General chatter - The vent thread - husband problem




View Full Version : The vent thread - husband problem


Samantha1776
10-07-2011, 05:07 AM
I am damn lucky and have worked very hard for what I have. I have two bachelors degrees, a home, job and freshly married. I have all the trapping of an adult who has it together (my wieght be damned).


So my wedding night. I had waited. We married. Wedding didn't not go well at all. Various dramas. I had six weeks to plan, people were expecting me to solve too many of their problems. New husband was useless. Left writing his vows down to literaly minutes before we traveled to the ceremony location. My prep was cut short as I was getting ready at out new house, and they all came to see the new property. I had to put my make up down to take care of it as his scribbled down his vows. Not cool.

On our wedding night he used insulting dirty language which hurt really hurt my feelings.

I tell him I need to bring it up so I can talk about it. He doesn't do this for over two months. When I remind him about what he had in fact agreed to do, bring it up so I can share my feelings without have to break the ice. Doesn't do it.


I have an absolute hissy fit at him one night, tell him that I can't believe he can't do simple things. I hadn't asked for the earth, quite the minimum really.


There are other things, general husband dumbness I suppose. Letting his share of the chores pile up and then whining for my help. Leaving chores so long that it makes me spaz. Whining about things, like me putting BBQ sauce one his plate. All I could think at the time was 'really, you still haven't made up for calling me a slut, and you are griping about sauce on a plate!!!!'

He has forgotten annivesaries, then said he thought that celebrating them a couple days afterwards would be fine.


Help! Am I out of line?


bargoo
10-07-2011, 09:13 AM
I think you are much calmer than I would be. If my brand new husband called me a slut and a *****on our wedding night I would be inclined to get out of bed , put on my clothes and get out of there. I know this was a fantasy on his part and apparently "turned him on" but it is an insult, for sure. Couples counseling is called for in your case but I doubt if your husband would go for that. He sounds very immature. If he won't go to counseling maybe you should go it may make you understand him better and give you the skills to cope with your husband.

4xcharm
10-07-2011, 09:39 AM
Of all the husbands I know, most are what I would consider immature compared to the wives. But not to the degree of your husband. I don't think I would like him. My advice to you is to be sure you don't become unexpectedly pregnant. Sorry.


ERHR
10-07-2011, 11:07 AM
My question is whether his behavior is in line with how he treated you before you were married. I get that you didn't have sex before but was he respectful to you outside the bedroom? How was his living situation - did he keep up with his chores? Basically, is his behavior now a little worse than it was when you were dating/engaged or is this a radical change?

It just sounds like you guys are having major communication problems. Why didn't you bring up the names he called you - why were you waiting for him to? Did you two together agree on the household chore divisions or did you just have unspoken expectations of him that erupted in your hissy fit?

I say get yourselves to couples counseling stat so that you can work on your communication and expectations, especially if this was a sudden behavior change for him. Did you do any premarital counseling or are you part of a community that can support your marriage in this way? I'm also going to venture a guess that your husband watches violent/degrading pornography which may have given him totally unrealistic expectations about sex. If you want that to stop, I bet he's going to need some kind of counseling/support group to help with that (if you can get him to agree).

fullhearts
10-07-2011, 05:23 PM
I know you said you had six weeks to plan your wedding, but how long were you guys together in total before you got married?

Samantha1776
10-07-2011, 05:44 PM
Dating 4.5 years. Started dating at 19. We had known each other since I was 12 and he was 13. I didn't rush! Promise!


This is a change, prior to marrying he was extremely respectful of me. Really.This is new, hence why I am lost on this one. I wouldn't want to own up to this one with my friends. So here I am.

Oh, we havn't been doing anything. No worries of children. They are very cute for other people, but they don't fit with my career goals. The lone two times we did,*ahem* I was on birth control and his used a condom. I could be a poster person for safe sex.

midwife
10-07-2011, 05:54 PM
I agree you guys need counseling.

bargoo
10-07-2011, 06:01 PM
It is unusual to date 4.5 years and be married and only have sex twice. Something is wrong somewhere. I wouldn't put off counseling if I were you. This a very odd situation. Does he need "dirty words" to get excited ?
I would at least see a doctor about this.

Sunshine73
10-07-2011, 06:12 PM
I agree with the therapy advice. It seems like you are having some serious communication issues that you aren't able to address yourselves.

If he won't go to therapy with you then you can try discussing it on your own but remember that communication has to work both ways. Maybe he's embarrassed about the fact that he used that language and it upset you? Maybe he didn't realize that it would be offensive to you? (I don't know his sexual experience so who knows what he thinks might or might not be normal). Maybe he's someone who likes to "talk dirty" and you getting upset about it confused and embarrassed him?

I'm not blaming you by a long shot but have you really tried talking about with him - openly and non-judgmentally? I know there are things that my husband *ahem* likes that I'm not really crazy about - we discuss it - I understand that it's something he 'likes' but he respects that it's outside of my comfort zone. Neither of us is weird or wrong - we're just different.

Some of the stuff you complain about is, in my experience, normal husband stuff. The chores are a big one for us - my hubs just isn't ever going to need the house as clean as I do. It drives me absolutely nuts and we talk about it until we're blue in the face. He tries to do better, I try to be more understanding of the fact that a clean house is never going to top his list of priorities.

Marriage is a constant learning curve that requires a TON of communication, forgiveness and understanding. You might just need some help getting on that path and opening the lines of communication.

XLMuffnTop
10-07-2011, 06:22 PM
If I'm following the timeline properly, it's been two months (or more) since you got married and the night he used language you find offensive.

I quite agree with Bargoo that is highly unusual and raises a huge red flag to me. The only time I went that long in between was after child birth or a huge agonizingly painful issue that ended up needing surgery.

Chores and stuff are just an ongoing battle. I'm not a great housekeeper myself but sometimes the clutter (oh the clutter!!!) drives me bonkers. But the lack of sex between you and your husband really throws me for a loop. I assume the first time you had sex was your wedding night where he used the language. How did he act the second time?

Samantha1776
10-07-2011, 06:59 PM
It didn't go well. I won't get descriptive. No name calling, but he again let his mouth get him into trouble.

EagleRiverDee
10-07-2011, 07:12 PM
I agree with some of the others that it sounds like your husband has some issues with sex that might have come from viewing pornography and thinking that stuff is normal. I think I would tell him in no uncertain terms that lovemaking needs to be just that, and not disrespectful. It's concerning that you have only had sex twice, though, as usually that points to a broader lack of intimacy.

I agree with the others that counseling seems in order.

midwife
10-07-2011, 08:06 PM
It could also be that he is embarrassed by his behavior and doesn't really know what to do that would make you happy and satisfied. I think there is a lot of pressure on guys, especially when you are trying to get your intimate life started. He might be a little gun shy and doesn't know what to do to try to get it right.

Don't be shy. Tell him exactly what you want from him in this arena. Also, talk about it, but in a way that really protects both your dignity and feelings and his dignity and feelings. You guys are best friends, right? I hope.... :(

nelie
10-07-2011, 08:33 PM
Definitely counseling. I also agree that he is getting his direction from porn and probably doesn't know better. I used to think you had to have sex under covers because that is all I saw on tv/movies.

Skittlez
10-07-2011, 10:15 PM
Totally agree with the counseling thing. Either way you guys need to talk. Marriages, and relationships, are full of problems. Even in the most smooth-sailing marriage ever problems come up. You guys need to be able to talk about them, maybe he's embarassed about how it went down and doesn't know how to talk about it. You should bring it up! Try to make it a discussion not a fight though, I know he used hurtful language but yelling at him will just make him go on the defensive. Good luck, hope it works out for you.

Samantha1776
10-08-2011, 12:08 AM
We have been speaking, for about the last 3 months. We will hit the 6 month mark at the end of October. I hate having to bring it up, I didn't get us into this mess and frankly he is the one who screwed up he should fix it.


Again, this is a new problem. This guy paid for my last two years of university and have never brought that up during a disagreement.

EZMONEY
10-08-2011, 12:27 AM
..... I hate having to bring it up, I didn't get us into this mess and frankly he is the one who screwed up he should fix it......

On the assumption his act was a one time thing and mistake....

forgiveness on your part may go a long way towards healing this particular problem.

Good luck, sounds like there is a lot to gain for both if you get this resolved before your marriage is dissolved.

Sunshine73
10-08-2011, 12:36 AM
We have been speaking, for about the last 3 months. We will hit the 6 month mark at the end of October. I hate having to bring it up, I didn't get us into this mess and frankly he is the one who screwed up he should fix it.


Again, this is a new problem. This guy paid for my last two years of university and have never brought that up during a disagreement.

Ummm...do you want to be right or do you want to be happy?

I know that sounds harsh and I don't mean it to be but marriage is a two way street. There are going to be times when he's going to do stupid and insensitive things - you can dig your heels in and wait for him to fix it on his own - or you can meet him halfway and work together toward a solution that will work for both of you.

I'm not saying that he didn't screw up - he clearly did because his insensitive words ruined what should have been an amazing night of intimacy between the two of you. You say that it's up to him to 'fix' it - have you given him some concrete sense of what he needs to do to 'fix' it for you? What is it that you're looking for to make the situation 'right' again?

midwife
10-08-2011, 12:36 AM
What can he do to fix it?

"This guy" <----do you mean your husband?

One thing I've learned in 19 years of marriage: I recommend being quick to forgive. Everyone screws up. Some screw ups are huge and some are minor. I hope you find a way to forgive his screw up so you guys can move on. Forgiveness comes from you, independent of his actions or whatever penance you expect of him.

Do you want the marriage to work or not? Sorry if it is a blunt question, and you don't have to answer it. You seem really really angry still.

Can your marriage be saved? Only you can answer that right now.

I hope I didn't step on your toes, but I feel for you and your husband. I hope you guys can move past your rocky start, if that is what you want to do. If it is not what you want to do, well....you know what you need to do then.

indiblue
10-08-2011, 12:41 AM
I hate having to bring it up, I didn't get us into this mess and frankly he is the one who screwed up he should fix it.

I really understand how upset you must feel- he did do something after all. But I do believe it's critical in a relationship to always try to be a bigger, better person... it helps your partner want to strive for that too. And relationships are always about making each other better right?

One could argue that you are harboring negative feelings about the situation, so it's equally YOUR responsibility to share this. It's not helpful to a marriage when one person doesn't speak up when he/she is angry or hurtful.

So, the ball is in either of your courts right now.

You're both in this together. The more you lead by example of raising issues, talking through things, and share your feelings, the more you help create an environment in your marriage where that is the norm.

good luck! :hug:

Tejas
10-08-2011, 12:59 AM
If he won't go to counselling, you go. NOW.

It is not unheard of that men behave one way when not married and get very strange after the wedding. However, you knew each other (or did not really know each other) for a long time, so I am very surprised at that.

Don't be concerned about what friends might think. Get help. This is your life and don't live in an unhappy situation.

kaplods
10-08-2011, 02:01 AM
I hate having to bring it up, I didn't get us into this mess and frankly he is the one who screwed up he should fix it.


You're both going to "screw up" and you're not always going to agree on whether a screw up occurred, or who is at fault (or how much fault belongs to whom), or who should fix it and how exactly they should go about it (especially if you don't both communicate about the problem, and expect the other person to "just know" what needs to be done).

You both have to be willing to work together to repair "screw ups" no matter who caused them, and if you can't, you're both going to be in pain all the time.

I'm going to echo what others have said, and recommend counseling, because a counselor's most important role is mediator. He or she will be able to help you each see the other person's point of view, and that's a lot more important than who was wrong, or who should fix the problem and how.

Skittlez
10-08-2011, 02:11 AM
I'm confused. Why do you need him to bring it up so you can talk about it? No offense, but it seems a bit childish. You have to be willing to bring up stuff that bothers you and talk about it. Guys can be pretty clueless, 3 months later you're still walking around all angry and he's probably damn near forgotten about it. If it's a huge problem for you, bring it up and talk to him. You can't be mad at him for not fixing the problem when you won't give him a way to. How do you want it fixed? Him appologizing? Him begging for forgiveness? Flowers and jewelry? Tell him what you need him to do to make it up to you, he probably doesn't have a clue.

Having a hissy fit at him because he can't do simple things isn't a way to work on the relationship either. If he's not doing the things you need him to do, then you need to tell him that calmly and rationally. If he refuses or is unable to do those things, maybe he's not the man you need him to be. Or maybe your expectations are too high, I don't know.

As far as the anniversaries go, it's not cool that he forgets them. He should be able to remember simple dates or buy a calendar, but he's definitely not the first guy to forget them. I think you have a right to be upset about that though, I'd be pissed if my husband forgot our anniversary. Sometimes it doesn't work out to celebrate them on the day though, but he should be able to show that he remembers them on the day, even if you don't celebrate until later in the week.

kaplods
10-08-2011, 02:42 AM
I'm the anniversary forgetter in my marriage. Heck, I rarely remember what today's date is, let alone if it's something important I should be remembering. Hubby's the anal "planner-scheduler-cleaner" in our relationship, and I'm the creative, absent-minded, messy one.

I'm very glad that my husband doesn't get pissed that I forget his birthday, my birthday, our anniversary, Valentine's Day.... It isn't that I don't love him, quite the reverse. Every day is special to me, so I don't really anticipate "special dates" the way we're generally expected to (ok, the real reason is that I'm terribly absent-minded, I can never find my keys, and I'm always losing my purse - to the point that I no longer even carry one, and I write endless lists to help me remember, and then lose the lists).

Anniversaries and birth days aren't all that important to my husband either, but he knows that I feel bad if I forget, so he starts reminding me about a month in advance.

In fact, today he reminded me that our anniversary is coming up (November 2) and he asked me if I wanted to do anything special. I said, "yes, let's go somewhere nice for dinner, but no gifts (our budget is very tight).

Because I've always been a date-forgetter, I've never understood the time-honored stereotypical wifely tradition of "testing" the forgetful husband.

If you know your husband forgets dates that are important to you, why would you not remind him a week or two in advance and then again a few days before the date?

I've never understood the "say nothing, and then hold a grudge."

Of course, being a forgetter myself, I don't view remembering an anniversary (or even being aware of today's date) as a sign or proof of love and devotion.

One year my husband and I both forgot our anniversary until half-way through the day. And we'll be married only 9 years this November. It isn't because we don't care about each other, we just don't care about commemorating "dates."

I'd rather have a "just because" gift on a random day, than an "obligation gift." Of course, I wish I didn't get birthday presents from family members, because it's so hard for me to remember everyone's birthday.

This year I gave my sister's sons (ages 3-11) birthday gifts all on the same day (and their birthdays are all in different months), because I had forgotten their birthdays (I was late for two of the boys and early for the other).


It's really hard to change personality traits, even when you want to. I forget to rinse the dishes before I put them in the sink - and I forget to close cabinet doors, drawers, and tend to leave lights and the tv on... It caused a lot of problems in our marriage at first. I tried to change, and I've gotten better - but I still forget. And not because I don't love my husband, but because change is hard, and it's very easy to fall into old habits.

It's also easier to get angry than to forgive, but it's so important. Because when one person holds a grudge, the other person will find an equally valid issue to hold a grudge over. And grudge upon grudge makes the marriage a battlefield.

And nothing fuels a grudge more than the silent treatment.

nelie
10-08-2011, 08:26 AM
I will say you have a major communication issue going on here. You can't expect your husband to be in your head and know what you need. I agree that you need counseling, if not for both of you then just you for now.

Esofia
10-08-2011, 02:02 PM
Oh dear, you sound miserable. He's probably miserable as well. Living together is hard, you have to work out lots of things on your own that no one ever taught you. Forget everything you've ever learned from TV and film, for start, as they'd go out of business if they showed anything other than highly dysfunctional relationships (often tarted up to look romantic). One thing it sounds like the two of you need to learn is that neither of you is a mind-reader (another great myth of our society). If you sense that something is wrong, you have to ask about it, and you have to ask explicitly. Vague phrasing won't work. If it's something you feel uncomfortable talking about, such as sex or another highly sensitive topic (money can be a big one), then it's going to be even harder work.

Something my partner and I had to learn was how to sulk properly. There's good sulking, and there's bad sulking. Productive sulking is when you have an argument and one person stomps off before the argument gets too bad. They go for a walk, mentally running through all the nasty things they shouldn't be saying to their beloved, and they work off their resentment. Then they come home, and there's a little tap at the bedroom door, and they say, "I'm sorry, sweetheart. I don't want to fight with you, and I love you. Can we sort this out?" Bad sulking is when you hold onto a grudge for ages, expecting your other half to work out what's wrong and what you'd like them to do via telepathy, and also hold onto an unrealistic idea of how it's all their fault and how they should make it up to you.

After saying all that, there is far more to a relationship than this stuff, crucial as it is. Even if there's blame on both sides, he's being quite unpleasant over a few things, and you're right to be worried. I'd be absolutely horrified if my partner was behaving like this, and we're dealing with major illness on my part and major job stress on his. We've been together for five and a half years, by the way, and living together for four. We've had to learn a huge amount in that time, and we've got much better at a lot of things.

Could I ask more about your background? Two bachelor's degrees at your age is surprising, could you tell me more? Do you come from a family which put you under a lot of pressure to achieve academically? More to the point, did you come from a family with good relationships, particularly between your parents? My parents had a terrible relationship, so I had no model to work from and grew up listening to them always trying to score points off each other. (My first serious relationship was really not a good one, and I'd gone straight for a man who was terrible for me.)

You mention that you waited. Was this for religious reasons? Could you tell us more about your religious background? Is it something you believe in strongly, for instance, and does he? Is sexual repression a big part of the culture you come from? Unfortunately, that tends to cause problems in sexual relationships, and you can end up with really sad situations such as someone who is gay marrying a member of the opposite sex in the hope that it will magically work (it doesn't). It can also be what's behind someone getting used to violent porn, although to be honest I'm still not seeing that as a good thing. (Calling each other "slut" and so forth works for some people, but there's a certain context for that sort of thing, and your marriage evidently isn't it.) It certainly doesn't encourage talking to each other about sex, something that most people from more sexually open backgrounds find difficult as well. I gather that you edited this post to remove some details, which incidentally is a wise choice, you're better off not putting too much on an open forum on the internet. Anyway, I'm also wondering about how bad the sex may have been apart from the name-calling, how focused you both were on giving each other pleasure and how much you know about what gives you pleasure. Moving slightly away from sex, do the pair of you cuddle and snuggle much? Do you touch each other a lot, or not much, and is it something you love doing?

Lastly, do you still feel that you love him? Do you feel that he loves you? Could you tell us some things that you love about him?

And yes, COUNSELLING!

Justwant2Bhealthy
10-08-2011, 05:12 PM
You know, I got a different impression from your opening post than others did. You never said that your DH was into porn and verbal abuse for kicks. You just said that he called you a specific name -- and the meaning of that name is what struck me.

So, you waited to have sex until you were married to this man. You didn't say you never had sex with anyone else before that. But even if you did, some problems can still occur ... especially, if he was a virgin (or not), and expected you to be.

I have heard of this happening before (as I was a counsellor) -- where expectations were dashed or just misunderstood. I know girls that have used tampons before they ever had sex, which can make it appear that they may have had sex before, even when they hadn't. I have heard men make unkind and unfounded accusations to their partners; which hurt them very much.

Sometimes the girl had a previous sex relationship that she regretted so she just didn't tell her new partner about it. Then he found out after they were married and was very angry (for being lied to). I'm not saying that happened in your case as you didn't say, but it does happen a lot more than you might expect. Then the girl thinks her virgin husband won't know the difference but sometimes he does becuz he has read a lot of stuff about it before marriage in preparation for it. Or he may have experience already himself.

Also, sex in the beginning doesn't always go as planned; it can be difficult for physical reasons, unpleasant even (as in painful), or unfulfilling -- until BOTH partners have gained some knowledge and experience together; it takes time. Sex can be wonderful for both of you (with a caring & loving & respectful partner). For help with this, you should talk to a doctor.

You MUST talk to each other; you MUST forgive each other; you need to get some help -- as in counselling from a doctor, and/or marriage counsellor. Too bad you don't have a women friend or relative that you could talk to in confidence (like a married sister, aunt, mother, or even grandmother).

Dr. Jessica Anderson said this "Love (marriage) isn't perfect; it's about caring enough to make the imperfect moments work (better)." You've only been married 6 months, but if anniversaries are important to you -- remind him. If neatness is important to you; maybe take over the chores that matter the most to you (my DH & I did that and it works for us).

You will find that for every thing you have in common, there will be ten things that are opposite. :lol: You will have to learn the art of compromise and how to negotiate fairly and kindly. Hopefully your differences will compliment each other so that you can make a good team as long as you work together not against each other.

No, men are not MIND-READERS and no, they don't have all the answers either; sometimes the lady (and you are a smart one) will have to help him out. That's what partners do. Don't waste time and energy on the BLAME GAME -- move on and get this stuff settled NOW. Don't wait until someone wants out.

Everything here is fixable; you both need to be creative and find practical solutions. If you need an apology, tell him; if he hurt you -- tell him. Then forgive him. You will have to forgive each other thousands of times during your marriage. You are both young, and this is just the beginning ... :hug:

Samantha1776
10-08-2011, 07:33 PM
If a miss someones question, I am sorry. Not deliberate.

Yes I love him. He loves me. This isn't quitting time for the marriage. That for me doesn't mean that I just have to forgive and forget. I spent most of my teenage years compensating for my mother's inadequacies. I refuse to let this go until I actually feel like moving on. Currently he is doing more, but not enough. And only does something if I remind him. I don't want to take him by the hand on this one, I came into the relationship as an adult and he should be able to follow suit.


Yes two bachelors by 23 (24 now) is unusual. I went to uni a year early and took a huge number of papers. I was actually signing release of liability for each year, they don't normally let people take so many papers. I have all the trappings of someone who has their act together. It is just my weight that screams out my issues. I wouldn't say I was put under a huge amount of pressure, I just has an overwhelming need to please others. Think like neurotic Labrador levels. I am, much, much better at this now. Historically my family relationships are the things people go into counselling for. If I were to draw a picture of my family it would involve a lot of Venn diagrams, this person won't speak to that person. That person sued that other person etc...




I waited until marriage as *for me* it seemed the best way to manage all that I had going on in my life. I won't go into details as people tend to think I am prescribing a lifestyle choice. It wasn't a religious decision.



I am very, very hurt. Again without getting graphic, ( a mod sent me a very nicely worded pm with some suggested replacements) up until that point it was sweet, roses candles etc...I get that others like name calling and those sorts of things. They are usually done by mutual agreement and NOT for someone's first time.


My husband does have good qualities. He works 10-12 hours days on a regular basis without complaining. He doesn't have a bad temper, he knows how to do lots of blue collar stuff I wouldn't even know what to call. He has a great family, he gives lots of hugs and is just the right size. 4 inches taller than me.

Rainbowgirl
10-08-2011, 07:57 PM
I refuse to let this go until I actually feel like moving on. Currently he is doing more, but not enough. And only does something if I remind him. I don't want to take him by the hand on this one, I came into the relationship as an adult and he should be able to follow suit.


I've been reading this thread and your latest post actually is what made me want to comment.

Ok, so you were hurt. You've attempted to make him bring it up and he hasn't.

This is my impression here:

The issue is YOURS - not his. Obviously, if he wanted to bring it up, he would. Since YOU have the issue with what happened, why must you wait for him to bring up something he clearly doesn't feel is important? If you have an issue with someone, or something someone did, isn't it your responsibility to bring it up with them?

Forgive me if I'm mistaken, but this is mainly your issue right? You're the one that was hurt.

To me, it sounds like he does not CLEARLY understand what you're upset about or even has an idea that you ARE upset if you haven't brought it up again.

Men, and I apologize to the male members here, tend to be a bit oblivious about things. You can't give them subtle hints or even blatant hints. Many of them need DIRECT discussion: "Hey, you hurt me when you said this or that and I'd like to talk about it right now and I'd like (insert whatever it is that would make YOU feel better)."

Waiting for him to approach a subject that has likely slipped his mind while holding a grudge and probably behaving in a manner that you ARE holding a grudge (which is likely not helping improve intimacy between you two) means you'll likely be waiting a LONG time and doing further damage to your young marriage than you want.

Harsh as it sounds, I think it's time to suck it up and confront him about it (in a non-confrontational/nonjudgmental) way and make him have the discussion.

Lastly, try not to put your mother issues on him. They're 2 separate people and I know that may be hard to do, but give him the courtesy of treating him like your spouse and not loading that baggage onto him.

I apologize if this all sounded harsh, I tend to be more blunt than I'd like sometimes. :S

Justwant2Bhealthy
10-08-2011, 08:42 PM
SAMANTHA ~ I hope you didn't think that I (we) meant that it was OK that your husband called you that name; becuz I would have been hurt and/ offended by it too. I wouldn't tolerate any such thing -- so I would suggest that when you do talk about it, you also draw some "boundaries" on your relationship.

My boundaries are talking and acting in a kind and respectful manner; and taking my feelings, beliefs, and concerns into consideration. These boundaries were set from the get go; better to get these things settled early on.

My mother always told us girls to CHOOSE YOUR BATTLES CAREFULLY -- meaning, focus on the big stuff and let the small stuff go ... :hug:

astrophe
10-08-2011, 09:06 PM
I've read this whole thread and I'm confused. So please forgive me if I misunderstand.

Are you mad because on your wedding night, you lost your virginity to your spouse, and in that encounter it wasn't like you had hoped it would be because he used dirty words that you found unsexy/insulting? Then there is the extra annoyance/anger about him not meeting expectations in his chores?

I think you guys could think about how you communicate in your marriage. I'm a stranger and if I am right about what I think the problem is here... it took me a lot of head scratching to figure it out. Try to speak firm buy plain to your partner. No guessing games.

Also deal with it ASAP. Don't let it fester. Then it grows out of proportion.

I tell him I need to bring it up so I can talk about it. He doesn't do this for over two months. When I remind him about what he had in fact agreed to do, bring it up so I can share my feelings without have to break the ice. Doesn't do it.

Is there some shyness thing going on when talking about sex to your partner?

I think of sex like the weather channel. Esp. if you are first getting to know each other's style. Best right then and there, in the moment, updates all the time. Later in life this isn't as needed because you already KNOW your partner, but I think in the beginning a sense of humor and a willness to report helps a lot.

A simple "I need this encounter to be ______, ok?" before going in would have helped so much the first time out. Whether it was slow, easy, gentle -- whatever it is you needed it to be. Esp after all the wedding stress.

Then when in the process of actually having sex? More weather channel.

When things aren't working you just speak up and go "hey, this is not working for me, can we try ____? Because I'm not comfy with a pillow stuck under me." (Or whatever it is.)

Or if something IS working affirm it right then! "I like this! How is it for you? Because I could have some more of that!"

There's a period of time where you are still "learning" your lover.

In married life, there's all kinds of sex. Not just sex for fun and sex to make children. There's wide awake sex, there's I'm too tired but I'm willing to watch sex, there's gentle lovemaking, there's swinging from the trees Tarzan sex, there's quickies, there's longies, there is ... whatever it is!

If there's something that turns you off -- just say so. RIGHT THEN.

Even now, decades later we still go in with a systems check first.

"Ok, how are you? Because I'm up for it, but my allergies are gross today so I might need some kleenex breaks in there somewhere."

"Ok. I'm good to too but I whacked my big toe in the garage so look out for that. No touching anywhere over there."

It really is not a big deal.

On the chores -- that's a familiar thing too. The division of labor in a home is a common thing to have to work out in marriage. Go for the happy medium, the compromise. But keep a sense of humor and keep trying different ways so that all needs are met and take quirks into account. My spouse is NOT a hanger dude. I cannot get him to hang clothes and I could have spent the last 20 years arguing about hangers. Instead I got him a dresser. There. Fold it all then, and stick the clothes away THAT way then.

He used to drive me nuts not putting things away in the kitchen until one day I labeled all the cabinets. He said in surprise "Who labeled everything?" and I calmly said "Well, you can't remember where the tin foil lives. But I know you are literate and can READ so now you can just figure it out and I don't have to hear it." He laughed. Problem solved. He is still as clueless, but he CAN read, and he figures it out on his own time now instead of bugging me about foil.

Once he made me nuts with something and I wrote a note in dry erase marker under the lid of the toilet. So when he went to pee, he'd lift the lid and it would say "Remember... blah blah!" It startled him, but he remembered it. I don't even remember what the chore thing was, I just remembered that it worked!

So get counseling if you need more help, but also try to roll with some of this newlywed-figuring-each-other-out stuff.

GL!
A.

Porthardygurl
10-10-2011, 07:53 AM
Hmmm..youve touched on a very common subject in which spousal disagreements and fights are common. Sex is one of those subjects that cause some of the main issues in relationships..and im going to take that one step further and say that its not just the issue of sex..in fact, its the issue behind the sex. After reading what you have written this is what i can sum up so correct me if im wrong:

> Your'e dissapointed at how your wedding preparation went
> Your'e dissapointed at how your spouse failed to plan in accordance to your wedding day aka: his vows
> You feel as if you have been respectful and "waited" until your wedding night, for your husband
>You feel disrespected and dissapointed by your husband on your wedding night during your "first time"
>You feel that his comments were out of line and insensitive.
>You feel like when it comes to chores, he isnt meeting the "status quo" for the typical adult
>You see his lack of cleanliness as a childish thing and an immaturity thing
>You have an expecation about the cleanliness of the house and you feel he isnt meeting it.
>You feel frustrated that he wont talk to you regarding your wedding night which im guessing makes you feel like that he doesnt care about how he treats you.

So this is what i hear your saying about your relationship and your husband...and of course i caught the positives, but im looking directly at the problems.

Aside from that, this is what i also hear your saying:

> I felt like i had to be a people-pleaser
> I have two degrees which is unusual at my age
>I feel like there were a lot of expectations to meet growing up
> I feel like im making up for something that my mother lacked when i was growing up.

Some people will say that the list of stuff above doesnt really play into it, but thats not true. It does. If you lived in a house where you had expectations put on you and those expectations were a lot for you to deal with, the odds are, you will also grow up having either "no expectations" or "super high expectations" of someone else. A person who grows up in a family feeling pressure to meet expectations and to be "perfect" in more than one area of life, often grows up feeling like the world owes them. They walk around with this attitude of "you owe me" Its as if you have been through this time in your life where you in a sense "owed the world" and now you feel as if the world owes you in some way, for making life so difficult for you in the past. This is not true, and this way of thinking must be overcome in order to live a more balanced life around others. Also, by people having high expectations of you, it can go without saying, that you, yourself, will have un-talked about expectations of other people. Keep in mind two things: 1) People arent perfect and they can not meet all your expectations and 2) they can not begin to know or understand what those expectations are, inless you make them clear.

Secondly, if you hold onto your dissapointment over your marriage day and your dissapointment in him, because he failed to plan his vows in advance or failed to help in anyway, that dissapointment will eat you alive. You are holding onto dissapointment and in turn, it is tainting your vision, in the way you choose to look at your husband. Its as if someone just colored your glasses red. You will resent him and see him as a failure inless you learn to forgive him for his inability to be perfect. Im not saying forget..Im saying forgive. You are holding it against him still and its not healthy. Its time to move on now...you cant undo that night. You can undo that day. Dissapointing..yes..and your allowed to be, but you can either, stay dissapointed and have it ruin the rest of your lives together or you can get past it and begin to enjoy the rest of your lives that you have to share.

As far as the issue with being called names..yes, there is in fact no need to be disrespectful of one's spouse, that is true. However, in this case, it can be summmed up to your husband simply being a "dude" on a night, that he probably should have been more of a gentleman. Instead of blowing this out of porportion like us women tend to do: simply, confront the situation and say " I feel"....... and make it clear to him that you feel disrespected and unhappy when he says things like that. Ask him to be more......" however, it is you want him to treat you, and then after that..agree to let it go and move on. He doesnt need you hanging guilt over his head. He probably feels bad about the situation or he could possibly not have a clue how it made you feel if you didnt express how it made you feel.

Last but not least: Dont go to bed angry. Just make sure you arent bringing up all the issues in bed right before he wants to go to sleep. Make a time to talk about stuff with one another when you both are well rested and have time thats free of busyness. Be honest with one another and most of all..love one another..after all..isnt that why you got married in the first place?

astrophe
10-10-2011, 10:12 AM
I'm with Port -- that was very well written!

A.

Samantha1776
11-08-2011, 03:39 AM
Hurt me again. I have moved to the spare bedroom.

bargoo
11-08-2011, 07:56 AM
What do you plan to do , now ? Do you want the marriage to work ? Does he want the marriage to work ? I still think you both need counseling, you have some major lack of communication issues that need to be resolved.Your life must be miserable the way you describe it. Get help or it will only get worse.

nelie
11-08-2011, 08:03 AM
Yes, please seek counseling.

EagleRiverDee
11-08-2011, 01:51 PM
Hurt me again. I have moved to the spare bedroom.

That's a major thing- do you want to talk about what happened?

I hope things get better. :hug:

FunSize
11-08-2011, 01:59 PM
Do you love him? Like really really love him?
I've been with my husband for 6 years. The first 3 years were a HUGE learning curve. He was super immature compared to who he is today. We have learned each other's needs and "expectations" (as far as chores, etc are concerned).
He has become a wonderful husband but it took a handful of arguments and rough patches to get us here. Infact, just last night we were laughing about a huge fight we had the first year of marriage. It was over chocolate milk!
Not saying I was perfect or that all women are perfect. But I do agree with other's sentiments that men can mature slower.

Samantha1776
11-09-2011, 02:21 AM
I do love him. Plenty. Thanks Funsize, nice to know there is hope. We had a 5 hour arguement over onion rings.

You are not talking to perfect person, my stuff up are on the human level. I also tend to not make the same twice (except for overeating).

Eagle River, my very first post was too graphic for this community, a mod very nicely sent my a PM about it. I don't want to cross the line again, I want to add the community not be a thorn in the mods side.

EagleRiverDee
11-09-2011, 01:37 PM
Eagle River, my very first post was too graphic for this community, a mod very nicely sent my a PM about it. I don't want to cross the line again, I want to add the community not be a thorn in the mods side.

Understood. I hope things get better for you, I really do. :hug:

napalmtree
11-09-2011, 01:46 PM
If he hasn't used that language with you in bed since then, I really don't think you have a leg to stand on, as far as still being angry over it. I kind of agree with his silent declaration that it's silly to talk about it. What more are you going to say? You've already made it clear you didn't enjoy dirty talk. Some women do, and a lot of men do...I don't think it's fair to get angry at him over something quite a lot of men do in the bedroom, so long as he hasn't done it since.

sacha
11-09-2011, 02:25 PM
Samantha,

We can't fix our marriages when we actively do things to cause a couple to fall out of love. Move back to your bedroom. Fall in love again. Date again. Do everything you did to fall in love. I sense an inability to forgive in this marriage - this will kill it. You cannot move forward if you cannot forgive the past.

Visit marriagebuilders.com for more if you'd like.

bargoo
11-09-2011, 02:31 PM
Samantha was hurt and insulted and felt degraded by his comments. Before a guy calls you those names he shuld know it is ok t do it. It wasn't in this case, obviously. I understand how she must have felt. I know how I would feel. You can call me ugly, you can call me fat, you can call me old, you can call me stupid, you can call me lazy,but do not ever call me a slut, never in any circumstance.

Munchy
11-09-2011, 05:27 PM
Samantha was hurt and insulted and felt degraded by his comments. Before a guy calls you those names he shuld know it is ok t do it. It wasn't in this case, obviously. I understand how she must have felt. I know how I would feel. You can call me ugly, you can call me fat, you can call me old, you can call me stupid, you can call me lazy,but do not ever call me a slut, never in any circumstance.

My ex husband acted in a way that hurt me during a few of our arguments. I addressed it with him and didn't go to marriage counseling because I knew no matter what he did, I couldn't overlook it.
I moved out with our child, and filed for divorce one week later.

kaplods
11-09-2011, 09:54 PM
My husband and I have hurt each other many times, mostly unintentionally (or during a heated argument in petty retaliation for being hurt). We both are very quick to forgive - because we each want to be forgiven just as quickly in return. We've never slept apart from each other out of anger, either (my health problems prevented us from sharing the same bedroom for almost a year, and it was the roughest year of our marriage).


I wouldn't stay in a marriage, if my partner hurt me in a way I couldn't forgive - and if I could only forgive under a specific circumstance, I would expect to have to tell him specifically how he hurt me, and specifically what he had to do to earn back my forgiveness and trust, and the time frame I expected it to happen. I wouldn't expect him to "just know" what needs to be done to make amends.


I also wouldn't stay in a marriage, if my partner couldn't forgive me relatively quickly for something I did that hurt him, especially if my behavior wasn't intentional. And I wouldn't stay with someone who decided that to earn his forgiveness, I had to make it up to him in some way in the future, but which he couldn't or wouldn't verbalize specifically. That's emotional blackmail, and I wouldn't stand for it.

Because of my own background (masters degree in psychology) if I was having trouble forgiving or being forgiven in my marriage, or if we faced a problem that prevented us from lovingly sharing the same bed for more than one night, or from having a good sexual relationship, I wouldn't make sure that my husband and I went to relationship counseling with me, because I know that the situation wouldn't improve without help. This was something I also discussed with my husband before marriage, because I wasn't willing to marry someone who wasn't willing to go to counseling if we encountered a problem we couldn't resolve quickly on our own.


These are my values, not yours, but I again strongly recommend counseling, because it will help you both learn to understand and forgive one another, or at least decide whether forgiveness is possible. If one or both of you can't forgive, you both deserve to move on, even if that means without each other. Without forgiveness, there's absolutely no hope of the marriage surviving in a way that doesn't destroy you both emotionally.

Chubbykins
11-12-2011, 02:45 PM
I don't want to insult anyone's beliefs here, but I think people overrate "first time sex".
Did you ride your bicycle like a pro the first time you hit the pedals? Was your ever first pancake a Chef-level success? Unless you are Captain Kirk I'd guess "no".
Neither is first time sex so easy to "perfect" without prior experience.
The best sexual experiences in a loving couple are usually the latest ones not the first. It needs time for two people to know what they like and what they do not like.
I know of course that every couple is different etc, but I personally know no man or woman who'd be sexually content with only 2 times per month. Sexual activity is important to most people's psychological health and it makes the onion-ring type arguments vanish for the couples I know, me included.
Wedding days are also overrated. Even if your wedding day is the greatest failure in wedding day history it's no big deal. It's just a party during which you celebrate a relationship with a future. It does not dictate how good the rest of your life with your lover will be.
My Sis had a dream-wedding and a sour divorce. A friend of mine just signed a marital paper in the Mayor's office one bland day and is happily married with two kids.
Do not let failures stop you or make you stop others from improving and enjoying the now.
You sound a bit like a perfectionist to me, which can be great in education and in some types of jobs, but it is a pain in relationships.
You'll just make yourself miserable if everything has to be perfect. I'm just assuming here of course, so don't be insulted. There is no way I can know you from just a few posts.
The hardest things for some people to get used to in a relationship are small annoying things. Yes, he'll fart, go to the bathroom, fail during sex a few times, leave a disgusting mess in the kitchen and leave a sock on your comb etc etc.
All this is nothing before the joy of companionship. At least to me :)

Perhaps the ladies are right and you need a councelor to straighten things up.