Support Groups - Am I justified in being upset?
09-29-2011, 02:46 PM
So I'm just writing to vent some of my recent frustrations (with DH in particular). I figure I may find a sympathetic ear here at 3FC.
DH knows that I'm counting my calories and is generally supportive, but this means that I can't pig out with him like we have typically done. We're major foodies and really into artisan beer. Last night he bought a TON of my favorite beers and wine. Now, I know that I can't expect him to change his eating habits or relationship to food just because I have (he's not at all overweight), but it's really hard to have all of that temptation around in our apartment. On the way home from the store I said to him, "Living with you is like living in the Garden of Eden - in a tent right underneath the tree with the forbidden fruit!"
His response: "I'm just making you stronger, it'll be easier for you to resist temptation when you have to do it all the time!" :devil:
I told him that he didn't understand what it was like to be me, to feel ashamed of how much weight I've gained and how badly I want to succeed in losing weight. How every day I have to make a conscious decision to eat foods that fit in my plan instead of whatever the **** I want (the way he can).
He said that he'd like to weigh less too (although mind you, his BMI is right around normal, whereas mine puts me into the obese category) and that he knew what it was like to be overweight. He said that I need to stop throwing myself a pity party, and then proceeded to describe all of the tasty treats that I can't have just to push my buttons. We've made up since, but his attitude about "strengthening my resolve by tempting me" still bothers me. How can a 5'11" 180lb man understand what it's like to be a 5'3" 172lb woman?
09-29-2011, 03:02 PM
Sorry he is being a jerk. I know my DH has sometimes made comments. If I don't want bread with a meal he will say "you are not on one of those low carb diets are you". Maybe I just don't want any stinking bread. His biggest thing is sweets. He has to have them around so he can have his night time munchies. That is not helpful at all. They should all be a little more supportive.
09-30-2011, 12:46 PM
Yes, I think he went a little far, esp describing things you can't have. Change is hard for everybody! My DH has made a few comments about not having bread or potatoes with supper, i.e. "I'm not an a diet, where's the food?!"
09-30-2011, 01:25 PM
I disagree that he's strengthening your resolve. He's TEMPTING you, and that's just... well... not being very supportive. It's like blowing smoke in the face of someone trying to quit smoking. Or laughing while waving a drink in the face of an alcoholic. Just plain cruel.
Tell him that does NOT help. He may think it does, but just because he thinks something does not make it true. Explain what supportive means to you, and remind him that if he's trying to make a healthy change, you'd be happy to "strengthen his resolve" in the way he wants, but that for you... his actions are plain dismissive of your needs.
09-30-2011, 01:33 PM
My fiance keeps forgetting that I'm dieting and he made dinner for me last night.. I'm a calorie counter and he made things that are just so high in calories that I couldn't eat very much of it.. so I drank a big glass of water before I ate, so I would be full faster and not over eat. Granted, he's used to me trying to keep up with him and I started my diet after a week of not being at home (house sitting) and with another week before I was going home (going home tomorrow) so he hasn't adjusted yet, but still.. it's REALLY hard not to eat everything I want as it is, but when he makes all my favorite foods (even though it was out of love, I know) it's hard to stick to my diet.
Missy Krissy, maybe there's some way you can relate how hard losing weight is to your DH in a way that he will understand more clearly? I'm glad you guys worked it out and good luck on your journey!
Missy Krissy, I'm with you on the beer...I love micro brews and missed them terribly (especially on a hot day during summer). It seems that even the low carb beers (and I've given them all a shot) seem to send me into a stall. The most flavorful/lowest rated one I found was Beck's Light at 3.9g carbs. Wine treats me a little better and I've concocted several mixed drinks that are no carb, although alcohol gets burned first. Let me know if you are interested in my favorites of those.
Hang tough girfriend!!
09-30-2011, 08:27 PM
Maybe you have to stop talking to him about dieting. Take the fuel away from the fire.
And don't mention what he eats or buys anymore. Just ignore his comments and what he buys.
Come to this website and look for your support.
Before you begin a thing, remind yourself that difficulties and delays quite impossible to foresee are ahead.
If you could see them clearly, naturally you could do a great deal to get rid of them but you can't.
You can only see one thing clearly and that is your goal.
Form a mental vision of that and cling to it through thick and thin.
09-30-2011, 08:42 PM
Don't go changing to try and please him......he loves you just the way you are. (Cancha just hear Billy Joel singing that?) He is sabotaging you.
Those items aren't for sustaining life. He could have done all of that without you knowing, and hid them around the house if he HAD to have them and wanted to be mindful and thoughtful of your situation. He didn't. It is as if he brought in a dozen boxes of assorted Entenmann's to make you stronger. Makes no difference that they are fancy libations.
Ask him to store them away from you for now. Out of sight, out of mind.
10-02-2011, 06:00 PM
I'm sorry your husband's being a jerk. That's not "helping you", that's tempting you. Which is not cool. I agree with whoever said just stop talking about it with him, and come here for support!
10-02-2011, 09:45 PM
Wow. Just wow. He is being so selfish and mean. Is he really that clueless or self-centered? I'm sorry to dump so much on your hubby, but I am appalled. Maybe my hubby has seen my struggles over the years or maybe I've trained him over the decades, but he does things like makes/serves any off-plan food for my daughter, sometimes cooks me special on-plan food, puts up with all the limitations I make on eating out (without a peep), emails me links to articles I might find helpful, always hides any off-plan food that is in the house for any reason (and not so much of that), etc etc. This is a life long battle and having a saboteur in the house will make it that much worse for you. Having a toxic food environment in the house is not supportive. There's enough of that out in the rest of the world.
10-03-2011, 11:47 AM
Thank you everyone for the input, I really appreciate it, and you all made me feel like I wasn't crazy! I know he was tempting me just to push my buttons, but I think now he gets why I was so upset ('cause he hasn't been trying to "strengthen my resolve" since). 3FC has been like my rock when I feel like I'm going to cheat on my plan.
Jolina- Thanks, that's good advice. I'll just have to keep my mouth shut when he brings home something yummy, better not to start that conversation.
zogo - I am very interested in your concoctions! I've been keeping alcohol at a minimum, only drinking it when I have the extra calories leftover.
10-03-2011, 12:16 PM
Missy Krissy ---
He's not supporting you, nor is he truly trying to "strengthen your resolve."
He is sabotaging you, plain and simple, and it's not right. He's dangling the carrot right in front of your face. That sucks. :(
Of course there will be temptations - there are temptations everywhere - but for him to go out of his way to describe the foods/drinks to you in detail? That's cruel.
Do you think he secretly wants you to cave for some reason?