General chatter - How to get through a break up and mean what you are saying!
07-21-2011, 04:27 AM
So last night was the last straw for my 3 year relationship, he constantly lies about really petty little things and it hurts me every time that he can be so deceitful and I always give it the empty threat of 'OK but next time will be your last', and last night I think it actually was.
I am completley heartbroken and can't think of anything right now that will make me happy again, we have so many plans and I thought we had a future together, he was my best friend.
I wonder if any of you can give me advice on how to get through this and actually move on from him instead of realising after a few days it's too painful and go running back in his arms. He has lost me over the sake of lieing about something really petty but I need to stop making excuses for him! :(
07-21-2011, 05:08 AM
You have stated that he's a lying liar who lies. And when your head clears from the initial painful period you will realize that you deserve better than what he is willing to give you. Life is way too short to go have unnecessary BS in it and you've already given him 3 years of your time.
07-21-2011, 05:49 AM
A lot of people say "the heart wants what the heart wants" to justify loving or staying with the wrong person, but I say,
"The heart wants what the heart wants, but the brain doesn't have to let the heart get everything it wants."
Your brain is your Mother/Teacher self. You have to remind your heart Child/Student self that as bad as being without Him feels, staying with him will eventually feel far worse - because years of disrespect will erode your self-respect. You'll start believing you don't deserve better, or that you won't be able to find better.
Child/Student is going to be stubborn, so Mother/Teacher has to be equally stubborn. When you feel that there's nothing worse than being alone, remind yourself of how excrutiating each betrayal felt and how each new betrayal felt even worse because it was piled on top of an existing pile of pain. That pain is going to get worse and worse if you stay with him, but if you leave him, you will get stronger every day and the pain will get better and better over time.
So which kind of pain do you want, the kind that will decrease over time, or the kind that will increase over time?
07-21-2011, 06:56 AM
Thank you both for your wise words! I really need to focus on what you are both saying and get through this!
07-21-2011, 07:16 AM
Write down all the things he does that are bad for your relationship, and reread it whenever you feel tempted to go back to him. Keep yourself busy, take up a new hobby or something. See your friends, though don't use them as counsellors to the point that you drive them away, there's a happy medium between appropriate support and wrecking a friendship. I recently broke off a bad (though non-romantic) relationship and found it helped that as I felt really guilty about it, I'd end up justifying myself when talking to other people, and the list of things the other person had done wrong reminded me of exactly why I'd taken this step.
In case you're tempted to, resist the urge to sleep with him again or go on dates or what have you, and try to stay out of the biscuit tin!
07-21-2011, 09:33 AM
Maybe he is a compulsive liar. I would not want to deal with this problem:
You know what to do. You need to dump him once and for all. You can't live your life on an emotional roller coaster.
Concentrate on your diet and going places to meet your new love. He is out there somewhere looking for a good gal like you. And he is stable.
You won't find him sitting at home.
Get really thin and buy some new makeup and great clothes.
You need to completely cut off contact with him (not to punish him but to help you get over him). Remove his number from your phone, unfriend him on FB, delete his email from your contacts, everything. Do not speak to him at all after you have sorted out the logistics of your breakup like getting your stuff back (and get that done ASAP). It sounds harsh but it's very effective. A long-term boyfriend and I did this when we broke up and I got over him fairly quickly. We were even able to become friends again because it was such a clean break - however, I don't recommend you keep this guy as a friend because of the lying.
07-21-2011, 11:05 AM
So.... did you break up for real already? Or are planning to? You don't sound sure. GET sure.
If you already broke up, be broken up! Cut off all contact. No phone, not email, etc. Occupy your free time with your other friends, other interests, get involved in the community, etc.
If you have not broken up yet and plan to and are worried how to do it without getting sucked back in by the lies... nobody said you have to break up in person. Write the formal "I am breaking up with you" note or email. Maybe that helps make it real to YOU. Maybe you need to use the actual words instead of "OK but next time will be your last" vagueness. Because if you took him back in the past, he's not believing you.
Or just decide it is over, cut off all contact, and let him come to the conclusion for himself!
Or if he's into the emotional abuse trip, and you feel weak and hurt right now... know he's gonna try to sweet talk you back. Learn the cycle, and don't get sucked back in.
Or if he's some kind of emotional vampire draining you... learn to combat it.
If you see his email -- delete without even opening. Get caller ID, change your phone -- whatever so you don't have to pick up and it is him. Do not facebook or any of that.
Life isn't all about win or lose type choices. Sometimes it it this choice stinks (breaking up) and this choice stinks too (not breaking up and endless drama). Then you pick the least stinky of the two, and it sounds like you pick breaking up.
Do it fast like ripping off a bandaid. It will hurt at first but get it over. Then the stink (him and his lies) can go away faster and you can feel better.
You will go through the stages of grief for the loss of the relationship, even if it was good that you broke up with him. Allow yourself to feel what you feel, but don't be afraid to feel it. It's part of the clearing the air. And when you can see clearer and breathe better you will realize -- Hey! This is not so bad! I'm liking it!
Hang in there. :hug:
07-21-2011, 11:18 AM
I wonder if any of you can give me advice on how to get through this and actually move on from him instead of realising after a few days it's too painful and go running back in his arms. :(
Yeah it will hurt like heck to leave this guy. Breaking up with someone can kind of be a lot like losing someone in death...You deal with
1.Denial (I can't beleive he/she/I did this!)
2.Anger (How could he lie? He knew I would leave, did he want me to leave?)
3.Bargaining. This one is usualy what gets us in trouble... Thinking the person has changed, that the situation wasn't as bad as we thought before, that being alone for a bit is way worse than lying.
4. Depression. This one is bad too since you might doubt your own worthiness and value, and focus on all the good bits of your old relationship and want it back so you can feel safe again.
5. Acceptance. This can either take a while to get to, or for some people they get here fast.
I think you just have to deal with the emotions as they hit you, but do NOT let those negative feelings drive you back to his arms. He already knows he can lie to you since you stayed with him each time he lied in the past. If you go back, he will keep on lying to you. Each person has a breaking point, and this was yours so stay strong cause you deserve better. :hug: