100 lb. Club - Dealing with a narcissistic family.......




InsideMe
07-28-2011, 03:03 PM
Sigh.......so today I was all proud of my progress and my sister comes over...

Note to all, my mother and my sister are narcissistic. They have never emotionally supported me, they always attack me even when I give them the shirt off my back and now that I've gone through extensive counselling and have been working on me they see as my personal boundaries as being ungrateful and mean. I hardly speak to my family because they are emotionally unhealthy for me, but my sister wanted to see her nephews and of course I would never deny her that.

She doesn't even notice my weight loss (that's to be expected) but the next thing out of her mouth is this:

""you don't need to lose that much more weight, maybe only another 20lbs lets face it you'll never be small and if you get back down to a size 5 you'll never be smaller than a 5, you'll never be smaller than me cause I'm petite and your large,you have a very large frame"

She's a size 8.

I know this where my inner belief of myself is that I'm doomed to be fat. But why can't she see I'm trying, why put down my efforts with such harshness. My counsellor says never to expect the intimacy and emotional support from them, I never got it, so I probably never will. They will always use me as the scapegoat. I have to not see myself as they do cause that's not me.

But not to say it still hurts so very much. My own family can't accept me....god I thought I was over this.....I guess it's a journey and it keeps showing me no matter how nice they seem to be a certain time (which is so fake!) they only do it to get in your heart so they can smash it to pieces...I really can't be around her.

Thank god for my girlfriend and close friends, and for this place so I can vent. Cause if I don't vent it eats me up inside. I'm not looking for sympathy I just had to get it out. Thanks!


Lovely
07-28-2011, 03:08 PM
:hug: :hug: :hug:

Mango30
07-28-2011, 03:15 PM
OMG, I so know how you feel and where you are coming from with this post. I too have a very emotionally abusive sister who just does not get it. I often think, any my therepist has backed me up on this, that she is a sociopath. The best advise I can give you and what I've found to be the best for me is to minimize my contact with my sister, call her out on the way she treats me and find good positive friends that you can consider your family. Some of us don't have the most supportive families, but we can have supportive friends to surround ourselves with and sometimes the family that you adopt is better then the family that you are stuck with by blood.

Great job on your weight loss so far, and don't ever let your sisters words derail you are make you think less of yourself. Your goals are yours and it doesn't matter what your size 8 sister thinks. She's just afraid that when you reach your goal of size 5 you are going to look better then her and she won't be the skinny sister anymore. Its her self absorbed personal value system that makes her treat you like she does and you have to just realize that your allowed to disregard her and her bullsh!t.


ahyessophie
07-28-2011, 03:17 PM
Hello to a fellow Torontonian! I'm really sorry that you are dealing with such a discouraging family. It's good you have the voice of reason in your counsellor, and on 3FC too!

I've noticed a LOT of posts (there was another one yesterday evening) about people saying "you look good but don't lose too much more..." It seems to be something a lot of others on here are dealing with. Sometimes it's as if others aren't ready for us to change!

This post in particular was very on point: http://www.3fatchicks.com/forum/3959199-post11.html

It's not exactly the same scenario as yours but the thread might be worth reading.

Good luck :)

InsideMe
07-28-2011, 03:28 PM
OMG, I so know how you feel and where you are coming from with this post. I too have a very emotionally abusive sister who just does not get it. I often think, any my therepist has backed me up on this, that she is a sociopath. The best advise I can give you and what I've found to be the best for me is to minimize my contact with my sister, call her out on the way she treats me and find good positive friends that you can consider your family. Some of us don't have the most supportive families, but we can have supportive friends to surround ourselves with and sometimes the family that you adopt is better then the family that you are stuck with by blood.

Great job on your weight loss so far, and don't ever let your sisters words derail you are make you think less of yourself. Your goals are yours and it doesn't matter what your size 8 sister thinks. She's just afraid that when you reach your goal of size 5 you are going to look better then her and she won't be the skinny sister anymore. Its her self absorbed personal value system that makes her treat you like she does and you have to just realize that your allowed to disregard her and her bullsh!t.

Mango I hear ya! THANK YOU!!!!!!! My counsellor as well believes that my sister and mother have sociopathic tendancies, same with my ex husband. Its a cycle of abuse I broke when I left my marriage and finally started to live my inner truth.....but goodness, they sure know how to attack those deep wounds. I nearly ran downstairs to fill up on chocolate chip cookies in front of the TV! I just don't get it. How can anybody be so mean? I HATE playing the victim role, this isn't what I'm trying to do, I just needed to vent. Please don't feel sorry for me it's the cards of life I've been dealt to give me strength to find me you know? I just had a moment (or having a moment) of feeling that hurt, your right people can be so self absorbed!!!!!!!!:mad:

djs06
07-28-2011, 03:46 PM
:grouphug:

Your sister has her own issues and the best you can do is try your hardest not to internalize them. She has to be "above" you by being smaller, and when that is threatened, she's just going to make you feel as negatively about yourself as possible. Given that you've dealt with this for your entire life, it's hard to NOT internalize that... but don't let her make you doubt yourself or think less of yourself- you're doing great!

swtbttrfly23
07-28-2011, 03:50 PM
Aww babe, I'm so sorry to hear that! While my family isn't nearly that bad, they do have some slight tendencies. And more than that, I KNOW that they don't think I'll ever lose the weight.

It sounds to be like your family enjoys the emotional power that they hold (or used to hold) over you. It's hard when people know exactly what buttons to push to cut you the deepest. I'm glad that you're breaking that cycle on your own; you will ultimately be a far more wise, compassionate person for it. Don't let them derail you: PROVE THEM WRONG. Whether they acknowledge it or not. I find that a lot of the time now I take what my family might say with a grain of salt; I hear what they say, inwardly laugh at how silly it sounds and how ridiculous it is for them to be so petty, mean, and clueless, and smile back with the ultimate knowledge that I will succeed in spite of them. :-)

InsideMe
07-28-2011, 04:00 PM
You girls are gonna make me cry! Seriously thank you so much. The last 2 years have been such a transformation for me. I finally came out, left an abusive marriage with my 2 boys, move cities and did it all on my own, while my family sided with my ex and basically blamed me for being gay and leading him on......anyways looooong story but I finally did get into counselling to help with all the crap I grew up with, and I have been SO happy that I knew my weight was my next tackle. I guess I will never know what they want from me? To be miserable? Forget it! I spent most of my life doing what they wanted, I'm done. I am going to prove them wrong just by being happy cause they are all so very miserable! Thank you so much xoxo

astrophe
07-28-2011, 04:06 PM
You said it yourself. Because they are narcissists. There's a bunch of websites on malignant narcissism.

I'm sorry you feel bad. But at the same time -- work on closing that door. Do not have them over, do not allow them access to the nephews. I know it is family, but so what?

You have come a long way already in sticking up for yourself. Protect those kids and keep on going! You deserve happy!

hugs
A.

swtbttrfly23
07-28-2011, 04:15 PM
I'm sorry you feel bad. But at the same time -- work on closing that door. Do not have them over, do not allow them access to the nephews. I know it is family, but so what?

I agree. Toxic relationships have no place in a healthy person's life. I don't care if they are family, if what they do to you is so bad, then cut them out unless/until they actually learn how to properly behave. And honestly, if they treat you like such crap, would you really want them around your sons? I'd be afraid that they would inflict some of the same emotional damage on them. Excuse my language, but f*** that! Some people are just toxic (out of their own misery, usually). You figured out what is ultimately good for you and your sons, so keep doing it. Let them be miserable by themselves, it's time for you to move on.

kaplods
07-28-2011, 04:23 PM
I think the only way to deal with messed up people is to realize that their problems don't have to be your problems. Expecting them to change or to understand is wasted energy.

I would not try to "prove them wrong," because they don't deserve that much of your time - and it likely won't help. They'll find some other way to criticise you, because it's what they do.

You can choose to have them in your life, or not... but don't let their broken-ness become yours.

Believe me, I know that's a lot harder than it sounds. There are a lot of good books on dealing with toxic people, I read several of them, but the only title I remember was Toxic Parents.

Those books really helped me see (and really feel) that my family's nuttiness wasn't mine and didn't have to become mine.

SMSDREAMER2007
07-28-2011, 05:32 PM
tbh....Sounds like my family. :hug:

Wyllowbelle
07-28-2011, 05:36 PM
I love that you can vent to this community, but I also love that you really seem to have their number on this. I mean, you have it. You know the truth about how they work and your history. You have the brains to have gotten out of some tough Sh-tuff in the past. You have the brains to have gotten help to process all of that. You have SO MUCH strength. I'm sure they're intimidated.

Emotional vampires need victims to prey on. If you aren't lending them energy, who will they suck the life out of?

You are amazing. And you are making an entire new life being true to yourself. Do you know how few people actually DO that?! Most people, unfortunately, sit around in their coulda woulda shoulda oneday energies and never get out of their ruts. Your sister sounds like she's one of them - trying to sneak attack your success with her nastiness. I'm so glad you know your boundaries and won't let them do that to you.

You go, Girl!

JOLINA
07-28-2011, 06:39 PM
I have cousins that grew up in really abusive families. A lot of sibling rivalry.
One cousin had to call the police on her sisters...many times. It was a case of scapegoating also. She was the youngest and ended up with a broken nose, cuts and bruises. She was the cutest of all the girls and the most successful in life. They hate her for it. Even at 55 it still goes on. She had to call the police just 2 days ago.
:rollpin:

Now she announced she is taking them out of her will. It's about time. She is leaving any money she has to relatives that are kind and supportive.
Her counselors said there is no hope there. She has to walk away and cut them out of her life.

I had another cousin that was the scapegoat since she was 4 years old. She grew up really tough. She fought back 5 other kids. Even her parents sided against her. She is successful in business and has the largest home, boat, etc. They all hate her. She has very little to do with any of them now.

I had an elderly family member come after me with a shotgun over part of an estate I inherited. He was incensed. Now that is abuse of the worst kind. He has since died, thank God.

My father-in-law told his daughters he was not leaving any money to any of his 4 kids....just to stop all the in-fighting over his estate. And this was when he was only 62, in perfect health, chopping his own wood, and doing his carpentry. They assumed because he had a few gray hairs he had one foot in the grave and was ready to drop dead at any moment!
:faint:

Just to stop the squabbling, he said he was leaving everything to the "Russian Church". LOL
He is still living, got remarried at 70, (to a beautiful woman older than him) and 2 of his kids have died. Her daughters were dead set against "2 old people getting married" and give them both a really hard time! They are as happy as can be, surrounded by hateful kids all worried about their estates.
Troubles don't come to an end as you get older. Now they start fighting over your estates years before you get sick and die.

Toxic people are not worth associating with. If you are just being used and abused..then walk away ASAP and never go back. Don't drag this out for years.

I have walked away from a lot of people. I regret having to do it. Life would be so much better if everyone could be kind and behave properly. But these jerks reveal their true nature in time, and to save your sanity, you must avoid them.

Later in life, cut these family members out of your will. And let them know why.

Best wishes to you!
:hug:

Sophronia
07-28-2011, 07:46 PM
I love that you're on this forum, InsideMe. Venting is awesome, and it's so much healthier to do it here than to get into it with some sad-faced losers.

Having said that, I SO agree with the posters who said you should consider completely cutting your sister out of your life and not allowing her access to your sons. I don't know if I would go there immediately - after all, I don't know much about her relationship with your sons. Some people can be super kind to children and super mean to adults. But weigh it all very carefully. Especially if you find evidence she's treating them the same way she's treating you, cut her off completely. Even if she's not treating them badly, but you can't handle having her around (which doesn't mean you're not strong - it just means you're human and don't need the added stress of someone exploiting your weaknesses), it's more important to them that their mom be happy than that they have a relationship with their aunt.

Whatever you decide - know that you have a whole group of people willing to support you as you support us. Yay for no TV and chocolate chip cookies!

InsideMe
07-28-2011, 10:13 PM
WOW! I am so blessed to find such an amazing worth of support! Thank you everyone! I guess that's where I am right now, cutting blood ties. My sister has never been around for my kids, it's only been recently that she has been. My boys have a blast with her but she can only handle them for a couple of hours and she's done. I find myself going in this horrible cycle with her and my family, they are nice they help me out (financially never emotionally cause they have money and use it as guilt) and when I don't abide to their way of thinking or their rules they attack and pull their "poor victim roles" to make me feel bad and conform to their standards. My sister included, whenever I find myself enjoying her company she backstabs me emotionally or twists things and reports them to my parents so they get angry with me when it wasn't even what I said. I have started to cut them out and I have set boundaries with them but I guess I had some "wishful" thinking that my sister really has come around and wants to be close to my kids....sigh....but with that attack yet again it's all about her. I did eat 1 chocolate chip cookie and 2nd's at dinner but I'm not going to let that get to me, it's how I've always coped in the past, it's a behaviour I'm working on.

You girls really get it. Energy vampires....whewwwwww your so right on that one! And another point about not doing it prove them wrong, I started this journey doing it for me, to be the best I can be in all aspects of my life, physically, emotionally, spiritually, and mentally. Being around my family certainly doesn't bring me any peace in any of those areas!

I've started to read Toxic Parents in the sneek peek of Amazon, going to download it tonight. WOW! my parents have hit all sorts of abuse in that checklist!

Anyways, thank you again. I'm so sorry so many of you have experienced similar life trials and tribulations but in a way I'm comforted to know I'm not the only one. One thing my family always told me was that blood was thicker than water. But based on the way they "love" I have only found true love in my friends and girlfriend and my kids...my kids have saved me in so many ways I can't tell you. xoxox Love and light xoxo

linJber
07-28-2011, 10:51 PM
Everyone has made excellent comments. I think I'm older than most of you so I just want to add one thing. Limit your time with your family, but don't close a door in such a way that it can never be opened again. We are all frail beings sometimes and we don't know why they are behaving the way they are. I'm not taking their side - just telling you to use caution in cutting ties. what seems so clear now might have a slightly different "haze" to it years from now.

I think you are an amazing young woman who can accomplish whatever you set out to do. Just keep doing what you've been doing and stay optimistic.

Lin

shishkeberry
07-28-2011, 11:14 PM
It's not good for your children to see their mother insulted and disrespected. And have you thought that maybe your sister says she wants to see your sons just so she can say nasty things to you? I'm sure she realizes that it's the only way to get to you. I'm sorry she sucks so much. I have a grandmother like that. She doesn't see my kids anymore because she was always saying that something was wrong with them. :(

heathermichigan
07-28-2011, 11:20 PM
:hug: I think many of us can relate to unhealthy relationships with various family members. I, too, have had to set up boundaries and cut out certain family members from my life.
And honestly...that process helped me get to the point where I felt ready to really lose the weight once and for all.
You can do this. Go you.

sevencallmemom
07-28-2011, 11:34 PM
Boundaries are good. Even if she's being good to your kids, just the fact that she's not good to you could affect them.

I liked what Lin said about not closing the door in a way that meant it couldn't be opened again. That's pretty much where I am with my family and it's hard.

:hug:

JamiSue3916
07-29-2011, 12:20 AM
Sometimes it's as if others aren't ready for us to change!

I totally see this. Some people are just uncomfortable with us changing. I think everyone gets used us being the "fat" ones and don't know how to cope if/when the tables turn.

I recently had a friend give her old fat clothes (size 20/18's) to me. She's lost almost 100lbs and was nervous to ask if I wanted her clothes. I was ECSTATIC! She said that had offered them to one of her other friends and she flew off the handle. She was very offended to have been offered the "fat" clothes. I wear a size 22 and am so excited to have some clothes for the next phase of my life!!

theCandEs
07-29-2011, 12:30 AM
My brother's wife has borderline/narcissistic personality disorder, and it's truly ripped our family apart, so I completely understand where you're coming from. :hug: Don't let what she says influence your decision to get healthy and lose weight. I know that's easier said than done, but we all support you!! I know you can do this!! :grouphug:

Nikki6kidsmom
07-29-2011, 02:09 AM
Honey, I am dealing with my Mother who all my life rode me about my weight now tells me that "she hates the fact I am smaller than her".

As a Mom myself I put my kids happiness and success before my own and I am over the moon thrilled for them with whatever milestone that is. I don't get it.

It has come between us big time. But I am standing strong that I am doing the right thing for myself,my health and my future. If it hurts her feelings too bad.

Big HUGS!

geoblewis
07-29-2011, 05:10 AM
:hug: Another woman right there with you, sister.

I've been finding great support specifically about this topic at the Daughters of Narcissictic Mothers (http://daughtersofnarcissisticmothers.com/) website. Another very validating group.

Having narcissists in the family is emotionally draining. It's really hard to find good support. Enjoy your moments of freedom and joy. Don't let them tinge your success with their crap. You've worked hard. You! You did it all! Their judgement comes from inside their sick brains and poisoned hearts. Their judgement defines them, not you.

There are no easy solutions to dealing with the narcissists in your life. Even walking away is riddled with difficulty. You're showing great inner strength and resilliency. I'm proud of you!

InsideMe
07-29-2011, 09:39 AM
Thanks again. OMG that site daughters of narcissistic mothers has been my saving grace! It really revealed to me so much of my life, it's a great site.

As for totally cutting out my family I mean that in the sense of emotional intimacy. I can't go that deep with any of them (my mother and father were abusers) and my sister...well she's a product of my mother and has become narcissistic herself. I know it's how she copes from the abuse as well but it's not an excuse to treat me that way.

I have set boundaries with them visiting my children, they don't like it and it's hard to stick to and their retaliation is pulling their money. Which is fine I have a great career and can support my family but they do so by giving my sister everything, big breaks (like buying her a condo) etc. But I see the pattern, they too have done things for me (funding my education, paying for my car etc) but it all came at a price.....my soul. I had to conform to them and my sister is still doing it. Will she ever see it, I don't know. My counsellor has recommended I start the grieving process with my family, which I have. Seeing them thank goodness is far in between. My sister lives in the same city but my parents have been overseas since I was 16 (Yes I raised my sister basically on my own) so I see them twice a year (thank goodness!!!) I think it will always be trying, being rejected by the people who are suppose to love you the most hurts, and it's not that I dont' doubt that they don't love me they just have no clue how to show it. They are suffering themselves. They are also trapped in their delusional world.

geoblewis
07-29-2011, 03:46 PM
Grieving the loss of the relationships is important. I've been trying to do that too. Part of it, for me, is letting go of the thought streams surrounding how things were supposed to be, and having to embrace how things really are. These people are not capable of more. They're not capable of giving us what we want or need from them. And we're not capable of giving them that either (mostly because what they want from us is unearned or inappropriate).

I'm having to learn to think of my mother as if she's a crazy aunt. I'm never, ever going to get anything maternal from her. My sister is self-centered and detached, and she won't support me caring for our mother the way I need it. She simply won't pick up the slack, ducks out of her share of the duties, expects me to fill in on the maternal roll that she wanted to have from our mother.

Everyone is disappointed to not get what they want. So, what are we going to do about it? I've been rolling around in my disappointment for awhile. I get to where I'm tired of being disappointed so much and try to change how I'm feeling, but something always happens to drag me back to it. And then I eat over it all! Sooooooo don't want to do that any longer. I'm trying to figure out how to emotionally divorce myself from these people. I can't make them stop having expectations of me. Wishing I could figure out a way to get myself to not care how they feel about me. Wouldn't that be a neat trick!

Sophronia
07-29-2011, 04:38 PM
Not to get all psychoanalytical on you, Georgia, but why do you care?

My husband and I are separated, but we mostly get along. Sometimes, though, he starts texting these cruel and inaccurate things about me. "You'll never be able to support our children." Hello? Who supported you during the years you struggled with unemployment? "You're crazy. 'Normal' people don't [insert whatever behavior he thinks I'm engaging in here]." I honestly believe he's got a substance abuse issue, and these things are limited to when he's struggling with that (either when he's drunk or feeling withdrawal symptoms from his prescription drug addiction, maybe. Who knows? And who cares?).

But I don't believe him. And I SO don't care what he says or thinks about these things. It's nice that I've got external validation. The whole, "You'll never make any money" garbage seems extra ridiculous when it's looking like I'll get an offer for an associate position from the firm where I'm working as a law clerk. But even if that weren't happening, I couldn't give him that much credibility if I tried. I've known him long enough to know better. And quite honestly, if it weren't for the fact that we have five children together, I would never see him again. I love him, and enjoy being around him when he's not playing the crazy card, but he steals way too much energy and joy from me when he is being crazy. Why do I want that in my life?

So, here's my (unsolicited) advice. I saw on your blog that you have children. If your sister said horrible things about one of your children, there's no way you would believe her, would you? You know she's not credible. More importantly, you would be highly motivated to protect your child from her.

So - why don't you think you're as worthy of protection as your child?

(This insight brought to you from my incredibly wise father, who used to ask me the same question when he perceived I was being mistreated.)

InsideMe
07-29-2011, 06:06 PM
Because when you grow up with a mother who beats the crap out of you and a father who sexually assults you standing up for yourself is near impossible! I am trying, it's hard, I've conquered addictions and now trying to do so with food. My kids are worthy of it but I have to detatch emotionally to sustain my safety. I grew up in an unsafe environment I have never felt safe. Abuse and the layers it creates isn't so black and white. Although we were abused there were also good times. Children detatch, split and make up illusionary worlds to avoid what's happening to them. I'm learning to finally get back into my body and keeping contact is an important choice I have made because yes although they are abuser they too were abused.Somewhere along the line someone HAS to break the pattern...it's just so hard to do.

InsideMe
07-29-2011, 06:24 PM
Georgia I totally get what your saying. Intimacy I experienced as a child wasn't love and they will never be able to give me the emotional needs I need from a parent. So yeah I'm grieving it. And through that process I am realizing my worth, but years and years since the age of 2 being USED for other's people's purpose, its a hard one to believe that you are worthy of anything, you almost grow up believe you were put on this earth to please other people....which I've discovered through counselling that isn't the truth, but the beliefs you tell yourself as a child to simply survive the trauma, it's hard to let go of those beliefs when they saved your life.

TamTam
07-29-2011, 07:23 PM
Sigh.......so today I was all proud of my progress and my sister comes over...

Note to all, my mother and my sister are narcissistic. They have never emotionally supported me, they always attack me even when I give them the shirt off my back and now that I've gone through extensive counselling and have been working on me they see as my personal boundaries as being ungrateful and mean. I hardly speak to my family because they are emotionally unhealthy for me, but my sister wanted to see her nephews and of course I would never deny her that.

She doesn't even notice my weight loss (that's to be expected) but the next thing out of her mouth is this:

""you don't need to lose that much more weight, maybe only another 20lbs lets face it you'll never be small and if you get back down to a size 5 you'll never be smaller than a 5, you'll never be smaller than me cause I'm petite and your large,you have a very large frame"

She's a size 8.

I know this where my inner belief of myself is that I'm doomed to be fat. But why can't she see I'm trying, why put down my efforts with such harshness. My counsellor says never to expect the intimacy and emotional support from them, I never got it, so I probably never will. They will always use me as the scapegoat. I have to not see myself as they do cause that's not me.

But not to say it still hurts so very much. My own family can't accept me....god I thought I was over this.....I guess it's a journey and it keeps showing me no matter how nice they seem to be a certain time (which is so fake!) they only do it to get in your heart so they can smash it to pieces...I really can't be around her.

Thank god for my girlfriend and close friends, and for this place so I can vent. Cause if I don't vent it eats me up inside. I'm not looking for sympathy I just had to get it out. Thanks!

I am so sorry that you are going through this. From your picture you are a very beautiful woman and don't ever let anyone take that from you!!! Remember to NEVER judge your self worth by someone else's standards! You do no answer to anyone and if your family cannot accept you for who you are then you need to have as little contact with them as possible. If your mom and sister came over and you had a friend there would they be as mean to you in front on another person? If not maybe ask a girlfriend over to help smooth out the situation. Anyway we are blessed to have you here on the forum and we will accept you for the person you are. GOd Bless.:hug: