Alternachicks - I need some relationship advice pretty please!

09-26-2011, 08:35 AM
Hey Girls...

Ok I need some advice and it does pertain to my weight loss. When I met my girlfriend almost 2 years ago I was a whopping 250lbs, size 18's were getting tight (and that was vanity sizing)....well I have been working on me and I'm down now to 206 and wearing a size 15 and large shirt in regular clothing and feeling ultra sexy and so good!

Ok, background. My GF is 10 years older than me, ready to settle etc...I'm still in my 30's, like to party every now and then (not like when I was 20 lol) but I'm really social....

So now that I've lost weight she's getting really insecure. She told me this weekend that I make her feel fat. I said "How do I do that?" She didn't respond. I NEVER say anything about what she puts in her mouth. Having grown up overweight most of my life, in a very dysfunctional home, I have learned to not judge people and point fingers etc....cause I know how much that hurts. But if we go out for dinner (like we had sushi the other night) I stick to the sashimi casue it's just fish, low cal and really good for you....she would ask me if I want shirmp tempura or something fried and when I refuse she just stays quiet....or we went to starbucks and I got a small vanilla lattee made with soya and sugar free syrup as a treat. My GF is like " how is that a treat?"

I don't know....I feel like we are drifting...she's even told me that when I get all skinny and hot I'll find a better, hotter GF........

But I reassure her that what she gives me from her heart and soul is what I want.......she's even getting annoyed with my Facebook picture, it's the same avatar I have here...saying I look hoochie!!!!! She doesn't want me to look sexy but that's who I am, I have ALWAYS been that way, skinny or fat! I'm totally ultra femme, love my heels, makeup etc....but don't get me wrong that doesn't make me a pushover! I'm totally confident in myself and pretty masculine when I have to be ;) LOL

I don't know what to do.....I feel we are drifting apart and she's taking my weight loss peronsally and hard. She's very insecure and it's DRIVING ME NUTS!

What do I do? I don't know what to do, or even why I'm posting...I just don't know........cause her insecurity isn't making me very happy....and I have been in such a great place since losing weight and my new lifestyle's almost that she wants me to stay fat :(

09-26-2011, 10:20 AM
I think sometimes it takes our signifigant others some time to come around to the idea that we have for ourself. And it does bring out insecurities, in a lot, if not most relationships. For some reason when they see you improving youself they start thinking they will no longer be good enough for you, and all their insecurities start to surface. If you love her, and want to be with her I suggest doing everything you can to make her feel secure in y'alls relationship. Hope it helps and congrats on your w/l so far and your future w/l!!! :)

09-26-2011, 10:37 AM
Try to get her to join you in losing weight. It can be something that you two can do together and in the end you both will feel good. Or you can be truthful and tell her how you feel and how it is affecting you. In the end just reassure her that you love her and want to be with her. Goodluck :)

09-26-2011, 11:12 AM
This is very common in SO. You gave it the right word. Insecurity. Husbands and partners become afraid thatyou will start looking good to someone else. This may be true but doesn't mean you will act on it. It will take her a while to realize that you are still the basic person that you werr, but are much healthier , now and that you are not interested in anyone else.

09-26-2011, 11:56 AM
This is a very common thing I've seen around the boards.

Insecurity, fear of change, and fear of you now judging her if she doesn't follow the same eating habits.

It's not quite that she wants you to stay fat, but she's probably so used to you at your highest weight. All the changes you're making, it can make a person feel a little bit insecure about the relationship.

Do you want to stay with her? Then reassure her that you're eating healthier & losing weight for yourself. And that you never judge her about what she's eating, and that you care for her. That being healthier has made you happier, and you want her to be happy with you.

09-26-2011, 02:36 PM
Thank you ladies. I guess I'm tired of having to reassure her, she can be so negative where I try to always see the best of every situation, even through the bad times. But that being said she has been my rock and is always there for me and I tell her all the time I'm doing this because I want to be healthy and be around with her so we can make happy memories together. We actually started out together doing slim fast, but after losing 5lbs and not seeing results afterwards I started working out. I have offered time and time again to work out with her but she's always tired, or she's sick, or there's always an excuse, so I don't push it. I don't want to force her, I know this is a very personal decision. I have offered my help but I think she just feels so insignificant in herself that my confidence overwhelms her at times. I'm also the one that is very career driven etc. But none of that matters to me, it's her soul and her heart and I guess I see her potential but I'm afraid that I can't live with potential forever when there aren't changes. And not just in the health department I mean in life in general, attitude and percerption. I feel like I'm constantly being draged down and I don't think she means to do it, I think its very unconscious, but it's starting to effect me. I have talked to her about it but instead of hearing me she internalizes it and feels that she isn't good enough for me........sigh.....I honestly don't know what to do, she's the love of my life. I truely love her. It's her attitude and out look on life that is starting to bother me....How much do you talk? I talk to her all the time but again she feels that she isn't good enough :(

09-26-2011, 02:43 PM
Like the others said, I think this is really common in relationships where one person loses weight and the other doesn't. I have these insecurities, myself, because my husband is able to lose weight quickly and easily and naturally has an athletic build. I don't, and have to work my butt off. He plays co-ed volleyball every week and I often hear the little insecurities in my head telling me he's going to find someone more fit and more sexy than I am. I have to tell myself he loves me and that I need to let him do things for him that he enjoys without making it a guilt-trip. I understand why you are frustrated, I guess just do your best to reassure your GF and try to be patient with this aspect of her personality. Once you reach your goal and she sees you are still with her and happy, things should settle back down. Change is hard for people.

09-26-2011, 08:28 PM
My ex used to make comments like these quite often. Our relationship didn't make it for many reasons; weight loss not being one of them..However, I did gain most of my weight back before our separation and had to start over again. It wasn't a healthy, supportive situation for any kind of success on my part. Please just make sure that you don't take the comments and turn them in to guilt. You seem to be doing a great job. I hope you and your partner can overcome these insecurities, and work towards a healthier life together.

09-27-2011, 02:26 PM
Thank you girls so much! Its so nice to hear other perspectives, so I can see what she sees you know? So we talked last night....we had a really good talk and I reassured her that I would never leave her for somone skinny and hot etc because what we have means so much more than just the phsyical hot fling thing....I'm not into that I want her. We are going to keep working at it and talk more tonight when I see her.....Thank you so much! I really needed to see her side to it to you know cause I get stuck in my crap!

09-29-2011, 03:10 PM
One of the hardest things about relationships is when you love someone it doesn't promise that you will continue to evolve along the same pathways or even parallel ones. Sometimes LOVE just isn't enough. Man does that lesson suck.

You have to be honest with her because you do love her. You have to tell her things, without confrontation (it can be REALLY hard to sound even keeled when you're passionate about something - or at least for me) when you feel them. Tell her you're concerned about what's happening to the relationship. Tell her that her insecurites about you losing weight are starting to weigh heavy on your heart and your relationship and that you want to increase the health of your connection as you work on your own journey to health. Invite her to walk beside you, but tell her you don't expect her to do anything but be supportive. She's putting a lot onto you by throwing some really low expectations into your relationship and, therefore, stressing and cheapening your connection. She is telling you that the more you succeed on your journey, the worse things will get for the both of you. That's NOT support. That's the opposite.

reassure her of you intent and your feelings. If you still feel committed to the relationship, then tell her that you want to make steps to strengthen it just as you are strengthening yourself. Plan a trip together or relive a favorite date. Put some woo back into stuff. Take a class. Go to counseling and learn how to talk again. Throw a party together. Reinvest energy into doing stuff.

Ultimately, how this effects her is up to her. You give what you can and you work on you. If you grow apart, you can not kill yourself to keep it together. And you can not compromise your work and your journey toward health because of her fears. I'm sorry, but healthy means HEALTHY. Physical, spiritual, emotional HEALTH. She has to understand that this isn't a phase, this isn't a diet, this isn't a fad. Your life is evolving. THIS is what your life LOOKS like now. You don't need to treat with something that doesn't treat you kindly or taste that great to you anymore. You WILL be working out. You will be aware of what you put into your body. This is WHO you are now.

Good Luck. Keep TALKING. Keep your sense of humor. You are VERY strong, girl. Look at all you've done already.:hug:

Just my 2 (more like 10) cents!


10-07-2011, 10:33 AM
Kiki, thank you so much. I needed your advice. I always tend to put others before myself and I'm trying to change that. We talked all was good and then it happened again. I made a comment about somone on TV (a celebrity) that I could never date that person and she immediately said "see, when you get skinny your going to leave me" I just looked at her and said "how can you even compare yourself to this person and how can you think that's the type of person I am. It really hurts that you think I'm so shallow. The emotional support and love you give me are beyond anything phsycial cause it comes from soul, how can you think that of me, it really hurts" She apologized for being that way but I can feel it still when I mention something in regards to weight loss. It's that undertone in her voice that doesn't sound genuine at all.

I totally hear you about killing myself to keep it together. I always do that too, but I don't think I can do that anymore :( Things are good now as they are but I know the closer I get to Onederland my body will change that more drastically. I don't know if she will be able to handle it. We'll see what happens.

10-07-2011, 11:41 AM
There's a lot of insecurity between Husband and I right now, so I can relate. He's afraid I'm going to "find someone hotter" and I'm afraid he won't be attracted to me when I'm at a weight I'm ok with. I try to reassure him every time he mentions it, but it's getting old. Hang in there, and keep saying it with a smile, even when it's the 10 millionth time you're repeating it.

01-19-2012, 08:43 PM
You know when I started my journey last year my fiance was totally against it. He does not like little women at all, he doesnt find them attractive. One day we went to the park and I could barely walk up a hill without having to stop and take a break and I started having chest pains every day. He saw that my weight was killing me. We then sat down and talked about what he would be comfortable with as well as I will. I by no means am making a sacrifice, I like being big, my personality reflects a larger girl, and I LOVE being a BBW, just not as big as I am. I want to be healthy, I want to be able to go to the park and play with me daughter or go hiking with him and not die in the process. Maybe that is what you should do. Sit down and talk with her(which you already did to reassure her) but also ask her what she feels comfortable with. Ask her if there is anything you can do to make her feel better. Definately if you two are not living together it can be hard but coming from someone who has a fiance that is as insecure as a hermit crab is around snow crabs, it will get better. He tells me every day how proud of me he is, because I made him realize the big picture. I am not JUST losing weight and changing my lifestyle for me, I am doing it so I can live a long happy life with him, and I am doing it so I can see my daughter get married, and have children. I dont know some people are just difficult and you may have to break up with her for her to realize what she is doing (not saying break up and stay broken up) but just as a reality check for her, but beware because this is gambling.

01-20-2012, 06:26 PM
She sounds insecure and in need of reassurance, like she is afraid of losing you once you find the strength and confidence that comes from self-improvement. Often, when we change, our loved ones feel threatened and sometimes they sabotage our efforts at self improvement inadvertently; this is sad, but it happens without them even knowing it, usually, and she may not be self-aware of how her behavior is negatively impacting you. You've got to address both your feelings of being held back by her lack of support and her fear of abandonment at once.

Don't give up on your own improvement just to make her feel better. Stay firm and let her know that you love her and care about her, but that her insecurity is driving a much bigger wedge between you than anything to do with her weight. Then, try to plan a date night once a week or something, so that she has time and affection from you. See if you can include her in your efforts by taking a yoga class or a fitness class or some gym time together; this way, she will see that you trying to get more fit is about you and not about getting fit to find a replacement for her.

Try talking to her firmly and directly and see if she will tell you anything you can do to reassure her that you care about her that doesn't involve sabotaging your efforts or discouraging them. Does she fear that you're being unhealthy or obsessive in your approach toward weight loss?

If all else fails, go to couples counseling. You don't want the relationship to crumble because of your own efforts at self-improvement, but you have to value yourself and your progress enough not to allow yourself to compromise your goals for her baseless fears.

Communication is important, both for you and for getting through your own dysfunctional past and how it ties into your weight and relationships. Do NOT ignore your own needs! Hang in there!