General chatter - Am I Overreacting?? Boy Trouble...




ChubbyCheeks
08-07-2011, 12:30 AM
My boyfriend is bothering me really bad about me lying to him about something really trivial. [He asked me if I liked a certain rapper, and I said no because I didn't want to listen to that album at the time and I admitted today that I have 3 of the rappers albums]
No big deal. But because he was high, he wouldn't let it go. He said "I drive to your job everyday to see you and take you home, I don't ask nothing from you and you lie to me??" And for the rest of the night, he wouldn't drop it.
So I finally flipped. I punched him and screamed at him in front of his friends, I made him take me home, and I wont answer his texts.
I don't smoke or drink, and I've always been cool enough to not say anything about it to him, and he's going to act like this to me??
I told him I don't know if I'm into him anymore [another lie], and I need to be left alone.
Should I leave him?


kelly315
08-07-2011, 12:34 AM
Sounds a bit unstable, but it's impossible to tell from one story. Maybe there was something bothering him in his life, and it just came out that way. Maybe try talking to him about it when he's calm and sober?

ChubbyCheeks
08-07-2011, 12:40 AM
Sounds a bit unstable, but it's impossible to tell from one story. Maybe there was something bothering him in his life, and it just came out that way. Maybe try talking to him about it when he's calm and sober?

He said he can't stand the thought of me lying to him. But it was so small and stupid, and I owned up to it, because I didn't even think anything of it.
And yeah, he's been through a lot in his life, but I'm not his therapist. I'd be there when he needs me like I always have been but I'm not trying to fix him.


kelly315
08-07-2011, 12:43 AM
Sounds like you already know what you want to do! Follow your guts on this one- and definitely keep that mindset about not being his therapist!

ChubbyCheeks
08-07-2011, 12:47 AM
The only reason I'm having a problem is that he is always there for me, but if anyone else acted like that, I would've been gone, and I'm not just saying that.

MariaMaria
08-07-2011, 02:06 AM
He overreacted annd behaved poorly, and you assaulted him?

Get out while you still have a clean arrest record.

ChubbyCheeks
08-07-2011, 02:14 AM
He overreacted annd behaved poorly, and you assaulted him?

Get out while you still have a clean arrest record.

My temper is just like that, it could have been anyone. That's my personal problem.

KatRustler
08-07-2011, 02:59 AM
How hard is it to just say you don't want to listen to the album? It's a lot easier to just be open and truthful and avoid all the petty BS fighting that comes with lying over piddly meaningless stuff.

nomadiclee
08-07-2011, 03:02 AM
I have to agree with MariaMaria on this one. I would have been really annoyed with him had I been in your shoes, but I think a huge line was crossed when you hit him. The question you should be asking is not whether or not you should leave him, but whether or not you should bother trying to beg for forgiveness.

And I understand if your temper just happens to be like that and that this is your personal problem. I also have a nasty temper, and so I think I may understand at least a bit about how you feel. It's not your fault you have a temper problem. But then at least be apologetic about it. Don't write a whole post about how awful your guy is for overreacting and then casually slip in the fact that you basically assaulted him, like it's no big deal. Instead you could write a post about how awful you feel that you let your temper get so out of control that you smacked someone--and not just anyone. Your boyfriend.

Sorry if that's a bit harsh-- I really want to be supportive on 3fc and I normally live by the rule that if I don't have something nice to say then I should just shut up. But this is a huge deal. I just feel that if we women expect (quite reasonably!) that our boyfriends/husbands have no right to smack us or beat us or whatever, then they should be able to expect the same.

Anyway, I really don't want to be a b*tch or anything, I'm just hoping that maybe you can see this situation in a different light.

Brown
08-07-2011, 03:03 AM
I have a zero tolerance policy for liars. I don't care how small. I figure if someone is going to lie to me about something trivial, they'd definitely lie to me about something important. If I were him, I'd leave you. That sounds cold, but you lied, tried to blame him for calling you out, and then assaulted him. Domestic violence is domestic violence, no matter who hits who.

fitness4life
08-07-2011, 03:36 AM
You punched him? I don't care what it was about or how right you are, you cannot physically hit another and still be right.

You can, however, revisit the problem when he's sober and you're also of "right" mind, and end the relationship properly.

There is NO reason for physical violence between adults. You're both wrong when that happens.

CrystalZ10
08-07-2011, 03:54 AM
You punched him? I don't care what it was about or how right you are, you cannot physically hit another and still be right.

You can, however, revisit the problem when he's sober and you're also of "right" mind, and end the relationship properly.

There is NO reason for physical violence between adults. You're both wrong when that happens.
I agree with this. He had a right to be upset, but being high, there was no way you could have reasoned with him. You should have walked away and talked to him while he wasn't smoking...


My temper is just like that, it could have been anyone. That's my personal problem.
Heck no....total cop out...if you are willing to hit, than you need to get therapy fast and avoid dating until you can handle situations like an adult.

PacSunMama
08-07-2011, 04:01 AM
My temper is just like that, it could have been anyone. That's my personal problem.

I means this in a kind way: you need to take what you wrote, combined with what you did and how he is... And walk away. If you're realistically going to behave that way on a volatile whim, it might be easier to work through that issue without all the extra challenges.

I'd recommend having a no-drug/no-tolerance policy going forward too. You don't catch good fish when you cast with a bad net.

Lovely
08-07-2011, 06:27 AM
It's no longer a personal problem when one adult's hands touch another adult.

Might he have been focused a bit too much on a trivial thing? Perhaps.

However, you did lie (in likely an unnecessary way) and then crossed a line by punching someone. My suggestion would be to politely end the relationship, and work on your reactions to anger without distractions before you end up severely harming someone you love or ending up in trouble with the police.

bargoo
08-07-2011, 09:15 AM
You lied and then hit him. I think he has a problem and the problem is you. A lie is a lie there is no sugarcoating it and hitting him is assault. And he gets high. Ths is a very sick situation, you need to get out of it and you need to learn to cope better. lying and hitting will only get you into trouble.

cortandcooper
08-07-2011, 09:36 AM
I think you should leave him since drug users are losers and there is no positive future with any drug user, but you should also get counselling for responding with violence in a situation that didn't involve self-defense. The lie itself, being so small and lame, is irrelevant, but those other two factors are what matter in the situation.

MaryB75
08-07-2011, 10:55 AM
He overreacted annd behaved poorly, and you assaulted him?

Get out while you still have a clean arrest record.

I agree!! He may have been upset about something trivial but punching him was the most unstable thing I heard in the whole story! He very likely may not know if he wants to be in this relationship after that.

Bellamack
08-07-2011, 11:07 AM
Maybe he should not be getting "high"
Maybe you should have just said "I don't want to listen to it right now"
Maybe a little class in "anger mgmt" would be in order

Ursula745
08-07-2011, 12:06 PM
You are with someone who uses and you don't.
You lied.
You hit him.
You want to walk away.

YOU created this drama. I think you should consider all of that and determine how it is you want to live your life. DRAMA is so draining of energy and joy. Don't create it. Look at what happened and who you are with and figure out who you want to be. You stated he uses and you've never said anything to him about it. Well, sounds like to be you are resenting that. Why be with someone who doesn't have the same values? Take a look at you. Maybe you aren't into him because of many things, but it's not just this incident.

pointless2011
08-07-2011, 02:35 PM
Everyone seems so harsh. I do know where your coming from, and I'm sure you hit him due to other tension that was building up in you. I had an ex boyfriend that smoked weed every day and when ever he didn't have it he would be rude and mean to me and I would just take it but one day(when he was high) he tried to make me look stupid in front of others and I couldn't take it anymore I yelled at him... Never hit him though, cause that's just wrong.

I don't think that weed was the case of getting him mad (people usually tend to be more calm/relaxed, once again idk how your boyfriend is). Try to figure out if you've been doing stuff that he wouldn't like and maybe HE was upset about something else, and when this little "album" thing came up he just freaked out..

pointless2011
08-07-2011, 02:36 PM
+& If you are thinking of talking to him about quitting weed, that's not gunna happen. Just letting you know right now.. How old are you guys anyway? I'm 20

MariaMaria
08-07-2011, 04:17 PM
Everyone seems so harsh.



Really? Switch the sexes and the poster's role.

If a woman were to come in here talking about how okay, she was high, but her boyfriend punched her, the discussion would be about spousal/partner abuse resources, battered women's shelters, police involvement, and restraining orders.

ChubbyCheeks
08-07-2011, 04:24 PM
Really? Switch the sexes and the poster's role.

If a woman were to come in here talking about how okay, she was high, but her boyfriend punched her, the discussion would be about spousal/partner abuse resources, battered women's shelters, police involvement, and restraining orders.

Truthfully, he would never lay his hands on me. It's not how he is.
Idc if he smokes, I was raised around it, I never picked it up, and he was raised like me-- so I know why he does.

I don't think people are being harsh.

Me hitting him was because I lost it. I usually show him the utmost respect in front of his friends, but I felt like it was a dream. I was soo livid.
He kept accusing me of other things because of this and I never done anything but show him respect.

ChubbyCheeks
08-07-2011, 04:25 PM
+& If you are thinking of talking to him about quitting weed, that's not gunna happen. Just letting you know right now.. How old are you guys anyway? I'm 20

when I got into the relationship, he was a steady smoker. I'm not going to try to change him. I knew what I was getting into. We are 19

ChubbyCheeks
08-07-2011, 04:31 PM
I have a zero tolerance policy for liars. I don't care how small. I figure if someone is going to lie to me about something trivial, they'd definitely lie to me about something important. If I were him, I'd leave you. That sounds cold, but you lied, tried to blame him for calling you out, and then assaulted him. Domestic violence is domestic violence, no matter who hits who.

I didn't blame him for calling me out, I just wanted him to drop it because it was 3 years ago when I said I didn't like that particular rapper. I barely KNEW him at the time, and I don't lie about stupid ****, I'm with him all the time, how can I lie?

nomadiclee
08-07-2011, 04:34 PM
The rest of the story became irrelevant when you punched your boyfriend.

pointless2011
08-07-2011, 06:01 PM
Really? Switch the sexes and the poster's role.

If a woman were to come in here talking about how okay, she was high, but her boyfriend punched her, the discussion would be about spousal/partner abuse resources, battered women's shelters, police involvement, and restraining orders.

But it wasn't the case so let's just talk about her situation and not what could've happened.

ChubbyCheeks
08-07-2011, 06:11 PM
Everyone seems so harsh. I do know where your coming from, and I'm sure you hit him due to other tension that was building up in you. I had an ex boyfriend that smoked weed every day and when ever he didn't have it he would be rude and mean to me and I would just take it but one day(when he was high) he tried to make me look stupid in front of others and I couldn't take it anymore I yelled at him... Never hit him though, cause that's just wrong.

I don't think that weed was the case of getting him mad (people usually tend to be more calm/relaxed, once again idk how your boyfriend is). Try to figure out if you've been doing stuff that he wouldn't like and maybe HE was upset about something else, and when this little "album" thing came up he just freaked out..

He was mad because he said -his exact words- "I aint never trusted a b itch before you, and I don't need u lying to me"
His feelings were hurt about this insignificant lie, but I'm telling you, all his friends are hot and I don't even look at them. I'm so loyal to him.

MaryB75
08-07-2011, 07:23 PM
But it wasn't the case so let's just talk about her situation and not what could've happened.

By you saying that we are being harsh about our reaction to her hitting him makes the role reversal comment relevant.

ringmaster
08-07-2011, 11:14 PM
when I was with my ex he would drop little white lies - kinda the same reason, maybe he didn't want to talk about something at the moment. eventually it got me to where I was never sure if he was telling the truth or not- so maybe that's what your boyfriend is thinking, one lie, could there be more? He might be wondering why didn't you just tell him you didn't want to listen to the album at that time. I'm not defending your boyfriend, just giving an example from the other side of things.

ERHR
08-08-2011, 01:56 AM
I think you should leave each other. Your relationship seems to lack respect on both sides. I recommend working on your temper before getting into another relationship.

my2cats
08-08-2011, 02:09 AM
So the timeline here is:

2008 - You said you didn't like a rapper
2011 - You admit to having 3 of the rapper's albums?

I agree hitting him was over the top, but I can't imagine anyone getting that upset about a white lie that happened 3 years ago. I guess it could be flattering he even remembered you said that 3 years ago? :lol:

sacha
08-08-2011, 10:56 AM
Really? Switch the sexes and the poster's role.

If a woman were to come in here talking about how okay, she was high, but her boyfriend punched her, the discussion would be about spousal/partner abuse resources, battered women's shelters, police involvement, and restraining orders.

Yep. What a double standard we have here. This thread is shameful and the OP should have been charged with domestic violence - except men rarely come forward as they are often expected to take the punches.

Kaonashi
08-08-2011, 11:38 PM
OP, I'm not going to lecture you. You're young, and people make mistakes. But you know you have some things you need to work on and you need to work on them NOW, before these behaviors become your "go to" method for dealing with people who frustrate you. Otherwise, you're either going to end up somewhere that you don't want to be, or in a situation with someone similar that might hurt you. And remember this: People who get you worked up to the point where you either a) smack them or b) daydream about smacking them on a daily basis are not people that you need in your life because something is obviously wrong somewhere.

Tanna Banana
08-09-2011, 06:30 AM
People who get you worked up to the point where you . . . b) daydream about smacking them on a daily basis are not people that you need in your life because something is obviously wrong somewhere.

I guess this means I need to quit teaching middle school choir. I often daydream about smacking those silly kids. :dizzy:

OP- You lost your temper and acted impulsively. Lucky it didn't cause you any trouble this time, but as others have mentioned, it's definitely something that needs to be brought under control. It would be truly awful if your BF reached a breaking point and fought back physically, you could really get hurt.

It sounds like you both have some growing up to do. Maybe a hiatus from the relationship can help you reevaluate where you both are as individuals before trying to make it as a couple.

Best wishes.:)

Veal2Steel
08-09-2011, 07:56 AM
Of course it was wrong to hit your boyfriend, but I think there is more to this. I can't imagine you would feel a need to lie over something so trivial unless you have learned it's just easier that way with him.I'd be willing to bet this isn't the first time he acted this way over something so insignificant. I agree with the above poster concerning his drug use. You don't need a "fixer upper"!

Kaonashi
08-10-2011, 03:26 AM
I guess this means I need to quit teaching middle school choir. I often daydream about smacking those silly kids. :dizzy


LOL, I'm sure we ALL have those moments! :carrot:

What I'm referring to is when your partner makes you so angry you see red and you either hit them, or you have to seriously talk yourself out of hitting them. IMO that's not a healthy place to be and if it's happening on a regular basis then you need to take a hard look at yourself AND that relationship.

KellyAF
08-10-2011, 12:13 PM
and I don't lie about stupid ****


I'm sorry, but lying about not liking a rapper just because you didn't want to listen to that album all
day IS stupid. When I was 19 I'm sure I made some pretty stupid decisions in my relationships, but
I never lied, and I NEVER hit anyone.

Lying (especially about something so silly) *will* cause him to not trust you. And a relationship with
out trust is one not worth having. My husband and I have had arguments with each other, but we
NEVER lie, and we NEVER lay a hand on each other. And everyone keeps saying the lie was over
something so trivial.... I'm almost guessing it's not that she lied about not liking that artist... it's that
she LIED IN THE FIRST PLACE. If it is so trivial, WHY LIE ABOUT IT. Relationships are about giving and
taking. If you knew he wanted to listen to that music (even if you truly didn't like it) show that you care
enough to let him hear the music he enjoys. And in turn he should do the same... with music, going out to
eat, a movie. GIVE & TAKE people... not take take take.

It just makes him wonder what else you will lie about in the future. "No honey, I'm not having an affair"
"Yes dear, of course this is your baby." "No, I didn't..... " How would you like it if he lied to you, about
something so 'trivial'? When it is easier to lie to your SO than to be an adult and be honest... well, that's
just it, you're not an adult. You are a child who will do whatever you think will make things easier for you.

In my personal opinion I think you guys should part ways. And you should find yourself, and grow up.
When you are ok with being honest, and not causing physical harm to others (which you could end up in
jail for) then seek another relationship.

Good Luck.

mandalinn82
08-10-2011, 12:39 PM
The OP has gotten a lot of responses, some of which were quite passionate. I think it's time to close this thread.