100 lb. Club - What thinner people may not understand




Redheadchick
07-26-2011, 03:48 PM
Ok, just a little rant here. Do you know what I hate? I hate it when someone gives you a weight loss complement and then the skinny girl in the background, who has never weighed over 120 pounds in her life, pipes up that "yeah, I need to lose some weight too, I am getting soooo fat, and I just look disgusting." You know, ok, I understand that there are times in life when someone may need to make themselves feel better. I know that even though I hate that I am 223 pounds there are people out there working as hard as I am so they can see the 223 on their scales. But let the fat girl have her moment! Not only that, but if someone who might weigh that fabled 120 comments that they look disgusting, I can only imagine what they think I look like! (this is the same skinny girl who suggested to me and a friend of mine at work, who is also trying to lose a significant amount of weight, that we should all put in money on a competition to see who can lose to our goal the fastest....gee 100 pounds or 5 vanity pounds-wonder who will get there first!)

Am I just being oversensitive here?


Lovely
07-26-2011, 04:11 PM
This is a somewhat common occurrence.

I don't think that people are intentionally trying to say something that would make others feel uncomfortable. We're just so often stuck in our own heads that we're not always aware of what we say and how it might appear to others. We also can't control how others around us take what we say.

She might legitimately feel disgusting. :shrug: It has nothing to do with you (or your friend who is also trying to lose weight). She might think absolutely nothing of how you look. So, noting that you are losing weight, it just reminds her that she, too, wants to lose weight. Even though she could never understand what it's like to need to lose 100lbs.

I do try to give people the benefit of the doubt in situations like this. She might have suggested the "competition", because she needs that sort of motivation in order to lose weight. That being said, I would've politely declined the offer. I might have even stated quite legitimately that it'd take me a solid year or more to get to goal weight, so the competition wouldn't really be motivating to me.

Her comments have nothing to do with you. And everything to do with her.

April Snow
07-26-2011, 04:17 PM
yes, unfortunately it's pretty common. People even do it here on 3fc - I'll see posts from people talking about how awful they feel being X weight but my goal weight is X weight plus some! lol! (and I mean people roughly my height, not someone who is 6 inches shorter!)

but most people don't really have any idea how much other people weigh. They may realize that sure, you are heavier than they 120 lb person, but they definitely don't realize you are a whole extra 120 lb person!!

I try to mostly smile and nod, and then ignore.


Travel Gal
07-26-2011, 04:22 PM
I understand how you feel and where you're coming from, absolutely. I think also she might have just been trying to find a way to empathize with you and show solidarity, although she didn't do so in the most tactful of manners. Weight can be such a taboo subject to talk about in our society that when one does bring it up about themselves, others are surprised and not quite sure how to respond. Weight can be a very personal subject but one that is so obvious to everyone else that you just have to remember that you are working hard and doing what you need to do to make yourself healthy and happy, and that's all that counts. You will get insensitive comments again, but just shake them off and keep going.

Good luck!

patchworkpenguin
07-26-2011, 04:26 PM
There's this woman at my church, she's a very nice lady, but she never has an unspoken thought. I don't seriously thing she's trying to make 'everything about her' but she has a way of inserting herself in every conversation in a very annoying way. I agree with Lovely some people are just so in their own heads that they can't think of others or let them have their moments to shine.

My 135lb Mother keeps telling me she's trying to lose 5 lbs, which of course makes me wonder what she thinks of me!

rachael
07-26-2011, 05:00 PM
I used to get really bent when people would talk about how they needed to lose 2-10 pounds when I needed to lose well over 100. Then one day it hit me. If I had paid attention and lost weight when it was just 2-10 pounds, I wouldn't have been in the predicament of being morbidly obese. I just simply wasn't in touch with my body in the same way that they were. Also, I can tell you now, being MUCH more aware of my body than I ever have in my life, when you are at a low weight, 2-10 pounds makes a huge difference in the way that your clothes fit and the way you feel about yourself. When I was 250 pounds, losing 2 pounds didn't make my clothes fit differently. losing 10 barely did. At 125, gaining 2 pounds absolutely makes a difference in how my clothes fit. It's the famous 3FC paper towel roll analogy.

Anyway, people typically would not say something like that in front of you if they thought poorly about you. It's all about themselves and they don't realize how it feels to someone with significantly more to lose. 99% of the time, there is no cruelty intended.

keekles
07-26-2011, 05:09 PM
I have a coworker from a european country (I won't say which one in the remote possibility that she comes to this site... but let's say it's a european country that is notorious for high standards of beauty). And whenever she seems me come back from the gym she says "Ohhh la la keekles you are going to the gym every day, no??" And I say yes. And she says "Oh I need to lose 1 or 2 kilograms (2-5 pounds) myself. I have really become, how do you say? Ugly!!" And I'm like "Gee. That's fantastic."

But that's nothing compared to the other day when she saw me coming back from the gym and said "Oh poor Keekles, working out so hard every day. I hope you get some results soon!!!" (I've lost 65 pounds). She said it in a kind and loving way, she wasn't being a B or anything. But still. It stung.

So, I agree with you, skinny people just don't get it.

astrophe
07-26-2011, 08:00 PM
In general I try to be supportive regardless of size of the person, but I have my days. It happens. We are all human.

If I feel charitable, I'll think "This person is stuck in a groove in their head. I hope they break out. It's so sad to think you are fat at 120. I hope they realize one day the problem is not BODY but MIND."

If I feel cranky, I'll think "Ugh. Just stop making it all be about you! Everyone has problems!"

But deep down I know that while not the same, whatever body hurdles people have to overcome, it's still a hurdle. It doesn't make much difference that mine are endocrine health based and body image people are more mental health based. It's still a real health problem.

But enjoy your compliment and don't worry too much about the other girl needing validation or attention or whatever. That's her baggage to carry and you do NOT have to pick some of it up for her to carry around the rest of the day in YOUR head. You have your healing process to do. She has hers.

If you have it in you to be kind, be kind. If it's a bad day, be kind by being silent. And def don't let those kinds of comments stick in YOUR head. Then you get body health problems AND head health -- and who needs that? That's double the work!

A.

MrsTee
07-26-2011, 08:14 PM
I think people go through life so wrapped up in themselves, most don't see the implied insult - I need to loose 100 lbs but at 3 pounds overweight they feel fat and disgusting.................

Oh Keekles - easy for me to smile - as I love the way you describe it - but a comment like that is enough to drive a woman to the chocolate bikkies!

luckymommy
07-26-2011, 09:13 PM
I think it's rude to complain about your weight if you're standing next to someone who has significantly more to lose. That said, yes, some people are just oblivious to our feelings. I'd take it based on how this person acts at other times. Are they generally kind? If so, I wouldn't take it as an insult.

Oh and if she wants to do a competition, then it's only fair to do it on percentage of body fat lost...which is how they do it on the Biggest Loser show. If she honestly doesn't see the difference, then that just makes me wonder! ;)

linJber
07-27-2011, 12:09 AM
Everyone has made a lot of good points. If you're feeling a little bit bold, try answering her "I look disgusting" comment with "Gee, if you think you look disgusting at 5 pounds over what you want to be, what do you think of all of us who have more than that to lose?" And as for the competition to get to your goal weight, just suggest you do it like on The Biggest Loser - biggest percentage lost will win, not most pounds.

Or just ignore it. She needs attention. Stinks to be her, I guess.

Lin

DreamAngelsHeavenly
07-27-2011, 01:52 AM
Eww. I have this girl at my work who is pregnant (read: not fat). She is like 27 weeks now I think- so she is getting bigger... And even before she was showing (or knew she was pregnant even) she is complaining of how fat she is, how fat she is getting- she is like maybe a size 6. Really??? Really!! Today she was complaining at how fat her legs are getting... She makes comments about being fat and disgusting and not attractive (because duh they all go hand in hand right?? Eye Roll.) all the time... how she used to be a size 0 blah blah blah she used to weight 135 (hello- you are pregnant!!! not fat!!) blah blah blah (she is 5'8" fyi). It makes me want to vomit. Seriously. And she has made other dumb comments- basically everyone I work on my team with is a stick (by the way I have never heard any of the other skinny girls ever say anything like this). They all went to lunch at a restaurant- I didn't go because I talk to my long distance boyfriend during my lunch... ANYWAYS I ask her how lunch was and she said good and I asked her what she got and she was like, "well, everyone was good and got salads and I was the fat girl and got french fries"- I am pretty sure this was before I started my diet too and I was 50 lbs heavier- and I don't eat french fries- I was thinking, really? Fat girls eat french fries for lunch??? Maybe some do, maybe a lot do- I don't know but I found that so rude. I don't think she means anything by it but still, it is so ridiculous. Get over yourself!!! She used to make dumb comments like this almost daily but now it has gotten sparser... Still, it is SO annoying. Really it is. But I don't think they really mean anything by it, that's just how they feel, and I agree with the one who said people are more judgmental of themselves than others. Sorry a couple more-- and just yesterday she was talking about she has three daughters and one is chunky (but she is only 9) and her sister's (7, 11) are rails (like mom!!) and she is like- "I know she doesn't like it, she is asking about going to the doctor for a diet, I feel so bad for her"-- it's like what?? There is nothing worse in the world than being fat is there??? (which by the way this little girl is not even fat at all by any stretch of the imagination). And once she was having a bad clothes day and her 7 year old was like "mom sometimes I have days like that" and she was thinking oh right you are lucky you way like 90 lbs... Really? A 35 year old woman- envious of a 7 year olds body? Really?? Sorry, it might sound like I am oversensitive- but I have NEVER in my life met someone so obsessed with weight. NEVER. It is crazy. Seriously. And this is seeping straight into her children I see... Not good. I don't really talk to her that much anymore because it is so annoying (which is maybe why I do not notice it daily anymore?) but we have cubicles so I can't ignore it entirely unfortunately. Okay, rant over. Just wanted to say I know how you feel!! Not everyone is oversensitive people!! ;)

Redheadchick
07-27-2011, 09:14 AM
Wow, I started a mess here. Sorry about that, but it really rubbed me wrong. This lady is always talking about how great she looks, mentioning her weight, mentioning her clothing size, etc. And it was just that suddenly she pipes up about gaining a few and looking "disgusting" that ticked me off. I understand she probably has body issues, don't we all?-but I wish people would use their heads a little and think before they open their mouths. I have a friend who is quite a bit larger than I am, and has serious health issues. I know she would love to weigh what I do and wear the size I do-never in my life would I ever ever ever say anything in front of her about my size being gross, knowing she is bigger than I am and that it would be hurtful to say it. Ah well, I am so over it. When I am down to just 5 more to lose, I am invite her to plant one on my much smaller bum-but I just can't feel like I care anymore. Thanks for letting me rant though!

SugarRomeoTango4852
07-27-2011, 09:49 AM
Do you know what I hate? I hate it when someone gives you a weight loss complement and then the skinny girl in the background, who has never weighed over 120 pounds in her life, pipes up that "yeah, I need to lose some weight too, I am getting soooo fat, and I just look disgusting." You know, ok, I understand that there are times in life when someone may need to make themselves feel better. I know that even though I hate that I am 223 pounds there are people out there working as hard as I am so they can see the 223 on their scales. But let the fat girl have her moment! Not only that, but if someone who might weigh that fabled 120 comments that they look disgusting, I can only imagine what they think I look like!
Am I just being oversensitive here?

I don't think you are being oversensitive because I have been in the same type of situation where my friends will be discussing weight loss and the skinniest one of us will pipe in with about how she is getting fat and needs to lose weight. I called her on it one time and she apologized. Her explanation was that she was looking for some way to relate to all of us about weight. She has never had a weight problem so she said she honestly wasn't sure what to say or how to get involved in the conversation. Therefore, she figured if she mentioned she had to lose some we would feel more camaraderie.

*shrug* A lot of times when people mention needing to lose weigh to others, they want to relate to us so we don't feel so leaper-ish. Saying they need to lose weight is the best way to put themselves on the same footing.

As someone who is overweight, it doesn't make it better but I don't take it personally when people say stuff like that anymore. I hope this makes sense but I might not have explained well.

This lady is always talking about how great she looks, mentioning her weight, mentioning her clothing size, etc. And it was just that suddenly she pipes up about gaining a few and looking "disgusting" that ticked me off. I just read this last post and figured I would add...

This sounds to me like she has self esteem issues. She needs people to acknowledge that she is attractive or she doesn't feel validated. She needs the compliments, comments and looks she gets when she talks about herself to feel better. If she is skinny, mentions she gains a few pounds and still looks great, people will rush to deny it and compliment her. It reassures her of her place and boosts her self esteem. Or she might just be a cankerous nasty lady. I really don't know.

Rainy Day
07-27-2011, 09:59 AM
That's happened with me, too. It's gotten to a point where stuff like that doesn't hurt me anymore. I have a coworker who's always encouraging me to lose weight, even going so far as offering to work out with me. Then there are days when she constantly complains about how she needs to lose weight and feels so gross. She's around 115 lbs. She means well but like many doesn't realize saying stuff like that in front of someone who has loads left to lose can bother them.

I think most people, when they say they need to lose weight in front of you, are trying to connect to you in some way. It's how the act of complimenting yourself and giving yourself a pat on the back is seen as conceited in society and you're usually liked if you talk modestly of yourself. Maybe when such people say stuff like that what they really mean is, "Hey, I'm like you, I need to lose weight, too. Maybe I don't realize that we're no where in the same weight loss league, but this is my way of trying to understand what you're going through."

Sophronia
07-27-2011, 11:49 AM
Based on obesity statistics and the booming weight management industry, I think weight is an issue for most people. And I know that when I was closing in on my goal weight, every pound was an intense struggle, even moreso than it is right now. And maybe the competition was her way of trying to "help." I know Richard Simmons talks about how hard it is for him to see overweight people without trying to help them. Of course, rather than goal weight or percentage of body fat as measures, I'd just offer to pay her $10 a pound for every pound she loses, provided she offer you $10 for every pound you lose. Great motivation all around. =)

Nola Celeste
07-27-2011, 03:05 PM
This lady is always talking about how great she looks, mentioning her weight, mentioning her clothing size, etc. And it was just that suddenly she pipes up about gaining a few and looking "disgusting" that ticked me off.

I was raised that it's rude to call anyone "disgusting" in public, and I always assumed that meant myself as well. She's rude, no two ways about it.

She also sounds like a terrible attention-seeker. Be sorry for her that she's so needy instead of bugged by her behavior, if you can manage it. She sounds thoroughly unpleasant.

WannaBeLoserAgain
07-27-2011, 03:40 PM
Everyone has their own perceptions to weight and their bodies. You might think someone looks great and that same person feels terrible about her weight...maybe her clothes are getting tight. Everyone has their own issues about weight.

Sometimes we blurt out things about ourselves without thinking of others in listening distance. Join their conversation, let them talk.

Sometimes, we take things way to personal when it was not meant toward us but meant for themselves. I guess a form of self-talk outloud.

bellastarr
07-27-2011, 10:47 PM
Ok, just a little rant here. Do you know what I hate? I hate it when someone gives you a weight loss complement and then the skinny girl in the background, who has never weighed over 120 pounds in her life, pipes up that "yeah, I need to lose some weight too, I am getting soooo fat, and I just look disgusting." You know, ok, I understand that there are times in life when someone may need to make themselves feel better. I know that even though I hate that I am 223 pounds there are people out there working as hard as I am so they can see the 223 on their scales. But let the fat girl have her moment! Not only that, but if someone who might weigh that fabled 120 comments that they look disgusting, I can only imagine what they think I look like! (this is the same skinny girl who suggested to me and a friend of mine at work, who is also trying to lose a significant amount of weight, that we should all put in money on a competition to see who can lose to our goal the fastest....gee 100 pounds or 5 vanity pounds-wonder who will get there first!)

Am I just being oversensitive here?

No not at all.. i have a friend who will b*tch and moan to me about how she weighs 117 pounds now, up from 115 and how "omg my thighs touch now" and i want to smack her.. this is the girl who eats candy all day long and is constantly baking pies, cookies, brownies, etc.. she is also whining how fat she is all the time and all i can think is "what do u think of me?" i even said that to her one time to shut her up!!!

rakel
07-28-2011, 12:04 AM
I like to think of the best in people. Although my initial thoughts resonate with what a lot of people have said in this thread already, I don't assume that everyone is trying to make some statement about how I'm gross. You have to address it on a case-by-case basis, but by and large most people I've talked to about losing weight have been supremely supportive and not one person has been offensive or intentionally mean.

I tend to agree with with what Rainy Day said:

"Hey, I'm like you, I need to lose weight, too. Maybe I don't realize that we're no where in the same weight loss league, but this is my way of trying to understand what you're going through."

Maybe I am just fortunate to know some extremely wonderful and supportive people, but I have felt nothing but good intentions.

sept15lija
07-28-2011, 02:45 PM
Maybe I'm oversensitive too, but I think it's rude as well. Maybe I can't quite believe people are *that* oblivious to the weight of others, or at least see that they are quite a bit larger than themselves? Consider your audience, people!