General chatter - What is my husband's problem?




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Sunshinenmysoul
10-08-2011, 12:18 PM
Well, I've lost over 40 lbs. and it has taken me 10 months. I know that's not AMAZING, but weight has always been an issue for me, so these past 10 months have been jam packed with struggles and temptations and falling off the wagon to get back on. I've been motivated to work out, then lost my motivation only to get it right back. I'm not always perfect, but I'm doing it!

The other day I told my husband I was doing 30 second planks now and he, who is in amazing shape, said, "I'm not going to be proud of that. That's average. You should be way farther along than that by now."

WTF?

He get frustrated with me because I'm not perfect on my diet and I'm not working out 6 days a week. OMFG I want to slap him sometimes. I do love him and he's not usually mean/unsupportive like that. I don't get it. Anyone else have a husband who is in shape who acts like this? I know he just wants me to be on his level, but it's not as easy for me! He said, "Just have will power." WOW! He should have written a book. WILL POWER? THAT'S IT? MAN! smh.


bargoo
10-08-2011, 12:28 PM
I suppose in his own bumbling way he thinks he is encouraging you. You are doing a great job, congratulations !

fatferretfanatic
10-08-2011, 12:28 PM
Oh, silly silly husband. I don't know how he thinks he's qualified to even comment about 'where you are' in your exercise and weight loss. It's flippin' hard! And 40 pounds in 10 months is AMAZING and you are such an inspiration! Consistency is the key, and I think you're handling your struggles like an absolute pro!! Your husband is not you-he doesn't know how it feels to be you, or how it felt 10 months ago. The fact that you are still at it,not giving up, doing the best you can do is more than enough. You'll keep getting better and better, and exercise will become even more easy for you as you go along. I know your husband probably just had a momentary lapse in support, judgement and courtesy, but don't let that get you down.My husband sometimes says inconsiderate things, and I know how much it can hurt. I'd really just ignore that kind of negativity though. You're doing a great job, and if it's good enough for you, it's good enough period.


Sunshinenmysoul
10-08-2011, 12:39 PM
You're right. I guess it's just that when I tell him of a proud moment I've had I just want him to be proud of me and say good job! Instead he's like....what? That's not good enough. GRR! It's frustrating. Oh well. This is for me and not him. He can have his opinions all day long. At the end of all this it will be me who crosses the finish line with no one to thank but myself! I am the one who has done the hard work, not him. Ok, glad I got all that out lol.

fatferretfanatic
10-08-2011, 01:01 PM
You could always just try telling him that you like sharing your victories with him because you love him so, and that when he criticizes your success it hurts your feelings. He really may think that he's 'helping' you by saying such things

LiannaKole
10-08-2011, 01:32 PM
You know who says, "Just have will power" about food? People who don't have eating problems (overeating, etc.). They seriously don't understand. It'd be like me saying to a smoker, "Just have some will power," because I don't have a problem with smoking. I'm not even tempted to overindulge - just not my thing. But I understand that it IS a problem for some people.

I've met maybe one person without weight troubles who actually understood that it's not a simple issue. It's crazy - if it was all will power, would 2/3 of the country have this problem? Probably not. And the classic example, would people like Oprah struggle with weight? If that woman has anything, it's will power.

I don't know your husband, so he might just be trying to encourage you. Like, if he responds to tough love to get him motivated, he might be trying that with you.

If it keeps happening, maybe talk to him about it?

Either way, you're doing so fantastic! Forty pounds in less than a year is a BIG DEAL. Be proud, and keep doing what you know works for you.

Congrats on your success!:cheer2:

JOLINA
10-08-2011, 02:18 PM
He is attempting to undermine what's important to you. He is not giving you credit for all your hard work.
He might also say critical things about your favorite colors, clothes, friends, recipes, shoes, flowers, autos, etc. If he is, it is a power play or abuse.

You are a woman, and he is comparing your routine to a guys workout routine.
If you can talk to him and explain the situation, maybe he will change his attitude. If not, then just look for support elsewhere in the weight loss department.

Don't let him get away with any criticism. If you find him criticizing you on most things that you are interested in or enjoy, and his behavior doesn't stop, then kick him to the curb.

You deserve a pleasant and happy life. :hug:

And you've done great! WOW! :hat::congrat: :cheer2:

Victory is won not in miles but in inches.
Win a little now, hold your ground, and later, win a little more.
Louis L'Amour (1908-1988)

EZMONEY
10-08-2011, 02:50 PM
It's obvious you see your efforts as better than he does....and you have done an outstanding job by the way!

It may be easier for him to work-out than you....

don't make a big deal out of this...keep on keeping on with your efforts and support him in his quest to stay healthy....

you are both young...as with most of us guys, it takes us a bit longer to mature!

Focus on your goal....the rest will fall into place.

dragonwoman64
10-08-2011, 03:51 PM
my brother used to go on and on about "will power." He was a high school athlete, and I think he got a lot of his way of thinking from playing sports. Is your husband in the military or does he play sports? I'd say try not to roll your eyes right in front of him (heh heh), and keep doing what you're doing, it's obviously working. In his own (misguided) way I do think he wants to encourage you.

Lovely
10-08-2011, 04:14 PM
:hug:

I'm SUPER impressed. :cp:

I'm sorry that your husband was raining on your parade. He clearly has no idea what it's like. Hopefully you can gently nudge him to tell him how to be a better supporter of your efforts.

But, way to go on your achievements! You don't have to explain yourself. Taking weight off and keeping it off is hard work. And you've lost 40 pounds! Holy moly! That's amazing :yes:

chazma
10-08-2011, 04:25 PM
Just a thought, but might he be a bit threatened by the fact that you are getting fitter/ losing weight and his comment may have been one of 'oneupmanship'.

If hes used to being the fit one, with the knowledge and the ripped body, he may feel that you are catching up with him, and will maybe even overtake him in time. Some men are very competitive, even with loved ones. x

melodymist
10-08-2011, 04:36 PM
Well, I've lost over 40 lbs. and it has taken me 10 months. I know that's not AMAZING, ...



Not amazing?????? Are you kidding?????? That's fabulous :carrot:

Men are always men. Not quite realising what they're saying. I would just ignore it. But just for fun, challenge him to see who can plank the longest ;)

IsobelRose22
10-08-2011, 05:13 PM
Firstly congratulations on the 40lb loss, it is amazing no matter what anyone says.

Secondly I'm not married but my mum was EXACTLY the same way. I just sat her down told her how much it upset me, and that negativity wasn't helping me at all, and she said that she just didn't want me to get complacent, that she was trying to encourage me. After that chat she hasn't said anything negative since, and is trying her best to be helpful. Maybe you should try telling your husband how his comments make you feel?

Sunshinenmysoul
10-08-2011, 09:18 PM
Well, I did have a talk with him and some of y'all were right! He was actually trying to use it as a constructive criticism....even though to me it was a bit harsh! He said that he wasn't ever going to sugar coat anything and tell me what I want to hear. I said that's fine, but just take a minute first to take some joy in my victories with me! THEN you can explain how much farther I could get if I put in a little more time at the gym.

We tried to have the convo that he doesn't know what it's like to struggle with weight and he disagrees, but whatever lol. In the end I know he's proud of me, he just has a funky way of showing it I suppose. I know that he has the type of personality where he views me and my success/failure as an extension of his own. So, if I fail, essentially, he is failing as well. That's a little deep, but it's the truth!! He actually told me he was proud of me and it made me smile!

astrophe
10-08-2011, 09:32 PM
I said that's fine, but just take a minute first to take some joy in my victories with me! THEN you can explain how much farther I could get if I put in a little more time at the gym.

I'm glad you had the convo. Good for you for sticking up for you! I'm glad that he is realizing that he can be TACTFUL TO HIS WIFE.

That "grrr!" kind of coaching could be ok I guess in the sports arena or the military field or something. But dang... you'd figure a guy would be kinder to his WIFE!

"Constuctive criticism" is called "critique."

If you painted a picture, I could criticize. I could go "I hate it. It is ugly. You should be able to paint much better by now!" That doesn't do anything for you for HOW or WHERE to improve.

If you painted a picture, and you tell me you were going for a realistic flower in a vase thing. I could give you "critique" instead and that could give you ideas for where to work on.

"Ok, I see it is some kind of plant, but it doesn't say "real flower" to me. You could try again and get the proportion of plant to pot so it is more flower size and not empire state building. The container could maybe use better light/shadow work. Right now it reads very flat. There's no suggestion of "roundness" to it. The color choices were good though -- they play nicely together. When you try it again maybe keep the color scheme, but work more on the showing the roundness feeling of the vase. Also watch out with the proportion of the plant to the vase so it is more in realistic flower scale. It's progress though from your last paining so keep going!"

HTH!
A.

Beach Patrol
10-09-2011, 02:56 PM
If my husband said that to me, I'd slap the silly **** outta him. :D

One thing I've learned, sometimes we have to teach people how to be supportive of us. Support means different things to different people - like diets, it's not a "one size fits all."

For me, support means helping by doing. My husband THINKS he is being supportive by simply telling me "You're beautiful to me; I don't care how much you weigh" - when in fact, beauty comments is not what I'm after. I want a walk after dinner! a compromise on pizza (how about more veggies, less pepperoni???) an offer to get his *** off the couch & hit a 20-minute bike run w/me, or be my spotter when I'm lifting weights, etc.

"you're beautiful to me; I don't care how much you weigh" is a very nice compliment. I appreciate it. I give him a gold star ("thanks honey!!!!") But (to me) SUPPORT is DOING, not yakking. YaknowwhatImean?? :dizzy:

Sunshine73
10-10-2011, 01:05 AM
I'm glad you guys were able to have that chat and I hope that next time he takes the time to be proud of you and share in the joy of your success before telling you how much more you could be doing. Ugh! Men.

Expunge
10-10-2011, 12:37 PM
Well, I've lost over 40 lbs. and it has taken me 10 months. I know that's not AMAZING, but weight has always been an issue for me, so these past 10 months have been jam packed with struggles and temptations and falling off the wagon to get back on.

I'm going to have to disagree with you on this one. That IS amazing! You need to recognize what an amazing accomplishment that is. You've gotten farther than the vast majority of people who ever even attempt to lose weight, and you've done it in a timely fashion. 40 lb in a year is a radical change for your body, and you deserve to feel proud of it!

I will say that sometimes people who are in excellent/way-above-average shape don't even remember or understand how difficult it is for people who aren't. It's just so far removed from their daily experience. To him, a 30-second plank really is super easy and nothing special - because he's got years and years worth of muscle development and strength built to support the movement. You don't. Plus moves like that tend to be physiologically easier for men anyway! I know I can't hold a 30 second plank yet, so that's another thing that you should be proud of.

My only advice would be this: explain to him that what you're doing isn't easy for you the way it is for him. Explain how it makes you feel when he dismisses and belittles your accomplishments. Then carry on being proud and confident in yourself and your accomplishments, regardless of what he says; eventually he'll come 'round and feel the same way you do. Genuine confidence is infectious.

Edit: Oh, darn. That's what I get for replying before reading the whole thread. Glad to see you've had a discussion about it already and that things are on their way to being resolved!

bubsy111
10-10-2011, 05:10 PM
My hubby does sort of the same thing. He is a health nut and thinks excercise is the most important thing anyone can do for themselves. Whenever I achieve a goal in my excercise regime I share with him and he says 'good, but maybe do it this way instead, you might get better results'. I finally told him that this actually made me want to quit instead of continue as it was not motivating to hear that you are doing things wrong according to him.

This actually worked and he no longer tries to improve my routines unless I ask for his help.

Congratulations on your success and keep going!

pockets
10-10-2011, 08:01 PM
You could always just try telling him that you like sharing your victories with him because you love him so, and that when he criticizes your success it hurts your feelings. He really may think that he's 'helping' you by saying such things

I agree with this. He's a man. He's already fit. He doesn't realize how hurtful words like that can be. He needs to be told that he hurt you.

And 40lbs in 10 months is quite impressive! Congrats!!


ETA: Whenever my husband does something hurtful I either send him an email or write a letter. I'm really not good at confrontation. I forget my side and just go with his. So writing is easier for me. He'll come up to me later with the letter apologizing.

Sunshinenmysoul
10-11-2011, 11:05 PM
Oh we're perfectly wonderful at confrontation lol. I have NO qualms with telling him what I'm thinking. Men always want to give their advice instead of listening. When we tell them something like that they want to interject their opinion and advice when all I was really looking for was a , "job well done babe!" It's 100% true that when he says harsh stuff that he thinks is pushing me to work out more, it's actually having the opposite effect. I just get angry and want to give up to spite him lol. We've been married 2 years but together for almost 7 and lived together for almost all of that. We do know each other well, but he is still a freakin' man and boys will be boys. Good lord could they have a little bit more sensitivity though?

Tonight I worked out and told him what he did and when he'd go, "How many push ups?" I just ignored him and went on to the next thing I did lol. He wants to know how many or how long of something I did so he can say, well next time do it longer! DORK!

wtfudge
10-12-2011, 12:49 AM
My uncle is a fitness junkie, so I can assure you, and do not take this with a grain of salt: guys who take working out seriously, take working out seriously. Like obsessively. Men get cocky over these things like it's their turf -_- if the comments start spiraling out of just the fitness domain though, then it's time to sit down and talk..

khumphrey
10-12-2011, 09:29 AM
My husband was off of work for 8 weeks and gained a few pounds. He jumped on the scale last week and he lost 5 more than he gained. This drives me nuts I have to count every carb and workout 30 - 60 minutes a day and it has taken me 3 + weeks to lose 9 pounds.
I know how you feel my problem with my husband is not exercising it is eating, he questions everything I eat and looks at me as if I am a pig sometimes. It has gotten better since I started this diet but, just last night when I was making myself dinner cause I got home late for work he was questioning what I made while he sat across from me eating sugared up cereal.
I think that they mean the best for us but, sometimes they have very crappy bedside manners.
Keep up the good work on your weight loss and be proud to have lost anything because it is a struggle everyday and you have done awesome. 40 pounds in 10 months is great!

EZMONEY
10-12-2011, 09:35 AM
...... Men always want to give their advice instead of listening. When we tell them something like that they want to interject their opinion and advice when all I was really looking for was a , "job well done babe!" .....


:D This used to be my problem years ago....

ok :o maybe a teeny-tiny bit still today at 57 yrs. old ;)

It wasn't that I wasn't listening, I just "focused" about 1/2 way through what my wife was telling me on what I was going to say to "help" her...

and as you said, all she wanted was a job well done BABE :)

Sounds like you both will be just fine :hug:

ChickieChicks
10-12-2011, 10:07 AM
I suppose in his own bumbling way he thinks he is encouraging you. You are doing a great job, congratulations !

This.

My husband is Spec Ops and very "gung-ho G.I. Joe". It took years for him to understand that not only am I NOT him, I don't want to BE him, or workout like HE does!!! :dizzy: He finally gets that women are different...our bodies, our metabolism, our motivations....

And frankly, most spouses don't do well having the other spouse be "the coach". DISASTER!!! ;) Tell him if you wanted a personal trainer, you'd have hired one! And that what you really need is support. Talk about things you have in common, like new healthy foods, workout tips. But it all has to remain in the "friendly, non-judgemental zone", right??

As my husband will proudly declare, the only thing he REALLY needs to say is, "Yes, dear." :devil:

PreciousMissy
10-12-2011, 06:43 PM
:D This used to be my problem years ago....

ok :o maybe a teeny-tiny bit still today at 57 yrs. old ;)

It wasn't that I wasn't listening, I just "focused" about 1/2 way through what my wife was telling me on what I was going to say to "help" her...

and as you said, all she wanted was a job well done BABE :)

Sounds like you both will be just fine :hug:

hahaha! ^^THIS has to be the best post I've read all day!

thinnerthanhim
10-13-2011, 12:37 PM
hahaha! ^^THIS has to be the best post I've read all day!

I completely agree! That is my sweet, loving and supportive fiancee to a T. He is getting really good at recognizing when he does or says something insensitive but it definitely takes work.

Sunshinenmysoul
10-16-2011, 11:22 AM
Well, I'll tell you all this. My husband must have gotten the hint because a few days ago I was upset that my stomach was still all chubby and kinda saggy I guess. It made me mad since I'd lost so much weight and I still didn't like the way it looked. He told me that I'd been doing so well that he was bragging to all of his friends about me and was telling them that every day, without fail, I was coming home and cooking a healthy meal and that I should be his inspiration! He keeps telling me how tiny I'm getting and saying really positive things. Now THAT'S what I'm talking about lol!

mzKiki
10-16-2011, 03:54 PM
I always find myself rolling my eyes at some responses. Geez kick your husband to the curb for telling you your workout was average? Come on.
Anyway, guys are just different and I think they see that as motivation. In guy language who wants to be average? Step it up! LOL.
Congrats on your weight loss and your increased physical strength.
Just tell him that's not encouraging to you and move on.

MariaMaria
10-16-2011, 03:58 PM
Geez kick your husband to the curb for telling you your workout was average? Come on.
Anyway, guys are just different and I think they see that as motivation. In guy language who wants to be average? Step it up! LOL.

Or, you know, look at what's going on in your relationship when your spouse says something that s/he knows will hurt you and that devalues something you've been working hard on for a long time and makes you ashamed of progress you've worked hard for.

4myloves
10-17-2011, 12:39 PM
Or, you know, look at what's going on in your relationship when your spouse says something that s/he knows will hurt you and that devalues something you've been working hard on for a long time and makes you ashamed of progress you've worked hard for.

I :love: U