General chatter - Opinions, please. :)




View Full Version : Opinions, please. :)


fatferretfanatic
09-27-2011, 06:51 PM
Hey, all. I am not usually one to put all of my personal business out there in the open when it comes to my marital problems. Let me first say that I think my husband is awesome. He's a great guy, and I am absolutely thrilled to have a guy like him in my life. We're both 23, no kids,etc. Here is some background info and then my issue

I joined 3fc in March when I decided to once and for all make a better life for myself, and for my husband since I realize that unhealthy me isn't good for myself or anyone else. I was making both of us crazy by constantly worrying aloud about being fat and not taking action. My husband signed up to be in the military,and after that,I thought it was time for me to take action because I did not want him to have to work so hard only to not see me working hard to take care of myself. That's not all I did it for, but it helped spark my motivation to do it. Fast forward to September. Neither I nor my husband realized or even understood that something could happen while he was in basic to disqualify him. I moved to Arizona to stay with my family while he was in, but after 16 days in bootcamp he was separated from the navy for some medical issues that we were not aware of. However, his separation is such that he can join again in 6-12 months if he so chooses, with a waiver. He was really set on serving but while he was in, he had an anxiety attack that caused him to pass out. He'd never been known to do that before, and before he left they put him on anxiety medication before he came home. He was sent back to Kentucky, where he shipped from, and now is working on acquiring the time to move me back. We can't fly because I have four ferrets, and neither he nor I drive, so he is going to pay a friend. Great, awesome, the friend was excited to do it and have a trip. (I am going to have my license soon, as i am taking my test next week) Three days after he was out, he found a job and realized that maybe it was better that he was separated that that maybe he'd rather be a civilian after all. His boss said he'd be allowed the time to come and get me to boot, and that's wonderful. I can't wait to come home and get a job as well.
All of these things are great, but one thing has been consistently bothering me since he's been back: He has changed the way he talks to me. Not the words, but for example, it seems like he avoids talking to me. I have been supportive through this time that I understand was difficult for him. He had to spend time in the psych ward, and during his phone times,I told him all was well, not to worry, we'd do something else, the navy has your health in mind, etc. When he was in separations, he told me he couldn't wait to get out and talk to me and eventually see me when he could bring me home. Well, he got out and since he's been home it seems like he always has an excuse to not talk to me, or cut our phone conversations short. Several times I got off the phone with him because he needed to do something, only to find out he immediately talked to others for a very long while. He tells me he'll call me back 'in a minute' or in a few hours, or text me and then never call or text. When I ask about it hours later, he says he forgot, that he was going to, that I didn't give him the chance, any number of reasons. Maybe they're true. Maybe I call back too soon for him to call me back, but I'm talking like 5-6 hours later. He's home and all I can think about is talking to him but it seems like all he wants is to talk to everyone else but me. Am I just being crazy? What also strikes me is that he says that this new medication makes him so much more empathetic than he was before. He was bussed home from Great Lakes, and said that he met a girl on the bus and she had such a sad story about her abusive boyfriend. I feel for the girl, I really do, I had a friend that was shot at 17 by her abusive significant other,and I take that stuff seriously. But, the point is that I guess it made me a little jealous because he had just gotten home and all he could talk about was a girl he met once on the bus, and not how I felt that he didn't really want to talk to me like I want to talk to him. It feels like his empathy does not extend to my feelings.

Before he left, he would text me just to say he loved me or call in the morning to say good morning, etc. Now, if I get a text in reply to mine, it will consist of one word and no openers for conversation. Today, he told me to stop texting him to conserve battery life because he left his charger at a friends' house, but he never mentioned it before and then later a friend on facebook messages me to tell me how he just talked to my hubby and how great it was.I haven't seen him in a few months and I am dying to get home, and he seems less than excited. I feel like something is different, and when I express my feelings about this, he tells me he wasn't intending on coming off that way. I asked him if there was anything wrong, if I had done anything,and he said there was nothing wrong.

I am so sorry for the book, but I really needed to see how others feel. Feel free to tell me I am acting silly, that the fault is with me, etc. That's OK. It could just come down to me feeling this way because I miss him, and maybe I should back off and leave him to his own devices. What do you all think?


midwife
09-27-2011, 07:02 PM
Hmmm....since he's your husband, you can't really back off right at the moment I suppose. Do you think he feels worse about the military issue than he is letting on? Sounds like you guys need to have a heart to heart.

melstrj
09-27-2011, 07:09 PM
I agree with midwife. You need to sit down with him (in person would probably be best), block out a chunk of time, and make sure there are no other distractions around. Just be very frank, and try not to get upset with him. Say "When you do X it makes me feel Y. I would feel better if rather you Z." Try to be very calm and controlled (If I were you I would be very upset). Make sure you reiterate to him that you support him and will be patient with him, but that sometimes the way he acts hurts your feelings.


fatferretfanatic
09-27-2011, 07:09 PM
I have asked him how he feels about the military stuff, and he said that basically he was sorry it threw a wrench in his plans, but that he wasn't too hurt because he could go back in later, if he wanted to. He said that he was also pretty darned happy to have come home. I have tried to open the doors for a heart to heart, but for whatever reason, he says he feels it is a non issue.Today I did tell him again how I felt and he said, "Oh, I'm sorry" and changed the subject. Last time we talked about it, a trivial reason suddenly came up as to why he had to end the conversation.

In person isn't so much an option right now, since there are about 2000 miles between us. I would love to be able to have this convo in person

wuv2bloved
09-27-2011, 07:10 PM
Depending on the medication they put him on it could change him and make him look at things different. At least he told you about meeting the girl and didn't hide it from you. Does she live in the same town as him? But honestly I would be feeling the same as you are. I had that happened to me, I was in a relationship not married to the guy but it went from talking to him everyday to maybe once a day then just stopped. He didn't wanna be in a long distance relationship and broke up with me. I hope the best for you, stay positive, Maybe its just something he has to get through right now. He may also think that he let you down in some way and is trying to figure out how to make things work for y'all now

fatferretfanatic
09-27-2011, 07:15 PM
Yes, I do understand about the meds. It could be that he needs time to adjust. They put him on Zoloft. I don't feel bad that he met the girl on the bus. She's not the issue. I am glad that he was there to help her deal with her feelings and maybe even helped her out. I don't think she lives in the same town,I really didnt ask though. It mostly hurt my feelings because I spent this time away from him missing him so much, writing him upbeat happy letters, thinking about all the cute outfits I'm going to get to impress him with and then feeling like I don't get the time of day with him after he got back in Ky and could contact me at will.

wuv2bloved
09-27-2011, 07:18 PM
Yes, I do understand about the meds. It could be that he needs time to adjust. They put him on Zoloft. I don't feel bad that he met the girl on the bus. She's not the issue. I am glad that he was there to help her deal with her feelings and maybe even helped her out. I don't think she lives in the same town,I really didnt ask though. It mostly hurt my feelings because I spent this time away from him missing him so much, writing him upbeat happy letters, thinking about all the cute outfits I'm going to get to impress him with and then feeling like I don't get the time of day with him after he got back in Ky and could contact me at will.

Keep your chin up, everything is going to work out. IF you can maybe don't text or call him at all and see how long he will go before he contacts you. I know that would kill me but just to see how important it is to talk to you.

fatferretfanatic
09-27-2011, 07:26 PM
Yes, I think I will do that. I am sure it will work out and everything will be OK. I am a very optimistic person so that's easy, but not calling him until he calls me is going to be so hard, especially tonight. But,I'll do it because maybe I am just calling him back to soon. I'll admit though, there is a part of me that is scared he won't call or try to contact me.

wuv2bloved
09-27-2011, 07:40 PM
Yes, I think I will do that. I am sure it will work out and everything will be OK. I am a very optimistic person so that's easy, but not calling him until he calls me is going to be so hard, especially tonight. But,I'll do it because maybe I am just calling him back to soon. I'll admit though, there is a part of me that is scared he won't call or try to contact me.

He will, maybe it won't be tonight or even tomorrow. Just give him a little space so he can work out whatever he is going through. If he was still in boot camp you couldn't talk to him every night. When my ex was in bootcamp he could only call home on sunday's so just think about it that way:)

indiblue
09-27-2011, 11:18 PM
I'm really sorry this has been a difficult time for you guys.

Your husband just tried to do something, to start a new career, a passion, a commitment, to the military. It required moving you out across the country, making lots of big life plans, etc, for him to do this. After all that preparing, he wasn't able to accomplish what he set out to do This has probably raised a pretty big question to him on his purpose, his abilities, and maybe even bit a bit of a blow to his sense of self-worth and pride. Even if he says (or actually feels) that he is relieved and thinks this is for the best, it's still a loss that has happened in his life.

While for you, this time of change is the most important time to be talking, communicating, sharing, connecting, for your husband it's a time when he really probably feels that he needs to focus on himself: on getting something done- doing something well in his job, getting you back home, earning money, getting the house ready, whatever- he has probably felt like he has failed and really needs to remedy that for his own sense of self.

I think part of this may stem a bit from the inherent differences in men and women- as there ARE inherent differences in the way we handle things. Women who have had a bad day usually want to confide in someone while men usually want to be alone. A woman who sees her husband in a difficult place wants to be there for him and talk with him through it- because that is what SHE would want. But the husband just wants to be alone for a while and figure things out. I know that's certainly true in our household.

And perhaps it's happening with you and your husband. He is hurting, he has suffered a loss, a question of identity, and you- as is your instinct- want to be there and support him. But perhaps what he wants and needs right now is to figure out himself and be "ok" with himself again. This might mean focusing less on communicating with you.

(I'm going through a lot of premarital counseling stuff right now so some of this is fresh on my mind. You may not subscribe to all of it- I certainly don't- but I think remembering that men and women generally communicate and resolve their problems in very different ways and this is often the source of tensions in relationships and marriages.)

Anyway, I have no idea if this fits with what is happening with you and your husband. But I do know that sometimes when there is problem with my fiance and I the solution is sometimes more communication, sometimes less. It depends on who needs what. Sometimes I NEED to connect more with him when he doesn't want to, and he gives on that. Sometimes he NEEDS more space from me, and I give on that.

Whatever ends up happening I wish you the best!! Hope you get back to KY and to your husband soon.

DezziePS
09-27-2011, 11:19 PM
I agree with the consensus of the rest of the board. I would back off and let him pursue me. Also, I think you should consider that maybe you guys living in different cities has left you with not a whole heck of a lot to talk about at this point. I mean, you've been together for a while, so it's not like that beginning of a relationship talk for hours on the phone kinda thing, and maybe he's just not got that much to talk about right now. I don't mean for you to not be on the lookout for warning signs that something is wrong, but at the same time, if he's never given you a reason to distrust him before, take him at his word that nothing is wrong.

If you back off for a couple days and don't call/text, and then he gets in touch with you, I think you'll feel a lot better about it. It's a double-edged sword, though, because if he doesn't contact you I could see it being scary. Sorry you're going through this!!

bargoo
09-27-2011, 11:39 PM
Just what are the medical issues that he couldn't stay in the Navy? I think there s a clue there. , and that may be why he is retucent to talk. Just a thought.

fatferretfanatic
09-27-2011, 11:49 PM
Thanks, guys. Like I said, I am going to let him call me though this is really scary for me. I know that there are differences in the way each sex communicates, and I know that this whole thing was probably really disappointing for him no matter what he says. I understand. It was disappointing for me to think we were going to be doing something we're not doing-and now, I'm stuck away from him all the way across the country. And maybe he would like to focus on himself. Great, but I don't understand why he can't communicate that to me. There's really nothing I can do about it, I guess. I am not disappointed in him and he definitely knows that. In any case, I'm pretty heartbroken about not being able to hear his voice before bed and for who knows how long. He may not have a whole lot to say to me, but I have things I want to speak to him about.

Bargoo, the first day in basic training my husband had a severe panic attack and passed out. They put him in the psych ward, and though he had no more after that, they diagnosed him with an anxiety issue, which disqualified him. We didn't know about it beforehand because this had never happened before.
Thanks for the input, all. It means a lot.

Missy Krissy
09-28-2011, 01:41 AM
I'm so sorry to hear you're going through this. Being separated by your SO via distance is incredibly hard, but being separated emotionally is even worse. It isn't fair that although he has the opportunity to call you at any time, he chooses to talk to others - I would be deeply hurt by that too. It sounds like you both have a lot of stress going on right now, but stress isn't an excuse for ignoring a spouse's needs. If the reason he isn't responding to you emotionally is because of the medication he's taking then that's a whole other story. If this behavior continues, maybe the two of you could talk to his therapist together? Regardless, don't forget to take care of and love yourself! Maybe treat yourself to a movie night out with family to take your mind off of things. I hope everything works out for the best for you!

Rainbowgirl
09-28-2011, 04:34 AM
FFF - I'm so sorry you're going through this :(

You said that he speaks at length to other people, but is reluctant to speak to any degree with you.

Could it perhaps be that even though he says what happened is OK, and that you tell him you believe in him and all that, that maybe he's worried about you thinking less of him because it happened? It may even be a subconscious thing.

Any medication that alters mood or helps alleviate anxiety (even previously unknown anxiety) can have a significant effect on someone's personality for the first several weeks. He might also be just adjusting to the medication and perhaps there is that feeling of you looking down on him (even if this is untrue) cropping up that may not be felt much, if at all, were he not on the medication. The medication may be amplifying that feeling from a small afterthought, quickly brushed aside, to a worry.

In any event, I would do as others suggested: Give him space and time to sort things out. He knows you'll be there for him if he really needs you, but other than that, let him come back to you. Things will probably get better when you're back together, physically, again. Long-distance can be hard for guys, in my experience, because they're not so much as verbal creatures as they are physical and visual. Seeing and feeling their SO sometimes has a deeper impact on them than speaking with them. Which may also be why he's ok with talking to other people; he doesn't think about them the way he thinks about you.

Those are just my thoughts though. Either way - stay strong.

*hugs to you*

fatferretfanatic
09-28-2011, 10:18 AM
Thanks everyone for your words of support, advice, and encouragement. I really do appreciate it. I am hoping its just the medication doing it's thing. He didn't call last night, and it killed me. Here's to hoping he wants to talk today.

bargoo
09-28-2011, 10:27 AM
I would find some way to get back together, where is he ? I know you are in Arizona. Can you hire someone to take you back ?

4myloves
09-28-2011, 10:59 AM
:hug:

fatferretfanatic
09-28-2011, 11:38 AM
I would find some way to get back together, where is he ? I know you are in Arizona. Can you hire someone to take you back ?

He and a friend are coming to get me eventually. I don't know when yet though

bargoo
09-28-2011, 12:34 PM
He and a friend are coming to get me eventually. I don't know when yet though

My suggestion , make it as soon as possible. Eventually is not good enough.

djs06
09-28-2011, 12:58 PM
:grouphug:

He's going through a lot of changes, as well as some disappointments. In addition it's REALLY hard to maintain intimacy in a long distance relationship and it takes a lot of work. If you guys haven't been long distance before, it's a huge adjustment, even if it's temporary. Maybe it would help to aim for a certain date so it's not some nebulous "sometime in the future" thing. If that's possible at all, given your situation- there are certain things that are obviously out of your control. But anyway, I think everyone has offered some great advice, I just wanted to chime in about the LDR thing being a stressor for both of you.

Hang in there! It'll be okay!

fatferretfanatic
09-28-2011, 01:14 PM
For sure, long distance has always been hard for us. We've been apart before, when I studied abroad, visited my parents and before we were married. You guys are telling me though-the sooner, the better. But, he can't give me a concrete date.

djs06
09-28-2011, 01:20 PM
Well, sooner IS always better- but if that's not the reality, it's not the reality! It's not unreasonable for you to want him to touch base at least once a day while you're apart. So yes, you do need to give him a little bit of leeway, knowing that he's going through some stuff that's really hard- but that doesn't mean you can't voice your concerns. Your needs should be met, too...

Rana
09-28-2011, 01:39 PM
I think this breakdown in communication and understanding is actually something that has to be address seriously.

You have, right now, it seems to me, two options:

You can give him space and see what happens, let him come get you when he can.

Or

You can make arrangements to leave tomorrow, hire a driver, and get to Kentucky faster.

Whatever option you take, you will have some time to figure out what you want from this relationship.

It sounds like you've been dating for a long and you married relatively young. That means that you have a lot of shared experiences together under your belt.

You may be feeling insecure, but you should take those feelings and throw them out the door. This is your husband of X years and previously, your boyfriend of Y years. You know this relationship has been strong and has clearly gone through other hard times before.

The other thing I hope you know is this isn't about you, it's really about him and whatever he may be going through, between getting a new job (and having to impress his new employer), moving to a new state (Kentucky), leaving the Navy (and under "bad" circumstances) and taking new medication for his anxiety. There's A LOT going on in your husband's world right now.

I don't think it's right that he's not communicating with you.

Does he normally deal with these problems by shutting down?

While you think about what you're going to do, also think about what you want/need out of him. After this period is over and you move to Kentucky, you'll have to figure out the right time and place to discuss how dealing with these problems affected you and how you can improve that in the future. He can't shut you out and expect you to feel great about it. But you have to figure out what your limits are in terms of accepting his behavior.

All of us are different. In my world, I wouldn't chase him either, I would let him stew in silence for a little bit. I'm not going to chase him if he's not interested in me.

I would give him some time to figure himself out, but I wouldn't depend on him either to figure MY life out. If he doesn't want to set a date for me to move to KY, then I would figure it out myself, start applying for jobs from AZ, and start figuring out what hobbies/activities/groups I want to join in KY. And I would also look for a Marriage Counselor that will help us navigate through his new diagnosis and moving to a new city (if you can afford it).

You guys need healthy ways of dealing with relationship stress because there is so much stress right now on both of you.

Good luck.

fatferretfanatic
09-28-2011, 02:51 PM
Thanks again, for the input and advice guys. It really helps.

Rana, I guess I am just going to give him some space. When I came to Arizona, I had no money, and I've just been staying with my parents. My little sister needs a baby sitter so the time I have spent here has basically been watching my beautiful nephew and helping out around my parents' house. I never anticipated that this would have happened, or I probably would have gotten a temporary job instead. If I knew I'd be here awhile longer, I'd get a job here. If it came out that he didn't want to be with me anymore, I'd just stay in Arizona and get a job. Kentucky has nothing for me there, only he and his family. I hope that's not what he wants to do, but if he did then I'd stay here. So, I don't have the money to hire a driver, and the money he has has come from the job he worked and what they paid him in the navy before putting him out; basically enough to get me back and perhaps get an apartment. I hope that maybe in the future we can afford counseling. We need it.

To answer your question, yes. He shuts down and shuts me out. He does it often, but he did at least want to talk to me in the past when he and I were away from one another. Before he left, his actions and words said he missed me. Now, I feel like he couldn't give a crap if I were there or not. Oh well. Right now, I don't know that there's much I can do except just let him do whatever.

Missy Krissy
09-28-2011, 03:22 PM
I agree with Rena's advice 110%. If you can't afford counseling services, often times agencies like Catholic Social Services, Lutheran Social Services, and Jewish Social Services will provide therapy on a sliding scale (so if you make x amount of money they will only charge you a fraction of what it would normally cost). You don't even have to be of that denomination (Catholic, Jewish, Lutheran, whatever) in order to go to them, their mission is to help everybody. Just a thought.

bargoo
09-28-2011, 03:47 PM
None of us know exactly what you should do. BUT this is what I would do, remembering that married couples are supposed to live together. I would see if I could borrow money from my parents (or his ) And I would get myself and my ferrets to Kentucky. The longer you are apart, with this , " I will come get you sometime". the harder and longer it will be.

indiblue
09-28-2011, 11:44 PM
FFF, can you take a greyhound or train? I know it takes a while, but it'll get you home sooner than waiting for a friend. Not sure what their ferret policies are.

Alternatively.... can you fly back and leave your ferrets with your parents? Pick them up at Christmastime or something?

DezziePS
09-29-2011, 12:48 AM
I agree. Honey, if it's the ferrets or your marriage- drop those little furry things off with a friend for a while and get your butt to Kentucky. Get a job after you get there and make enough money to have them shipped later.

rubidoux
09-29-2011, 06:12 AM
I agree. Honey, if it's the ferrets or your marriage- drop those little furry things off with a friend for a while and get your butt to Kentucky. Get a job after you get there and make enough money to have them shipped later.

This is exactly what I was thinking. :hug:

fatferretfanatic
09-29-2011, 10:18 AM
Thank you all for your advice, I appreciate it. and I know that I am going to come off a little weird here. The practical reasons that I can't fly/bus home ferrets in tow are this, 1. I have don't have the money for that. 2. most airlines do not allow ferrets (either they don't allow them to be checked or in cabin)/or to bring them costs as much as a ticket for a human apiece/ busses do not allow any animals but service animals.

And, I cannot leave them with my parents. Period. I cannot leave them. It is not an option at all. You guys are going to think I am crazy, and maybe I am, but those 'furry things' have helped me through more problems than anyone can imagine. They have pulled me through the depths of despair into the light, and they're some of the reason I started my weight loss in the first place. Their antics keep me sane, and I need things to nurture when I feel like nobody else cares about my efforts. Last, I promised them just like I promised my husband at our wedding that I would never abandon them. It's not a matter or my marriage or them. It's my marriage and them. They are part of our little family, and I don't abandon my family. Period.

I talked to my husband last night who texted me, so I called him, and I accidentally had a major freakout and panic attack but through all of that he listened carefully and then told me he loved me very much and that he was sorry, that he was just trying to get things for us set for me to come home. He has to at least wait until Friday to see if he got a permanent job at one of the positions he got temporarily. It seems that as far as our relationship goes, I understand that he's got some stress on his plate, just like I do. We both promised that if we say we're going to call we're going to call, period barring emergency. He says he has no intention of leaving and that he cannot wait to see me and that he didn't call yesterday because he thought I was angry; not an excuse, he says, and apologized.



Again, all. I am so thankful for your attentive advice.I know you all have my best interests at heart, and I am so happy to have a place like this because everyone here seems to have very wise things to say.

4myloves
09-29-2011, 12:47 PM
I talked to my husband last night who texted me, so I called him, and I accidentally had a major freakout and panic attack but through all of that he listened carefully and then told me he loved me very much and that he was sorry, that he was just trying to get things for us set for me to come home. He has to at least wait until Friday to see if he got a permanent job at one of the positions he got temporarily. It seems that as far as our relationship goes, I understand that he's got some stress on his plate, just like I do. We both promised that if we say we're going to call we're going to call, period barring emergency. He says he has no intention of leaving and that he cannot wait to see me and that he didn't call yesterday because he thought I was angry; not an excuse, he says, and apologized.

Ahhhh, so great to hear! I know that's a weight off of you, that he broke the silence first.

Totally understand about the animals--when you love one, they are just as human as the next person :)

fatferretfanatic
09-29-2011, 01:00 PM
Totally understand about the animals--when you love one, they are just as human as the next person :)

Thank you for not saying that I'm crazy. I feel crazy sometimes, but they mean a lot to me and they're a lot more than just animals to me. lol


Yes, it is a load off of my mind. I am sure that things will be a ton better for both of us when we have an established place to call ours. Hubby is a great guy, and it's easy to let your imagination run wild when you perceive a break in communication. I don't think he even understood, that not speaking had that profound an effect on me. I just miss him a lot.

Skittlez
09-30-2011, 06:13 PM
I totally understand about the ferrets. My husband and I have 9 pets (3 dogs, 6 cats) and we can't see ever leaving them behind either. They're our family and espeically our dogs are like our children. Good luck, hope you manage to get there soon :)

wuv2bloved
09-30-2011, 07:10 PM
Awesome news!!...good luck to the both of you!:)