100 lb. Club - My son just told me I'm the fattest girl he's ever seen




Lambiechop
09-18-2011, 05:42 PM
I've been doing so well since I recommitted myself to losing weight 2 weeks ago. Since then I've been consistently on plan and I've lost 9 lbs in the last two weeks. I know that I'm fat but I'm trying to change that. He broke my heart. Part of me knows I should punish him for being so hurtful, but part of me thinks why should I bother when he's right, I am fat, maybe not the fattest person he's ever seen, but still fat.


Lyn2007
09-18-2011, 05:50 PM
I think a lot depends on how old your son is. If he is a little kid, like 3 or 4, I wouldn't punish it. I would explain how it made you feel though. Good time for a lesson in being kind. If he is like, 7 or older he probably deserves a consequence because I think at that age they KNOW when they are being hurtful. Whether it is true or not is no reason to be cruel.

Hugs...

xty
09-18-2011, 05:54 PM
*hugs*

Dont let this get you down. Let this motivate you to continue your commitment to not only weight loss, but living a healthy life with your son (and his kids!). You can do this. Maybe try to get in a short workout today? Endorphins will uplift you and it will reinforce your path to getting healthy.

Definitely a teaching moment for your son, regardless of age. But agree with Lyn that if he is at the age where he didnt intend to be hurtful, but was making an "observation", punishment isnt correct.


Aishah
09-18-2011, 05:54 PM
How old is your son? I don't think he was purposely trying to cause your hurt. Young children are brutally honest, they will say whatever is on their mind and very young children usually don't consciously understand the context of how certain words and phrases can cause emotional harm. He's also probably just using what he sees in his environment as a reference point. Does he attend day care/school? If he's around 1-2 adults as teachers and mostly children for the day, it can contribute to what he sees.

Of COURSE you are not the biggest person he's seen in his life, he's probably pulling from what he sees typically in his day-to-day setting and the people he is around the most.

Your son loves you, very much and I know he has to be proud of you for losing weight! A BIG congrats on losing 9 pounds already! Look how fantastic you are doing.

Lambiechop
09-18-2011, 05:59 PM
He's 6.5. I asked him why he said it and he told me it was because I wouldn't let him play PS3. So it was him being spiteful because he didn't get what he wanted.

Saracandoit
09-18-2011, 06:03 PM
He's just being spiteful, I'd punish him. But chances are he's not going to remember it later on when he gets older. Don't let it get to you! You're doing a fantastic job, 9 pounds in two weeks!? That's great! Keep up the good work and before you know it you'll be reaching your goal in no time.

Aishah
09-18-2011, 06:10 PM
In that case, he is still young but I would definitely sit down and have a calm conversation with him. How did you respond when he told this comment? I would have a discussion on how words can indeed hurt people. I would even pull a few picture books for children in his age range for reading time for the week. He still might not understand how deep words can go, but it does sound like he was lashing out.

A couple book suggestions just in case:

When Sophie Gets Angry Really, Really, Angry
When I Feel Angry

rainydays
09-18-2011, 06:14 PM
He's 6.5. I asked him why he said it and he told me it was because I wouldn't let him play PS3. So it was him being spiteful because he didn't get what he wanted.

First of all, :hug: Second of all, he is old enough to know better. My oldest (twins) are five and a half, and they know better. I would tell him that we don't talk about people's weight, explain to him that it is mean and hurtful, and I would tell him that until he's ready to be polite and respectful to his mother, he won't be playing the video game. I'm not a fan of kids playing video games anyway, but NO WAY would I let my son play if he disrespected me like that. If he's talking to you that way, how is he talking to others? You're doing a good job losing weight, so use his comments as more motivation, and assert yourself to your son. Don't let this derail you, you deserve to be healthy, and your son needs you. :hug:

Slimjem
09-18-2011, 07:17 PM
Great job on your hard work. Kids don't have filters sometimes so a reminder is necessary in reponse to your son's comment. I've had to remind my two that they never describe people by their size or their skin color. Know that he loves you and keep up the good work. :)

Trazey34
09-18-2011, 08:06 PM
*hugs* no matter what age, that's a teachable moment. You'd crawl under a rock if he said that someone ELSE so how else can kids learn what's OK and what's hurtful and unkind unless we teach them :(

linJber
09-18-2011, 08:48 PM
He's old enough to realize that he said what he said just to get back at you for not allowing him to do something he wanted to do. He said a mean and hurtful thing ON PURPOSE. The punishment should fit the crime - some time out from PS3. A heart to heart about how and WHY mean and hurtful things are not allowed in your home. Maybe even a written apology to you to show he understands.

My reaction would be different if he hadn't admitted to saying it for spite. No one deserved to be treated with spitefulness. I know he's pretty young. My DD went through a phase where she said "I hate you" when she was angry. We had a very serious talk about how much that hurt me, daddy, grammy, her best buddy across the street. I told her she could do other things when she was mad. She could stomp her feet or punch the couch cushions. But she could not be mean and hurtful. Maybe a similar conversation would help your son realize we have other ways to vent anger and frustration. Helping them cope with feelings is so important.

Keep your chin up - you're doing a great job. Nine pounds in 2 weeks is fantastic. Get the little guy on board and I'll bet he becomes your biggest supporter. Or your worst nightmare when he reminds you that you shouldn't eat something - usually in a public place!

Lin

April Snow
09-18-2011, 09:14 PM
He's old enough to realize that he said what he said just to get back at you for not allowing him to do something he wanted to do. He said a mean and hurtful thing ON PURPOSE. The punishment should fit the crime - some time out from PS3. A heart to heart about how and WHY mean and hurtful things are not allowed in your home. Maybe even a written apology to you to show he understands.

My reaction would be different if he hadn't admitted to saying it for spite. No one deserved to be treated with spitefulness. I know he's pretty young. My DD went through a phase where she said "I hate you" when she was angry. We had a very serious talk about how much that hurt me, daddy, grammy, her best buddy across the street. I told her she could do other things when she was mad. She could stomp her feet or punch the couch cushions. But she could not be mean and hurtful. Maybe a similar conversation would help your son realize we have other ways to vent anger and frustration. Helping them cope with feelings is so important.

Keep your chin up - you're doing a great job. Nine pounds in 2 weeks is fantastic. Get the little guy on board and I'll bet he becomes your biggest supporter. Or your worst nightmare when he reminds you that you shouldn't eat something - usually in a public place!

Lin

As I so often do, I agree completely with Lin. My son is 7 and sometimes says things about my weight that I know are just from the lack of a filter and he has no intent to hurt me. But he also knows that trying to get smaller is something that is very important to me, and if he were so inclined, he could say something mean and spiteful to me. And like most kids, there are times where he is mad at me and does say or do something deliberately to get back at me.

I think it is especially hard when it's about weight, because there is so much societal pressure surrounding weight. So I suspect that he may not have intended the DEGREE to which this hurt you. But I do think it was still intentional and deserving of a punishment to remind him how important it is to not say hurtful things on purpose. (and yes, it sounds like the PS3 time is the most valuable currency you have so that probably is the most logical choice for punishment).

I also agree that you should try to get him on board as your cheering section - my son does that and it really is very motivating for me because being healthy and being HERE for him is my prime motivation. I wonder if your son feels any jealousy about time and energy that you put in your weight loss? If that plays any role here, getting him on board as your partner should go a long way to helping that.

Congrats on what you have accomplished and don't let this bump in the road derail you!

cherrypie
09-18-2011, 10:27 PM
He's old enough to realize that he said what he said just to get back at you for not allowing him to do something he wanted to do. He said a mean and hurtful thing ON PURPOSE. The punishment should fit the crime - some time out from PS3. A heart to heart about how and WHY mean and hurtful things are not allowed in your home. Maybe even a written apology to you to show he understands.

My reaction would be different if he hadn't admitted to saying it for spite. No one deserved to be treated with spitefulness. I know he's pretty young. My DD went through a phase where she said "I hate you" when she was angry. We had a very serious talk about how much that hurt me, daddy, grammy, her best buddy across the street. I told her she could do other things when she was mad. She could stomp her feet or punch the couch cushions. But she could not be mean and hurtful. Maybe a similar conversation would help your son realize we have other ways to vent anger and frustration. Helping them cope with feelings is so important.

Keep your chin up - you're doing a great job. Nine pounds in 2 weeks is fantastic. Get the little guy on board and I'll bet he becomes your biggest supporter. Or your worst nightmare when he reminds you that you shouldn't eat something - usually in a public place!

Lin
I agree., It's just a variation on the I hate you thing and reacting to it will make it worse not better.

Jen Jen
09-18-2011, 10:38 PM
Hugs! I know that hurts bad... my kids have said it before too. It was used as a teachable moment (they were all very little when they said it) and a life lesson about how we treat one another. But still, it hurt me so badly.

Great job on your hard work so far! Do NOT let this get you down! Keep on going, you're doing great!

JoJoJo2
09-18-2011, 10:52 PM
Congratulations on your weight loss. Keep on doing what you have been doing, and don't let hurtful comments derail your progress.

As for what your son said - children don't automatically know that they should not say hurtful things. As others have mentioned, this is a teachable moment, have a heart-to-heart chat with the lad. One of your jobs as a parent is to raise your child to be a compassionate, helpful adult.

Life itself is a learning experience for us all. :wave:

astrophe
09-19-2011, 10:18 AM
He's 6.5. I asked him why he said it and he told me it was because I wouldn't let him play PS3. So it was him being spiteful because he didn't get what he wanted.

I'm not sure there. Punishing teaches him what? That calling you FAT gets to you? That gives him a power I'm not sure I'd want to give him over you and any others. People come in all shapes and colors. So? Get back to topic -- the screen time!

Over here the refrain is sometimes "Look, you get what you get, and you can't get upset" with my kid. She makes choices? Things happen as a result. SHE makes the choice.

She acts out because I enforce the limit on screen time? (Tv, computer, video etc)? Same limit all get? Well, she's not going to get her next screen time. She wants to keep at it, she keeps losing them. No emotion, no reaction. I just tally.

And if one is fat, one is fat. Why punish truth? Ok, maybe there's a more polite way to call it -- round? overweight? I'm not sure and when adults can't always figure it out, expecting a 6 yr old to? I'd give the kid a pass on that lesson if the one you want to focus on is the screen time.

But you are the teacher, you pick and choose the battles. If this is about screen time, keep it at screen time. If this is now about something else, then it is the other thing. My kid is 7, she can't deal with more than one lesson at a time.

I've had little kids call me fat. Whether they mean it in spite or are just goofy kids, I take it in stride.

"Yup! And I have black hair and wear glasses and I'm taller than you and have sneakers! How do you describe you?"

Takes the wind out of their sails and even if the kid is being spiteful at me, I want him to know it did not work, and he can't be using that on other girls or women later in life. Again... stick to topic.

I think in your case, it's screen time.

This weekend my kid wanted to jump in puddles from the rain. I told her "Look, save it for when we head home. That is my advice. Because we have lots of errands."

She didn't listen, stomped up the puddles in the grocery parking, and then when she was fussing about wet shoes and socks I calmly said, "Well, you made a choice. Now you have to live with it. You get what you get and you can't get upset. Wet socks and wet shoes. Because I am not turning around to go home, and we have other stops to make."

"But I don't like squishing shoes!"

"You aren't sugar. You won't die or melt from squishing shoes. You have to live with pruney toes, I suppose. So think of ways to handle it better next time."

I had a hard time not laughing when she sighed and goes "Aw, man! Puddles just TEMPT me. And now I have to live with squishing shoes. I should have listened to Mom and stomped at the end! Or brought extra shoes. Or put on my rain boots! Ugh! "

A.

linJber
09-19-2011, 10:13 PM
I'm not sure there. Punishing teaches him what? That calling you FAT gets to you? That gives him a power I'm not sure I'd want to give him over you and any others. People come in all shapes and colors. So? Get back to topic -- the screen time!

And if one is fat, one is fat. Why punish truth?
A.

I think you missed the point. The punishment is not because he made a true statement that happened to hurt someone's feelings. The punishment is because he made a mean and spiteful statement with the intent to hurt someone's feelings.

I think children should be taught correct personal behavior at every opportunity. This is one of them. Getting away with hurtful behavior teaches that it is acceptable. Reacting by imparting a reasonable punishment doesn't teach him that he "got to you" or give him any power. It teaches that there are consequences to inappropriate behavior.

You have a fantastic approach to living with the consequences of your actions. I LOVE how well your DD learned her lesson about puddles and squishy shoes without any real involvement from you. But living with the consequences of mean and hurtful behavior isn't the same - there is no physical consequence to being mean like there is to jumping in puddles. Unless one day you're mean and spiteful to the wrong person who decides to retaliate.

Lin

Curvaliscious
09-19-2011, 10:26 PM
So sorry. : ( I tell my kids to never say that word to anyone. Period. They can keep their little thoughts to themselves (and they're 6,8, 11). :) But sometimes I know they want to speak up. I just glare or re-direct. There's innocent honesty and then there's spitefulness. Purposely hurting someone with words deserves consequences.

ON another note...I have to also remind my kids that some families use that word often. They talk about people in unkind ways and just because they do, doesn't mean it's ok for them to.

When I first got married my MIL & SIL used to talk about fat people (and my husband is significantly overweight). Once my MIL said that the siblings were never allowed to call each other that, but I guess they can talk about other people? Anyway, they've toned it way, way down in the last several years, but I do notice my kids try the word out when the in-laws are around. Ugh.

My son's friends have made comments about me before. So hurtful and embarrassing for him, I'm sure. When he was young and his friend would say something, then my son would run up and shout it out for everyone else to hear. Haven't liked that kid ever since and it's been 6 yrs. :)

Hugs to you!

kyalpn
09-20-2011, 12:04 AM
I agree with Lin. The point isn't speaking the truth--though we want to encourage that. It is that he was trying to be mean, and he knew that was a way he could hurt his mother. I can' say what "punishment" should be given, but there should be a consequence for that, as you point out, astrophe. He made a choice to be mean, so now he has to accept there is a consequence for that.

I'm sorry that happened, Lamiechop, but you are doing great, and I know you will find out how to work through it with him. :)

linJber
09-20-2011, 12:09 AM
Lambiechop - I'm sure you've resolved your little bit of drama by now while we "child rearing experts" hold court in your thread. Children are such a wonderful gift. We owe it to them and to the world to help them be the best people they can be at every age. I'm sure your little darling is sorry he hurt your feelings and will be more careful with his words in the future. Keep up all the good work as you follow this rocky path to better health.

Lin

Lambiechop
09-20-2011, 12:25 AM
After explaining to him that he hurt my feelings and that it was an incredibly mean thing to say he's apologized profusely. He cried for most of the day yesterday after I told him how I felt. Last night we sat down and talked again about how we don't say that word (it's never been allowed in our house). I then doled out his punishment, no video games for the next 2 weekends (he's only allowed to play on weekends anyways).

linJber
09-20-2011, 12:38 AM
And you know what the best thing about being a parent is? When we see that our kids really have learned the lesson we set out to teach them, we can modify a punishment as we see fit because we're the parents! I used to love to reduce a consequence that had been handed out once I truly knew DD had learned her lesson. Now, at 28, she acknowledges what she saw as fairness on my part to sometimes grant an early pardon from whatever prison I had sent her to.

I'm glad to know there are still kids out there who have a heart. I hope you do something fun with him this weekend.

Lin

Arctic Mama
09-20-2011, 12:31 PM
Oh yes, at that age there would be serious consequences for intending to hurt someone with words. Something as trivial as a video game is NEVER to take precedence over the feelings of and treatment of another person, and that is a lesson to drive home hard. Even my four year old knows that saying hurtful things in anger is wicked and wrong, and that we should seek to show love and build up those around us, not tear them down. It's one thing if it is a filter issue (kids can describe the world in very blunt terms, out of a lack of better ways to describe what they see) but that does not appear to be the case here.

Don't let his immaturity get you down. Getting upset about the weight doesn't fix it, so use this as fuel to improve, not get dispirited. You can do it!

Arctic Mama
09-20-2011, 12:33 PM
After explaining to him that he hurt my feelings and that it was an incredibly mean thing to say he's apologized profusely. He cried for most of the day yesterday after I told him how I felt. Last night we sat down and talked again about how we don't say that word (it's never been allowed in our house). I then doled out his punishment, no video games for the next 2 weekends (he's only allowed to play on weekends anyways).

That was a good way to handle it. Buildiing empathy in little ones is so important!

rainydays
09-20-2011, 06:15 PM
After explaining to him that he hurt my feelings and that it was an incredibly mean thing to say he's apologized profusely. He cried for most of the day yesterday after I told him how I felt. Last night we sat down and talked again about how we don't say that word (it's never been allowed in our house). I then doled out his punishment, no video games for the next 2 weekends (he's only allowed to play on weekends anyways).

Great way to handle it!

Exception
09-20-2011, 10:19 PM
First off, Why does your son talk in that manner?

I dont think he was trying to be malicious.