Weight Loss Support - Hurtful weight related ruined Thanksgiving for me




GlamourGirl827
11-24-2011, 05:52 PM
I dont know why I let it get to me so much as I fully expected and prepared for my dad to make a comment on my recent weightloss, a negative one of course. Either I'm too fat or I'm too thin.
We were there all of 15 minutes and my kids were eating from the cheese and cracker platter and my older one said he liked the salami. I said I'm glad he likes it because he's a super picky eater and he dislikes nearly everything we get him to try. With that my dad said " you better start eating some because you are getting way too thin." and it wasn't even said in a humorous way. It was said really nasty like he almost sounded angry. This is the same guy that last time I visited told me what a pig my aunt is and went on to tell me how gross it is that she binge eats. And he makes comments to my step mom who is over weight about her weight. He has always been VERY critical of women's bodies, especially 'fat' women.

I was livid. I felt my face flush with anger and I was rather nasty in return. I asked him if he'd like to be educated on what a healthy weight actually is and a healthy BMI. I told him "I'm an RN in case you forgot and I am far more informed on what a healthy weight is. And it's sad that we grown so used to seeing overweight people that we don't know a person of a healthy weight when we see it. " Then I followed that by saying that his comment was very hurtful and rude and uncalled for. He got a little mad at me and just said sorry and 'it's over with' but about 30 seconds later I said again 'wow that was just so hurtful' and 'maybe you are just so used to seeing me fat the last 30 years that being healthy looks weird" and he snapped "sorry" at me again. At that point I excused myself and took a 10 minute time out because I was so freakin angry I felt as if I could put a hole through the wall. I just knew he would say something. When I rejoined them I did say ' so are you going to be watching what I eat today? Because now I've lost my appetite' and I left it at that.

We are going to be away for Xmas. I am so glad too. If I didn't have the kids with me I would have left.
I know I probably over reacted but why do people think they have the right to comment on my body?????????


seagirl
11-24-2011, 06:07 PM
Holidays make people crazy. My mother got mad at me for bringing lobster after I said I was bringing lobster because she thought I was joking. She said next time for me to say "seriously." So I yelled and said she was being ridiculous and then my sister cried.

Good times!

It still sucks, though.

GlamourGirl827
11-24-2011, 06:18 PM
Yeah for family drama. :/


VermontMom
11-24-2011, 06:44 PM
GlamourGirl, I'm really sorry that your day was ruined because of him. If you have told him not to speak to you like that..and he still does...he doesn't need the pleasure of having his daughter and grandchildren on a holiday (or any day) until he can act like a decent person.

(ps - your weight loss is wow!! congrats!! I want to be 147 on a good day :D)

Seagirl - oh my gosh to that drama!

My moment that I will never forgive my sister for - she hosted a Thanksgiving dinner at her house. And everybody helped, either by bringing a dish or helping cook. When the food was ready, she almost yells, "It's ready!! come on! I didn't work this hard for it to get cold!" So my husband and 2 boys obediently got up and went towards the table.

My b*tch of a sister then says, 'Oh the heavy hitters are at the table. We'll have to wait'.

Never, ever, EVER will I forget that.

free1
11-24-2011, 07:03 PM
We can't control people but onlu our reaction to them! My guess this is a life pattern for him and you won"t change him now. Congrats on the "time out" and not letting it turn volatile.

GlamourGirl827
11-24-2011, 07:27 PM
Vermontmom, that was awful what your sister said! I am just floored by how hurtful people can be, and how easily they over step boundaries when it comes to comment about weight. And the fact that your kids were included in that comment. There's no excuse for it.
It upsets me that the whole thing happened in front of my kids, and my older son, heard the whole thing. I don't want him to further witness that sort of thing. Today was the most direct I have ever been with my father, and I expect that it shocked him a bit. I can only take a wait and see approach to know if he will keep future comments to himself. The next time, if there is one, hopefully I will be able to think clear enough to say "you are not allowed to comment on my appearance".

Honestly, I got so flustered from anger that I was not thinking clear enough to set those boundaries. In hind sight, I wish I had. In the past he was always openly critical of other women in front of me, but only more rencently he has been critical of my body.


Thank you free1. I truly wanted to start screaming at him. I do have a typical Irish temper ;) and I have been working on not speaking too much while angry because then I really say things I regret. Besides, my kids were there, and I know my older son knew what was going on, that 'something hurtful was said about mommy that really upset her.' I didn't want to cause a huge scene infront of my kids.

shcirerf
11-24-2011, 08:33 PM
Ahh! The holidays!

I realized something today about the holidays.

Our expectations, are not reality.

Most of us would love to have the Norman Rockwell holiday. Sadly, that mostly does not happen.

My family for the most part, is pretty good. Until you toss in my mother. I love her, I really do! But I barely got in the door today and she was all over me about the fact that my 31 year old son, had neglected to respond to her facebook and email messages that they weren't coming. I didn't even know until yesterday.

I work 5 days one week, from 7:30 a.m. to 5 p.m., one week, the next week I work 6 days. My son is a state trooper, DOT officer and on the SWAT team, his wife works nights and does sleep studies, and they have a 9 month old daughter. And he spend a lot of time 250 miles away from home for training, they train all the time!

I do understand that it probably would not have been that big a deal to let her know ahead of time, but when you work that many hours, and we both work in emergency jobs, I work for a veterinarian, sometimes those things just slide by.

Mom is retired so she does expect instant response, without stopping to think, we might be busy and TIRED!

Then it was the whole, "where is your husband?" Uhmm, home loading hay. We sold all of our hay to the vet tech I work with. He has the same crappy schedule I do, and he has to work this weekend. Today, he had the day off, no family stuff, the big pickup, trailer and time. So my DH loaded him up over and over, so the vet tech could get the hay hauled for his cows. This means a big paycheck for us! So, I had to explain, the time/work issue, because my DH also has a job. We have the tractor on one end to load the trailer, the VT has the equipment to haul and unload on the other end, and it's 70 degrees outside. Not trying to haul hay in the cold and wind and snow. Not to mention the MONEY!

Once I got past all of that, it was good, we did have a good time.

Onward to Christmas, bringing duct tape for Mom's mouth! ;)

VermontMom
11-24-2011, 08:58 PM
thanks, GlamourGirl! the only good thing is that my kids and DH did not hear that comment, I have kept it from them.

The next time, if there is one, hopefully I will be able to think clear enough to say "you are not allowed to comment on my appearance".

Honestly, I got so flustered from anger that I was not thinking clear enough to set those boundaries. In hind sight, I wish I had. In the past he was always openly critical of other women in front of me, but only more rencently he has been critical of my body. .

OK, I had assumed that maybe he had been told already that comments about your body were off limits..not that he should feel free to do that anyway! but I guess he needs to be told directly, I guess he just doesn't get it otherwise. So by all means, the next time you are together, if you can find the patience and strength to quietly tell him that you were embarassed and hurt by his comments today and those kind of comments are not welcomed.

Jeez!!! we have to have strength to resist overeating and all these holiday treats..we have to have strength to get through our family parties :devil:

JayEll
11-24-2011, 09:16 PM
GlamourGirl827, I know you wish that you had maybe said things differently... But honestly? sometimes some drama is needed to get a point across. I'd say anytime someone is handing you that crap, it's OK for you to stand up for yourself. And if you have to "act out" to get heard, so be it.

Jay

birdfeet
11-24-2011, 09:45 PM
I dont know why I let it get to me so much as I fully expected and prepared for my dad to make a comment on my recent weightloss, a negative one of course. Either I'm too fat or I'm too thin.
We were there all of 15 minutes and my kids were eating from the cheese and cracker platter and my older one said he liked the salami. I said I'm glad he likes it because he's a super picky eater and he dislikes nearly everything we get him to try. With that my dad said " you better start eating some because you are getting way too thin." and it wasn't even said in a humorous way. It was said really nasty like he almost sounded angry. This is the same guy that last time I visited told me what a pig my aunt is and went on to tell me how gross it is that she binge eats. And he makes comments to my step mom who is over weight about her weight. He has always been VERY critical of women's bodies, especially 'fat' women.

I was livid. I felt my face flush with anger and I was rather nasty in return. I asked him if he'd like to be educated on what a healthy weight actually is and a healthy BMI. I told him "I'm an RN in case you forgot and I am far more informed on what a healthy weight is. And it's sad that we grown so used to seeing overweight people that we don't know a person of a healthy weight when we see it. " Then I followed that by saying that his comment was very hurtful and rude and uncalled for. He got a little mad at me and just said sorry and 'it's over with' but about 30 seconds later I said again 'wow that was just so hurtful' and 'maybe you are just so used to seeing me fat the last 30 years that being healthy looks weird" and he snapped "sorry" at me again. At that point I excused myself and took a 10 minute time out because I was so freakin angry I felt as if I could put a hole through the wall. I just knew he would say something. When I rejoined them I did say ' so are you going to be watching what I eat today? Because now I've lost my appetite' and I left it at that.

We are going to be away for Xmas. I am so glad too. If I didn't have the kids with me I would have left.
I know I probably over reacted but why do people think they have the right to comment on my body?????????

They say kids are cruel in what they say to each other and not really know what they are saying,but adults are supposed to know. I think all can be cruel.It is a shame that we can't be polite and not say things about ones size or eats. Esp when in fron of children.
I am so sorry that your day was destroyed. You are doing super on your weight.
I have family that live in the same house and don't say anything to my face about my weight loss and one esp gets very pissed when someone else says anything in front of her about my loss. Somehow,I am learning to shrug these sites off and keep telling myself they are only jealious and I amd doing much better for my new life. Keep on going girl,your doing great. Will be sooooo happy to reach where you are now.

WannaBeLoserAgain
11-24-2011, 10:01 PM
Remember in the future, we decide how we are going to react to a situation. I am finally realizing this myself. I am trying to hold my tongue and not to quick to responding. It is a process of learning. You can do it and you be stronger when facing hurtful comments. Responding back in a very calming way will put out the fire that is starting.Practice what you are going to say the next time, so you will be prepared. You can do this! You have made so much progress and we are proud of you.

luciddepths
11-24-2011, 10:09 PM
im so sorry you guys have to put up with that BS.


my family is very open and can be crude, a good F off works. haha


my dad isnt too bad he always likes to remind me that everything else is ok but that i need to "work on my stomach area"...

Scarlett
11-25-2011, 12:49 AM
:hug: families can be so hurtful. Hope the holiday season is treating you well otherwise glamourgirl

I luckily got lots of positive complements on my weight loss.

melodymist
11-25-2011, 01:15 AM
Hey GlamourGirl827

Over 70+ pounds lost? Woman!!!! Can I get an applaud people!! So, so , so proud of you! That is a MASSIVE MASSIVE loss.

I'm so sorry that you had to go through this and on Thanksgiving of all!

I've also come to the realisation that people will talk about you/other people. Say and comment on other people's weight either it be because they are overweight, normal or underweight.

I see we're both 5'6 and in the 140's. I also have had epople say I'm too thin. It's just I think they're so used to seeing us at our starting weight that they can't come to the realisation of what we look now and then they say we're too thin.

Unna
11-25-2011, 03:59 AM
I'm used to reading about women criticizing other women about their bodies - the men usually don't make too many comments. But it sounds like your dad is always commenting on women's bodies and whether they are too thin or too big.

I find that odd. I'd like to understand what he gets out of talking about this theme.

Anyway, I have another theory gathered from the posts on this website: our family and friends are ambivalent about our weight loss:

They warn us when we get too large, but then they become freaked out when we start to enter a normal weight range.

Because this behaviour is unexplainable on a conscious level, I think we have to consider the unconcsious (or preconscious) motivations. Your group may be first worried that your extra weight will diminish your own health, thus the health of the group.

You lose and your weight loss becomes a sign that someone in the group is starving. They then tell you to quit.

Also, I think there is an additional competitive aspect in the group. If another member advised you to lose weight, they are probably somewhat lean. They are known by the other members for possessing moderation and self-discipline. You encroach on their territory.

Of course this is just from the group perspective.

It is interesting, nonetheless.

GlamourGirl827
11-25-2011, 10:17 AM
Thank you everyone for your support. I definitely woke up this morning, now with a new distain for my appearance. I even had a dream about it last night! The worst part is, he is so over it, and meanwhile I feel perminately affected by that comment. I think because for so many years he "called" me fat by actually calling other family members who were big like me fat. And now I'm too thin. He obviously has a very narrow idea of what is just right.

Unna - I agree it is more common for women to gossip about each other's body. My dad is the youngest of 6 kids, and he's the only boy. So he grew up with all sisters. Over the years he's been very critical of his "fat" sisters. 2 of my aunts are obese, the other 3 have always been slender. My dad was always super skinny. Only in the past few years, as he's gotten older he's gotten a little heavy, but he's not big. Only in recvent years has my light bulb gone on that I seeing just how critical he is of women and their eating habits.
melodymist I don't if you are pear shaped, but I am so pear shaped. Even when I was at my heaviest, if I stood behind a table at waist height you would not know I was over weight. I'm actually pretty disproportionate. So now my upper body looks very slender, but my lower half is still plagued by fat. I'm also very small framed, which I hate, so while some women at this height and weight are good to go, if you saw me in the buff, you'ld see how I probably have another 20 lbs to lose easily. I was saying to my DH this morning, that I can't choose how my body loses weight, and it sucks that my upper half looks so crappy. Yeah thanks to dad I spent time in the mirror this morning hating my upper half of my body for looking too thin next to my lower half. Thanks dad!

HikingChloe
11-25-2011, 10:28 AM
As my dad has gotten older he also has less of a filter in how I hear about him talking about other women and to be honest he isn't the only older man I have noticed this with.

Ironically aging hasn't been kind to him either and he was never a healthy younger man either. It is really too bad. And yes when he bashes another woman he is also bashing all the other aging women in his life (like his daughter and wife).

Try not to give your dad that much power. Perhaps you should return to the mirror now and pick out all the successes and the things about your body that you love...even if it is as simple as "I have a healthy and strong body that I can rely on." There are so many people in the world impacted by physical limitations.

Take care.

bargoo
11-25-2011, 11:31 AM
GlamourGirl, maybe it was time that someone stood up to your dad. I'm sorry if you feel bad that you spoke out but I, personally think it was time someone told him off. Next time he makes a comment be as calm as you can and say, "Dad, please do not make comments on my weight." And change the subject or get up and leave the room but let him know in as simple terms as possible that the subject is closed and is not up for more discussion.

IsabellaOlivia
11-25-2011, 02:06 PM
So many of you write about biting your tongue. NO! When someone is a rude ***** to you - talk back. Don't let them get away with it. Stand up for yourself and don't take that crap. And if that doesn't work, cut them out of your life. Why surround yourself with these losers?

EagleRiverDee
11-25-2011, 03:15 PM
It sucks when someone we love says something judgmental about us...but I hope everyone was thankful they could be with their family. My parents moved clear to the other side of the country earlier this year and I spent my first Thanksgiving ever without my family yesterday. I did get to spend time with my DH but it was just us two and I truly missed having family around. I'm not trying to minimize that what was said was hurtful, but don't forget to also count your blessings!

roobear
11-25-2011, 03:40 PM
I think as men get older they worry less about what they say or they just don't notice, my boyfriend had to explain about not taking his dad too seriously and not to take anything he says personally because he often doesn't realise how what he says might affect other people. I'm sorry this is still bothering you glamourgirl while your dad is 'so over it' but I know sometimes these comments can really stick. We know you are doing really well and so do you, so just let it slide off you, only what you think matters. You did nothing wrong in standing up to your dad, he probably needed to be taken down a peg or two.

roobear
11-25-2011, 03:42 PM
I think as men get older they worry less about what they say or they just don't notice, my boyfriend had to explain about not taking his dad too seriously and not to take anything he says personally because he often doesn't realise how what he says might affect other people. I'm sorry this I still bothering you glamourgirl while your dad is 'so over it' but I know sometimes these comments can really stick. We know you are doing really well and so do you, so just let it slide off you, only what you think matters. You did nothing wrong in standing up to your dad, he probably needed to be taken down a peg or two.

It means nothing really but no matter what he said I would've killed to just have my dad there.

DezziePS
11-26-2011, 04:19 PM
My dad is very hurtful, too, and there are some things that I have learned that have helped me deal with it that may help you, OP.

First, it makes me mad that I feel like he has control over me by what he says. Really, though, I have control over that. If I know a comment he makes is uninformed, untrue, and unthoughtful, why should I give that any more credit than something a stranger said? I shouldn't. Also, when he makes his little remarks to me, I would guess that half the time I am hearing something different than what he said, and half the time he is saying something different than what he meant. This is largely colored by our past relationship and how difficult it has been and how bad a communicator he is. If I really think about it objectively, and who he is and who I am, what do I think he really meant? Often, I have re-played the scene in my head so many times, and it bothers me so much that I turn it into something completely out of context. I know from talking to others that were there that the tone of voice I ascribed to it in my head is just wrong. Do you think he wants to have so much control over you? That you're waking up having a "disgusting new body image"? I can't imagine so! Don't let him do that, then!

Also, one of the things that has helped me immensely is that my dad does not realize when he is being an ***. It took me forever to realize that he has very little control over his filter, and over his tone of voice. Drawing attention to him saying something that is rude helps both of us. Especially if I don't do it in an immediately defensive or dramatic way. For example, in your situation, do you think he would have been diffused if he had made his comment and you had said, jokingly, "Ouch! Jeez, dad I had no idea you liked your women chubby!" and then moved away from the situation?

The bottom line for me, at least, is that I have often looked to find offense in the things my dad has said to me because of our rocky relationship history. From what you've said here, it seems like it is possible you took his comment a way it was not intended or he said it in a way that did not belie his true meaning. If he has often criticized other family members for being too heavy, maybe he really did think it would be a compliment to tell you you were getting too small- he is an older man, from a different generation, and I don't get it either, but sometimes it might just be worth giving him the benefit of the doubt- even if the doubt is a really, really small one. Just for the sake of your own sanity.

GlamourGirl827
11-26-2011, 08:56 PM
DezziePS - I can't thank you enough for that response. At the risk of sounding corney, I must say it really spoke to me. You are right in that I "look" for something in my dad's comments, often without realizing it. He has always been very judgemental. Of everyone and everything they do. He does not come with an open mind to anything, even things he knows nothing about. He forms opinions and judges people. Those that don't think and act just like him are dirtbags, idiots, morons, low lifes...ect. I swear he has never changes his mind on anything his whole life. When my son was diagnose autistic, he already formed an opinion based on who knows what, as he has no education or exerperience with autistic children, and was closed to be informed in anyway.
I do find I look for that closed minded judgement in his remarks. And being that I am an RN, I was even more annoyed that he doesn't even take into consideration that I am qualified to give basic dietary advice to patients. Also, I started running about a year ago. He dismisses running as a stupid phase. Something stupid people do. If he listened for a minute, he'd learn that running burns a lot of calories, and has contributed to the speed of my weight loss, which wasn't that fast really, but it was a lot considering he only sees me once a month at best.

I'm rambling, but I want you to know that your post helped a lot. I definitely have a lot to think about.

cfan
11-26-2011, 11:14 PM
GG827,
I know exactly what that is like. For the fourth of July one year we were eating at my grandparents house with both family and friends. We were just starting to make our plates when,as I put some fries (and a small amount at that,even small for a normal eater) my grandma reached over to block my hand and said loudly,you need to save some for your cousins. I was so pissed and humilated because we had family friends over and she did this. Even my mother,one of the ones who usually humilates me like that, defended me.i did not eat anything at that meal and then went outside afterwards.after dinner and the guests went home,my mom blew up at her and it is still a sore spot after 4years.

So just tell your unsupportive family to screw off when they do something like that. REAL family doesn't do that,and you can always find others to support you.

one small bowl
11-27-2011, 01:16 PM
Ack for family dynamics. My Thanksgiving (my last one as I am moving back to Europe) was ruined by my reaction to my family antics. Notice how I placed the blame on me rather than my family? Because I cannot change the history with them, nor do I wish to upset the balance attained because they feel threatened about my leaving. It's complicated and so annoying.

Anyways, I had a negative reactive feeling within. I ate to smother the feelings. I paid for it with an awful belly ache and rising anger. The next day, I felt even worse, food hangover and my mood was in the pits. Had I taken a deep breath and let it all slide off my protective shield, I would have enjoyed myself, stayed on plan and simply shook my head in amusement at their antics. I will be working on this for the next round of holidays. In the big picture, I see them all so rarely anyways, why let them get under my skin? Slather on some slippery bear grease and head on in to the next family gathering. They won't change, but I can!

aka8941
11-27-2011, 01:23 PM
I just wish my family was not so ignorant.