Weight Loss Support - A mother in law rant.




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berryblondeboys
08-15-2011, 04:58 PM
My mother in law was walking behind me while I was helping her shop for a suitcase. I could see she was checking me out.

Her comment, "Now that you have lost weight, you have lines behind your knees." Nice comment. Not, "You are looking so much smaller." or "You are looking great" But pointing out my stretch marks behind my knees which have been there for 20 years and always visible (as I never gave up wearing shorts).

In informed her a bit later that stretch marks are not from losing weight by gaining weight, but she said she never noticed them before - sooooo nice she is!

I'm trying to find a way to mention to her that I now wear the same size pant she does as I'm SURE she think she's still smaller. She weighs 20 some pounds less, but our behinds are the same size. And I cannot WAIT until I'm a size smaller than she. She has been after me about my weight since I married her son.

What is wrong with this woman???


astrophe
08-15-2011, 05:02 PM
In informed her a bit later that stretch marks are not from losing weight by gaining weight, but she said she never noticed them before - sooooo nice she is!

"Don't feed the trolls" is all I can say.

Whatever is wrong with her, don't engage and feed her drama. Some people just can't be happy in themselves or for others.

A.

gma22
08-15-2011, 05:12 PM
I am a mil to a dil and a sil. I treat both my in law children like they are my own children and I doubt they would say anything bad about me because I had a terror of a mil and decided I would not be that person. First off, if you want to get in her face about it, don't feel badly if you do. You have a perfect right to confront people that say things that hurt your feelings or make you feel bad. I would however, do it in just that way. Tell her that her comment hurt your feelings that it sounded like a judgement against you instead of going on and on about losing weight and such. She will frankly close her ears to that because people who say the things she did don't see anything wrong with it until they are told they are out of line so to speak and a lot of times, even then see nothing wrong with what they did. Secondly, if you decide to just not say anything, don't feel badly about that either. Just take it for what it is worth, that this woman no matter what says stuff to you so SHE can feel superior. Bad or irritating mothers-in-law do so because of several reasons, their sons didn't ask their permission to marry who they did or discuss it with her and get her approval, they see the dil as a competitior for the son's affection or attention, they feel inferior and to make themselves feel superior say hurtful things to the dil. Unfortunately, there seems to be a lot of those kinds of mil's around and less of the "I am not going to be a budinsky" mil. I don't always agree with my dil, how she raises my grandson, etc, but I love her for who she is, never interfere in her and my son's lives, mind my own business and make sure she is included in all decisions with regards to anything I do for my grandson. Of course, my son can be a horses patoot and though I love him, I have eyes and don't see through rose colored glasses either, so.....:lol: Good luck with whatever decision you make and know that no matter what you can be proud of your accomplishment!!!


SweetTreat80
08-15-2011, 05:13 PM
I agree with astrophe entirely. Oftentimes the snide remarks people make to others are just a reflection of their own insecurities or they just like to start drama, either way I wouldn't give it another thought. Easier said then done I'm sure but it's obvious that she made you mad/upset/hurt with the comment she made and rather than throwing anything back at her verbally instead take that energy and refocus it on yourself and put it towards exercising and eating healthy.

You know you've done good and will continue to so don't let a silly remark from your MIL get you down. :)

berryblondeboys
08-15-2011, 05:17 PM
I am a mil to a dil and a sil. I treat both my in law children like they are my own children and I doubt they would say anything bad about me because I had a terror of a mil and decided I would not be that person. First off, if you want to get in her face about it, don't feel badly if you do. You have a perfect right to confront people that say things that hurt your feelings or make you feel bad. I would however, do it in just that way. Tell her that her comment hurt your feelings that it sounded like a judgement against you instead of going on and on about losing weight and such. She will frankly close her ears to that because people who say the things she did don't see anything wrong with it until they are told they are out of line so to speak and a lot of times, even then see nothing wrong with what they did. Secondly, if you decide to just not say anything, don't feel badly about that either. Just take it for what it is worth, that this woman no matter what says stuff to you so SHE can feel superior. Bad or irritating mothers-in-law do so because of several reasons, their sons didn't ask their permission to marry who they did or discuss it with her and get her approval, they see the dil as a competitior for the son's affection or attention, they feel inferior and to make themselves feel superior say hurtful things to the dil. Unfortunately, there seems to be a lot of those kinds of mil's around and less of the "I am not going to be a budinsky" mil. I don't always agree with my dil, how she raises my grandson, etc, but I love her for who she is, never interfere in her and my son's lives, mind my own business and make sure she is included in all decisions with regards to anything I do for my grandson. Of course, my son can be a horses patoot and though I love him, I have eyes and don't see through rose colored glasses either, so.....:lol: Good luck with whatever decision you make and know that no matter what you can be proud of your accomplishment!!!

Can I have you for a mother in law, please?

fitmom
08-15-2011, 05:19 PM
I feel your pain, lol. My mother in law is considerably bigger than me. For some reason, she has been on my case about my weight since I met her son 20 years ago. For the record, every woman in my hubby's family is a bit bigger than me but honestly, how is that my problem?!? I've come to the conclusion long ago that her insecurity about my weight is simply...her problem. On another note, I've not spoken to her in almost four years when she called me and my deceased mother (on the day she died no less) "trash". 'Nuff said. Thankfully, my DH is not close to her at all and thinks she treats me with supreme disrespect. I just feel for you, that's all.

berryblondeboys
08-15-2011, 05:23 PM
!

"Don't feed the trolls" is all I can say.

Whatever is wrong with her, don't engage and feed her drama. Some people just can't be happy in themselves or for others.

A.

You know, I don't and I can let things roll off my back most of the time. But after spending the entire freaking day with here to buy a replacement suitcase and after 18 years of negative comments about my weight (and everything else), it can be hard to take. Add to that, she lives with us. I can't evere escape from it.

Her recent comments are that she is afraid I will look too old if I keep dropping weight because my skin will look bad. She now made a comment about my 20 year old stretch marks.

Some days it's just really hard to let it roll off my back.

And I would never be spiteful (not my way), but I really do want to be smaller than her. Maybe for an internal gloat?

Sheridan
08-15-2011, 05:28 PM
Hi,
I am a Mother-in-law but one who comments only on the positive.I feel for you but may I suggest you just smile and change the subject because she is trying to engage you in drama.This is a loose- loose situation if you take the bait.

Now your revenge can come when you are a smaller size and offer to take her to lunch with some side shopping. Then you can pick out your size which will be obviously smaller than hers. Without you ever saying a word your point will have been made.

Alternatively, when she makes a snide remark you can smile and say something positive about her. Like oh yes those darn behind the knee marks-you are so lucky not to be bothered with them or some such. This will take the bullets out of her gun. It will be very difficult for her to continue in the negative about you.

If she does continue, again try to change the subject to something like Oh lets talk about what is going on in your life? So often people who are difficult are really just lonely but have poor interpersonal skills. Use distraction-if their are grandchildren use them as every MIL loves to talk about the grandchildren.

The upside is that your husband will love you all the more for making an effort at getting along with her.He will especially be grateful for not being put in the position of taking sides. Secretly he no doubt knows she is difficult but just wants peace.

If all else fails, see her for brief periods, taking small gifts for her and just know this too will pass.

Best of luck.

Sheridan

Lori Bell
08-15-2011, 05:29 PM
Oh honey, I feel for you! My MIL can drive me nuts too. Saturday we all went to Red Lobster to eat. (This was after we drove 80 miles yet again, mowed for them, pulled weeds, cleaned their house, delivered our garden produce to their neighbors, trimmed MIL's nails, gave FIL a haircut...etc.) Anyway, as the family sat and feasted on apps and cheese biscuits I patiently waited for my meal. I ordered the maple chicken breast, (Can't stand fishy stuff) with a double side of broc, (instead of the rice and potato choices) and a garden salad no croutons and the lite red-wine vinaigrette salad dressing. The meal was around 800 calories and I had saved breakfast calories. At this point I had eaten around 200 calorie for the day because I knew we would be eating out.

Needless to say, I was hungry. She looked at me and said some snarly comment about how quickly I was eating and she couldn't believe how I manage to keep my weight down when I eat SO FAST. Of course I did what you did and started defending myself, but I should have told her I was starving to death from kissing her butt all day...lol :)

Sheridan
08-15-2011, 05:36 PM
I guess I was writing and missed the "she lives with us ".Now that is not a good situation and no wonder you are having a hard time. This is a situation that needs changing in my opinion.

I live with a grandmother who disliked my Mother and I have never forgiven her. Couples need to alone.

I hope you can arrange a move for her.
Sheridan

astrophe
08-15-2011, 05:45 PM
:hug:

I didn't realize she lived with you. That makes it all the harder to ignore bad behaviour.

Can you treat it like the weather channel? "That is rude" for when she is rude and "That was nice" when she is nice? Identify, but not engage further.

Like you identify for a baby "That is a DOG" or "That is a TREE" -- Just ID the thing. But you don't go explaining or justifying why a dog is a dog or why a tree is a tree to the kid. They just ARE.

I don't know if it helps but with my Alzheimer dad you have to ignore the words themselves because they are usually garbage. You have to try to get a sense of the feelings behind the words.

If she's projecting all this body image stuff on you likely she's fretting about herself. Or seeing that you are getting older means she's that much older still or "closer to death." I know dad wigs out at anything that reflects on HIS age... my bdays just drive him around the bend. I think he gets morbid about the death and dying thing -- needlessly so.

Hang in there!
A.

PreciousMissy
08-15-2011, 06:24 PM
I should have told her I was starving to death from kissing her butt all day...lol :)


HAHAHAHAHAHAHA!!!!!!

Funniest thing I have read or heard all day! Thanks!

Personally, I like the "that is rude" or "that is nice" suggestion. If you call her out on it, in a polite way, then you will be bringing it to her attention. She can either chose to discuss it further, or simply take in the point that you just made.

shishkeberry
08-15-2011, 06:34 PM
Just a short comment about "taking sides". Your husband can't pick a side because he already did. He chose yours when he married you. No such thing as taking sides with someone that's not a part of your marriage.

celrae
08-15-2011, 06:57 PM
Must hard since she lives with you. My troll lives next door to me and is always quick with a negative comment, like "some people won't look good skinny". It is no fun having to wonder what and when she will attack next.

Sheridan
08-15-2011, 07:18 PM
Hi,
I agree about the taking sides in theory but in a practical manner his Mother is his Mother and he can be put in the position of taking sides. Certain cultures do promote this and I think it can and will be possible depending on the individual situation. I would not just discount it just because he chose his wife.

The fact that the MIL is living in the house tells volumes in my opinion. I bet if he were asked,he might say it is a bad position to be between your wife and Mother. Mothers have a huge influence and to discount it could be a mistake.

Sheridan

berryblondeboys
08-15-2011, 07:42 PM
Hi,
I agree about the taking sides in theory but in a practical manner his Mother is his Mother and he can be put in the position of taking sides. Certain cultures do promote this and I think it can and will be possible depending on the individual situation. I would not just discount it just because he chose his wife.

The fact that the MIL is living in the house tells volumes in my opinion. I bet if he were asked,he might say it is a bad position to be between your wife and Mother. Mothers have a huge influence and to discount it could be a mistake.

Sheridan

My husband is an only child. He is from Europe. She moved from Europe to be near her son and her grandkids. They simply don't do old folk homes and living in 3 generation homes is the norm. Believe me, he sides with me when things need to be sided with, but usually he tells us both to fight our own battles and not to involve him.

berryblondeboys
08-15-2011, 07:46 PM
Hi,
I am a Mother-in-law but one who comments only on the positive.I feel for you but may I suggest you just smile and change the subject because she is trying to engage you in drama.This is a loose- loose situation if you take the bait.

Now your revenge can come when you are a smaller size and offer to take her to lunch with some side shopping. Then you can pick out your size which will be obviously smaller than hers. Without you ever saying a word your point will have been made.

Alternatively, when she makes a snide remark you can smile and say something positive about her. Like oh yes those darn behind the knee marks-you are so lucky not to be bothered with them or some such. This will take the bullets out of her gun. It will be very difficult for her to continue in the negative about you.

If she does continue, again try to change the subject to something like Oh lets talk about what is going on in your life? So often people who are difficult are really just lonely but have poor interpersonal skills. Use distraction-if their are grandchildren use them as every MIL loves to talk about the grandchildren.

The upside is that your husband will love you all the more for making an effort at getting along with her.He will especially be grateful for not being put in the position of taking sides. Secretly he no doubt knows she is difficult but just wants peace.

If all else fails, see her for brief periods, taking small gifts for her and just know this too will pass.

Best of luck.

Sheridan

I need to learn to respond like that. Honestly, I think she simply doesn't think before she speaks. My biggest problem is that she always catches me off guard. I didn't "react" and later politely mentioned that the lines have been the for 20 years and probably just show more because my legs got a bit of tan this year (and scars don't tan).

mamakat
08-15-2011, 07:50 PM
I think my question would have been "why are you looking at the back of my knees?" MIL are weird, a woman is never good enough for her son. I learned that by watching my mother treat all my brother's girlfriends like trash, granted they were, but that's not a mother's place. Yes, you want the best for your son, but he's a man now and he has to make man decisions even if it kills you.

Your MIL is a doctor, a woman and a mother, she knows exactly how her question affected you. No matter your retaliation or lack there of these things will always be between you. My MIL once told me she had no idea why I called her mom as she never asked me to. It killed me a little bit, but with determination and holding of the tongue (I'm better than you kind of thing :)) I melted her heart and became her favorite DIL. Not that I ever forgot. You don't, you won't but you are a lovely person, a loving wife and loving wonderful and patient mother, her words all though hard to hear don't make you who you are.

Those marks like the ones you have on your belly from childbirth, be proud of them, you've earned them. Not by gaining the weight, but by being the woman you are. Berry, you inspire me, you are tough and so determined and you have a lot going on with your two boys (not to mention a MIL), you are beautiful don't let comments like hers change who you are. Revenge is like hatred, it will eat you up, not her. Don't let her control you. You have done so much in your life, her words were but for a second. A second will be lost in your lifetime.

You really want to freak her out. Give her a hug tonight after dinner and say thank you. If she asks why leave her guessing. She gave birth to her son, whom you are married to and have two beautiful boys with. And they love you. Marks and all, you are his wife and their mother and on top of that you are a woman beautiful in so many ways.

I wish all the best :)

berryblondeboys
08-15-2011, 08:50 PM
I think my question would have been "why are you looking at the back of my knees?" MIL are weird, a woman is never good enough for her son. I learned that by watching my mother treat all my brother's girlfriends like trash, granted they were, but that's not a mother's place. Yes, you want the best for your son, but he's a man now and he has to make man decisions even if it kills you.

Your MIL is a doctor, a woman and a mother, she knows exactly how her question affected you. No matter your retaliation or lack there of these things will always be between you. My MIL once told me she had no idea why I called her mom as she never asked me to. It killed me a little bit, but with determination and holding of the tongue (I'm better than you kind of thing :)) I melted her heart and became her favorite DIL. Not that I ever forgot. You don't, you won't but you are a lovely person, a loving wife and loving wonderful and patient mother, her words all though hard to hear don't make you who you are.

Those marks like the ones you have on your belly from childbirth, be proud of them, you've earned them. Not by gaining the weight, but by being the woman you are. Berry, you inspire me, you are tough and so determined and you have a lot going on with your two boys (not to mention a MIL), you are beautiful don't let comments like hers change who you are. Revenge is like hatred, it will eat you up, not her. Don't let her control you. You have done so much in your life, her words were but for a second. A second will be lost in your lifetime.

You really want to freak her out. Give her a hug tonight after dinner and say thank you. If she asks why leave her guessing. She gave birth to her son, whom you are married to and have two beautiful boys with. And they love you. Marks and all, you are his wife and their mother and on top of that you are a woman beautiful in so many ways.

I wish all the best :)

Wow, Mamakat. That was wonderful. Inspiring, ego stroking for me, and something for me to think about. It is true... as much as she rubs me the wrong way 99 percent of the time. Without her, there is no Sven. Whom I love to pieces - warts and all (Ok, no physical warts, but you get it).

And ironically, I just read this article today and thought of sharing it, but didn't: http://communities.washingtontimes.com/neighborhood/so-heres-thing/2011/aug/12/im-not-embarassed-about-my-stretch-marks/#.TkkK9kPFKjP.facebook

My husband didn't even know I had stretch marks behind my knees. I got them before he met me! So, I was under 23.

Anyway... thank you. Sometimes ranting is a good thing. This is helped me a lot with how to deal with her in the future in a more positive way. I was beginnign to feel so much angst that I didn't even realize how much was building up, but I don't have to keep it that way. I can turn it to something positive.

envelope
08-15-2011, 08:52 PM
(((hugs))) It is wrotten having to deal with people when they are being nasty.
I am sharing this story, to hopefully make you feel a little better, that atleast she is not mean as this MIL. My Brother's MIL is very nice. She took care of her own MIL with her husband for years, taking her to the store, Drs., visit friends, etc. and her MIL never liked her and made no bones about telling everyone that she did not like her. The final straw for my SIL and my brother came on the day of my SIL's father's viewing. Her father was very well respected in the community and had a lot of visitors at the funeral home. The nasty MIL walked around telling people in attandace that her DIL did nothing to help her son while he died, that she sat and smoked a cigarette and read a magazine ignoring him while the paramedics came. She was so horrible, and the MIL was blatantly lying. My brother was so appauled, he made her leave the viewing early and did not go get her to go to the funeral.

InsideMe
08-15-2011, 09:08 PM
I have learned there are people in this world that only operate from their egos. In her crazy head she's probably thinking "How dare she lose all that weight and compete with me!" People like that are narcissistic and can't be truely happy for others and their accomplishments. I bet everything her son does she takes it as a reflection of herself (like her parenting skills etc) Don't feed her, simply take it that she's jealous and she see's you getting "one up" on her. Keep going girl. You will be super smaller than her and be proud of where you are now! The happier you are the more miserable she will be.

mamakat
08-15-2011, 09:28 PM
Berry,
That article said it better than I did, but that's exactly what I meant. We've earned these marks because we've lived these lives, no one else and they can't take it away with one hurtful comment. :)

berryblondeboys
08-15-2011, 10:12 PM
I like the "That was rude." suggestion, as well.


Right, except she needs to realize she is in YOUR home. She needs to be respectful and THANKFUL that you let her in. I'm from a community where rudeness is okay under the guise of "culture." I don't tolerate it. It's rude and unacceptable. It's funny how when you make it clear you won't accept something, it disappears.

Well, that's not true. We bought it together. She owns her area (her own living room, bedroom bathroom and we share a kitchen and dining area). And I'm glad we did it that way. It's not 'mine' or 'hers'. It's ours. (we decided it was time to join households about 1.5 years ago when we had to move for my husband's job.)

Sheridan
08-16-2011, 02:11 AM
:hug:Hi Again,
Marks are our battle scars for a life lived well!!!!

Your MIL is doing your kids a favor for she is teaching you what not to be like when you become the MIL. LOL

Best of luck to you and believe me there are many worse things in life than a few lines on the back of your knees. You must look very good everywhere else because if you didn't there would be more obvious negatives to gain her focus.
I don't think I have ever actually looked at the back of someones knees or my own either.

Isn't it wonderful to have a forum like this to share our life experiences?

Respond as best you can and when all else fails laugh at the stupidity of such silliness.
Failing that make a voodoo doll and stick pins in it as if you are casting a spell. I actually did this once and laughed so hard that it difused my anger because no matter what was said I could just stick another pin in the doll and smile. I know these little tricks are just that-tricks but sometimes it can take the edge off.

I sense that you are going to be just fine.

Sheridan

Lovely
08-16-2011, 03:23 AM
Oh ouch. Just wanted to send out a :hug:

I think she was stretching (really...no pun intended) on trying to find something "wrong" to talk about. Possibly because she notices you're getting close to being smaller than her!

losermom
08-16-2011, 07:59 AM
Your MIL is doing your kids a favor for she is teaching you what not to be like when you become the MIL. LOL


This! Berry, I hear you on the MIL troubles! I am currently experiencing my own in-law drama with MIL and SIL over my DD24's wedding. I told my DD that I have had a prime example of how NOT to act as a MIL. DD and I have decided to take the high road and not engage in their shenanigans. The wedding should be about DD, NOT MIL or SIL. You my friend deserve a medal of honor for living with her. :hug:

fitmom
08-16-2011, 08:49 AM
I have to say that I give you a lot of credit for living with your MIL. I couldn't do it - that would be an absolute dealbreaker for me. But that being said, take the high road. Although I agree with you, it's hard when she constantly catches you off-guard. It's difficult not to want to defend yourself. My MIL did that too and it drove me up a wall. My late mom used to say, "kill them with kindness". I hope it gets better.

runningfromfat
08-16-2011, 09:04 AM
:hug:

That's got to be really hard to deal with. Do these comments come out on a regular basis or are they just every now and then?

I wished I had some great words of wisdom on dealing with this but instead I can at least offer another :hug:

kimmieval
08-18-2011, 01:31 AM
@berryblondeboys

Please, please, message me, write me, send me a letter, skype me, FB me, any means of communicating, but let me know when you are a size smaller than your MIL and you have told her that. Take a pic and frame the look on her disbelieving face and keep it for posterity. Sheesh..some persons take the joy out of life...

kimmieval
08-18-2011, 01:34 AM
@Sheridan


he he he (evil laughter cackling)..you are funny...I got a good smile out of your voodoo doll comment...I must try that technique (in my head of course) with some persons I know (more evil laughter cackling, rubbing hands in glee)