General chatter - how to tell him...?




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Purrfect
08-08-2011, 01:15 AM
I'm taking almost 3 weeks off to go to a second home for a summer break with my kids.
My husband can come for the last two weeks. I LOVE my "free" time with the kids, and really need the time away from him (married 29 years).

Now he's saying he may get to come join us early. I am NOT happy. I want to tell him in a kind way to give me the space. But I don't want to hurt his feelings. He's always been so clingy, and I have always needed more solitude. We worked thru some of that in marital therapy but nevertheless it still is an "issue".

I know it sounds awful. I do love him (after all it's over 30 years) but I have changed alot (grown alot spritually) and he is basically the same as he was when we met. It isn't a great bond for me but I did choose to stay instead of put my children through a divorce. I don't regret that, there is enough that goes well and is good to sustain a core family. But I am enduring; I am always looking forward to the time when I have the house to myself or I can work in these little extra get-aways.
It's mostly his negativity, his irritability and his occasional stupidity in dealing with raising children with consciousness. When he's in a good mood, things go smoothly and we can have fun and be more harmonious.

I just wonder what others think, but of course, no one knows. I don't talk about it with anyone and being here gives me a little security to ask.

He's not a bad person and there is no abuse. He helps out alot around the house (does all the laundry for example).

Oh well, there's always more to the story bt if you can help me think of a way to tell him that would be helpful.

I did tell him last year I would not want to drive with him again (it is a 9 hr drive) because I didn't like it being an issue to stop for bathrooms or breaks, and his driving often is too aggressive for me. He was SO offended, but it's the truth. What got to me is he never apologizes, and never tries to make it 'better' with me. He's ok no matter what my mood is, he just is the one to always take attitude.

thaks........


Purplefirefly
08-08-2011, 05:25 AM
I understand the need to have some time to yourself and kind of unwind without another personality hovering over you. At the same time, it sounds like you basically don't like him as a person. It is possible to love someone but not like them and it seems like this may be the case with you.

I think the fact that you need him to go away completely in order to relax and have a good time speaks volumes as to what you should do here. I don't think this is just about vacation. I think it is the entire relationship. You sound miserably trapped with someone you don't like. Don't you deserve more?

I say this from a place of understanding because I have been there. I think you should understand that looking forward to getting away from him is a huge sign that you are not happy in this relationship. I think it goes far deeper than vacation.

On some level you also seem to blame him for your misery. You say he's a great guy over and over but it seems to be out of guilt or shame of saying what you really think about him. Just because he does the laundry doesn't mean he is the right person for you.

There is nothing wrong with admitting that you have grown and changed and are no longer happy with who he is. But, you can't blame him for all the problems...it may just be an issue of clashing personalities. He just isn't who you want to spend your time with...but that has nothing to do with vacation.

:hug: I really feel for you. It's a very hard position to be in when you have to decide between your own happiness and what you feel is best for your children. I just want to make sure you see that it really isn't a vacation issue...this is just a symptom of a deeper issue in the relationship.

Yes, he is going to be hurt when you tell him you don't want him around on vacation or that you look forward to this time away from him. That is hurtful and honestly he should question the entire relationship when you tell him this. I can see if there is a mutual need for time apart, but when you are looking forward to being away from someone there is a big issue to be dealt with.

98DaysOfSummer
08-08-2011, 11:08 AM
I hear ya. I've only been married for 14 years (only. Ha) but sometimes you need a break. I love my husband, but we do not have fun in the same way. I am laid back and he is very uptight. It drives me nuts that he can't just relax and have fun, it bothers him that I won't plan plan plan and get as bent as he is about every little thing. It's good for us to have time apart. We need time to miss each other.

Can you not suggest he do something else with his time off? Tell him the kids won't mind if he wants to take a break for himself and do some grown up stuff with his friends or on his own. I would try to present it as a chance for him to do something for himself because there is really no nice way to say, "I have had just about enough of you for now and I'm really looking forward to A BREAK." In my experience, clingy husbands are also pouty husbands and you do NOT want to take THAT on vacation for three weeks.


98DaysOfSummer
08-08-2011, 11:14 AM
I understand the need to have some time to yourself and kind of unwind without another personality hovering over you. At the same time, it sounds like you basically don't like him as a person. It is possible to love someone but not like them and it seems like this may be the case with you.

I think the fact that you need him to go away completely in order to relax and have a good time speaks volumes as to what you should do here. I don't think this is just about vacation. I think it is the entire relationship. You sound miserably trapped with someone you don't like. Don't you deserve more?

I say this from a place of understanding because I have been there. I think you should understand that looking forward to getting away from him is a huge sign that you are not happy in this relationship. I think it goes far deeper than vacation.

On some level you also seem to blame him for your misery. You say he's a great guy over and over but it seems to be out of guilt or shame of saying what you really think about him. Just because he does the laundry doesn't mean he is the right person for you.

There is nothing wrong with admitting that you have grown and changed and are no longer happy with who he is. But, you can't blame him for all the problems...it may just be an issue of clashing personalities. He just isn't who you want to spend your time with...but that has nothing to do with vacation.

:hug: I really feel for you. It's a very hard position to be in when you have to decide between your own happiness and what you feel is best for your children. I just want to make sure you see that it really isn't a vacation issue...this is just a symptom of a deeper issue in the relationship.

Yes, he is going to be hurt when you tell him you don't want him around on vacation or that you look forward to this time away from him. That is hurtful and honestly he should question the entire relationship when you tell him this. I can see if there is a mutual need for time apart, but when you are looking forward to being away from someone there is a big issue to be dealt with.

Just to address all this, I don't know any couples who have been married for longer than five or six years who DON'T need some time apart every now and then. Just because you recognize you need a break from someone every now and then, that does not mean your relationship is doomed. Honoring that is what can keep your need from a break into turning into full on resentment.

Also, some people just don't take breaks the same way. I love my husband, but we do NOT unwind the same way. We don't have the same "ideal" for breaks and vacations. We don't have fun the same way. That's ok. We do PLENTY together, there's nothing wrong with not doing everything together. I don't want to play computer games, and he doesn't want to spend five hours in Sephora. I think the myth that a happy couple does everything together is a marriage wrecker.

ddc
08-08-2011, 11:16 AM
I wouldn't say anything because that's probably going to make the last two weeks that he is going to be there even worse.

SLIMplicity
08-08-2011, 12:11 PM
I feel for you and this would be a difficult situation for you to be in.. we all deserve a break.. :beach:
I wasn't married for a long time..
The longest relationship I've had was 5 years with the father of my children.. and well it didn't work out..due to abuse ..at the time I didn't think I was in a abusive relationship ( just thought we had "normal" fights)

I have been in therapy since that time.. I have learned alot about myself and what an abusive relationship is..
There is many forms of marital/ relationship abuse. The most obivious ones are Physical abuse ( hitting, pinching, slapping, shoving, ect.) ,
Sexual abuse ( rape, bribing for sex:"honey I will give you whatever u want, just have sex..")
Bullying (lateral violence)
then there are other forms of abuse such as Emotional/psychological abuse,
http://deal.org/the-knowzone/violence/emotional-abuse/ ask yourself these these questions:

Do you:
-avoid certain topics out of fear of angering your partner?
-feel that you can’t do anything right for your partner?
-believe that you deserve to be hurt or mistreated?
-wonder if you’re the one who is crazy?
-feel emotionally numb or helpless?
-have a bad and unpredictable temper?
-feel afraid of your partner at any time?
-Does your partner act excessively jealous and possessive?
-control where you go or what you do?
-keep you from seeing your friends or family?
-limit your access to money, the phone, or the car?
-constantly check up on you?

If you answer yes to any of these questions than you my be suffering from psychological abuse..and he may be trying to control you..

Not all abusive relationships involve violence. Just because you’re not battered and bruised doesn’t mean you’re not being abused. Many men and women suffer from emotional abuse, which is no less destructive. Unfortunately, emotional-psychological abuse is often minimized or overlooked—even by the person being abused. more on this site:http://www.helpguide.org/mental/domestic_violence_abuse_types_signs_causes_effects .htm

I'm not saying your in an abusive relationship, thats for you to determine..I did read into some "red flags in your post..To answer your question about "how do I tell him/", well JUST TELL HIM exactly how you feel and leave it with him.. be assertive to your needs.. For him to love you is to respect you.. RESPECT=LOVE.

Everyone deserves to live a life free of any kind of abuse.

P.S: Another form of abuse to watch out for is Lateral violence/ Bullying/ horizontal violence:

Violence is normalised and children grow up expected to behave like everyone else and copy the bullying.

Forms of lateral violence
Frequent forms of lateral violence are:
•nonverbal innuendo (raising eyebrows, face-making),
•verbal affront (overt/covert, snide remarks, lack of openness, abrupt responses),
•undermining activities (turning away, not being available),
•withholding information,
•sabotage (deliberately setting up a negative situation),
•infighting (bickering),
•scapegoating,
•backstabbing (complaining to peers and not confronting the individual),
•failure to respect privacy,
•broken confidences.

95% of a group of young people had witnessed lateral violence at home .

Those most at risk of lateral violence in its raw physical form are family members and, in the main, the most vulnerable members of the family: elderly people, women and children. Especially children and teenagers.

To tackle lateral violence Richard J. Frankland suggests that you "out it. Name it for what it is, it is a destroyer of culture and life. Publicly admit it is happening and then take steps and measures to deal with it. Find ways to deal with it, end it, eradicate it from our lives and communities."

Purrfect
08-08-2011, 09:45 PM
All of your answers are so helpful. THANK YOU, it helps me to look more squarely at the situation.
I know I would n't stay if I didn't have kids NO DOUBT about it. I try and make the best of it and that's probably why I defend his good points. He knows I love him but he knows I don't LIKE him and even why. Yet, he does little to change.
It does indeed go far deeper than vacation, that's just my "escape" i really relish. Often by the end of a week, I am happy to see him...but as soon as it gets negative, ugh.

I have alot more to think about...yes, I do deserve more, I really do. I have sooooo much to give.

puneri
08-08-2011, 10:22 PM
You can tell him you want parttime husband.

midwife
08-09-2011, 10:41 AM
All of your answers are so helpful. THANK YOU, it helps me to look more squarely at the situation.
I know I would n't stay if I didn't have kids NO DOUBT about it. I try and make the best of it and that's probably why I defend his good points. He knows I love him but he knows I don't LIKE him and even why. Yet, he does little to change.
.

This makes me really sad. You've thought about whether you deserve better and have rationalized why you stay. But maybe he deserves better too. How sad that you both settle with someone you don't even like to be around. It's not fair to you. Have you thought that it's not fair to him either?

And your kids know, I promise. Kids are pretty smart.

I'm sorry, and I hope I didn't make you mad.

EZMONEY
08-09-2011, 11:12 AM
..... I LOVE my "free" time with the kids, and really need the time away from him (married 29 years).

... I do love him (after all it's over 30 years) but I have changed alot (grown alot spritually) and he is basically the same as he was when we met.....

But I am enduring; I am always looking forward to the time when I have the house to myself or I can work in these little extra get-aways.
.... his occasional stupidity in dealing with raising children with consciousness....

He's not a bad person and there is no abuse. He helps out alot around the house (does all the laundry for example)......

I did tell him last year I would not want to drive with him again......



I am a little confused :?:

You say you LOVE your free time yet are spending it with your kids....

You say you LOVE him yet also that you don't like him....

and that you have grown spiritually....

I am curious in what way have you grown spiritually?

You say you are always looking for ways to get away from him....

I don't know any person that doesn't like to get day to themselves or a week-end....I usually enjoy time for myself on those "SHORT" week-ends when my wife visits family or has a yoga or teacher conference but I can't say that I am always looking forward to the next one.

Does he have any other qualities besides not abusive and can do laundry?

My wife doesn't like my driving either ;)....so, she just drives everywhere we go together....

I know I picked your post apart...

not trying to pick on you :hug:

Many years ago...my first wife wasn't happy....could not say what she really disliked about me so I went through several years trying to hold on to her and my little kids...I was afraid I would lose all of them in those days....

she finally left which I thought was the worst day of my life :(

Little did I know it turned out to be probably one of the worst days of her life but the BEST DAY EVER!!! of mine :carrot:


She has been miserable for the last 22 years and I have had nothing but happiness for the last 17 :)

I assume from your age and the length of your marriage that your children are grown so there is really no need to hold on for that reason anymore...

I wish you the best, and don't worry about cutting your husband lose...more likely than not he will be, in time, just fine.

Prayers are with you.

cortandcooper
08-09-2011, 11:31 AM
I think you should make plans for divorcing. It's not that you want a week long break from him that I'm talking about, but the rest. The life you're living is not fair to him, let alone yourself. Set him free so that he can find someone who actually LIKES him for who he is, as well as loves him. The kids will be fine.

SouthLake
08-09-2011, 03:09 PM
My former stepfather sounds a lot like your husband. Very cranky, not very flexible, easily irritable. He wasn't a bad guy, per say, but he was a terrible husband for my mother. My mom is spontaneous and fun- she likes to meet people, try new things, explore new places. He needs to plan every single minute of every single day, doesn't enjoy any of the things she does, and frequently resents that she does enjoy them. Last year, my mother divorced him after 14 years of marriage- I have never been so happy for her.

Yes, it is different, he was not my father. But I wasn't blind to the fact that my mom was miserable. She's loving life more than I could have imagined now. Your kids are smart enough, and old enough, to be able to understand that you guys are very different people. My own parents divorced when I was 5. It was difficult, because I never remembered them fighting or anything like that, but they have always worked so hard to parent us together despite the divorce, that I have never resented them for it.

myhaloisintheshop
08-09-2011, 03:37 PM
As a child of parents who stuck it out for the kids....get a divorce. Little do you know your kids may actually WANT it. I remember hating the awkwardness and hating that my parents weren't in love. IT stinks and your family deserves so much more than this.

ANewCreation
08-09-2011, 04:25 PM
I'm only going to speak to your question about how to tell him. I think you know how to tell him (because you've done it before ie the driving), you just dread dealing with his reaction (and I don't blame you). The fact of the matter is he is going to be very offended no matter how you put it, because that's just who he is. So, whose happiness are you going to choose? His or yours?

I know that sounds harsh, but really sometimes that's what it comes down to and sometimes you just have to say that it's okay to choose your happiness. It sounds like your hubby isn't a happy person even when he gets his way ie coming early, so please just give yourself permission to choose your happiness this time. It isn't an unreasonable request to have time apart, even in the best of marriages. Everyone needs alone time.

I think if you are kind & respectful when you say, "Honey, I know this will offend you but please understand that I've been looking forward to spending this time with the kids. I can't make you honor my request, but I'd really like it if we stuck to our original plans for you to arrive on (fill in the blank with the date). If he pouts, rages, argues, etc just dis-engage and walk away. Hard to argue with someone who isn't there ;)

I hope you find a way to work this out and get your alone time. I wish you the best.

fitmom
08-09-2011, 04:38 PM
I've been with my husband for 2 decades - married for almost 15 years. Did you consider that he could come early but you don't necessarily have to do things together all the time? For example, I live in a small home, not many places to escape to when I require some solitude but even if my hubby and I are in the same room, we don't have to be in each other's space, we could be doing our own thing. I, too, look forward to the one time a year when my hubby travels for work. Every December for one week, he goes to Vegas for an annual sales conference and I used to hate it when my kids were infants but now that they are older (9 and 6) I absolutely love it! They go to school during the day and I get some much-needed 'me time'. By the time, he comes home, I'm glad to see him and vice versa.