Weight Loss Support - Very Hurtful Comments - Small Vent




Mimzzy
11-16-2011, 10:52 PM
Hey everyone, this might get long so please bare with me.
I went to my mom's this Sunday for dinner. We do dinner every Sunday because I am tight on money and it saves me some $$ and I always get to take home left over's. She knows that I am busting my butt to get this weight off and for awhile was making nice and healthy dinners for me. Lately that has changed now she is making things I probably shouldn't be eating, but instead I have a little and scale back my portions.

She has started making stupid comments about my new body. Sometimes its a compliment like "Your waist looks so tiny!" but most of the time its not. She has now started to call me "Anorexia" or "Anna" and waving chocolate in my face. I have asked her to explain how I am anorexic if I am eating every Sunday and I even indulge a little in a mini chocolate bar. She just says I am to focused on my calories. She was constantly on me about being fat before and now that I am getting thinner she's making comments about that! I can never be good enough :mad:

These are the comments that really hurt my feelings, last Sunday I bent over to pick something up and some of my muffin top was showing. Yes, I still have a small muffin top that I am working on. My mom of all people says "Look at all the extra skin! You know that will never go away!" Please keep in mind I am only 21, never had a child and was only 50lbs overweight to begin with. I havnt noticed any sagging skin so I was a little shocked! I looked at her and said "No mom, that's my muffin top" and she replies " No its not, its your loose skin" then runs her finger over my skin and says "Holy look at all these stretch marks!"

Thanks mom.... Now instead of being self conscious of being over weight I get to be self conscious about all my "loose" skin and stretch marks.... Ugh, I know she has always been like this but I can't get it out of my head.

Thanks for listening to my whining! I hope it made sense.


liliesinmycereal
11-16-2011, 11:06 PM
My boyfriends family was kind of the same way. You just will have to accept that there will be rude comments all the time or have a serious conversation about how your feelings are hurt. The passive aggressive thing to do is something like start trickling in comments back that counter the statements but it could turn into an argument. The bottling thing which is to not do anything at all will hurt you more in the long run.

tavvy
11-16-2011, 11:06 PM
Too many times our successes make our parents or others in general feel as though they failed in some way as they inwardly criticize themselves comparing their life to yours. This can cause resentment and they project their feelings about themselves onto you. I know it's hard...your mama is supposed to be your number one fan!! My mama struggled with this when I was younger (started being really mean tome about my weight when I was 8) but since I got engaged and now married she has changed her tune. Unfortunately all I can say is to believe in yourself and know that what she says isn't out of love or respect...and if it isn't spoken out of a place of love and respect it isn't worth listening too!


JohnP
11-16-2011, 11:07 PM
My wife's sister called her "sickly". :(

revathi
11-16-2011, 11:12 PM
Hi Isis,

I'm sorry to hear about the negative and hurtful comments you had to endure. Please try to remember that you are doing this to better yourself. Your happiness and sense of self worth is what counts. Please don't let anyone discourage you.

Keep going and good luck to you!!!

Unna
11-17-2011, 01:35 AM
I've found most people don't know how to empathize with those who have lost weight.

I think she doesn't really understand how such a comment could really hurt your feelings.

Also, she is trying to "feed you" - her mother instinct is going off, telling her that you are starving to death and need to be fed. Not rational, but many mothers do this (even though they simultaneously tell their children they need to be thin, it is contradictory).

Btw, give your skin time and lots of lotion. It normally also shrinks a bit (maybe not totally, but you'll be surprised at the difference after a year). I had terrible stretch marks, loose skin, etc. from being 230. I don't have any stretch marks at all anymore and the skin is a bit loose, but no one notices.

melodymist
11-17-2011, 01:49 AM
I REALLY get what your saying.

Weirdly, people who at first motivate us to lose weight only later demotivate us again. Just keep going, you're doing awesome :) well done on your loss so far!

Kahokkuri
11-17-2011, 02:01 AM
I wish I had some advice other than telling her how much those comments are hurting your feelings.

Weirdly, people who at first motivate us to lose weight only later demotivate us again.
I sincerely hope this isn't the case, because right now the people who motivate me are a major influence. We talk about our progress, goals and habits nearly every day!

melodymist
11-17-2011, 02:54 AM
I wish I had some advice other than telling her how much those comments are hurting your.


I sincerely hope this isn't the case, because right now the people who motivate me are a major influence. We talk about our progress, goals and habits nearly every day!
I'm so happy for you, that you found a support system! Keep those people close to you :)

ohadele
11-17-2011, 04:21 AM
It's really hard when people try and put you down, but eventually they'll come around: they have to. Just don't forget why you're doing this in the first place.

P.s. When you've lost all of the weight you want to lose, you can work on toning your body and tightening areas that bother you.

Keep going :)

kirsteng
11-17-2011, 05:55 AM
She sounds really passive-aggressive to me. Is she overweight herself, and thus jealous of your ability to change your body? I have heard that lots of moms in this age group (late 40's?) get jealous of their daughters who are in their teens or early 20's... sounds nasty and awful, but unfortunately too often true.

My sister can be hurtful too, for reasons I just can't fathom. When I was losing weight other times, she'd never say I looked good.. but when I gained it back, she's say later - "remember how thin and good you looked back when you did atkins?". On my wedding day, as we waited as a group with family to go into the restaurant for dinner (resort wedding), she actually grabbed a roll at my waist as I was sitting on a bench, and said 'is this from the baby'?? (I was 15 weeks pregnant at the time). ???!!!! :?::devil::?::devil::?::devil:

All this to say, even family members are capable of jealousy and saying really hurtful things. I'm sorry you're having to deal with it - it's really not pretty. But just hold your head high and be strong and proud. YOU know that you're doing wonderful things for yourself, you are making great decisions - others can think what they want.

yoyoma
11-17-2011, 07:03 AM
:hug:

I'm really sorry that your mother isn't supporting your current weight loss effort and is instead making hurtful comments. :( It's probably especially frustrating since as we get closer to goal it tends to be harder to lose weight and that's when we need the most support.

As a mother, I guess I'd add that it's sort of our job to be on the lookout for any possible threats to our offspring (a hard habit to break even when you're grown up). Anorexia has appeared on her radar screen as being a more likely threat than ill health due to obesity.

I think you might have a contructive conversation with her, telling her you appreciate her concern (even if you don't) but that your goal is to be healthy and share how her comments made you feel. If you get the message across that your goal is to be healthy, not thin at all costs, I'm guessing she'll start being more supportive. Maybe you could suggest trying some new healthy recipes together? More with a focus on whole foods, anti-oxidents, etc rather than specifically low calorie?

Dealing with family is tough, even when they care about you. Good luck!

sontaikle
11-17-2011, 07:45 AM
I can relate to much of what you're saying. Some of my biggest supporters were at the gym I frequent (where I've been a regular for seven years now), but as I've gotten smaller and smaller their comments have slowly turned into hurtful ones. Not everyone is like that fortunately, but I've been hearing more of "Stop losing weight, you're a stick!" or "You need to stop starving yourself" than compliments. I've also been accused of taking diet pills.

I've come to ignore them, but it does become difficult. Luckily I do have supportive friends and a supportive fiancee to lean on and I have this forum. Remember, you've always got this forum. It's full of people who are supportive and encouraging!

Regarding the lose skin, I've come to realize that what I've got on my gut is probably that. I'm not much older than you (23) and I've lost 60 pounds...and it's there. Not sure if more weight loss will help that or if I should just stop and let my skin adjust (I hear it can take some time for your skin to catch up, if at all) or accept that it's probably going to be there unless I'm willing to go under the knife (I'm not).

Amarantha2
11-17-2011, 08:34 AM
It is really common to get these kinds of reactions from people (even our beloved families) when we have achieved a weight loss. There are lots of reasons why they do it, I guess. Honestly, just chalk it up to things you don't need to worry about and when mom starts, smile like the Mona Lisa and realize she is doing it because of something inside her and it doesn't have so much to do with your weight loss as whatever issue she has that is prompting it.

It really is very usual to get these kinds of comments. Don't take it personally. You have done a great job! Congratulations!

Violet73
11-17-2011, 08:45 AM
Just because she is your mother doesn't give her the right to talk about your weight. I would point that out to her. Also, ask her how she would feel if you pointed out her flaws. I understand she is your mother and we should respect our parents, but in this case she is out of line. She needs to be corrected. I would stop going over there on Sundays too. Let her know why. You only weigh 147? You are a great size. Keep up the great work!

butterflymama
11-17-2011, 10:24 AM
I am so sorry your mother is being cruel :hug:

If you feel strong enough I would confront her about it. When she starts to say something hurtful you could say something like "Stop, that hurts my feelings and is not helpful. We are not going to talk about my body" Sometimes bullies really need to be told straight up that they are being hurtful and you refuse to engage with them.

If she will not stop then I suppose you have to weigh out if saving some money is worth being hurt by her. If my mother didn't stop I would stop going over. I know this is harsh but you need to protect yourself. I have learned over my life that sometimes you need to look outside of your family for support.

Munchy
11-17-2011, 10:26 AM
Just because she is your mother doesn't give her the right to talk about your weight. I would point that out to her. Also, ask her how she would feel if you pointed out her flaws. I understand she is your mother and we should respect our parents, but in this case she is out of line. She needs to be corrected. I would stop going over there on Sundays too. Let her know why. You only weigh 147? You are a great size. Keep up the great work!

Agreed. She is showing you no respect as a person, and a mother should be the first one teaching you how to respect and BE respected. I'm so sorry you're going through this.

I second Violet73's suggestion of not going over for Sunday dinners. Putting yourself into that situation week after week is an emotional cost that far outweighs the financial savings of a few dollars each week.

Elliemar
11-17-2011, 10:39 AM
Sadly I recognise this behaviour all too well. All my life my mother has criticised me and put me down whilst at the same time praising my little brother to the heavens and constantly telling me I should be more like him. I tried sitting her down and politely pointing out how hurtful she was being but it's made little difference. She just says I'm being silly and that she doesn't treat me any differently.

Your Mum may not even realise she's being hurtful so definitely try talking to her. If that doesn't work, you may just have to accept that not every parent can be as supportive as we think they should be and instead rely on friends (and this forum) who are.

Well done for what you've achieved so far - it isn't easy, so I applaud your efforts.

Expunge
11-17-2011, 10:41 AM
Wow. Why would anyone say that to anyone else? Much less someone they love and care for, especially their child? :(

It sounds like she's having her own issues with insecurity and feeling inadequate and guilty with her own lifestyle (even if she's not overweight, I've noticed that people of all sizes get really defense and nasty if you're making "better" choices than they are).

Moondance
11-17-2011, 10:51 AM
Your own signature line can be of help "No one can make you feel inferior without your permission." Talk to her about how hurtful her words are. If she doesn't change, then you change.

GlamourGirl827
11-17-2011, 01:46 PM
My response may not be a popular one.
My mother was kind of like that, but really was sadistic in other ways. So, I speak from experience.
I'd call her on it. Just flat out tell her that her comments are rude and uncalled for. If she's overweight, I'd tell her that if she's jealous, she needs to find a constructive way to deal with her feelings of self hatred, and not put you down to make herself feel better. And if she doesn't stop, which, I'm sorry she likely won't. I'd stop visiting her. Harsh I know, but here's the deal...

Your 21. Its very likely that if your mom talks to you like crap now, that this didn't just come out of the clear blue sky. She's probably always talked to you that way. I'd imagine that all you've ever known is a mother that says hurtful things that moms shouldnt say to their daughters. Am I right? So in a way, you are used to or accustom to these remarks that damage your self esteem. Please, let me know if this is the first time your mother has ever been hurtful because I would find that shocking that a woman with a history of supportive words suddenly became mean.
Also, assuming your mother isn't severly socially inept, she's must know that her comments are rude. Seriously, its not like those comments could have been meant to be kind. She was trying to be an @$$. Even if you call her on it, she will probably just get mad that her verbal punching bag of 2 decades wants the verbal abuse to stop, OR if your mother is more of a cryer or plays the victim, she might cry that you've hurt her feelings by pointing it out, therefore making you feel bad for calling her out on her behavior.

Chances are she won't change if this is the kind of person she is. That's not set in stone, though. I'm telling you, she knows she's being hurtful. But maybe she does feel guilty about being a mean person to you, and wants to change, but never really knew how to go about it. Maybe confronting her will help, but be prepared that it won't. Sorry :(
Assuming she does not make an effort to stop talking to you this way, you should ask yourself, would you keep a friend that talked to you this way? Or would you allow a coworker to talk to you this way? I certainly wouldn't. I either had to accept that my mother was going to spend the rest of her life treating me worse than I would ever let someone else treat me (she refused to go to family counciling, but maybe that's another option for you and your mom) or I would have to tell her I would no longer allow her in my life until she was willing to take steps to treat me nicer. She made it clear that as my mother she could treat me anyway she wanted, and so she is no longer in my life.

Its been about 5 years, and my self esteem is slowly improving. Also it feels good to be free from all the fights (I would go back at her when she made rude comments) , drama, and stewing over things she said. My life is much more peaceful now.

I hope your situation works out better than mine.

Mimzzy
11-17-2011, 02:25 PM
GlamourGirl827 - Your right my mom has always said hurtful things. Some of my first memories of her are means things she has said to me through my life. Before calling me "Anorexia" she would calling me "Fatty" or ask me if I wanted cake. She would also tell me it was my fault my boyfriend was getting fat because he was skinny when I met him. Her most hurtful comment that I have herd through out my life is "I brought you into this world, I can take you out". Please don't take this the wrong way, my mother has NEVER hit me or neglected me in any way,shape or form. This comment would come out of her mouth when we would be in the middle of a huge fight and although it's not an excuse lets be real here people say things they don't mean in a heated moment all the time. I have said some pretty horrible things to her that a daughter should never ever say to so I am not trying to play the victim. Obviously, we have gotten into some pretty intense fights over her silly comments but like you said she says "she is my mom and she has every right to tell me exactly what she thinks"

I know she will not change, she never has. She is overweight herself and I think that is where the comments are coming from. She recently started working out but does not have the self control to stick to healthy eating and I think it frustrates her. She has told me several times she has not been on a scale in over 10yrs because she is terrified of the number. My mom used to be an fitness instructor and run daily before she got pregnant with me. In some ways she may blame me for putting an end to her athletic behavior.

Your also 100% right, I would never let another person say those kinds of things to me. Unfortunately, she's my mom and she cannot be replaced like friends can. I admit I don't have the heart to push her out of my life again (I did in my teens already). She was there when I needed a place to get away from my abusive father even after I didn't talk to her for years and she has been there through everything else. She has helped me with money troubles, paid for some schooling, lends me her car and gave me her treadmill. All the nice things she has done for me out weigh the stupid comments. I will have to learn to ignore them or deal with them in a different way.

Thank you everyone for all your support!

amandie
11-17-2011, 05:13 PM
Everyone else has already given you a lot of good advice and support but I just wanted to give you a hug because I totally understand how you feel. :hug: At 5'5 and 140, you are hardly fat so keep that in mind.

twinieten
11-17-2011, 10:03 PM
My mom has a tendency to say mean things, but cloaked as compliments or niceness. She knows what she's doing, but I think she feeds off of the reaction. Over the years, she's gotten better because I won't get sucked in. I just keep my mouth shut and let it roll off my back. For my mom, this is the best approach.

Like you, I'm not willing to sever the relationship, but I have backed off. She's family, shes my mother, so I'm hard pressed to put her out of my life (I have also gone through periods where we had no contact 3 times) but I have no problems putting her on the outside of my immediate circle.

You got great advice, and I'm sure you're going to feel so much better moving forward!

Nocturneluna
01-05-2012, 03:39 PM
Isis, people tend to get jealous at times when people make achievements. It could be that or your mother is generally worried that you are not dieting in the healthy way. Tell her that if she respects you and loves you she will respect all the decisions you make in life and the fact that you want to eat healthier. And you have to be honest with her and tell her that what she is saying really hurts you and makes you angry.
things will not stop if you are not more honest.

sadly, sometimes having more courage is a good thing too.

aliasihaya
01-05-2012, 03:54 PM
Any time I've heard comments like those it's because the person is internally self-conscious about something that you're reminding them of. I don't know your mom's situation and if she's ever struggled with her weight, but maybe she's realizing that if you're not 'fat' according to her standards then maybe she needs to do something about her lifestyle because she can't pick on you anymore for being overweight.

I've normally seen this in a situation with alcohol. Someone stops drinking and the people around them start saying negative comments because it usually amounts to 'Well if they're calling themselves an alcoholic and I drink the same amount I can't possibly be an alcoholic....so they must be stupid for calling themselves an alcoholic'. It's not a supportive response. Anyway, hopefully you get my point.

Don't know if this is your situation at all. But regardless the comments are hurtful and maybe you two need some space apart for awhile. Easier said than done with a parent, but it just sucks when visiting with them becomes detrimental to your self-esteem.

Jan2012
01-05-2012, 10:24 PM
Your mother isn't perfect, and that was a mistake of her, to say hurtful things to a daughter... Agreeing with a couple posters about jealousy thing, people can be so vain and jealous and bring people down to make themselves feel better.

My mother wasn't the best support either especially growing up; and I'm the same age as you, but Ill keep in mind never to do the things she did and not let anyone bring me down in the future.