General chatter - How should I talk to her?




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MelloFatto
08-11-2011, 06:33 PM
My friends boyfriend is so obsessive it's ridiculous. She can come over my house for an hour and he'll call every 10 minutes with the same question "What are you two doing?" and eventually tell her she needs to come home (he lives with her). She'll stay a few extra minutes, but those extra minutes turn into 30+ missed calls from him.

She deserves so much better. She has two GREAT paying jobs, he has not one because he can't pass any drug tests (pot head). Every time they go out she has to pay for him every single time. If he happens to have money, it comes from his parents.

She can barely go out with me unless he's there. I was over their house once and she was getting ready and he came in the room asking where she was going. And she replied "Downtown with Melanie." and he goes, "BY YOURSELF??" as if she had lost her mind... he eventually had to tag along.

They have each other's name tattooed on each other which also bothers me. I'm sure if I asked her she'd say she's happy, but I know she could be much happier with someone who's doing something with their life and gives her her space and treats her like a girlfriend and not property.

I'm just not sure how I should talk to her without her getting upset.


jules1216
08-11-2011, 07:12 PM
My sons so is like that...she even gets jealous and calls when hes here...

Lovely
08-11-2011, 11:25 PM
This is one of those situations where it might be best not to say anything.

This is that same old story, where a friend with very good intentions wants to show their friend that they deserve better... but said friend wants to hear none of it, and then ends up choosing their SO all the same, and may even get angry at the good-intentioned-friend for trying to diss on their SO in the first place.

If you really, super must say something... wait for a behavior (like him calling every 10 minutes)... and ask her what she thinks of it. Let her talk about it. If she's says "Whatever, it's not that annoying." Then end it, she's made her choice.

Whatever you end up doing, try not to outright bash him (not that you would aim to do that) or it will come back to bite you if she ends up defending him.


jigglefree
08-12-2011, 11:32 AM
SAY NOTHING!!! Been there done that a couple times. She will make a change when she gets tired enough, then you can be there for her.

nikkinouille
08-12-2011, 12:12 PM
Yeah, it'd probably be best to just keep your opinion to yourself on this... It could cause resentment between you two.

PreciousMissy
08-12-2011, 05:00 PM
I was the friend a couple years ago...I couldn't go anywhere without my SO always wanting to know where I was or what I was doing. If I didn't answer my phone he would just call repeatedly until I did.

I didn't know any other type of relationship (we married young) so it seemed normal to me. My friends slowly started to fade away, him calling was disrupting their good time too. Once I got tired of it they all rallied around me so I could make a change.

I like Lovely's advice...if you must approach it, do it once, she will chose him if she is feeling nagged or resentful. You could also say "Why do you think it is that he doesn't trust you that he has to call so often".

A controlling man can also be (or become) an abusive man, so tread lightly.

naynajay0526
08-12-2011, 05:06 PM
I'd bring it up and talk to her about it, friend to friend. You have valid concerns and usually behavior like that only leads to much worse down the road. Unfortunately, until SHE is ready to leave him, no one else can tell her what to do, and if they do then she may even rebel more because she doesn't see the big picture like you do.

Bellamack
08-12-2011, 05:16 PM
what the heck is wrong with her? he'd be gone faster than you could say "gone"

I'd say something, if she is your true friend, you owe her!

ade903
08-12-2011, 05:39 PM
I'm iffy on this topic. I "broke up" with one of my best friends last year because of similar issues. I told her how I felt, she said if I was a true friend I would support her wanting to be with him, I told her I couldn't, and it has been about 14 months since we have communicated. Just know if you do bring it up, and you stick up for what you believe, make sure you are willing to lose the friendship. I'm actually a lot happier now. She caused a lot of drama in my life, and now I feel as though I'm at peace. I have no idea if they are still together (a little birdie told me they are), but I'm pretty sure even if their relationship ends, our friendship is beyond repair. It's tough to see someone you love in such a sh!tty situation. Sometimes you just have to let go. I'm a big believer that some people come into your life, but they aren't meant to stick. It was good when it was good, there was a purpose, but it isn't meant to be for life. Good luck!

naynajay0526
08-12-2011, 06:27 PM
Yeah, I agree with Ade, I also cut off an old best friend because of this same issue. She not only remained in a messed up relationship but showed little concern for her two kids that watched the verbal and physical abuse. Her boyfriend was a pot head and was high all the time. Now that we don't talk life is drama free and she's not my concern anymore. You can only try to help and either they take it or they don't.

astrophe
08-12-2011, 09:35 PM
I just got a friend thru a domestic violence scene because a friend in common begged me to speak up. The victim was not seeing it even though we all were. And she was all "If he is so bad how come nobody else says anything?"

Silence always ends up helping the bad person to carry on their mean antics.

A few of us came forward and the victim was able to to see it clearer, esp after the links I sent her and hooking up with a counselor. She told me thank you because "One person saying something, well, I could ignore that like the person had a personal axe to grind. But many unrelated people saying something... then I had to stop to really look at it."

I'd tell her you are there for her, but are a little concerned and you've seen some red flags. Then point her to

http://www.speakoutloud.net/articles/

Especially the list...

http://speakoutloud.net/wp-content/uploads/2009/01/tactics-power-and-control.pdf

For YOURSELF -- read the stages. Each one tells you how to best support a friend at that stage. I know we may want them to leave, but women in stage 1 are not ready for stage 5 advice. They just are not open to hear it yet, or they haven't made their safety/escape plan yet or are too oppressed to get educated or find the local hotline number.

Even smart people can get sucked into the brainwashing by a bad person always tearing them down and they may be too weak to leave right away.

Esp if the person is there hovering all the time and also busy turning their friends and family against them putting on a good face in public and then carrying on the mean in private. And statistics show the most dangerous time is the break up -- the controller could hurt the victim. So that too is an obstacle/fear of escaping and breaking free.

Take care of YOUR safety too -- there is no need for you to go down with a sinking ship or get yourself a new stalker too -- if the BF goes bananas and starts lashing out at her family and friends.

Maybe be supportive from a distance -- email or phone. He's tearing her down, I hope she has friends to build her up and keep reminding her that she is a grown up person who IS capable of making hard decisions.

A.

MelloFatto
08-13-2011, 09:15 AM
Thanks guys, not sure which road I'll take at the moment. Mentioning it when it happens seems like the most likely option.

DezziePS
08-13-2011, 01:16 PM
I think I would be less direct about it at first. Like, don't make it seem like you're ragging on him in particular, just start talking about men in general. Like, "It was only recently that I totally realized that we're so young and good looking, we shouldn't settle for anything less than the man of our dreams!" Be subtle about it- talk about what you look for in a guy, and while you're talking about how much you value trust in a relationship and he's calling her every ten minutes interrupting you, maybe it will make something sink in, and maybe she will bring it up.

If you want to be more direct about it, I think when he calls for the second or third time when you're together, you should just wait for her to get off the phone and say, "Oh, wow, you know that would totally drive me crazy having him calling every few minutes! How do you do it?" That way it would be casual and she could talk about it or not, but she would know that people are NOTICING and it's weird for him to do that.

Or you could act really concerned every time he calls (because the only reason a NORMAL person would call someone that often is if there was an emergency). Like, "Oh my gosh- that sounded urgent...is everything ok??" repeated every time he calls.

MariaMaria
08-13-2011, 01:26 PM
How have you responded when a girlfriend has criticized your relationship or your choice of romantic partner?

Has it gone well, ever?

MelloFatto
08-13-2011, 09:57 PM
How have you responded when a girlfriend has criticized your relationship or your choice of romantic partner?

Has it gone well, ever?

I've never had a friend criticize a boyfriend of mine.

MelloFatto
08-13-2011, 09:57 PM
I think I would be less direct about it at first. Like, don't make it seem like you're ragging on him in particular, just start talking about men in general. Like, "It was only recently that I totally realized that we're so young and good looking, we shouldn't settle for anything less than the man of our dreams!" Be subtle about it- talk about what you look for in a guy, and while you're talking about how much you value trust in a relationship and he's calling her every ten minutes interrupting you, maybe it will make something sink in, and maybe she will bring it up.

If you want to be more direct about it, I think when he calls for the second or third time when you're together, you should just wait for her to get off the phone and say, "Oh, wow, you know that would totally drive me crazy having him calling every few minutes! How do you do it?" That way it would be casual and she could talk about it or not, but she would know that people are NOTICING and it's weird for him to do that.

Or you could act really concerned every time he calls (because the only reason a NORMAL person would call someone that often is if there was an emergency). Like, "Oh my gosh- that sounded urgent...is everything ok??" repeated every time he calls.

That sounds like a good idea. :)