General chatter - restraining orders




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ringmaster
08-05-2011, 07:56 PM
I'm looking for some info on filing a restraining order against someone that visits where I live... from what I'm reading it may not be possible in NJ. I'm reading you need a relationship with the person and alot of proof for a restraining order to fly in court. Anyway, my story, in case anyone knows if there is anything to get this person to stay away from me.

The person is a minor (16) and a 'friend' my dad met a month or 2 ago; but my dad is in alcoholic mode at the moment so isn't making the best judgments. The person has come in the house and taken things even when I told him I don't want him in the house and that the things he is taken aren't for sale or belong to me or my mother. He said since my dad is giving him permission he can come in and take whatever.

Next, my dad invites him in the yard near where my room is. While I have blinds up it's still kinda easy to look in if you are near the window, plus I have my window open since it's summer. A few times I've caught this person peaking in the window ... I'm not sure if he's looking to peak at me or see what I own in my room, either way I feel my privacy is violated. Again, he said my dad is giving him permission.

Well, today, I asked my dad why don't you and your friend take the bus and go over to the beach (about a 5 minute ride away) to get them out of the house so I could wash up and wash my clothes. His friend responded "Do you know how many people get killed crossing the bridge over to the beach" I'm like LOL ... "then you just take that chance, I go over all the time and I'm taking buses and crossing streets a few times everyday putting my life at risk" he said "then good, you be the one to die crossing over"... for some reason this struck a nerve with me and I told him to just go home. I felt he took my comment and twisted it into something else to just push my buttons. One time I raised my hand; while I wasn't going to actually slap him I thought maybe it would scare him out of the house (probably a mistake on my part, but I was getting so mad). He went on to say if I ever touched him he would kill me and pulled out a knife... I guess he could see I was getting worked up... and I think in a way he was waiting for me to touch him so he could justify doing something to me. Later I noticed someone cut the clothing line in the yard that's used to dry clothes... the person said he didn't do it; but I have a hunch he probably did; but no way to prove it.

I feel threatened; and my mom is here (he pulled the knife out in front of her) and she flipped out and he doesn't listen to her when she asks him to leave. My mom is sick with a mental illness; so I guess he felt he doesn't need to listen to her either. I have called the cops, they said since my dad is inviting him in then it's ok.

I'm in the process of trying to look for a job and stuff..I don't really feel like dealing with this stress, I don't like feeling on edge in my home with someone who threatened to kill me and is carrying a knife, or that might peak in my window while I'm getting dressed or exercising and I don't really want to hear I should go die when I'm already going through a rough time.

So, besides my dad being stupid and letting someone talk to me like this; is there anyway to get some type of restraining order to have this person stay away from me?


JoJoJo2
08-05-2011, 08:27 PM
Hi, Ringmaster:

Do you have any other relatives living nearby? I mean someone like a grandparent, uncle, aunt, older sibling, someone like that who could help?

Do you have a school teacher or school counselor or clergy person or neighbor who could give you good advice?

If you are feeling so threatened, you do need help of some kind, and if your mom and dad can't or won't provide it, you do need to find some help somewhere else.

Sorry I can't offer more help or advice, but I am not acquainted with the laws of NJ. You certainly need someone to talk with about this.

alaskanlaughter
08-05-2011, 08:41 PM
call and report all of this to the police...in case you need to get a restraining order, you will most likely need that report anyhow...definitely be proactive about this and document his behavior, not just with us (which is fine) but also with the police so they are aware of the situation...

his behavior sounds very threatening and sneaky, like the peeking in the window and cutting the clothesline...can you get any of your interactions on a recording? like how some ppl record things on their cell phones? perhaps turn that on the next time you have to interact with him...(wait, is that legal? im not sure)...

you can also report him for theft for taking things from the house....if your dad is giving away things that belong to him, thats one thing...but he can't give this kid permission to take things that belong to you or your mom and that would be theft...

perhaps involving the police would be enough to scare him away?? im not sure...but they need to know what's going on...even print out what you wrote to us to show the police if you dont feel comfortable rehashing the whole thing with them


EZMONEY
08-05-2011, 09:07 PM
How old are you?

If you are a minor call Child Protective Services on your own parents!

bargoo
08-05-2011, 09:31 PM
If he has threatened you, you must report this to the police.

CrystalZ10
08-05-2011, 10:11 PM
How old are you?

If you are a minor call Child Protective Services on your own parents!

Yes this!! Your mom is unable to protect you and your dad seems unwilling at the moment, so protect yourself!

ringmaster
08-06-2011, 01:32 AM
thanks for the replies. I have called the police before (a few weeks ago) but they took 1 1/2 hours to get here and by that time the person left. I asked the officer to talk to him or his parents, but I actually don't think he did. The police officer said since it's my father's house he can invite who he wants over, which is basically true and I'm afraid that might be enough to not have any protection.

I will try going down to the police station (I read actually going there they might take me a bit more seriously) and file a report on the threats, and hopefully they have on record when I called the last time so that might count as a complaint.

I'm a bit surprised in order to file a restraining or protection order you have to have a relationship with the person... what happens if others threaten or hurt you?

alaskanlaughter
08-06-2011, 01:35 AM
thanks for the replies. I have called the police before (a few weeks ago) but they took 1 1/2 hours to get here and by that time the person left. I asked the officer to talk to him or his parents, but I actually don't think he did. The police officer said since it's my father's house he can invite who he wants over, which is basically true and I'm afraid that might be enough to not have any protection.

I will try going down to the police station (I read actually going there they might take me a bit more seriously) and file a report on the threats, and hopefully they have on record when I called the last time so that might count as a complaint.

I'm a bit surprised in order to file a restraining or protection order you have to have a relationship with the person... what happens if others threaten or hurt you?

i second/third the calling state protective services...if they dont take you seriously when you file a report...and where did you get the info on the restraining order?

ringmaster
08-06-2011, 10:37 AM
i second/third the calling state protective services...if they dont take you seriously when you file a report...and where did you get the info on the restraining order?

just from this site; http://www.womenslaw.org/laws_state.php?state_code=NJ

sacal96
08-06-2011, 12:43 PM
Wow. It is unbelievable to me that the police are saying there is nothing that they can do about this. While your father may be inviting him to his home this person is harrassing YOU. Whether invited or not, he has no right to threaten, pull a weapon on, or watch you through a window. I very strongly agree that you should file a police report immediately and give every detail of what he has been doing to you. That along with the complaint you had made earlier would be good evidence.

As far as a restraining or protective order, as far as I can tell you do have to have some sort of relationship with the person. This doesn't make a whole lot of sense, and I'm sure will be changed in time. But if this behavior continues I would file charges against this person. At the very least what he is doing qualifies as harassment. But you could take it a step further with him watching you through the windows and file a complaint on him for Stalking. I know its not the typical stalking case that we all normally think of but looking at the New Jersey state law you can see how it would be considered so.
Here is what the law states:

N.J. Stat. 2C:12-10. Definitions; stalking designated a crime; degrees. (2009)

As used in this act:
(1) "Course of conduct" means repeatedly maintaining a visual or physical proximity to a person; directly, indirectly, or through third parties, by any action, method, device, or means, following, monitoring, observing, surveilling, threatening, or communicating to or about, a person, or interfering with a person's property; repeatedly committing harassment against a person; or repeatedly conveying, or causing to be conveyed, verbal or written threats or threats conveyed by any other means of communication or threats implied by conduct or a combination thereof directed at or toward a person.

(2) "Repeatedly" means on two or more occasions.

(3) "Emotional distress" means significant mental suffering or distress.

(4) "Cause a reasonable person to fear" means to cause fear which a reasonable victim, similarly situated, would have under the circumstances.

Whether or not he has been invited onto the property, it has not been by you, and since the threats and comments and actions have taken place against you, you would be completely justified. And if he did get convicted of stalking then he would immediately have a permanent restraining order placed on him. So if all else fails I guess this could be an option.

Here's the site where I found that and it has the one for harassment too. http://www.ncvc.org/src/main.aspx?dbID=DB_NewJersey157

So sorry that you're having to go through this! Hope it gets better for you soon!!

redbutton
08-06-2011, 04:43 PM
Hi, I'm sorry you're going through this.

I used to work for a domestic violence crisis agency, and would suggest you contact your local one. You can google the "National Domestic Violence Hotline" and they have a great site with a hotline.

I suggest this if you are already 18 or older. If you are underage, yes, absolutely call Child Protective Services, or confide in an adult.

If you are 18 or older, I suggest calling a domestic violence agency, even if this may not fall technically under their scope of work, they do have experience filing restraining orders, it's confidential, and usually people who work for these places have a passion like nobody's business and will go out of their way to help you or guide you the right way. They have experience with the courts and dealing with the police.

It sounds like your parents have troubles, and although they must love you, their own illnesses may prevent them from being able to protect you. Find help and keep us updated.

bargoo
08-06-2011, 05:15 PM
Have you told the police that he threatened you pulled out a knife? You must tell the police this, it is not enough to ask for a restraining order. Doesn't matter who he is or why he is there, police must be made aware of this.I can't stress this enough, the police MUST be told that he threatened you.

EagleRiverDee
08-06-2011, 05:38 PM
They guy pulled a KNIFE on you. If the cops are saying that's okay because he's invited by your dad, that's insane. That is all a judge should need to know, is that this guy threatened you. In addition, the fact that he is stealing from your house should add weight to that. You should press criminal charges against this guy for pulling a knife on you, and you should seek a restraining order.

DezziePS
08-06-2011, 06:17 PM
Why is your dad hanging out with 16 year old boys? Did you tell your dad that this guy threatened you with a knife? And he's still inviting him over?

bargoo
08-06-2011, 06:50 PM
If the police won't listen to you you must find someone who will. Are you still in school? if so, go to a teacher or counselor and tell them you have been threatened with a knife. Do you go to church ? If so, go to the pastor and tell them what you told us. I have a feeling you asked the police about a restraining order when you should have asked for this guy to be arrested for threatening you with a knife. Do you have a doctor? tell him/her that you have been threatened. It is crucial that you tell many people with authority what has happened. They must report it to the police.

ringmaster
08-06-2011, 07:56 PM
thanks sacal96, that might apply for this. I did file a police report today, since I figured it's better to be safe than sorry over the weekend. then I have to go the court Monday so I'll see what they say.

The cop filing the report said pretty much the same thing as last time, it's my dad's house and he can invite who he wants over. Even with the pulling the knife and saying he would kill me; I think the cop thought I was overreacting. He asked was it just a small pocket knife and I said NO it was a bit bigger, like a hunting knife; but even a quick stab to the face, neck or heart with a small pocket knife and I could get hurt.

I don't know why my dad is hanging out with 16 year olds; this past year he fell back into drinking, lost his job, won't look for work, won't get any help for himself. He's really changed; he wasn't always like this. I guess noone else wants to be bothered with him so he figures the 16 year old isn't judging him. I have no idea why this young guy wants to hang out around here though.

Thanks for all the suggestions...it's really a help (since the cops aren't much help).

EZMONEY
08-06-2011, 11:28 PM
I really don't understand why you are having so much trouble with the police on this matter but after all the advice given and your answers back I assume that you are an adult and older than the boy in question.

That may be part of it....they may feel he is a kid and you are not.

Prayers for safety.

fitness4life
08-07-2011, 11:28 PM
Ringmaster, just what is going on? You don't directly answer Qs that ask about age. You've been on this web site since 2009. I'm a little suspicious that a minor would have found this site at age 16 and keep posting for 2 years. Anyone younger is even more unusual.

So that makes me suspect you are over age 18. I don't know you, obviously, but how the heck can a 16 year old be coming into your house and getting away with any of this? There is something more you are keeping from us.

This whole story, as it was told, has dysfunction written all over it. Yet, the posters who suggested agencies to help with the dysfunction were ignored.

I'm sorry, but either you're too ill with dysfunction to see it for what it is and seek proper help, or your story is simply a "story".

If the original Q is simply to get info on restraining orders my advice to you is to forget it. It's a simple piece of paper that won't protect you in any way, shape or form. It's a waste of time.

astrophe
08-07-2011, 11:40 PM
I'm so sorry you are going through this.

Def keep reporting to the police. But this guy isn't respecting boundaries... who knows if he'd respect a restraining order. Get one, but... figure out plan B for getting you AWAY from there. Parents don't seem to be helping/helpful in this situation.

I don't know how old you are, but call someone somewhere. Child protection. Elder abuse if you feel your mom is also threatened... your church, your teacher... tell someone. Maybe even look into moving OUT into a women's shelter? Domestic violence is never pleasant.

http://www.speakoutloud.net/articles/ has a lot of articles.

And the LINKS area may help you find resources wherever it is you are.

I hope it doesn't come to it but next time that happens call 911 -- pulling a knife is scary!

GL!
A.

ringmaster
08-08-2011, 12:46 PM
Ringmaster, just what is going on? You don't directly answer Qs that ask about age. You've been on this web site since 2009. I'm a little suspicious that a minor would have found this site at age 16 and keep posting for 2 years. Anyone younger is even more unusual.

So that makes me suspect you are over age 18. I don't know you, obviously, but how the heck can a 16 year old be coming into your house and getting away with any of this? There is something more you are keeping from us.

This whole story, as it was told, has dysfunction written all over it. Yet, the posters who suggested agencies to help with the dysfunction were ignored.

I'm sorry, but either you're too ill with dysfunction to see it for what it is and seek proper help, or your story is simply a "story".

If the original Q is simply to get info on restraining orders my advice to you is to forget it. It's a simple piece of paper that won't protect you in any way, shape or form. It's a waste of time.

lol..it's ok, I know the situation is an unusual one; I haven't found anyone else with all this going on in their life either. Since it is a unique case, I don't know where to really turn. At the moment I don't have a church, teacher or that sort of support to talk to. Even though I didn't respond to everyone, I did thank everyone for their suggestions and I am using them. After cooling off a bit and asking my mom what she would be ok with me doing (as far as pressing charges , etc); my mom made a point it's not exactly this guy's fault - it's really my dad's drinking, and his behavior allowing this kid to think it's ok to do these things here. In the end, it's my dad that really needs the help.

As for why this person can get away with it, while it's where I call home, it is not my house.

yes, I am an adult. I was a bit surprised people thought I was a minor, but I can understand how it can come off that way. While I'm living here (place I should be calling home), I do also look after my mom here; I cook for her, go to the store and places for her and with her. This just started happening this past year with my dad, so it was unexpected. He was sober for 20+ years, working and 'normal', so we weren't prepared for all of this. A good part of this year we were trying to get my dad help and praying he would snap out of it and get some help.

I knew if I replied I'm an adult everyone would say to "just leave". Since we (mom and me, and also my 2 cats) don't have anywhere else or anyone else to stay with, leaving is easier said than done.

nina125
08-08-2011, 01:04 PM
I was in a similar situation growing up. Not quite the same as yours, but similar. My dad traveled a lot on business, and my mom would let her dead-beat brother stay with us to help around the house because she is one of those helpless damsel-in-distress kind of women who always needed someone to do things for her. My uncle never had a job ever, and had dubious ways of getting cash. He also had a drinking problem that had me and my sister walking on egg shells most of our childhood. One minute he would be all fun and laughter, the next minute he would be yelling and berating us for something or the other. My mom never stepped in to defended us because she always had trouble drawing boundaries with people.

Anyway, the situation resolved itself when my dad got transferred to a different country and my mom, sister & I moved. I was a kid and there was nothing I could have really done.. and the only thing that worked for me was "I left".

"Just leave" is probably easier said than done, however it is a much easier solution than trying to stick around hoping that your dad will change or that the kid would go away. And trust me, leaving will be much easier once you have a plan.

alaskanlaughter
08-08-2011, 01:26 PM
lol..it's ok, I know the situation is an unusual one; I haven't found anyone else with all this going on in their life either. Since it is a unique case, I don't know where to really turn. At the moment I don't have a church, teacher or that sort of support to talk to. Even though I didn't respond to everyone, I did thank everyone for their suggestions and I am using them. After cooling off a bit and asking my mom what she would be ok with me doing (as far as pressing charges , etc); my mom made a point it's not exactly this guy's fault - it's really my dad's drinking, and his behavior allowing this kid to think it's ok to do these things here. In the end, it's my dad that really needs the help.


have the police been notified? have you filed a report? even if you have no support system, you can still call state protective services on behalf of your mother, who suffers from mental illness right? there are services for that...you can also call domestic violence hotlines or shelters to help you work through this with the police...they may even take you more seriously if you arrive at police dept with a domestic violence advocate

and no its not dad's fault that this guy acted like that...while dad may have given him permission to come around, due to dad's drinking/poor judgement, the guy CHOSE to threaten you, he CHOSE to pull a knife, dad did not do that nor did dad's drinking do that, the other person chose to do those things...

Butterfly50
08-08-2011, 01:36 PM
Kinda sounds like this boy is only comming around because he knows that your father will be drinking and he can get things from him and make easy money on the side by selling it or what ever he is doing with it. I would call the hotlines up all they can do is tell you No sorry they can't help but what if by chance they can. Why not give it a shot to get rid of this boy....

mzKiki
08-08-2011, 04:05 PM
Hi Ringmaster. 1st off sorry you're going through this right now. I too live in NJ and as insane as it is you can only get a restraining order against someone you have had a romantic relationship with.
I found this out after being stalked and harassed by a boyfriends scorned child's mother! However, I was able to file a report against her and took her to court (without a restraining order) for making terroristic threats against me and she left me alone after she saw I was willing to get the police involved.
However, what I do know is that if someone pulled a knife on you that is a CRIME. A knife is a deadly weapon and he can be arrested for that. Don't just let it go. Also know that your dad can be arrested if he's giving a 16 yr old alcohol or allowing him to drink in his home.
I say keep calling 911 and keep going to the police station until you get someone to listen to you.
Good luck.

EagleRiverDee
08-08-2011, 05:23 PM
Yeah I'm still at a loss as to how the NJ police think that it's okay for the guy to pull a knife on you because he was invited by your dad. What??? It's NEVER okay- and it's always illegal- to threaten someone with a deadly weapon.

ringmaster
08-08-2011, 08:09 PM
have the police been notified? have you filed a report? even if you have no support system, you can still call state protective services on behalf of your mother, who suffers from mental illness right? there are services for that...you can also call domestic violence hotlines or shelters to help you work through this with the police...they may even take you more seriously if you arrive at police dept with a domestic violence advocate

and no its not dad's fault that this guy acted like that...while dad may have given him permission to come around, due to dad's drinking/poor judgement, the guy CHOSE to threaten you, he CHOSE to pull a knife, dad did not do that nor did dad's drinking do that, the other person chose to do those things...

I filed a report Saturday on the teenager pulling the knife and making a verbal threat.]'
'

Today I filed another report on somethings I found out were stolen and sold over the weekend - and I have shipping emails as proof that they were bought with my own money so I'm going to try pressing charges on my father for that (might still be hard since the police need proof, but my father admits to selling my things, so worth a shot).

I asked my mom how she would feel about me calling adult protective services for her awhile ago; since I thought they might remove my dad and force him to get help - but she is worried they will actually ask her to leave and go to a shelter. I did call a local crisis hotline a few weeks ago to then see if adult protection could apply to my father, but they said since alcohol is involved they won't come here to evaluate him.

I'm looking up domestic violence lines now - trying to stick to state ones (instead of just local/county ones).

SouthLake
08-09-2011, 02:23 PM
Another thought- could you call CPS on behalf of the boy? If he is underage, spending time with an alcoholic, etc. could you argue that his welfare is in danger and his family situation needs to be investigated?

ringmaster
08-09-2011, 04:50 PM
Another thought- could you call CPS on behalf of the boy? If he is underage, spending time with an alcoholic, etc. could you argue that his welfare is in danger and his family situation needs to be investigated?

yeah, I thought of that. I don't have his exact address though, and I have tried looking it up (was going to go down and talk to his parents at one point, even before the knife incident). I'm not sure if his parents are even aware he is here all the time. I have wondered what's up with his family life though, since it seems like he's getting father attention from my dad that maybe is lacking in his own home.

ringmaster
08-14-2011, 05:40 PM
well, like this can get any weirder. I did some detective work and got the kid's address and did call child protective services on his family. On Friday 2 very nice women went to go talk to his parents; then they came here and talked to me and they understood exactly where I was coming from - from the minor hanging out with my dad, from the kid being really drawn to this house, to being threatened with the knife where I live. They said his mom took his knife/knives away and they called the cops on my behalf to also go there to talk to his parents.

sounds good, right? Well, this kid's dad came around to my home a few hours after the cops and child protection services left and yelled at me why did I call. I know it's bad to lie, but I just said it wasn't me that called (hehe). Holy smokes...the dad is just like the kid, I shouldn't be surprised, but I was. Talking to his dad was just going in circles (like talking to the kid is). I basically tried to reason with his dad that my own father has a drinking problem, my dad is stealing my things for alcohol and the kid being here isn't helping and it's not good for his kid to be learning this behavior from my dad. His dad went on to say it's my dad's house, if I have a fear of knives tell him to just put it away (I did tell him I don't have a fear of knives, it's just being threatened with one and then having to keep walk around the person that threatened to use it on me) if there's a problem with his kid here to go to him and escort the kid home, not to call the cops and dyfs. we talked for about an hour but in the end; his dad didn't see my side at all and thought it was ok for his son to be here.

Saturday and today roll around... and I can't believe it, but the kid is still here. I guess I'm just shocked someone had the cops and child protection services at their door telling them their kid shouldn't be hanging out here all the time...but his parents are still allowing it. I bought some pepper spray to have on me just in case now.

so just wanted to update... although it's a serious situation, I just have to find it funny that even the cops and child protection services can't get this kid away from me, my dad and this house.

Lovely
08-14-2011, 06:07 PM
This is all so crazy, Ringmaster. :hug:

It's good to see that you're taking steps and going through the proper channels to report all these incidents.

Even if leaving is easier said then done, have a plan to get out. Saving up, or looking for opportunities elsewhere.

Get yourself out safely.

EagleRiverDee
08-14-2011, 06:26 PM
I feel sorry for the kid now. With a father that decides to blame everyone ELSE and not hold his child accountable...the kid is not going to learn to hold himself accountable either. Everything will always be someone else's fault. The fact that the man doesn't understand that he should keep his son away from an alcoholic adult that allows him to steal and to threaten family members with violence...wow.