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moonkissed
10-15-2011, 07:20 PM
So this is probably going to be very long. I am completely a mess right now and just needed someone outside of the situation to give me their input and maybe they have been through this too.

I have alot of trust issues with my husband. he has lied to me in the past over several things, he was smoking forever kept it from me & then lied that he had quit when I found out. There has been a ton of times where he told me he stopped talking to his ex only to find out that they had still been talking.

Tonight I was playing sims social on facebook and am on a quest that only has a few days left and needed stuff asap so I got on my husband's computer to just get on facebook really quick and send me the stuff. Well while on there I notice he has a message from his ex. I didn't read it then. I wasn't even really looking it was at the top so I just moused over and it popped up.

Well this began to eat away at me. And I got on his computer & checked his email. He usually always logs off but this time he didn't. I read through his emails- which I KNOW was wrong. But having found what I did I kindof feel justified in it I guess. Because without doing so I would have never known.

I found emails from 3 different women.

One his ex girlfriend. Talking about meeting each other and directions to her place. She lives 45 mins away. Talking about how they are soul mates and every email is ending in i love and miss you. How her heart always belongs to him, etc... How her fiance and her broke up over an email that he read that she sent to my husband.... etc... I read some to my sister and she feels that they sound like he was trying to decide if he wanted to be with her or me. and that he did have feelings for her. But the last email/message was from 2009. and then I found nothing else. So she says that means he chose me. But she still sent him many replies on facebook since then asking him why he isn't responding, she misses him, whats up, but I see no messages from him to her on facebook back since then.

We also play an online game called worldofwarcraft. The other emails are from 2 women from the game. Talking about how much they love him and love talking to him. And sending naked pictures and talking about how she loves falling asleep hearing his voice and talking "flirty & dirty" with him.

That is from TWO different women. I am so embarrassed. These women I knew and talked to and counted as friends. They knew he was married and atleast one of them is married because an email talks about her husband. One even mentions me talking to her about something personal so that means I must counted her as a friend. I have no idea who their characters are in the game though as all I have is their emails. But one signed off with a name that I know someone in game with that name and she is married to a friend of ours in game.

The last of those emails was from 2007-2008


IDK though even though all of them came from 2007-2009 maybe he started deleting them after that? I have no clue or way to know. We have been together 11 years and married since 2006....

Even if everything was just online that still counts as cheating to me.

I don't know what to do. I feel so stupid and so embarrassed. How can you ever trust someone ever again after something like this? And idk why but all that is eating away at me right now is that he lied. I asked him many times please never cheat on me and asked him straight to his face if he ever has and to do this? I just don't understand why.


bargoo
10-15-2011, 07:34 PM
Nothing hurts more than to be betrayed by someone you love and trust. I would consider this cheating even if it is only limited to email. He has no right to accept such emails from another woman.Whether he answered them or not is beside the point. He evidently did nothing to stop these emails from coming. If he had told her or both of them, he is not interested, do not email me again. If they had been discouged by him they would not have continued. Have you confronted him with this to see if there could possibly be an acceptable answer to this ?

Ryler832
10-15-2011, 07:44 PM
If it's nothing more than emails and facebook then he is/was emotionally cheating and that is a form of cheating. I'm not sure what to tell you as I have never been in this situation. My sister, however, was in a similar situation. She found out that her husband has been deleting his sent folder. I'm not saying your husband is doing the same but it's a possibility.


moonkissed
10-15-2011, 08:31 PM
Have you confronted him with this to see if there could possibly be an acceptable answer to this ?

I haven't confronted him yet. He is at work still. Closing so he won't be home until 11pm or so. Still a few hours left till then.

I keep trying to think of what to say to him but I don't know yet.


If it's nothing more than emails and facebook then he is/was emotionally cheating and that is a form of cheating. I'm not sure what to tell you as I have never been in this situation. My sister, however, was in a similar situation. She found out that her husband has been deleting his sent folder. I'm not saying your husband is doing the same but it's a possibility.

Yes he uses hotmail which I am not too familiar with but it seems like he has it set up to auto delete his sent folder and trash so nothing is there.

But there are a few emails which they quoted his reply to them- where he tells them he loves them.

I did see the facebook messages to his ex which go back and forth between them and she even linked a whole convo they had on aim.

I just feel so hurt. It doesn't even feel real like this couldn't possibly happen to me. I'll pinch myself and wake up and it was all just a nightmare.

Ryler832
10-15-2011, 09:02 PM
I'm sorry that this has happened to you. NO ONE deserves to be treated this way. I don't care if they are the worst person in the whole world. No one deserves to be disrespected and hurt by the person they care about most. You deserve nothing but respect from him.

First, when he comes home I would ask him about it. Not accuse him. There is a difference. Life isn't always easy and we sometimes have to pick our own battles. Some battles are meant to be left un-fought. In your situation this is a battle that needs to be addressed. I believe in giving people the benefit of the doubt. Give him a chance to explain. If you feel that his answers or response is not good enough or legit then I would take a break from him for some time. That's just my opinion.

Debi2011
10-15-2011, 09:21 PM
I just registered on the site and this is one of the first threads I came across. First... I am so sorry for your pain. I just wanted to give you some hope. I have been in the situation you are in. My husband and I went through a rough time several years ago with him "flirting" online in a similar way. But you know what... while I did feel he was "cheating" on me... we did work through it and we are happier than ever. I liked the advice already given - don't accuse. You definitely should confront and ask him about it and let him know how hurt you are. Tell him how you came about the information honestly and innocently. Give him a chance to explain... Then you can decide where to go from there. It doesn't have to mean that you can never trust him again. I've been there. It hurts like CRAZY and you do absolutely feel like you can never trust again... but there is some hope if you truly want to work through it and you CAN trust again - if he truly wants to make that effort along with you. Sorry for all that you are going through right now and I hope the very best for you.

JessLess
10-15-2011, 09:29 PM
I highly recommend marriage counseling. Good luck and sorry he was being such a jerk.

astrophe
10-15-2011, 09:36 PM
Print this thread.

Hand it to him. Apologize for going on his Facebook and reading his email. That bit was not right.

But since you cannot "unknow" what you found... you want to discuss. Not this second, since he's just home at 11 PM from work and probably needs sleep.

But at least set a date to talk about it when you are both rested, prepared, and have cleared time and space to discuss.

Then go from there -- if you need counseling, or what. One thing at a time.

:hug:

A.

wtfudge
10-15-2011, 09:40 PM
I'm sorry that this has happened to you. NO ONE deserves to be treated this way. I don't care if they are the worst person in the whole world. No one deserves to be disrespected and hurt by the person they care about most. You deserve nothing but respect from him.

First, when he comes home I would ask him about it. Not accuse him. There is a difference. Life isn't always easy and we sometimes have to pick our own battles. Some battles are meant to be left un-fought. In your situation this is a battle that needs to be addressed. I believe in giving people the benefit of the doubt. Give him a chance to explain. If you feel that his answers or response is not good enough or legit then I would take a break from him for some time. That's just my opinion.
I think this is really good advice. You definitely do have to put it on the table though, as Ryler said, unaccusingly. Even though, we kinda know what it is. :/

luckyme0510
10-15-2011, 09:48 PM
I went through this recently. I actually went through it when we first got married, then it completely stopped. Then there was an incident recently.

My husband used to talk to some girl he met on WOW. I hate it when he plays because it is just so time consuming and it seems like some girls in the game just play for the alterior motive of meeting men, and they don't care if they're married. This woman in particular lived far away so I didn't feel the need to confront him for a long time. She was sending him pictures, they were playing WOW together, texting, and even talking on the phone. Eventually it died off without me ever dealing with it.

Recently he received some pictures and had a very intimate conversation with a woman. We know each other's passwords for everything, not for snooping but just for convenience because we have bills and accounts and some are in his name and some are in mine, so I don't know why he didn't think to cover his tracks. I got on his email to check a payment confirmation and baammm... I instantly get an IM from this girl. That easy he was caught... didn't even have to snoop. I started looking through his stuff after the IM and I discovered some conversations and she had even sent him some naked pictures.

Though my husband has never physically cheated on me, when he came home that day I told him it was over. I had expressed to him in the past that I considered this kind of stuff as cheating, even though nothing physical was involved. He admitted he was wrong and he cried and cried and begged for me to take him back. Eventually I did, and I haven't had a problem since.

He explained to me that he would never actually cheat on me. That sometimes he kind of missed flirting and talking to other women, and that he missed having something different sometimes. I appreciated the honesty but I was still hurt. He told me he didn't realize how much it hurt me and that he would never do it again. He said he loved me too much and that having these conversations really wasn't that important to him, he just hadn't though of it as a big deal until I expressed to him how painful it was for me. I snoop every once in a while. I must say that I do trust him, but there is a little part of me that really really really just does not want to be taken for a fool so every few months I'll randomly check everything in his email and go through the phone record just in case.

Maybe you need to confront your husband and tell him how much it hurts you when he talks to other women even if he is not actually meeting up with them. If this is a boundary you don't want him crossing than you need to set it first. Some people have different thoughts on what is right and wrong in a relationship, some people (mostly men) truly believe that if they did not physically touch someone else that they aren't doing anything wrong.

My heart goes out to you. I know how my whole body would shake the times I found these kinds of things, I felt like I was turned inside out. I hope you figure everything out and things work out for the best. For me, it wasn't worth ending my relationship, but if I ever found something again I would definitely leave him. I believe in second chances, but this isn't baseball, you don't get three strikes.

Scarlett
10-15-2011, 10:05 PM
I would print out all relevant emails. Keep a set hidden and keep a set to confront him with. He'll probably delete the emails as soon as you confront him so at least you'll have the hard evidence.

I'd wait until tomorrow to confront him. Give yourself some time to calm down. You have every right to be angry and upset but it would be best to sleep on it before you do anything (IMO).

Maybe get a notebook and really outline your thoughts on the issues and what you want to say to him.

IMO the cigarette thing isn't that serious. Alot of people lie about smoking. It's not even in the same category as the email stuff.

I'm just wondering why he is saving emails that are years old? That doesn't even make sense.

Do you feel like he wanted to get caught? usually guys with these types of emails max secure their accounts.

I think the disrespect of saying these things to women you know is the worst part of the whole thing. IMO thats way worse than having an internet fling with some woman in Texas he'll never meet. He openly disrespected you to IRL people. Good Luck and Hugs. I'm really sorry that you are going though this.

Lori Bell
10-15-2011, 10:20 PM
Oh yeah, like Scarlett said, definitely make copies/or forward copies of these e-mail to your account. (& make sure they are in a secure place). You want rock solid proof when you finally take this SOB to the cleaners...

Gogirl008
10-15-2011, 11:24 PM
:( Everyone else has covered what I would say. So sorry you have to deal with this. :hug:

sheramama
10-15-2011, 11:52 PM
I'm sorry you have to go through this, hon. But, I might be alone to say that as long as it is isolated to email/FB/texts then it isn't cheating. It def is inappropriate and hurtful. I agree with that. I've been on the other side of that. I would never cheat, but when you are going through a rough time, sometimes it's nice to feel attractive and wanted. It feeds the ego and honestly, you appreciate what you have at home more.

Good luck. You have some tough choices and confrontations ahead of you. Know that your 3FC's are here for you.

Beach Patrol
10-16-2011, 10:04 AM
the cigarette thing isn't that serious. Alot of people lie about smoking. It's not even in the same category as the email stuff
I disagree with this, IMPO if he'll lie about that, he'll lie about anything else.

I'd confront him about what you found & make no apologies for how you found it. Take note as to his "self-defense". Is he angry & finger-pointing? Is he remorseful and willing to talk things thru? Is he nonchalant, doesn't seem to care? His reaction to your evidence will tell you a lot; what he says AND how he says it. Pay attention to his body language as well.

I'm sorry you're going thru this. I wish you peace of mind, and I hope you get the answers you're seeking.

98DaysOfSummer
10-16-2011, 10:23 AM
I'm sorry you have to go through this, hon. But, I might be alone to say that as long as it is isolated to email/FB/texts then it isn't cheating. It def is inappropriate and hurtful. I agree with that. I've been on the other side of that. I would never cheat, but when you are going through a rough time, sometimes it's nice to feel attractive and wanted. It feeds the ego and honestly, you appreciate what you have at home more.

Good luck. You have some tough choices and confrontations ahead of you. Know that your 3FC's are here for you.


If you're going out of your relationship for something you should be getting in your relationship, it's cheating. I'm sorry if your boyfriend doesn't make you feel pretty or you think you're not getting enough attention at home, address that AT HOME. Unless you and your partner have an understanding that texts/facebook/chat aren't cheating, it's cheating. You will not solve the "rough time" in your marriage by looking outside of it.

OP, I hope you discussed this with your partner and both of you are in a better place in your relationship today. Couple and individual counseling couldn't hurt. It seems like both of you are getting your social and emotional needs met online a lot and that seems like a danger to your relationship. Maybe you could put that energy into your marriage? It is so easy to present yourself as the victim or as someone misunderstood by your spouse, it's easy to represent yourself as the person you wish you were and the good guy - and it's so easy for the person on the other end to tell you whatever you want to hear. Maybe this isn't a good social outlet for you guys.

Serval87
10-16-2011, 11:08 AM
I'm sorry you're going through this. I've been through similar, and it really hurts. Just be up front about how it affects you, try not to be accusatory (though it may be hard), and just try not to hold a grudge when this has been worked through (something I did).

sheramama
10-16-2011, 11:47 AM
[QUOTE=98DaysOfSummer;4072713]If you're going out of your relationship for something you should be getting in your relationship, it's cheating. I'm sorry if your boyfriend doesn't make you feel pretty or you think you're not getting enough attention at home, address that AT HOME. Unless you and your partner have an understanding that texts/facebook/chat aren't cheating, it's cheating. You will not solve the "rough time" in your marriage by looking outside of it. QUOTE]

Actually, as long as it's flirting and not a whole-let's go meet up-it's natural. People have done it since the dawn of time. Technology just gave it another oulet. It has nothing to do with "feeling pretty". It is where you take it and to what level that matters.

I hope you talked to him. See what he says.

Lori Bell
10-16-2011, 03:30 PM
I'm sorry you have to go through this, hon. But, I might be alone to say that as long as it is isolated to email/FB/texts then it isn't cheating. It def is inappropriate and hurtful. I agree with that. I've been on the other side of that. I would never cheat, but when you are going through a rough time, sometimes it's nice to feel attractive and wanted. It feeds the ego and honestly, you appreciate what you have at home more.

Good luck. You have some tough choices and confrontations ahead of you. Know that your 3FC's are here for you.

How in the H&LL does sending and receiving romantic and sexually explicit e-mail make you appreciate what you have at home more? What planet are you from? Even though you admit to doing the same sort of thing to your SO, It's wrong and it's cheating, no matter what side you are on. Sugar coating it doesn't make it okay, and it doesn't help your relationship.

Actually, as long as it's flirting and not a whole-let's go meet up-it's natural. People have done it since the dawn of time. Technology just gave it another oulet. It has nothing to do with "feeling pretty". It is where you take it and to what level that matters.

I hope you talked to him. See what he says.Oh brother, people have been sacrificing babies and killing each other since the dawn of time too, but it STILL isn't okay even if they use guns now instead of guillotines.

Oh and first you say it's about feeling attractive and then you say it isn't. Give me a break, which is it?

moonkissed
10-16-2011, 04:33 PM
Thank you all so much. It is really nice to be able to talk to others and see things from a wider perspective. I love my family to pieces but they kindof got my back no matter what.

I feel so different today it is weird. Like I am all sad out that I can't be sad anymore. I just feel kindof empty. Like a huge gaping hole is in me and I can't be filled. I even hit my mini goal of losing 20lbs total this morning and I can't find how to be excited or happy about it which sucks. I wrote in my blog about it all if anyone wants to read more about it all but I wanted to comment some on stuff people said, please excuse me that I am not quoting. I don't think my mind is focused enough to be quite so organized.


I do think it is cheating. I think saying I love you beyond a friendly way is cheating. Being alittle bit flirty can just happen sometimes but there is a difference between being alittle silly flirty and being intimate with someone physical or emotional. And being dirty with someone even with words is cheating. I do feel he cheated on me. He broke promises, he broke our marriage vows. He broke my heart. Plus in the letters to his ex he spoke about leaving me for her and couldn't decide who he wanted to be with.

I think it feels worse that he said he loved them. I mean what does that word mean if you just toss it around? It feels like everytime he ever said it to me it meant nothing. or atleast not the same as it meant to me.

The same issue with the smoking. Idk I may be naive but lying to me is such a horrible thing. I am supposed to be your partner in life how could you keep anything from me? And to straight out lie about it is just horrible. We should be able to trust each other with everything and if you lie about one thing what is to stop you from lying about anything else? And then what is the point at all? Which i found out last night he is still smoking too.

I did make copies of the emails and sent them to myself.

I did confront him last night. I stayed up super late he ended up not getting home until after 12:30. I was pretty calm though by then. I had wrote down some things I wanted to say & I just told him we needed to talk and that I didn't want to fight I just wanted to talk and I had questions and I wanted him to be honest. I didn't yell but I cried more then ever. I then told him how I found out.

He admitted it. Not that he could really deny it since I had the proof. He said that nothing physical ever happened, but that he did meet with his ex. But how can I believe him? He says why would he lie about that when he is admitting to everything else. But he is a liar for one, and I have proof for everything else I have no proof of physical sex. And even though it is all cheating physical sex is probably alot worse- so plenty of reason to lie.

I asked why. And he said it was when things were rough in our relationship, we were fighting all the time and he needed someone and to feel loved. It felt like he was accusing me and blaming me for it. I asked how/why it ended. He told me that the stuff online he ended when things got better between us. I asked why he didn't choose his ex and he said he realized things had always been bad between them and why and that he could never be with her- but that has nothing to do with me. So honestly i felt like he didn't so much as choose me over her but just didn't choose her.

he admits he was wrong and sorry and says it will never happen again. But I can't help but wonder.

I also realized that when it happened was during a really bad time for me. I was very depressed. if you don't know I have a panic disorder and things can be very rough for me sometimes. I understand I am not always easy but that doesn't excuse him to do that to me. he should have came to me, tried to work out our relationship or left me. Not gone behind my back.

But when everything stopped was right around the time that I got sick and discovered I had diabetes and was put on prozac and started taking amazing care of myself and ofcourse then feeling happier and better. It wasn't our relationship that got better- all of the same issues are still there. I just got better. So idk how that makes me feel.

idk what to do at all. I am a complete mess of confusion. My sister says I can go stay with them but they r in texas and I am in NY and it would cost a fortune to get there. I would have to leave my stuff, my life, my cats & birds that I desperately love. But i also don't want to just stay because I don't want my life disrupted.

I do love him. But I also feel like so stupid. I always judged others, like how stupid could that girl be for staying with a cheater. he will just do it again and she could do better. Now I am going to be that stupid girl? it is so embarrassing.

I don't know how I can ever trust him again. I already had major trust issues. My bio father was a horrible person who cheated on my mom a ton & cheated on my first step mom & just got arrested as a pedophile on my birthday this year and sent to prison. My step father was a secret drug addict who cheated on my mom and then left her for his ex. I just wanna think god all men are scum who can;t be trusted- which I know logically isn't true. But I thought my husband was different and then he did this.

He seemed sorry and that he knows he was stupid for doing it and wrong. But at the same time alot of what he said made it seem like he felt like it was partly my fault. That hurts alot. Because i feel like we all have our own choices to make and i fully admit my wrongdoings to make the relationship have its rough moments but it was still completely on him to make the choice to cheat or not. Not me. No matter what I ever did it never gave him the ok to do that to me.


I don't have any clue what I am going to do or even where to start. I don't know how I can ever even begin to trust him again. I don't know how to not have this in the back of my mind everytime we fight and throw it in his face. Which would not be fair. It is like how do you move on from this or should I? maybe I should leave? I just don't know.

Right now I am trying to focus on not letting it ruin my entire focus and health. I didn't eat well yesterday or today and I didn't go for my walk today either. I pretty much wanna stay in bed and cry and eat a whole chocolate cake or something which I KNOW would not make me feel better but probably make me feel alot worse. But it is hard enough to stay on track when your world isn't falling apart.

Thanks again everyone :hug:

dragonwoman64
10-16-2011, 05:27 PM
my heart really and truly goes out to you. Lean on your family and friends, trust in yourself to make the right decisions. It's not your fault and you didn't deserve it. Take care of yourself, please, don't mistreat yourself or beat yourself up. Grieve over this, but don't use it as a stick, as easy as it can be to do that.

sorry, I can't help myself to add what a schmuck

swtbttrfly23
10-16-2011, 06:00 PM
What about going out to Texas just to visit for a bit? Maybe getting away will help you sort your mind out. Being around him is automatically going to make you feel a certain way, it sounds to me like you need a little break. There are plenty of decent ways to get down to TX relatively cheaply, you could name-your-own-price for a quick flight down, or maybe hop a train or bus... If it were me, I think I'd need some time on my own to really think about what I wanted to do. If you decide to go back to him, or leave him, that's all your choice and nobody can make it for you, you have to do what you think you need to do. But maybe a little bit of time to yourself might be a nice way to re-charge your batteries.

IsabellaOlivia
10-17-2011, 12:09 AM
Dump him!

CrystalZ10
10-17-2011, 12:17 PM
Why should you leave? Kick him out! Its your place and he's the one who strayed, so hand him his walking papers.

The issue here is that while you were sick, instead of being concerned for you, he was being selfish and finding attention somewhere else. What's gonna happen if you get sick again? Is he going to stray again? I couldn't live with the idea that when things "get rough" he might stray again. And blaming his actions on you is uncool.

I am sorry you have to deal with this crap. Your the one who has to decide if you stay with him or kick him out.

XLMuffnTop
10-17-2011, 12:59 PM
Frankly, I would be devastated if my husband said "I love you" to any other woman besides me, especially in a flirty, sexually charged conversation. That is something that is reserved for spouses, family and extremely close non-romantic friends.

Nothing physical has to happen for it to be considered cheating IMO. The fact is his mind and heart was focused on another person outside of the relationship, especially during a time when you were struggling. And I agree with the previous poster who commented about it sounding like an excuse. If you stay have have children, odds are you won't have sex for a few weeks or even months afterward giving birth. Is he going to run out for attention and sex from other women? On the topic of children, sorry, but sex is usually less frequent once they're in the picture; husbands and wives get less affection than they did before, especially in the infant years. Is this, again, a situation that he will decide is enough reason for him to look towards other women?

My other concern is I don't think he's remorseful. First off, he didn't really communicate anything to you (to our knowledge) prior to being confronted and second, he's kept emails from 2007?? He hasn't deleted or tried to hide them. Instead, they're easy to find and access as often as he desires. They probably give him some sort of pleasure and thrill even after all this time.

I have little patience for cheaters and my husband knows it. Though his ex wife cheated on him so he already know how much it hurts. :( Some people can get past these things, I know I cannot. If it were me, especially without kids in the relationship, I would be gone by whatever means possible. You may or may not choose the same but you need to be very realistic about the possibility of him cheating again. It takes someone very special to do it in the first place with so much forethought then to keep it hidden without being consumed with guilt for years.

I really do hope everything works out best for you and that you continue to make sure your well being is put first. :hug:

Munchy
10-17-2011, 01:50 PM
My ex husband was a cheater. I have a folder full of printed flirty conversations between him and other women. I decided to just keep them, take our child, and leave.
I served him papers within one week of leaving and I've never been happier.

BMXgf
10-17-2011, 02:05 PM
You should be able to confront him, nicely and calmly so no fights break out. If you still want to be with this man that you have dedicated your life to for 6 years then ask that he please lose contact with all women, if he is unwilling then his love as dwindled and he doesn't deserve you. We all have just 1 life to be happy, make it count.

Lovely
10-17-2011, 02:56 PM
Relationships are complicated. It makes some decisions that seem like they should be easy... well... not so easy. Marriage tangles two people together. Your life and stuff and things are all intertwined with his. That makes these decisions even more complicated. :hug:

Do you have a counselor that you can speak to about these things?

After your discussion with your husband, it's clear that IF you choose to continue a relationship with him that couples counseling might help you both. You might want to start there just to get the ball rolling... even if it turns out that you recognize that you don't want to stay with him.

And if he won't go. Then go by yourself. (...and if he won't go, then it might be a clearer sign of other things.)

I'm really sorry you're going through this right now. :hug:

moonkissed
10-20-2011, 01:33 PM
Thank you everyone :hug:

I am still a complete mess. I just can't function it seems. My eating has gone to ****. I binged big time and blew off my walks 2 days in a row & then today I did go for a walk but had to cut it short from stomach issues- probably caused by the binge and/or stress.

Right now he is out of town. He went on a trip with his two brothers to vegas & to blizzcon ( a gaming convention in california). It had been planned forever. Kindof feels like bad timing but also it is kindof nice to be here alone and just be able to think. He is gone for a week so won't be back until wed the 26th.

Right now I am being absolutely childish and not answering his texts. Let him think I jumped off a cliff or moved out on him like I told him I was thinking about. It isn't very mature or nice but he is off having fun while I am sitting home an emotional wreck so I don't care.

I think he still lied to me about more stuff. Things I pieced together. I also just don't know if I can believe anything he says now. I don't think I can ever trust him again.

I still have no clue what to do. But I am going to see a therapist. I have to wait until he gets back because he still needs to update our insurance. He hasn't since we moved and they won't let me do it he has to since it is through his job bleh.

Maybe after that we will do couples idk. He said he would.

Any advice on finding a therapist would be great. Never had to before and it kindof makes me nervous lol

XLMuffnTop
10-20-2011, 02:19 PM
I'm glad you have time to think and be alone to work through this troubling time but I must admit my first reaction was "He left for vacation? To Blizzcon?? To VEGAS?!?"

I know it's been planned for a while but of the men I know, I don't think they'd leave with their marriage on such shakey ground. Did you really push him to still go or was he sprinting out the door? I don't think you're chilish for not answering either. ;) I wouldn't respond if my husband, whose infidelity had just been uncovered, went to Vegas. If it was so important I had to answer and he wanted to talk that bad he shoulda stayed home! (That would be my heartbroken, foot down response if I were in your shoes. :()

I don't think you have to make a decision what to do now. If you feel like things can be salvaged with a lot of time, help and healing, it's worth going to see a therapist. You can stay and give it another go but with your eyes a little more open to what he may or may not be capable of again in the future. If you think losing a little time and a repeat heartache if he cheats again versus throwing in the towel now is worth it then give it a chance.

Hopefully you can come to terms with whatever decision you make. Remember, his cheating is his fault, not yours. Despite whatever issues and problems there are with individuals and a marriage, it just doesn't make it justified to hurt those you're suppose to love and be committed to. :hug:

JoJoJo2
10-20-2011, 02:59 PM
I would suggest that you check with your spiritual advisor. Do you have a church home? A pastor, priest, minister, whatever could be a big help to you in a lot of ways.

I'm so sorry. :hug:

Enyday18
11-04-2011, 01:14 AM
I was doing some research online when I came acrossed this post, I had to reply. Nip the problem in the butt right now. My husband has played wow for years. This summer he began talking to some people who live in San Diego, Ca (we live in Western Ma). We decided to plan a trip out there in october. In august my husband decided he wanted to go out there to "scout this for us to do". I agreed reluctanly. I became suspicious he wasz going to meet a girl he met on because every time I asked who he was going to see he would just say" some guy from wow" and get deffensive. Needless to say he did go there to meet a girl he meet on wow and proceeded to cheat on me with her. The moral of this story.. a "simple" online affair can easily turn into a real life one if he's given the oppertunity.

khumphrey
11-04-2011, 03:23 PM
I had to deal with a similar situation in 2005 - 07, in which my husband went out of town for a business trip for 2 weeks and when he got home I noticed on our phone bill that he had been calling someone down there and talking after I went to bed. So I did a reverse lookup on line and found her name. I approached him about this and he had an affair while he was gone. It is not easy to get past something like this. It has taken me many years to stop checking his phone and other ways of communication. I now know all the passwords to his e-mails and facebook account because he wants to be completely open and honest with me and make our relationship work. We have been together for 15 years and married for 12. We have two beautiful children 5 and 16 months.

If I found something I did not like I brought it to his attention right away and showed him how discusted I was about the situation. There were many times that I would give him the choice me and our home, or his FRIENDS he would chat with. He decided that I was no longer bluffing when I called a lawyer to discuss my options.

I love my husband and felt and still do that he is the person I am meant to be with. Or I would of not fought so hard to keep him. I will say that my persistence kept him from cheating on me again, at least this is what I think. Now he is old enough to see what he would lose if he did cheat again.

I will say that if he decides to cheat on me again I will not stay married.

Sinoia
11-05-2011, 03:59 AM
My partner and I met online, in a game, where we got talking and both attended a `game meet'. Things went on from there. This happens a lot and people do tend to talk at a deep level (we were not what they call cybersexers!) because all the constraints that may edit your conversation in real life do not exist. (this was 14 years ago and we are devoted and happily married)

Sometimes this talking is positive and therapeutic. I am sure we can all relate to it ... it is sometimes easier to confide your fears and worries to strangers. I know this hurts but it is not cheating. What is deception is taking it further, creating a more intimate interaction which really you ought to share with your loved one in real life. There are many reasons this could happen and talking through it is the best way.

I do mean talking. If you love him and want to continue on in the relationship with him you have to set all the hurt aside for now and simply ask him why he feels the need to have intimate interactions with other women. This is not a reflection on you so please do not ever let yourself be brought into question. This is his thing and perhaps you can find a way to understand it and work through it with him.

You will know if he is simply being a jerk and if that turns out to be the case then you can work through that too.

Trust yourself, your feelings and your instincts.

Whatever you do try not to burn up inside with humiliation and self-flagelation. As cruel as it sounds these woman online are not out to shame you, they are simply thoughtless and a touch immoral. I play WoW too (message me your realm and stuff if you want an in-game shoulder. At the moment I am on Nordrassil, Saurfang, and Draenei). I have seen this a lot, as I am sure you have in-game and a lot of it is simply smoke puffs, no fire. Just people testing their wings a little.

big hugs, though, I know it hurts and it is hard to confront.

lola06
11-05-2011, 04:41 AM
First of all, my heart truly goes out to you. There really isn't much to say to comfort you other than just allow yourself to feel what you're feeling, sadness, anger, frustration, all of it, and express it. When you keep it inside that's what makes you want to eat. He wronged you, and even if you don't feel like he cheated, he did violate your relationship.

As I was reading your follow-up posts it sounded like you were taking on some of the responsibility for what he did. Don't worry about not responding to his text messages, he just got busted in a very compromising situation with other women, that most certainly gives you the right to ignore him for a while. You need time to think, geez. But when he comes back, try not to let him gaslight the conversation, you know, make you think you're crazy or being irrational for being so upset with him. Give him the space to take ownership of what he did, sure you both were in the relationship, but is he going to run to another woman every time you two have problems? That sounds like a piss poor excuse to me.

I don't think anyone can tell you to stay or go, that will be completely up to you, and I respect whatever you choose. But know that if you decide to stay and work it out, at some point you will need to figure out how to let go of the hurt and be willing to trust him again. If you don't forsee this happening, you may want to leave him, only because relationships are hard enough as it is, but it's a whole new ball of wax when you don't trust the person lying next to you.

Porthardygurl
11-05-2011, 05:47 AM
As im reading these posts from people all over, in response to your original post. I first must say that i am sorry that you are having to deal with this right now. It is not easy.

I have the unfortunate experience of being the person your husband has been. I , myself struggled with relationship issues with my fiancee and i turned to look for attention and happiness through an online dating site. I sought the kind of attention from other men, that my fiancee was not giving me ex: somone to care to listen to me, someone who wanted to talk about other things besides bills and finances and struggling and sex issues.. I have been in your husbands position, however, it never led to anything beyond talking online and on the phone and it never led to me having sex or dating another man. With that being said, i agree with Lori.. It IS cheating! Regardless, of whether your looking for an emotional relationship or a physical one thats purely plutonic, if you go in search and you flirt with the idea of someone else and make steps towards that, it is cheating!

My fiancee did not find letters or texts or anything that suggested that i was cheating on him. He simply had an intuition and feelings of distance between us. One day he did ask if i was cheating, to which i said "no". However, later that day, i did confess to talking online and over the phone with guys from this dating website. When he asked me why he did it.. i said to him "im sick if being ignored, im sick of feeling like you dont love me or appreciate me or admire me, im sick of you not being their for me when i need to talk to someone, im sick of you being so distant and im sick of you only caring about yourself and not bothering to even think of me.".

See, somewhere down the line, the root of my cheating stemmed not from my desire to be intimate or to be in a love relationship with someone else. It stemmed from my need to have something in my relationship with my fiancee, met. I needed something that he wasnt giving me and in turn i searched for it somewhere else. I looked for it emotionally in other men. In the end, it did nothing but hurt my fiancee who i love very much and hurt our relationship. We sought out pre-marital counselling and it was very hard for him to trust in me. In order for him to feel like he could trust me, i gave him complete 100% access to my computer, my emails, my facebook and my phone as well as any passwords online. I did this to prove to him that i love him and i did not want to hide from him anything. I wanted him to trust in me..but along with me choosing to do this in order to change, our relationship had to change as well. He had to recognize that their were issues in our relationship..some caused by him, that caused me to feel like i had to do what i did..so that had to change to. It became about us having to work together to work through our issues to change for the sake of having a healthy and trusting relationship.

You are aware that he has been cheating. Though those letters and emails are in the past, its still cheating. You confronted him and he told you his side. He told you what he says is the truth ..You have achoice now to either choose to extend to him grace and to love him in spite of it and to decide to work it out through counselling and talking and working through it.. or you can decide to love him but let him go and for you to move on with your life. I can not say to you what is your best option in this matter. All i know.. is that.. being the person i was in my relationship, just like your husband has been..i know i wanted the benefit of the doubt. I wanted the second chance and i wanted the ability to change..and i took it..


By the way..as a happy ending to my sad relationship past..i can happily say that me and my fiancee are still together. We did not break up over this..instead, he chose to forgave me, extended me grace and we went to counselling and we will be getting married this May coming up.. and to this day i have never gone on another dating website, never talked to an ex since and i have remained in an open honest loving relationship that is open for him to see.

Dont give up..take time to think about your options. Dont make a decision in anger or in haste..i know this is hard cause your emotional right now, but just take time to think this through..and i agree with everyone else who said it: go see someone..see a marriage counsellor if you can.. and if he doesnt want to see someone with you..than go by yourself because it will benefit you...and in turn you will be able to make the right decisions.

ButterCup85
11-05-2011, 09:50 AM
My ex husband first lied to me about smoking, multiple times. But, I kne wit we'd fight about it he'd say he quit and didn't blah blah blah. Then it was drinking. And the years into our relationship he admits he'd cheated before and after marriage. Though, it was years prior. That was it for me.

Trust is a hard thing to work on. And MANY people in online games make relationships, it may be in a game but obviously it was taken out of the game and MANY also do come to real life. I've seen it happen numerous times.

You probably hate to hear this, but I'd say leave. Get out fast. Don't waste any more time. It'll hurt, but it'll be worth it. You have a right o be angry, upset, hurt and mad. You use those emotions and do what any strong woman should do. Leave. Strong women can stay and try to make it work, but for someone to do things over and over means they have no remorse, the more you do something the less it bothers you even if you know it's wrong. You deserve someone who loves you and only you, someone who cherishes you. It isn't fair, it isn't okay. Either way I wish you the best. But, speaking from similar experiences I am so happy to be divorced. 8 years of my life went to that man and not a second more. I learned a lot, I still think of him and wish him well, and yes I still love him. But, I'd never ever be with him again. Never.