General chatter - Angsty anti-boys post. Nothing of substance to read here.




graw
09-19-2011, 11:04 PM
Im so sick of feeling these pathetic but inavoidable teenage feelings. I want to skip 10 years and be with him. 30 years old. 30 years old and with someone else. What am I even thinking?

There are just these times, in between the amazingness of having no responsibilities, but youthful skin and ambition, amongst other perks to being a teenager, when one just depises all around and within theirselves.

Those boys. First year. Secondary school. 13 years old. Youre fat!

Move on, I hear all, and even myself, say to me, it was 6 years ago, and being as un-self aware as you were, you definitely blew it out of proportion.

But those boys. Those boys. I switched schools for them. Cried for them. Hated myself, for them.

And where do we live now? Why, were neighbours. What a glorious escape university has shown itself to be, thus far.

Am I really weird? Are they normal? Is the way they treat people acceptable? Am I wrong?

I hate them. Each and every one of them.

Teasing and taunting, even now. And I feel my chest tighten. Throat thickens. Eyes sting. And I cry discreetly and quietly, embarrassed by my tears, caused by what is at this stage, nothing at all.

They dont even know why I hate them. How can people not remember?

I feel like Im 13 again. Weird. Fat. Ugly. Insecure. Quiet.

Its funny, because I was never a quiet child. I was never shy. I was a diligent student; ambitious, hardworking, friendly, sensible, fair, fun. I had a wide circle of friends until them.

I sit here, feeling those 1st year feelings again, which no one here who does not know me, can comfort me about. Im ashamed of it. Im ashamed of me. I really did think Id moved on. My weight will always be an issue. They didnt even mention it tonight. They only have to jeer. They only have to laugh. They only have to say my name. And Im back there again.

And it makes me think of him. He saw past that. He never even saw that. He loves me. But he, is 30.

I thought uni was going to be different. An escape. But Ireland never allows escapes. Only the mindless can live and be happy here. The mindless or the pretty. Theyd dare not jeer at someone pretty. But hey, its only me. Who cares?

**** this, I say.

**** feeling like this. ****ing 18. ****ing teenager. ****ing tears. ****ing pathetic.

Skip 10 years and skip this ****ing country.

skip my teenage angsty drivel.

When does it get better?

When will I be good enough?


JohnP
09-20-2011, 01:02 AM
Wow you're a good writer. That was good stuff.

By the way - believe it or not - those boys are just as insecure as you are.

My friend has a blog you might want to read. I think it's awesome. Except for the lack of any kind of index, that is.

http://healingjourneyblog.com/?p=297

Esofia
09-20-2011, 04:23 AM
Counselling? You're sounding pretty miserable, and despite the popularity amongst teenagers of blogs with this sort of writing, getting wrapped up in this sort of thinking really isn't a good idea.


graw
09-20-2011, 12:14 PM
Didn't write it for popularity. Just venting.

Beach Patrol
09-20-2011, 01:07 PM
While I understand the need for venting, I really don't see how this is, in any way, supportive - not of yourself, not of anyone here who struggles with weight loss.

But happy for you that you got your vent on. I guess. :?:

butterflymama
09-20-2011, 01:17 PM
I think it was well written and creative and I believe that it is important to vent, write, express all feelings and emotions including angst.

You really captured a lot of what I felt at your age. Keep writing, keep expressing your feelings.

Oh and yes I agree that those boys are just as insecure.

EagleRiverDee
09-20-2011, 01:48 PM
Good post.

For years I was hung up on how teased I was during grade, middle and high school. I remember when one of the "popular girls" in high school said hi to me at the grocery store and I was stunned. And then it occurred to me- we've all grown up. She's not being mean to me any more. I need to move on.

I think the best part of becoming an adult was when I got over all the teenage angst. Granted, I was in my 30's before I was comfortable in my own skin. But it's one of the best parts of growing up. :)

kyalpn
09-20-2011, 02:07 PM
Very good writing style. It drew me in and held my attention even though I'm not really that good at poetry.

I agree, boys make us crazy, but in general, if someone is picking on you, it is to keep "you" from picking on them.

Don't wish away your youth, though it is easy to do that. You just let those boys do what they do and keep doing what you do. The best "revenge" (for lack of a better word), is living a full life that tells them (and yourself too ;)) you are rising above. :hug:

midwife
09-20-2011, 02:42 PM
You are a terrific writer.

If you can, find a way to offer some forgiveness to those who hurt you, even if they don't deserve your forgiveness.

You have a lot of worth, a lot of substance, a lot of important things to say. Know it really does get better!!!!

luckyme0510
09-20-2011, 03:35 PM
It was an amazing post. And you should be able to vent here without criticism, I don't see anything improper about your post, so please excuse those who didn't seem to understand it and don't let it deter you from posting here in the future;). People who don't normally express themselves with their words don't understand that the ability to express such melancholy in writing is a gift, as well as personal relief. Thank you for sharing!

islandchick1
09-20-2011, 03:48 PM
You have a talent for writing indeed. I think many of us here can relate to your angst and anger for the insecurities of "those boys". Perhaps your writing skills could be the financial means for your escape, as it were from them and the environment you are in. We have all encountered 'those boys" and some of "those girls" as well.

I think your venting post was well written. And further, it's not the first, nor will it be the last, time that someone has vented on 3FC. Isn't it marvelous that we have a place to truly express ourselves?

Best wishes to you dear on your journey :)

graw
09-20-2011, 05:24 PM
don't let it deter you from posting here in the future;). People who don't normally express themselves with their words don't understand that the ability to express such melancholy in writing is a gift, as well as personal relief. Thank you for sharing!

Thank you for that. It threw me off-kilter and I just needed to put it somewhere. I'm not trying to drag anyone down. It is as you say, personal relief. Thank you.

luckyme0510
09-20-2011, 07:55 PM
No problem ;)

Beach Patrol
09-21-2011, 07:24 AM
*thanks to the mod who moved this...
it does belong in "general chatter"

And to the OP, I wasn't trying to detour your venting. Venting is a good thing - and writing it out all it is a great self-therapy (I do it myself). I just didn't think it was under the right topic (weight loss support).

Munchy
09-21-2011, 11:05 AM
Living well is the best revenge.

I cosign this.

serendipity907
09-21-2011, 01:35 PM
The advice so far is great.
It sounds to me as though you could benefit from some proper closure as well.
I had a similar experience only it wasn't really with kids at school and this really helped me.
Maybe you should tell either a friend about what happened and have a vent or, if you feel you could, call these guys out on it/ask them why they said it etc. It might seem daft bringing up the past to some people but if it'll help you to move forward, sometimes you need to.