Weight Loss Support - unsupportive sister...




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thelostfoodie
07-30-2011, 09:09 PM
Hi chickies!

I'm new to posting on this site, but today I really need some insight :?: I have an older sister who will be a second year in college (I'll be a freshman :)) who is a bit overweight (but still much less than me). I've been on a strict plan since the beginning of summer, but my sister stocks our freezer with choco fudge brownie ice cream. I had some for breakfast this morning and again just now. I've already lost 10 lbs in a safe healthy way, but I don't want to gain it back just because my house is full of tempting treats. I've asked her not to bring them into the house until we go to our respective colleges in the fall and my father has asked the family to support me. While I don't want her to feel like I'm imposing my strict diet onto her, I don't want to be constantly derailed...so I threw the ice cream out. If the food is there, I'll eat it...

Do any of you have family members like this? I don't want her to get in trouble with the parents, and I don't want to keep wasting her money either... Any advice on how to confront her peacefully?


ChubbyCheeks
07-30-2011, 09:23 PM
You made the decision to go on a diet, she didn't.
You have to pull out your inner will-power to stop yourself from eating her food,
she has the right to keep what she wants in the fridge, and it's very insensitive, but what can you do really.

But I do support giving her a push into joining you with your diet.
Never a bad side to being healthy.

Do you think she is being insensitive by bringing it into the house? I do.
She's making it harder on you than dieting already is.

SMSDREAMER2007
07-30-2011, 09:28 PM
Ask her to get a mini fridge/freezer and keep it in her room. She will probably need one for college anyway. Or ask her to buy it, keep it in a brown paper bag and in the back that way you don't know its there. Out of sight out of mind.


TL0812
07-30-2011, 09:30 PM
It is hard and it really sucks, but you have to make the decision to make good choices for yourself. All you can do is ask her to be supportive but if she isn't willing then you can't force her.

I've found since my weight loss has become more obvious my family is inspired to make better choices too!

You've lost 10 pounds even with the temptations around, just think of what you will be able to do when that temptation is no longer there!

bargoo
07-30-2011, 09:33 PM
You didn't have the right to throw her food out. She has the same right to eat what she wants as you do. How would you feel if she threw your food out ?

KatieC87
07-30-2011, 09:46 PM
Ah... While your sister is being insensitive to your efforts to be healthy, I don't think you should have thrown her food out. It's one thing to be supportive. It's another to put your own wants aside completely for another person.

I'm dieting. My husband isn't. Do I wish he would stop buying fudge rounds and keeping them in plain sight? Yes. But he has the right to eat whatever he wants. He's not the one who's overweight and struggling to get healthy; I am. So, instead of turning into a shrew, I simply keep 60 calorie Jell-O chocolate puddings in the fridge. Do they taste as good as fudge rounds? Heck to the no. But I have to learn will power if I'm ever going to make this work.

You have to learn will power. What will you do if you get to college and your roommate is a sweets junkie and keeps a ton of sweets in your shared mini fridge? What will you do when you get a job and the office has parties where all kinds of high-fat treats abound? You can't go around throwing out the office cupcakes or your roommates candy bars.

I have sympathy for you. Really, I do. But I think it's absurd to expect the people around you to diet right along with you. If my brother threw my food out because he was dieting when we both lived at home, I would have socked him one!

MariaMaria
07-30-2011, 09:48 PM
You don't get to control what other people eat, or what other people buy to eat.

I think you were wrong to throw out the ice cream, and I think you need to either replace it (and not mess with anyone else's property moving forward) or reimburse your sister.

firefoxy
07-30-2011, 09:59 PM
I agree with what most people are saying. It's a test of will. It sucks when family members (or roommates) have tempting food when you're trying to resist, but there's not much you can do. If your family already is trying to support you, then you can let them know that having those kinds of foods around does hurt your weight loss. However, since they're not on diets, it's best to just ask them to put everything away where you can't see it. Don't leave bags of chips on the counter, put the ice cream in the back of the freezer, etc.

Good luck!

xxkaleidoscopic
07-30-2011, 10:05 PM
You shouldn't have thrown her food out. I'd be pissed if someone did that to me, demand they pay for it, and then go out and buy a new one.

Your whole life will be filled with temptations. If you go to work, and someone brings in donuts, are you going to throw all of them out, because someone was "insensitive" enough to bring them for the whole office?

kaplods
07-30-2011, 10:18 PM
Your sister bringing food she wants to eat into the house she's living in, isn't being unsupportive of you. It's living her life the way she wants to (even if you don't agree with it, and she has the right to make her own food choices without needing your permission). If she's tries to bully you into eating what you don't want to - that's unsupportive. Having food she wants to eat in the house she is livin in, is completely reasonable behavior.


Are you going to have a roommate or housmates in college? Are you going to eat or throw away their food or demand they not bring certain foods into the house or dorm room?

That's not going to work very well. People are going to be very upset if you eat their food or throw it away without asking, and if you try to tell them what they can or can't bring into the house, you're going to have some serious problems.

You might think "That's different, I would never think of touching or eating a roommate's food.". Then why would you eat your sister's food?

If you are going to be living with other people, think of it as practicing self-control around other people's food now, because food issues with room mates get ugly. I brought a dorm fridge and my freshman room mate didn't. I told her she was welcome to share the fridge and the first thing she said was that I wasn't to eat any food she put in the fridge (it made me regret offering to share the fridge). I never would have dreamed of eating her food, but that one unfriendly exchange really set the tone for the relationship. I avoided my dorm room as much as possible, because I hated the rude room mate (she made a lot of other demands and paranoid comments so it was more than the fridge issue, but I saw a lot of room mates having rocky relationships over food issues).

Use a sharpie marker and write your sister's name on any food in the house that she brings in. Pretend it's a room mate you have never met and are rooming with for the summer - every time you go to eat her food, imagine what a college room mate would say if they came home and found their food missing.

If you're going to be living alone, you get to dictate what comes into your living space, but when you live with others you can't ask everyone to change their habits to suit you (well you can ask, but most aren't going to).

sontaikle
07-31-2011, 12:24 AM
You need to learn to live with temptation around you. It'll always be there unfortunately, but you can build up the willpower to resist it. Think of this time with the temptations in your own house as a test for the future.

Your sister didn't choose to change her lifestyle and it's very rude of you to impose your changes on her and it was EXTREMELY rude of you to throw her food out! If YOU want to change your life, that's great (and you should be proud of the weight you've lost) but forcing your sister on that path won't help her at all.

I'm changing my lifestyle. My family isn't. There is SO MUCH junk food around me each and every day that it's ridiculous. I have to dodge my family constantly offering me more portions at meals and always wanting to go out. I've learned to resist the temptations in the house and learn the magic word of "no."

The world we live in will not change to adapt to our lifestyles, we must work to ensure that we can continue to live healthy lives in a world so bent on making us unhealthy.

MaryB75
07-31-2011, 01:11 AM
That was not a nice thing to do, I agree with everyone else about that. If I was her I would be furious. Like someone else mentioned, she is not on a diet and can eat what she wants. My husband is not on a diet so I just have to make a choice whether to eat what he has or what I know will help me lose weight. My sister even asked me if I was ok to cut a chocolate pie for guests at her house the other day (she was busy and she knows chocolate is my weakness) That wasn't insensitive if her to have it there or to ask me to serve it. You just have to learn to have the will power to make the choice that is right for you and not try to control what other people in your life are doing.

lin43
07-31-2011, 07:20 AM
Ah... While your sister is being insensitive to your efforts to be healthy, I don't think you should have thrown her food out. It's one thing to be supportive. It's another to put your own wants aside completely for another person.

I'm dieting. My husband isn't. Do I wish he would stop buying fudge rounds and keeping them in plain sight? Yes. But he has the right to eat whatever he wants. He's not the one who's overweight and struggling to get healthy; I am. So, instead of turning into a shrew, I simply keep 60 calorie Jell-O chocolate puddings in the fridge. Do they taste as good as fudge rounds? Heck to the no. But I have to learn will power if I'm ever going to make this work.

You have to learn will power. What will you do if you get to college and your roommate is a sweets junkie and keeps a ton of sweets in your shared mini fridge? What will you do when you get a job and the office has parties where all kinds of high-fat treats abound? You can't go around throwing out the office cupcakes or your roommates candy bars.

I have sympathy for you. Really, I do. But I think it's absurd to expect the people around you to diet right along with you. If my brother threw my food out because he was dieting when we both lived at home, I would have socked him one!


Ditto! I couldn't have said this better. BTW, my husband also does not have (and never has had) a weight problem, and although he is not a big junk food eater, he does like to keep some treats in the house for when the mood strikes him (he can keep a chocolate bar in the house for a month; why can't I do that!).

lin43
07-31-2011, 07:23 AM
The world we live in will not change to adapt to our lifestyles . . .

I think this is the biggest take-a-way lesson for the OP (and for all of us). We cannot change others. We can only change ourselves.

sacha
07-31-2011, 08:13 AM
I'm sure your sister will forgive you but kick your butt if you do it again. Sisters do this stuff all the time. Just don't do it again ;)

So, now what? You can't really do this again. Why not write on some tape "X's ice cream!!" (your sister's name) so you can look at that every time you peek inside the freezer (or don't look in the freezer!). A humorous solution to your problem. I'm sure your sister won't mind.

I've lost 40lbs (twice...). My sister is still around 250lbs and will continue to be so for a long time, by her choice. Just as you have the right not to eat it, she has the right to eat it. The power comes from within you. This is NOT the first time you will face this - now, as a mother, I must supply endless amounts of delicious full-fat cheeses, breads, avocados, creams, for my 14 month old. We need to learn restraint !Good luck.

thelostfoodie
07-31-2011, 09:55 AM
Thank you all for opening my eyes. I've guess I've been so wrapped up in my own weight loss that I became insensitive to others. I WOULDN'T do this to my dorm roomate, or anyone else outside the family, so kaplods, you're right: why throw out or eat my sister's stuff?!?!? Ugh.

Well, I talked to her about it. She wasn't mad and I promised her not to do it again and that I won't pressure what she brings into the house. It's her prerogative. It's just a matter of my willpower, PMSing or not! hahaha

I came here to post, expecting some sympathy...what I got instead was much better. Initially, I was upset being told that I was wrong until I looked at the situation objectively, and then from my sister's perspective. Again, thanks for making me do so. My older sis and l are better off for it!!! :D

fatferretfanatic
07-31-2011, 10:12 AM
That's the spirit. It sucks to see that maybe you've been approaching this the wrong way, but you know, it's great to see something else come to light and help the situation. Recognize the other things your sister might do to help you-words of encouragement, etc. I recently quit smoking. Before I quit smoking, I'd see other smokers quit and say, "Great job!", but I'd still be smoking it up because I wasn't ready to quit. If someone had grabbed my smokes out of my hand and threw them away, I'd probably have gotten quite mad or vice versa. But, I quit when I was ready and things are great!

KatieC87
07-31-2011, 10:22 AM
Thank you all for opening my eyes. I've guess I've been so wrapped up in my own weight loss that I became insensitive to others. I WOULDN'T do this to my dorm roomate, or anyone else outside the family, so kaplods, you're right: why throw out or eat my sister's stuff?!?!? Ugh.

Well, I talked to her about it. She wasn't mad and I promised her not to do it again and that I won't pressure what she brings into the house. It's her prerogative. It's just a matter of my willpower, PMSing or not! hahaha

I came here to post, expecting some sympathy...what I got instead was much better. Initially, I was upset being told that I was wrong until I looked at the situation objectively, and then from my sister's perspective. Again, thanks for making me do so. My older sis and l are better off for it!!! :D

Great attitude! I was really worried that you might take our advice the wrong way and run from 3FC. This is a great community, and as you can see, you'll always receive honest advice here, which makes it the perfect place to find support! I hope you stick around for a long time.

And I'm really glad you talked to your sister and worked everything out. :)

kaplods
07-31-2011, 12:22 PM
I came here to post, expecting some sympathy...what I got instead was much better. Initially, I was upset being told that I was wrong until I looked at the situation objectively, and then from my sister's perspective. Again, thanks for making me do so. My older sis and l are better off for it!!! :D


Glad it worked out, but don't think that you didn't get a whole lot of sympathy with the advice, too. Even though most of us told you what you SHOULD do, don't think that all of us have always been, or even now are perfect in doing the "shoulds" in our own lives.


I was raised in a household in which all food brought into the house was usually considered fair game for everyone. Unless you wrote your name on restaurant leftovers, they were considered community property. If you bought a bag of treats to take to work or school you had to tape a note to the items or go to every member in the household and say "don't eat these, they are for......" The note was the most reliable method, lest someone "forget."

Even now, when we get together we always share food, to the point it's kind of silly. My hubby of nearly 9 years is still creeped out by how we offer and ask to taste food from each others plates - or pass around a beverage to taste. Hubby's mom is a germaphobe, so he was definitely raised in a "no-sharing" home. He won't even eat day-old leftovers because they "might have gone bad."


Knowing what to do and doing it aren't always the same thing. I still have problems sometimes eating food that my husband and I agreed were to be considered his and off-limits to me. We keep finding and adjusting strategies to make it easier for me to keep my lips to myself (well for eating, anyway).


I write his name on things I don't want to have and I'd ask permission before eating anything I had put his name on it. Hubby didn't like this at first, because he said "you don't need my permission," and I said "Yes, I do - this is for me, not for you." Now if I do ask, he does say "are you sure you want it," (because I asked him to. He's not forbidding me, it was something I asked him to say). Sometimes I say, "You know, I really don't it was just calling to me." Other times I'll say "yes, I do want it, I'm planning it into my calories."

We also "hide" my trigger foods on the top shelf of the walk-in pantry. I know roughly where the foods are (on the top shelf, out of my reach), but not being able to see or reach them does help me forget they're there. To reach them, I have to go get a stepstool (deliberately not left in the closet), bring it back, and then retrieve the food. The several seconds it takes to do that, usually reminds me how foolish I'm being, and if it doesn't I never bring the whole packaged of treats with me, just one small serving. Then I put the step stool away. To eat a second serving, I have to get out the step stool again.

I won't lie, I have gotten snacks from the top shelf occasionally (but not often), but I've never yet (knock on wood) gone for a second helping.

That's not to say I've never eaten snacks I shouldn't. My husband doesn't always remember to put his snacks where I can't reach them - and while it's my responsibility to avoid the food, not his to hide it - I don't always do what I know I should.

Knowing what to do is the first step, actually doing it is often harder.

shr1nk1ngme
07-31-2011, 02:29 PM
I am still a huge fan of the "get a mini-fridge" club. Maybe you could buy it for her as a gift? If you are on a tight budget, maybe you could look on Craigslist and see if you can find a more affordable one. Then your sister can keep her treats out of (your) sight, out of (your) mind - AND she will have a new fridge. Win-win! :)

kaplods
07-31-2011, 03:10 PM
I am still a huge fan of the "get a mini-fridge" club. Maybe you could buy it for her as a gift? If you are on a tight budget, maybe you could look on Craigslist and see if you can find a more affordable one. Then your sister can keep her treats out of (your) sight, out of (your) mind - AND she will have a new fridge. Win-win! :)


The problem with mini-fridges is that most do not have a very big freezer compartment. The ones I've used and seen barely hold big enough to store a small, specially made ice cube tray and one or two popsicles or frozen burritos. If you can find one that fits one or two small lean cuisine dinners, you're lucky. I've only ever seen one that would hold even a pint of icecream.

There are larger mini-fridges and small mini-freezers, but I think if OP were to buy one or both, it would make more sense for her to buy and use it herself. That way she doesn't have to look at everyone else's food all day, and she can take it to college with her.

Right now, OP wouldn't even have to keep all her food in there, she could just plan out what she wanted to eat the next day, and then either the night before or the morning of, put that food in her mini-fridge.

At most, she'd have to go to the family fridge once a day to stock her own fridge.

JoJoJo2
07-31-2011, 04:42 PM
Lots of great advice here, and I think we can all learn something from this thread. After all, we all keep learning, don't we? :wave:

ChubbyCheeks
07-31-2011, 04:49 PM
Great attitude! I was really worried that you might take our advice the wrong way and run from 3FC. This is a great community, and as you can see, you'll always receive honest advice here, which makes it the perfect place to find support! I hope you stick around for a long time.

And I'm really glad you talked to your sister and worked everything out. :)

I did too! I thought people were being a little harsh and bossy! Myself included! But we didn't mean it that way and she took it perfectly. Love to hear it!

ChubbyCheeks
07-31-2011, 04:56 PM
To be honest, I am having trouble with family support too. My dad thinks women should be thicker so he's completely against my diet.
He keeps laughing at my attempts, making me feel REALLY stupid.
He keeps trying to take me to McDonald's -my vice-. And I don't NEED for him to be there for me in this. I'm doing well on my own. It's just that he's rubbing good food in my face. Like literally.
I get too pissed to even be tempted to eat it. Which I guess is a good thing.
I keep telling him he's horrible but we end up laughing it off.

xxkaleidoscopic
07-31-2011, 06:14 PM
Glad you understood. 3FC is a very supportive community, and no one in any way would want you to feel as though we are unsympathetic. Everyone feels exactly as you did at one point or another!

RudeImp
08-01-2011, 12:14 AM
you need to control your cravings..I know its hard in starting..
but it will make you more strong...
be focused and keep your will power strong

sheramama
08-01-2011, 12:31 AM
Can you get some "diet" food, like low cal fudge pops or such and keep them next to hers? That way when you open the freezer, you can grab curb your sweet tooth too.

sacha
08-01-2011, 06:41 AM
Hey, we all understand :) Unless she's living under a rock, there's not one chick here who hasn't faced something similar, and then there are those that deal with it daily. We sympathize!! We just have to tell you (and OURSELVES) that it's our problem only! Eek.

fitwayoflife
08-01-2011, 05:23 PM
To be honest, I am having trouble with family support too. My dad thinks women should be thicker so he's completely against my diet.
He keeps laughing at my attempts, making me feel REALLY stupid.
He keeps trying to take me to McDonald's -my vice-. And I don't NEED for him to be there for me in this. I'm doing well on my own. It's just that he's rubbing good food in my face. Like literally.
I get too pissed to even be tempted to eat it. Which I guess is a good thing.
I keep telling him he's horrible but we end up laughing it off.

When he tells you women should be thicker and takes you to McDonald's, ask him if women should have heart attacks, diabetes, strokes, early death?

ray89
08-01-2011, 05:37 PM
One of my mottos is "The world is not going to put the cookies(or in your case, the ice cream lol) away for you to lose weight!" So you just have to plain say no to stuff. My house is full of junkfood 24\7 and my sister eats candy around me all the time, and I haven't touched any junk stuff the whole month of july. I was just sick of telling myself no and then eating stuff.
So now its just plain NO! No matter what for me. :)

christine123
08-01-2011, 06:14 PM
I work in an office where I sit right next to the giant bowl full of fun size candy bars. Chocolate bars are my weakness. And we have every single kind. We can't move the bowl because it's there for guests. I am tempted all day long. And I have to come to work everyday, so I don't have much of a choice but to avoid it and remind myself why I am doing this. But yes, temptation is all around. Some days are easier than others, but I have to be able to walk away from it.

thelostfoodie
08-03-2011, 05:46 AM
I agree that my willpower is stronger than my cravings and so far, I haven't touched any of her treats again :) I knew you girls would be sympathetic or I wouldn't have posted here. It's great to be able to converse with people who understand what you're going through. Thanks for all the comments; they've really helped me stay strong!

Angie
08-03-2011, 10:13 AM
Use a sharpie marker and write your sister's name on any food in the house that she brings in. Pretend it's a room mate you have never met and are rooming with for the summer - every time you go to eat her food, imagine what a college room mate would say if they came home and found their food missing.

Ditto this -- it just doesn't belong to you, and therefore you can't eat it. That's how it will be in college and later, if you have roommates after college.

I think it's too bad she doesn't want to support you, but she is priming you for college life, you'll be faced with a lot of temptation there. Good job on your first 10lbs and I hope you see the next 10 go quickly! How much to you want to lose overall?

Munchy
08-03-2011, 11:10 AM
What helps for me is planning all meals/snacks and only looking into the fridge to get those meals. If I have to be in the kitchen or make a snack/meal for my daughter, for example, I chew gum while I do it. That curbs the mindless "tastes."

neon_zephyr
08-04-2011, 12:02 AM
You seem pretty serious about wanting to lose weight and that's a great thing! So, I'm going to be blunt and straightforward in my reply; it does no one any good to enable the bad habits, but we can all help each other learn and develop good ones, I believe :)

If you can't learn to resist temptation, you will always struggle -- not just with your weight but with your resolve on anything that triggers the poor eating choices, too. Now sounds like a great time to try to learn how to be strong. You can't ask the whole world to change so that you don't have to do something hard, but you can find the strength inside of yourself and the willpower to make good choices. It's not your sister's job to be your strength for you. Her purchase of ice cream in the face of your weight struggle might have been insensitive, but it's not like she served it to you or tantalizingly and teasingly ate it in front of you while you salivated. Remember that you are the one that committed to the weight loss, not your sister and that this is your journey. I don't think it's right that you threw your sister's ice cream out just so you wouldn't have to be tempted and I do think that you should replace it. I can understand why you did so, though. Have some compassion for yourself, but be honest about the sustainability of your strategies toward achieving your goal.

A better deterrent would be to put an unflattering photo of yourself on the fridge or kitchen door, with a caption asking yourself, "Will this food item help me lose weight? Make healthy choices!" I posted such a photo on my own kitchen as well as a weight and measurement chart of my own progress so I could condition myself to pause and think before making a poor food choice for the sake of convenience of emotional bolstering (my husband buys junk food and that temptation lurks behind the door daily!). Seeing a visual reminder of my current physique reminded me of my weight loss plight; it can be easy to forget the body and what it looks like and what poor food choices will do to it. Either a blunt reality check or an inspirational poster in a strategic location can be a great tool to curb those temptations!

College is full of all kinds of temptations. The only way to avoid them is to learn how to make better choices. You'll grow stronger if you're forced to work against the struggle, rather than try to ease the path so there isn't any. :)

Wishing you lots of luck and encouragement! Hang in there.

neon_zephyr
08-04-2011, 12:10 AM
It's just a matter of my willpower, PMSing or not! hahaha

I came here to post, expecting some sympathy...what I got instead was much better.

Excellent! The right kind of growth and change in attitude will help you reach your success much better than trying to control the obstacles you have to endure! Kudos to you! And sorry that my reply to your original post came in before I'd read this updated post you made.

Hang in there! :carrot:


Also -- there is a lot of great advice throughout this thread. A personal mini-fridge that contains only what you have planned to eat for xyz number of days is a great way to learn control and restraint and you get to take it with you later (re: kaplods). Also, putting lo-cal treats for yourself next to the tempting bad stuff is a great way to teach yourself about looking realistically at options while you learn how to make better choices (re: sheramama). Everyone slips up once in a while, but if you can learn how to keep from doing it again, you'll have lots more success! Forgive yourself and move forward with resilience! :)

est1991
08-04-2011, 12:20 AM
I know what your going through. I'm about to start my second year of college and I still live with my family of (soon to be) 10 because it's right down the street. I'm trying to lose weight so that I can enlist in the Air Force and I've told my mom about this repetedly and she refuses to stop bringing the junk in the house because "the kids need it". She and my grandma also think that I don't have enough will power or strength to lose any amount of weight or join the Air Force because I'm a 'home-body'. I can't wait to prove them wrong. It's hard, but just bring your own food into the house and put it infront of hers.