100 lb. Club - Another hot man, big lady thread...




paris81
07-25-2011, 10:06 AM
Hi everyone!

I'm having a mental dilemma, and I'd love some input.

So I'm dating this guy, we've been going out for just over a month now. To me, he's ideal in many ways--has an M.A., is a teacher, smart, tall...and bonus, he's HOT. He likes to work out and eat healthy, I noticed right away that he's got some nice (amazing, drool-worthy) arm muscles, and last night when I was with him, I felt a pretty amazing six-pack under his shirt. :dizzy:

The problem is that I'm just having trouble with this match of him and me, in terms of our opposing body types. I don't know if it's that I don't believe it when he says he's attracted to me, or what. Now, intellectually, I know that all kinds of people are attracted to all kinds of people, and just because he's so built and I'm so...not, doesn't mean he couldn't be attracted to me. And if a friend were expressing similar concerns, I would think she were crazy, because why wouldn't he be totally hot for her!

I realize that I'm a lovely, interesting, and yes, attractive woman. I know this. But...at the same time...I just wonder about this man who is so hot and so into me, it doesn't seem possible at all, being the size that I am.

So, any tips on how to just accept this? How to get over this mental block? It just feels like a disconnect, and it's not anything against me at all--it's more a feeling that, how can a guy like this, in the culture that we live in, be attracted to me? I just go back and forth, because as I type this, I see how totally ridiculous this sounds. I'm lovely! But...I'm obese too, and this world has been telling me all my life that hot fit men belong with hot fit women. What to do?!


cherrypie
07-25-2011, 10:40 AM
why else would he be dating you if he didn't think you were attractive?

astrophe
07-25-2011, 10:43 AM
MY DH isn't esp athletic, but he's a long, tall drink of water. Where since he's met me, I've gone up and down all the way to where I am.

Rarely do I wonder why he's with me. I do wonder at his metabolism because he eats all kinds of crazy that my metabolism could not handle!

Maybe because it is new, you wonder.

When it gets to be an older, established relationship, and you've had all those "How do I love thee? Let me count the ways..." moments, you will have all the answers and then some to why you guys are together and work so well.

Try to relax and enjoy the new relationship energy. :)

GL!
A.


thaisccs
07-25-2011, 10:56 AM
I wish I could help you but I'm sort of in the same place. I'm not dating him but things might happen... and all I can think is "how the **** am I supposed to be naked (eventually) in front of this guy??" I don't know what to do about it either but I just wanted to show you support.

He is already dating you so we can say he is interested in you. We can do this, I have faith in us!

EDIT: oooh, I said a bad word and the forum censored me! Sorry! I'm a potty mouth!

Jen516
07-25-2011, 11:22 AM
I'm right there with thaisccs... no real advice, but a ton of I'm-right-there-with-you support. I'm a super confident chica in almost every respect, but I rarely see the signs that I guy might be into me because I don't believe it's true. I mean, I wouldn't have wanted to date me at 250lb, why would anybody else? It's been beaten into me that fat = unattractive. I knew losing the weight wouldn't solve the problem, it's a mental thing. I guess we just have to accept that it might be true, that a guy is into us, and go out on a limb! Just roll with it!

allison0102
07-25-2011, 11:34 AM
I can understand where you're coming from. I have struggled with my weight all of my adult life (ranging anywhere from 230 to over 300 lbs) and I have somehow managed to reel in the hotties (yes, skinny girlfriends have been jealous-haha).

All I can say is this - not everyone has the same idea of what is hot and what is attractive for a woman. Yes, I can understand the media is really idealizing the stick figure "women," but so many guys appreciate a woman with curves (that's including thunder thighs, hips, and a tummy). I've been with the same guy for 5 and a half years now. He goes to martial arts classes 3 times a week and has the arms, chest, and stomach to show for it. Sure, sometimes I think "how could he want ME"...but it's times like that you just have to get out of your head and into the moment! I think sometimes accepting yourself as you are helps you to be able to accept what he is offering...

JamiSue3916
07-25-2011, 11:39 AM
why else would he be dating you if he didn't think you were attractive?

I like the simplicity of this question. Unless you suspect he's some kind of scheming chubby chaser, looking to score by preying on the low self esteem of the overweight woman; the only other alternative is that your beauty and brains have forced him to defy the so called laws of todays culture. :D

SweetTreat80
07-25-2011, 11:47 AM
He's obviously with you for a reason, whether it be your awesome personality, witty sense of humour, killer smile, the way you look in a hot black dress or all of the above, the point is: he's with you, enjoy it:)

On a personal level I've been there, done that, married it!I've been big my whole life and my Husband is a former Marine so he's in quite good shape and his mindset is that "real women have curves and curves are sexy and feminine" and when he looks at what Hollywood considers "curvy" he considers thin and unhealthy lol

You'd really be surprised at what men REALLY find attractive verses what the media/hollywood SAY men find attractive.

Pacifica Bee
07-25-2011, 11:50 AM
Revel that he is into you, lady!

I SO understand where you are coming from though. When I met my (now) husband, I weighed 300ish pounds. He was tall, thin (a little too thin truth be told) GORGEOUS, and 12 years younger than me. I could not for the life of my figure out why he wanted to date me. In my mind, I worried about every evil scheme that could possibly explain WHY this hotty was into me.

It really took a couple of years for me to just get over it and realize that when someone likes/loves you, the reality is, looks don't matter. My husband saw something in me that had nothing to do with my body or how I felt about it, and it sounds like your man is in the same boat.

nelie
07-25-2011, 11:53 AM
I weigh 60-70 lbs more than my husband and he calls me his hot trophy wife. I weighed double his weight when we first started dating. We have a lot of shared interests and we enjoy each other's company. And I know he finds me attractive, just as I find him attractive. My advice is go with it.

Jo Kittibuck
07-25-2011, 11:54 AM
You're in a brand new relationship, it's normal to feel a little insecure. If it wasn't about weight, it would be about something else. It's good that you recognize the silliness of the feelings on an intellectual level, but it sucks to still have them, ne? Hopefully they should fade as you get comfortable with him.

Skinny in Oz
07-25-2011, 12:07 PM
Everyone has something about which they are insecure --- the too-big nose, the acne, too flat, too tall ---- and, especially at the beginning of a relationship, such things get blown all out of proportion.

So, you aren't model thin. It's not like he doesn't know it! :D He is obviously comfortable with your weight ---- you should follow his lead. Just relax and be yourself --- and ENJOY yourself! And strut a little ---- sexy is more attitude than body shape, m'dear.

konfyoozed
07-25-2011, 12:22 PM
MY DH isn't esp athletic, but he's a long, tall drink of water. Where since he's met me, I've gone up and down all the way to where I am.

Rarely do I wonder why he's with me. I do wonder at his metabolism because he eats all kinds of crazy that my metabolism could not handle!

Maybe because it is new, you wonder.

When it gets to be an older, established relationship, and you've had all those "How do I love thee? Let me count the ways..." moments, you will have all the answers and then some to why you guys are together and work so well.

Try to relax and enjoy the new relationship energy. :)

GL!
A.

i'm in this same boat. when i met my husband i was about 120lbs heavier than him... at about the same height. i think my husband is all kinds of sexy... but i'm also biased. he met me at my heaviest. at 300 pounds to his 180. about a year into the relationship his crohn's flared so bad he spent 18 days in the hospital and over the course of about a month and a half went down to 135, and i probably gained 10 pounds eating fast food on the way home from the hospital and ice cream for comfort when i got home.

it often makes me think of the 'jack sprat' poem. "jack sprat could eat no fat, his wife could eat no lean... and so between them both, you see, they licked the platter clean".

it does get easier as time goes on... i can promise that. that anxiety about the size difference was there, no matter how much he held my hand or kissed me in public. TMI here, but my anxiety about my size possibly being a turn off for my husband went away completely the first time we had sex and it was obvious he enjoyed himself. I'm not saying rush into bed with this new guy, just letting you know how it happened for me.

relax and have fun! your confidence will be a turn on... and if your confidence isn't quite there, that's one of those few things you can fake until it's real.

good luck!

April Snow
07-25-2011, 12:29 PM
are you really rich or something? If not, I'm guessing that since he's asking you out, he's attracted to you! lol!

I've dated hot guys myself, including weight lifters and other men who put a lot of time into their bodies. It doesn't mean they want the same thing in a woman - I had guys comment about women that I thought were pretty "naw, too skinny!"

Trazey34
07-25-2011, 03:05 PM
attraction is a weird and wonderful thing isn't it? HOW deathly boring if everyone wanted exactly the same thing!

that being said, i KNOW exactly how you feel, as I'm a cynic by nature even tho I'm a positive and happy person something in the back of my mind would always be "hmmmm" when thinner dudes asked me out before I met my DH. Some were chubby chasers, some thought they could control a girl "no one else would want" hahaha, or the old stand-by, if a girl is fat of COURSE that means she'll bang me right away out of gratitude hahahah or how about NONE of the above a$$hole hahahah Guys like that you can spot a mile away so I wouldn't worry about it ~ if he likes you, he likes you. Don't ruin it by getting in your own way, get outta your head!!!

InsideMe
07-25-2011, 03:21 PM
Lets keep this simple:

1. Obviously he see's something in you that he's attracted to

2. So look around at all the beautiful people who do like you in your life. Obviously they like you for a reason. So if they see it including your new hunka burnin' love, then it's obviously there ;)

3. And girl! OMG ENJOYYYYYYY!!!!

paris81
07-25-2011, 05:22 PM
Thanks for such great support and responses, everyone! I really appreciate it all, and it's exactly what I needed to hear...I know I'm sexy, I do, and I know that I'm smart and not going to allow a man to treat me like crap. But I guess that only goes so far (I can handle dating average bodied guys without thinking too much of it, this man is just SO FIT!) :)

Anyway, I guess I'm just going to have to live with insecurity until it goes away. And as many of you have said--enjoy it!

I guess another main worry about this whole thing is this: I'm not as self-conscious about my actual size. For the most part, in clothes, I think I look pretty good. But when/if the time comes for clothes off, it's all the lumps and bumps, rolls and folds, and that dreaded c-word (Cellulite!) that worries me the most. I'm working on this with the weight loss, of course, but if this moves at a normal pace of a relationship, there's no way it will all be gone by the time we should get there, and even if it did, there will no doubt be other worries, like loose skin, to deal with.

Does he realize that this is how I look underneath?

So my next question for you is: Do men who haven't been with an overweight women know overweight female bodies look without clothes? That's there are nicks and crannies all over? Ack!

Trazey34
07-25-2011, 06:40 PM
When the time comes, he'll be thinking:

1)OMG i'm going to get some
2) BOOBS
3) OMG i'm going to get some

Esofia
07-25-2011, 06:47 PM
They really will be thinking that, I agree. Also that someone having a less than perfect body isn't a big deal, but someone who keeps on saying "am I fat? You don't mind how I look, do you?" and similar is a big turn-off. If you ever get the temptation to say that out of nervousness, and I think we've all felt tempted to say it, DON'T!

konfyoozed
07-25-2011, 06:48 PM
When the time comes, he'll be thinking:

1)OMG i'm going to get some
2) BOOBS
3) OMG i'm going to get some

pretty much this.

at that time, they aren't looking for your imperfections. unless you point them out, he probably wouldn't even notice them.

as robin williams said, 'god gave man 2 heads and only enough blood to operate one at a time'... he won't be thinking too hard about "omg is that CELLULITE ON her thighs?!" he's not looking for your wrinkles, your stretch marks, your lumps bumps nooks and crannies. he's looking to have a good time, and (if he's a good one) making sure you have a good time too :)

InsideMe
07-25-2011, 07:58 PM
OK I'm gonna give you some advice straight from the mouth of a lesbian...ME LOL

Like men I LOVE women, big small etc. It's the ENERGY they give off. There's so much to being sexy then what the media shows. He's into you cause he's attracted to your energy, it's that much sexier when you do take your clothes off. Women are just sexy as sexy as can be and men see that. He see's that in you. Would you really want a man who wanted you for your physical body and nothing more? How empty is that? You sound smart, level headed and sexy....sure you don't wanna switch teams ;) haha just kidding! So I'm telling you from a woman who LOVES women, and kinda see what men see, yeah there's so much a woman has, not just tits and ***, but the emotional state, the confidence, the sexiness, the style, the ability to multitask, the brains.....omg no wonder he's so into you! and no wonder I'm gay! LOL

linJber
07-25-2011, 09:38 PM
Paris, everyone else has stated the obvious so I don't have to. Did it ever occur to you that one of the things that attracted him to you is the fact that you are on a healthy track? If he's as smart as he sounds, he realizes that your desire to improve your health is just one more aspect of your great personality that he is attracted to. Just go with it and don't worry.

Lin

paris81
07-26-2011, 10:34 AM
Ha, you guys are awesome! I know you're right, I guess, it's just difficult! But it doesn't need to be, so I'll just get out of my head as best I can. Usually with a guy, when I'm with him, I'm just in it, so hopefully if the time comes, that will just take over. Ugh.

Insideme--you are hilarious!!! I love the "no wonder I'm gay!" And you're totally right about the not wanting someone who wants you just for your body stuff.

and linJber--I haven't mentioned weight loss to him--I haven't mentioned it to anyone other than my therapist and, well, of course, the entire internet...:) But I made a healthy dinner the other night, and we talked about eating fresh veggies and stuff, so I do think he appreciates that.

Thanks for the input, everyone, I feel better already! :)

InsideMe
07-26-2011, 11:27 AM
Hey at least you know he's with you before you hit goal, that way you know he likes you for more than the physical right? There's always going to be something we don't like about oursevles, even when we are fit and healthy (I had body issues at a size 5 a long long time ago) but you have to change the negative thoughts in your head and replace them with good ones, like your good enough for this, your worthy of such a hot man! Enjoy darlin!

paris81
07-27-2011, 11:00 AM
InsideMe--I have absolutely thought of that part of the whole thing, and been relieved about it. You're so right!

Sophronia
07-27-2011, 11:21 AM
I am loving this thread. As someone coming out of a long relationship (which I went into at a healthy weight), I have thought multiple times that getting the weight down would have to be a precursor to getting into a good, solid relationship. How wonderful to realize that men (and lesbians =) aren't just about body size. I am unquestionably not ready to date yet, but it's really helpful for me to start thinking about it in the ways so many people have described it. And, of course, to consider switching teams. =)

rakel
07-27-2011, 11:11 PM
I'll be honest, I struggle with this sometimes myself but it's not just about my weight. I'm a very insecure person in general, and I do think my weight has played into that some. I drive my husband bonkers sometimes trying to ask him why he loves me. :dizzy:

My husband is a pretty attractive guy, normal weight, and what can I say -- women like him. I on the other hand, am very overweight, and rarely get male attention. I do think that has something to do with confidence, not that I really want or am looking for male attention (although I must admit it would be a little ego boost!).

At the end of the day, my husband says this:

1) I am hot for you.
2) You have my favor.

I'll take it!

:carrot:

gypsybeggar
07-28-2011, 04:20 AM
Well I have been married to a "hot" guy for eight years now. I was VERY insecure about my weight in the beginning, and the whole omg what is he going to say when the clothes come off situation just about put me in the hospital lol. I thought in the beginning that he was using me for some sick game or something..the whole let's hurt the fat girls feelings thing. He pursued me very hard, and I just didn't trust it. It wasn't until I saw him turn a gorgeous skinny girl down flat that I thought well, maybe he does really want me. (He didn't know I was there) That was the day I thought screw it, I'm good enough and I know I'm pretty and smart, so what's not to love? And then when the clothes finally came off one night, he didn't seem to mind that I was literally twice his size. He was 145 pounds soaking wet, and I was pushing 300 pounds. I was terrified, thinking oh god turn off the light, but not him! After that, I didn't have anymore doubts about the relationship at all. And here we are all these years later.

I guess what I'm trying to say with that very longgg paragraph is this. Try to just enjoy it. You are worth it! :)

paris81
07-28-2011, 10:58 AM
I thought in the beginning that he was using me for some sick game or something..the whole let's hurt the fat girls feelings thing. He pursued me very hard, and I just didn't trust it.

This is a little of what I was feeling before--he's pretty intense, and sometimes it feels like he's trying to rush a sense of trust between us--which is a sign of a con artist. I was worried that he saw me as a weak target because of my weight (even though I am absolutely 100% not).

But now, I'm getting the sense that he's just an intense guy, and is maybe a not so great at holding his feelings in, maybe even a little immature in that respect (which isn't great, but is much better than being a con artist! I can live with a little immaturity!).

Mommy42Angels
07-28-2011, 11:37 AM
I would take it as a wonderful sign that you have met someone that can see the whole picture. Not someone who sees an overweight woman and runs the opposite direction. At some point maybe he can even help you reach your goals by being supportive of a healthy diet an exercise.
When I met my DH, I remember thinking about how incredibly muscular his body was and how he could get someone so much prettier than me. In the end he chose me for being me. I apparently had something to offer that no woman in his past had ever had. You never know! It did take me a long time to allow him to see me naked. When he did I was always super nervous. At this point I've realized that if he hasn't run away screaming at the sight of me yet he probably isn't going to. :lol:

NightwingFanGirl
07-28-2011, 06:53 PM
Have you talked to him about how he got into fitness/nutrition? To most people it isn't a natural thing; maybe he's got some experience going through the weight loss process, or at least the self-esteem and self bettering processes. I know my husband isn't super fit, but he's un-judging and fully supportive and owes a lot of that understanding from losing 80 lbs himself.

paris81
07-29-2011, 04:45 PM
Have you talked to him about how he got into fitness/nutrition? To most people it isn't a natural thing; maybe he's got some experience going through the weight loss process, or at least the self-esteem and self bettering processes. I know my husband isn't super fit, but he's un-judging and fully supportive and owes a lot of that understanding from losing 80 lbs himself.

Yeah, this is a really good point. I have talked a little about it with him, it seems that he's just athletic by nature--he enjoys it. With is amazing to me, because I don't enjoy it at all! He's been in sports since high school, so I don't think he was ever overweight. Just enjoys going to the gym and playing sports.

He doesn't seem to do it for the body it gets him, as far as I can tell. I mean, the superficial aspects of the body it gets him. In fact, he told me he was self-conscious about his arms being too big--which is a great lesson for me, because I noticed his arms right away as incredibly muscular and sexy, which is how the subject came up in the first place!

bellastarr
07-29-2011, 09:10 PM
When the time comes, he'll be thinking:

1)OMG i'm going to get some
2) BOOBS
3) OMG i'm going to get some

hahaha i love this and am going to try to remember this!!!

PaulaM
08-01-2011, 06:00 PM
Trust your instincts and you should be just fine.

reallytrying
08-01-2011, 07:51 PM
This is EXACTLY what I am going through now. I started to create a thread like this. This gorgeous guy wants to meet me. He is intelligent, witty, ambitious, fun, romantic, ripped, 6'2 and just smoking hot. Not to mention but he has the the hottest Scottish accent. Annnnnyway, I met him online. I don't have much experience in this realm (maybe 3 dates prior with different dudes from online) and I have been postponing him a bit because I am so nervous about this VERY thing (him being ripped, me not being so ripped) that it makes me sick. On my profile I put that I was a few extra pounds (obviously), and he did have a choice to skip me based on this but he found me attractive, different, and interesting. He says I'm beautiful (as we have chatted for two months now on the phone, texts and Skype) and that he thinks I'm very intelligent and funny. Anyway, I might meet him this week and it makes me sooooo scared as I feel if I can't love my body, how can anyone else? It really is petrifying.When I asked him what he looked for in a girl, mainly it was of the personality persuasion. I asked him what TYPE of girl was his type and he said 'Dark hair, light eyes, tallish...' I asked is that it? And he said, 'Yes.' No mention of having to be a size 0. I asked him why he didn't have a girlfriend (seeing as he seemingly has everything going for him) and he said, 'Not many people have a lot going on under the surface and no real connection.' Nothing about being too picky or anything physical. He's never made an issue and I do not want to, either. Still yet, I am terrified. I don't enjoy first dates anyway. It's sad to think but if I were 150lbs, I would be so purely excited to meet this guy. Instead, I am terrified THEN excited. I do have a lot going for me. I am very confident in most things, I will have my Master's soon, I am travelled, cultured, speak five languages, and I try to be a nice person and live my life with integrity. It's just in my love life I have zip zero esteem. C'est la vie. He does know that I am going to the gym four times a week and dieting.

I have had gorgeous guys (one even more gorgeous than this one, an ex-model) like me before but that was from real life and never online, so perhaps that is why I am nervous? Anyway, I know I have a lot going on for me too and am working at my health but yet, I still cannot get over the 'He's ripped and I am a fat girl' complex. Ugh, no wonder I am single. :(

Ksquared
08-01-2011, 08:15 PM
I have a friend who is completely in love with me. (We have since sorted that out and moved on) He once described me as "A women of the most beautiful Greek paintings" So even though I am still overweight, I like to think of myself as a "Greek Goddess" Google some greek paintings and see what I mean. In Greek history a robust woman was the most desirable of all women. So jsut think of yourself as a beautiful woman of greek paintings and live it up baby.

sontaikle
08-02-2011, 05:02 PM
I always felt a little self conscious when I first started going out with my fiancée :dizzy: He is exactly a foot taller than me and was a complete stick when we met (and completely and utterly hot—still is!). I weighed more than him but we seemed to work and he couldn't keep his hands off me!

He still can't keep his hands off me and still finds me attractive. He's gained weight (muscle weight though, so he looks even better, haha!) and I've lost so I weigh less than him now, although he's technically in the "normal" weight range and I'm just out of the "overweight" range.

I'm thrilled I weigh less than him now, but I don't think it really matters. We're both crazy about each other and I don't think it really matters what the other one weighs. Our personalities mesh together wonderfully and I think that will prevail over any weight gain/loss we might face.

When the time comes, he'll be thinking:

1)OMG i'm going to get some
2) BOOBS
3) OMG i'm going to get some

Haha THIS to the extreme! Guys won't obsess over every lump when they're about to get some ;)

TXMary2
08-03-2011, 12:40 AM
I was "hot" but not "skinny" when my husband and I met. I am still 70 pounds heavier than when we started dating. He calls me his "hot, sexy wife" all the time. One time I just straight out asked him why he said that when I obviously wasn't hot and sexy and he truly was offended! He says I am his and that he likes what he has and that I am beautiful. Just trust that this man wouldn't be giving you the time of day if he wasn't attracted to your total package. Go with it and have fun!

paris81
08-03-2011, 09:01 AM
You guys are just all so right. It's such a weird mental block. But I'm starting to think that not all of it is linked to weight, and here's why:

Last night, I saw an old episode of 30 Rock, where Tina Fey's character gets asked out by a totally hot hot hot man (The episode with the Head and the Hair, for those of you familiar with the show). She's totally baffled by it, because she doesn't see herself as someone who can attract such a hottie--and her character is weird and quirky and all, but not even close to overweight. She's baffled by it just because it's rare to have a gorgeous man pay attention to her. For me, this is all compounded by my weight, but maybe the weight isn't the only cause of it.

He was here on Sunday, and I felt like I was hovering above us on the couch looking down, wondering how this fictional romance novel character got into my apartment! But I'm enjoying it! But it's just so weird, he doesn't seem real! Ah! I kinda want to show him the 30 Rock episode, because it hit home so well, without bringing up sticky weight issues that I don't want to discuss with him at this point! He doesn't know I feel this way, and I'm not sure I want to tell him!