General chatter - Have I been friend-dumped?




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EagleRiverDee
09-22-2011, 01:18 PM
I just need to get this off my chest. I'm 38, my best friend (also a woman) is 36. We've been best friends for about 3 years. We live in different cities but up until the last few weeks we had been quite close- emailing, chatting, IM'ing, or talking on the phone almost every day.

About six weeks ago she met a guy online. They haven't met in person, but she really likes him and they plan to meet soon.

About 4 weeks ago she left her job to go back to school.

I get that these are MAJOR game changers for her life. I completely get that. I have tried to be 100% supportive, sympathetic (when she needed it), and I always ask her how things are going. I'm interested in her life. I value her as a friend.

About the time she left her job, she started communicating less and less with me. About two weeks ago, she virtually stopped. In the last week, she has not returned my emails or had any other contact with me.

I know she's okay, because I see on Facebook that she's talking to other people, that's she's excited that Vampire Diaries is back on tv, that she misses having a paycheck but is happy about the shorter days and longer weekends. I see she is playing online games for hours at a time and posting about it on Facebook.

That, to me, implies that she has free time-- and that she is blowing me off.

And I cannot figure out WHY. We didn't have a fight. I didn't say anything insensitive. I'm not only talking about me- I ask her about her boyfriend and school and family often. I listen to what she says.

I am literally just blown away by this change in our relationship, and I truly am baffled...and hurt.

I'm afraid to confront her directly about it because I don't want to make her defensive and angry. I have continued to send her emails giving her little updates on what's going on with me and asking how things are going with her, but she's not answering them. I saw her come online on Skype chat yesterday and then she left...or went invisible.

I'm not a kid. I've had friendships end before, but always before I understood why. And it's not like I have so many friends that I won't notice one gone. I actually have many acquaintances but very few people I actually call friends. And only one person I call my best friend. And now she's just cut me off.

I guess I just needed to vent. I'm pretty hurt by this.

Thanks for listening.


bargoo
09-22-2011, 01:27 PM
Sorry this has happened. I would consider that the ball is in her court, now. You have continued to stay in touch with no response, as much as it hurts I would leave her alone for now and see if she will get back to you.

better health3
09-22-2011, 01:32 PM
I am sorry this happened to you too. Many people do not like confrontation and prefer the ignorance method...sometimes, people outgrow one another and it is time to move on. Some people have tact and wish the best for you and others ignore us or change their number because they don't want to cause an uncomfortable scene or hurt the other person further. I would go on with my life, and if she doesn't come back...then the relationship ran its course. It happens to everyone. Good luck and take care of yourself.


Gogirl008
09-22-2011, 02:06 PM
It sucks to have friendship troubles, especially when you don't know what the trouble is.

It sounds like you two have been close enough that you could ask her if there is a problem, not in a confrontational kind of way though. Would you be able to ask something like "It seems like we haven't been in touch much lately and I wondered if there was something I said, or did, that offended you? Just want to be sure things are ok with us 'cause I miss you :)." Either you'll get an answer or you won't. And if you don't then maybe she just isn't being such a great friend. Hope things work out. :hug:

EagleRiverDee
09-22-2011, 02:47 PM
It sucks to have friendship troubles, especially when you don't know what the trouble is.

It sounds like you two have been close enough that you could ask her if there is a problem, not in a confrontational kind of way though. Would you be able to ask something like "It seems like we haven't been in touch much lately and I wondered if there was something I said, or did, that offended you? Just want to be sure things are ok with us 'cause I miss you :)." Either you'll get an answer or you won't. And if you don't then maybe she just isn't being such a great friend. Hope things work out. :hug:

I have done that, nearly using the same words you suggested. I got a reassuring "No, absolutely nothing is wrong" response...and then she stopped talking to me again. That was a couple weeks ago.

Which is why if I was going to have a conversation now, I would probably choose to be more direct and simply lay it out much like I did here in my first post. But I know that is nearly guaranteed to cause her to be defensive.

I don't much like my options right now as it seems like saying something will make her mad, and not saying anything will probably just result in the continued death of our friendship.

I hear what other people are saying about how sometimes friendships just run their course- I do agree with that- but didn't feel like our friendship had done this. I mean, the change is drastic and very sudden. It didn't happen slowly over a period of time. It's more in line with what would happen if you had a big fight or something- but we didn't.

Gogirl008
09-22-2011, 03:25 PM
I have done that, nearly using the same words you suggested. I got a reassuring "No, absolutely nothing is wrong" response...and then she stopped talking to me again. That was a couple weeks ago.

Which is why if I was going to have a conversation now, I would probably choose to be more direct and simply lay it out much like I did here in my first post. But I know that is nearly guaranteed to cause her to be defensive.

I don't much like my options right now as it seems like saying something will make her mad, and not saying anything will probably just result in the continued death of our friendship.

I hear what other people are saying about how sometimes friendships just run their course- I do agree with that- but didn't feel like our friendship had done this. I mean, the change is drastic and very sudden. It didn't happen slowly over a period of time. It's more in line with what would happen if you had a big fight or something- but we didn't.

Sounds like you are at a crossroads with her. Do you think this new guy has become her new "best friend" and she's sort of infatuated with him at the moment? I have a friend that needs me only when she's single. Just a thought.
I guess having it out with her will either make it better or worse, and if it's not great now then maybe there's nothing to lose.

Rainbowgirl
09-22-2011, 03:28 PM
EagleRiverDee: I feel for you. I know what it's like having few friends. I never had many in high school, and when I moved down to the Coast to work, I've made even less. A few of the girls at work I'm close with, but we don't hang out (they're way older). I don't have a "friend" to hang out with apart from my dog. Last year, while one girl at work was on her maternity leave, we got this replacement for her. I'll call her Andra. We were connected at the hip. Two totally different people: she's a vegetarian, I'm not, she weighs about 100 lbs soaking wet, I'm over twice her weight, she's redhead, I'm brunette, she's very sensitive and gentle, I'm not (lol). But we really hit it off. She routinely came out to meet my puppy when mom brought her to work, when mom made cream of potato and ham soup, she made a batch without the meat in it for Andra, I gave her rides home, we would talk for HOURS at work, wasting huge chunks of time then we'd laugh as we struggled to catch up. We heated our lunches up together, walked to the cafe together.

And then January 23 it just stopped. From January 23 to 26 I asked her if she wanted to heat lunch up with me. Every time she said no. I'd ask if she wanted to go to Tim Hortons, she'd say no - but then go as soon as I got back from getting a drink from there. I may be slow sometimes, but I got the hint after 3 days of being rejected and being ignored. Since January 26 she hasn't spoken ONE WORD to me since. Not one. I've even ASKED her questions, directly, regarding work, and she will ignore them.

At first, I was upset. I thought: Could I have said anything that would have upset her? But there was nothing I could think of. I thought, maybe all I did was talk about me (which is a bit of a bad habit of mine) but no, I remember consciously being aware to not always have the discussion on me; we talked about her family, her boyfriend, etc. I remembered to ask how her dad was after his cystoscopy. So that couldn't have been it. Nothing I could think of made sense and she certainly wasn't going to tell me.

Then I became angry. How DARE she just drop me like that? It's one thing if we didn't have to see each other anymore, but I still see her almost daily. How could she just drop a friend, for no reason, like that? I called her all sorts of names in my head.

And now? Meh. I just don't care about her. She's two-faced and I can't stand two-faced people so I ignore her, flat out. She'll say "bye" to everyone as she leaves for the night, as she's walking by my desk, and I'll not say a word. If it's just me there (like on Sundays) when she leaves, she won't even bother to say "bye" and not because she knows I won't respond; she stopped saying "bye" back in January before I caught on that I'd been dumped.

In your situation, if the friendship really can't be saved, then it can't. I know it hurts and it's frustrating to not know WHY it's died. But sometimes it's better for everyone involved to move on. You've attempted to contact her - the ball is in her court. She knows you want to remain friends, it's up to her to decide if SHE wants to. If you're still bugged about it - I'd delete her from Facebook (I did with Andra) and Skype. She might notice and it might shock her into thinking "Wait, what?" and she might contact you. If she doesn't, then you'll at least know.

Sometimes, friendships die and you don't know why. They either just fade away, or like here, they dump you. It might be the combination of so much going on in her life that she's reorganized what she feels are priorities to her, and you don't fit in (as cruel as that sounds). In the end, it's not something you can do anything about. You've tried, now let her decide what to do with the ball.

Have you tried looking on CL for platonic friends? I found one friend there a few years ago - but we drifted apart over a year or two (both of us are really busy and whatnot).

EagleRiverDee
09-22-2011, 03:46 PM
Rainbowgirl-

Your story seems similar to mine, except I don't work with my friend. And it's just as baffling. The only other thing I could possibly come up with that I might have done that offended her is that I started doing P90X exercise program and I talk about occasionally and I said if you want to see what I'm doing here's a link. That's not unusual for us to share links so that the other person has a decent idea of what the other person is talking about, right? But she did get kind of irritable and said she had no interest in doing P90X. I said, "I wasn't trying to get you to do it. I just thought maybe you would want to know what I was doing, since I talk about it." And then I dropped it and never brought it up again.

So I wondered if maybe she thought I was saying she needed to exercise...but I wasn't. It never even entered my mind.

Oh I forgot one major thing. My Grandpa died just over a week ago. I posted it on Facebook and she did comment that she was sorry. The next day was the last time we "talked" (it was an IM session) and she didn't even ask me about how I was doing or how my mom was doing. She just talked about school. I remember thinking, that was kind of insensitive and not like her.

I don't know.

I might try your CL idea. I only had 2 women friends and both of them seem to have dumped me this year. The first one is just par for the course for her- she gets into her boyfriend and ignores me until they break up and then she is around all the time because she can't stand to be alone. I guess it's possible that my best friend has replaced me with her new boyfriend, but I see she is still talking to other women friends on Facebook but not me, and I just am so confused.

I appreciate the responses, it does help at least to vent it out.

Lovely
09-22-2011, 04:54 PM
You've already gotten some good responses, I just wanted to send a :hug: It really does suck when there's no "reason" for it.

CrystalZ10
09-22-2011, 09:24 PM
Maybe she just needs a break? Talking to new people or whatever? Some people are like that.

Also maybe with all the changes, she might feel like she's always complaining to you and just doesn't want to weigh you down with her issues?

Or possibly, she's a user who found someone else to replace you.

Either way, its her, not you with the issue. Sorry your dealing with this. {hugs}

EagleRiverDee
09-22-2011, 10:14 PM
Maybe she just needs a break? Talking to new people or whatever? Some people are like that.

Also maybe with all the changes, she might feel like she's always complaining to you and just doesn't want to weigh you down with her issues?

Or possibly, she's a user who found someone else to replace you.

Either way, its her, not you with the issue. Sorry your dealing with this. {hugs}

Those are possibilities. I'm going to give this another full week and see what happens.

MiZTaCCen
09-23-2011, 10:20 AM
I say you've done all you can, and I'd personally cut ties. It sucks when people you care about just walk away for whatever reason but it happens. *Hugs* when she's ready she'll come to you, and if she doesn't she wasn't a true friend to being with...

Zeitgeist
09-23-2011, 04:59 PM
I'm not excusing her behavior, but when I played online FB games for hours at a time, it was because I was depressed and was looking for a way to escape. It was the only thing that I had energy for; everything else was too overwhelming to contemplate.

Kitsey
09-23-2011, 08:49 PM
I've got to agree with what Zeitgeist just posted. I started a new job this year that I hate, and have been quite depressed because of it. I will spend hour upon hour doing mindless things on Facebook, and I KNOW I've been neglecting my friends unintentionally, I just haven't been able to find my way back yet. I think about it daily, how I need to respond to this or that, and feel guilty each time I tell myself I'll do it tomorrow :/

MandeLea
09-25-2011, 01:45 PM
Is it possible for you to ask her if this is the case without going into detail as to what/why? This can alleviate the defensiveness. If she doesn't respond, chances are that yes, the relationship has taken a turn.

I feel the part about not knowing why :(.

JOLINA
09-25-2011, 03:57 PM
I opened a lot of Christmas mail one year without reading to whom they were addressed. Since they were all in my mailbox, I assumed they were all adressed to me. I came across one card with a very nice letter inside. The woman wrote how much she and her family missed me, since their move, and all the fun times we had in the past couple of years.

:write:

I assumed it was from a friend of mine that had just moved to Florida.
Then I realized it was from someone I didn't even know!
It was addressed to the former owner of my new house.

So I called her up and told her I had opened the letter from her friend by mistake and wanted to know if she wanted me to send her the letter.

She said "No, just throw it out."
I asked her if she wanted me to read her the letter before I threw it out. "She said "No, I'm not interested, and I just don't have the time now.. I have to fix dinner."

So I threw it out. I was amazed that she did not even want me to read her the letter. Out of sight, out of mind, I guess.

That was a real eye opener for me. I never knew people could be so callous.

The next year I received another letter, so I again called the former owner. Same response..."just throw it out."

How sad that some people have no ability to care for others who care for them. They sure miss out on a lot.

Just cherish the people that really care for you. And forget the rest. They aren't worth your time and effort.

:hug:

SO MUCH CHOCOLATE. SO LITTLE TIME!
:T :chockiss:

Huzzahforska
09-25-2011, 04:32 PM
being friend dumped is the pits, somehow I managed to get mass-friend dumped last year after I got into a relationship with my now fiance. Almost all the single girls I used to hang out with decided, for some reason, that they didn't want to bother being my friends anymore. I tried to ask them about it but they all snubbed me, so I just let it go. And then, not too long after that, all of the guys I'd hung out with when I was single (and part of the single girls crew) seem to have decided that they didn't want to be my friends anymore either. It nearly broke my heart, we all had so much fun together for so long, and some of us were really close- and then all of a sudden they're all gone. I still see them around when I go see my friends bands and stuff, but they rarely acknowledge me, even though I always make sure to say hi to them.

I think the lesson I learned was that some people just don't know how to be a good friend.

EagleRiverDee
09-25-2011, 11:33 PM
It's sad that so many people here have experienced this like I have. This friendship is still up in the air. I tried posting a comment on her FB page- she had asked for ideas on a homework assignment and I offered to help. She did respond, to me along with the other people who offered help, but she told me no. And that is the last I've heard from her.

I know at this point I probably should just move on. I just wish that it didn't hurt the way it does. I guess I need to make the effort to make a new friend, as I am literally without women friends right now (excluding the fine folks here :) )

DezziePS
09-26-2011, 12:13 PM
Oh, I'm going through something like this, too. My best friend and I were close for 10 years. Through all kinds of problems, we managed to spend time together almost every day for TEN years. We were incredibly close. Then, I divorced my husband a couple of years ago. We didn't have any kids, we had only been married a couple of years, and frankly I didn't want to have to live down one stupid mistake for the rest of my life. Best Friend just all of a sudden stopped wanting to be around me, even though she had never liked my husband much. She said, "It just made me think that you had taken vows to stay with him and you didn't do it. What about me? You didn't make promises to me and what if you betray me?" I told her it was totally different- not to mention I had been married for 2 years and we had been best friends for 10- guys had come and gone, and I didn't say this but she had never had a relationship that lasted more than a few months! If she was using how I treated men as a gauge for how I would treat her, that's awfully hypocritical. Frankly, I loved her like a sister and I was pissed that she would be throwing this on me when I needed support. So I kind of let her have some space, though we would still meet up every few weeks, she met a guy, they started seriously dating, and moved in together. She was constantly on facebook posting about all the things they were doing with all their new friends, but she never had time for me. Like several other people here, I tried to address it with her, and she kept saying everything was fine. I would comment on her posts, try and send her little texts every once in a while saying I was thinking of her, would love to get coffee sometime. Last time I heard from her was just over a year ago. She said we should go get coffee and then I never heard from her again. I eventually deleted her from my facebook because it was making me so sad to see all these pictures and posts of the obvious free time she had for everyone except me. I go through phases of anger and grief, I am still very sad about this. She got married several months ago and I found out through a mutual friend. It was a small destination wedding in Hawaii, so I didn't expect to be invited, but I would have at least liked to know about it. I sent her a message and said that I was so happy for her, and that I never thought there would be a time in our lives where one of us could have something so important happen and the other wouldn't even know. I told her I wanted to be part of her life in some sense, and wished her and new hubby all the best. Nothing. That was about 3 months ago. I called her last week and left a voicemail saying that I would love to hear from her and didn't indicate any irritation, just kept it light. Nothing. I know I need to just back off, but I'm hurt so badly and I am still so upset about it. It feels like the worst break up ever. I know what you're going through. Why are people so mean?? Thank you for this vent!!

EagleRiverDee
09-26-2011, 12:40 PM
Dezzie- your situation does sound similar to mine. :(

Well I tried again today and sent an email asking how my friend is doing, mentioned I missed hearing from her, and told her a little about what has been going on with me. I didn't ask if she was ending our friendship or anything of that nature. I am going to wait. If she doesn't respond to this email, I will take the hint and just stop trying. I miss her, but friendship has to go two ways.

bargoo
09-26-2011, 12:48 PM
Dezzie and Dee, Have either of you considered the person at fault might be the new husband / boyfriend. They might feel anxious about previous close relationships in your friends lives. They want to be number one with no contact with old friends.

EagleRiverDee
09-26-2011, 01:25 PM
Dezzie and Dee, Have either of you considered the person at fault might be the new husband / boyfriend. They might feel anxious about previous close relationships in your friends lives. They want to be number one with no contact with old friends.

I have wondered if the new boyfriend is discouraging my friend from contacting me. I would hope my friend would see through that, if that's what it is. I know her new boyfriend is very dominant, so it's possible.

Missy Krissy
09-26-2011, 02:13 PM
I'm so sorry to hear about your friend Eagle. Sometimes people can be cruel without realizing how their actions (or in this case, in-actions) are hurting the people that love them the most. It sounds especially upsetting considering her new dominant boyfriend.

Unfortunately the best thing you can do may be to stop contacting her and let her have some space. After she gets used to the changes in her life, she may realize that there's still something missing (your friendship) and try to work it out. Sometimes absence really does make the heart grow fonder. If this isn't the case, then you're better off making new friends who appreciate all you have to offer. {{hugs}}

rainydays
09-26-2011, 02:30 PM
If she doesn't respond to this email, I will take the hint and just stop trying. I miss her, but friendship has to go two ways.

Absolutely. I'm sorry you're going through this! :hug:

DezziePS
09-26-2011, 06:04 PM
Bargoo-

Yes, I have thought that that might have something to do with it. I think it started before, and frankly, I think it is NOT a coincidence that once we stopped seeing so much of each other, we both ended up in more functional romantic relationships ( after my divorce I started dating my now-husband which is by FAR the most healthy and sustainable long term relationship I've ever had). Mostly just because I think we were so close we were not dependent on significant others for the things we should have been emotionally, and were instead dependent on each other. And we were kind of always together socially, and both of us are fairly socially domineering which I think intimidated a lot of people.

I think I will probably continue reaching out every few months. 10 years is just too long to throw away. I don't want there to be any drama, but if she tells me to back off, I will, but I think it makes me feel better to know that she knows I am keeping the lines of communication open, that I still love her, and that if her mind changes I am here. I know things will never be the same, nor do I have the time anymore to spend as much time as we used to, but shooting off a short text message just saying I'm thinking about her is little effort on my behalf. I don't know.

Skittlez
09-27-2011, 09:58 AM
Ouch, it's sad when a "friend" treats you like you don't even matter. I've been through something similiar, I was very good friends with someone that I kept in touch with from highschool. She was pretty much like a sister to me. We kept the friendship alive through college and a few years after. I guess I knew that the friendship was dying when she moved from the town we both lived in to one an hour or so away without even saying anything to me about it. I tried to keep in touch after that, and we'd talk once in awhile but it was never the same. When I met my now husband things got worse. After we got married she pretty much stopped responding to my messages. She stopped getting on facebook that much, so I sent her a message or two. I felt like crying when she never responded but managed to post on her wall a few weeks later. I'm not sure if she just lost interest or maybe resents that I'm happily married while the guy she's been with for close to 10 years isn't treating her well. The worse part is when you're the one being ignored or blown off it feels like you're the one not good enough :(

Sherri77
09-30-2011, 03:11 PM
I am sorry that this has happened to you. If I were you I would send her one final email or facebook IM and ask her if she is mad at you for some reason and if so, why? If she does not answer that, then just move on. I can understand your hurt over it but if she wants to be that way, it is her loss.