General chatter - Am I Being Ridiculous?




View Full Version : Am I Being Ridiculous?


GonnaTurnHeads
10-11-2011, 08:23 PM
So, here is some drama (perhaps petty drama, but most relationship day-to-day stuff is...) and I am genuinely asking if I am being crazy, irrational, or whatever because sometimes, I'm just not sure...

Here is the deal: I have been in a relationship for several years and we live together. He has been unemployed for several years and I am the breadwinner, which definitely adds stress to things. It also means he is at home while I work *all the time*.

I went out and bought groceries, including a whole bunch of Naked juices to use as meal replacements. (Of note, they are expensive!) I bought them friday evening, then I have been working 13hr over nightshifts since then. Now today is tuesday. Its my first day off, I go into the fridge and all but 2 of them are gone.

I notice he grabs one of the two remaining and goes to drink it with his dinner.

I said "Hey, could you save me some of those? I bought them because I wanted to have some and they are almost all gone now! Besides, there is a bunch of calories in them, I got them as meal replacements. If you want just regular drinking-as-a-drink juice, we can pick up a gallon of apple juice or something."

His response was that if I wanted to drink them, I should have. I explained that I've only had them there a few days, I buy our groceries for two weeks at a time and I don't feel that I should have to eat/drink everything that I will want in the first few days or else it will all be eaten. I said its fine if you drink some, but I think it is common courtesy to not eat/drink ALL of something - if I bought a case of soda, don't drink ALL the cans, if I buy a loaf of bread, don't eat the whole loaf - save me some, because if I bought it - it's because I want to eat some of it and I shouldn't have to eat it all immediately.

Because of this, he said I was being an a**hole for complaining about juice, that its "just FFIINNNEE, he won't have ANY juice EVER AGAIN" and that if I want to eat the groceries that I buy, and he eats all of it, that I should just go buy more and if I don't eat it quickly, he will eat it.

I'm so frustrated by this! I don't want to have to write my name on food in my own house, I want to buy things and actually be able to have them myself!!!! I want some common ideas of "hey, she bought this, she probably will want some, i'm not going to eat everything!" --- This is *exactly* why I don't buy lean cuisines or fiber one bars for work anymore because they are all eaten before I have a chance to eat them myself, because I go to work and he is at home all the time, slowly munching his way through the contents of the house! I may buy a box of granola bars, eat one of them, and in 2 days, the whole box is gone!

GGGAAHHHHH. I spend hundreds of dollars every two weeks to keep food in the house as is, I don't want to have to keep going back to buy more just because he has a personal policy of "eat it now, or not at all!"

But because I'm asking him to be more considerate, I'm an "a**hole" who is being "petty and ridiculous" and should just "go buy more." He says that I shouldn't complain about anything and by caring about things like this, I make him feel as if everything he does is wrong and he shouldn't have to think twice about how much of whatever he eats in the house... I said his mentality of "I won't ever have juice every again, its FIINNEE" is just playing a martyr role when all I'm saying is, be considerate and don't eat all of something in the house - especially expensive stuff that he knows I really like and bought for myself. Its especially frustrating to me because I really don't like being the only one employed, I really hate being the only one who buys anything, pays all the bills, pays for all the dates and it comes on twice as hard for me with stuff like this because its not like he can go out and buy me more of something - I just have to shell out twice the money...

I am about the time where I should be PMSing, and I realize that fact. I also realize that when I am PMSing my judgement is off a bit... I don't want to be a jerk about things and am quite open to apologizing if I really am being silly... but at the moment, I don't feel like I'm being silly!!


Help ladies, 3rd party insight?


EagleRiverDee
10-11-2011, 08:29 PM
I can so identify with this. When I first began dating my DH, who was a single father of 2 young boys, we had a similar argument and he told me "You snooze, you lose." Seriously. I put my foot down and we came to an agreement on how I could mark some things for my use. Any "lean cuisine" dinner was mine, as an example, all other freezer food was fair game for them. And I got a drawer in the fridge that I could stash stuff in that was for my use. That system has worked very well.

Purplefirefly
10-11-2011, 08:39 PM
I am in a similar situation, since my hubby has not been working for awhile now and I am earning all the money. I do not think you are being unreasonable, but I think the real issue is his not working and helping you pay for that food. I believe that most petty arguments have deeper roots, and the job situation seems to be your deeper root.

Maybe you are starting to resent him for sitting at home eating up everything and throwing all responsibility to pay for the stuff on you? If that is the case, then there could be deeper relationship problems coming. Resentment is a big thing that can come between you. It doesn't sound like he has much respect or appreciation for how hard you work to pay for everything...the "just go buy more" shows he either doesn't appreciate what you are doing or he doesn't understand how hard you work to buy the stuff.

maybe it is time to have a heart-to-heart about his not working. If that is he issue, then it needs to be cleared up as quickly as possible. Is he trying as hard as he possibly can to find a job? Maybe you can do something to help him find a job? Then he could "go buy more" himself!

I also make an effort to buy some things that just he likes and I do not touch them. Maybe something like that will work with your guy? Ask him if there is something he would like to have instead of yours and you will buy him some, then you can each stay to your own stuff on those items.

Just me, but if my hubby ever said "just go buy more" it would be a huge issue with me. He has never done that and is very respectful as far as what i buy for myself, etc. because he knows I am working hard to buy those things and he is not helping right now. I also know that he is trying his hardest to find a job, so there is no resentment there.


shishkeberry
10-11-2011, 08:43 PM
Honestly, your boyfriend sounds like a jerk. Why do you keep him around? I take it you don't have children so it's not like he's a SAHD, right? What is he contributing? Is this how you want to live the rest of your life?

JessLess
10-11-2011, 08:45 PM
I don't think you are being unreasonable. My husband works from home and going to the store goes on his chore list anyway. We both put in money and there are a lot of things that he knows I need for my diet and he makes sure they are in the house. I think that's just being respectful. I wouldn't expect kids to be able to do that, but I expect an adult to.

CanadianCutie
10-11-2011, 08:51 PM
This totally reminds me of something with my ex. I wasn't eating bread (it made me feel unwell) but was able to eat whole wheat flour tortillas. He knew this was my reason for buying them. There was a loaf of bread that was just for him, yet he ate my last two tortillas with his breakfast, and didn't understand why I was mad.

My only suggestion is to have him go through the adds with you, or go shopping with you, and pick out things for him. Perhaps he is feeling he has no control in things, and this is his way of acting out. You are not being ridiculous at all. You need to put your foot down, and if he doesn't listen get a minifridge/freezer with a lock on it and keep the just you stuff in it.

zenor77
10-11-2011, 08:54 PM
I will say that I have to tell DH when I buy certain things for recipes. Especially cheese. He can go through a 2lb brick in a couple of days. So, I tell him not to eat certain things. I don't think you are being unreasonable.

It does sound like this is about more than just food. There seem to be deeper issues. I think the two of you need to sit down and talk about these issues.

Does he contribute in other ways? I'm the one in our house who isn't working. We do have a 1-year old, but I never intended to stay home. It just worked out that way. I bust my butt cooking, cleaning and taking care of our son (since I'm not working.) I feel guilty about not bringing in money, so I do what I can around the house. DH and I talk about this a lot. My guilt, that is. I guess what I'm saying is, he should be doing something to contribute. Even if it isn't money. It sounds like this might be what this is really about. KWIM?

GonnaTurnHeads
10-11-2011, 08:55 PM
Just to add to the discussion - everything I go shopping, I do ask what he wants and I buy his "special" stuff, and I bring him with me, ask "Is there anything else you want?" and then I go buy my own stuff - and he will eat his stuff AND my stuff unless "my" stuff is something he doesn't like.

As far as helping around the house issues, he will do things if I ask him to (usually) but he will generally not do it on his own initiative unless it is to take care of the cats.

The resentment has been a HUGE issue for a while now and we've been pretty open about it, but it generally ends up with him being upset because I "make him feel bad" and "he would never make ME feel bad if the roles were reversed"... He *just* got into school after a few years to try to get a job hopefully and ease the load. The plan is that after his 18 week program is up and he gets a job, I can start working part time and take a break.

shishkeberry - true, we are not married and this is not how I plan on spending the rest of my life, but he has been unable to find work and is going to school a couple days a week in the morning to try to make himself more marketable in the future.

sontaikle
10-11-2011, 09:10 PM
He's being a jerk, plain and simple.

However, I live with three men (my brothers and my father) and quite frankly they have the attitude that all food is for them. I've had so much of food that I planned to have eaten.

My mother and I have had to resort to hiding food simply because we can't eat it fast enough. I've stashed away my fiber one bars, hidden my leftovers at the back of the fridge and put snacks in cabinets. My mother and I know all of the hiding places and we've found that if it's out of sight they won't eat it.

It sucks to have to do that, but it seems to be the only way I can keep things around :/ I'm hoping my fiancee isn't like this (so far he doesn't seem to be)

EZMONEY
10-11-2011, 09:21 PM
How old is this child living for free in your home?

Reminds me of a room-mate I had when I was young....we grew up together, a very good friend of mine, still is today almost 40 years from the moment I will speak of....

We bought our own food/drink but if he ran out he would eat mine....leave me $$$ for it. I told him fine but do not drink my last Dr. Pepper...no matter what I said it seemed he would....

Hard to drink a dollar left in the fridge with your dinner meal....

He had to go otherwise we would not still be friends today!

GonnaTurnHeads
10-11-2011, 09:27 PM
How old is this child living for free in your home?



30, almost 31.

free1
10-11-2011, 09:33 PM
I don't think you're being unreasonable. But...and I say this with all due respect and 3FC love...he can only do what you allow. I think the lack of consideration is not okay nor would it be okay to say that you'rea acting like a "#$# hole." It's a level of respect for what makes you happy.

My DH is not perfect BY FAR....one thing that I do appreciate is that he respects what is important to me. Sometimes he will tell me that he doesn't understand but agrees to do something because it means something to me.

Similar story, I had a low calorie dish that I was saving to eat. He decided to eat it with his CHILI (that I couldn't eat). I called him in a huff and he said "I didn't realize you were saving it for something. I'll pick up some more when I go to the store." And he did- along with some of my other favorite low cal stuff.

It seems the issue is not the drink or the exchange but a mutual respect issue. Hope I didn't offend....:)

bargoo
10-11-2011, 09:47 PM
This is a very immature individual. I don't think talking to him will do any good. I would lock any nonperihsable foods in the trunk of my car, take them out one at a time.

TooManyDimples
10-11-2011, 10:03 PM
Honestly, your boyfriend sounds like a jerk. Why do you keep him around? I take it you don't have children so it's not like he's a SAHD, right? What is he contributing? Is this how you want to live the rest of your life?

Yeah, I'm with shishkeberry on this. Seriously, it might not be his fault that he can't find a job, but it sure as heck doesn't sound like he appreciates everything you do for him. He's not your son, he's supposed to be your partner. I wouldn't put up with the things you've told us and my guess is you put up with a lot more that you haven't told us.

EZMONEY
10-11-2011, 10:30 PM
When the kids were all growing up we had to set respectful boundaries on certain items...mainly snack stuff and fruit...

They all had their favorite ones, which was not a problem....but when theirs ran out some of them thought everyone else's favorites was fair game...

As a family we learned to set those respectful boundaries....

which pretty much was....

Ask before you take.

124chicksinger
10-11-2011, 10:51 PM
Next time you go shopping, leave your non-perishibles in the trunk and bring them to work with you on Monday and store "your foods" for work at work. You can go back to buying those fiber bars. For frozen or refrigerated foods, if you can make a lunchtime run, do that. As a general rule, I leave certain foods at work (jar of peanut butter, granola or kashi bars, glucerna diabetic shake, progresso soups, raisins) and in the frige skim milk and a couple frozen meals. That's one answer.

I question, however, that living together for this time and him being unemployed for so long, is that grating on your nerves? Maybe you want to revisit your situation.

Not speaking from experience, but I work with a gal who put herself through college and went back while working at our place and got her masters degree, while her BF of 5 years has been unemployed for the past 3. She pays the bills, cleans the house, does most of the cooking, walks the dogs. She called me one night at 10 p.m. while walking the dogs...because he wouldn't. They don't live in a great area, and I was very disappointed in him, and that she would take his crap. So, you may be reaching a point where you want to reevaluate your relationship--cuz maybe its more than him arguing about food and calling you an ahole.

astrophe
10-11-2011, 11:17 PM
NO! You are not crazy to want healthy boundaries, good manners, and some respect in your relationship!

I'm getting the impression that there's a lot of mind games from reading your post and you yourself are doubting your own thoughts and having to check with other people. That he has a habit of side tracking and blame shifting it on to YOU whenever something has to be sorted out. Then you don't know yourself if your complaint is valid any more or not.

And while you go around muddled, then he's off the hook, huh?

Look -- I don't know him, but cruise thru the link below and see if you have any other red flags. You do not have to share them here in public. But you have enough in your post that made me think "Uh oh. If it were me I'd be checking the list for more red flags!"

http://speakoutloud.net/wp-content/uploads/2010/08/Tactics-Murphy-2010.pdf

Love is a gift. It should not be used as a weapon. Anyone pulling the "If you REALLY loved me you would..." is being manipulative with your gift. Red flag.

He doesn't want to talk about his failing basic good manners is a red flag. He's a BF. His consideration and good manners for you ought to be even BETTER than a basic roomate because you are in love, right? So how come he's a food gobbling bad roomie who hogs everything?

And trying to make YOU responsible for how he feels rather than HIM being responsible for HIS actions? You are supposed to make the whole world agreeable for him so he never has to feel yucky? How's that supposed to make YOU feel?

And that still doesn't answer the original question. Now that you have expressed a reasonable need (to share our food evenly so I can eat too) -- what's he going to do about his behavior to address it?

I hope this is a temporary unbalance and with a good talk and some conflict resolution you can get back on track and play more like a team. Being jobless is stressy and can be depressing and makes people act out of character temporarily if they are frustrated.

But if this is chronic, and it is typically always a skewed relationship in his favor with you doing most of the work emotionally, mentally, financially, etc... it might be more like his true colors coming out. Then you have some hard thinking to do.

I'm very sorry you are experiencing this.

But yeah, you are NOT being unreasonable. And you do have some red flags there.

:hug:
A.

nina125
10-11-2011, 11:26 PM
My husband and I have similar taste in food, so we never quibble about whose food it is. We usually split leftovers if there is enough for the both of us. If there is enough only for one person, we'd call and make sure that the other person was not planning on eating it when they got home. If we did accidentally eat something that the other person was looking forward to, we apologize and promise to replace it instead of calling the other person an a**hole.

sheramama
10-11-2011, 11:35 PM
I just want to know if there is a reason why he can't find a job. Tell him to get off his a$$ and help out. He seems to be free loading and you're not his mom. Then he can eat whatever he wants.

ERHR
10-12-2011, 12:41 AM
About the juice: I have done this to my husband recently. We cooked some venison that we we got as a gift one night for dinner and we each had some and there were lots of leftovers. I had a bit of the leftovers each of the next few days until there was only about one serving left, at which point my husband complained that I had eaten all of the venison. I honestly didn't know that he hadn't had any as well, since we hadn't been eating together and I didn't remember how much we had started with. Here's how we solved the problem: He asked me to check with him before I eat more than half of a "special" type of food that we have cooked. And the next time the situation came up I did ask him and he okay'd me to eat more than my half.

Here's the point: Communicate. Give your boyfriend a chance to respect your grocery boundaries by clearly delineating them for him before you get into an argument about it, at which point everyone is defensive and whatnot and it's very difficult to solve things. Don't get super mad about this until you've made your expectations clear.

Obviously the unemployment thing is a major source of tension. It's hard on you and it's hard on him. I listen to a lot of coverage on the economy and job market and such and I've heard losing a job compared with a death in the family several times. It's boiling over into all these other areas but you know it is the root issue. I don't really have any advice because I haven't been through something similar.

Purplefirefly
10-12-2011, 02:23 AM
Just to add to the discussion - everything I go shopping, I do ask what he wants and I buy his "special" stuff, and I bring him with me, ask "Is there anything else you want?" and then I go buy my own stuff - and he will eat his stuff AND my stuff unless "my" stuff is something he doesn't like.

As far as helping around the house issues, he will do things if I ask him to (usually) but he will generally not do it on his own initiative unless it is to take care of the cats.

The resentment has been a HUGE issue for a while now and we've been pretty open about it, but it generally ends up with him being upset because I "make him feel bad" and "he would never make ME feel bad if the roles were reversed"... He *just* got into school after a few years to try to get a job hopefully and ease the load. The plan is that after his 18 week program is up and he gets a job, I can start working part time and take a break.

shishkeberry - true, we are not married and this is not how I plan on spending the rest of my life, but he has been unable to find work and is going to school a couple days a week in the morning to try to make himself more marketable in the future.

Being unable to find a job does not excuse how he treats you. The biggest issue seems to be his lack of respect and appreciation for you. You deserve to be treated with respect. The way he speaks to you when these things come up is inexcusable. I think that is what you should realize...you deserve to be treated with more respect and courtesy. He should make an effort to listen to what you need and work with you, not against you. Since he is not working, he should be making every attempt to help you stretch the money you bring in...that includes eating less, making sure you get your share of things, so you don't waste money buying more and more.

He just seems so selfish, which is not how most men out of work are to their spouses/girlfriends supporting them.

melodymist
10-12-2011, 02:53 AM
Maybe it's just me, but I think most men are like this. Take my step father. It's like when there's food, he sees how fast he can eat it.

And yes, call me crazy, but I hide some of my food! :D

Porthardygurl
10-12-2011, 05:04 AM
Hmmm...after reading your post let me start by summing up what i hear you are saying in your original post:

> You resent your boyfriend for getting to sit around while you work hard all day at your job
> You resent your boyfriend because you feel that its not fair that you have to pay all the bills and he doesnt have to pay for anything
> You feel frustrated because he doesnt understand where your coming from in terms of how you feel regarding him drinking your "special" juices that you bought for yourself.
> You feel angry, because he doesnt listen to you or recognize your needs
>You feel angry, because you dont feel like he validates how you feel
>You dont feel respected or appreciated for the hard work you do to pay all the bills and to keep things running.
>You feel like it isnt a fair situation. You feel that you understand is situation in terms of school, and yet he doesnt understand your desire to have what you need in the house for when you need it and in turn this causes you to feel like he just doesnt care.

This what i hear you saying. You are allowed to have those feelings. This is me validating your feelings, because it is apparent to me, that you needed validation from him and you did not recieve it, and so you came here online to this forum looking for it. So i am telling you right now: Its okay. I understand how you feel. You are not wrong to feel angry or frustrated. You are allowed to feel like there is no respect concerning your boundaries or personal space. You are allowed to feel like there is no fairness in this circumstance and you are allowed to feel exhausted and emotionally drained because it feels like everything is on your shoulders right now. You are allowed!

Now that i have said that: Lets look at the situation and some possible soloutions or ideas that can help.

1) His claim to you that "you" make Him feel no good and that its all his fault ect..is not actually the root of the problem. You hear him blaming you for his feeling like this, and while i cant say what you have or have not said cause i wasnt there. Do you think there is a possibility that perhaps you said something to him(that maybe even sounded harmless) that might have caused him to feel like a failure or like he isnt good enough? I want you to understand that even if you did say something that was a little hurtful, the root of his unhappiness is NOT you causing him to feel that way. It is more than likely, that he already felt like a failure or didnt feel good enough, before you ever came along and said anything to him. When a man has no purpose, when a man cant provide, when he has no job, when he is powerless. He does not feel like a man. See, it is naturally born into men to be the sole provider, to go out and hunt and kill and bring back the meat. For a man, it is a challenge to conquor. Do you think that him having no job makes him feel very good? Men like adventure and they live to have an adventure but when a man is powerless, and worse, when a man realizes that he is depending on a women(whom he should be providing for)..it causes him to feel weak. His pride is hurt, and a sense of defeat and failure comes in. So please, do not think that you have caused him to feel this way..he already did.

2) Resentment is a nasty thing. Did you know that if you allow that if you harbour resentment in your heart to someone, that it will continue to grow into a full blown hatred if not dealt with? Did you also know that resentment if not dealt with can produce physical symptoms? Resentment and anger, do nothing for your beauty or health. It just makes you angrier and unhappier and it puts a dividing wall between yourself and the person you love, so you need to deal with this. How? You need to come to the conclusion within yourself, that its time to let the anger go. If this means you must scream and shout and punch things( i said things not people), then do it. If you need to start going to the gym and running on a treadmill until you no longer have the energy , than do it. If you need to journal how you feel, do it. The point is: it needs to get out of you. Once it is out, you need to surrender to the fact, that at this very moment in time, you do not have control over your boyfriends lack of job. You do not have control over his lack of finances. See, we often resent that which we can not control. So, you need to make a decision: You choose to let it go and love this boyfriend, no matter how imperfect he is. You can love him in the circumstances you are in and choose to accept that this is how it is currently and it may be like this for awhile. Or..you can choose to try and control the situation by putting stipulations on your relationship such as "if you dont get a job I will do...." or "get a job or else". If you choose that route, be aware that you may put your entire relationship on the line. Is this a battle you really want to fight that way?

3) Did you know that life isnt fair? Did you know that regardless of what situation we are in, in life. The world does not owe us anything. If we go around with the attitud that someone owes us, we will never be satisfied. We will never be happy. In fact, we will feel incomplete because we will never feel that "this is good enough" or "that is good enough". Please understand what im saying here. Im not saying that its not okay for you to feel like its unfair. You are always entitled to your own feelings. However, feeling it and living it are two seperate things. Again, if you want to be happy in your relationship, you need to let go of this fairness issue.

I recognize that you are not married but you have been living together as if you were. Now, in my own personal relationship with my fiancee of 2.5 years, we have agreed, that my money is his money, his money is my money. We share everything. However, he has the job that pays the most and in turn is responsible for all the bills. If i had the highest paying job, it would be my responsibility to pay the bills. It doesnt mean that because i dont pay bills, that i can just keep all the money i make for myself. When he wants something, i buy it for him. When we go out to dinner, i pay most of the time. When we go out on vacation i pay. Why? Because he has the bills and the household payments. My money in my account is extra spending money we can use to have fun with. We have a budget we agree on. We spend 200$ a week on groceries and we go shopping together for them. Once the 200$ is spent, thats it. There is no extra things. That means, if he chooses to drink all the pop in our house, then its gone. If i choose to eat all the pie, its gone.
You need to sit down with your partner and go through your budget with him. You can give him spending money for stuff that he wants and you can have money for your groceries. Explain to him that if he continues to eat all of your stuff, you will either a) be forced to lock it up or b) will not provide anything that he wants anymore. It will be your sole decision

He needs to learn to respect your boundaries and you need to learn how to hold your ground. If this means sitting down and writing out a list of things that you need him to respect and him needing to do the same, then do it. Talk together rationally about it. Discuss how you feel and never start the conversation by saying "you did this or you did that". You need to start with I feel... because this is about how you feel..

Last but not least: if you can not agree to work this out,then i suggest counselling. If he does not agree to counselling, then maybe its time to think about where your relationship is headed.

Oh and one other note: I understand that you are feeling drained over your circumstances right now, but any support and encouragement you can give to him would help, remember..he doesnt feel like "the man" right now..so it would help your relationship alot if you took time to encourage each other through something as simple as saying "you know hunny, i know your not perfect, but i love you" or "i see your trying really hard in your program, im proud" or " i love it when you do the laundry for me it really helps me out".. Positive enforcement enforces positive behaviour.

Good luck and sorry if this is a little long.

Esofia
10-12-2011, 06:06 AM
Just a question, but are you actually telling him explicitly which foods are for you alone as soon as you bring them home? And what happens when he does the shopping, which I'm assuming he does about half the time? Do you tell him to buy things specifically for you, and mention that you're the only one who will be eating them as they're expensive diet foods? Does he go into the shop with a set budget and a list of things to buy?

Because if none of this is happening, then he's just having food provided for him, eating what is sitting around, and then suddenly being told that he wasn't allowed to eat some of it, had been expected to know that through mind-reading, and in fact is being resented for not being the one who paid for the food in the first place. Asking him what his "special foods" are when you do the shopping does not magically convey the information that some of the other foods you bought are off-limits. You're not doing all that, I hope? It did sound a bit as if you were, and furthermore as if you were grabbing the fruit juice out of his hand when he was simply trying to have a drink with his dinner, but I'm sure there's plenty you've left out.

I can see why you're both frustrated, it's a hard situation (and for anyone making snide remarks about how he should be able to get a job instantly, try looking at the current economic situation - although I do agree that several years of unemployment suggests that he is turning down the more basic jobs), and if either or both of you has been expecting the other one to mindread (a common problem) then it will be a lot harder. You need to have some good conversations about these issues until you have worked them out. Probably not when you're premenstrual. If you end up talking about it anyway when your behaviour is being markedly affected by your hormones, then for heaven's sake make sure you tell him that you're premenstrual and overreacting to stuff. You'll still be weepy/snappy/whatever, but it makes it much easier to get through it, trust me.

Esofia
10-12-2011, 06:57 AM
Oops, I just realised that my last post sounded as if I was heaping all the blame on you. I'm really not, he's being something of an insensitive twit here. But everyone else had already analysed that side of things, so I thought I'd explore another side, and did so rather one-sidedly. It honestly sounds like it's both of you bouncing off each other due to stress and poor communication, and I think that happens to everyone sooner or later. If it's any consolation, my partner and I have to deal with some similar issues as I am stuck in the house unable to work due to disability, and he has a very stressful job, and it really does weird things to the power balance and so forth. We're much better at dealing with it these days, but it's been pretty hard work at times. We usually end up leaving problem issues until we're both really upset about them, preferably when I'm seriously premenstrual as well (I get PMDD, the nasty end of the spectrum), which means that our Big Discussions almost invariably start late at night and involve me crying a lot. Ever heard the saying that PMS is when you cry because you can't get your shoes on?!

shishkeberry
10-12-2011, 09:19 AM
Being unable to find a job doesn't give him the right to be a snide jerk. Any normal BF would have apologized and asked how he could make it up to the OP. They would not have called the OP an *******. Also, if he was really feeling bad about being out of work, he'd be doing whatever he could to keep house while OP is at work. She said she has to ask him to do anything. Sounds like a lazy mooch to me, and a jerk to boot.

krampus
10-12-2011, 11:19 AM
No, you're not being crazy. If he can't respect your boundaries in the fridge and uses passive aggressive guilt tripping as a defense when you confront him about it, that's just sad and pathetic on his part. Kudos to you for putting up with that - I wouldn't.

TurboMammoth
10-12-2011, 11:23 AM
Oh god! I totally feel you!

I had the exact same problem with my first roommate in college. We were sharing food and he was paying a bit more of the bills than me (we were splitting 40% for me, 60% for him, because he was eating just so much more than me) but he would always finish the good stuff... And it was driving me NUTS!

One of the time, I got really frustrated, because I would always buy hummus and spinach dip when I was going to the grocery (kinda expensive for the quantity). He was NEVER buying any. I was always wondering how the hummus was getting empty after like 2 days until that time when I walk in the kitchen and saw him putting TWO freakin tablespoon of hummus on a single tiny crackers.

I went like ''can you juste save it a bit and not eat so much of the hummus like that!??''

His answer was : ''I'm paying more than you, get lost''.

******* idiot :|

We stopped sharing groceries lol.

But with a boyfriend, it might be harder... Hope you find a solution! xxx

Skittlez
10-12-2011, 11:30 AM
He's being disrespectful. It doesn't matter that you work and he doesn't, if he did all the working what he said would still be just as stupid. You shouldn't have to rush and eat your food before he eats it. Maybe he didn't understand that you wanted those for yourself because their foods you use for dieting, but if that was the case he should have appologized when you asked him not to drink them all. Stand up for yourself and tell him that he can get what food he wants, but he shouldn't touch the things that you get just for yourself, like diet foods. If he wants some as well he should speak up, but not devour yours because he eats anything in sight. He's not 12, he knows better and should respect that not everything is his just because he wants it to be.

JOLINA
10-12-2011, 12:38 PM
If it was me, I would stop bringing a lot of the food home.
I would supply just the very basics for him. Flour, yeast, oatmeal, sugar, salt, pepper, dried beans, shortening, dry milk, potato flakes. And the cheapest hot dogs you can find.

For beverages...Kool-Aid packets. For bread, get a breadmaker...and if he wants bread...he can make it.
Disconnect the cable TV.

Spend the money you save on a gym membership. And save for a singles cruise once a year. Go by yourself. Go out with your friends by yourself.
If he wants to tag along, let him pay his own way.

Tell him you are on an austerity program. You are living your own life from now on. If he wants more at home, he will have to supply the money for the extras.

It's just too expensive to feed and house a mooch. Your mom and dad did not spend a lot of time and money raising you just to be taken advantage of by a free loader.

He has a family. They can take care of him. If not, there are homeless shelters. It looks like he is in dependency mode and likes his set-up just fine. There are always a lot of guys going from house to house looking for a lonely woman to take care of all their needs. They are now using the bad economy as an excuse to cover up their free-loading.

I have had a few sad sacks try to run a hard luck story over me in the past.
They are looking for a set-up. A place to free-load. I walk away from the mooches. I wouldn't give any of them the time of day. Some of them can be real flattering and turn on the charm. YUK.

A single friend of mine has also run into guys that are on the take. They'll take a lonely woman for anything they can get.

My neighbor recently divorced her husband after he lost his job.
She has a very good job with the school system and has 4 teenagers.
He would not contribute anything at home for months. He refused to cook, clean, or do the laundry. He sat around all day playing video games. He became ungrateful and hostile. He became abusive and started fights. The police were there every other day.
A really big problem for her and the police. He is gone now.

My cousin just booted out a free-loader. He went directly back to his ex-wife and is mooching off her now. That won't last long.

Another friend of mine has a good job and lives with a free-loader. He is a drunk. Has DUI'S.
BUT...
He does all the cooking, laundry and cleaning, and yard work. The place is spotless. He is clean. He is a gourmet cook. The only problem. When he drinks, he gets to throwing things around. The police are called. He does pick up odd jobs to help out. He is not a dependable worker. He just can't make it on his own.
She puts up with him. He is well liked, but still has problems she feels she can live with. He happily takes care of everything at home. She doesn't have to do much at all.

Best of luck to you. I hope you are not dealing with a dead-end situation like the few I have seen.
:hug:

You can't change what you don't acknowledge.
~ Dr Phil McGraw ~

Beach Patrol
10-12-2011, 12:52 PM
You are NOT being unreasonable, you're being TAKEN. He's 30 years old for crying out loud. Unemployed for YEARS?? He's been at home doing... WHAT exactly?? YOU went shopping??? Why didn't HE go shopping?? Why isn't he doing ALL the shopping?? I don't get it.

I'm sorry, & maybe I'm being a bit harsh here, but bottom line is that HE IS NOT CONTRIBUTING TO THE HOUSEHOLD. You are the breadwinner. You're BUSY at work, supporting the both of you. He's a grownass man!!! NOT A CHILD! It is NOT your responsibility to take care of him or make him "feel OK". He's in school a couple days a week now? Well isn't that special. He might not have a full time job, but he could work part time SOMEWHERE. Flipping burgers, cutting grass, Walmart greeting - whatever! HE NEEDS TO BE CONTRIBUTING IN ONE WAY OR ANOTHER. If not WORKING for a paycheck, the WORKING AT HOME by cleaning, doing the shopping, etc.

You've got more patience than I have, because had it been me, I'd have kicked him to the curb long ago. Just my 2 cents. :^:

CloudySky
10-12-2011, 01:03 PM
An easy solution, if he can be mature about it, is to tell him when you buy the stuff, before he has a chance to eat it all, that it's off limits. Have a shelf or something that is off limits. My husband will eat the weirdest things and screw up meals and it's annoying! Last night I was going to make fajitas only to find that there were only four tortillas in the package that was supposed to have eight in it. Who sits there and eats four tortillas? Anyway, another thing he could do is text you or something if he is unsure. Obviously he feels offended with having to have permission to eat however much of whatever he wants, but I don't think he understands the planning that has to go into two weeks worth of meals and lunches, etc, and how having a haphazard eating machine can throw a loop in your meal plans.

cherrypie
10-12-2011, 01:53 PM
I have the same issue going on with my husband only it's the other way around. We have 3 kids and he will do things like pull the ice cream out of the freezer a week after grocery shopping and complain that no one left any for him. Honestly, is everyone supposed to not eat something till he's done? is everyone else supposed to know what he's eaten?

You need to work out a system where you have a spot for your special diet food. I think the whole diet food/ regular food thing is a total mystery to the average man.

GonnaTurnHeads
10-12-2011, 02:42 PM
Wow! Tons of great advise, thanks so much everyone!!!

You all were very right about this being more than just being about the juice. After everything settled out last night, we sat down and talked like humans and he expressed that what I was feeling was "totally understandable", but he felt I approached it poorly at first (I probably did have an attitude). We also had big discussions about what respect means and that needs to understand that. He did say that he didn't think going and buying more should ever be an issue for me financially because he knows how much money I make, but after re-explaining everything, he eventually agreed. Not because he *actually* agreed with me, but because he conceded.

We also had a huge talk about using words like "a**hole" and "b**ch", etc... and how he tends to use words to shut me down, how that makes me feel invalidated, etc... he was genuinely apologetic and said he will work on that and I agreed to try to word things more carefully when I approach him about issues I am having to avoid having my PMS attitude.

It sorted out. :)

There are a lot of questions in the thread about WHY he is unemployed.

1.) the unemployment rate in california is really very high.

2.) he was an active duty marine for 8 years and never got any additional training/schooling to make him marketable for a job when he got out, except for working security or being a cop - neither of which is something he wants to do. with the unemployment being so bad, places don't want someone with a highschool education and no prior job experience.

3.) he got into school for machining to try to find a trade that will get him a job.

4.) this part is my fault. reality is, i make a 6 figure income. he doesnt *need* to work, we have plenty of money. it just irks me to pay for everything. he COULD get a job at taco bell, or something like that but my pride gets in the way of that and i would rather him not work at all than have a dead-end job for money that we don't really need. I want him to have a career, not a job. The plan was, 4 years ago - for him to go back to school immediately and all these issues would be short lived but he lost his motivation BIG time and never went back to school until quite recently, so his being-a-bum thing has lasted much, much longer than i ever would have initially agreed to.

Does that make sense?

cherrypie
10-12-2011, 04:03 PM
well if he is willing to get a dead end job just for the sake of having a job and you don't want him to it's kinda wrong to then get mad at him for not having a job.

try reversing the situation. If it were a man making the money and a woman holding out for a decent job would you be sympathetic to the wage earner feeling like you do?

now I'm not saying that I don't think he should have a job. I think all adults should contribute financially to the household. I'm always telling women to never stop working even if what they make is only a token amount. It's too much responsibility for one person to support the whole household. It isn't good for the wage earner to feel the whole weight and it isn't fair to the person at home to feel like a burden.

also, if he is actively looking for a job having any job is better than a couple years unemployment. It's always easier to get a job if you have a job.

astrophe
10-12-2011, 04:23 PM
well if he is willing to get a dead end job just for the sake of having a job and you don't want him to it's kinda wrong to then get mad at him for not having a job.

I have to agree with this. Job is job. Not all people are destined to have "career" that they feel passion about. Some just have job. For you? Let go the pride. For him? Go get that job then. So he can be contributing in some way and he can feel ok that he is helping and you can feel like it isn't all on you.

He did say that he didn't think going and buying more should ever be an issue for me financially because he knows how much money I make, but after re-explaining everything, he eventually agreed. Not because he *actually* agreed with me, but because he conceded.

You guys may have more work here. It isn't about the COST of the drink. It is about the lack on consideration of you and your need to have things to eat, and consideration for your time, because you don't go shopping every two seconds -- you have other things to do.

"Why his needs trump yours" and "why can't he be considerate of me?" could come up again in other forms other than juice.

I'm glad you are talking through this and clearing up unspoken expectations, attitudes, etc and trying to arrive at a healthier relationship.

In the meanwhile, no need to label all the food. Just agree the fridge door is common (mayo, ketchup, butter, whatever) and this shelf is yours, and this shelf is his. Split the grocery money. Here is your cash. Here is mine. We each do our own thing. Unload your groceries into your shelves. He tends to his shelves. There. No fighting. Whoever wants to donate something to the common door, great. If not, keep it on your own shelf.

At my house there is his and hers toothpaste. There. May seem goofy to have Crest for him and a Tom's of Maine for me, but it is even sillier to fight over it. Much easier to agree you have yours and I have mine and be done with it. We both value peace in the house over strange looks people give our toothpaste set up when they visit. It's a 2 toothpaste household. Deal. We do.

GL!
A.

JOLINA
10-12-2011, 04:25 PM
I read all of your excuses for continuing to harbor a dependent mooch.

Look at it this way:
He stopped going to school in high school. Lived at home with mama and daddy...who supplied him with all his needs, food, shelter and clothing.

Then he goes into the military.. A little tougher life...but the government now took over for mom and dad and supplied him with all his needs...food, shelter and clothing.

Now he moves in with you... A really cozy life...and now you take over to supply him with all his needs, food, shelter and clothing.
He is now living the Life of Riley at your expense. He must be really proud of all his achievements in life. He enjoys being a kept man.
This will go on for years if you let it.

He is acting as a dependant kid. A verbally abusive mooch. A whining free-loader.
And he is living really well compared to all the other small time cons out there.
And you defend his right to take advantage of the situation. WOW!

Did you know that most cops, EMS, and firemen start out at over $65,000 per year?
All he has to do is sign up for training at the local community college. But why should he if all his needs are being met?

I have a neighbor that is living well off his boyfriend now for over 10 years. He wants a career that is "more interesting and creative" than the last job he had. But he hasn't looked for work in the last 10 years. He worked for the IRS for over 15 years and had a really good managerial position. His boyfriend makes excuses for the 50 year old bum also.

Here is an interesting article:
Is Your Boyfriend a Loser?
www.associatedcontent.com/article/425398/is_your_boyfriend_a_loser.html?cat=72

:?:

You can't change what you don't acknowledge.
~ Dr Phil McGraw ~

EagleRiverDee
10-12-2011, 04:58 PM
Ladies--

I'm not sure all this boyfriend bashing is helpful to the OP. She didn't come on here asking if she should dump her BF, she came here asking how to solve the issue of him eating her special foods. She has indicated that she is part of the reason he remains unemployed and that so far it's been preferable for them both and it wasn't the reason for the original post.

PreciousMissy
10-12-2011, 05:05 PM
Wow, this was a long thread, lol.

I see everyone has given you advice about the whole food situation, I would like to give you advice about communication.

I try to never ever have a conversation when I am mad. It doesn't always work, but you can never take back something you've said or how you've said it.

If something is bothering you, as it seems this food issue was previously, say something when you first notice it. Don't let it build and build until the situation blows up like a volcano. I've done that in the past and it didn't do anyone any good.

No matter how right you are, people will not listen once they go on the defensive.

Skittlez
10-12-2011, 05:29 PM
I disagree with the whole he NEEDS to have a job. My husband makes enough to support us (no where near 6 figures but it's enough!), and he prefers to have me home, especially as we are planning on starting a family soon. I don't care to work either as I have a really bad phobia of driving (I can, but it's not pretty). We live in the country, so I'd have to drive anywhere to work. So sometimes it's not a terrible thing to NOT have a "real" job. I'm working on writing a book, and I do take care of the house/pets, but not everyone needs to have a "real" job to be a productive member of society. Just my two cents.

Esofia
10-12-2011, 05:48 PM
Ladies--

I'm not sure all this boyfriend bashing is helpful to the OP. She didn't come on here asking if she should dump her BF, she came here asking how to solve the issue of him eating her special foods. She has indicated that she is part of the reason he remains unemployed and that so far it's been preferable for them both and it wasn't the reason for the original post.

Hear hear! I know it's a common feature that when someone posts a grumble about their boyfriend on the internet, several people are bound to leap in and strongly advise dumping him, but please guys, remember that you are only getting an incredibly brief version of what is a far more complex situation, written by someone who was feeling p*ssed off at the time and was focusing on the things that were upsetting her rather than giving an entire relationship history. It's not as if she's in danger, for heaven's sake!

Going back to the job thing: I think it's psychologically better, both for the individual and for the couple, for the unemployed partner to take a lower-status job than to be unemployed for years on end, provided of course that it's not a job that will make them actively unhappy. My father sat around for most of my childhood being unemployed, because he wasn't managing to get the jobs he wanted and he thought he was too good to stack shelves at Sainsburys or what have you. After a few years of this, he was depressed, and my few memories of him are that he was always holed up in the spare room, tinkering away at a computer programme that he never did manage to sell to anyone. By the time my parents divorced when I was 16, the excuse for some years had been that he was too old. Of course, as soon as they divorced, he miraculously got a fabulous high-paying job, and never paid my mother a penny of maintenance. Now obviously that's exploitative, but I think a certain amount of it grew from the highly negative effects unemployment tends to have upon the person's mental health and relationship. There's been quite a bit of research into this.

I'm speaking of my family's experience, what tends to happen in general, and what sounds like it applies to GonnaTurnHeads' situation; I do realise that this doesn't apply to everyone, and for some people, such as Skittlez, having one partner staying at home works beautifully. GonnaTurnHeads, is there a possibility that he could get a part time job while he's studying? I get the feeling that while you approached it with the best of intentions, and indeed with great generosity, the current conflict is showing that having him unemployed is not doing either of you any good.

dominodreams
10-12-2011, 06:02 PM
I agree with a lot of the stuff on here, but I'll add my bit:

I'm in the reverse situation (boyfriend makes 6 figures) but I have a *very* well paying job of my own. He makes 3x of what I make, but we have still agreed to split the monthly bills 50/50 (it helps that the monthly bills are extremely low already). On one hand, I would love to have all of that money to spend on other things, all willy-nilly. On the other hand, though, as long as I'm not contributing to the house, it doesn't feel like *my home*. It felt weird agreeing to pay *his* real estate taxes, but when I thought about it, I realized that this would be pretty much the closest I could get to being a homeowner without getting my name put on the deed, and it makes me feel like this is my house, too.

My point is that it doesn't matter how much money you make or he makes. What matters is how much energy and commitment you both put toward making each other feel at home. If he doesn't have a job and thus can't contribute to the monthly bills, there are still a lot of other things he can do to help - and he should. What worries me, though, is that he doesn't seem to *want* to. Like he's okay with "living rent-free" rather than "having a home together." Money should never be an excuse to be complacent about one's role in a relationship. That is *your* money, and it is completely wrong of him to feel like he can use it and make you spend it however he wants you to. And it's even more wrong that he feels perfectly justified eating your food and drinking your juice, just because "he didn't think going and buying more should ever be an issue for [you] financially."

Regarding the communication, my boyfriend has some issues in that area, too. I gave him a copy of Dale Carnegie's book "How To Win Friends and Influence People" and he's been learning a lot about how to talk to people. It's directed at business people, but I took the Effective Communication & Human Relations course and I heard many stories about how the principles helped people communicate with their SOs and helped (and in one case, saved) their relationships. I highly recommend you read it, and you give him a copy to read (since he seems to have so much free time...).

I'm not going to tell you to break up with your boyfriend. But you do need to lose the mooch - even if it's just giving him a reality check so that he stops being a mooch.

Chew on this: If he were a woman he'd be called a golddigger. Do you want to be in a relationship like that?

dominodreams
10-12-2011, 06:07 PM
Hear hear! I know it's a common feature that when someone posts a grumble about their boyfriend on the internet, several people are bound to leap in and strongly advise dumping him, but please guys, remember that you are only getting an incredibly brief version of what is a far more complex situation, written by someone who was feeling p*ssed off at the time and was focusing on the things that were upsetting her rather than giving an entire relationship history. It's not as if she's in danger, for heaven's sake!

This. I was once on a relationship-based forum for women, and I had a fight with my bf-at-the-time and when it was resolved it felt like half the members assaulted me for staying with him*... It only makes people feel defensive and uncomfortable with the group.


*Granted, he was an abusive a$$hole, but that's beside the point, lol!

98DaysOfSummer
10-12-2011, 07:32 PM
No, you're not wrong. Even if he honestly thought you were both drinking the juice and didn't realize it was "special," a reasonable reaction to, "could you please leave some for me," is not, "You're an a$$hole." It's, "Sorry, didn't realize you hadn't had any."

It's bone headed to drink all of something you (I would say pretty obviously) bought for yourself, it's disrespectful and kind of awful to call you an a$$hole. I've been married for 15 years and I've BEEN an a$$hole at times, my husband has NEVER called me that.

shcirerf
10-12-2011, 07:53 PM
Whew! Long thread.

A couple of things, just my point of view so take it for what it's worth.

I still think he should have had some kind of job all along, even if it is low paying. It gives a person something to do, a purpose to your day, a job well done, no matter what it is, is also a sense of accomplishment, pride and self esteem.

Just because you make 6 figures, shouldn't be the reason or stop him from taking a job you don't deem worthy. Don't get me wrong, it's great that he doesn't have to, but he still needs a purpose, something to do, a reason to get his butt moving in the morning.

As far as his drinking the juice, well my DH, been married for 30+ years would do something like that and not even think about it. It's a man thing, they have a totally different mentality than women. :dizzy: Mine has the focus of a gnat.

astrophe
10-12-2011, 07:58 PM
I wanted to clarify -- doesn't have to be a paying job. Even good volunteer work is work. It isn't just about contributing to the family income, or the giving back to the community, or pride in job well done as the only reasons to find something to do.

People need people.

Circulating about with other people makes you work on your personal and social skills OFTEN. With various types. Then you learn how to get along better with others. Those are skills you bring back home whether you realize or not. You aren't going to get that kind of practice hiding out at home alone a lot of the time. You have to be out amongst people to exercise the people skills.

Basic consideration and basic conflict resolution skills WITHOUT turning to name calling -- that's basic good manners! He could work on this, then the burden of the relationship skills isn't all on you.

I was assigned to a project with a lady who was basically alone all the time. She was alone at home and her boss was around infrequently at work and so most of her day was at a desk filing things. Isolation. When I met her she was awful! Very gauche. I certainly would not have picked her for a friend had we not been assigned together! Over time of the project she kinda learned to be less ugh with me and expressed being unhappy and not knowing why. I told her she ought to think about joining a club or volunteering or changing her job or something to change her situation some. We kept in touch and she's still working on it but she did change jobs and being around others more did help her some.

A.

Purplefirefly
10-12-2011, 08:19 PM
I'm going to turn this around for a moment because i think maybe he isn't as big a mooch as others thing. What if his attitude toward you is based on feelings of frustration and resentment that you are stopping him from getting the only jobs he can get? Men like to feel like men and when they are emasculated they can lash out and have attitudes and appear inconsiderate.

When you say you have too much pride for him to get a lower paying job...that makes no sense to me. What he does to make money does not reflect on you. It sounds like you are embarrassed of him, so you want to hide him away so others do not know he can only get those jobs. That must feel HORRIBLE on his end...to know that the jobs he could get are not good enough for you and are an embarrassment to you.

Maybe you need to free him to get any job he can get. This is accepting him for who he is and allowing him to earn some money OF HIS OWN. that is very different than sharing your money. You may make enough for both, but that doesn't mean he wouldn't like to have something he earned himself. Going on dates and you paying for everything has to make him feel like less of a man....what if he had a low paying job but that was extra that he could buy you gifts with, take you out with, etc. He would feel better about himself and his attitude toward you and your money may change.

I really think he may be feeling just as much resentment as you are toward him. Encourage him to get whatever job he can and support him. If you cannot do that and he is an embarrassment to you, then you two may not be a good match. You may need to find someone you feel is on your level so you can let them be themselves without feeling embarrassed or prideful.

If you freed him to do what he had to do and did not unload your pride on him...what would he do? If he still sits around the house with his attitude, then he may just be a mooch. But he could just as easily take off, get a low paying job, start feeling better about himself, do better in school, and make something of himself. Sounds like he cannot do that right now because of your pride. That really is not fair to him.

EZMONEY
10-12-2011, 09:26 PM
Coming back in here with just a couple of thoughts....

First....THANK-YOUR GUY for his service to our country!! And Thank God he is safe at home now.

Second...He lived for 8 years with structure, being told what to do. Maybe you being a little more assertive is what he needs...in constructive ways.

dunno for sure, just a thought.

strawbariana
10-12-2011, 09:31 PM
My boyfriend does that as well but it's just because he isn't aware of the amount he is taking but once I mention it he is very apologetic... which is what your boyfriend should have done. It's not just juice, it's your money and your work. If he's inconsiderate about this I'm sure this is how he is with most things, am I right? I wouldn't stay with him if so. If not, then let this slide a bit but tell him he's not allowed any or just start buying them before work or right as you need one.

98DaysOfSummer
10-12-2011, 09:56 PM
I somehow missed this the first time around:


this part is my fault. reality is, i make a 6 figure income. he doesnt *need* to work, we have plenty of money. it just irks me to pay for everything. he COULD get a job at taco bell, or something like that but my pride gets in the way of that and i would rather him not work at all than have a dead-end job for money that we don't really need. I want him to have a career, not a job. The plan was, 4 years ago - for him to go back to school immediately and all these issues would be short lived but he lost his motivation BIG time and never went back to school until quite recently, so his being-a-bum thing has lasted much, much longer than i ever would have initially agreed to.

Honest work isn't beneath anyone. A lot of wonderful people have put themselves through school or just made ends meet with jobs in the service industry. No one is too good to work.

And as Purplefirefly pointed out:

What if his attitude toward you is based on feelings of frustration and resentment that you are stopping him from getting the only jobs he can get?

It must bite to not only NOT have a job for years, but to find that your girlfriend would be embarrassed by the jobs you could get. He SHOULD NOT have called you names for any reason, but you're rationing food and telling him where he can work. It may not seem that way from your end, but you're in the power position in this relationship.

If a SAHM came on and said, "My husband yelled at me for drinking too much juice and he won't buy more for himself, I think he's just trying to make a point. He doesn't want me to work because he's embarrassed by my job at the mall, what should I do?" people would take a different side. It does not seem that he won't work, but that you are making the call and you won't let him. That's a whole other thing.

I ask this as nicely as I can and with good intentions, but is there some part of you that enjoys being the one in charge? Because I know a couple in a similar situation and when the boyfriend finally got his degree and started making money and his own decisions, their relationship got HARD. Again, I don't know you and could be way WAY off so if that doesn't speak to you, ignore, ignore, ignore.

Again, he should NOT resort to name calling, but I can see how he might have a rather large amount of guilt, resentment, frustration and low-self esteem.

You guys are talking about it and that's the important thing. In future, it may help to just be clearer with your expectations - this is my "plan food" shelf and I have exactly enough for this week, please avoid. I have to do that in my house with my husband and daughter. Those two can plow through every bit of fruit we have in about two days flat. I'm happy to share but leave me a grape or something!

Koshka
10-12-2011, 10:07 PM
If he isn't working, why isn't he doing the grocery shopping. If he sees that he likes X food and he is eating most of it why doesn't he go shopping to get more (why do you need to do it)? (If the answer is that you have the cash then he could ask you to give him money to go grocery shopping).

Sure, there are non-working spouses and the general trade off is that the non-working spouse takes care of the home. That spouse (realize yours is a boyfriend but still the same point) does the cleaning (maybe with some hired help), does the grocery cooking, cooks the meals, takes the laundry in, etc.

I would a real hard time with supporting someone and then being expected to do the grocery shopping, the house cleaning, etc. In fact, I wouldn't do. That person would either pitch in (and I have a retired husband and he has), or would get a job, or would go. End of story.

As far as the food issue. I actually deal with that issue all the time with my daughter. If I don't gobble down certain things they are gone. I don't like to forbid my kids from eating certain foods. Yet, I don't want to buy huge quantities of them -- particularly expensive foods. Often, what I sadly do is just not buy the food any more. I do sometimes just tell her when I buy certain foods that she can have 2 of them or whatever and that the rest are mine. With an adult I would say, I bought X counting on having at least 4 of them. If you want to eat more than 3 of them, let me know and I'll buy more next time so you can have more reserved for you.

swtbttrfly23
10-12-2011, 10:59 PM
Honestly, your boyfriend sounds like a jerk. Why do you keep him around? I take it you don't have children so it's not like he's a SAHD, right? What is he contributing? Is this how you want to live the rest of your life?

Yeah, I agree with this! He sounds like a total douche. I think there's nothing wrong with you wanting to have some things for yourself, considering you are the only one providing any money at all! If it was both of you contributing money towards groceries, that would be a different circumstance. I see nothing wrong with you being pissed about it. And in all honesty.....he sounds like a waste of time. Find a guy that doesn't take advantage of you. Life's too short.

indiblue
10-12-2011, 11:58 PM
He sounds like a total douche. I think there's nothing wrong with you wanting to have some things for yourself, considering you are the only one providing any money at all! If it was both of you contributing money towards groceries, that would be a different circumstance. I see nothing wrong with you being pissed about it. And in all honesty.....he sounds like a waste of time. Find a guy that doesn't take advantage of you. Life's too short.

Would you say this to a housewife who stays at home when the husband works?

It's a household. It's their JOINT money.

I live with my fiance and quit my job to follow him. I do consulting, but don't make nearly as much as he does.

Does that mean he gets to buy whatever he wants and I have to live off my paltry salary, which is irregular and lower than his?

No. It's a joint decision to move in together and live off of one income, another income, or the incomes combined. The money he makes is OUR money because it was OUR decision for me to quit my job to be with him and for US to live on his salary.

swtbttrfly23
10-13-2011, 12:45 AM
Would you say this to a housewife who stays at home when the husband works?

It's a household. It's their JOINT money.

I live with my fiance and quit my job to follow him. I do consulting, but don't make nearly as much as he does.

Does that mean he gets to buy whatever he wants and I have to live off my paltry salary, which is irregular and lower than his?

No. It's a joint decision to move in together and live off of one income, another income, or the incomes combined. The money he makes is OUR money because it was OUR decision for me to quit my job to be with him and for US to live on his salary.

I would say that if the husband was the only one working and breadwinning and he decided to use the money he earned to buy something he wanted and then the housewife selfishly took most of it for herself, yes, I would say the same thing. The juices SHE bought only went down HIS throat. Tell me what is 'joint' about that? Just because they are in it together doesn't mean that he should be taking advantage. Even if you argued that the juices she bought for herself were intended for both of them, he took more than his fair share. "OUR" money doesn't give him a right to be selfish.

mandalinn82
10-13-2011, 12:49 AM
Would you say this to a housewife who stays at home when the husband works?

It's a household. It's their JOINT money.

This. It seems like him NOT having a job is, at least in part, a mutual decision (because the OP wants some degree of control over the jobs he can get), and their finances are mutual as well. I am the major breadwinner in my relationship, but the money is unequivocally "ours" in every sense.

indiblue
10-13-2011, 01:31 AM
I am not disagreeing that she shouldn't get things for herself. I disagree with your implication that she should get things for herself BECAUSE she is the breadwinner ("I think there's nothing wrong with you wanting to have some things for yourself, considering you are the only one providing any money at all! If it was both of you contributing money towards groceries, that would be a different circumstance.")

They should both be entitled to their own items, and they should both respect each others' own items. The boyfriend is not doing this by drinking all the juice she wanted for herself. This is not fair, regardless of whose salary is buying the juice.

Porthardygurl
10-13-2011, 03:41 AM
This. It seems like him NOT having a job is, at least in part, a mutual decision (because the OP wants some degree of control over the jobs he can get), and their finances are mutual as well. I am the major breadwinner in my relationship, but the money is unequivocally "ours" in every sense.


See! Thats exactly it! My hunny works and i stay at home and take care of our daughter. Regardless of who works, the money is OUR money..why? Because we choose to love one another and take care of one another. As part of living together as a unit, we share everything. Mi Casa a su casa.

sontaikle
10-13-2011, 06:07 AM
Regarding jobs: If he's going to school and you don't want him to take a burger flipping job, why not ask him to try to work on campus if possible? A campus job will likely be in his field and may introduce him to connections that can result in a job in his field when he graduates. Also, most campus jobs are part time for students so he can work and still concentrate on school :)

yoyoma
10-13-2011, 09:01 AM
I don't understand why he isn't making healthy meals from unprocessed (and relatively inexpensive) ingredients for both of you to enjoy (and for you to brown bag) in addition to doing the shopping instead of gobbling down any lean cuisines, granola bars, and fancy juice drinks that you buy.

I also believe that even without kids, you are in a joint household. You both agree that his getting a job is lower priority than his laying the foundation for a career (though other posters have given good reasons for working that you might want to consider). But that doesn't mean that he is off the hook. As part of the joint household, he should be doing his share. His efforts should approximate yours and if the time he spends investing in his career falls short of the time you spend working + doing chores (like shopping) then he should make up the deficit by offloading your chores and taking on more for himself. You might be willing to give him a pass on keeping the house spoltless (a lot of men have ego issues with this, not to mention an apparent innate inability), but there is no reason he cannot contribute to the household and your weight loss efforts through becoming a well-informed and creative personal weight loss chef.

You are providing mucho support for him to meet his (career) goals. He should be bending over backwards to help you meet your (weight loss) goals.

Blondie160
10-13-2011, 09:18 AM
Even if you argued that the juices she bought for herself were intended for both of them, he took more than his fair share. "OUR" money doesn't give him a right to be selfish.


Agreed!

XLMuffnTop
10-13-2011, 12:53 PM
As a 30 year old who spend 8 years in the military, he should be eligible for the Post 9/11 GI Bill assuming honorable discharge. This will pay for tuition and fees and provides a housing and book stipend.

If he does not have a HS diploma or GED he may have to obtain it prior but for most this is not difficult. Then he can opt to go down a vocational or more academic-four year route. With the housing stipend coming in, he may feel like he is contributing more and is self improving at the same time. This will also give him some disposable income of his own so he doesn't feel like he's asking for an allowance.

I believe there is a 15 year window to use the GI after leaving the military so do not let it go to waste! This isn't for everyone, heck, he may HATE the idea, but it will give him an option to do something he is good at and/or enjoys.
I'll stay mum on all the other issues as I think it's been covered. Good luck and I hope everything works out for the best.

dcapulet
10-13-2011, 01:25 PM
My family (mother, father, 2 brothers) used to operate the same way- whoever gets there first "wins". They ate all the food without regard for each other. It was ugly. I started hiding food, closet eating, and over-eating just to get some. It made me develop seriously unhealthy ideas and practices with food. I hope you can find a positive way to resolve this so that same doesn't happen to you.

dominodreams
10-14-2011, 02:58 PM
Whew! Long thread.
As far as his drinking the juice, well my DH, been married for 30+ years would do something like that and not even think about it. It's a man thing, they have a totally different mentality than women. :dizzy: Mine has the focus of a gnat.

I have to disagree with this. It isn't a "man vs woman" thing, but rather a "respect vs lack thereof" thing. One could argue that it is just him not thinking before he acts, but respect comes before thinking. He doesn't see that juice as being something that she bought for her own well-being. He sees it as "fair game" and that is, imho, pretty selfish.

Esofia
10-15-2011, 01:12 PM
You know, he probably just sees it as fruit juice sitting in the fridge. If he wasn't told beforehand that it's just for her, then it would be natural to expect it to be communal.

FunSize
10-15-2011, 01:54 PM
My DH is actually great about this sort of thing but we did run into an issue years ago when we first started living together.
I had just given birth and I was doing slimfasts for breakfast. Well, DH doesn't need to lose any weight but he would drink my slimfasts probably because they were sweet.
Well, there was 1 slimfast left one morning and who took it? Him! And I had JUST given birth, I was tired from being up ALL NIGHT breastfeeding the baby, and he took my flippin breakfast because he had a sweet tooth!!
I lost it. One of the biggest fights we've ever had.. over something so simple.

Needless to say, after that.. everything has been peachy since lol There is definitely a learning curve in all relationships!

CloudySky
10-17-2011, 06:41 PM
dcapulet, same here... I grew up with 3 older brothers and a seriously overeating dad. My mom says he would actually hide food from us all the time and eat in the middle of the night. You can imagine what that was like competing with them. I was actually in good shape until my 20's amazingly until I took the Depo Provera shot, what a nightmare. Either way, it really does make you get into that survival overeating mode when you live with people like that. I find myself doing that with my husband because he is such a pig and eats like a whole pie or whole thing of ice cream, so I eat it just to get some. It's dumb, and come to think of it, I am going to try not to do that anymore. There's always more at the store and I can always make him go to the store for it, LOL!

pockets
10-17-2011, 09:11 PM
I didn't read the whole thread.

It sounds like he may be a bit depressed. Having a woman provide for a man makes most men feel inept or worthless, and have some sort of resentment towards the woman. It sounds like he needs something. Even if it's not for the money. What about going back to school or volunteering. Or, like me a stay-at-home-mom, going to the gym. My outlook on life really turned around when I started going to the gym again.