Alternachicks - I had a Bad Day Again




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Amyjo01
01-22-2003, 09:13 PM
Do you ever wonder what just sends you off?

I have been OP for over a week and today I just lost it :( I ate fast food (and too much of it) then took my kids for ice cream :eek: I just feel really defeated and I did it too myself. I haven't felt too well in several days and haven't eaten too much or too often, but today shot that to heck in a hand basket.

I am probably being hard on myself but I am having a really hard time handling my bulimia with the weight coming off so slow and me not being able to handle my eating. Bah.... what to do, what to do.

Any suggestions?

Amy


Sojourner
01-22-2003, 09:28 PM
I dabbled in bulimia in college and thankfully went for counseling and joined a support group before it got out of hand. If you are at the point where you are throwing up the food, using laxatives, or over-exercising you really should consider seeing a therapist if you are not yet. My bulimia (and eating problems in general) was based on disordered thinking and depression. The treatment involved cognitive therapy (changing the way I thought about myself) and an anti-depressant. Please don't be afraid to seek assistance... bulimia and eating disorders are very serious and dangerous and you deserve to to live a happy and satisfying life... not one revolving around what you ate and an obsession about weight and food.

Remember, it IS ok to eat fast food occasionally and even have ice cream and still be healthy and lose weight. And even if you have too many calories in one day or one meal, you can always choose to immediately get back on program. This doesn't mean you are a failure, it simply means you are learning to change your habits and sometimes it takes time. Be gentle and kind with yourself. Some of the best advice that I have heard is to treat yourself in the way you would treat a loved child. When that child is learning something new and makes a mistake, you would never belittle or abuse or yell at the child... you would praise her when she did it right (or close to right) and encourage her to try again when she failed. You are just as valuable and just as vulnerable as that child... except you have undoubtedly spent years punishing yourself with negative internal dialogue (just as I did and many of us do). Please take care of yourself and choose today to seek help.... I know its difficult and scary but you can absolutely make this positive choice and you WILL feel better over time.

:^:

Lidian
01-22-2003, 09:35 PM
Hi Amy,

I think all of us have days like that - I guess I'd say, don't beat yourself up about it, but just get right back on track tomorrow...it is just one day, and in the end it will average out as you keep going OP. I know how hard it is when weight comes off slowly - I've been at this 2 1/2 years and have had long long periods of NO weight loss, or putting some back on, and then eventually just...keeping on.

Do you keep a food diary? It has helped me SO much, even if I am feeling like eating a bit more, just to write it out makes me feel more in control - and then it is easier to do better the next day. Because for me, when I do overeat, I sort of go on autopilot - like a sort of out-of-body experience, you know? I used to watch myself buy candy and cookies as if it wasn't me...now if I do eat candy I try to be conscious and say OK, I'll write it down.

I also think it helps to build in some treats for yourself. Like I have Saturday afternoon and evening, I can buy some candy and have our weekly takeout. I am looking forward to it already. And I try to only have a treat that I LOVE, not just any old candy bar that comes down the pike. You deserve to figure out what you really like as a treat, and plan to have a portion of it.

Some things I love, like chocolate chip cookies, I try to stay away from (there are some around now, which is unusual, so I am writing this to remind myself NOT TO EAT THEM)...one taste and I just want to keep on tasting them. I think I will always be like that, so I need to plan for it.

I'm sorry to be so long-winded...but I really do understand - and I know how tough it is when you have kids too, and they want the ice cream and stuff.

It is great that you came here to talk about it... it all helps! :)

Take good care of yourself -- and please let us know how you're doing(I will let you know how I do with those cookies!)

Lidian:)


squeaker
01-22-2003, 10:24 PM
I think all of the wonderful advice has already been said, so all I will say is feel better Amy. Tomorrow is another day, another chance to have a good OP day. :)

Amyjo01
01-23-2003, 12:52 AM
Thanks for the encouragement guys..... I guess I should of mentioned from those of you who don't know me, I am a "recovering" bulimic. I have battled with anorexia and bulimia since I was 14.... primarily bulimia that worsened in my late teens and early twenties at the height when I was pregnant with my second child.... I yo/yo'd between 130-145 from the time she was born until I quit work and went back to school... I had a really bad bout when I lost my last baby in 98 and finally sought out help. Well, I quite the binge/purge/laxative thing after several months of drugs and therapy but I also quit trying to lose weight.

To make a long story short from 98 to 2000, I gained from 140 to almost 190... Not a huge big deal was still a solid size 12 pushing a 14 well after 2 years of not trying to lose weight I went on a healthy diet.... lost down to 141 and maintained up until last year when I hit my senior year of my nursing program :(... well in the last year I have gained from 141 back up to 166 down to 162.

I don't have any clothes that fit. I threw away all my bigger stuff when I got down into an 8 now all that I have to wear is like 2 pair out of about 10 pair of pants and my scrubs for school.... I was fine until the stress of school got to me and I quit cooking and was living from box to table or take out. :( I graduate in May... less than 16 weeks from now and I really, really am starting to stress because then I have to get a job and grow up.


OMG, I sound like such a baby... I just need to suck it up, but I don't want to back slide into old habits and it hard. When your brain says full stomach=vomit..... (gross picture)

Well on a lighter note HAPPY BIRTHDAY Sojo... thanks again you and lidian sound like you have been there....



Amy

Sojourner
01-23-2003, 03:03 AM
You don't sound a bit like a baby! I'm so glad to hear that you have sought out help for bulimia. Weight issues suck and are so very hard to deal with. I try to manage one day, one pound at a time. Thanks for sharing your story.... you really are strong and have made some amazing changes in your life... give yourself credit and encouragement!! If you can afford it, go out and buy a few nice clothes that fit you perfectly right now. So what if they don't fit you in a few months... it will be summer by then and next winter you can buy a new wardrobe for your strong and svelte body. :)

(ps... I hope I didn't sound preachy in my last post or any of my posts... sometimes I get going on this stuff and when I read it later I worry that it comes across in a bad way... I wish you all the best and my rambling advice is just my opinion based on my own experiences)

Amyjo01
01-23-2003, 08:45 AM
No not preachy... just concerned. I do the exact same thing, when I am thinking right.

Got to get ready for clinical and get a sick child to the MIL.



Amy

Wanttolosealot
01-23-2003, 10:55 AM
Sojo and AMy!
You are both so lucky to have each other to talk to about this topic. It is not a topic I have any advice on at all. I myself have never been through it, and as far as I know, do not know anyone who has, although I am sure there likely is someone and they have just not told me.
Maybe by you two posting this,others who have the same concern will feel safe enough to come out and discuss this terrible disease. I am very pleased you are both coping with it right now,
good for you!
Big hugs to you both
Virginia

Lidian
01-23-2003, 11:04 AM
Amy, you don't sound like a baby at all - you are one courageous woman who has had plenty to deal with. I was sorry to hear of all the stress and heartache you have had to deal with and well, yes I have been there too, not the exact same stuff but ups and downs over the years...

I pretty well stayed between an adult low of 127 (age 25, wedding weight) and 147 (but a muscular, hiking-every-weekend sort of 147) until having my 2 kids, got to 153 after first pregnancy, but then came the second. My DH and I were having some major problems, my mother was developing dementia/Parkinson's/Alzheimer's/ etc etc (never had a clear diagnosis), my parents were having other problems and phoned me every night about it. I was having to find new homes for my mom, she was in & out of hospital, & I had 2 kids under 2 yrs one of whom was super clingy...went up to about 175-80 and stayed there a long time. Then of course got lots of comments from family etc. Oh well. It has taken me 2 1/2 years to get back to 144 and the first year I lost a grand total of 5 lbs.

Not that you asked to hear all that but....what I mean is, sometimes stress is so great it is unbelievably hard NOT to eat, or to make any effort to lose. Truly I didn't want to diet then, even though I hated how I looked. I just thought, I can't do it just now. I really had to get over my mom's passing away 3 years ago (well, enough over it) to really be able to work on myself.

Please be kind to yourself and treat yourself to WHATEVER help you might need, here and in real life. One day at a time....

Love, Lidian:)

ellis
01-23-2003, 11:18 AM
Amy, the other girls have said it all.
Hugs and prayers, sweetie.
xoxo ellis :grouphug:

dentrassi
01-23-2003, 01:55 PM
Amyjo-Sorry to hear that you are having such a rough time. I flirted around the edges of eating disorders, and tortured myself about my weight through my depression and negative self image. YOU ARE NOT BEING A BABY. It is like walking a tight rope sometimes trying to get yourself healthy without falling into the pits of self doubt, overeating and bulimia that are around you. I mean, I gain a pound and have to be careful not to pound myself emotionally. Partly because I don't deserve that and partly because when I feel bad I eat more!! ALL of us slip sometimes. Just be kind to yourself (as someone said on another thread....treat yourself like you would treat your best friend.), allow yourself to be HUMAN (we ALL make mistakes), and try to get back on track. I've been really blowing it lately, so you are NOT alone in this. Let's just give ourselves a little hug and get back on track...... :)

Amyjo01
01-23-2003, 06:07 PM
Thank you guys, so far so good today... too busy to binge ;) in a way that is good. DD is sick, again.... I had a community clinical I could not miss so she ended up at the MIL's for the day...

I just really appreciate all the positive support, it is great to know I am not the only one out here that has issues and it is good to hear about those who have conquered their issues. I just can't deal sometimes, it is just too much for one persons to cope with and I wish I could just say nope I quit I am not going to do ANY of this anymore, but I can't say that there is too much, or too many depending on me. Calgon take me away....

Well off to fix "something?" for dinner, it is going to be 18F here tonight this is sending everyone in to shock.... I got to fix something hot to warm us all up.

Again, thanks for listening (I do feel like a whiny baby) but there is no one here that wants to listen or that understands.

Hugs to you all,
Amy

Lidian
01-24-2003, 09:45 PM
I know just what you mean, Amy - no one here wants to hear about my rough times either...it is awfully hard sometimes. I don't think you are whiny at ALL. I reckon we can all relate to what you are saying...and I am so grateful to be able to come here and talk with you all. You are all just the most wonderful women ever! Hugs to you all --

Love, Lidian