100 lb. Club - When People Assume.....




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Curvaliscious
07-24-2011, 12:25 AM
Do you ever have people assume things about you because of your size or because they know you've changed the way you eat?

I used to have a boss who would treat me like I'm fat. Which I am, but am fully capable of doing most anything. She would jump up and offer to carry this or that like I would fall over dead if I did it myself.

I also had a friend who assumed I wouldn't go into the pool with my kids. I'm guessing because she didn't think I would wear a suit.

I then had a friend who knows I'm counting calories. Our families went out to BJs Pizza and she texted me and said they have small/lite portions available. I wrote back and said I was planning on eating pizza, just less of it. Then came dessert.Our kids had it and so did our husbands. I don't care for the dessert there, but planned on getting something somewhere else (250 cal. or so). Well she had a few bites of her husband's dessert. I didn't bother me, for my plan was not to deprive myself. Late that evening she emails me apologizing for eating a dessert in front of me. She didn't want to tempt me. Very nice, but then I felt silly.

I don't want to talk to be treated differently because of my weight. Now my friend was trying to be nice and encourage me and I know after you read my other post you'll think there is no pleasing me. : ) I really just want to be supported. I dont' want anything pointed out.

OK, venting over. Tomorrow will be a great day! Not sure how, but it will!


rakel
07-24-2011, 01:28 AM
I hesitate to tell anyone that I'm trying to lose weight or whatever because I find that people tend to behave very strangely. It's like they are not sure what to say or do because they don't want to offend me. Here's the deal, I know I'm fat, I'm trying to do something about it, I don't need to be coddled. You shouldn't be rude but it doesn't require tiptoeing. I am not made of glass.

And yes, I can do *most* things everyone else can. I can't ride on a rollercoaster, but I can do any light to moderate physical activity and keep up with everyone else for the most part.

Another reason why I don't like to tell people I am losing weight is that I feel more self-concious around them. I know they are watching me closer than they may have otherwise and while that might be good motivation to stay on plan, it's also just frustrating if you are off plan and people are coming up and asking how it's going, ask if I've lost weight, etc, and I just say... well, no...

astrophe
07-24-2011, 04:33 AM
People are weird.

I'm like Rakel. Nobody IRL other than my DH knows I'm trying to do something about my weight.

Not because I'm ashamed or anything -- just because I don't need people bugging me about what to do/not do.

Hope you feel better for the vent though! :hug:

A.


linJber
07-24-2011, 10:08 AM
No one treated me differently before - I think because my top weight of about 250 didn't really limit what I could do. I went to amusement parks and rode everything. I chaperoned all my DD's school trips (22 hours each way to Disney with 3 bus loads of band members and their families is NOT for sissies!) I have a kayak that I load onto the roof of my car and put in and out of the water by myself. It's NOW that sometimes makes me crazy.

"Oh, sorry about this cake. Will you ever be able to eat some again?"
Answer: "I could eat some right now if I WANTED to."

"I made lasagna - you can eat this, right?"
Answer: "I eat anything I want - I just want smaller portions now."

"Aren't you afraid of all the calories in regular salad dressing?"
Answer: "Does it look like using regular dressing has hurt my progress?"

"Boy, it must be rough depriving yourself all the time."
Answer: "Who said anything about feeling deprived? I'd feel really lousy if I keep killing myself with my fork, one bite at a time."

I think it's like when you tell people you have a problem they never faced. Sick parent, loss of a job, leaky basement. Whatever. They have a hard time relating and don't know what the proper reaction might be. I just try to cut them some slack. Except in the case of the salad dressing comment - it came from someone who was still the size I used to be who is always going to "go on a diet soon." I just said, "If fat free salad dressing is your diet strategy, you probably need to re-think it. Only one of us has lost any weight since Christmas." Mean? Maybe, but it was deserved. Just hang in there. They don't know what they're saying.

Lin

Curvaliscious
07-24-2011, 01:54 PM
Thanks everyone! After looking at my posts I can tell I was writing frantically. :) Feeling less cranky today and DH is keeping his distance.

Lori Bell
07-24-2011, 03:20 PM
I personally think what your friend did, (checked in advance for a diet friendly menu and apologize for eating dessert in front of you) IS being supportive. I really don't see anything unsupportive about it...I wish I had a friend like that. Many of my "old friends" hated when I lost weight and said and did everything they could to make me feel guilty about it. (These friends have now totally abandoned me....thankfully.)

I just have to ask this... I see you have lost 26 pounds now. Has anyone noticed? If so, have they said things like, you look nice, or you're doing a good job? Does that make you mad too or do you like to hear it? Sometimes people just don't know what the right thing to say or do is. It's hard being around people who carry their emotions on their sleeve.

freefall
07-24-2011, 06:56 PM
Your post struck a nerve with me - I get so annoyed when people try to be "helpful" - I feel like they are imposing their views of what I should be doing on me, and pointing out my fatness to me when it's something I'm already aware of. My weight loss is because of specific changes that I've made based on what works for me, a lot of which involves NOT feeling deprivation. For me, what works is having a bite or two of dessert sometimes if it keeps me from feeling deprived and wanting something else later as a result of that deprivation. And I don't want to be judged for that. What works for me is having the cheese and toppings off pizza from a regular menu, not ordering things off the "lite" menu (which can be higher carb etc.)
While a friend's intent may be to be helpful, I often find it kind of smug and self-righteous, if I'm going to be honest, and sometimes it feels passive aggressive to me instead of supportive. In any case, I find it presumptuous - somebody assuming that what works for them re: weight loss is what works for me.
Just my 2 cents...

Curvaliscious
07-24-2011, 10:11 PM
My friend was being VERY supportive! She is wanting to do anything to help me. She is a sweetheart. However, it can be too much as well. I just want to be treated like anyone who is at a healthy weight. Let me do my thing. I wouldn't mind talking about it if she were chunky too, but she's not and never has been. Just be there (if that makes sense).

If I carried my emotions on my sleeves everyone would know what I think and feel all the time. I just save it for this forum instead. :)

Curvaliscious
07-24-2011, 10:12 PM
Yes, people have noticed that I've lost weight and of course it doesn't make me mad. I guess my post wasn't very clear.

enchantedonyx
07-25-2011, 04:31 AM
Oh, I've been away for LOOOOONG TIME! But this thread is the perfect one to return with.

I was diagnosed with type 2 Diabetes in April. I've lost 20lbs since diagnosis and am wearing a size 14 for the first time since high school. Talk about people wanting to "help". When most people have NO idea what I can/can't eat. Coworkers also apologize to me, just because I have it. My staff is sweet and means well but they don't get it.

But what struck me about this post was the idea that us big girls can't "do" the things thin people do. And my favorite thing to do when people treat me differently because of my disease (which I'm very open about) or weight loss or being overweight, is to talk about last night's bike ride or walk. BF are training for 5k walks in September and November, as well as a metric century (62 miles) bicycle ride next summer (2012). All are charity events and we are very excited about doing them. So a conversation might be:

Me: So, did you have a nice evening last night?
Coworker: Yeah, had dinner and dessert out. Then watched ****** on tv.
Me: Oh, nice.
Coworker: So, what did you do last night?
Me: Uh, made dinner (list the amazing low-carb meal I had) and then a bike ride.
Coworker: Oh, that's nice. Do you just ride around town?
Me: No, last night was an endurance training ride. 24 (or 26 or 30) miles this time. (Alternative might be "We walked 4 miles, with extra hills)
Coworker: Oh my...seriously? You ride your bike 24 miles?
Me: Yup. Felt great. Butt's a little sore today.
Coworker: I think I'd die if I rode more than 2 miles. Um...well, uh...good for you!

The looks on people's faces when they find out that this big girl could kick most of their butts walking or cycling is just priceless.

Keep it up, ladies. Let's show these doubters what we're made of!

snorkelmom
07-25-2011, 04:53 AM
I get irritated when I share my weight loss with one of the few people who know that I'm losing weight, and instead of congratulating me, they start moaning about how they need to lose weight. Almost like I'm trying to make THEM feel bad. Not so!

goodforme
07-25-2011, 10:21 AM
I try to give people the benefit of the doubt, sometimes people want to support you but don't know how. Sometimes even *I* don't know how I want to be spoken to.

I want my fat to be a non-issue. Not how large I used to be, how much smaller I am now, how much smaller I'm going to get in the future, on and on ad infitum.

I want people to notice I'm down nearly 50 freaking pounds, but, on the other hand I don't. I don't want a big deal made out of it, I don't want attention drawn to it, and I don't want to talk about it.

I don't want people to food-police me, but on the other hand, it would be nice if those around me would refrain from eating/offering things that tempt me.

You see what I mean? When I'm this conflicted, how can someone else know how to talk to me?

Hugs to you!:hug: Hope today's a better day for you.

Lori Bell
07-25-2011, 10:58 AM
Goodforme...Yes, that is what I was trying to say to Curve. We can't have it all ways. We can't expect people to totally butt out of our "diet", and still compliment us on our successes.

I've heard it all since I have been a member here at 3FC. People don't want anyone to mention their "diet" but then get upset when no one mentioned their weight loss. Or they get mad if people compliment them, or don't like the way people compliment them... I mean, every single person is different and we all like different things. It is just so incredibley hard to know what to say or do, and I'm a fat chick!.

Since being a member here I have had a few friends lose some weight. After reading how people here react to comments or compliments, I have walked on pins and needles around them. Do I compliment them and risk them getting mad? (you know, because if I tell them they look good it MUST mean I'm insinuating they looked like crap before.) Do I have a dinner party and not ask them to come because I might not be able to read their minds and know what types of sood they can eat? What if they are low carbing...or low fating...WW...calorie counting. I can't guess and I'm not going to make 20 different items that no one will eat, but if I ask it might offend them... Why does this have to be so hard.

I'm a fat chick at heart and I'm scared to death to offer support to most people because no matter what a person says or does, it's never right.

sept15lija
07-25-2011, 11:05 AM
I agree that although your friend was trying to be supportive, it's kind of a silly way to do it. I mean does she think you're really not capable of figuring out what to eat on the menu? Or that no one is ever going to eat dessert in front of you again? Like others this is why I never shared I was losing weight....I don't want to be treated differently. When people started to notice I got TONS of attention, which was nice but even that was a bit much! Unless your friend is also trying to lose weight, it's just kinda weird to me that she was that focussed on what you were eating.

sept15lija
07-25-2011, 11:07 AM
Sorry just read a little more, I don't know...I just don't think it's that hard to be supportive, people make their own decisions about what to eat (which none of us should make comments on unless we're asked for input) but we're always free to tell someone else how wonderful they look, y'know? I guess they could think you are saying they looked terrible before...I suppose it's complicated but I just think personal decisions about what we are eating shouldn't be up for conversation I guess. I assume people are intelligent enough to make their own decisions.

Bellamack
07-25-2011, 11:22 AM
Goodforme...Yes, that is what I was trying to say to Curve. We can't have it all ways. We can't expect people to totally butt out of our "diet", and still compliment us on our successes.

I've heard it all since I have been a member here at 3FC. People don't want anyone to mention their "diet" but then get upset when no one mentioned their weight loss. Or they get mad if people compliment them, or don't like the way people compliment them... I mean, every single person is different and we all like different things. It is just so incredibley hard to know what to say or do, and I'm a fat chick!.

Since being a member here I have had a few friends lose some weight. After reading how people here react to comments or compliments, I have walked on pins and needles around them. Do I compliment them and risk them getting mad? (you know, because if I tell them they look good it MUST mean I'm insinuating they looked like crap before.) Do I have a dinner party and not ask them to come because I might not be able to read their minds and know what types of sood they can eat? What if they are low carbing...or low fating...WW...calorie counting. I can't guess and I'm not going to make 20 different items that no one will eat, but if I ask it might offend them... Why does this have to be so hard.

I'm a fat chick at heart and I'm scared to death to offer support to most people because no matter what a person says or does, it's never right.

I agree with you 100% and I always ask about diet restrictions, because many many years ago my husband invited some co workers over for dinner and I made lasagna with meat and come to find out they were vegetarians. We also have diabetics and gluten-free friends, I don't give a rats a** if you are fat, skinny, black, white, purple, etc. I just want to serve you a wonderful dinner when invited to my house. I think some people have a "fat" complex and I know some (men) that have a "short" complex. So, I am just saying, these people truly are your friends for asking, the ones who try to shove crap you don't want down your throat are not being supportive friends.

freefall
07-25-2011, 06:07 PM
I'm sure your friend is very supportive, and that it's very difficult to know exactly what to say or do in any given situation when reacting to someone's weight loss or inviting them to join you for dinner, whether in your home or meeting for a meal. That said, I find it uncomfortable to have people make assumptions about me, my diet, etc. I think it's relatively easy for people to play things safe, though. Has anybody ever been offended by someone simply saying "You look wonderful" without specifying that it's weight related? Or by asking "Does that restaurant sound good to you?" when meeting? Or "Do you have any dietary restrictions?" when inviting someone to dinner?

swtbttrfly23
07-25-2011, 07:47 PM
I think she was ultimately being supportive, and honestly, I would rather have a friend like that who wants to **** instead of hinder. Yes, maybe it was a bit condescending (or just came off that way) to keep bringing things up that way, but ultimately, it seems to me that she is afraid of being one of those people that hinder so she overcompensates the opposite way. I wouldn't worry about it, maybe just develop a statement that helps you gloss over it all so she won't bother. Maybe a :"Yeah, I've got it all worked out, so no worries" or a "It's cool, I've got a plan" will go a long way with her. I think she wants you to be successful, and it seems to me that she wants to really support you but not at the expense of the friendship, so she's going out of her way to make sure you realize she's not trying to derail you (cause how many of us have/had friends like that?? And that's worse, IMO)

EDIT: not sure why I got that word starred out, I wasn't swearing! I meant to type 'help' but maybe I pressed the L twice :)

Curvaliscious
07-25-2011, 08:05 PM
I love getting compliments! It really encourages me! My struggle with my weight and how I'm getting healthy is a very deep thing and sometimes rather personal...because I'm not perfect and I fail and I do what I need to (yes, even if that means not depriving myself) to lose the weight. So, I don't want to discuss it beyond 'yes, thank! I'm counting calories'....especially with someone who doesn't understand how deep, how painful this has been.

MrsTee
07-25-2011, 11:20 PM
I don't tell anyone. I don't want or need their attempts to be suportive.

I would HATE to have someone apologise for eating a dessert in front of me - I make the choice, I am absolsutely capable of turning down a dessert, or having just a bit! I don't want or need the world to stop eating desserts!!!!

Doesn't that sound awful!!!! .
Too many years dieting, and regaining has made me very insular about talking to people about dieting, my mum and my daughter are the only ones I talk to. I just modify my eating with no great fan fare and get on with it.
I would hate to eat a chocolate bar and have 6 people say should you eat that ? HATE IT!!!!!!

That would lead me to eat 54 of them!!!

I sound very bitter and twisted!!!!!!!!!! But I am happiest keeping my weight loss efforts to myself...

sheramama
07-25-2011, 11:40 PM
At first, I didn't tell anyone. I just said I was eating healthier. Then, it was easier to say I was dieting when food is getting pushed on you. Most of them are more understanding. Then again, there are others who sabotage, both purposeful and non. Those I have more of a problem with. So, I guess I am the opposite.

PenChick
07-26-2011, 12:32 AM
I don't telling anyone that I am losing weight. I have someone who competes with me about everything. It drives me nuts!!! This woman is trying to lose weight too and I am happy for her, but she gives me the dirtiest looks when she hears someone give me a compliment about losing weight. I hate it! And I feel as if I need to be extra nice to her because her weight isn't coming off like she wants it to. But mind you I am in my early 30s and she is in her late 40s. Weight just comes off different right? (No offense to my older wonderful ladies around here.)

authentic
07-26-2011, 10:07 AM
I don't telling anyone that I am losing weight. I have someone who competes with me about everything. It drives me nuts!!! This woman is trying to lose weight too and I am happy for her, but she gives me the dirtiest looks when she hears someone give me a compliment about losing weight. I hate it! And I feel as if I need to be extra nice to her because her weight isn't coming off like she wants it to. But mind you I am in my early 30s and she is in her late 40s. Weight just comes off different right? (No offense to my older wonderful ladies around here.)

I really related to this post. :) Now that I am in my forties I am losing much slower than I did in my thirties and have to work much harder to take off the weight.

I have some friends/family who are being supportive (like the OP's friend), and some who are competitive with me. I think that most people don't know how to react when a morbidly obese person begins to lose weight. It's one thing to lose 20 lbs and put it back on and lose it etc, but for those of us that have over 100 lbs to lose, people don't feel comfortable commenting, they are afraid they might offend us, etc....

Everyone in life makes assumptions. That is just human nature. My supportive friends always use to make assumptions even when I was not trying to lose weight. They would assume I needed to park close to the restaurant/store, assume I wanted dessert, assume I wanted to try their meal when we were eating out, etc... All of these assumptions were wrong of course. :D

Now that I have lost 70 lbs, my supportive friends are trying to be supportive, but they are clueless. I don't get frustrated with them for this because they are well meaning. One friend asked the waiter not to bring bread to the table because she was afraid it might "tempt" me. I just smiled and thanked her. (I have not eaten bread at a restaurant since December and do not miss it....)

My competitive "friends" I find are always trying to tempt me to go off my diet. I have dealt with this by not going out with them anymore.

I don't talk about being on a diet with anyone really. I don't want that to be the focal point of everyone's energy. People find out when I ask the waitperson to put the dressing on the side, or I ask how many ounces of fish are in the meal, or I substitute veggies for rice, etc, but I am not talking about it really with anyone.