I just need to vent/whine/cry and get it out. I didn't complain about my emergency c-section after 19 wonderful hours of zen-labor, anticipating my second v birth. I didn't complain or even react, really, when they said my "she" was now my "he" because I was just so incredibly thankful he was alive and healthy. I hardly complained at all when I was stuck in the hospital with pneumonia for a week just a couple days after we went home with the baby.
Okay but now I'm complaining. I want my body...back. It was not in great shape to begin with, but at least I didn't feel severed, literally, from some of my muscles. I tried to do sit-ups tonight, something that wasn't easy for me before, but tonight was literally impossible to do in any version of "correct" form. I tried so hard, but my body just wouldn't respond, it just literally would not do what I was trying to do! I don't know how to describe it other than like it was totally severed and I had no control.
I'm mad that I had a c-section. I'm pissed. I don't like the recovery. I don't like the potential decision I'll have to make for our next child of C or V birth, I don't like not being in control of all parts of my body. 6 weeks ago I couldn't physically lift my legs off the ground to do leg lifts. In 6 weeks, I will be able to churn out a good set of crunches.
But tonight I'm just going to be a little bit sad that I feel chopped in half and broken. Like my body is not my own.
/wah wah wah