General chatter - I don't even know what to do with this.




glassmenagerie
10-06-2011, 06:00 PM
I'll start off by saying that I am 30 years old and that as sad as it sounds I've never been in relationship. Not even remotely close. This is probably mostly due to confidence issues and the feeling that I wouldn't want to be with someone as big as I am, so why would would anyone else? It's pretty awful, but it is what it is.

Anyways. Last year I moved to a new town to attend college. I'm pretty socially awkward but I did manage to make a small circle of really awesome friends who I honestly spend most of my time avoiding because I feel inadequate.

Anyhoo, among this circle of friends there is one man in particular whom I have grown pretty close with. He's the first male in my life who has never made me feel like less of a person for being over weight. He treats me just as well as he would any of his friends, values my opinions and comes to me for advice. As such, he and I have shared a lot of things with one another that aren't usually things that one would make common knowledge (like the fact that I've never had a relationship, which he didn't seem weirded out by). To put in plainly, we're buddies. Really good friends.

The thing is that over the course of the last few months I've been developing some particularly un-buddy like feelings for this person. It all came to a head last week when I decided to suck it up and just tell him. I've lost 45 pounds, I'm feeling a bit better about myself, so why not do something that I have been scared to do my entire life? He's confided in me, we spend a lot of time together and have a lot in common. He doesn't seem to be embarrassed to be seen with me in public. Those are signs, right?

Wrong. So wrong. I approached him and told him how I felt. I tried my best not to come across as desperate or lonely. I just gave him the truth. He turned me down, citing that he just wasn't interested in me like that. That stung, but fine. But he also said that part of it was because I'd never been in a relationship before. Being someones first everything isn't a responsibility that he feels like he can shoulder and that he 'remembers the unrealistic expectations that come with first relationships. it's not always flowers and sunshine.' No ****?

He all but called me emotionally immature. Now, he wasn't mean or condescending at all. Most of his reasoning was pretty rational and understanding and he did seem to genuinely care if he hurt my feelings and that he didn't want to change anything about our relationship, because I'm awesome (his words).

I'm not mad at him. Just mad in general. Is this always going to be the case? Is the fact that I've never been with a man going to scare them all away? I feel like my insecurities have dug me into this giant hole with no way to get out. How am I supposed to have a relationship if no one wants to be with me because I've never been in a relationship? I'm just feeling all of the things I try not be: desperate, frustrated and lonely.

Sorry for how long this turned out to be. I just needed to vent this somewhere because I am way, way, way too embarrassed to tell anyone I know.


EagleRiverDee
10-06-2011, 06:17 PM
While he may have been being honest about all that, the bottom line was that he doesn't have a romantic interest in you. If he did, none of the other stuff would matter, or wouldn't matter enough that it would stop him. And that doesn't necessarily have anything to do with you. People are attracted to who they are attracted, and sometimes the greatest person in the world just doesn't interest you in that way.

So no, it's not always going to be like that. The guy that does have a romantic interest in you would not be deterred by the fact that you haven't had a relationship before. To be honest, I might not actually tell someone that at first, because I don't know that it really matters for the preliminary dating stuff. EVERY relationship is different, so even if you had dated 10 other men before this guy would be different. But regardless, for the right guy it won't matter. He'll probably even be stoked that he'll be your first, and if he's the right guy, your only.

MoveMoveMove
10-06-2011, 06:37 PM
Just wanted to send :hug::hug::hug: your way. I know where you're at but have no advice or words of wisdom.

I'm proud of you tho because you took action to make your life what you want it to be. Well done.


bargoo
10-06-2011, 07:32 PM
Somewhere there is a guy who has never had a relationship, either. This is a true fact. Just relax, enjoy any relationship you do have, and you do have one with this man, it just isn't a romantic relationship. When you least expect it you will meet someone. In the meantime enjoy the friends you have. Congratulations on your weight loss you have made a great start.

Glory87
10-06-2011, 07:34 PM
While he may have been being honest about all that, the bottom line was that he doesn't have a romantic interest in you. If he did, none of the other stuff would matter, or wouldn't matter enough that it would stop him.

This.

I wouldn't make a big deal out of your lack of relationship experience with future interested parties. If they ask, you can say something general like "oh, nothing too serious."

Sorry it didn't work out with that guy :\

theox
10-06-2011, 09:49 PM
What EagleRiverDee and Glory87 have said.

Sorry things didn't happen like you hoped they would. :hug:

You're very brave just for getting out there and asking.

Sometimes when people aren't interested but don't want to be seen a Bad Guy/Girl, they'll use any half-plausible sounding reason to explain why it just wouldn't work, when the truth is they're just not interested (for whatever (probably unstated) reason). It can actually be kind of amusing to listen to, if you're not the person getting shot down.

sheramama
10-06-2011, 10:04 PM
When I read this, my heart went out to you. THERE IS SOMEONE OUT THERE FOR YOU!!!!!! He just wasn't it. Think of him as your practice crush. You panned out feelings for him and acted on them. That is one point for you. You had the guts to come out and say something which is fantastic. Not many people can do that. It is easier to sleep with someone than to talk about feelings. Trust me on this.

I know it stings. You wouldn't be human if it didn't. There are still people out there our age who don't have experience in love. I worked with a man who was 33 last year who found someone for the first time. First gf and everything. There is hope. And BTW, guys like girls who haven't been around the block.

Much luck to you!!!!!!!!

Lovely
10-06-2011, 10:24 PM
Just sending a few :hug: :hug: :hug:.

The others have said it well. I'm not really sure why he mentioned the fact that you were never in a relationship... because to someone who wanted to date you, it really wouldn't matter in the least.

So this guy wasn't a catch. There are plenty of others out there that are. :yes:

Skittlez
10-07-2011, 01:47 AM
Congrats on having the courage to tell him! It didn't go the way you wanted it to, but at least you know now and won't waste time wondering 'what if'. Kudos for having guts that lots of other people don't have (myself included when I was single lol). You'll meet your man, keep your head up and keep on being strong.

cheerios
10-07-2011, 02:38 AM
Try online dating that's where I met my first boyfriend. Just be careful of creepers and the players.

theCandEs
10-07-2011, 10:55 AM
As others have said, his reasoning doesn't make sense. If he were into you, then it would not matter at all that you have never had a previous relationship. He was just trying to let you down easy by coming up with lame excuses.

This may be unwanted advice, but I would always let the man tell you he is interested in YOU first. Not the other way around. You could have gone on being friends, and eventually he might have realized he was into you, too. Now, I don't know. It may be awkward with him from now on. He might change his mind now that he knows you like him, or it could really scare him away. For me, I always waited for the guy to make the first move. That way, I know he liked me. You also need to try to put yourself out there more. Join clubs, take up a hobby, go out with your friends. Go shopping, and buy flattering outfits. It will help with your confidence. The first person you need to work on is you.

:hug: I know it feels like it won't ever happen, but if you put some effort into it, it will.

cherrypie
10-07-2011, 11:38 AM
good for you for taking the chance. It didn't go your way but it wasn't the end of the world was it? Next time you will be better at reading the clues the guy is sending.

and I totally agree the guy was looking for excuses as to why he isn't interested. If he was interested it wouldn't matter.

I'm more concerned about you avoiding your friends? is there counseling available at the school? college is a great time for all kinds of personal growth

Sunshine73
10-07-2011, 05:24 PM
:hug:

There will be someone who will look at you and none of that other stuff will matter. I promise. Sounds like he really does like you as a friend - and he doesn't want to hurt your feelings so he came up with anything that remotely sounded like it might work as a valid, non-feeling hurting excuse. Guys can be clueless sometimes.

I didn't have much experience at all. My husband did not care. At all.

free1
10-07-2011, 05:34 PM
BIG HUGS TO YOU....

The right someone who can relate to everything that you are is out there. Believe it or not, I was in a similar place. I was 26 before I had my first "real" relationship and he was my first everything. I was over 250 when I met him and closer to 265 when we married. 12 years of marriage and 3 kids later, I can tell you from experience that there is someone out there for you and it will change.

To a certain extent, my older age made me more capable of maintaining a successful marriage. I wouldn't have been able to handle many of the issues we faced in my young 20s (like financial difficulties and having a child born with a birth injury). God gave me exactly what I needed.

Feel better and many hugs....:)

Skittlez
10-07-2011, 09:22 PM
This may be unwanted advice, but I would always let the man tell you he is interested in YOU first. Not the other way around. You could have gone on being friends, and eventually he might have realized he was into you, too.

Totally disagree with this! Guys can be just as shy as girls, nothing wrong with a girl who takes charge and lets a guy know she's interested. If he's not, it might be a little weird for a bit but it probably won't kill the friendship. If he's not 12 ;)

I second the try dating online thing, I met my husband online. It has it's risks (creepers and players like cheerios said), but you also tend to find a lot more people who are serious about settling down.

kaplods
10-07-2011, 11:36 PM
Firstly, I would also caution against discussing past relationships and romantic experience or lack thereof during the pre-dating and early-dating phase of a relationship. Some people find it weird or even kind of creepy.

"Nothing serious," is a better response to a direct question, than delving into details.


As for making the first mov: Whether you do the asking or not, chances are you'll have to make the first move.

Dating research shows that men actually don't generally make the first move. Most men will only approach a woman who has already shown interest in him through flirting and eye contact, and in fact the few men who do approach women who haven't shown interest first - are much more likely to get rejected (because they lack the social finesse to realize that the woman is "really" supposed to be the one making the first move).


So while we believe we have a cultural expectation for the man to make the first move, the "real" social rule is for the woman to make the first move (but it's generally assumed the woman's first move will be a nonverbal one).

I'm not saying this to say you can't ask someone out. Personally, I've had more success with bending and breaking the social expectations. Of course, the fact that I tended to be attracted to shyer guys, meant I often had to make the first move - or the relationship never would have moved.

I highly recommend reading a few self-help dating books. You can't believe everything you read, but the books give some great tips on how to attract male attention in a positive way.

I also recommend the dating sites - especially placing an ad. If you respond to an ad, you're "competing" and that's ok, but your odds of feeling successful are lower (also there's also that social expectation for the woman to make the first move - placing the ad is the first move, and then it's the guys' turns). Don't just write about who you are, write about who you want. Most people make the mistake of making their first personal ad so generic that it doesn't say anything about them or the person they're interested in.

I learned from the romantic advice books that the generic "SWF, looking for SWM, for romantic walks on the beach..." is written to appeal to the most people, actually gets the fewest responses. Being specific about the characteristics that you want actually gets you more (and even more importantly better) responses.

In the ad I wrote that attracted my husband, I put my physical attributes out there as bluntly as possible. Listing not only my height, eye color, and age - but my weight as well. Although I made a joke about it saying that my weight and hair color were subject to change without notice, and that I was currenlty dieting - and looking for a man in the same situation or who could be sympathetic to it (because I wanted to make it clear that I didn't want a guy who was only attracted to very overweight women).

I also described my ideal man. For me, looks weren't all that important so I listed the personality traits I was interested in, such as a sense of humor - but everyone thinks they have a sense of humor, so I was more specific. I don't remember how I worded it, but I listed a few of my favorite music genres and authors and said something about someone who shared my slightly off-kilter or warped sense of humor, and someone interested in a "slow-moving" but long-term relationship. I also gave an age range I was hoping for 30 - 50. I was 34 at the time. Many of the responders completely ignored what I was looking for (or thought they fit the bill). The age range of responders was 19 to 75. And a few who wanted a no-strings, sex-only relationship (even though I made it clear in the ad - that's not what I wanted).

I think some of the guys ignored what I had said I wanted, because they were a bit stupid. Or maybe, they, liked my ad and thought "I may not be her type, but maybe she'll change her mind when she meets me, so it's worth a shot," but I also think that some of them were hoping that I was desperate enough to give up what I wanted just to have someone - anyone.


I almost didn't meet my husband, because I didn't think we had much in common, but I decided to take a chance. He was very loud, boisterous, and confident on the phone, and in person he was very shy. Our first few dates were very weird - because we'd have great long talks on the phone or through email, and when we got together in person, we had nothing to say (then we'd get home from the date, and talk on the phone for 3 hours - It was almost like a different man).


Above all, I think finding someone special is about being willing to face rejection - not just once, but dozens of times. We may think that rejection is easier for people who are younger, prettier, wealthier, thinner, more outgoing... but the truth is rejection isn't fun for anyone.

dragonwoman64
10-08-2011, 03:22 PM
hey, the only way to get experience is to jump in, which you did. I actually think you should feel super thrilled about that. The more important thing is what you decide to do with the "turn down." It's one of those things that's easier said than done, but the more you can shrug it off and move on to the next step, the easier it will be. You can mull over "why didn't he" for ages (something I've done, more than once, ha).

Another poster mentioned your line about avoiding your friends. That's a great place to build your confidence level. Build your friendships, then, imho, the emotional support you get from that will give you a big boost on the romance front.

Esofia
10-08-2011, 04:01 PM
I'm sorry to hear it didn't work out, but good for you for asking him out. I've always been happy to ask people out/make the first move, and I find the idea of sitting back and waiting for men to get on with it sexist and ludicrous. (And also not much use when the other person happens to be female too.)

Don't worry about the lack of dating experience. A clean slate can be a good thing in many respects. Lots of people bring the good things they've learned from previous relationships, but lots of people (possibly more) bring all the bad things they've learned. You haven't got into bad patterns, and you're more grown-up now. I think a lot of the bad patterns people get into with relationships can be when they start young and are too immature to handle a lot of relationship stuff, whereas patience and ability to compromise are very much things that people tend to learn as they get older. I'm my partner's first serious partner (I'd say "girlfriend", but he's bi too) and also five years older than him, and this made me pause for thought for, oh, maybe an hour or so. Then I went back to where we'd met and asked him out to coffee. I'd had a few relationships before him, the longest being half a year, but to be honest, the vast majority of what we've learned about relationships, we've learned together. Plenty of 30 year olds haven't been in serious relationships and will also have to learn it on the job.

theCandEs
10-08-2011, 04:51 PM
Firstly, I would also caution against discussing past relationships and romantic experience or lack thereof during the pre-dating and early-dating phase of a relationship. Some people find it weird or even kind of creepy.

"Nothing serious," is a better response to a direct question, than delving into details.


As for making the first mov: Whether you do the asking or not, chances are you'll have to make the first move.

Dating research shows that men actually don't generally make the first move. Most men will only approach a woman who has already shown interest in him through flirting and eye contact, and in fact the few men who do approach women who haven't shown interest first - are much more likely to get rejected (because they lack the social finesse to realize that the woman is "really" supposed to be the one making the first move).


So while we believe we have a cultural expectation for the man to make the first move, the "real" social rule is for the woman to make the first move (but it's generally assumed the woman's first move will be a nonverbal one).

I'm not saying this to say you can't ask someone out. Personally, I've had more success with bending and breaking the social expectations. Of course, the fact that I tended to be attracted to shyer guys, meant I often had to make the first move - or the relationship never would have moved.

I highly recommend reading a few self-help dating books. You can't believe everything you read, but the books give some great tips on how to attract male attention in a positive way.

I also recommend the dating sites - especially placing an ad. If you respond to an ad, you're "competing" and that's ok, but your odds of feeling successful are lower (also there's also that social expectation for the woman to make the first move - placing the ad is the first move, and then it's the guys' turns). Don't just write about who you are, write about who you want. Most people make the mistake of making their first personal ad so generic that it doesn't say anything about them or the person they're interested in.

I learned from the romantic advice books that the generic "SWF, looking for SWM, for romantic walks on the beach..." is written to appeal to the most people, actually gets the fewest responses. Being specific about the characteristics that you want actually gets you more (and even more importantly better) responses.

In the ad I wrote that attracted my husband, I put my physical attributes out there as bluntly as possible. Listing not only my height, eye color, and age - but my weight as well. Although I made a joke about it saying that my weight and hair color were subject to change without notice, and that I was currenlty dieting - and looking for a man in the same situation or who could be sympathetic to it (because I wanted to make it clear that I didn't want a guy who was only attracted to very overweight women).

I also described my ideal man. For me, looks weren't all that important so I listed the personality traits I was interested in, such as a sense of humor - but everyone thinks they have a sense of humor, so I was more specific. I don't remember how I worded it, but I listed a few of my favorite music genres and authors and said something about someone who shared my slightly off-kilter or warped sense of humor, and someone interested in a "slow-moving" but long-term relationship. I also gave an age range I was hoping for 30 - 50. I was 34 at the time. Many of the responders completely ignored what I was looking for (or thought they fit the bill). The age range of responders was 19 to 75. And a few who wanted a no-strings, sex-only relationship (even though I made it clear in the ad - that's not what I wanted).

I think some of the guys ignored what I had said I wanted, because they were a bit stupid. Or maybe, they, liked my ad and thought "I may not be her type, but maybe she'll change her mind when she meets me, so it's worth a shot," but I also think that some of them were hoping that I was desperate enough to give up what I wanted just to have someone - anyone.


I almost didn't meet my husband, because I didn't think we had much in common, but I decided to take a chance. He was very loud, boisterous, and confident on the phone, and in person he was very shy. Our first few dates were very weird - because we'd have great long talks on the phone or through email, and when we got together in person, we had nothing to say (then we'd get home from the date, and talk on the phone for 3 hours - It was almost like a different man).


Above all, I think finding someone special is about being willing to face rejection - not just once, but dozens of times. We may think that rejection is easier for people who are younger, prettier, wealthier, thinner, more outgoing... but the truth is rejection isn't fun for anyone.

This is what I meant!! I'm not archaic or sexist, contrary to what some you might think. According to Kaplods, you could say I DID make the first move. I placed an add in the newspaper (the internet wasn't a big thing 14 years ago). It was free to place an add, but you had to pay to call a number and leave a message for the person you were interested in. I tried calling a few of the guys that had placed an add. That bombed spectacularly. None of the men I called even wanted to meet me. So I waited. After a couple of months, I had a few messages, and eventually I returned my future husband's call. I, like Kaplods, did not think we had much in common. I called him anyway because we both just graduated from the same university and we were the same age. I had no expectations, but we hit it off immediately, and long story short, two years later we were married.

The few times I have told someone I was interested in them did not work. I'm not saying it can't work, but it never felt right to me. The times that I flirted, made eye contact, and showed interest without coming right out and saying I was interested worked much better than just asking him out. If he was interested, too, then he always asked me out. If he wasn't interested, then I didn't have time for him, either.

Of course, you are welcome to do what you like. I'm just trying to help you out.

Lori Bell
10-08-2011, 05:21 PM
I'm kind of thinking this guy is gay and he likes having you as his "friend". I don't know, but I have fallen for a few gay guys in my life...He sounds like a guy I once knew. :)

Ksquared
10-08-2011, 05:28 PM
One of my very very very good friends is a male and I am highly attracted to him and he is very much sexually attracted to me. However there have been lines in the sand made because we did talk about it. That was an important first step, speaking up for yourself. A great friend like that guy (or my guy) can have spectacular results for you. Not only will you be more confident, you will be comfortable and a little male attention is always good for stroking the ego. Ego is not a bad thing, only when it's overgrown.

My friend makes me want to lose weight, makes me want to be smaller, thinner and the hot friend. We have so much chemistry, so much in common people see us on the street or hanging out together and ask if we are married. It jsut oozes from us, but no we are just friends. But it's great for my ego, great for my confidence, my friend goes more for the smaller, thinner hotter girls so it makes me feel great to know A) He is attracted to me and B) people think I am his type.

Bask in the glow of your confidence and courage to make your feelings known. Those feelings will breed, you will get thiiner, hotter and more guys will approach and he will think "Oh **** what did I do? I blew it!"

ann71
10-08-2011, 05:43 PM
kaplods, that's so interesting about making the first move. My last boyfriend was so proud of himself that he "made the first move" and I never pointed out that I'd been flirting outrageously for a month before he finally got a clue. :)

ann71
10-08-2011, 05:47 PM
oh, and Kristin, don't worry too much about not having relationship experience. I was similar to you at age 25 and finally found a nice guy and my lack of dating experience was really no problem at all. And then after him I had dating experience so then it was *really* no problem.

Justwant2Bhealthy
10-08-2011, 07:04 PM
You've been given so much good advice that I agree with too. Your lack of experience would not be a problem for MOST men. I have heard only a few guys say things like "You're the marrying kind, and I'm not ready to settle down yet". YA -- OK, whatever ... time to move on.

When I was in my early 20's, one of my brothers told me that if a guy is really interested in you, that he will let you know some how, some way -- by flirting, compliments, through a friend or relative, etc. That helped me a lot.

You have to remember that if someone is not interested, it doesn't mean there is anything wrong with you -- more than likely, it is their issue (as stated above). I had lots of male friends that I would not date, simply becuz I knew so much about them from watching them with their girlfriends. You can learn a lot from male friends.;)

There are lots of single guys out there yet; just keep going out with your friends and enjoy yourself. Mr. Right will show up at the right time ... :hug:

cassandra4
10-08-2011, 09:11 PM
Don't give up on dating!

I had only had one relationship in my teens which was a big mistake. And then nothing after that. I had (still have) social anxiety and I thought I would never have a meaningful romantic relationship. I figured I would try online dating and plunged for eharmony. I met the man who would become my husband on there. At the time I was 21 and he was 22. I mean, I thought when I signed up that it would take me years to develop a relationship and get married. But I found him and we connected. He had never been in a relationship either, never kissed or anything. I was his first everything and while it did put some pressure on me, it wasn't like I was that experienced either (like I said, only one teeny-bopper boyfriend years before). We got married this year. Personally, I think the good thing about online dating, especially if you're long distance like I was, is that you are required to talk about lots of stuff because that's all you have basically until you can visit regularly or move. So early in our "courting" we put everything on the table and told each other everything. Kind of the opposite of traditional dating.

You just have to remember that there are guys out there who won't care about your relationship experience and it might make them love you even more. Who knows? You might even find a guy who is in the same boat you are! You could find a guy that has never been in a relationship and is just as scared as you are. There are endless possibilities, so please don't let this one experience demolish your hope.

Stay strong!

EagleRiverDee
10-10-2011, 12:09 AM
I also recommend the dating sites - especially placing an ad. If you respond to an ad, you're "competing" and that's ok, but your odds of feeling successful are lower (also there's also that social expectation for the woman to make the first move - placing the ad is the first move, and then it's the guys' turns). Don't just write about who you are, write about who you want. Most people make the mistake of making their first personal ad so generic that it doesn't say anything about them or the person they're interested in.

I learned from the romantic advice books that the generic "SWF, looking for SWM, for romantic walks on the beach..." is written to appeal to the most people, actually gets the fewest responses. Being specific about the characteristics that you want actually gets you more (and even more importantly better) responses.

In the ad I wrote that attracted my husband, I put my physical attributes out there as bluntly as possible. Listing not only my height, eye color, and age - but my weight as well.

This is good advice. I, too, once did the online dating thing. I found that my most successful ads were the bluntest ones. I would flat out say what I wanted...and what I didn't. For example, "no drug users, smokers, heavy drinkers". Some people hesitate to say something like that because it limits their dating pool...but if you KNOW there is a type you won't want to date anyway, weed it out first.

I also agree that being very up front about your physical appearance is a good idea. I always put a recent picture, also. Some guys think I'm cute, some guys think I'm ugly. I'd rather that the ones who really didn't find me attractive just didn't respond, than that they did and then the minute they saw my picture they ran. LOL. So I put the picture up there, so they could see right up front.