Still a ways to go. It happens to the best of us.

sacha
11-25-2011, 06:30 AM
When my husband first met, we were 118lbs & 190lbs, we're now 135lbs & 240lbs (he gained more weight in pregnancy than me!).

Some of the strategies we are using is to avoid restaurants (we go 2x a month to a fantastically romantic restaurant rather than 2-3x a week to "okay" places), not sitting down with junk (movies = 1 bag dry popcorn), and finding bonding activities other than eating (working out together with our son rather than food).

Believe me, this bad habit developed before our son came along became a million times worse after. Replacing bad habits with good habits is really the way to go, rather than lecturing, as you seem to already know.

bargoo
11-25-2011, 06:47 AM
With respect if this is a conversation you're not capable of having with your boyfriend you should just give up on having any kind of a solid relationship.

The above is an example of how blunt you need to be when speaking to men. We're very simple. You just need to tell us what you want/need us to do.

Listen to this man's advice.

bargoo
11-25-2011, 06:49 AM
I am with you on this one my Husband is always saying its alot cheaper to eat out than to buy grogery to make a meal so i been sticking with salads

Your husband is wrong. It is much, much, much cheaper to buy and prepare foods at home than it is to pay someone to prepare them as a restaurant does.

lin43
11-25-2011, 06:55 AM
I've been married for twenty years for someone who likes to cook gourmet meals loaded with butter, cream, etc. Our schedules are different, so oftentimes he is home before me and starts dinner. It is very hard to come home from a long day of work and resist a gourmet meal that has been prepared. The thing is that he has never had a weight problem (he only eats twice a day----doesn't snack at all), so he doesn't understand why I can't have "just a little" of what he has cooked. To remain within my calorie range, I would have to eat miniscule portions that would never satisfy me, and besides, if it tastes great, I want MORE.

So, I've had to make adjustments. If he prepares some fatty pasta dish, I just skip it altogether and eat some veggies instead. I may eat the main dish he has made, if it isn't too fatty. Otherwise, I broil my chicken, for example, and just tell him that I'll have a taste of what he has made. Also, I do most of the cooking now so that I can control what goes in my food. It's more of a pain in the neck, but at least I've lost weight.

sontaikle
11-25-2011, 07:06 AM
Listen to John P. Just tell him you don't want to go. It won't be "mothering" him to say "I don't want to get ice cream."

While calorie counting allows me to eat what I want, I've been craving healthier things. My fiancee will sometimes suggest places that don't have healthy options and I'll just tell him that I want to go somewhere else. We generally find somewhere where he can get what he wants and I can get what I want (we don't live together and we both still live with our parents. Going out is sometimes the only way we can get alone time).

sacha
11-25-2011, 07:32 AM
I don't see why she isn't going to have a solid relationship because she doesn't know how to approach the issue? None of us were born knowing how to have a good relationship, it takes time, experience, and MISTAKES to learn how to approach things with a partner.

I agree that she should just be honest with him and say she doesn't want to go, because it's true, but approaching issues with a partner can be very difficult for some and she's not the first person to be unsure how to do it.

Rana
11-25-2011, 08:27 AM
I think that women often think their relationship can't handle a "serious" conversation, but those are the BEST conversations to have with your partner because they ARE your partner afterall.

I don't think the relationship is doomed because they can't have the conversation about losing weight and eating healthier, but I do think it's a good opportunity to have that conversation with him and to get on track about what's healthy for both of you.

My boyfriend knows he's overweight. We both gained weight when we started dating and we didn't do much to lose it in the following years. Finally, I got sick (literally) and I realized how unhappy I was with my weight and my health and I decided to change.

It meant having this conversation with my boyfriend over and over again. He would bring me food as a sign of a love -- a cupcake here, some cookies there, whatever. I used to feel bad and eat those foods, knowing they were bad for my diet, bad for my health, because I couldn't reject his way of showing his love (and they tasted sooooo gooooood). But then I had to realize that I couldn't do that to myself either. I needed to really lose the weight and part of the process/journey was figuring out how to say no to him. And to separate the food from the love. He loves me and I love him, regardless of what we're eating!

He's finally at a point (2 years after I am) where he wants to change and lose weight and get healthier. I don't know if this is the real start of his own journey, but I hope it is.

In that time, I've made meals that are for me. If he wants to join me and eat my healthy food, he is welcome to do it. Otherwise, he has to fend for himself (and he often does). I made exercise classes a priority -- I will go to those classes except when I am sick or out of town. I won't skip class because he wants to do this or that -- he either has to wait for me to finish or do it on a day that it doesn't conflict.

It was hard to create these "healthy" boundaries, but I had to put my health first. I had to learn to say to no to him. I had to learn to have these conversations about how he helped (or DIDN'T) with his actions. He finally understood how important this is for me so he's been very supportive. He's bought work out clothes for me, he doesn't bring me as many cupcakes or cookies or junk as before, he looks for restaurants that have healthy options for me, and he helps me track my weight loss.

It's really a worthwhile conversation to have with your boyfriend because you will learn a lot more about each other and that's always a great thing. And who knows, he may also feel like he needs to lose weight too and you'll have someone that can support you through this.

HikingChloe
11-25-2011, 09:28 AM
Thanks for the morning bluntness JohnP. Always appreciated. :)

And PS. I did live with someone for many years who would far out-eat anything I could in snacks and heavy food and eventually he did put on a lot of weight. It was up to me to be responsible for my own healthy eating. I never even tried to question or change how he ate.

runningfromfat
11-25-2011, 10:11 AM
Another vote for just be honest. Tell him you're watching what you eat and those foods are trigger foods for you. As for getting him to change his ways? Well, only HE can do that. I've been down that road and there's nothing you can do to change a person until there ready (trust me, people tried to get me to change earlier when I wasn't ready either).

I started my weight loss journey over a year before my husband. Before that our weight has always fluctuated up and down together. We've gone on diets in the past together and always gave up together too. I TRIED like crazy to get him to start with me when I started and finally decided I needed to do it for ME and he had to figure it out on his own. Well, it worked. It was hard at first making changes when he didn't but I stuck to it and I'm now only 17lbs away from a healthy BMI, something that was almost unimaginable 1.5 years ago!

And you know what else? My husband is losing now too. :D He's made a lot of changes in his life and I think that it did help for him to see that I was successful so it would be possible for him too. I'm not really sure what it was that triggered him to change when he did but he's really determined to stick with him and he's been doing amazingly so far.

Moral of the story. You can't change people but sometimes you can inspire them.

redrose8988
11-25-2011, 03:36 PM
I just want to start off by saying thank you to everyone who gave advice. I do appreciate it.

I do want to make something clear, however. It's not that I'm afraid or feel I can't talk to him about the issue. However I'm new to this as a problem and so as such I was hoping to get insight as to how other people have dealt with it. But to go so far as to say I won't have a solid relationship because of it is not advice. That's not productive or helpful in any way. But I can certainly respect JohnP's advice to just be honest. And thank you sacha for your response. It's what I was thinking but much more eloquently put.

Anyway, I have spoken to him about it and he was all for me getting healthy. We're going to try and have as much home cooking as possible and smaller portions. And I've made it clear what my goals are. Now I just have to stick to it.

You're all definitely right. It's up to him to make the decision to change. I just have to say go for it and watch him make those decisions himself. In the end I'll only be watching my own food intake. I'll absolutely try and have us go for walks. That's a great idea. Thank you all very very much. I'm so glad to see other people have been through the same thing! It's reassuring and motivating to read.

So for the umpteenth time thank you everyone! I'll take all your words to heart.

roobear
11-25-2011, 03:50 PM
Ok so I wasn't sure where to post this thread so I just decided why not here?

When I started dating my boyfriend I weighed around 170lbs. Not my lowest or healthiest, but not terrible either. Around 1 month ago I was weighed at my doctor's office to be 193 lbs. I know it's my own responsibility when it comes to eating, but does anyone else have problems with eating more when they have their boyfriend/girlfriend around?

On a related note: I've been a bad influence on him as well. He went up from 200 lbs to 250 lbs since dating me. I know he wants to be fit, but he ends up just asking me if we can go get ice cream or cookies on a regular basis. I don't want to be his mother and tell him no...but on the other hand the more I walk into places that specialize in candy and other unhealthy things the harder it is for me to resist them.

I'm not sure how to avoid the pitfalls of gaining weight while dating. And now how to keep from sliding off track when I'm around him. And lastly, how to motivate him to get on track also. I've gone down to around 184-185 again and I want to continue to lose, but I feel really frustrated because I know he wants to eat a lot more than I do, and he loves it when we're sharing food that we have exactly the same amount. He doesn't seem to understand that I CANT eat the same portions that he can. It's just frustrating.

Phew. Did that all make sense? I sure hope so.

Yeah, again like you I know it is really my responsibility but my weight started climbing when I met my boyfriend and hasn't be very easy to shift. We both love junk food and hate exercise. His parents eat loads and used to give me huge portions which I felt bad not finishing. I think another reason for a lot of people subconsciously we keep our weight down in order to attract a male and said male acquired we stop making the effort. Thats my opinion.

Why not send him away for bit, my boyf is going a away for 8 weeks and I am hoping this I my opportunity to really shed the pounds, but its going to be hard work.

JohnP
11-26-2011, 12:09 AM
Just to make sure no one misunderstands where I am coming from.

Men are wired differently than women. You have to be direct with us. We are not good at reading between the lines. I can assure you of one thing. Your boyfriend has no idea his behavior is a problem for you.

My comment was designed not to be mean or make a judgement but simply to demonstrate how blunt you have to be with guys. We need to be smacked over the head. (Speaking figuratively of course.)

Esofia
11-26-2011, 05:23 AM
And with all due respect to you, JohnP, I find these statements highly sexist. Women are no better at mind-reading than men are, and it's just an excuse to let men off the hook if you say, "Oh, men can't handle subtlety, it must be the fault of the woman talking to them." Communication in a relationship is equally the responsibility of both partners, and that includes the listening side of things. Unfortunately, our culture promotes a very peculiar ideal of romance which involves a h*ll of a lot of unrealistic mind-reading in the name of blissful unity, presumably because the actual hard work of negotiating things in a relationship doesn't make for exciting films. Madame Bovary - How They Talked It All Out And Settled Down To Life The Same As Everyone Else Has To wouldn't have been much of a bestseller either. We all have to learn proper communication and negotiation when we go into relationships, and sometimes it's a long time before someone learns it and sometimes they never learn at all.

OP, your boyfriend is being a diet saboteur (which someone can do without being overtly unpleasant or even consciously recognising that they're doing it), and you're worried that you're not being nice enough about it? Stop feeling guilty about his actions, and start having proper conversations with him about it, because it sounds like too much is being unsaid here. Then try healthy snacks such as strawberries for noshing on together, and make sure that the portion size which ends up on your plate is what you want it to be before you sit down to eat. And on rereading this thread, I see you've already started talking together about this, which is great. Just keep on having these conversations, because there's bound to be the odd time when someone mishears, misunderstands or forgets what the other has said, and a big topic like this is very much one you need to keep working on.

Arctic Mama
11-26-2011, 05:34 AM
My husband needs it blunt, too. He is bigger than me (6'2", a good foot taller!), more active than me, and doesn't have my boredom/emotional eating issues, either. What he can have without problem is a major issue if I do the same. Furthermore, he isn't a food enabler but he is always very generous at getting me whatever I ask for, be it a salad or Coldstone!

With these considerations in mind, I tell him clearly what I am trying to do (lose/maintain) and that I'll let him know if I need help. Certain trigger foods he knows I cannot have in the house, and so he respectfully keeps that stuff hidden. I have also had to accept that his plate is necessarily going to be fuller than mine and eating isn't a quantity contest ;)

When I tell him these things straight up, we have no confusion or misunderstandings. It makes it easier for him to know what I need or expect, and easier for me to not get disappointed or frustrated when he inadvertently tempts me with his choices. Communication on this and a million other subjects is the foundation of our happy, successful marriage. I suggest you practice it now, it's a life saver ;)

JohnP
11-26-2011, 12:59 PM
And with all due respect to you, JohnP, I find these statements highly sexist. Women are no better at mind-reading than men are, and it's just an excuse to let men off the hook if you say, "Oh, men can't handle subtlety, it must be the fault of the woman talking to them."

I am not blaming women for anything, nor letting anyone off the hook, nor assigning the power of ESP to women.

I'm talking about men and I'm saying the best way to communcate with us is to be very direct. That is all I am saying.:?:

dragonwoman64
11-26-2011, 01:08 PM
I actually think this is an issue for many couples, or at least I've heard it from a number of female friends and acquaintances.

Yesterday my bf ate 11 plus mallomars, apple pie, 2 bowls of coco puffs, 2 brownies, a devil dog, lunch and dinner. He's not fat at all. I'm not saying that's healthy, and that I don't bring this up to him (yes, it probably reaches nag level). If I even vaguely ate like him I'd probably end up bigger than Jabba the Hut. He's incredibly active, exercises every day.

Since we eat together many of our meals and he does most of the grocery shopping, it comes down to negotiation and mindfulness. He's gotten very good about cooking healthy meals and having fresh fruits and vegetables on hand. Our eating has changed drastically (despite the above list, ha).

He doesn't always see my side of it. If he can eat all this stuff and not get, fat, why shouldn't I be able to indulge; I just need to exercise more and be reasonable about how I indulge. I didn't get to the be the size I am and much bigger by being reasonable about my indulgences.

the end note to that, I need to keep emphasizing to him what I need, and I need to handle my exercise and eating the way I know works for me. That balance is not perfect as yet, I can sometimes cave too easily to temptation. I think you will notice that your bf's eating habits will improve as yours do (though that's not always true for people).

It's not easy for anyone to change their habits, and if one side doesn't feel a particular need to, then it can be even tougher. that's why making needs clear, and continuing to emphasize them in words and deeds is important.

Hope that makes sense, I'm a little groggy today.

bargoo
11-26-2011, 01:26 PM
JohnP is 6'9" I am 5" even. If I were to eat the same servings he does I would soon surpass him in weight. The notion that we should all have the same amount of food on our plates is ridiculous. Only restaurants subscribe to that theory.

Jessica Committed
11-26-2011, 03:29 PM
I agree with JohnP, in that you just need to let him know you have a new lifestyle and you will be embracing it. If he really wants to get fit as well, he will follow your lead.