So, I just need to vent, because I'm feeling like I'm barely keeping my head above water at this point. The last month has been difficult--I haven't been working being somewhat home-bound and killing time is always my worst offender when it comes to feeling tempted to binge. I held on really strong the first 3 weeks of July--but last week I had a binge, and then I was okay for two days, and then another two days of binging. I'm just feeling emotionally wrecked from having to "get back on the horse", and my emotional reserves are already running pretty low. I have a lot of great things happening in the near future (my husband and I close on our house TOMORROW, I'm finishing my cosmetology hours...) but change is scary for me, and it is absolutely something that compels me to binge.
I just think after the last 5 months or so, I'm feeling so drained. My husband and I moved from the east coast, back to our home town, and in the mean time we've been living with my in-laws, until we bought a house. Don't get me wrong, they are great people--but its been horrible for me. I haven't "lived at home" since I was 17--I'm absolutely used to being the master of my own domain, and feeling like a "kid" back home, I'm sorry but it has sucked majorly. I will be SO glad to be done with this situation. I hate to sound like an ungrateful brat--because I know it was difficult for them, too. They were great to accommodate us, and for that I'm grateful.
Ugh, sorry for the long vent. I'm just drained. And especially so today--with the impending closing of our house, and the fact that we had to take our beloved dog to the vet for overnight treatment, I'm just down. I feel like it isn't possible for me to NOT binge at this point, even though I desperately want to hold on. I just feel like I'm going to blow a gasket
"If you're not going through a storm you're about to go through one."
I know it's hard to get back on the horse when you've fallen off because I'm currently there & since the 4th of July I haven't been able to get back on my diet, watching what I eat. Guess I need to take my own advice huh? Hang in there, we can do it!
I can identify with so much of what you're going through. Stress - even "good" stress -messes with me in ways that test my coping skills.
I'm not reinventing the wheel here, but just throwing out suggestions:
Are you stuck at home alone? Is a walk outside an option? If you have transportation, what about browsing at a bookstore, or finding your new local library? Are you crafty? What about a trip to a craft store for some supplies (even little craft kits for children can be therapeutic)?
As a result of my binge last weekend and my post about it, I've been trying really hard to focus on breathing. Deep, relaxing breaths. This morning on the way to work I screamed my lungs out in the car. Just screamed - it was strangely frightening at first, but I do feel like it released some tension.
Also, I'm trying to remember how absolutely YUCKY I felt after the binge was over. Ugh. I really do NOT want to feel that way again.
You're not alone!
PS - Ok, sorry if this sounds weird, but in your avatar pic I love your eyebrows! They have such a well-defined, beautiful shape! Mine are blond, and even though I shape them, they could never look like that.
Sorry your having a rough time right now. The stress of major changes (even good ones) can really get us in a rut! Take heart in knowing that 'this too shall pass'.
I also want to suggest (if possible) to get out of the house...go for a walk, go window shopping at the mall, or my all time favorite...go to WALMART (if for nothing else but to redirect your frustrations!) When you get back, if you still want something to eat...a goodie of sorts...maybe just allowing yourself "some" will alleviate the urge to binge.
In any event... to you and your hubby on the NEW HOUSE!
I don't think your problem is your weight; if you stop thinking about yourself and start working on the rooms of your new home, your husband, your cooking skills, your exercise, etc. you might feel much better.
Thank you everyone for your replies and suggestions--it's really comforting to know I'm not alone in feeling this way. My husband, bless his soul, is a very optimistic and easy going person, so sometimes I think he just thinks I'm crazy that good change is so hard for me to get excited for, and manage my feelings.
I really appreciate the advice and reminders--I'm not without transportation, or resources, so I do need to remember that I can go to the library, or go window shopping, or take a walk.
So far, I've made it through the day--and it's nearly dinner time. I'm proud of myself for just white knuckling it through the day. And, I think my husband reached out to me today, because I'd really stuck to my guns and powered through. He is not easily shaken, and rarely reaches out to me to talk--and it felt good to be the listening ear today, instead of the person who needed a listening ear. I'm trying really hard to recognize that this is a good thing, and a much healthier interaction in my marriage. I'm so blessed that my husband has really been patient and understanding, without enabling me. How did I get so lucky to get him?! Sorry for the tangent...I guess I'm just connecting the dots in ways that I don't usually, because typically I've binged my now, and I'm worried about all the turmoil that goes along with a binge vs what I was really worried about in the first place.
I really appreciate everyone that chimed in. I definitely learned some things about my binge thoughts and behaviors today.
Oh--and jenmusic...thank you for the compliment! I have my lovely middle eastern blood to thank for the dark eyebrows! Strangely enough I don't really do much to shape them--but I think they've always been that way. I remember in the 1st grade my teacher told me I had "smiling eyebrows"!
Lately it has helped me to think about the fact that the "good" part of the binge -- getting to eat yummy food -- is so temporary, but the aftermath can feel terrible and takes a long time and hard work to get through. (Well, for me it does because I've got to get back on my eating plan and it usually takes me 2 or 3 days to feel like I'm back to my good place -- I'm not sure if it works that way when you're 107 pounds, but it does sound like it takes a while for you to get back to some sort of equilibrium.) I try to make myself really think hard and imagine what I'm going to feel like afterward and also to consider what I'd be giving up for it (such as the good feelings I was having about my weight, how I'm looking, how great it feels to be in control, etc). In the past, I usually would have the urge to eat off plan or to binge and just jump right in, purposely avoiding giving my chance to think about it. This new strategy doesn't always work, but I have been hugely more successful lately than I used to be.
Also, in your case, you have a good idea of what's driving you to eat in an uncontrolled way. Maybe you could remind yourself that eating is not going to solve any of your problems, and after you're done you are not going to feel less stressed, etc. Try to imagine yourself after the binge, and the stress it will add to how you're already feeling.
I don't know if any of this would help for somebody else, but I do think a lot of my problem has been that I jump at the food without allowing myself to think about it first. I do think, though, that my current eating plan makes it so much easier to "do the right thing," as it were, than any other way of eating I've tried. So, I'm not sure how much is my strategy of thinking hard about it and how much is what I've been eating.
Sorry so long winded! I should be studying, but I can't stand the thought of it!
Lately it has helped me to think about the fact that the "good" part of the binge -- getting to eat yummy food -- is so temporary, but the aftermath can feel terrible and takes a long time and hard work to get through. (Well, for me it does because I've got to get back on my eating plan and it usually takes me 2 or 3 days to feel like I'm back to my good place -- I'm not sure if it works that way when you're 107 pounds, but it does sound like it takes a while for you to get back to some sort of equilibrium.) I try to make myself really think hard and imagine what I'm going to feel like afterward and also to consider what I'd be giving up for it (such as the good feelings I was having about my weight, how I'm looking, how great it feels to be in control, etc). In the past, I usually would have the urge to eat off plan or to binge and just jump right in, purposely avoiding giving my chance to think about it. This new strategy doesn't always work, but I have been hugely more successful lately than I used to be.
Also, in your case, you have a good idea of what's driving you to eat in an uncontrolled way. Maybe you could remind yourself that eating is not going to solve any of your problems, and after you're done you are not going to feel less stressed, etc. Try to imagine yourself after the binge, and the stress it will add to how you're already feeling.
I don't know if any of this would help for somebody else, but I do think a lot of my problem has been that I jump at the food without allowing myself to think about it first. I do think, though, that my current eating plan makes it so much easier to "do the right thing," as it were, than any other way of eating I've tried. So, I'm not sure how much is my strategy of thinking hard about it and how much is what I've been eating.
Sorry so long winded! I should be studying, but I can't stand the thought of it!
Rubidoux-- Thank you for your response--you definitely reminded me that the "good" is so temporary, that it really isn't "worth it". I know that isn't the root of it for me, whether its worth it or not, but dang that reminder can sure get you through the destructive thoughts (or as my mom calls them: "critical mass thoughts"). So, I appreciate you bringing that up!
Also, just a little update:
My husband and I signed all our papers, and we are officially home owners! We should get the keys Saturday afternoon, and start moving in. Very exciting. Also, our dog, she is ok--she was tested for something called Addison's Disease, because her potassium levels were dangerously high--like, heart attack high. Sometimes that can be an indication of Addisons--fortunately the test results came back negative for Addisons, and she is acting like her old self now that she's gotten some fluids in her. Hopefully its a fluke thing. It's been really hot here, and she may just have been in the sun too much and not drinking enough. We will take her back in in two weeks to just get her levels re-checked and make sure shes on the up and up.
Aww, I'm happy your pup is well. I've got two old dogs and have been through some health scares with them. So far the tests have all turned out fine, but I know that worry.
Feeling like it's the perfect storm..need to vent
we always do....but still 
Take heart in knowing that 'this too shall pass'.
) When you get back, if you still want something to eat...a goodie of sorts...maybe just allowing yourself "some" will alleviate the urge to binge.
to you and your hubby on the NEW HOUSE!
I should be studying, but I can't stand the thought of it!
