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pointless2011
07-25-2011, 11:53 AM
You guys HAVE to help me out here!
So I have been going out with this guy for other 3 years and he is a little over protective with me. Whenever a guy texts me or talks to me he flips out. I used to have a best friend who was a guy for a long time and he ended up being my bf but it didn't work out, so now my bf thinks that if I ever get a GUY friend I would cheat on him. Now people told me that he might be scared because that's what HE does on the side, but I know he doesn't. I don't want to hear anything about it, I just know him and his family or friends would tell me for sure. Anyways, so HOW could I ever explain to him that first off it never worked out with the ex-bf/ex-best friend and that I want to talk to guys too, not in that way though... Any thoughts would be appreciated! :)

....And I really want to see that movie!! The trailer looked so funny.


Lovely
07-25-2011, 12:14 PM
"Hi SO. I'm about to go out to a movie with a friend who happens to have a penis. Looks like a funny movie, so I'll let you know how it is. I'll see you afterwards! Love you!"

I just don't play the game. If it's not a big deal to have male friends, then I act like it's not a big deal. (Because it isn't.)

pointless2011
07-25-2011, 12:24 PM
hahhah that made me laugh. I mean I guess I don't have to have guy friends but it's annoying how whenever I get a text he flips outt


astrophe
07-25-2011, 12:32 PM
I had a BF like that and nothing I did would soothe his fears.

I told him to stop worrying about the "studs out there" who were going to steal me and pay more attention to ME.

It would be less energy and more effective to BE in the relationship with me and try to relate to me than be looking outward fending off imaginary invaders leaving me feeling lonely and bored.

If my relationship needs were being met, why would I go?

But he didn't pay attention and being lonely, bored, and tired of always having to prop up his bad self esteem was getting to be a drag. It wasn't a relationship with back and forth. It was work with me propping him up and making sure nothing would flip him out.

I eventually broke up because he couldn't get over it and I found it suffocating. That's when he told me "I always knew you'd leave me" and I was so angry. I wouldn't have left had he not pushed me away, and having succeeded in that it was supposed to be my fault? He was the broken one not me!

Since then I'm really leery of bad self esteem people. Even for friends.

It's just too draining to be around that kind of self loathing -- and while I feel sorry for them I don't need it.

So no advice other than "If you want to see a movie, go see the movie with whomever you please!" To insecure BF, it won't matter. He'll still be insecure. But your world doesn't have to shrink to match his.

Encourage him to work on this, but think about it if he doesn't. Are you up for being with a person like this indefinitely?

A.

Esofia
07-25-2011, 12:52 PM
Agreed. In a healthy relationship, people see their friends, they build trust together, and they talk to each other about things they're worried about. Try to talk this out with him. A friend of mine just got out of a relationship which most of us didn't realise was abusive, and the main way in which it was abusive was that his girlfriend was insanely jealous and gradually isolated him from all his friends, as well as insulting him and his friends, and alternating between being sweet and loving with psychological torture. He's in shreds from all the abuse, and now she's stalking him. Jealousy is not a healthy thing. You don't want to let your relationship anywhere near that territory.

Does your boyfriend have female friends? How does he feel about them? You've been together for three years, any idea why this is coming up as an issue now? Is there anything in his life which is making him feel powerless, such as problems at work?

pointless2011
07-25-2011, 12:59 PM
astrophe: I mean I know where he is coming from, I would not be ok with him texting other girls even if they are friends..
Esofia: No he doesn't have any female friends, and we used to party when we just met and go out and do stuff with people but now we're settled with out jobs and I also go to school full time so we kind of lost all of our friends ( meaning we barely see them)

nina125
07-25-2011, 01:01 PM
Personally, I will never tolerate this kind of behavior from any guy because A) it is disrespectful: He is basically insinuating that you have low morals B) it is controlling: No one should ever tell you who you can talk to or to whom you can't. BIG RED FLAG!

I have been in a relationship like this before where my ex flipped out when I went out with my sister and a male friend visiting from Australia out for dinner. He accused me of cheating on him when I turned off my phone because he called me around 40 times in an hour (not exaggerating) and it was getting very embarrassing. After my sister talked to him, he conceded that I did not cheat on him however I was "thinking" of cheating on him :rolleyes: I should have listened to my gut and ran, however I stayed and tried to work things out with him. Less than a year later, he cheated on me with a subordinate from work.

I asked my now husband if he ever got jealous or upset when I talked to other guys. He said that it didn't bother him because he trusted me, and that if I were the cheating kind, his jealous and temper tantrums will not stop me from cheating.

Esofia
07-25-2011, 01:07 PM
That sounds stressful for both of you, hon. Time to rekindle your social life together, maybe? I was about to suggest student parties since you're studying (and I take my hat off to you for studying while working, it's not easy), but something where you both know roughly the same number of people would probably be best. Dig out those friends you haven't seen in ages. I hate it when I suddenly realise that a friendship has slid into the fog for no better reason than absent-mindedness.

What's wrong with him texting other women? It's hardly adultery! If he wants to cheat on you then trying to stop him from seeing people won't stop him, but restricting his life and making him feel trapped is more likely to encourage furtiveness and even infidelity. After all, look how that sort of behaviour is making you feel. Talk about it together, talk about how you both feel about fidelity and each other. It's a much better solution to the first pangs of unwarranted jealousy than letting it push you apart and isolate you both from your friends.

ETA: That was address to Pointless, not Nina who sounds like she's in a nice healthy relationship!

alaskanlaughter
07-25-2011, 02:05 PM
communication is definitely the key....along with trust...it sounds like the OP bf doesnt trust her and it sounds like that's based in his own insecurities and issues

DH and i met when we were both right out of young, dysfunctional yet long-term relationships....some of those issues still surface every once in awhile but we're able to work through them...i know he has lots of friends who are girls, he has ex girlfriends on facebook while i have an ex boyfriend on mine...but i trust that he's not sneaking around on me and he trusts me with the same....i know that if i was every truly uncomfortable with a situation, that he would be respectful of that and that i would do the same for him

sometimes his past issues surface and i try to work with that and understand it....he got out of a bad relationship before where his gf even literally stabbed him in the back with a knife!....he worries if he can't get ahold of me sometimes, it makes him nervous if i'm out doing things in the evening that arent part of my usual routine, stuff like that....but we both recognize that it's residue from the past and we both understand that and work with it...rather than me thinking "omg he doesnt trust me" and flip out

ade903
07-25-2011, 03:31 PM
astrophe: I mean I know where he is coming from, I would not be ok with him texting other girls even if they are friends..

If he can't text other girls, why can you text other guys?

ShanIAm
07-25-2011, 03:35 PM
Just food for thought but --- if this guy of yours is this jealous and possessive now, what is he going to be like when you lose those 20 pounds? Because even that one variable of losing weight can cause havoc on a relationship even when the guy is just a little bit insecure. His reason (or your opinion) for him thinking you can't be friends with a guy because it MIGHT lead to something else is just.....a bad excuse.

I have a couple male friends too but the minute I am in a relationship I make sure my new significant other meets these male friends of mine. There is no hiding, no lying, no nothing. If my new SO has issues then, well, those are his to own. I can only listen to him, see if his concerns are valid and discuss what kind of compromise we can come to.

Are your bf's concerns valid or is he just acting like an insecure brat? Basically, is he handling this with maturity? When I was younger I used to look at this behavior as flattering. Now it's just unattractive and annoying.

And remember.... it's likely to get worse the closer you get to your goal weight.

:hug:

CrystalZ10
07-25-2011, 04:01 PM
Quote:
Originally Posted by pointless2011
astrophe: I mean I know where he is coming from, I would not be ok with him texting other girls even if they are friends..

If he can't text other girls, why can you text other guys?

This is just my opinion....

I'm sorry but if my man was taking off to hang out with other girls and I wasn't there, it would be a VERY big deal and I'd break off the relationship. This includes texting other girls or talking to them on the phone. If we are in a relationship, than I expect him to only be with me. He can hang with his girl buddies, but not without me there. Stuff can happen without anyone meaning for it to happen. Its less likely to happen if your not alone with someone or you just avoid them altogether.

If your not willing to stop texting other guys or talking to them even though you know it bothers him, than maybe its time to move on. After all, if he was doing it, than everyone here would be telling you to lay down the law, or dump him, and you admitted you wouldn't like it. So why not put yourself in his shoes? Or just treat him the way you want him to treat you?

Again, its just my opinon.

astrophe
07-25-2011, 04:08 PM
astrophe: I mean I know where he is coming from, I would not be ok with him texting other girls even if they are friends..


Weird. I think texting friends is harmless.

What's wrong with him texting other women? It's hardly adultery! If he wants to cheat on you then trying to stop him from seeing people won't stop him, but restricting his life and making him feel trapped is more likely to encourage furtiveness and even infidelity. After all, look how that sort of behaviour is making you feel. Talk about it together, talk about how you both feel about fidelity and each other. It's a much better solution to the first pangs of unwarranted jealousy than letting it push you apart and isolate you both from your friends.

This was well put.

I'd encourage you guys to talk all this out. It is needlessly cramping you both not to have friendships with other people.

I know you are a couple, but just couples cannot be it. Never interact with the rest of the world? That's not realistic.

A.

NEMom
07-25-2011, 04:22 PM
I have been married a LONG time and I have no male friends that are not my DH male friends and he would NOT like it if I was texting and talking to them without him being involved in the exchange. On the filp side, he has NO female friends that are not my female friends. If he talks or texts them, I want to know what it is about.
We do not have trust issues but I think it is a respect thing. When we go out there use to be one female who hugged him a little to long and every time we saw her, I made sure that he knew how I felt and because he did know, he avoided her even when we are out together.
JMO but I think it would be disrespectful to my husband to develop a close friendship with a male and I would feel disrespected if he developed a close relationship with a female.

fitness4life
07-25-2011, 08:59 PM
As a 41 y.o., I've had experience with this all my life. Here's what I learned.

A woman wants female friends. A woman appreciates male friends. Why? IDk, coz they"re cool! I loved my guy friends! It's an entirely different dynamic.

Here's what I learned. Every single one of my guy friends has admitted to a sexual attraction to me and they knew I didn't want "it" from them, so they settled for platonic. But the entire motive was to eventually develop the friendship into something more than that.

"When Harry met Sally" exemplifies this scenario.

Also, my ex made me end all friendships with my male friends. Some of them were lifelong friends. Out of respect, I ended those contacts. I miss them dearly. However, my ex was right. Even my life long male friend, who admitted to wanting more, now that I'm divorced, he's married, I tried to rekindle that friendship and guess what? Now that he's married, he hasn't responded to me. Why? Because, I think, he's found his love. He doesn't want my friendship...because my friendship, to him, was meant to be turned into something better.

As an unmarried woman with a bf, I encourage my bf to maintain any female friendships he has had. He refuses. He's even rude to those women! Why? I think it's because those chicks weren't his "friends", they were his "list" girls - girls he could go to if/when he wanted more than friends. He doesn't care about them like girls care about guy friends.

It's sorry and sad, but I really do think that guys and girls can't be friends unless they're friends as couples. Or friends as, let's say, your bf's best guy friend is also friends with you out of respect.

That all said, my ex's reaction and actions to my being friends ended up being on the abusiveness side and not the healthy side. So, rather than worry about why your bf is a pain when it comes to your having guy friends, examine how he's dealing with it to judge if he's of healthy mind. If he's putting ultimatums and punishments up in his response, really look at that. If he's merely saying the Harry met Sally thing and letting you go about your business without much strife, then consider the Harry met Sally thing, decide who you love more (the friends or the bf) and do what you think is right.

Eventually, if bf and you end up married, it's pretty clear to me, in all the healthy marriages I have ever known, men own man friendships, and women own woman friendships and the ones that cross over are couple friendships.

That's just how it is. Guys don't seek women for friends. They seek the possibility of something more.

Just my opinion.

nina125
07-26-2011, 10:38 AM
I am going to have to disagree with fitness4life. Not all people seek out friendships hoping that it will "develop into something more". I have male friends that I have genuine affection & consider them more like my bothers. They never made advances at me & neither did I when we were all single. Similarily, my husband has life-long female friends with whom he was never attracted to and they still continue to be friends. Of course, they all became both our friends after we got married, and my husband tags along when I visit my guy friends and vice-versa.

I also work in a very male-dominated industry and have to make male friends at work & outside of work in order to advance in my career. My husband understands and support that.. He knows that I go to happy hours for strictly networking purposes, and he also knows that he will be the first person I call if I had too much to drink.

And yeah, you would only be someone's "list girl" if you allow yourself to be one. I would never be friends with someone who considered me that.

Moreover, if one of my friends dump me the minute they get into a relationship, I too would never give them the time of day when they decide to rekindle the friendship. I'd rather invest in life-long friends than shallow ones.

krampus
07-26-2011, 10:56 AM
I'm not so naive as to think that most male-female friendships are 100% platonic - they never are unless neither of you are attracted to each other at all - but I also don't see why it's my boyfriend's business who I text. I certainly couldn't care less if he talks to girls, even flirting wouldn't bother me much. Both of us have plenty of people in our respective "orbits" who are just waiting for the day we break it off and are back on the market, but too bad. We've agreed to be exclusive to each other and we honor that agreement.

sacha
07-26-2011, 11:12 AM
My best friend of now 14 years is male. We do not hang out alone - ever - now that we are both in committed relationships (I have been with my fiance for 4 years, 1 child together, and my friend is married to his long-term girlfriend). When you are young and casual, I really don't think it's a big deal - but as life goes on, you get a bit older, you have marriage/kids involved, you get quite committed, it becomes rather disrespectful to still spend time alone with the opposite sex without your partner. That's just my opinion and it works for us.

Whether you don't want each see other opposite-sex friends alone ever or you are a member of a swingers sex club, it does not matter, as long as both partners are on the same page.

Esofia
07-26-2011, 11:39 AM
Question for all the people who feel that you mustn't have opposite-sex friends when you are in a relationship: how does this work if you are in a world where not everyone is heterosexual? I'm including bisexuality here.

djs06
07-26-2011, 11:47 AM
Question for all the people who feel that you mustn't have opposite-sex friends when you are in a relationship: how does this work if you are in a world where not everyone is heterosexual? I'm including bisexuality here.

Ha, I was thinking about that as I read through this thread. I'm a lesbian and my closest friends are straight females. I guess the equivalent for me would be my girlfriend getting jealous if I had other lesbian friends? I don't know. Same is true for my girlfriend- I don't get jealous of her female friends, and they are potentially "threats" to me, the same way male-female friends would be to a straight person.... The whole thing perplexes me. You either trust someone or you don't.

nina125
07-26-2011, 12:58 PM
Question for all the people who feel that you mustn't have opposite-sex friends when you are in a relationship: how does this work if you are in a world where not everyone is heterosexual? I'm including bisexuality here.


You are screwed :lol:

alaskanlaughter
07-26-2011, 01:59 PM
Ha, I was thinking about that as I read through this thread. I'm a lesbian and my closest friends are straight females. I guess the equivalent for me would be my girlfriend getting jealous if I had other lesbian friends? I don't know. Same is true for my girlfriend- I don't get jealous of her female friends, and they are potentially "threats" to me, the same way male-female friends would be to a straight person.... The whole thing perplexes me. You either trust someone or you don't.

my thoughts exactly

LiannaKole
07-26-2011, 02:12 PM
I mean I know where he is coming from, I would not be ok with him texting other girls even if they are friends..

Personally, in my relationships I don't tend to accept it well when my boyfriends are too insecure or possessive (had a couple of those, and not going back). At the same time, if I expect to be able to hang out with other guys, I don't expect them to not be able to text or hang out with other girls.

I think if you're not okay with him texting any girl other than you - even if she's a friend - then it's not totally unfair of him to expect something similar from you.

fitness4life
07-26-2011, 02:48 PM
Nina, I see your point. I wonder how old you are. This may be a generation-gap thing. IDK.

I, too, have guy friends at work, but I don't think that applies to the OP's original question.

To clarify, the life-long friend in my case...My husband at the time was roommates with him for 6 months. That's how I met my H. My H demanded control of the couple-friendship. I simply backed off and let guys be guys. I didn't know at the time, that my H knew of that friend's affection for me. So the friend, knowing that my husband knew he liked me, was in full understanding why I was being cut-off from my life long friendship with him. This all went down after 5 years of dating and 2 additional years of marriage. It's not at all like I just dropped him for a new relationship. I'm certainly not that shallow and short-sighted.

sacha
07-26-2011, 03:00 PM
For those of you who think "you either trust someone or you don't", I'm curious to know where the line is drawn. As someone who also worked in a male-dominated profession, I've seen that certain situations (usually with liquor involved) can cause even the best example of husband or wife to do things that they would not normally do. As relationships grow, kids get thrown in, stresses of marital life, things can happen. I've seen it over and over again.

IMO, it is naive to think that certain situations (spending time with 'work' friends, going out to parties without spouse, long-term separation ie. army leave) do not threaten a marriage and leave it vulnerable to infidelity. Completely naive. Yes, trust is trust, but even the kindest people can make mistakes in a moment of poor judgment. Those situations are best avoided.

Again, I am a firm believer in platonic opposite-sex friendships, in fact my best friend is male and my fiance is still friends with his long-term ex, but the idea of either of us hanging out with/going to diner with/spending time with ALONE is completely out of the question. IMO for us, it is a boundary.

djs06
07-26-2011, 04:12 PM
For those of you who think "you either trust someone or you don't", I'm curious to know where the line is drawn. As someone who also worked in a male-dominated profession, I've seen that certain situations (usually with liquor involved) can cause even the best example of husband or wife to do things that they would not normally do. As relationships grow, kids get thrown in, stresses of marital life, things can happen. I've seen it over and over again.

IMO, it is naive to think that certain situations (spending time with 'work' friends, going out to parties without spouse, long-term separation ie. army leave) do not threaten a marriage and leave it vulnerable to infidelity. Completely naive. Yes, trust is trust, but even the kindest people can make mistakes in a moment of poor judgment. Those situations are best avoided.

Again, I am a firm believer in platonic opposite-sex friendships, in fact my best friend is male and my fiance is still friends with his long-term ex, but the idea of either of us hanging out with/going to diner with/spending time with ALONE is completely out of the question. IMO for us, it is a boundary.

I think it's definitely past the line when the OP's boyfriend "flips out" when she talks to someone of the opposite sex. To me, that sounds controlling and not very healthy. And I think that's different than the slippery slope of having drinks with coworkers and acting inappropriately, or responding to relationship stressors in unanticipated ways, etc.

I do think that friendships change when you get married or are in a committed, long-term relationship. Of course there is time for friends and having friendships and activities outside of a relationship is totally healthy. But you do need to prioritize in a way that confirms your SO as your primary, most significant relationship.

nina125
07-26-2011, 04:23 PM
For those of you who think "you either trust someone or you don't", I'm curious to know where the line is drawn. As someone who also worked in a male-dominated profession, I've seen that certain situations (usually with liquor involved) can cause even the best example of husband or wife to do things that they would not normally do. As relationships grow, kids get thrown in, stresses of marital life, things can happen. I've seen it over and over again.

IMO, it is naive to think that certain situations (spending time with 'work' friends, going out to parties without spouse, long-term separation ie. army leave) do not threaten a marriage and leave it vulnerable to infidelity. Completely naive. Yes, trust is trust, but even the kindest people can make mistakes in a moment of poor judgment. Those situations are best avoided.

Again, I am a firm believer in platonic opposite-sex friendships, in fact my best friend is male and my fiance is still friends with his long-term ex, but the idea of either of us hanging out with/going to diner with/spending time with ALONE is completely out of the question. IMO for us, it is a boundary.


My husband knows that he is always invited any social (work/family/friends) event that I go to. However he prefers not to go if it is a after hours work-related or if there if it is with a bunch of my girlfriends (straight or gay) out at a bar. My husband always drives me to & from these events because he knows that I don't handle alcohol very well, and not because he suspects my alcohol-induced judgement.

You are right about the part that anything like alcohol, long-term separation, etc can possibly lead to infidelity. However, my point is that no amount of policing is going to stop your SO from cheating if that is where they are heading.

Esofia
07-26-2011, 04:56 PM
I really don't buy the "things happen by accident" excuse. It's tantamount to saying, "Oops, I tripped and landed in someone's groin and got stuck." I have never ever heard of a consensual sexual encounter where someone was unaware, due to drugs or alcohol or any other reason, what their relationship status was at the time of the encounter.

An accident is something like when I'd just got together with my partner and was in the new-couple stage of not being able to keep our hands off each other, and a good friend of mine, another bi woman I've known for years and have zero romantic or sexual interest in, was round at my flat telling me about her horrible day at work. I gave her a comforting hug - I hug my friends, I think this is normal, and incidentally I don't fret about how long we hug for - and then absent-mindedly gave her a kiss on the shoulder, on auto-pilot because I'd been spending so much time wrapped around my new partner. I immediately froze in horror, said, "Sorry, wrong person!" and we fell about laughing. Apparently the look on my face was absolutely priceless, and it's been a standing joke with us ever since. That's an accident. Falling into bed with someone isn't an accident, though it can be a mistake. It's still a mistake that people are aware of committing at the time, and which is rarely committed without any prior thought at all.

I have many friends who are oriented towards women and have never engaged in infidelity with any of them. Occasionally there's a small spark, that's normal, it happens between humans, you just laugh it off if it's not something you want, and that can be because of fidelity issues or simply because you realise that you fancy each other slightly but aren't suited as a couple. More often, there is affection and laughter and mock-flirting - there's a running joke with another friend of mine (another bi woman, and again there is zero romantic or sexual interest) that I'm having an affair with her incredible knee-length auburn hair.

I'm less likely to mock-flirt with a straight man, I admit, there's that daft "When Harry Met Sally" expectation (by the way, guys, that's a film, films aren't interested in showing normal healthy relationships because those don't have enough drama), so it's often with gay men or queer women and there's a certain level of campness which helps us situate it firmly as a joke and not something to be acted upon. I'd categorise plenty of the comments I see on this forum as jovial mock-flirting, such as when someone posts a progress photo and someone else says, "You look smokin' hot, darling!" I haven't noticed anyone leaping in on such a comment to say, "Hey, you two, break it up, you have husbands to think of here!"

If you find that you are unable to prevent yourself from having sex with someone of your preferred gender the minute you are alone with them, then you need psychiatric help. If you enjoy cheating on your partners and get a rush from it, then you need to learn how to treat people well in a relationship and again, therapy would probably be useful here. If you find that you are honestly constrained by being with just one partner and that you love more than one person at once, then explore polyamory and learn about honestly negotiated plural relationships. If you don't trust your partner not to cheat on you, or don't feel that you can be trusted not to cheat on them, and your relationship is meant to be monogamous, then for heaven's sake don't go charging into marriage without sorting that issue out first. Not all people are suited to monogamy, and there's nothing wrong with that, there are many ways of loving people, but there is something wrong with deliberate deception, which is an entirely different matter. Incidentally, my friends who are polyamorous are also perfectly capable of being faithful to their partners, and indeed are far more conscientious about that sort of thing than many of the supposedly monogamous folks I know. Negotiation with your partner, and honesty with yourself, are important in all flavours of relationships.

krampus
07-27-2011, 12:40 AM
For those of you who think "you either trust someone or you don't", I'm curious to know where the line is drawn. As someone who also worked in a male-dominated profession, I've seen that certain situations (usually with liquor involved) can cause even the best example of husband or wife to do things that they would not normally do. As relationships grow, kids get thrown in, stresses of marital life, things can happen. I've seen it over and over again.

IMO, it is naive to think that certain situations (spending time with 'work' friends, going out to parties without spouse, long-term separation ie. army leave) do not threaten a marriage and leave it vulnerable to infidelity. Completely naive. Yes, trust is trust, but even the kindest people can make mistakes in a moment of poor judgment. Those situations are best avoided.

Again, I am a firm believer in platonic opposite-sex friendships, in fact my best friend is male and my fiance is still friends with his long-term ex, but the idea of either of us hanging out with/going to diner with/spending time with ALONE is completely out of the question. IMO for us, it is a boundary.

I don't know, even if I'm blackout drunk dirty dancing with a handsome stranger on vacation, I still know my boundaries. Obviously some situations are best avoided but even in the most compromising scenario, it's BS to "forget" how to behave.

I'd like to fist-pump Esofia and everything she's posted so far. She knows what's up!

Edit: Of course I'm speaking as someone in a 5 year long "casual" relationship with no "future" so to speak, we are basically "seeing each other" and not on the marriage or family track.

astrophe
07-27-2011, 04:56 AM
For those of you who think "you either trust someone or you don't", I'm curious to know where the line is drawn.


The line to what?

In the case of wigging out over a text from a friend when dating? That would be a red flag to me. Because that's not an unreasonable thing -- to have a friend text. There are some controlling predators who want to isolate you from your friends and family... rush the relationship to exclusivity too fast... want to get all up in your biz too soon...that would set off alarms for me.

There's also needy, insecure people who need constant reassurance for their own low self esteem. That wouldn't interested me in a dating partner either. That's tiresome to have to "prove" your trustworthiness to them over and over.

As someone who also worked in a male-dominated profession, I've seen that certain situations (usually with liquor involved) can cause even the best example of husband or wife to do things that they would not normally do. As relationships grow, kids get thrown in, stresses of marital life, things can happen. I've seen it over and over again.

So... monogamy didn't work for these people? Why promise that then? Because having one drink is not the gateway excuse to forgetting your promises. "Ahhhh! I had a drink! I can't manage to be a decent person now and keep it in my pants!"

Going steady, married AND mono, married but open, poly -- whatever. There's a lot of ways to love. The point is to honor whatever your personal agreement is with your partner. Be honest. And if you aren't seeking the same things from the relationship, or if over time you have fallen out of love, or the former arrangement no long works and you can't come to a new agreement... well, break up clean first before starting anew then if you cannot renegotiate new terms.

Otherwise we're right back at the start again with the predator people seeking to abuse/misuse for their own weird jollies. They flat out don't CARE if they hurt their partner, or get off on the thrill of cheating and getting away with it or feel entitled to use whoever or...

IMO, it is naive to think that certain situations (spending time with 'work' friends, going out to parties without spouse, long-term separation ie. army leave) do not threaten a marriage and leave it vulnerable to infidelity. Completely naive.

Well, sure. But I think the root of all those is not getting needs met in the relationship and/or not being realistic.

You can be married, at home together every night, never relate and feel lonely as all get out. You could also have all your needs met, stay out all night dancing and come home and stay true. So?

It still boils down to being honest and actually relating to your partner and having a relationship with them.

A.

pointless2011
07-29-2011, 02:23 AM
Whoaa just went on a small vaca to Miami and I come back to so many posts! Usually my threads don't get this many LOL. Took me good 20 mins to read everything and I do agree with some of you. I mean it shouldn't be a big deal but I think why he feels that way is because of his previous relationships. Also back in my high school days, I was kind of immature and cheated on my previous boyfriends and he knows about it (it was with HIM lol). I am actually not one of those "once a cheater always a cheater" but it's still in the back of his head. I guess that's why he feels kind of insecure.

pointless2011
07-29-2011, 02:24 AM
But thank you guys so much for your replies! I def don't feel like I'm alone on this. Or at least someone gets where I'm coming from. :)

DreamAngelsHeavenly
07-30-2011, 04:30 AM
Wow, this is a heated thread. We all have different boundaries. For some this is okay and for some it is disrespectful. Best for people to discuss what is and isn't okay with their significant other and make those decisions. I too tend to be on the conservative side of boundaries... And I am a 20 something. To me the bond between two is sacred and you should do what you can to protect it. I don't believe you should put yourself in harms way just to do it because you trust each other... Like the dirty dancing on some other person about to black out drunk-- I would feel inappropriate in my relationship. I have noticed slippery slopes with loose boundaries (from observing others). But if other people are cool with that- more power to you. If some people are okay with whatever- then good for them. As long as me and my boyfriend are on the same page, I could care less what other people do. I do not think because other people tell you "no you should trust him" or "you shouldn't get mad about that"- they are your feelings and you have a right to them. Don't go along with something that makes you uncomfortable. If your partner loves you they will respect your boundaries. As long as you and your boyfriend have agreed to what boundaries you have, then that is all there is to it. However, I am guessing a double standard won't work. It won't be okay for you to hang out with guy friends and him not to be able to text his girl friends... That you will have to work out amongst yourselves!! P.S. You are definitley not alone in this. :)

EZMONEY
07-30-2011, 11:45 AM
Pretty sure I'd be pissed if my wife "hung out" with male friend/s instead of me...and vice-versa.....

How does that saying go again?


oh yeah...."I don't know how it happened...we didn't intend on it happening...it just did...."

sure....

Friends with benefits comes at a cost!

Singe
07-31-2011, 06:42 AM
Negotiation with your partner, and honesty with yourself, are important in all flavours of relationships.

Wisdom.

pointless2011
07-31-2011, 12:59 PM
Hello everyone, I broke up with my boyfriend yesterday. He was texting some girl (that ended up being his first gf ever WTF) and went out somewhere with her. I called her and she said they didn't do anything he just kissed her on her cheek. But this thread is pretty much pointless now lol

astrophe
07-31-2011, 06:55 PM
I don't think it was pointless -- in your next relationship you can think about how to negotiate the boundaries so you both are on the same page more. Although people expressed it in different ways, that seemed to be the main idea -- both partners need to talk and be on the same page about how they want to be in the relationship.

I cannot tell how you feel from the post though.

If the break up hurts -- I'm sorry.
If the break up is like -- oh, thank goodness! I'm free! -- then I'm glad you are free again.

Either way -- :hug:

GL to you on the next adventure!
A.

CrystalZ10
07-31-2011, 08:21 PM
Hello everyone, I broke up with my boyfriend yesterday. He was texting some girl (that ended up being his first gf ever WTF) and went out somewhere with her. I called her and she said they didn't do anything he just kissed her on her cheek. But this thread is pretty much pointless now lol

Wow! That sucks... Guess he was flipping out over the texts cause he was busy doing it to you...Actualy going out with someone behind your back is way worse...I am sorry it happend to you. :(:hug:

pointless2011
07-31-2011, 10:10 PM
its okay thanks guys