General chatter - Feel silly because I got hurt by a man I met online, please help.




redbutton
10-16-2011, 05:34 PM
Hi,
As I write this I feel pretty ashamed, but it's bothering me so much that I really need advice. This is long, sorry!

I'm a pretty normal person, and feel that I have my head on straight. I work, pay my rent, have friends that love me, and try to live my best as a kind person.

A few months ago I met a man online. We proceeded to chat over instant messenger, just sometimes, not all the time. We had great friendly conversations, and he trusted me enough to give me all his contact information, website address, etc., so I could be sure he was who he said he was.

About a month ago we began to speak more frequently and we started speaking about how well we got along, and it began to take a more romantic tone. We exchanged numbers and spoke on the phone one day for a long time. It was great.

He wrote me the very next day to tell me how much he had enjoyed speaking to me and wanted to speak to me again. I felt happy because I felt the same way. He began to email me everyday, and leave me really sweet messages. Then, we had our next phone conversation and he was even sweeter than the first time.

Then, I never heard a word from him again. I sent him a message a few days after we spoke, not thinking anything of it, just a hello (like the ones he would send me).

Now, a little over 2 weeks after our phone call have passed, and not a word from him. I know he is still around because he logs into the site where we met, everyday.

That he may not want to speak to me anymore is a bummer, but totally okay with me. What's not okay is that he never said goodbye, and that's what makes me feel so badly.

My main question is, should I send him an email saying goodbye? For my own closure? I really would have been okay if he would have said "hey, I don't think I can talk anymore" or what have you. But it's the not knowing, the feeling of being disposable that's hurting me so much.

I was so careful, not even exchanging phone numbers til after months of emails andl online conversations, I really thought I was being smart about this.

I kind of just want to say "it was so nice speaking to you, and I really wish you all the best in life". I have his number but refuse to call it, and although I have all his personal contact info, I believe in respecting ones' privacy and an email is the only type of communication I would try.

I guess, I want to treat this person like I would have wanted to be treated myself.


Thanks for reading, if you made it this far. :(


yoyoma
10-16-2011, 05:42 PM
There is no way of knowing what happened on his end, but I am going to guess he is married or in a relationship and his SO found out about his conversations. He may have promised to never contact you again. Of course, I could be completely wrong, but it would explain why he dropped you so suddenly when you seemed to be getting along well.

Even if my guess is right, I think it would be fine for you to send the type of message you are suggesting. Whether you do or not, it is definitely time to move on. It's too bad this didn't work out for you, but there is something fishy going on here.

Debi2011
10-16-2011, 05:43 PM
Hi Redbutton. Sad story. Sorry you had to go through that. I always feel that no matter what happens in life you need to "say what you need to say." If you feel it would give you closure, then you should most certainly email. Sadly, there are many people that treat online type relationships as if they are disposable. I have been through the very same experience, years ago. Online or not - it hurts to lose someone you care about. Just do what you feel is right. It will be the right thing for you. ;)


Esofia
10-16-2011, 06:10 PM
Ach, that's horrible. Unfortunately it's one of the risks of online dating, just as there are risks with all sorts of dating. Hopefully you'll find it easier to spot this sort of person more quickly next time.

MariaMaria
10-16-2011, 06:14 PM
Do what you need to do. If he doesn't like it, tough--email is well within the parameters of what the relationship was.

Moving forward, it's worth not getting terribly invested in people you have not met in person. It's not just that chemistry matters, it's that it's a lot easier to be someone you're not on the phone or in email, and also it's that when we don't have a living, breathing person in front of us we tend to fill in the blanks with what we want, which is not always what actually IS.

cheerios
10-16-2011, 06:16 PM
I say send an email to him so you have a sense of closure and I agree with YOYOMA something does smell fishy about the dude. The situation sucks but there are other dudes out there who will treat you way better then that!

kaplods
10-16-2011, 06:22 PM
My main question is, should I send him an email saying goodbye? For my own closure? I really would have been okay if he would have said "hey, I don't think I can talk anymore" or what have you. But it's the not knowing, the feeling of being disposable that's hurting me so much.


Personally, I would advise against it, and I'll explain below.




I kind of just want to say "it was so nice speaking to you, and I really wish you all the best in life".

I guess, I want to treat this person like I would have wanted to be treated myself.



Why do you want to "wish all the best in life" to someone who has ended the relationship abruptly (regardless of why)?


That doesn't sound like closure, that sounds like "I want you to know that I'm not mad at you, so I'll just be here waiting for you, so if at some point in the future you ever want to re-enter my life, take advantage of me and walk all over me again, I'll be waiting!"

As to his motives, if he wanted to share them, he would have. And as for treating him as you'd want to be treated, I'm assuming you also mean treating people as they want to be treated, and not just "I want to treat people as I'd wish to be treated, even if that's the opposite of what they want."

I rather doubt that he wants to hear from you, or he would still be communicatin. If your motive is really treating him the way he'd want to be treated, future communication isn't it.

If you're wanting to treat him the way you think he should have treated you -that's not going to work very well either, because you can't duplicate the exact situation, and he's not going to "get" the message you want him to. He's not going to realize how much he hurt you, and be contrite....

"Wish you the best" gives the impression that you're willing to be a doormat should he ever decide he does want to talk to you again in the future.

If in the future he contacts you expecting all to be forgiven, then the situation will be reversed and you will have the opportunity to "treat him as you'd wish to be treated. You could then say "Thanks but no thanks, I wish you the best, but I found your sudden-disappearance without an explanation hurtful, and an indication that you're not a trustworthy person."


To treat someone as you'd like to be treated, the situations have to be equivalent. You have to imagine yourself in their shoes completely, their motivations and reasoning.


So to "treat as you'd like to be treated," you have to imagine yourself doing what he did. Imagine, you've stopped talking to someone abruptly online and don't feel comfortable telling him why. Do you really want continued conversations from the person? Especially ones that essentially say that he's still interested, and will be waiting for you, whenever you're interested again?


I'm not saying that you should or shouldn't give HIM what HE wants or what you would want in his place - but I do think that any letter that asks "why did you stop writing?" or "I wish you the best, " or even telling him what an butthole he is.... all make you seem clingy and needy and willing to be a doormat.


You're probably not going to get closure, because in all likelihood all the possible explanations boil down to him being a jerk. Probably a married jerk or a jerk in a relationship. Either way - an unavailable jerk. Not someone you want to give an open opportunity to jerk you around again. And certainly not someone you want to say "no hard feelings" to. Telling him off might feel good, but even that sends the message that he's important to you - not something a jerk deserves to hear.

I also like to treat people the way I like to be treated - but there's a whole different set of rules when it comes to dealing with jerks. Jerks don't deserve my time. They don't deserve a "wish you the best," and they don't even deserve the time it would take for me to tell them what a jerk they are, because jerks don't care (or worse, they get a thrill out of the drama they cause in someone else's life).. Telling off a jerk, just gives him what he wants, but shouldn't get - attention for crappy behavior.

bargoo
10-16-2011, 06:54 PM
And don't forget we kiss a lot of toads before we meet the prince.

Lori Bell
10-16-2011, 06:54 PM
Yep...I totally agree with Kap.

Oh, and read the thread about the cheating husband...maybe your guy is him.

dragonwoman64
10-16-2011, 07:04 PM
I agree with Kap too.

Take comfort in the fact that you're a nice person, and wanted to be nice.

Cali Doll
10-16-2011, 08:30 PM
I also agree with Kap (and very well said, Kap!!).

Please let it go and do not contact him at all.

As Kap said, "I want you to know that I'm not mad at you, so I'll just be here waiting for you, so if at some point in the future you ever want to re-enter my life, take advantage of me and walk all over me again, I'll be waiting!"

Is that really what you want to say to this jerk?

evilwomaniamshe
10-16-2011, 08:55 PM
Yup, exactly what Kaplods said!!!! :)

Ookpik
10-16-2011, 10:54 PM
Add me to the list of those agreeing with Kaplods' post!

I also go on Plenty of Fish forums, and the posters say "no response is a response". I know it hurts, but I think it might be best to just let him go.

astrophe
10-17-2011, 12:50 AM
I agree with wanting closure.

I also agree with not opening yourself up to being vulnerable from that guy again.

So perhaps dump it all out in an email or letter, all of how you feel, etc. Then burn it or bury it or chop it up into little pieces so YOU can let this go.

But do not send. Then you aren't leaving him an "in" to zing you again. Become unzingable.


A.

redbutton
10-17-2011, 01:17 AM
Thank you everyone for your input, I appreciate it soo much.

I see the reason it bothered me so much is that although the tone had changed from strictly platonic, I had no dreams that we were going to get together, marry and have babies. He's not the type, nor am I. We are both artists, somewhat unconventional, and enjoy our respective lives the way they are. We met on a networking site for artists, and I had not expected to develop a crush, but since I did, and it seemed mutual, I found it really sweet and great.

What has hurt me so much is the sudden drop, I thought we were building a friendship, and being that he is a man, I think this triggered a lot for me, from my past.

I have decided to not contact him. My reasoning for the "hope you have a good life" deal, is that i have been studying Metta meditation (you send kind an loving energy to everyone, even if they're someone you hate, so you are not filled with that negative energy). Yeah, I know I sound like the kooky Californian. :dizzy:

I'm letting it go, writing it out, reading all your responses, and getting your feedback, has actually given me the closure I needed. I had a low moment and you all snapped me back to reality.

And yes, and if he ever does contact me again I will have the pleasure of saying kiss my a$$! Oh darn, that's not very kind at all . . .:)

Thanks again!

Cali Doll
10-17-2011, 07:17 AM
Good girl! :-))) **HUGS**

ringmaster
10-18-2011, 01:50 AM
If he is still logging in it sounds like maybe he's talking to and met someone else.


I wouldn't send the e-mail because, to me, it would be showing you are hurt and care and makes you vulnerable. It seems he does not care or if he does he's not man enough/too scared to tell you why he stopped talking to you. There's something called "no contact" when relationships end and it usually is the best way to go (to save yourself).

Esofia
10-18-2011, 07:18 AM
I think the kind and loving energy thing is a great idea in many ways, but that's not the same as allowing someone to hurt you further. And contacting this man again would only do that. Send him kind energy in your mind only, don't send him an email. Otherwise, pet, this approach is likely to mix very badly with the world of online dating, which is not a good place for being naive or vulnerable. Maybe read up on some self-assertiveness techniques for women and form a plan whereby you're mixing the two approaches, so that you are safe and protected, and also happy and at peace?

redbutton
10-18-2011, 06:45 PM
Thank you ladies.

I am not going to contact him in any way.

I'm at peace with it now once I wrote it out and got feedback.