10-04-2011, 10:29 PM
General chatter - Relationship Advice (long...)
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10-04-2011, 10:29 PM
10-05-2011, 01:15 AM
I am really sorry to hear about the loss of your close friend and also to hear about your bad relationship with your ex. That seems like a lot of tough stuff to work through and cope with.
Honestly, I don't know what to make of your current relationship with 'S'. But I don't think it is a boyfriend/girlfriend relationship... WHY?? Because if he wanted to be with you he would have made it a point to be "exclusive" or that you guys were a couple.
I don't know if that means there isn't hope there... I think all you can do is tell him how you feel. If you are afraid to express yourself and afraid of the consequences then there must be a reason... Why are you scared? Because you think or know he feels differently? There is only one way to find out.
It seems your relationship with him is headed in the same direction as the ex in terms of the non-officialness. If this is not something you want then I suggest that you address it or be more platonic until there is some committment so to speak.
I am not saying it couldn't work out. My best friend was "friends" like that with a guy for almost a year before they were "official" and their relationship is still rocky (but all relationships have rough patches generally speaking).
Conclusion: I really hate to say it but I don't think this is a "relationship" the way you want it to be. The fact he already tried to break it off is a flag to me and I wonder what his reasoning was (feel free to include it if you can). I feel he may keep this up because you have both had a rough year and he doesn't want to lose his friend. Guys (generally) don't talk around being together- you either are or you aren't. Don't settle for this and don't let him have the benefits of a relationship/girlfriend without being in one.
Advice: Think really about how you feel. Are you just feeling this way because he was your shoulder to cry on? Do you really have feelings for him? If so tell him. Just tell him the truth. J hurt you in the past because X, Y, and Z (i.e. he treated me poorly, we were unofficial, and he never took me to the movies!!), and tell him you feel that you two are falling into that place- unofficial but seemingly in a relationship (i.e. text all day, talk on the phone for hours) and you are wondering if you are in a relationship or not because you feel more for him and if he doesn't then perhaps you two should "chill out" and start acting more like friends do. And if he says he doesn't want a relationship (now, at all, whatever excuse) then you seriously need to not make him a priority in life, you need to find other outlets and talk to other friends and do other things so he does not get the false sense of security from having a non-relationship relationship or a non-girlfriend girlfriend. Because if you think it is more than it is and let it carry on that way- you will get hurt, eventually. I don't know how I would feel either being with a guy that always loved my friend (even if they never dated) I would find that unappealing, but that is just me.
I hope it was not too harsh or anything. I had a bad relationship before, I have seen things happen to others I care about... I hope it works out for you. :hug:
10-05-2011, 01:27 AM
Welcome to posting! (I see this is your first post around these parts :) )
First of all, I'm very sorry for the loss of your friend and your bad breakup. And I wish you all the best with healing over those things.
Onto your story...
We can never know what's in someone else's mind entirely. However, I try very very hard to simply take people at face value. When they say something, I assume they mean it.
So when your friend said that he can't do "whatever it is" you guys were doing, I take that to mean he's not at all interested in a relationship beyond friendship. In fact, he's shown it to be that way. You might have friendly little tiffs over things, but he hasn't really made any effort to date you.
It sounds to me like he was a good friend to have while you've been going through all of this, but that it's likely time for you... if you want an actual romantic relationship... to look elsewhere.
Good luck with whatever you decide to do. :hug:
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