I beg, hear me! I know I'm long winded but, I need help. I'm heartbroken and tortured... please
I've lost 80 pounds in approx 7 months. Obese my entire adult life, with a few short periods of weight loss. I'm 33yrs old by the way. Married almost 12years, 2 children- 8 & 4yrs old; Multitude of reasons for my obesity, in my openion. Depression, anxiety, low self worth, >200 lbs feeling like to much to conquor, etc. Several things have happened in the last few years... I turned 30, there's just something about it; Went to nursing school and now have a well paying job in a profession that highlights some of the best things about me; And, last but not least, finally asked for an antidepressant, researched and asked for Wellbutrin. This last one was difficult since my upbringing taught me that most things could be healed with a pure healthy, preferably vegatarian diet, meditation, deep breathing, positive afermations, peace-love-giving and some yoga wouldn't hurt. But, I digress, in this time of great change and awakenings, my sex life improved phenominally! My husband, who I have always adored,(my friend would say I light up when he comes in the room) has always been affectionate: hugs, kisses, sincere complements, but NOT hot and horny for me. Months have gone by without sex; I've laid awake in bed many nights aching for his touch. The reason for his lack of intrest, is still a mystery to me. My theories have wavered between he's just not attracted to me (we met when I was 18 and happened to have lost 30ish pounds then gained plus some), later I managed to believe that it wasnt entirely me and that there was just something wrong with him ie., low testoterone, drinks too much, psychological issues, pretty certain he's not gay- always loved my big boobs which I also thought were great since I attatched to them the idea that they made me sexually desirable in general; I have always desired it more and up until that particualar time felt rejected more often than not; Well, something happened (another unanswered question). I felt he saw me for me. Loved me, all of me, desired me. It wasnt crazy animal sex or anything (maybe a coupla times, but long over due I thought) just felt like what it was supposed to be like. I think i said out loud more than once and with a smile, "Why havent we been doing THAT more often, we're pretty good at it!" And, so for the most part it felt like a good time in our marriage. This January, with the team health challenge at work to spur me on, I started to lose weight. This time it felt like it was for me, not anyone else, since I finally felt like my husband loved me for me; And, to my amazement, I'v lost 80 lbs (started at 250). I was feeling awesome, powerful, attractive all this reinforced by the comments I would hear from people around me, this despite noticeing that my breast had begun to look like a deflated helium balloon that you find a month after the party. My belly's saggy too. It was always big- two large rolls with a belly button hiding inbetween with the lower one laping over. But I was now a regular size, not in the Plus department, with a figure too, more hour glass instead of potato. Ok, so now that I've set that all up (thank you for being patient) I notice we hadnt had sex for a while, like 2-3 weeks maybe, attempts initiated on my part met with: my belly's acting up, I'm tired (he works like 7days a week- has for a long time), drank too much, or he'd just fall asleep on the couch. A couple of weeks ago, after a mini vaca with our boys, we're in bed and I'm thinking surely we'll be together tonight... Instead, with great reluctance and coaxing, he says "You've had a lot of changes over a short period and you're just going to have to give me some time." With furhter inquiry, I find this means he's not attracted to me, mostly because of all the saggy hangy stuff. I am devastated... Initially relieved just to know what the **** was up, had know something wasnt right, just didn't know what. Absolutely did not expect that. Now everything feels like it's changed. I don't feel him watch me walk away or feel him grab my hip as he walks by and know he liked what he felt. I don't see him look at me the way he did when I got fixed up, which I did often, cause I lived for that look. He says he loves me, loves the person I am, the mother I am, and so on, seems sincere. Now when I'm alone or with him, which also feels like being alone, my thoughts go to feeling like I must truely be disgusting and unlovable. Then after hours of psychological torture, I reach out. I'm blessed with a small group of very good girlfriends and some very caring coworkers. I really don't want to be airing my dirty laundry but, I start to feel quite crazy and it helps to talk. I begin to feel like I'm right side up and he's just crazy. Then it starts all over again, with questions and self doubt. Self esteem shot, confidence tanked.. I really do want to love me. Help!, please
Thighs Be Gone
08-16-2011, 01:11 AM
Have you straight up asked him why he doesn't want to be intimate? Is he becoming insecure with your new profession and now weightloss?
I know it seems impossible, but some people have very low sex drives as they get older--or really at any time.
Don't get down on yourself. Keep swimming like **** girl! You will hit shore! This is all about YOU! I am sorry about not feeling loved by your husband but maybe you need to step in where he is leaving off.
08-16-2011, 01:37 AM
wow, i'm sorry to hear that :(
but obviously your husband still loves you and maybe it will take just a bit more time to adjust to the changes of your body... i think that you should definitely tell him though, how much it hurt you when he said that...
also, do you think that there's stuff that you could do about the sagginess? like maybe toning and stuff?
08-16-2011, 01:39 AM
thanks for responding.. makes a girl feel less alone. he's only 36 but yes I'v consider several physiological factors that may affect him. doesnt explain why we were hot a month ago and now like strangers
08-16-2011, 01:47 AM
honestly, i've been in a situation like that before (not married, but serious bf) and i just realized we were having less and less sex and one time i confronted him about it and he admitted that he "didn't desire me" anymore and i was just gutted. i hadn't even lost or gained a lot of weight or changed much or anything like that. in the end, it turned out to be cuz he was bipolar and had a tendency to just flipped 180's in his way of thinking for no reason at all. reason why he could never stay with anyone longer than a year or so... we broke up shortly after that :(
i'm not trying to make you feel bad or like that will happen to you, but just know that this is not your fault!! please don't blame yourself!
08-16-2011, 02:58 AM
I loved reading your dirty laundry. You have a way with words. By the way, you sound alot like me. I also just recently got my RN license, and I am 31. My so acts like your hubby around me. He says he loves my "squishiness". Well, I desire to not be so squishy. I worry about my boobs too. I just had another baby and I'm breastfeeding again.
Don't take this the wrong way, but maybe he feels left out. Guys are more susceptible to identity crises. Especially in the area of finances. I worry about my SO with this one. When they are the primary bread winner, they feel on top of the world, but when that identity is shaken, most of them feel weak and lost. I watched my own tough guy dad go through this when my mom started to go to nursing school. He changed and got cold and mean. So I would watch him. I saw him sitting on the couch muttering about how he busted his butt (He was a workaholic) and what did he have to show for it. You did alot of good things for you and you have a great paying job. Do you make more than him now? Where does he fit in all this transformation. Of course I am no expert, but I spent 8 years abstinate, reading LOTS of relationship material. Right now, show him you are still the woman he fell in love with. Some good ways to revv his motor are to cook his favorite meal, do something he really loves. Show him you appreciate all the time he has been by your side. Make him feel needed, and like the man of the house, ESPECIALLY if you make more money than him now. Don't worry about the sex thing. I agree with another poster, find ways to take care of your needs (get me?) Don't seem needy. Guys also do not have the drive we do at your age. Your sexuality is peaking, his is declining. Most of all, give him a pat on the rear as you pass by. And then just cuddle him if that is what he wants.
I read this great book "Five languages of Love". It basically said you have a love "tank" and he has a love "tank" and alot of the problems start when we forget how to fill one another's love tank. Alot of the times we do stuff for someone that would fill our own love tank. This leaves are significant other in the dark. Find out what he needs, and give it to him, then he will be more apt to give it to you.
08-16-2011, 04:42 AM
I suspect more is going on in his noggin.
After all you say a month ago you were doing great. Can you think of anything that happened in between? Something you used to do or say that you haven't done or said in a while?
Perhaps all of your changes are only hitting him now at once and it's overwhelming for him? He might just need a bit of time to reorganize mentally.
However, if it went on like this for another month I'd seriously be considering couples counseling to sort things out.
08-16-2011, 05:23 AM
Personally..have you ever considered that maybe for the first time in your life, you are coming across as truly happy with yourself and maybe just maybe he isnt truly happy with himself and maybe your new found self confidence has caused him to actually feel insecure about himself(not that he would say that)??? Or have you considered that because your more outgoing and confident and you have self-esteem that you do seem like a different person to him? I mean..when we gain confidence we learn to value ourselves more..we want to do more..things matter more than they used to.. I honestly think it has nothing to do with your sex life whatsoever. I think he truly does love you and desire you..but the you he knew is gone..You are a new you! Your like a crushed can that got recycled and then got turned into a new can..your still a can..but your not crushed, dont have dents and you look awesome..Your still desired and still loved..but when big changes come, so does uncertainty..have you ever considered that maybe he is asking himself is he is good enough for you? Maybe he doesnt feel like you could accept him as he is..because you have become this hot mama? this hot nurse...
Its true..give it time..for time heals all things..let him adjust..guys are bad for adjusting. Give him space and dont come across as needy..just get flirty and yet keep busy..and let him realize what he has missed..he will come back
08-16-2011, 07:33 AM
I highly recommend couples counseling.
08-16-2011, 08:44 AM
Again, Thank you Ladies! Talking about things seems to keep the doubt and worry at bay. I do try to stay confident, it's only like lesson 1 from "Do's and Don't with Your Man" (Not a real book, maybe just a Cosmo artical, hehe). It reads: Confidence is Sexy & Needy/Clingy is like a cold pool to member. I feel like I'm on a seesaw. There are days/moment were I look in the mirror and think "Ha, he'd be lucky if I xxxx" Thank you and I'll keep trying, can't let it derail me.
08-16-2011, 09:14 AM
First of all, congratulations on both your achievements! I am an RN and know how hard the nursing program is and what a tough profession it has become. Well done! And you have lost 80 pounds--super! I have lost about 36 or so and know how hard THAT was--you have lost way more, so good for you!
Now, on to your marital issues. You have written about a lot of factors that are making life complicated at your house, and they need a good discussion between you and your husband. If that doesn't go anywhere, then as others have suggested, marital counseling might be in order.
The most important thing is that you should not be derailed from your new-found identity as a professional woman at a healthy weight. Don't let the marital problems undermine what you have achieved. Hang onto and celebrate your new status every day when you look in the mirror. You say you have some good girlfriends and co-workers--enjoy with them all the good things they have to offer. They will help you to keep things in perspective until your marital issues get sorted out.
08-16-2011, 09:27 AM
The thing that sticks out to me is that your sex life wasn't hot to begin with, then it was hot for a little while when you fixed some of your issues, and now it isn't hot again. To me, this reads as: our sex life has never been hot except for a brief period in time.
(I'm not trying to be harsh at all. I just want to make sure I'm clear.)
If that's the case, then your newfound self esteem or weight loss probably is only a small factor in the lack of sizzle in the bedroom. I, too, suggest counseling. Regaining the weight or toning up to improve the flabby skin is likely to be a short-term solution at best.
08-16-2011, 09:53 AM
I would say give it time. And don't just assume the changes he meant were physical changes. Those are areas YOU are insecure about. Doesn't mean that's what he's talking about.
A lot has changed - for BOTH of you, and it might have finally hit him. Doesn't mean it's a bad thing, but it's a new thing. He didn't say, "I think we are over". He said, "I need time to adjust". Which means he WANTS to.
I've been married nearly 18 years and we have had peaks and valleys. We have had times when our sex life is great. To years where we had sex maybe 10 times for the entire year. My husband being the one who gets 'less interested' for whatever reason. I used to think it was because of my weight... but it was more than that. It was just easy for me to focus in on that as that seemed the obvious answer, but it wasn't that simple.
Just don't give up and read into it all as "we are through". Just both of you realize, you need to grow together and move on together and work it out together.
08-16-2011, 10:22 AM
:hug: I'm probably not the best person to give advice right now, but I would say talk about it. Really sit and listen to him, letting all of your personal issues and insecurities go. Just listen. Men tend to say what they mean. They aren't as complicated as we think they are. Let him know that you've noticed something is bothering him and that you want to talk and to let you know when he's ready.
My gut says that this isn't about your weight, but an issue that was present before it. Get this resolved now before the two of you pull further apart.
Regardless of what happens, DO NOT let this derail your efforts at being healthy. No man is worth your health and self-esteem.
08-16-2011, 10:39 AM
Another thought: new job, new body, friends, co-workers where does that lead me? Is she leaving me behind?
I agree it's probably not a physical thing with your husband and let me just say our sex lives change through out the years for so many reasons...weight hardly being the issue if it's a true relationship of loving people. Stress does a lot of damage on us physically and mentally. DH may feel the need of being needed.
Marriage isn't about sex. I'm Bipolar (:lol:) and I'm am hot and cold which confuses everyone, but love isn't about sex or giving up. It's determination and passion to get through our situations. These are hard times and although it's hard to hear or accept (for me everything is about me :p) but this might not be about you or your "sagginess".
Give him the time he needs, but at the same time let him know you aren't leaving him behind. My DH is a lot like you in our relationship, he tries to be intimate (not just sexually), but during my cold periods I won't make an effort. But I like knowing he's still there and hasn't left me. On the flip side as I'm busting my hump to lose these pounds I sing out each pound or inch to the family every morning. At first they hated it because they weren't doing it with me and they felt like I was leaving them behind. Now they ask because this is the way I include them in this journey.
It's little things. We are all afraid of being left behind or forgotten. Just like us men have their "likes" but he has known you in many ways. I think true love does not care about sagginess, but it does worry from time to time if it will last. Romance him, reassure him and give him time. You've been together for at least 9 years (assuming the 8 year old is his) that's a long time and it's definitely worth working for. Sex comes and goes, but love is not fleeting. It may take longer than a month or two (ask my DH) but it doesn't mean it won't happen again.
You've learned that taking medication is OK. Learn too that counseling doesn't mean you're failing. It means you're fighting. My DH used to think shrinks were a waste of money til the day he almost lost me. Don't lose what you love because of stubborness or hurt feelings. Be open and honest, not spiteful. Love him so that he can love you.
Good luck :)
08-16-2011, 10:40 AM
Has he had a physical checkup recently? Maybe there is some underlying physical condition that is causing his lack of interest. I would urge that he get his annual checkup . I might even have a private talk with his doctor.
It may not be you that is causing the problem .
08-16-2011, 10:49 AM
Now when I'm alone or with him, which also feels like being alone, my thoughts go to feeling like I must truely be disgusting and unlovable.
This statement jumped out at me. I think you've way over-reacted to this in saying you're "unlovable" by him. I think it's your emotions talking here.
I only have the information you've provided about him, but if the excess skin and such is his issue, is it possible to get on a lowfat diet and lower your bodyfat to lose this? Visual attraction for men is a lot like emotions - one can't control what comes naturally. I love my wife dearly, but I'm not so much physically attracted to her while she's 60 pounds overweight. I wish I could be and that it didn't matter to me, but it does and I can't change that. I don't think the comments about a bipolar condition or physical problems on his part are true (my wife intimated this to me after her huge weight gain as to why we weren't intimate nearly as often as we used to be, and I think she was in denial as to the true cause). I think he loves you, but that some aspect of your weight loss has turned him off physically.
I would get with him and ask him specifically what it is that's changed to cause him to stop being physically affectionate and what you can do to help. Don't get livid or crushed at his answers if you want honesty, or he may not be honest with you in the future if this comes up again. (I don't dare mention my wife's weight because I know ahead of time that she'll get furious and I'll get the silent treatment, so I keep my mouth shut). If it's in your power to change things, address it. If it's not, shame on him because he's punishing you for things out of your control.
08-16-2011, 08:09 PM
I have read your post, but very little of the replies to you, but just put in my thoughts. Last fall, I had a big argument with my teenaged DD, and suddenly, lost my sex drive. Like, its always been healthy and things have always been good betweed DH and me. (together over 25 years) Ups and downs, sometimes more than others, but seldom had no desire. I had NO desire. For months. From October to the end of February , when things got better with DD and then things slowly got better, and by May, was back to normal. During this time, we still had sex. At least once per week. I didn't have desire, except to please the man I love. I initiated sometimes too, because I really love him. I didn't want to make him feel unwanted or unloved. So thats how I handled a change in desire. I know man can't fake erections, but they can provide kissing, hugging, stroking and other loving and sexual things, even if they can't "perform".
08-16-2011, 10:07 PM
You are a completely different person now. You are no doubt more confident and your attitude has likely changed for the better. I know that relationship dynamics will change when you lose weight, whether friend or family. Your husband needs to adjust to these drastic changes too. Your life, and thus his life, is in a state of disequilibrium. That may not be so comfortable for him right now. I'd say, wait it out, and get him to talk about stuff as much as you can. I think going to a regular therapist is awesome, so I'd imagine couples counseling would also not hurt.
08-16-2011, 10:50 PM
He may be worried about his job or something which he is not able to tell you. Be patient and more loving and caring. one day he will tell you. Go out just 2 of you. See movie, some fun not involving sex.
08-17-2011, 11:17 AM
Is your husband a little over weight as well, if so that could be a factor maybe he feels like you are leaving him behind and you look wonderful while he is still over weight. I think that you should just talk to him because one of the biggest things to a good relationship is communication.
08-21-2011, 03:22 AM
I think he's cheating on me... We had talked and agreed that maybe we had grown apart with him working so much and all my changes and we needed to try to reconnect. Date Night Saturday implodes! He leaves me in another town and walks off, words cannot describe the pain. I'm not a suspecious person, not nieve either,just not spending all my time looking over my shoulder; So I look at cell phone bill and see a number he called immediately after he walked off from me. I call and a female answers, unwilling to explain how she knows him, just says to ask the source.. of course I try but he's not answering. I continue looking a bill and see this number on statement at least 3 months back. Why do I deserve this???
08-21-2011, 07:41 AM
No one "deserves" anything. Try not to think like that. Things happen, and people aren't looking to punish you--usually they are thinking of themselves, if they are thinking at all.
You'll have to ask your husband what's going on and find out from him. And then you'll need to think about what it his answer means for both of you.
08-21-2011, 09:12 AM
I think he's cheating on me...
I thought so too but didn't want to bring it up :hug:
I've been just where you are - so have some of my friends.
Believe me what he is doing and how he is acting has nothing to do with you or how you look or how you have changed. I promise.
For you the question now becomes what to do about the situation. Only you can decide if the marriage it worth continuing. You are still very young and deserve love, happiness and a faithful companion. Not everyone can endure a semi sexless marriage or unfaithfulness in a partner.
Good luck to you.